Skip to playerSkip to main content
Reality Insight Hub
QI Season 23 Episode 4

#QI
#RealityInsightHub

🎞 Please subscribe to our official channel to watch the full movie for free, as soon as possible. ❤️Reality Insight Hub❤️
👉 Official Channel: https://www.dailymotion.com/TrailerBolt
👉 THANK YOU ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Thank you very much.
00:30Good evening, and welcome to QI, where tonight we'll be struck by wave after wave of, well, waves.
00:39Making waves, it's Phil Wang.
00:44Surfing the waves, it's Sarah Pascoe.
00:50Mewling the waves, it's Tom Allen.
00:54And already waving a white flag, it's Allen Davis.
01:00Let's wave hello to our guests.
01:06Phil goes.
01:10Ooh, Sarah goes.
01:15Tom goes.
01:16And Allen goes.
01:22Bye, bye, baby, baby, goodbye.
01:26Bye, baby, baby, bye, bye.
01:29Right, let's dive right in with question one.
01:32What is 4.8 inches long, begins with W, and is guaranteed to invigorate a frigid hamster?
01:40Phil Wang.
01:43Phil Wang.
01:52We're off and running.
01:54The experiments have proved very successful.
01:56Yeah.
01:57What were you going to say, Phil?
01:58A warm hamster, perhaps?
01:59Oh.
02:00A heated up one.
02:01Yeah, mine just gently microwaved.
02:03Can I just say that out of nowhere, that is exactly the right answer.
02:07Oh!
02:08I thought we were all going to rip in to you because 4.8 inches is too big for a hamster.
02:24It's a monster hamster.
02:25OK, so I didn't necessarily say that the hamster was 4.8 inches, did I?
02:30I said, what is 4.8 inches long, begins with a W, and is guaranteed to invigorate a frigid hamster.
02:36Wheel.
02:37No, the Mr. Microwave.
02:38You got the right answer, and now I'm having to tell you what it was.
02:43The microwave doesn't start with W.
02:45Well, it is the waves that start with W.
02:48Oh.
02:49It's going to be a long night, isn't it?
02:52It's like steam, it's waves.
02:54The very first domestic-sized microwave oven was invented to bring half-dead hamsters back to life.
03:01Oh!
03:02I know.
03:03So, quick primer on how microwaves work.
03:05Anybody know how they work?
03:06Do they heat things up from the inside out?
03:08So, they have electromagnetic waves, and by definition, the wavelength can be anywhere from a millimetre to a metre,
03:15but they fire a wavelength of 4.8 inches, which is the thing that I asked about.
03:21And that is just the right size for the energy to be absorbed by the food, or in this case, by the hamster.
03:27So, the energy in them is transferred to the food and it heats it up.
03:30Don't try this at home.
03:31Yeah, I was about to say.
03:32Yeah.
03:33No, no, it's a very bad idea.
03:34Because that wouldn't work.
03:35It'd hurt them.
03:36Yeah.
03:37They'd be dead.
03:38Yeah.
03:39Is it the frequency of microwaves that make the water molecules shake and that's what heat is?
03:42Yes, you're absolutely right, darling.
03:44It was really in-depth there, Phil.
03:45Yeah.
03:46I thought I was just coming here to mess around.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Yeah.
03:50But you knew about the frequency of water molecules.
03:52I can't believe you've advised for the test.
03:56So, 1950s, there was a British scientist called James Lovelock and he was working on a project to freeze and then reanimate cell tissue, OK?
04:06Now, you can see that that could serve all sorts of useful medical purposes.
04:10So, preserved tissues for transplant would be a good example.
04:13So, I don't think you'd be allowed to do this now.
04:16He gave hamsters an hour-long ice bath of minus five degrees Celsius.
04:22Yeah, it was not good.
04:23The heart stopped beating.
04:24They stopped breathing.
04:25And what you said, a lot of the water in their body froze to ice.
04:29So, they've got these frozen hamsters and I like this.
04:32They experimented with various ways of reviving them.
04:35They tried thawing them out with intense beams of light.
04:37And this is all I've got on this.
04:39Hot spatulas.
04:41I think it explains itself, really.
04:45Really?
04:46Yeah, weirdly, it didn't work.
04:47And some of them...
04:48Hot spatulas sounds like a seedy late-night show, doesn't it?
04:50Yeah.
04:51Yeah.
04:52Like, cooking-based.
