- 5 hours ago
Tv, Facejacker Season 2 Episode 1
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FunTranscript
00:00Meal time's getting you down?
00:21Tired of the same old sauces, mustards and dressings?
00:24What if you could replace all your sauces with just one?
00:27Well now you can!
00:28My name's Tony Chips and I'm here in the United States of America
00:31to trade away you look a sauce forever, will you?
00:33Tony's special sauce!
00:35Baggers!
00:36Talk to me!
00:37Hot dogs!
00:38Talk to me!
00:39Ribs!
00:40Tacos!
00:41Chicken balls!
00:42Don't forget the buns!
00:43Oh my god!
00:44This is amazing!
00:45Thank you, Tony!
00:46It's Tony.
00:47If you love a taste of sauce, then you'll love a taste of toys!
00:51Wrap your lips around that!
00:53If we don't say Toey's on the bottle, then it's no Toey's!
00:58Toey's special sauce!
01:00My agent called me up, so, uh, how would you like to be a judge?
01:06That's, uh, what we're talking.
01:08X-Fact, Bob Adam, because not, better than that.
01:11Beauty pageant!
01:12Beauty pageant!
01:13It's all about Toey now!
01:14Toey's talking over this time!
01:15At the prized Princess pageant in Pennsylvania, organisers John and Crystal have had a difficult
01:30start to their event.
01:31Two judges cancelled and a, uh, MC calls us this morning and tells us he's not gonna be
01:38able to make it.
01:43Already running two hours behind schedule, and with the contestants getting restless,
01:48John and Crystal need to come up with some solutions.
01:52And first.
01:53Hello, Crystal.
01:54Hi, Crystal.
01:55How are we?
01:56Nice to meet you.
01:57Our MC just cancelled on us.
01:59MC, yeah?
02:00Sir, can you do that?
02:01Huh?
02:02Can you do that?
02:03Of course I can!
02:04Beautiful, yeah, yeah.
02:05To be honest, I've never done this before.
02:07I mean, I have been to a beauty pageant, don't get me wrong, you know.
02:09Okay.
02:10I've been to quite a few.
02:11Misswell, 76.
02:12Uh, Misswell, 77.
02:13Mm-hmm.
02:14And then, uh, I was barred in 78.
02:17But in 79, basically, they were supposed to take place in Honduras.
02:21And what happened was there was a terrible tropical storm.
02:24And that's a cancer the whole thing.
02:25It was terrible.
02:26Yeah.
02:27There's foundation on everyone.
02:28Oh, wow.
02:29With the pageant still not underway, recently divorced Terry is ruffling the feathers of some of the contestants' mums.
02:36So what are you, uh, what's the, uh, what's the, uh, you married?
02:39I'm sorry?
02:40Are you married?
02:41Yes.
02:42Oh, you are.
02:43You win some, you lose some, eh?
02:44You wanna go out for a drink or some of you, let me know.
02:45Some of the things that he said to me in the hallway were inappropriate.
02:49I hope this isn't your plan, yeah?
02:50He asked me if I was married.
02:52I'm recently divorced, you see.
02:54And I said, yes, I have six children, lots of children.
02:57And he said,
02:58Your husband must have a enormous pose.
02:59Brrrr.
03:00Brrrr.
03:01Bonus.
03:02Oh, yeah!
03:03Five children in the hallway.
03:07Have a great job.
03:08One individual.
03:09Five children in the hallway for the tempoys
03:12Welcome to Hugo.
03:13Our self-service checkouts are now touch sensitive and voice activated.
03:16Let's get scanning.
03:19Boop! Scantastic!
03:27Take your item in your hands. Good.
03:34And wave it over the scanner. Find the barcode first.
03:39Where's the barcode? Can you see it? Maybe it's on the bottom. There it is!
03:43And scan your item simply, efficiently and easily.
03:49Boop!
03:51Please scan your next item.
03:53Unidentify an object in bagging area.
03:55Please remove and replace the item.
03:58No!
03:59Unidentify an object in bagging area.
04:02Please remove the item and re-scan it.
04:05Or the authorities will be notified.
