- 6 weeks ago
Dave & Chuck the Freak talk about an email from a listener asking he found a Rub & Tug massage parlor. Then, we talk about getting butt massages, and more.
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00:00Here, Dave!
00:01Wow, a stocking full of five-hour energy shots?
00:04Yeah, it's actually got all the holiday flavors inside of it,
00:06and you know, I stayed up all night wrapping that,
00:09so could you...
00:10Sure.
00:11Oh, no, no, I said all night.
00:14Oh, for God's sakes.
00:25We get emails literally every other day
00:28from people like,
00:28is this a rub and tug?
00:29Is this a rub and tug?
00:30Yes.
00:31This one, though, I think is hilarious.
00:34It's because of the sign
00:35it has this listener convinced this is a rub and tug
00:40because they only replaced three letters in the sign.
00:44Okay.
00:45In the massage sign.
00:48Okay.
00:48They only replaced the ASS.
00:54And he thinks because they're highlighting ass...
00:57It's ass massage.
00:58...in massage that they have to be a rub and tug.
01:01Oh, yeah.
01:01Oh, it is.
01:02Of course.
01:03A hundred percent.
01:03All the rest are old and dingy,
01:05but ASS is bright, shiny, and new.
01:09Yep.
01:09It makes me look at that and read it.
01:12Ass.
01:12That's the first thing you see.
01:13And then I'm like,
01:14what is the word it's attached to?
01:16Massage.
01:16Ass massage.
01:19Oh, my God.
01:19That's what everyone needs.
01:21Can you just book an ass massage?
01:22A legitimate one?
01:23No.
01:23Sign me up.
01:24No.
01:24Probably glute, right?
01:25Glute.
01:25No.
01:26They don't have special glute massages, Dave.
01:28Don't go around asking that, okay?
01:30I am looking for just a glute.
01:32Just a glute.
01:33Hold on.
01:34You pervert of the day, Dave Hunter,
01:37going around calling.
01:39You shouldn't have done that.
01:43Oh, that's right.
01:44I'll massage your ass.
01:45Look who's gyrating over there.
01:47Oh, my God.
01:47He has sex.
01:48You say you'll massage my ass, you pervert.
01:49He will.
01:50I will.
01:51He's in that kind of mood.
01:52I got all sorts of oils in here.
01:54Coconut just for you, Mr. Hunter.
01:56Okay, all right.
01:57Calm it down there.
01:58Yep.
01:59Yeah, this tune gets him going.
02:01With a horny little Jew.
02:04Happy Hanukkah.
02:05Yeah.
02:06And to you.
02:06In a while.
02:07Well, it's coming up.
02:08Yeah.
02:09Every day's Hanukkah.
02:10Jason's ass massage.
02:11Oh, my goodness.
02:12I feel like you could.
02:14Some people have glute problems.
02:15No, but they'll dress your glutes
02:18in the massage.
02:18You don't go and ask for a special
02:20glute massage.
02:20That's what I was going to say.
02:21I'm just doing glute massage near me.
02:23Right, but I've always felt like a perv
02:25even when I say that.
02:26Look.
02:27Butt massage.
02:28Okay, that's got to be
02:29a really terrible person
02:31that is doing things.
02:33Right?
02:34It's a local place called
02:36Butt Massage.
02:37No.
02:38I think it's different.
02:41I think it's called something different.
02:42And the first word is Thai.
02:44You see, the way Google works.
02:49I'm going to kill him.
02:50Take search terms.
02:51I'm going to kill him.
02:52Yeah, yeah.
02:53Explain it.
02:54SEO.
02:54Okay.
02:55Turn him off.
02:55This is why he's here.
02:57Turn him off.
02:57He knows all the ins and outs.
02:58Why can't there be a court outage?
03:01All the way in court outage.
03:02Oh, no.
03:03We may not hear from courts again.
03:04Oh, my God.
03:06Oh, man.
03:06I wish so, too.
03:07Oh, I know.
03:08I was just dreaming about it myself.
03:10So, apparently, I didn't chuck the freaker down.
03:14Can I just book a butt massage?
03:17No, you can't.
03:18And I think, Jason, you were about to say
03:20that even if you went to a legitimate place,
03:23you feel like a perv just saying,
03:24hey, listen, I know this seems nuts,
03:26but I pulled both of my butt muscles
03:28and I could really use some extra work on them.
03:31I think you can say that.
03:33Yeah, you can.