04:53Yeah.
04:54Welcome to Hot Spatulas!
04:57Anyway, it won't surprise you to learn that some of these poor hamsters then got severe burns.
05:02Then Lovelock decided that he would try firing microwaves at them.
05:06I mean, what on earth is going through his mind at that point?
05:09Yeah, I don't know.
05:10I don't know.
05:11He's frozen them.
05:12He's tried to heat them up with hot spatulas.
05:14Yeah.
05:15And now he's going, do you know what, let's just ding them in the microwave.
05:18It does mean that he had only stuff from the kitchen.
05:21So, he was like, freezer, cutlery drawer, hot spatulas.
05:26Microwave.
05:27Oh, thank goodness he didn't have an air fryer.
05:29That was next.
05:33You have to understand there were no domestic microwaves at this time.
05:36The only microwaves were owned by the government who'd used them for various purposes like radar and stuff.
05:41Anyway, he fired microwaves at the hamster, which was frozen, and after a few seconds, it got up and started wandering around.
05:50Anyway, he never used it for cooking, Lovelock.
05:52He just stuck to the hamster thing.
05:54You'd think he'd be quite, he'd be exhausted at the end of the day.
05:56It would have been really handy for him to have a microwave meal.
06:00The person who thought of actually building a similar thing specifically to cook food was an American physicist called Percy Spencer during World War II.
06:09But the one he made weighed over 340 kilograms and was six foot tall.
06:13So, possibly not the one for your kitchen, I would say.
06:17Also, it was designed so, like, organ transplants and things could be...
06:21Imagine waiting there on the trolley, about to have it done.
06:24Yeah.
06:25And then you hear, ping!
06:28It's ready!
06:30What would be worse is if they said, do you mind if we try some hot spatulas first?
06:35We're convinced these hot spatulas must be good for something.
06:38It must be.
06:39It must be a few people who've had heart transplants and it's still a little bit cold in the middle.
06:45Take it out and stir it halfway.
06:49Now, on to crime waves.
06:51Imagine you are a full-time wig thief.
06:55What would be your technique?
06:57Oh, I've failed so many times.
07:02It's harder than it looks.
07:03What worries me about this question is the full-time aspect of it.
07:06Yes.
07:07So, you'd have to make a lot of money.
07:09What's a time in history when you might have made a lot of money from...
07:12Georgian times?
07:13Yes.
07:14So, where are we? We're in the...
07:15In your face, Phil.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:19Why am I the enemy?
07:20Because we're doing history now and we're all playing for ourselves.
07:24It's humanities.
07:25No.
07:26Oh, no, the...
07:27Bring it back to maths.
07:28Bring it back to maths.
07:30So, 18th century, there's a wave of wig thefts.
07:34Right?
07:35Because they're worth stealing, right?
07:36Every day, powdered wigs.
07:38Nothing special.
07:39Cost the equivalent of 100 quid today.
07:41But there were some that were so elaborate that they would be 5,000 pounds in today's money.
07:45And that's where we get the expression big wig from. He's a bit of a big wig.
07:48So, what would your technique be, do you think?
07:51First, I would get a monkey for some reason.
07:55Yes, that is one way of doing it.
07:57They often train small children and animals to steal them.
08:00So, you might get, for example, a child in a basket carried on somebody's shoulder,
08:06be just the right height to whip the wig off,
08:08and then the wig-snatching team would run in opposite directions.
08:11Wig-snatching team.
08:12I know.
08:13I would be more subtle.
08:14So, first thing, I might not want the person whose wig I'm stealing to know,
08:17so I'd want to swap it for something of the same weight really, really quickly.
08:21Like Indiana Jones, just the...
08:23Yeah.
08:24Yeah.
08:25Or I would pretend I was a wig inspector and say,
08:28you've contravened some rules for wigs.
08:32Yeah, wig rules.
08:33Or say, I've got...
08:34I think you've got fleas.
08:35Can I get rid of them for you?
08:37And then I've got it, haven't I?
08:39Or what about if you put Velcro on the inside of a tunnel or a bridge and...
08:46As people walked through, they'd be like,
08:48lovely, going through here, going through here.
08:50Suddenly, in the light, it's gone.
08:52Where is it?
08:53It's stuck in the tunnel, but by that point it's too...
08:55Yeah, you've closed the tunnel.
08:56You've closed the tunnel.
08:57Yeah.