04:07I have a twin sister!
04:09Maya, you're so handsome!
04:11Her name is Augustine.
04:13You want to get to know me a bit better?
04:15Some people think she's disgusting.
04:19Hey!
04:21Hello, Mr. Mohammed.
04:23You're here for the minicab driver, too.
04:25How are you, Mr. Gohan?
04:27I'm all right.
04:28How are you?
04:29I'm very well, thank you.
04:30What a handsome man you are.
04:31Oh, thank you.
04:32You see, as my husband's come, I don't really ask him when I take it, you know, because I like to do a bit of this on the side.
04:41Yes.
04:42You know, and he likes to do a bit of something else on the side, you know, but we won't get into that, you know.
04:46That's, you know, his business.
04:48God bless him.
04:49He's just, you know, so very highly sexed.
04:52Okay.
04:53You know.
04:54Okay, you might want to bring the thing a bit forward because you're a little man.
04:57Can you see over the steering wheel?
04:59Yeah.
05:00Have you got any cushions?
05:01I don't have any cushions.
05:02No.
05:03The only cushions you see are here.
05:04Right, okay.
05:05But if you sit on those, I might have to charge you.
05:07Right, okay.
05:08If you know what I mean.
05:09I think so.
05:11Good.
05:12It takes a very skilled man to drive a minicab.
05:16I don't know.
05:17Have you driven a minicab before?
05:18No, but I drive buses, though.
05:20Oh, you've driven a bus?
05:21I drive buses.
05:22Oh, wonderful.
05:23You're the big bus driver.
05:24Yes.
05:25Oh, my God, with your big bus.
05:2712 years, 15 years, 16 years.
05:2915 years on the bus?
05:3016 years on the buses.
05:31Oh, my God.
05:32What number bus did you drive?
05:33Normally they stopped.
05:34It wasn't a number 73, was it?
05:36Oh, no, no, no.
05:37No, no, no, no.
05:38You wouldn't be the handsome bus driver on the 73.
05:40No, no, no.
05:41No, no, no.
05:42No, no, no.
05:43I'll show you my oyster.
05:45Yes.
05:46Yes.
05:47Maybe later.
05:55Did you miss me?
05:56Nah.
05:57F*** up.
05:58Back at the pageant, the organizers are still hoping that substitute MC Terry will be a success.
06:04Our first contestant tonight is Sophia Harrison.
06:07She's two years old.
06:09Hello, Sophia.
06:10Look at her.
06:12Beautiful.
06:13Is she a mommy?
06:14She's going to mommy.
06:15That's where she's going.
06:16I'm a mommy.
06:17Oh, yeah.
06:18Oh, my God.
06:19That's what the prize princess pageant is all about.
06:22It's about young, beautiful girls, you know, who are going to grow up to be all beautiful
06:26girls.
06:27Now, we all like all beautiful girls, don't we?
06:28Oh, my God.
06:29This guy's out of control.
06:30Not too old, man.
06:31There comes a time when, you know, it's something to put them in a home and, you know, go around
06:35once a month.
06:36That's what I did.
06:37The nurses don't abuse them anymore.
06:38It's lovely.
06:39Anyway, moving on.
06:40Someone needs to say something.
06:41Oh, yeah.
06:42Hello.
06:43We have a new MC.
06:44Anybody like to be a judge again?
06:46I wouldn't.
06:47I thought I was doing an all right job.
06:50I'd like to stop things for a second.
06:52Oh, I feel a little bit hurt and upset.
06:56Some of the parents don't like my style of presenting.
06:59Now, if you think they're right, then you say I.
07:03But if you like me the way I am, like how my mom warns me and how my son and daughter
07:09love their old man, yeah, I might be three out of my five ex-wives, then you say so now.
07:15Because I could be downbeat or I could be myself.
07:18Now, what would you rather I be?
07:20I'm fine.
07:25Okay.
07:26You're fine.
07:27I've been fine.
07:28I come all the way.
07:30We think that you'd be better as a judge.
07:31From Whitman to England.
07:32And you're fine with me.
07:35Hello, everyone.
