- 4 months ago
Taskmaster - S20 E01 - 9 × 7
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FunTranscript
00:00Oh, no!
00:06Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:19Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:25There.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:33Hello! Thank you!
00:35Welcome to Taskmaster,
00:37a set of challenges presided over by a temperamental dictator.
00:40It's a sort of upbeat North Korea.
00:42And I'm Kim Yong-Fung.
00:49Let's meet our citizens for the first time.
00:52They are...
00:53Anya Magliano!
00:56Maisie Adam!
00:58Phil Ellis!
01:00Reece Shearsmith!
01:02And Sanjeev Bhaskar!
01:07And next to me,
01:08a man who I once thought I saw riding on the back of a baby elephant
01:12with a tiny trunk to discover he simply had no trousers on.
01:18It's...
01:19It's...
01:21Little Alex Horne!
01:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:25Yeah.
01:27Hello, everyone. It's lovely to be here. It's lovely to see you, Greg.
01:29I actually think you're great.
01:30Thanks.
01:31Thanks, man.
01:32But I do think I can help.
01:34With a couple of enhancements.
01:36On the count of three, would you mind smiling?
01:38One, two, three.
01:39No!
01:41No?
01:43I can do...
01:44I can do a couple of these.
01:46How about doing a nice big blink to camera?
01:48A blink?
01:49A blink.
01:50One, two, three.
01:52Yeah.
01:53Snare.
01:54Snare drum.
01:55Open your mouth.
01:56One, two, three.
01:58LAUGHTER
02:00Yeah?
02:01Yeah.
02:02Yeah.
02:03By your standards, not bad.
02:05OK, here we go.
02:06What's the first prize task of this series, little Alex Horne?
02:10Well, my guy, today you asked him quite specifically to bring in
02:14a very soft thing which would be most beneficial for Greg Davis.
02:19OK, so the very soft thing Greg thinks he'd find most beneficial
02:22will get the full five points, then the winner of the episode
02:25will take home all five very soft things even though they're
02:27intended to benefit Greg, but Greg won't mind as it's bound
02:30to be a great big bunch of crap.
02:32Thanks very much.
02:34Over and out.
02:35OK, Anya, welcome.
02:38What soft thing did you bring me?
02:40I brought you a bum cushion.
02:42OK.
02:46It doesn't look unlike my bum.
02:50So I made it extra soft because I added some cat hair on it.
02:54From my cats, Chicken and Rickon.
02:57Chicken and Rickon.
02:58Now, the problem for you and your bald cats is I am profoundly
03:02allergic to cats.
03:03Oh, no!
03:05What I will say is this, at least you've made an effort.
03:08The people I get angry with are the people who haven't made
03:10an effort.
03:11Yeah, when we got them spayed, I said, can I keep the hair?
03:14Because they had to shave some of them to put like an injection in.
03:17Oh, that's lovely.
03:18Yeah.
03:19So this hair is just before they had their wounds removed.
03:23It's from the really special zones.
03:25Ah, great.
03:26Which you might not be allergic to that.
03:29Well, I've never...
03:33I've never put that to the test.
03:34But never say never.
03:36Yeah.
03:38Maisie.
03:39Er...
03:40Buh, buh, buh.
03:41I'm sorry.
03:42Small talk.
03:43How are you?
03:44Very well, thanks, Greg.
03:45How are you?
03:46What have you brought in?
03:51I've brought in a manly bonnet for you.
03:54I'm concerned about banging your head on things, what with your...
03:57Extraordinary height.
03:58Extraordinary height, yeah.
03:59Here it is.
04:00Maisie's bonnet.
04:01So you've got...
04:04I didn't want you to feel emasculated by wearing a bonnet,
04:06so I've stuck loads of manly things on it.
04:09Oh, that's nice.
04:10Yeah.
04:11Er, barbecue on the top.
04:12Lovely.
04:13A bit of weight, toolbox.
04:15A couple bottles of beers for the lads.
04:18My dad's quite tall and he always hits the top of his head
04:21and it scabs over.
04:23And what better to protect it than a miniature barbecue?
04:29I really like it.
04:30Wow.
04:31You're welcome.
04:32I've got nothing negative to say
04:33and I'm not allergic to any of those things.
04:35Phil?
04:36What is the softest thing in the universe?
04:39And we all know that is the hands and voices of the elderly.
04:44So...
04:46So I thought if I just, like, pop these on,
04:48these elderly people's hands, though.
04:51Yeah.
04:52They fit like a glove.
04:53I mean, that's perfect, innit?
04:54Yeah.
04:55So I thought...
04:57It's like...
04:58If you just enjoy the...
04:59If we play the cassette...
05:00Yeah, you ready...
05:01Of a softly-spoken elderly lady...
05:02Here is the elderly lady talking now.
05:05Hello, Greg.
05:06You're such a wonderful person.
05:09We're all so proud of you.
05:11Such a big, strong, beefy boy.
05:15Good, innit?
05:17Is that an old lady?
05:18It is an old lady, yes.
05:19Well, it's the oldest one I could find.
05:23Erm, I found it quite distressing.