08:58You've only got to wait 200 years for somebody to invent Velcro in your office.
09:02I like the people who go through the tunnel, going through here, going through here.
09:05Yes, that's what I do in tunnels.
09:07I would run up and say, your wig's on fire, it's on fire, it's on fire!
09:10Give it!
09:11And then I'd grab it.
09:12Yeah.
09:14Imagine being...
09:15I like that.
09:16Imagine how undignified it would be like, don't you dare...
09:17You give me my wig back, I know what you're doing.
09:19You're trying to steal my wig.
09:22Go through here, go through here.
09:24Stop that man, he's got my wig.
09:26So jostling somebody was one way of doing it.
09:28You get two boys and a dog, for example, one boy jostles a bewigged man,
09:31the other grabs the hairpiece, tosses it to the dog,
09:33and they all go off in different directions.
09:35So you might see a dog running past with a wig on?
09:39Why do you think wigs were so popular?
09:41People had terrible heads.
09:45Because there was no conditioner back then,
09:47so everyone's hair looked terrible.
09:49A lot of it's to do with syphilis.
09:51Syphilis was rampant.
09:53Oh, yeah.
09:54It caused men to lose their hair.
09:56What?
10:01I don't know what you mean.
10:06Wig crime, why did it stop?
10:08Wigs went out of fashion.
10:10Correct.
10:11Two points.
10:13So there was a supposed wave of detergent theft.
10:15In the United States in 2015 there was supposed to be a great wave
10:18and people were stealing and they had to lock it to the shelves.
10:21Was that because of drugs?
10:22Well, so there was one police officer who said he had seen people buy drugs
10:26in exchange for sort of six bottles of detergent.
10:29It's like the Daz Doorstep Challenge, isn't it?
10:34Would you consider swapping your usual heroin for six bottles of a QI wash?
10:43I imagine that's always been popular.
10:44It's something everybody needs, it's untraceable, it's easy to steal.
10:48You can get rid of all the evidence.
10:50Yes.
10:51I was in the supermarket the other week and the bottles of olive oil were in Perspex cases,
10:58lock boxes.
10:59Wow.
11:00On the shelf because they were £10 each.
11:03That's the state we're at.
11:05I always thought, like, the price of...
11:06When people talk about the price of oil going up, I didn't know they meant extra virgin.
11:11Oiling yourself up for a hot spatula is more expensive than anything.
11:15Well, you'd want to be oiled up if you had a hot spatula.
11:17You would.
11:18In 18th century London, it was easier for crime to pay.
11:29Oh.
11:30Oh, yeah.
11:32I like that.
11:33It kind of slid off the edge of the...
11:35Just that noise.
11:37Now, what wouldn't you want to find in a hairdresser's pocket?
11:41Uh, the husband's phone number?
11:43I'm not saying they're all hussies.
11:46No.
11:47Some of them are.
11:48Statistically.
11:52More hair that they stick back on when you're not looking?
11:54Because then you've got to come back.
11:56It's weirdly...
11:57What happens is you go off on a tangent and get quite close to the real answer.
12:00Oh.
12:01OK.
12:02The whole show is about waves.
12:04What were waves, early waves in the hair?
12:06Perms.
12:07Perms, absolutely right.
12:08Early perms, short for permanent wave.
12:10And they were sometimes called pocket perms by hairstylists
12:13because it was such rough chemicals
12:16that what would happen is that large chunks of hair would break off
12:20and the stylist, instead of telling you that,
12:23would grab it and not want you to know and stick it in their pocket.
12:27So you wouldn't...
12:28Yeah, and you were sticking up from earlier.
12:29Yeah.
12:32Have you ever had a perm? Have you had a perm?
12:33I wanted a perm. Mum wouldn't let me.
12:35Why?
12:37Because she's a bitch.
12:38LAUGHTER
12:39APPLAUSE
12:48You'd be a very good therapist, Sandy.
12:50Right to the heart, people.
12:53One question.
13:00My mum's...
13:01I'm under such strict instructions to never mention her in any of my comedy.
13:05And I'm trying so hard and I can't believe that slipped out.
13:09LAUGHTER
13:10I can't believe that slipped out.
13:11Does she watch QI?
13:12She does watch QI and she's a really lovely woman.
13:14What's her name?
13:15Gail.
13:16Gail.
13:17Can I just say, we'd like to dedicate this whole show to you.