07:36Are you excited to be here?
07:38Yes.
07:39I'm out of here.
07:40Are you excited to be here to see these beautiful young ladies?
07:43Fine, man.
07:44I'm blown.
07:45Moving on.
07:46Yes, indeed.
07:47Moving on.
07:48No.
07:49Like, like a rave.
07:50You going?
07:51No.
07:52Please scan your next item.
07:55Item not found.
07:57Please state the item clearly into the machine.
08:01Heritage chopped tomatoes.
08:03You, Mr. Purchase.
08:04Curly Black Label.
08:0624 pack.
08:07No.
08:08Heritage chopped tomatoes.
08:10You, Mr. Purchase.
08:12Uncle Ben's spicy sausage.
08:14Jesus.
08:15A cabbage.
08:16No, a cauliflower.
08:18Cabbage.
08:19Cauliflower.
08:20Red cabbage.
08:21Red cabbage.
08:22No, a cauliflower.
08:23Oh, bloody hell.
08:24Heritage chopped tomatoes.
08:25You, Mr. Purchase.
08:26Golden wonder.
08:27Salt and vinegar.
08:28Family size.
08:29Is that correct?
08:30No.
08:31It's a bloody cauliflower.
08:32You, Mr. Purchase.
08:33A cabbage.
08:34What are you on about?
08:35You, Mr. Purchase.
08:36Captain Bird's eye.
08:37Fish balls.
08:38Is that correct?
08:39No.
08:40Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat.
08:43No.
08:44Let me give you a hand here.
08:45No, no, no.
08:46In the dry.
08:47Can you pull out here?
08:48It's very tight.
08:49Do you like to pull out when it's tight?
08:50No.
08:51No, me neither.
08:52Oh, please be careful.
08:53You know, I'm a nervous passenger, you know.
08:54That's nice.
08:55Now, at the end of the road, please take...
08:56Oh, my God.
08:57Sorry.
08:58What happened there?
08:59I'm used to the clutch.
09:00Oh, the clutch?
09:01No, no, no.
09:02This is the automatic.
09:03Please don't scare me like that again, please.
09:04No, turn right there.
09:05Oh, my God.
09:06You can go, Mr. Goha.
09:07He's flashing you.
09:08That's it.
09:09Because if you let people go, that's it.
09:10Because if you let people go, you should go.
09:11You're not coming.
09:12I'm coming.
09:13I'm coming.
09:14You're coming.
09:15No, no, no.
09:16You're coming.
09:17It's coming.
09:18It's coming.
09:19You're coming.
09:20You're coming.
09:21I'm coming.
09:22I'm coming.
09:23You're coming.
09:24You're coming.
09:25I'm coming.
09:26I'm coming.
09:27Because if you let people go, they'll be going all day.
09:31I can go all day.
09:35Now, if you go very slowly, I'd like you
09:37to read out the numbers on the doors.
09:39OK.
09:40Which ones?
09:41Just whichever ones you see.
09:43OK, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44.
09:49You're guessing now, Mr. Muhammad, now.
09:52Pull one out, pull one out.
09:53What color you want?
09:54I'll read the number.
09:54The red one.
09:55The red one, 48.
09:58The green one.
09:5949.
10:00Oh, my god.
10:0150.
10:02I gave it away.
10:03Oh, no.
10:05Mr. Muhammad.
10:07Oh, my god.
10:09Chow, chow, chow, sing us a song.
10:10Ray, ray, ray from the Mezvi side.
10:14Actually, Tom.
10:19I've just been fired.
10:23Do you ever have mama's swear?
10:25A crowd will turn against you?
10:27Who cares?
10:28I hope he left.
10:29I could not have Terry continue because they all told me they were very upset.
10:33They were, they were, I think they were going to leave.
10:35For the pageant to continue, Crystal needs Terry to return as a judge.
10:40But she's finding it difficult.
10:43So will the intervention of a good Samaritan change Terry's mind?
10:48These children are counting when I got two little ones that do anything for them.
10:53I got two little ones, too.
10:55Wouldn't you do anything for them?
10:57I would.
10:58I would help them out.