05:26I think if you'd brought an old lady on,
05:28maybe it would have been more beneficial.
05:30I know.
05:31It's weird, though.
05:32No-one would come with me.
05:33Yeah.
05:35Rhys, what did you bring us?
05:36Erm, my first question is, are you allergic to feathers?
05:39I am.
05:42Right, well, moving on.
05:44Let's imagine I'm not.
05:45I have created for you...
05:48..a fortune-telling raven.
05:52Didn't I say? That's what I was hoping for.
05:54Here is the fortune-telling raven.
06:00There it is.
06:01Every morning, we'll give you a prediction for the events of that day.
06:05Raven!
06:07Tell me my fortune.
06:12There it is, look.
06:13Pick one up for you.
06:14What's it?
06:16You will leave the iron on.
06:21Greg, you've got to leave and get home.
06:24Yeah, like I iron.
06:28Christ, none of these are rubbish.
06:30You must be feeling the heat, aren't you, Sanjay?
06:32Totally.
06:33I've gone, um, incredibly practical.
06:36Here it is.
06:37Nice big blanket.
06:38Do you see?
06:40And there it is.
06:42And there he is.
06:43Made from...
06:44The contestant who grabbed something on his way to the show.
06:49It's electric.
06:51Oh!
06:52It warms up.
06:53Wait a moment.
06:54It's made from the finest cat...
06:55Er, sheep hair.
06:58Or wool, as I believe some people call it.
07:01No, because I thought...
07:02You know, because you are tall, you feel the cold quicker than anyone else.
07:07OK.
07:08You've seen five quite soft things.
07:10Yeah.
07:11Other people have made stuff.
07:12So I have to punish you, because you didn't make it.
07:13I'm...
07:14Sorry, you didn't ask me whether I made it or not.
07:15Yeah, I know, but...
07:16You made a huge assumption that I made it.
07:19Picked it up on the way here.
07:22I've been knitting and bolting that thing together.
07:25For months.
07:27Right, well, does that change things?
07:28No!
07:31The thing I want, second least, is to have latex gloves rubbed over my face.
07:38Two points to fill.
07:39Next, I want to sit on a doughnut of cat hair.
07:43Three points.
07:44And then we're up to the big two.
07:45I want the raven most.
07:47Maisie, four points.
07:48Reece, five points.
07:49There we go.
07:50I want that raven.
07:53We're off to a trying start.
07:55Let's get going.
07:56What's the first task proper?
07:57You're going to love this one, Greg, because it involves your two favourite things.
08:01One, basic technology.
08:02Two.
08:03Two, me standing next to a table looking all mysterious and macho.
08:22Hello.
08:24Oh, no, sorry, the clock!
08:25What do I do?
08:28Hiya.
08:30What?
08:31What?
08:32What?
08:33Why are you timing it?
08:34What?
08:35Hello, hello.
08:39Hi.
08:40Hello.
08:42Oh, God.
08:44Speak!
08:46Hello.
08:47What?
08:48You all right?
08:49What's the task?
08:50Well, I can't see any kind of task written down here.
08:53Hmm.
08:54So I'm just going to hit you with this.
08:58Is a task anywhere?
08:59Do I have to find the task?
09:00No.
09:01Are we against the clock?
09:02Yes.
09:04What do you want me to do?
09:05Is there anything different about me, Reece?
09:06Well, you've got that on.
09:07Yeah.
09:08Yeah.
09:09Do you know what it is?
09:10Yes, it's one of those things where you pay at restaurants.
09:17I don't know what you call those things.
09:18Yes, it's a QR code.
09:19QR code, that's it, yeah.
09:21Do I have to have a phone to scan it?
09:23Mm-hm.
09:24Unless you can do them with your eyes.
09:25I can't do them with my eyes yet.
09:27Do I need my phone?
09:28Yes.
09:31Can I not use this to scan your QR code?
09:33Have you not got one of these?
09:34No, back in my room.
09:35Well, go and get it, then.
09:36Oh, Alex!
09:38I have a phone in another room.
09:39Ah.
09:40Should I get it?
09:41You might need it.
09:42OK.
09:44I've got to look for it in this room.
09:45Your telephone.
09:46My telephone?
09:47Your telephone.
09:48Why do you keep saying toilet telephone?
09:50My telephone.
09:51Do you have a telephone?
09:52No, not on me.
09:53Right.
09:54Do you want me to go and get one?
09:55Where is it?
09:56My telephone.
09:57Your telephone.
09:58My telephone.
09:59Yeah, your telephone.
10:01Well, what do you mean?
10:03I don't have one around me.
10:04I mean, I've got my mobile phone.
10:05Oh.
10:06Private to me.
10:07You want me to bring it into this room?
10:08Well, you need to scan that somehow.
10:09Well, other than I have to go and get it, don't I?
10:11I suppose so.
10:12Sorry to argue.
10:16Share your phone!
10:18What?
10:22Clever boy.
10:23Right.
10:24I mean, it's fascinating because there's such a range of ages amongst the five of you.
10:34But my initial impression is that was like watching footage of the distressed residents in a care house.