03:33But my hips are always what I want.
03:36And then you say, you know,
03:38it's like this area, right?
03:39Like, one time I was like, it's my quad,
03:42my upper quad and stuff.
03:44Yeah, all the muscles around it.
03:45And then they weren't getting it.
03:46And it's like, do I say,
03:48you got to go higher up on my quad, please?
03:50Your pariformis muscle, is that what you have to say?
03:53Huh?
03:53I don't know.
03:54Pariformis?
03:54Lisa just heard of a muscle term
03:56I've never heard in my life.
03:57Me neither.
03:58My pariformis.
03:59Yeah, that's the one you got to ask about.
04:02I just feel like a perv.
04:03I'm like, no, deeper in the hip, please.
04:05I rubbed my pariformis all night last night.
04:08Jesus, God.
04:08I am loose as a goose down there.
04:11My problem is always my right lower back.
04:13So that's always, it's right above my ass.
04:15But that's always where I have to get extra attention.
04:18Well, the sciatica of what will go up in there.
04:20So, yeah.
04:21Yeah.
04:22So you had an ass massage.
04:24No, they don't ever get to the butt.
04:26You could just roll it on a ball.
04:27Even that chick that beat the hell out of you,
04:28she didn't, like, beat your ass?
04:30No, I mean, in the region, I guess.
04:33In the area.
04:34But she didn't give you a full-on ass massage.
04:35Huh.
04:36Roll your butt on a ball.
04:37I'll tell you.
04:38I have a ball.
04:39I have a bar.
04:40I got all this stuff.
04:42I'm rubbing my butt.
04:43There's no lady out there that should ever go wanting for an ass massage.
04:48I mean, just ask your guy.
04:50Oh, a guy would gladly do it.
04:51We will rub your butt.
04:53I mean, I don't know how long I'd rub a butt for.
04:56Forever.
04:57I might set a record.
04:58As long as they need.
04:59Exactly.
05:00Even past.
05:01They would be like, and I'm good.
05:03And I'm, no, I can still feel some knots.
05:05They find me dead.
05:06They didn't drink water for three weeks.
05:08Just been rubbing ass.
05:10Even dead.
05:11Your thumbs are still kind of moving.
05:14His thumbs are still moving.
05:16He's alive.
05:17No, he's dead.
05:18Oh, look.
05:18So, is that what it is?
05:20Pariformis?
05:21Yeah.
05:21Pariformis.
05:22Right there.
05:24Yes.
05:25You can get a syndrome down there.
05:27Mobile massage.
05:28Oh, no.
05:28That's saying, like, mobile massage for the ass.
05:31That'll come to you and massage your ass.
05:33I don't trust that.
05:34That's Jeff the Freak's mobile massage.
05:36Oh, let me show up and rub your pariformis today.
05:41Are they in town?
05:43What?
05:44Are they in town?
05:44Yeah, I drive to you.
05:46The link won't.
05:47Is Google down now, too?
05:48What's happening?
05:49Google is down.
05:50My nest is down.
05:52No, it's not.
05:54It's not working.
05:55Is our whole internet down?
05:57I don't know.
05:58Oh, that'll be, like, Dave and Chuck will really actually be down.
06:01We will be down the entire show.
06:02We will have to go.
06:04The place Dave's talking about is in Vegas.
06:06This place?
06:07Yeah.
06:08Oh, yeah.
06:08That's nice.
06:09They're allowed to, see?
06:11You can be a mobile ass massage place in Vegas.
06:16Oh, yeah.
06:17Look at that guy.
06:17Look at me.
06:19I'm going to loosen you up.
06:23Pariformis muscle.
06:24Just ask for that to be massaged.
06:25Okay.
06:26Okay.
06:27It won't sound so weird.
06:28Okay.
06:29They'll know.
06:29Can I?
06:30My upper quad.
06:31I don't know.
06:31Are you talking about, is the pariformis on the front or on the back?
06:35On the back.
06:36You can look it up what it looks like.
06:37Yeah, I need to know where this muscle is.
06:39Where it is so you'll know.
06:40It's exactly the spot.
06:41It's what you need.
06:42It's exactly the spot.
06:44You're talking pariformis, baby.
06:49I got my pariformis.
06:51Let me rub it.
06:53I want to rub your pariformis.
06:56There you go to the left.
06:56Whoa.
06:57There it is.
06:58Right there.
06:58That's it.
06:59I need my pariformis rugs.