11:00It's the right thing to do and you'll feel better about it.
11:02But I feel bad now.
11:04No, this will make you feel better.
11:05You're doing a good thing.
11:07You're right.
11:09I'm going to throw it for the kids.
11:10Give me that thing.
11:11Let's judge.
11:12Thank you, sir.
11:13You need a car?
11:15You can throw Terry tapes, all right?
11:16I'll give you a good price.
11:18Please scan your next item.
11:21Come on.
11:23Age verification is required for this item.
11:26Please state your date of birth clearly into the machine.
11:29Fourth, 747.
11:31You were born on the...
11:33Fourth of the...
11:34Seven.
11:362007.
11:37You're too young to purchase this item.
11:40Please scan your next item.
11:42Age verification is required for this item.
11:47Well, for Custard.
11:48Age verification is required for this item.
11:51Custard.
11:51I met you quite a good dancer.
11:53I have been known to, you know, shake my stuff.
11:55I do a mean moonwalk.
11:56Would you like to see it?
11:57What is the matter?
12:11I don't want to see a moment.
12:22Don't lie at that.
12:28He literally picked up his phone and made a phone call in the middle of somebody being
12:32on the stage.
12:33Are you with that Mustafa?
12:35Those are in the back where I say come back to pay.
12:44With many categories to mark, it's important that the judges pay close attention.
12:49Unfortunately, Terry has some catching up to do with his marking.
12:56I'll be back.
12:57Okay, go grab that.
12:58We'll be right here.
12:59Just getting a count.
13:00Yeah, no.
13:01It's 799.
13:02It's a 10.
13:03Let me print them something.
13:04What's up, Shira?
13:05He's copying me.
13:06Your answer's high, though.
13:07I don't.
13:08Who's my highest?
13:09My highest is...
13:11He's copying me.
13:12Your answer's high, though.
13:14I don't.
13:16Who's my highest?
13:18My highest is...
13:19I got a tie.
13:20Two way.
13:21Oh, yeah?
13:22I've had a tie three way.
13:23Oh, yeah.
13:24That was the night I won't forget.
13:25Boys!
13:26Boys!
13:27Boys!
13:28I was born this way.
13:29Oh, my!
13:30Isn't she puked?
13:31At this point, I just want to say that things are going very well for you.
13:35Okay, thank you.
13:36I've got to take your blood pressure as well.
13:38Okay.
13:39And...
13:40Do you like music, Mr. Mohamed?
13:42I do, but then again...
13:44Maybe if you're a bit nervous, we can play a song.
13:47Whatever.
13:48So bring it on.
13:50You know...
13:51I'm really happy to meet you, Mr. Mohamed.
13:56Would you like something to eat?
13:58No, I'm alright.
13:59I mean, I don't...
14:00I just do bananas a lot.
14:01Do you not?
14:02No.
14:03Do you mind if I do?
14:04No.
14:05I love a good banana.
14:06I love a good banana.
14:07It's good and healthy for you.
14:08But it can't be too ripe, you know?
14:09Yeah.
14:10It must be a little bit firm.
14:11Right.
14:12You know what I mean?
14:13You know what I mean?
14:14I'm really happy to meet you, Mr. Mohamed.
14:15Would you like something to eat?
14:16No, I'm alright.
14:17I mean, I don't...
14:18I just do bananas a lot.
14:19Do you not?
14:20No.
14:21Do you mind if I do?
14:22No.
14:23I love a good banana.
14:25That's good and healthy for you.
14:28But it can't be too ripe, you know?
14:30Yeah.
14:31It must be a little bit firm.
14:33Right.
14:34You know what I mean?
14:36Yeah.
14:37Too ripe.
14:38It's got a bit too much black on it, hasn't it?
14:40But it's too black.
14:41Mmm.
14:42Mmm.
14:43Yes.
14:44Are you really married?
14:45Yes, I am.
14:46Really?
14:47Yes.
14:48Mr. Mohamed.
14:49Yes.
14:50He has such a tease.
14:51Yes.
14:52Are you having a nice time, Mr. Kohar?
14:56It's okay.
