First Wife Syndrome Trope Explained: How "First Wives" Are Flipping the Script

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Go to http://zocdoc.com/thetake to find and book a top-rated doctor today!💍 Unpacking First Wife Tropes, First Wife Syndrome, and the First Wives who are taking back their power  The "first...

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00:00Marriage is ideally imagined as being forever bliss, but that definitely isn't always the case

00:05in reality. The first wife trope on screen often occurs when a married woman learns that her

00:11marriage was just her husband's trial run, and now he's moving on to someone else, who he often

00:16plans to treat a lot better. Being the first wife was long seen as a major loss, but in recent

00:23decades, many have started turning it into a win. Let's dig into this trope to learn more about who

00:28the first wife is on screen, how she's taking back control, and why being first might not always be

00:34such a bad thing in the end. First wives on screen have historically followed a few recognizable

00:47patterns, and her characterization is often very dependent on whose perspective we're seeing her

00:53from. As we meet her early, before she gets pushed aside for the new girlfriend or wife,

00:57she's often caring and kind, but also unassuming and not terribly vibrant. Her relationship with

01:04the male character is often used as a way to indicate that he, too, is good because she sees

01:09the good in him. This is then used to create a contrast when he moves on to the next woman.

01:14We can see how he's changing, but are also meant to kind of get it because the new woman is so dazzling

01:20and exciting. Sometimes the first wife is shown to have some kind of alleged flaw that the next wife

01:26will ameliorate. These stories often don't put a lot of focus on the first wife herself, outside of

01:31using her for his character development. Often played for comedy, these women have been married

01:35numerous times, and might have even been multiple guys' first wife. They're none too bothered about

01:40divorce at this point because they know they'll just be on to the next one.

01:44How many husbands have you had? Mine or other women? Yours. Five. Five? Yes, just the five.

01:49Husband should be like Kleenex. Soft, strong, and disposable. If the new girlfriend or second wife

01:54is the main character, then the first wife is often made to be mean and overbearing,

01:59or sometimes outright evil. We're shown how strained her relationship is, and how miserable she makes

02:06him. This is meant to help make the guy cheating on her and leaving her behind seem not only warranted,

02:11but like a good thing. Even after their relationship is over, she can continue to appear as the nagging

02:16ex-wife that casts a shadow over the new relationship. If she died, then she can remain

02:22a perfect idealized specter that haunts the new relationship, and that all other women are

02:27compared against. But sometimes she's just used to create man pain for a male character so that he's

02:33more able to be more open and loving in his next relationship.

02:37You made a sit-down and listen to the story about how you met mom? Yet mom is hardly in the story.

02:42If we're getting to see the story from her perspective, we're even much better insight

02:46into how painful and traumatic being left behind can be. Whatever her emotions, sadness, rage,

02:52despair, a bit of everything, they usually stem from the issue of first wife syndrome.

02:57I'm sorry I did nothing but be there for you every minute of every day and support you in your

03:04every month! Whether you're running a whole household or just trying to get a handle on

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04:23Marriages can end for all kinds of reasons, and it's a good thing that people in them are able

04:29to leave when they don't want to be in them anymore. But what creates such a big problem

04:33for many first wives on screen, and in real life, is first wife syndrome, where she, as his first

04:40spouse, was there to care for him and love him, and often essentially raise him, shaping him into a

04:46better, more successful person. But then, instead of getting to reap the rewards of all of the time and

04:50effort she's put in, he decides that now he's too good for her and wants to upgrade. Her doing the

04:56work to help him, often putting her own goals on hold to do so, was just seen as a standard part of

05:02her job as his wife. But now that things have worked out, he feels zero need to return the favor.

05:08Wait a minute. I give you 11 years of my life, and you're telling me that you're leaving me for a

05:14white woman? It's often framed as a part of the guy upgrading his entire life. In the same way he gets

05:19a fancy new car or TV, he also upgrades his wife to match his new lifestyle. He sees his first wife

05:25as a reminder of the old him that he wants to leave behind. While he goes out and attempts to

05:30feel young again, the first wife feels, and often is, tossed aside. Though sometimes he comes to find

05:36that he vastly underestimated her and her abilities. The Stepford Wives provides a terrifying version of

05:43this that seems to be coming closer and closer to reality. The man not leaving his first wife for

05:47someone else, but forcibly upgrading his first wife into a so-called new and improved version.

05:53Kristen Milioti has played two characters that exemplify the first wife trope on screen.

05:58In The Wolf of Wall Street, she plays Jordan's first wife, Teresa, who loves him and cares for

06:03him and is there for him through his hardest times. When he's ready to give up on himself,

06:07she helps him push through, and keeps them afloat when he loses his job. The second he gets a taste of

06:12the high life, he begins cheating on her, and then leaves her for the glamorous Naomi,

06:17who better fits the idea of who he wants to be. Teresa then essentially disappears from the story

06:22altogether. In real life, Denise Lombardo, who Teresa is based on, went back to college post-divorce

06:28and became a successful real estate agent. On How I Met Your Mother, the show was ostensibly framed

06:33around main character Ted meeting her, the mother. And when she did finally show up,

06:44everyone loved her, on the show and in the audience. She was funny and kind and a great

06:48addition to the group. But in the end, the story wasn't about meeting the mother at all.