13:21And we're sending Sarah home with a perm.
13:24LAUGHTER
13:25So the very first perm machine was invented by a hairdresser called Charles Nessler in 1909 in Paris.
13:35LAUGHTER
13:36That's a milking machine.
13:38LAUGHTER
13:40He didn't really bother about health and safety.
13:42His wife was his very first volunteer and he burnt all her hair off.
13:46And...
13:47Oh, no.
13:48Yep, scalded and blistered her scalp several times.
13:50He blistered her scalp.
13:51It's so funny.
13:53And...
13:57Sorry.
13:58Sorry.
14:00He basically applied an alkali substance to his client's hair.
14:04So he started with cow's urine.
14:07Mm.
14:08Later moved to borax.
14:09That is the chemical we use today in laundry detergent and for rat poison.
14:14And then he wrapped hair around heavy rollers which were 100 degrees centigrade.
14:18But each one of those rollers weighed a kilo.
14:21And so he had to have that contraption, the counterweights, to try and take the strain off the head.
14:25And they had to sit like that for six hours.
14:28It's impressive she won Miss America without on her head.
14:33Now, can you recommend a reliable way of having a brainwave?
14:40I always find, just as I'm about to go to sleep, the most relaxed I can be while still conscious.
14:44That's when I'll think of something.
14:46Business people say that they call it the shower principle instead of being in water.
14:50OK.
14:51That's big.
14:52So between you, you've had an idea, which is quite exciting.
14:54Tom!
14:55Yes.
14:56So water and being on the edge, the precipice of something.
14:59Sitting on the edge of a bath.
15:05That's how they came up with the idea for the towel.
15:07There's a professional inventor in Tokyo called Dr Yoshiro Nakamatsu.
15:14And he comes up with his best ideas underwater.
15:17OK.
15:18But his method is to bring himself to the brink of drowning.
15:21Right?
15:22He believes that the lack of oxygen is what engenders his creativity.
15:26He says, half a second before death, I visualise an invention.
15:29And he dives down with a waterproof notebook and pencil, his own invention,
15:34and he sketches out his ideas.
15:35He's applied for three and a half thousand patents in his time.
15:38These are his boots that he invented.
15:40Mm.
15:41What do you think they do?
15:42Are they for stealing wigs?
15:45100% could do that because they're just for bouncing.
15:48So that was his idea?
15:49He nearly died?
15:50For that.
15:51Yeah.
15:52So could someone else wake him up?
15:53Like, who's in charge of the, OK, he's about to die, get him out?
15:57I think he just comes out of the water at that point.
15:59So he's in control of all of this?
16:00That's the theory.
16:01Until he dies.
16:02I mean, unless he drowns himself.
16:03And that might be his very best idea.
16:04And we never would know.
16:05He stays for an extra half a second.
16:06Oh.
16:07Mm.
16:08It's kind of like auto-erotic asphyxiation, but for ideas.
16:13At least that's what he says.
16:14He bursts out of the water and says,
16:16Bouncing shoes! Bouncing shoes!
16:20Is that it?
16:21Is that what you've come up with?
16:22And then he runs into Dragon's Den, sopping wet.
16:24Another one!
16:25And his soy sauce spray bottle, I think, is very clever.
16:28You can evenly spritz your sushi.
16:30That's quite good.
16:31Well, that's a good idea.
16:32Yeah, that is a good idea.
16:33But it's not worth nearly dying, is it?
16:34No!
16:35When there's other ways of getting soy sauce on things.
16:37Those little fishes, yeah, they are good.
16:40Yeah, but you get the rice...
16:41The rice gets soaked and it falls apart.
16:43I don't mind if he drowns it by accident,
16:45because that's a really good invention.
16:49OK, he also invented an electromagnetic condom.
16:52Again, fantastic idea.
16:53Fantastic idea.
16:54Does it cure syphilis, asking for a friend?
16:58LAUGHTER
17:06Is that just so you can find true north?
17:09I know.
17:10Currently, what do I know,
17:12the motion of copulation induces a small current in the bloodstream
17:15and that increases pressure.
17:17Would you have to plug it in?
17:19LAUGHTER
17:25Darling, you don't want to be plugged into the mains.
17:27Well, that's how.
17:28Well, that's what I'm thinking.
17:29After getting out an extension lead.
17:31Oh.
17:32What I love is that the elves know,
17:34they're sending me a message saying,
17:35it's wireless.