14:57I'm going to have to do the driving lessons, yeah.
14:59Mmm.
15:00Oh!
15:01Absolutely utter disgrace.
15:04Please scan your next item.
15:12Malfunction.
15:13Malfunction.
15:14Malfunction.
15:15System is resetting.
15:16So...
15:17I was led to believe that this entire show would be taking place in America.
15:32Top set!
15:33You just gave one.
15:34The judges of the beauty pageant are carefully deliberating who the winners will be.
15:51She's a very good tap dancer, that one.
15:53What did she do again?
15:54She didn't do...
15:55That's a tap dancer, then!
15:56No, she didn't do a talent.
15:57That's good.
15:58Now that one I've had to look at, there's nothing good in there.
16:00Oh, that's Calista.
16:01Oh, she's very good.
16:02Is she the tap dancer?
16:03No, the tap dancer was already seen.
16:06She's already been scored.
16:07Oh, now Cassie was good.
16:08She was a tap dancer, right?
16:09No.
16:10The tap dance, we already saw her.
16:12Her portfolio has been seen already.
16:13We already looked at her.
16:15I'm about to snap out.
16:16Yes, please.
16:20We're just finishing Courtney.
16:21Oh, she's a tap dancer.
16:22This is the tap dancer, right here.
16:27Oh yeah, that's fine.
16:28Yeah.
16:29I like the violinist.
16:32Shut up!
16:33What we're going to do now is have a little role play.
16:36Okay.
16:37What I would like to do is to now become one of your passengers.
16:41Right.
16:42Oh, what a day I've had.
16:44Is a seat back enough?
16:45Oh yeah, that's fine.
16:46Oh really?
16:47Maybe I could just...
16:48Easy back a little bit.
16:49Alright.
16:50Just lean back.
16:51It's fine.
16:52That's fine.
16:53Just lean your head back for me.
16:54Oh yes.
16:55How's that?
16:56Do you mind if I give you a bit of a ear massage?
17:01I want to sing for you.
17:05Do you like my body?
17:09Do you love my body?
17:11I'm not here to like that.
17:12I want to sing for you.
17:15You are all mine.
17:17You are all mine.
17:19Together we can make love.
17:23Till the dawn.
17:25Mr. Muhammad, don't play how to get with me.
17:27I'm not.
17:28Yes you are, Mr. Muhammad.
17:29I'm not.
17:30I see the way you look at me.
17:31I'm not playing how to get at all.
17:32You're not playing how to get at all.
17:33Yes you are, Mr. Muhammad.
17:35I'm just trying to make ends meet.
17:37I want your meat, Mr. Muhammad.
17:39No.
17:40Please.
17:41I can't.
17:42Why not?
17:43Mr. Muhammad.
17:44I want you to go hard.
17:46I want you to go hard.
17:50On me.
17:51All night.
17:52Can you get rid of the driving?
17:53All night.
17:54No.
17:55Oh yes.
17:56I'm married, don't you?
17:59But I'm married as well.
18:01No, no, no, no.
18:02You really need to trim your ear here.
18:04I know.
18:05Maybe I could trim it with my tongue.
18:07No, no, no.
18:08No, no.
18:09No, no.
18:10Left boobie, say hello, Mr. Goha.
18:14Right boobie, say hello, Mr. Goha.
18:18Mrs. Mundu, say hello, Mr. Goha.
18:22Oh!
18:23It's like a little flash.
18:25Oh, I'm not looking.
18:26I'm just here to do the driving.
18:28I've got my eye on you.
18:29Take you from A to B.
18:30How about I take you from X to C?
18:33Uh, no.
18:34Hang your face wearing a bus!
18:37I like it.
18:40One moment, please.
18:41We are putting you through to an assistant.
18:43Oh, good.
18:44Here's a word from some of our satisfied customers.
18:48I love your go.
18:49It's great.
18:50I love the choice and the fact that it's quick and I like the colours they use as well in
18:55the signs.
18:58Hello?
18:59Hello.
19:00Hello, yes.
19:01You having problem with machine?
19:02It has just asked for my age for pork pies.