10:44The age range is extraordinary, this series.
10:45For the first time it's 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and up we go.
10:48It is.
10:51I think if the staff were looking after these pensioners, Rhys would be the one that they dread looking after.
10:58The most.
10:59The most.
11:00You can almost hear the staff going, will you go and deal with this?
11:04He's really on one today.
11:06But when do we get our medication?
11:08You know there's going to be dispatches about this and you will all be revealed, your cruelty will be revealed.
11:16I was left on the stairs last night.
11:18Yes.
11:19Yes.
11:24Let's crack on.
11:25OK.
11:26It's QR versus AR.
11:27Anya and Rhys.
11:29Why don't you just sit?
11:34Oh, buff.
11:43Come here.
11:44No.
11:49Come here.
11:50I need to scan your test.
11:52I don't feel good about this.
12:07Right.
12:08I'm there.
12:09No, no.
12:10I've got my passcode.
12:11Keep still.
12:12I don't want to keep still.
12:13I need to go that way.
12:14You can't.
12:17I still have a dice game open on my phone.
12:22Keep still.
12:23I don't want to keep still.
12:24You've got to.
12:25I don't want to.
12:26Oh, he's back.
12:28Come here.
12:29I don't want to.
12:32Keep still.
12:33I don't want to.
12:34For God's sake.
12:35Oh, I nearly got it.
12:37I think.
12:38OK.
12:39Oh, fuck.
12:40Oh.
12:48Oh, fuck.
12:50Honk the horn.
12:51Fastest grins.
12:52Your time started when you said your first word.
13:00I've got the clock.
13:02I feel so alive. Oh, can we go again? I can't
13:15You look like you are genuinely enjoying running around you don't get to chase someone very often and you're in your life
13:20And you were really enjoying being chased. Of course I was yeah, it's the build-up
13:27It's actually quite slippy so I couldn't go at top speed
13:29And if I had my time again, I would go at top speed. I'm sorry. You never got to go at top speed
13:37Did you enjoy that race?
13:39Um, no, no, I found it frustrating because he wouldn't stop man. I guess that's the point. That's the point
13:46Greece you're twice as old as Anya and twice as slow it turns out
13:50Yeah, two minutes 29 Reese five minutes and five seconds. She wasn't even at top speed
13:56Imagine
13:58Okay, that's the first part through but as my doctor said in a recent health screening after a break
14:04I'm gonna need to get a glove and really get amongst it
14:16Welcome back to the second part of the show and the second part of the series
14:20The current task is to get the horn scan the horn then honk the horn now
14:24Let's see how the final three got on. It's Maisie and Phil who both understand the concept of fastest wins plus Sanjeev Bhaskar
14:32There you are you little bugger. Come here. Let me spank you. I've got a QR code. Oh, he's got a big one on the back. This is brilliant
14:48It's brilliant
14:50It's brilliant
15:14I know how to get it me likes music doesn't they?
15:20It's brilliant
15:26I've got it in the wrong bloody setting now
15:28Do you get it in the wrong setting? I'm phoning my mother
15:34I'm still on the wrong bloody setting
15:40Come on
15:42Don't be scared
15:44You like instruments don't you?
15:46Come on
15:48Alex
15:50Alex
15:52Fucking hell
15:54I think he's on a loop
15:56He needs to block his path
15:58I can hit you with
16:06Right
16:08Where's your telephone? It's in my pocket
16:10Right how are you going to
16:12What?
16:14Oh
16:16Oh bastard
16:18I just
16:20I'm deep
16:22Now
16:24Say hello to the ostrich
16:26I don't want to
16:28Oh
16:30I think I've just beheaded a gargoyle
16:32I'm really sorry
16:34I've got him
16:36I've got him
16:38I've got him
16:40Oh shit I'm on airplane mode
16:42Do you have to use QR codes?
16:44It's just giving me a little yellow light on it
16:46Which is not the thing
16:48No it is a thing
16:50Oh is it?
16:52Yeah
16:54Stay still
16:56Stay
16:58I'm really strong Alex
17:00Honk the horn fast as wings
17:02I've honked the horn
17:04Honk the horn fast as wings
17:06Oh you fast
17:07I've honked the horn
17:08Honk the horn
17:14Yeah I've done that at the bloody beginning
17:16You know stop the clock
17:24So what I wrote down for you during that is
17:28Good to see someone who knows he can't win this having fun
17:32Yeah
17:34Yeah I mean it's so early on isn't it
17:36And yet it's so obvious
17:38Some of the time of your life weren't you
17:40Come here you little bugger I'm going to spank you
17:42I didn't hear that but
17:44Okay
17:46You said that
17:48That wasn't me saying that to you
17:50And it wasn't destructive
17:52There wasn't £40 worth of damage
17:56That gargoyle
17:58Yes that gargoyle
18:00Alright okay sorry
18:02Thank you
18:04What I will say is
18:06I'd forgotten I'd worn such big pants
18:10There's nothing wrong with a big pant my friend
18:12My leggings they didn't come in my length
18:14So they only reached
18:16Round my bum
18:18Are you saying your trousers were riding down
18:20I didn't notice did you notice
18:22Of course I noticed
18:24I still enjoyed watching you running around
18:26Breathlessly with you
18:28I was not breathless thank you
18:30I was firing top speed
18:32But with saggy pants so
18:34Sanjeev
18:36I wasn't holding back
18:38I wasn't holding back
18:40Have you genuinely in real life had a phone for long?