17:36Thanks, guys.
17:37LAUGHTER
17:38APPLAUSE
17:39Anyway, he calls himself Dr Nakamats.
17:41Since he was 42, he has taken a photograph of every single meal that he has eaten.
17:52Yes.
17:53I'm glad he said meal.
17:54I don't know what he was going to do.
17:55LAUGHTER
17:56I mean, have you been on Instagram?
18:00That's what everyone's doing.
18:01Yeah.
18:02Did he invent that as well?
18:04LAUGHTER
18:05He's been doing that since he was 42, he was in his mid-90s.
18:08Oh, wow.
18:09But he analyses his food and lifestyle and says he will reach the age of 144.
18:13Oh.
18:14There is an extraordinary culture in Japan, though, of sort of curious ideas.
18:17They have a word for it called chindogu, and it means weird tool.
18:21The selfie stick is one that came out of Japan in 1995,
18:25but 20 years later was, you know, they're ubiquitous.
18:27There is a hay fever hat.
18:29LAUGHTER
18:31So cool.
18:33So you've each got a prop next to you.
18:35See if you can guess what they are for.
18:37These are weird tool inventions.
18:39That hay fever hat is by Kenji Kawakami.
18:42I mean, mine are.
18:44Right.
18:45So, Phil...
18:46LAUGHTER
18:47That is a daddy-nurser.
18:51It's called the daddy-nurser, it's great,
18:52but actually there's all kinds of people who might want to breastfeed
18:54their children who can't for whatever reason.
18:56People who adopt or people whose milk just doesn't come in
18:59or they don't have a big enough supply.
19:01So I know it's really silly, but it's also quite a beautiful invention.
19:04Right, what have you got, Alan?
19:05I mean, they're plastic glasses and they've got little funnels on them.
19:08Mm-hm.
19:09So you could pour...
19:12..erm...
19:13..eye drops in?
19:14That's exactly right, darling.
19:15They are eye-drop funnel glasses so that you don't spill them.
19:19That's amazing!
19:20That was a good invention!
19:22That was an investment.
19:23You know what?
19:24Together, Alan, we could get some pretty precise milk in those eyes.
19:27LAUGHTER
19:28You've got very clean eyeballs.
19:33What have you got, Sarah?
19:34Well, I've got a toilet plunger but it's got a ribbon on so you know it's a girl.
19:39LAUGHTER
19:40What do you think you might do with it, though?
19:42It's not a toilet plunger, I can tell you that.
19:43Is this to get my milk to come in?
19:45LAUGHTER
19:46It is a portable subway strap, so what you do is you're on the subway...
19:51LAUGHTER
19:52..you stick it to the roof.
19:55No!
19:56Stick it to the roof.
19:57I worry it's not going to be...
19:58Oh, hello!
19:59No, no!
20:00LAUGHTER
20:01So if you put it above your head...
20:02Yeah, but there's nothing there, so...
20:03It would be like that.
20:04I see what you mean, so just...
20:06Yeah.
20:07Not the fan?
20:08When you have to get off, that must be difficult.
20:10To be like...
20:11Yes.
20:12Right, what have you got, darling?
20:15Now, there should be some toasters.
20:16Oh, yes, there is.
20:17Oh, I didn't know if that was serious.
20:18I thought you'd ordered a snack!
20:20LAUGHTER
20:21Open the stick.
20:23Oh!
20:24Oh!
20:25Yes, and have a look.
20:26Oh, I bet I know what this is going to be.
20:28Is it butter?
20:29It's a butter stick for buttering your toaster.
20:31Oh, look, it works.
20:32Oh, that's good.
20:33Oh, look, it's lovely.
20:35And would you take this with you to events?
20:38LAUGHTER
20:39It's so QVC, you know.
20:42It's so...
20:43It's so elegant.
20:45LAUGHTER
20:46I think if I saw somebody with that, I would think,
20:49gosh, I wish I was them.
20:51LAUGHTER
20:53Then you can do a little bit on your wrists and your neck,
20:56and then you smell a plastic all day long.
20:58Oh, yeah, that's true.
20:59Maybe put it on your spatula.
21:00Lipstick.
21:01Yeah.
21:02Or if you are swimming the channel, you could put it on your chest.
21:04Yeah.
21:05It's a really good idea.
21:07I think we're all trying to use less single-use plastic, though,
21:09aren't we?