19:06Pork pies?
19:07Yes.
19:08Pork pies.
19:09Oh.
19:10Okay.
19:11Could I ask you which store you are calling from?
19:13Nuneaton, Warwickshire, England.
19:15Nuneaton.
19:16How are you spelling Nuneaton?
19:17Sorry.
19:18N-U-N-E-A.
19:20Sorry.
19:21N-U-N.
19:22N-U-N.
19:23N-U-N.
19:24Yes.
19:25No.
19:26N-U-N.
19:27Yes.
19:28N-U-N.
19:29N-U-N.
19:30N-U-N.
19:31N-U-N.
19:32Yes.
19:33No.
19:34No, no, no, no, Neaton.
19:36No, no, Neaton.
19:38But you said N, U, N, N, U, N.
19:40No, I didn't.
19:41N, U, N, E, A, T, O, N.
19:45N, U, N.
19:46M, U, M.
19:48N, finale.
19:50M, U, N.
19:52M.
19:53E, A, T, O, N.
19:55E, A, T, O, N.
19:57Mameacon.
19:59It's not coming up on computings.
20:01How are you spending the verdicts, yes?
20:03Oh, good grades.
20:04W.A.R. W.A.R.
20:07W.A.R.
20:09W.A.R. W.A.R.
20:11W.A.R.
20:12No.
20:13W.A.R.
20:14W.A.R.
20:15W.A.R.
20:16W.A.R.
20:17W.A.R.
20:18W.A.R.
20:19What, what, what, what it's right?
20:21No.
20:22One moment please, I'm going to call for backups.
20:25Hello?
20:30Hello?
20:32Hello?
20:33Yes?
20:34Can I pay for my shopping?
20:37Sorry?
20:38Can I pay for my shopping?
20:40Is this two one two eight four two one?
20:43Hello?
20:44Hello?
20:45Bloody young people calling the phone again.
20:49I, I, I have enormously large
20:52W.A.R.
20:53W.A.R.
20:54W.A.R.
20:55W.A.R.
20:56W.A.R.
20:57W.A.R.
20:58W.A.R.
20:59W.A.R.
21:00W.A.R.
21:01W.A.R.
21:02W.A.R.
21:03W.A.R.
21:04W.A.R.
21:05W.A.R.
21:06W.A.R.
21:07W.A.R.
21:08W.A.R.
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21:43She's a pain in the ass, she is, I mean, she's my daughter, I can say that, but if you're
21:48listening to Anzi, wherever you are, your dad loves you very much, and he misses you.
21:54I don't regret doing it, I think it was, you know, a good experience.
22:00And he's sorry, okay, if you want to go with Mustafa, then you go, my blessing, all right,
22:05but he's not staying around our house.
22:09Thank you, good night, much love.
22:13Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
22:16Mr. Mohammad, please.
22:18I'm sorry.
22:21Well take me back to guessing.
22:23头乘
22:25Oh my god.
22:27Just go, just go, get out of my side.
22:36I know they want大哥 dust.
22:40The total for your shop today is...
22:43When you're ready, no rush.
22:45One hundred and eight pounds, seventy-six pence.
22:48Fuck off!
22:49Fucking hundred and eight pounds, are they taking a piss?
22:51We're lucky we've got a ten off.
22:53You're on drugs.
22:54Before you finish and pay...
22:57Would you like some cash back?
22:59No.
23:01Would you like to buy Hugo home insurance?
23:03No.
23:05Would you like life insurance?
23:07That's all.
23:09Would you like Hugo car insurance?
23:11No.
23:13What an annoying thing.
23:14You are one hundredth...
23:16Congratulations.
23:17You are one hundredth customer of today.
23:20You are eligible for a mystery secret prize.
23:24Wicked.
23:26Today's secret prize is...
23:28One month's supply of coal.
23:30One month's supply of coal?
23:32Coal.
23:33Enjoy your complimentary gift, courtesy of Hugo.
23:36Self-service check-outs.
23:38What a cost check-out.
23:39Enjoy your coal!
23:41Want to enjoy your coal!
23:48Can you listen very often,
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49:30
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