06:59She was killed off at the last second to make room for Ted to go for Robin instead.

07:04This is a story about how you're totally in love with Aunt Robin.

07:07We've got a whole video breaking down this terrible ending if you want to know more.

07:11In increasingly more cases, we're thankfully getting to see things from the first wife's

07:15own perspective, where she's allowed to be a full human being with good and bad parts,

07:20with her own thoughts and dreams and her own story. Freed from just being a function of her ex-husband,

07:25we're allowed to see the full spectrum of her humanity and get to understand her better.

07:31Sometimes it takes the man leaving her for the first wife to really accept what garbage he is,

07:35and that she is actually better off without him and having to bend her life around his needs.

07:40The first wives club is a perfect example. We meet a group of friends who have all been left

07:44by their husbands for younger women.

07:46You don't understand. There are only three ages for women in Hollywood. Babe, district attorney,

07:52and driving Miss Daisy. They certainly aren't perfect people themselves,

07:56but that's what makes the movie great. It's not really about their old relationships with

08:00their husbands, but instead them rebuilding their relationships with one another,

08:04and learning to love themselves. And in this shift to focus more on the first wife's own

08:09perspective, we've also begun to see many more stories where the first wife is the one that

08:14makes the call to walk away. While being the first wife was long framed as something that happens

08:19to the wife, a result of her being left by her husband, we begin to see more and more versions

08:25of this from the other direction, where the wife is the one that chooses to leave the marriage behind.

08:30Sometimes she just realizes that this guy isn't who she wants to be with for the rest of her life,

08:34or sometimes any guy.

08:36We're getting married.

08:37As in, I now pronounce you wife and wife married?

08:40But often it's a decision that comes from finally hitting a wall after putting up with so much for so long.

08:46After suffering through neglect, or cheating, or full-on abuse for years and years,

08:51and eventually coming to the realization that they are the only ones actually trying to make the relationship work,

08:56these first wives decide to end things themselves and go their own ways.

09:00This generally isn't a spur-of-the-moment decision,

09:02as the man choosing to leave to upgrade to a hot new woman he met at a party the day before might be,

09:07but instead the result of a lot of thinking and planning.

09:10And yet it can still come as quite a shock to the men in these long-term marriages,

09:14where they just assumed they'd get to keep using the wife forever without having to put in any work on their end,

09:21and have their mind blown that she would actually leave after a certain point.

09:25On Mad Men, Betty had focused her entire life around getting a husband and building the perfect life,

09:31only to realize when she got everything she had been aiming for,

09:34it wasn't fulfilling, or at all what it was cracked up to be.

09:37I always thought people saw psychiatrists when they were unhappy.

09:42And I think, are you unhappy?

09:45Of course I'm happy.

09:46She attempts to keep up the facade, but is incredibly unhappy.

09:51And once she finds out the extent of Dawn's lies, she's had enough and leaves him.

09:55And the era here is key.

09:57For a long, long time, it just wasn't possible for women to decide they wanted to leave a marriage.

10:03If divorce was even allowed, there were many stipulations that had to be met,

10:07and they were not based on the wife's happiness or personal comfort.

10:11Betty was among the first generation of women for whom it was becoming a possibility to free themselves from unhappy marriages.

10:17And even then, she had a long uphill battle,

10:20and had to make the drive all the way to Reno to get the divorce done.

10:23In walk-away wife situations, being the first wife isn't necessarily a sad thing,

10:28an indication that she's been left behind.

10:31But instead, a positive sign that she was able to leave the relationship and do what she wanted with her life.

10:37Divorce doesn't always have to be some huge shock or world-ending event.

10:41Sometimes two people just realize they've grown apart and don't want to be married anymore.

10:45They can actually have a better relationship once they go their separate ways and are able to just be friends,

10:50instead of having the pressure of a whole marriage and trying to remain the people they were when they got married.

10:55You know, some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together.

11:00They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people.

11:03And sometimes, after a bit of separation, a couple even decides to get remarried down the road,

11:08once they've worked on themselves and worked out their issues.

11:11Scenes from A Marriage and its recent remake explore this whole conundrum in flipped ways.

11:15In the original, she gets cheated on and he asks for a divorce.

11:18In the remake, she's the one that cheats and asks for the divorce.

11:21In both, the couple separate, but end up finding their way back to each other in the end, in a way.

11:27More able to be open and honest with each other as they've finally given themselves the opportunity to figure out more about themselves.

11:35Being the first wife isn't a sentence to despair and getting written out of your own story.

11:39Instead, it's an opportunity to rewrite your own narrative,

11:43focus on the people you really do want in your lives,

11:45and do really care about you,

11:47and begin chasing your own dreams.

11:49If you don't own me,

11:52don't try to change me in any way.

11:56That's the take.

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