21:10You could make it of wood or another fabric,
21:13which was a material which was more...
21:15Denim.
21:16Denim.
21:17LAUGHTER
21:18I'm convinced, yeah.
21:20Yeah, I think there's a market in that.
21:22I can't understand why the two of you have not made a fortune so far.
21:25LAUGHTER
21:26I've got other things as well.
21:27What's that?
21:28Those are just tissues in case you get butter on you.
21:30Now...
21:31LAUGHTER
21:33Right.
21:34It's time to wrangle with the tangle that is general ignorance.
21:36Fingers on buzzers, please.
21:38What happened when War of the Worlds was first broadcast on the radio?
21:42Yes.
21:43Everybody panicked.
21:44They thought it was real.
21:45BUZZER
21:48They set you up, man!
21:49They set you up!
21:50Is it the case that it was a news bulletin about it
21:54that caused the panic and not the actual broadcast?
21:57I mean, the whole thing is a sort of myth that's built up around you.
21:59Oh.
22:00So, Orson Welles, who you can see directing...
22:02This is a rehearsal and you can see him directing.
22:03Yeah.
22:04Cos it was about an alien invasion and people thought it was real.
22:06Well, they did and they didn't.
22:07It was 1938.
22:08It was trailed for weeks as fiction and Welles told people
22:12before the broadcast and after the broadcast that it was fiction.
22:15It was interrupted four times to tell the listeners,
22:18it's just a play.
22:19And anyway, only 2% of the population listened to it.
22:22Aliens would say that, though, wouldn't they?
22:24Yeah, that is true.
22:25They were invading.
22:26They would say, it's just a play!
22:28Imagine if that happened with other TV programmes.
22:31Imagine if, like, every five minutes in Gavin and Stacey,
22:33they had to turn around and go,
22:34I'm not really called this.
22:36My name's James.
22:37In a very few isolated instances,
22:40Welles agreed to compensate one man from Massachusetts
22:43for a pair of shoes since he had spent the money he had saved
22:47for a pair of shoes to get a train ticket to escape the Martians.
22:51And he said, I'll buy you some shoes because you're an idiot.
22:53LAUGHTER
22:56Ten years later, there was an actual riot
22:58after a radio adaptation of the same play in Quito, Ecuador.
23:02But, you know, this was much more understandable.
23:05There'd been no warnings.
23:06There was a sister newspaper that had deliberately posted
23:09fake UFO sightings.
23:11The play used impressionists to pretend to be actual politicians
23:14and so on.
23:15And that riot did result in seven deaths.
23:17But the original, 1938, everybody was pretty much fine.
23:22Now, where would you find the longest heat wave in living memory?
23:27Sahara Desert, that's hot, isn't it?
23:29Yeah, it is.
23:30They don't have...
23:31LAUGHTER
23:32Spain, have you seen A Place in the Sun?
23:36LAUGHTER
23:37LAUGHTER
23:38Do you remember our Japanese inventor, Dokken Nakamatsu?
23:41Oh, yeah.
23:42Of course.
23:43The underwater doctor.
23:44It...
23:45Underwater.
23:46Underwater is the longest heat wave on Earth.
23:48It was in the North Pacific, so off the western coast of the United States.
23:51It lasted 711 days from 2014 to 2016.
23:55So, we get a large mass of unusually warm water.
23:58It's basically a heat wave for the sea.
24:00Oh, I just thought it was someone weed in the water.
24:02LAUGHTER
24:03But it's very bad when it happens.
24:05So, algae thrives, which is very bad news for lots of species like salmon,
24:09and they swim away to somewhere.
24:10Someone needs to put their arm in and just swoosh it about.
24:12LAUGHTER
24:13Yeah, just keep getting it moving.
24:14And putting it up the other end of the bath.
24:16LAUGHTER
24:17But if the fish go because it's too hot or it's too unpleasant,
24:20then the seabirds die, and during that heat wave,
24:23it was the cause of the biggest known mass die-off
24:26of a single species.
24:27Four million guillemots died.
24:29So, I mean, we need to pay attention.
24:30The way in which marine heat waves are defined
24:32is quite different to land heat waves.
24:34Land heat waves, it's a period of at least five days
24:37when temperatures are at least five degrees above average.
24:39So, 2013, Antarctica had a heat wave reached heights
24:43of minus 30 degrees Celsius.