18:44A phone?
18:46A phone yeah
18:48A telephone
18:50Yes I think you know in that moment
18:52I didn't know whether you wanted me to
18:54To know how to use your own phone
18:56Yes
18:58I have people who do that for me
19:00The nurses
19:02Shall I tell you some times?
19:08Tell me some times
19:10I can't imagine any of them are good
19:12Phil did find a horn and lure me out with another horn
19:16Wow
19:18At 1 minute 37 that was his first honk of another horn
19:20We didn't say which horn he had to honk
19:22So Phil 1.37
19:24Suddenly he's overtaken Anya
19:26Who's lagging at 2 minutes 29 so slow
19:28Reece 5 minutes 5
19:30Maisie quicker 4 minutes 22
19:32More than twice as long as everyone else
19:34Sanjeev 10 minutes 16
19:36Yes
19:40However
19:42There's also one extra video to watch
19:44Oh
19:46Hiya
19:47What?
19:48What?
19:49What?
19:50Why are you timing it?
19:51What?
19:52What's amazing is we literally didn't need to show any of that footage of your trousers falling down
20:10OK
20:12It is one point Sanjeev
20:13Two to Reith
20:14Three to Anya
20:15Four to Phil
20:16And five to Maisie Adams
20:17CHEERING
20:18Shall we see our first scoreboard?
20:21Can I tell him a lot?
20:22Of course
20:23At one end consistency himself
20:24Sanjeev's got two points
20:25At the other Maisie's got nine points
20:27CHEERING
20:29Right
20:31Well it's time to task with a target
20:35We've found a big space
20:36We've got some big balls
20:37We're going to have some big fun
20:39Do you know what I'm doing?
20:58Max Schreck as Nosferatu
21:00I thought you look like a penguin
21:02I thought you look like a penguin
21:041921 classic
21:06Looks like a penguin
21:07LAUGHTER
21:10You're quite far away
21:11So are you
21:12LAUGHTER
21:16Roll an object onto the target
21:19You must release your object from behind this line
21:23You may not move the line or target
21:26And you may not affect your object after release
21:30You must use the first type of object you touch
21:33And can have three attempts with that type of object
21:36And must not go within Greg's height of the target
21:44What?
21:46Closest to the centre of the target wins
21:49You have 15 minutes
21:51Your time starts now
21:53What?
21:54How do I know how tall Greg is?
21:56Lying down
21:57Or standing up
21:58Or
21:59Ah
22:07And is there a game of curling?
22:09Ah, well, we invented it, but yeah
22:10Yeah, yeah, yeah
22:11Right, well, let's crack on
22:12OK, well, it's a tricky task
22:13But there's 15 minutes
22:15So plenty of time to plan, etc
22:17Or I guess you could just get it done and go home
22:19It's Maisie
22:20And yes, it's Sanjeef
22:21LAUGHTER
22:23So...
22:24The first type of object you touch
22:27SIGH
22:31We're quite heavy
22:35I think that means you're touching it, Sanjeef
22:37Well, no, I didn't touch that
22:38I think you touched the tyre
22:40Fine
22:45Oh!
22:46Very ice
22:47SIGH
22:50SIGH
22:51SIGH
22:52SIGH
22:53SIGH
22:54I...
22:55Ice
22:56We're going to go ice
22:57SIGH
22:58SIGH
22:59SIGH
23:00SIGH
23:01SIGH
23:02SIGH
23:03SIGH
23:04SIGH
23:05SIGH
23:06SIGH
23:07SIGH
23:08SIGH
23:09Good for length?
23:10Uh, yeah
23:11The line was a bit off
23:12SIGH
23:13SIGH
23:14SIGH
23:15SIGH
23:16SIGH
23:17SIGH
23:18That hit a camera
23:19Yes!
23:20Brilliant
23:21Oooh!
23:23SIGH
23:24SIGH
23:26SIGH
23:27SIGH
23:37SIGH
23:39SIGH
23:40SIGH
23:41S이가
23:41SIGH
23:42POOL
23:43SIGH
23:44SIGH
23:45SIGH
23:46Slow! Slow!
23:50That's in another time zone, that one, innit?
23:52Right, you've got one more. What have you learned from the first two?
23:55Absolutely nothing. Great. Couldn't have come.
24:00Now, then.
24:04Oh, charming.
24:06Shut the door!
24:08Great, that's near Windsor.
24:10Stop! Stop! Stop!
24:19Are you going to, like, doc, like, you know, take a picture,
24:24just cos they're going to melt in a minute?
24:26Yeah, we're filming a lot of this.
24:28LAUGHTER
24:38I mean, basically, that final shot,
24:41there was no sign that you'd ever been part of this.