07:02Wow.
07:02That pariformis is right next to my balls, though.
07:06That's in the back.
07:06That's from the back.
07:07It's all right.
07:08It's in the back.
07:09It's in the back.
07:10Your balls are big if they're in the back now.
07:11What are you talking while you're getting a massage?
07:15My balls.
07:15Don't tuck.
07:16Well, I mean.
07:17Stretch it, too.
07:18Stretch that muscle.
07:19No, my balls.
07:20No issue.
07:21Like between the legs.
07:22It's right on the sciatic nerve there, huh?
07:24No wonder it causes a lot of.
07:26Is it the muscle that pinches it?
07:28Yeah.
07:29It can.
07:30Pariformis.
07:31Hey, I'm a little pariformis.
07:33Don't touch your ass while you're looking at us.
07:33Oh, you can feel it?
07:34You can feel it?
07:35Jesus.
07:35I'm doing a little self-massage on my pariformis.
07:38I got one of those big hooks.
07:40I got that.
07:40I was using it last night.
07:42I got all the gadgets.
07:42That hook is a game changer.
07:43What?
07:45What hook?
07:45You don't have like a shepherd's hook?
07:47No.
07:47To pull on like knots and stuff?
07:49Oh, man.
07:49Yeah.
07:50That thing is amazing.
07:50It's got like a hook and it's got like a little sharp thing on it and then it has little
07:56handles that you can hold on and use.
07:57This is Jason right here.
07:58Yeah, that's him.
07:59Ow.
08:01That guy looks like in pain.
08:02That lady to rub your pariformis.
08:04There's no.
08:06Pigeon pose helps with that.
08:07Yeah, pigeon.
08:08There's one that's sitting cross-legged and then you like try to crawl forward.
08:12I can't even.
08:13Oh, get out of town.
08:14Yeah.
08:14You crawl forward to the left.
08:16Crawl forward to the right.
08:17I tried to do frog pose the other day.
08:19Ooh.
08:20Ooh, that was painful.
08:20You tried to do frog pose?
08:21I'm surprised you made it in.
08:23What in the hell are you talking about?
08:24You're doing yoga?
08:25That's incredible.
08:26He's, of course he does yoga.
08:27That's a hard one.
08:28Why does he just not answer questions sometimes?
08:29I don't know.
08:29That's my question.
08:30It frustrates me.
08:31No, he lets it marinate.
08:34I like it.
08:34Are you doing yoga?
08:36Self-yoga.
08:37Self-yoga.
08:38Then just say yes.
08:39That means yes.
08:40I'm not going to yoga.
08:41He's not going to a class, but you're doing it at home.
08:44Yes.
08:45Frog pose is hard.
08:46Yeah.
08:47Feels good, though.
08:47I have a yoga mat that is still wrapped up.
08:50Sorry, I don't always hear all the questions.
08:52Oh, okay.
08:53When there's a lot of stimuli and sound.
08:57What?
08:58Yes.
08:59Touch of the tism.
09:00I just don't know what's going on.
09:02I think Jason's right.
09:04He's got a touch, you know?
09:05You got to look up frog pose, see what you can visualize.
09:09Listen, yoga to me, I can only visualize ladies doing.
09:14I don't want to see him doing that.
09:16Well, you'll see ladies doing that.
09:17Oh, my God.
09:18Of course he does this pose.
09:20That's the lick my ass pose.
09:21That's the frog.
09:22Who does that pose all the time?
09:23I've heard that.
09:24Of all the poses, that's the one you went to?
09:26Can you even imagine me in that pose?
09:28No, good God.
09:29It's where my pain is.
09:31Right.
09:31Sure it is.
09:32Right between your cheeks.
09:35Get out of town.
09:36And then you have to do little pulses.
09:38What kind of pulse?
09:39Dear God.
09:41What is the...
09:41Oh, get out of here.
09:44You get to step in.
09:46You should hear the noises that come out of me.
09:48Oh, my goodness.
09:48What end are they coming out of?
09:50Oh, my God.
09:51I don't know where one guy gets a full leotard like that to do half his poses, but my goodness.
09:58That, come on.
10:00That's a great man being big ass.
10:02That's what you have to do.
10:03That's a man that rides a wiener.
10:04If you go to yoga class, you have to do that pose.
10:07Yes, come on.
10:08Only men that ride wieners can make that pose.
10:11No, it's a very common goalie pose.
10:13Oh, is it?