24:45LAUGHTER
24:47The longest heat wave that we know was in India,
24:49and that lasted, in 2024, lasted for 24 days.
24:52There was a British heat wave in 1976,
24:54which was remarkable.
24:55I remember it well.
24:56Oh, my goodness.
24:57And so there was a minister called Dennis Howell,
25:00and he was made the Minister of Drugs.
25:02Oh!
25:03Dennis Howell, yeah.
25:04Look at the colour of his bath water!
25:06LAUGHTER
25:08He was charged by the then Prime Minister James Callaghan
25:11to persuade everybody to use less water,
25:13and even persuaded to do a rain dance on behalf of the nation
25:16outside number 10.
25:17That's when politicians really gave it their all.
25:20LAUGHTER
25:21Anyway, days later, there was an enormous amount of rain
25:24after his dance, and he was made Minister of Floods.
25:27LAUGHTER
25:28Are they not taking it seriously in the old days?
25:31I don't know, cos two years later,
25:32he was the Minister of State for snow,
25:34so he did all the weather.
25:36Yeah.
25:37That guy.
25:38And this was a professional picture?
25:39This wasn't, like...
25:40This wasn't, like, leaked.
25:42I don't know if it's his Tinder profile.
25:45LAUGHTER
25:46What's the largest animal in the world that's not a whale?
25:51LAUGHTER
25:53Christopher Biggins.
25:55LAUGHTER
25:58I love Christopher Biggins.
26:00Biggest non-whale on the planet.
26:02Is it still in the water, though?
26:03Yes.
26:04Oh...
26:05I'd say an octopus, cos they've got these really long tentacles,
26:08haven't they?
26:09OK, I can tell you it's about one and a half times the length
26:12of a London bus.
26:13It's always buses, isn't it?
26:15It's always buses.
26:16Oh, jellyfish.
26:17The biggest non-whale on the planet is a whale shark.
26:20We're always talking about buses.
26:22Yeah.
26:23Right?
26:24And I don't want to do that.
26:25So what we're going to do is we are going to use people.
26:28So what I do when I come out, beginning of the show,
26:30I learn the names of everybody in the audience.
26:33LAUGHTER
26:34Which is nice, cos then I can speak to them.
26:36So, Joe, where's my friend Joe?
26:38Right, so Joe is going to hold up a sign at this end.
26:41I want to show you how big a whale shark is.
26:45And then where is my friend Neil?
26:47Thank you, Neil, darling.
26:48So Neil's going to stand up.
26:49So from Neil to Joe, that is the size of a whale shark.
26:55However, this is not even cracking into the top ten of animals.
27:00Obviously, we have to go to the large blue whale for something really big.
27:04And I don't think we've ever been able to do this before.
27:06But, my darling, could you go all the way to that wall with your sign?
27:11Thank you so much, Neil.
27:12And if he walks all the way to that wall there, that is the size of a blue whale.
27:19Do you not think that is remarkable?
27:21And we wanted to show you rather than tell you it's just so many buses.
27:25So well done, boys.
27:26Thank you so much.
27:27APPLAUSE
27:28All of which, wibbling and wobbling, brings us to the straight matter of the scores.
27:37Oh, is it the end?
27:38Yeah.
27:39You won't want to know the end because in last place...
27:43LAUGHTER
27:45..all washed up with minus 27, it's Tom.
27:49Oh, you're so happy.
27:51It's great as well.
27:52APPLAUSE
27:53In third place, on the brink of a wipeout with minus 19, it's Sarah.
27:57CHEERING
27:58And it's winning 18.
27:59In second place, wavering on the edge with minus 8, it's Phil.
28:03Oh.
28:04APPLAUSE
28:06Our winner tonight, riding the wave, with a whole minus four...
28:12LAUGHTER
28:13It's Alan!
28:14APPLAUSE
28:22So, I wave goodbye to Sarah, Tom, Phil and Alan,
28:25and I leave you with this wisecrack from the late former US president,
28:29Jimmy Carter.
28:30My esteem in the country has gone up substantially,
28:33so that now, when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.
28:37LAUGHTER
28:38Thank you and goodnight.
28:39APPLAUSE
28:40..' LOT OF Fわかって, I hope you had.
28:42For your Oscarsal
28:59I won't talk yet, but I know I've got it, you acuerdo.
29:03I've grown an態度 and I have with any real neighbours,
Be the first to comment
Add your comment