24:44It's like a metaphor for the futility of life.
24:47The thing is that I get the rules which, you know,
24:50the first thing you touch, but I was just moving it up a bit.
24:53I wasn't kind of, like, choosing it.
24:55Or, as some would say, touching.
24:57Some may interpret it that way.
25:00Maisie, I think this is the most sense we've seen you make.
25:03I had a method.
25:04I was like, let's see what weighs more, cos weight...
25:07Yeah.
25:08..weight is to do with distance and something.
25:10Yeah, of course.
25:11It's science.
25:12Famously, weight's to do with distance.
25:14Yeah.
25:15Right, we're at the halfway point now,
25:17and as my doctor said in a recent check-up,
25:19let's just stop for a little breather.
25:21I wasn't expecting it to be such a mess down there.
25:24LAUGHTER
25:25APPLAUSE
25:32Hello!
25:33Thank you and welcome back.
25:35It's the start of part three,
25:37and our new competitors are trying to stop their objects
25:40as close as possible to the middle of the target.
25:43Three people left to go.
25:45Are they actually good at sport despite their appearances?
25:47It's Anya, Rhys and Phil!
25:49LAUGHTER
25:51I'm going to try to make it easy by going dead centre,
25:55big ball first.
25:56I'm going to use these little balls to make a thoroughfare.
26:00Ooh!
26:06First time I've felt like I've got a good idea.
26:09Right, you have to use that now.
26:11What?
26:12Can you touch that first?
26:13So that's going to be the object you throw.
26:19You're going exercise ball.
26:22I'm thinking if I set up a buffer zone behind it.
26:25Nice.
26:26It's really stinky.
26:31We didn't know they were there.
26:32OK.
26:36Far too much power.
26:42OK, good to know.
26:45Do me a favour and put your foot on there for me, please, Alex.
26:49It's time for a few more bins.
27:04Ha, ha, ha!
27:05This is exciting.
27:09OK, ready!
27:11OK, it's all about what I pick now.
27:14I'm going to do this one.
27:15Yes, you are.
27:20It's no good.
27:25That was, er...
27:29...dispointing.
27:30Let's go.
27:42A bit of shit, wasn't it?
27:44The principal worked.
27:45It worked.
27:49Oh!
27:50The mayor was redoing that!
27:56Oh, for fuc...
27:57I'm not actually joking, mate!
27:59LAUGHTER
28:12Good luck. Thank you.
28:21Is it going to bounce back? It's not, is it?
28:23Do you know what happened? The sellotape stopped it.
28:2625 seconds. This is your last go.
28:52Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
28:56Oh, it's on the target.
29:03Who would have thought it would be that simple?
29:05LAUGHTER
29:07Nice.
29:09That was crazy.
29:11APPLAUSE
29:14Rhys, what was that device you created? What was it meant to do?
29:17No, initially, I thought I could slow the ball down with the sellotape.
29:21Like, when you see it in America, where they pull spikes across
29:24and the cars get their things punctured.
29:27LAUGHTER
29:28It all fell down when I accidentally touched the wrong thing for...
29:31He's quite calm and softly spoken in the studio, isn't he?
29:35Mm.
29:36Mm.
29:37But when he got across with his catapult, you went,
29:39more northern than you've been for the whole show.
29:41And that was me doing that!
29:43LAUGHTER
29:45LAUGHTER
29:46A real latent rage.
29:48I thought Phil's worked amazingly well.
29:51And I think Anya's would have worked as well if she was capable
29:54of rolling a ball in the correct direction.
29:57LAUGHTER
29:58I mean, incredibly, she is worse than Sanjeev, no offence.
30:01LAUGHTER
30:03I feel like you're ganging up on me.
30:05LAUGHTER
30:06Yeah.
30:07Yeah, you are.
30:08LAUGHTER
30:09Well, I can show you where all their objects ended up.
30:12In fifth place, Anya's was the furthest away, 22 badges.
30:15Fourth, Sanjeev, ten badges.
30:17We're doing them badges.
30:18Rhys, seven badges.
30:19Phil, two and a half badges.
30:20But the winner with five points, one and a half badges,
30:23Maisie Adam!
30:24LAUGHTER
30:25APPLAUSE
30:28Let's have another class, please.
30:30Right, you are.
30:31And just like our infamous camping trip together,
30:33this one involves being disgusting in a caravan.
30:36LAUGHTER
30:55Hello?
30:56Hello.
30:57Hi.
30:58Oh, hi, Rhys.
30:59Hi, Alex.
31:01Welcome to the caravan.
31:02Thank you for having me in the caravan.
31:04Cowavan.
31:05The cowavan?
31:06Oh, yeah, it's caravan.
31:07You've been having a lovely time.
31:08You have?
31:09Hmm?
31:10Oh, good.
31:11You?
31:12Er...
31:13It's all right.
31:14I mean, you know, what do you compare it with?
31:16You compare it with kind of the worst times in your life
31:18and you go, I'm having a great time.
31:20Yeah.
31:21And then you compare it with some of the best times in your life
31:22and you go, this is shit.
31:23Yeah.