10:14If you're a hockey goalie, oh, you got to get down in that.
10:16It's almost like a butterfly.
10:18Yeah, I can see that, I guess.
10:19This man's an ass goalie.
10:21Yeah, everybody scores on him.
10:26Yeah.
10:27Yikes.
10:27Five hole.
10:31Anyways, to the listener's email who wonders if this is just a scam to get people in the door
10:36by just changing three letters in massage, the ass.
10:39Yeah, I mean, it's not a scam.
10:41No.
10:41It is letting you know.
10:43You think it is?
10:44You really do think it is?
10:44Oh, I don't think there's any way you only change three letters.
10:48The only way it happened is some, you know, kids broke the ass part.
10:55Like threw rocks at it or something.
10:57Yeah, maybe.
10:58Because they thought it was funny.
10:59They thought it was funny.
11:01But I mean, it's clearly, it just makes your mind say ass massage.
11:06Yeah.
11:07I gotta write this piriformis down or whatever.
11:09Yeah, Chuck's going to get his first massage later.
11:12Well, when you think about it, you realize that actually that is a muscle that has probably
11:17caused a lot of people a lot of issues.
11:20Like it was the one I think that was screwing me up for a while.
11:24I thought it was in my back, but it was actually in my butt.
11:29I don't think this is a rub and tug.
11:30It's not giving rub and tug vibes in the reviews.
11:32I mean, the website doesn't look like it, but I don't know.
11:35A lot of people complaining about the quality of the massage.
11:40Yeah.
11:40Well, usually, isn't that like a dead giveaway too?
11:43Like when I really don't know what I'm doing, but like all I do is rub your ass for 20 minutes.
11:47But there's also a ton of women here that are giving reviews.
11:49Ah.
11:50You know?
11:51Okay.
11:51Yeah.
11:51That to me screams not a rub and tug.
11:53Yeah.
11:53I just feel like if you're a woman and you went into a rub and tug, they just try their
11:58best on you because they're like, we don't want this woman to call anybody or do anything.
12:04So they're trying.
12:05They're like trying stuff.
12:08What's wrong, Jason?
12:08I have unfinished business.
12:10Business.
12:11Business.
12:12I have unfinished business.
12:14What is it?
12:14My paraphormus, and I feel like I haven't got all the way through, so you need to excuse
12:19me while I finish my stretch.
12:21Okay.
12:22How about you do that on your own time?
12:23Oh, I thought you were rubbing your ass.
12:24I was.
12:25You were rubbing your ass stuff during the show?
12:27I was rubbing my paraphormus.
12:28Yeah.
12:28Yeah.
12:29And now I feel like I'm like, I haven't finished.
12:31Well, that's too bad.
12:32What kind of finish do you need?
12:33I need to finish.
12:35What do you mean?
12:35I need to rub to complete it.
12:37You can't rub and finish here.
12:38You have to rub it all the way.
12:40You cannot rub and finish here.
12:42Just wait.
12:43I can't.
12:44What are you talking about?
12:45Listen.
12:45I always ask what he's talking about.
12:47What do you?
12:49It's very confusing.
12:50He partially massaged his ass.
12:51I know.
12:51He's mad at court for not answering him, and yet he is completely vague with his finish.
12:58This is his touch of the tism.
13:00He can't go on until he finishes.
13:02Yeah, that's for sure.
13:03I have tism.
13:04There's no doubt.
13:05Oh, my God.
13:06Everybody has tism.
13:08You started rubbing, and now you have to rub the whole area?
13:13Yeah.
13:13I feel like, you know.
13:14No.
13:14You can just scratch right here.
13:15Ass stuff happens.
13:16It's like if Dave starts a jingle and it gets cut off.
13:20Yes.
13:20I used to do this to Dave all the time.
13:22You have to finish the jingle.
13:24I would sing a part of a song, and then I could stop, and I would know that in Dave's
13:28head, there's no question in my mind, the rest of the song is playing on a loop in Dave's
13:34head for the rest of the day.
13:36Can you get anything stuck on a wall that's like something that you would almost the way
13:42like an animal would?
13:44What?
13:44You can like rub up on it.
13:47What are you talking about?
13:47I feel like if you needed some ass, like an ass massage.
13:52Massage.
13:52A massage.
13:53You can put a ball.
13:54You stick something like a little ball or something.
13:56Oh, you just get on a ball.
13:58Yeah.
13:58Yeah.
14:02Yeah.
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