31:24So, it's...
31:25So, yeah, it's okay.
31:26Yeah.
31:28Do you mind me saying you suit the caravan?
31:33I actually do know what you mean.
31:34I was going to be insulted but then I was like,
31:36he's completely right.
31:37Do something behind this curtain that sounds disgusting
31:43but is actually really nice.
31:46Highest.
31:48D by N wins.
31:51Where D is your disgustingness score out of ten
31:54and N is your niceness score out of ten.
31:58So, the swing-o-meter of how horrible it sounds
32:02compared to the reality of how nice it is,
32:04there are more points involved in such a situation.
32:07Is that correct?
32:08That's very well put.
32:11You have 15 minutes.
32:12Your time starts now.
32:13OK.
32:14So, it's behind this.
32:15Yeah.
32:17If you don't mind.
32:18All right, a little privacy.
32:20I'll be waiting.
32:22You're not coming with me to look at it?
32:23Do you want me to?
32:24No.
32:25No.
32:32You really do suit that caravan.
32:36Well, I don't...
32:37This is the thing.
32:38Do you like camping or not?
32:39No.
32:40You don't?
32:41No.
32:42Why are you getting so angry about this?
32:44Because the way Alex said it was quite like,
32:46I'm going to try and get in your head.
32:48No.
32:49And live in there as a worm.
32:51Yeah.
32:52Just eating away at your brain.
32:54Yeah, it really felt.
32:55So, in the end, you can't even roll a ball in a straight line.
33:00Ready to start?
33:01God, yes.
33:02Yuck!
33:03Urgh!
33:04And vomit.
33:05It's Anya, Maisie and Phil.
33:07OK, I'm starting my attempt.
33:08Are you having a nice time?
33:19Yeah.
33:20I'm going to reveal you.
33:35It's really tasty.
33:36I'm going to cover you up again.
33:37Are you sure you don't want to suck a bit off?
33:40OK.
33:43I was just looking through in the kitchen there.
33:45Yeah.
33:46Looking for all sorts of various things that I might be able to use.
33:49And then...
33:50Urgh!
33:51Urgh!
33:52Urgh!
33:53Urgh!
33:54Urgh!
33:55Please stop!
33:56Whatever, please!
33:57Urgh!
33:58Urgh!
33:59Urgh!
34:00Oh, right.
34:01Urgh!
34:02Urgh!
34:03Urgh!
34:04Urgh!
34:05Yeah.
34:06I'm going to open the curtain.
34:07Urgh!
34:08Urgh!
34:09Urgh!
34:10Don't come in!
34:11Save yourself!
34:12Just making you a nice, er...
34:14fruit smoothie, Alex.
34:19You're doing it quite violently.
34:20Yeah.
34:21I would like a little bit of a drink to see if it's nice.
34:24Oh!
34:25I'm so sorry.
34:27Well, thank you.
34:31Oh!
34:32Nice.
34:33Very nice.
34:34There you go.
34:35OK.
34:42Are you all right to keep doing it for a bit?
34:44I think my calf muscles left.
34:46Your calf muscles?
34:47I need to know what it is that you're doing.
34:51I'm going to have a look.
34:53Here I come.
35:02What are you doing?
35:03What does it look like I'm doing?
35:04I've been rubbing my feet in gravy in a mixture of chocolate sauce
35:09and crumbled up non-product specific biscuits.
35:12I'm having a bloody great time.
35:14Nice.
35:15Bloody lovely.
35:16Right.
35:26Right.
35:27Caravan girl.
35:29When the curtain went back, I mean, you were eating yoghurt with your fingers.
35:33It wasn't...
35:34No, it wasn't yoghurt.
35:35Oh, was it?
35:36It was whipped cream and sugar.
35:37But it was really tasty and I ate it for quite a long time.
35:41This is where it's tricky, you see, because if it was nice for you,
35:43I'll have to take your word for it.
35:45It wasn't nice watching you eat that with your fingers.
35:47Alex told me that you would be really jealous of it.
35:50Oh.
35:51Oh, did he?
35:54Phil's just tricky, because what I'm learning about Phil is,
35:57he's so upbeat about everything, he's sort of said anything
35:59as being nice, really.
36:00I think he genuinely was having a wonderful time.
36:02I was...
36:03Yeah, I mean, I would have been doing that if I wasn't on the show anyway.
36:08Was it warm gravy?
36:10No, that's where we fell a bit short.
36:12It was...
36:13I could feel the granules between my toes.
36:15Oh.
36:17Your noise, matey.
36:18Where it got sinister and I wrote it down,
36:20was when you shouted,
36:21please stop.
36:24I think I'm now realising that the two things had to be the same.
36:28I just pretended to be attacked and then made a cocktail.
36:30And then made a cocktail.
36:31Very much said about activities.
36:35OK, let's stop once again.
36:37As my doctor said to me at a recent check-up,
36:39just one final push left.
36:41Relax.
36:42Loosen up a bit.
36:43Hey, stop squirming.
36:44Nurse!
36:45Nurse!
36:46Help me!
36:47He keeps biting!
36:48Oh!
36:58Welcome back to the final part of the show,
37:00where the cast are tricking us into thinking they're being disgusting.
37:04The final attempts come from two neighbours over there.
37:06It's Sanjeev from number 42 and Rhys from number 9.
37:09Are you OK in there, Rhys?
37:12Yeah.
37:23Hello, Sanjeev.
37:32Right, Sanjeev.
37:33Yep.
37:34I'm going to have a look at you.
37:35OK.
37:36I want to check you're OK.
37:37OK.
37:39I'm going to come and have a look.
37:41OK.
37:42Be prepared.
37:43It's not disgusting.
37:56Do a little baby in there?
37:57Yes.
37:58Multi-coloured sausage mobile.
38:00With disco ball.
38:01Uh-huh.
38:02Kids love that.
38:03So you're babysitting?
38:04I am babysitting.
38:05Yeah.
38:06What I'm doing is sending the duck to a happy sleep.
38:11And he's dreaming the word thank you.
38:14He liked it, did he?
38:15I think so.
38:16Well, look at the thoughts.
38:17Oh.
38:18But if you want to close that now so that I can get him actually to full sleep.
38:21Sure.
38:22Full sleep, deep sleep.
38:23Sorry to disturb you.
38:24That's all right.
38:25I'd like to see the baby.
38:26Do you want to...
38:27OK.
38:28Oh.
38:29Yeah.
38:30Beautiful baby.
38:32Ruth, I'm no expert in how one soothes the duck.
38:37Huh!
38:38Huh!
38:39Well...
38:40I hit upon the idea that the duck would enjoy the sound of something that was similar to
38:47a duck quacking.
38:48But it...
38:49Oh.
38:50So that was what I was trying to do.
38:51I thought it sounded a bit like a duck whistle which famously draw the ducks out to be shot.
39:06Yes.
39:07Yeah.
39:08Well, it was a bit of both I think.
39:10Sounding bad and then it being revealed to be quite a charming thing.
39:13Now, do you think that the sort of nice element of Sanjeev's attempt was somewhat compromised
39:20by it being revealed that the baby was in fact a beheaded old woman?
39:25All babies are beautiful.
39:28Yes.
39:29Yes.
39:30They are.
39:31Even those who are old without a body.
39:33Well, they have old faces and no body but they change.
39:38They grow.
39:39They grow a body.
39:40They...
39:41You don't have to.
39:42Well, you don't have to.
39:43I don't have to.
39:44I did see my nieces when they were babies and they definitely didn't just look like a
39:48head.
39:51It's a really tough one to score, this.
39:53Well, there's a bit of maths.
39:54I guess you can tell me how disgusting you found them all and then how nice you found
39:57them all.
39:58Yeah, OK.
39:59So, Ania...
40:00What's her disgustingness score out of ten, Greg?
40:01Er, well, it sounded absolutely disgusting.
40:03Nine.
40:04Nine?
40:05Yeah.
40:06Terrific.
40:07And the niceness?
40:08I almost take her word for it, but I didn't enjoy watching it, so seven.
40:11Cool.
40:12Nine times seven.
40:13So, Ania at 63.
40:18Maisie.
40:19OK.
40:20The cocktail looked absolutely delicious.
40:22Oh, it was, yeah.
40:23It was lovely.
40:24It looked like you're having a lovely time.
40:25So that...
40:26It's a delicious nine.
40:28Yeah, but...
40:29No way does that cocktail involve those noises.
40:32A person being horribly attacked.
40:34Two.
40:35Two!
40:36Two times nine.
40:37Two.
40:38Right, so we've got high and low.
40:3963.
40:4018.
40:41Phil.
40:42Let's get all the way up the line, this will do it.
40:43Wow.
40:44The noises were awful.
40:45Horrible.
40:46Disgusting.
40:47Nine.
40:48When it was revealed, he was having the time of his life.
40:50Yep.
40:51And he's northern, so why not pump your feet in gravy?
40:54I'm not from the north, but I presume it's great.
40:56They squat and they, er...
40:58They squat?
40:59Yeah.
41:00I'm venturing by you saying they squat.
41:03I just think it's important for everybody.
41:05What do people from the north do?
41:06They squat and they lick.
41:08You know that.
41:10So it's nine times...
41:13Eight.
41:14Eight.
41:15Which is...
41:16I do know my eight times table.
41:21Nine times eight is 72.
41:23Yeah.
41:24Yeah, so me too.
41:25But you're doing that little smug thing like I don't know my times table.
41:28I'll fuck you up, mate.
41:29I'll fuck you up.
41:30I'll fuck you up.
41:31How about that?
41:32Do you understand those maths?
41:34Fucking great.
41:39Who's next?
41:40It's Rhys next.
41:41I could tell he was blowing a trumpet.
41:43It didn't sound that disgusting.
41:44Seven.
41:45Seven for...
41:46The reveal.
41:47I don't know ducks, but there was a bubble coming out of his head.
41:49Eight.
41:50We know eight times seven, don't we?
41:51We all know eight times seven.
41:52We all know eight times seven!
41:58Don't we?
41:59Yeah.
42:00What is it?
42:01It's loads.
42:04Phil, what's eight times seven?
42:05Well, I mean, but what is a number?
42:06You know, like...
42:09Good?
42:11OK, so we've got Sanjeev.
42:12Yeah.
42:13Well, it sounded absolutely disgusting.
42:15Great.
42:16Like a nine.
42:17Nine, disgusting.
42:18Niceness?
42:19Erm, I don't know why I'm charmed by it.
42:20Nine.
42:21Whoa!
42:2281 for Sanjeev!
42:23There we go.
42:24Good.
42:26APPLAUSE
42:27OK.
42:28Mate, you've got 18 for your score, so that's one point.
42:33In fourth place, it's Rhys with 56 as your score, so that's two points.
42:37Anya, you're in third place.
42:39You've scored 63.
42:40Three points.
42:41Phil, 72.
42:42Four points for Sanjeev.
42:43Gets a full five points with 81.
42:45Well done, Sanjeev.
42:46APPLAUSE
42:47All right, everybody.
42:48Will you make your way to the stage for this series first?
42:52Final task of the show!
42:53APPLAUSE
42:54Hello, young fella, my lad.
42:55Hi, Greg.
42:56Who will be reading the task out?
42:57Uh, Sanjeev will, please.
42:58Oh.
42:59End up on your spot.
43:03You must obey the taskmaster's instructions.
43:05Closest person to their spot at the end of the task wins.
43:06So it's quite a simple task.
43:07They're all standing on spots.
43:09At the end of the task, you must be of course not just to go to the task.
43:12And they're all standing on spots.
43:13At the end of the task, you need to be as close to the task.
43:16obey the taskmaster's instructions.
43:18Closest person to their spot at the end of the task wins.
43:22So, it's quite a simple task.
43:24They're all standing on spots.
43:25At the end of the task, you need to be as close to your spot as possible.
43:29I have the health and safety whistle.
43:31If there's danger, I'll blow it. Please stop.
43:35First instruction, please.
43:37Completely cover your eyes.
43:41Using one of these.
43:42Pop these on. Nice and tight, please, guys.
43:46Nice and tight.
43:50Are they complete? Are they...
43:52What's happened?
43:54I don't need to worry about one of Sanjeev's eyes fell off.
43:57OK. March on the spot until the end of the task.
44:01So, that means whatever happens, you must keep marching.
44:06Spin 360 degrees.
44:09Oh.
44:11Continue to march on the spot, but with higher knees.
44:23Just, er...
44:25Just, er...
44:26Just be careful.
44:27Just be careful.
44:28Just be careful.
44:29Take two big steps backwards.
44:34Backwards.
44:39That's plenty, Sanjeev.
44:40That's plenty, Sanjeev.
44:41Funny.
44:42Lovely.
44:43Next instruction, please.
44:44Take two nice big steps to the left.
44:48Oh, Macy.
44:49You're fine.
44:50You're fine.
44:51You're fine.
44:52You're fine.
44:53Take two nice big steps forward.
45:05Forward.
45:06Forward.
45:07Forward.
45:08Forward.
45:09Forward.
45:10That's why you're right on the edge.
45:11You're right on the edge.
45:12You're right on the edge.
45:13Take two nice wide steps to the right.
45:21Go back.
45:22Up back.
45:23Up back.
45:24That's it.
45:25Where's the edge?
45:26Nothing.
45:27Don't worry.
45:28Don't worry.
45:29Keep marching.
45:30Jump.
45:31Quite high.
45:32Twice.
45:33March on the spot flamboyantly.
45:37Stop.
45:38Please freeze in those positions.
45:51Was it all a dream?
45:53How could I end up facing that way?
45:56We'll score those and we'll add it to your final scores.
45:58Come down here and join me.
45:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:01Wow, wow, wow.
46:02Genuinely dangerous.
46:03Yes.
46:04They should have been wearing protective clothing.
46:05They should.
46:06Or we should have put a mat down.
46:07Or we should have thought it through more.
46:08Still.
46:09Yeah.
46:10The thing was, they were meant to stay on their spot.
46:12They didn't really do that.
46:13Reece, you were the furthest.
46:14You get one point at the end of that.
46:15Phil, two points.
46:16Sanjeev, you came third.
46:17Three points.
46:18Second place.
46:19Maisie, four points.
46:20And you were the closest at the end.
46:21You get the full five points.
46:22Well done.
46:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:25And so, it's a tighter first episode than some of us were expecting at the beginning.
46:26At the bottom, it's Sanjeev with 12 points, but our first winner with 19 points, it's Maisie Adam!
46:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:32Maisie Adam wins!
46:33Please go and celebrate with some soft things I would benefit from having, but I'm not getting!
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:38AND APPLAUSE
46:40And so, it's a tighter first episode than some of us were expecting at the beginning.
46:44At the bottom, it's Sanjeev with 12 points, but our first winner with 19 points, it's Maisie Adam!
46:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:51Maisie Adam wins!
46:53Please go and celebrate with some soft things I would benefit from having, but I'm not getting!
46:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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