- 7 weeks ago
Having been caught gambling during a surprise army inspection by a high ranking officer who wants to cut the number of troops gaining promotion in the ranks, Ted and Jock - considered two of the more hopeless cases - are given a seemingly impossible mission by their superior officer. In order to make officer grade, they must gain entry to a exclusive party hosted by the anti smoking Lady Cormorant - a snobbish woman who is very particular who she allows into her home - and in the process have their photos taken with her smoking a cigar as proof. Failure to do so will lead to their dismissal! How are they going to manage it?
Starring John Hewer, Anton Rodgers, Susan Stephen, Richard Caldicott, Mona Washbourne, Austin Trevor, Julian Orchard, Peter Illing, Ferdy Mayne, Inia Te Wiata, Leon Cortez, Anthony Woodruff, Valentine Dyall, Larry Dann, Frank Thornton and Larry Noble.
Starring John Hewer, Anton Rodgers, Susan Stephen, Richard Caldicott, Mona Washbourne, Austin Trevor, Julian Orchard, Peter Illing, Ferdy Mayne, Inia Te Wiata, Leon Cortez, Anthony Woodruff, Valentine Dyall, Larry Dann, Frank Thornton and Larry Noble.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00The End
01:30Sir, this is a pleasure.
01:35My business are never for the sake of pleasure, Major Soames, as you should know by now.
01:38Yes, sir. Won't you sit down?
01:40Don't have the time. Too much to do, sir. I shall come straight to the point.
01:43The War Officers cut our appropriations.
01:45That means every section of scattershot must institute an economy drive.
01:48Yes, sir.
01:49In your case, it should be fairly easy, Major.
01:51Easy, sir.
01:51There's too much debt within the leader's course already.
01:53Too many men who never get to be officers anyway.
01:55Course or no course.
01:56I can assure you, sir, that all I...
01:57Don't argue with me. I'm your superior officer.
01:59Yes, sir.
01:59It's getting to become too easy for a man to become an officer these days.
02:02We've got to tighten our standards.
02:04Yes, sir.
02:04They do as a dead one.
02:05Yes, sir.
02:05The misfits.
02:06Yes, sir.
02:06The men who never get to be officers anyway.
02:08Yes, sir.
02:08Who think that an officer's life is full of fun and game.
02:10Yes, sir.
02:11Do you play bridge, Major?
02:14No, sir.
02:15Well, it's a bit short of a fork down at the mess.
02:18Anyway, let's get on with it.
02:19Get on with it, sir.
02:20Yes, the inspection.
02:21The inspection, sir.
02:22We'll see where we can cut down.
02:23We'll start with the billets.
02:28Come to me again, little Joe.
02:31I can feel you.
02:34Come to papa, little Joe.
02:36I presume little Joe is the code name for a top secret military operation, Major.
02:49Now, each of you has been given an envelope containing a brief description of the initiative
02:55test you have been assigned.
02:57Each mission is a practical test of your resourcefulness and continuity and must be accomplished off
03:02the camp without any outside help.
03:04You will leave here without any money and you are forbidden to earn any.
03:08So how you live is up to you.
03:10Well, you're on your own from now on, gentlemen.
03:13Go out and do your best.
03:15Bissness.
03:23Begging your pardon, sir.
03:25Cadet Arnold and I seem to have been overlooked.
03:27We haven't been given an assignment.
03:28I have been saving your assignment to last, gentlemen.
03:32It's rather special.
03:34Come to my office, gentlemen.
03:37Let me begin by saying that Brigadier Tankard thinks it advisable that the two of you be
03:42dropped from the leader's course after witnessing that little incident in your billet yesterday.
03:47Sir, I'd like to explain.
03:49I know.
03:50You were shooting dice to try and win some money to make up for what you'd lost at cards
03:54to your bookmaker who was trying to make up the money that he'd lost to you on horse racing.
03:59Merely a matter of straightening out my profit and loss sheet for the year, sir.
04:01Sure.
04:02But the fact remains that Brigadier Tankard has very strong ideas on what it takes to become
04:06an officer.
04:07Gambling is all right, provided you don't do it down on your knees.
04:11Yes, sir.
04:11The fact that the game took place in the billet the two of you occupy is grounds enough for
04:16your dismissal from the course.
04:17Sir, I don't think it's fair that Charlie, I mean, Cadet Arnold should be blamed, sir.
04:21I inveigled him into acting as my banker.
04:23Oh, no, sir, no.
04:24I did it quite voluntarily.
04:25I'm as corrupt as Cadet Cook, here, sir.
04:27The Damon and Pythias act is really quite touching, gentlemen.
04:31Unfortunately, the Brigadier isn't as easily moved as I am.
04:35Then we'll be dismissed, sir.
04:37Not just yet, Cook.
04:38In a moment of what might be described as mental aberration, I persuaded the Brigadier
04:44that in a course which demanded the most in inventiveness and ingenuity from its future
04:49officers, you too were the most resourceful cadets we had.
04:53Thank you, sir.
04:54I didn't, of course, tell him that until now, your resourcefulness consisted of the most dazzling
05:00display of lead swinging in military history.
05:02Oh, we do appreciate that, sir.
05:03Well, he finally agreed to let you complete the course, provided you carried out your
05:08assignment successfully.
05:09We'll do it, sir.
05:10If anyone can get into a nudist colony or pinch an autographed g-string, it's us.
05:15I'm sure.
05:16But I'm afraid those assignments are child's play compared to the one the two of you are
05:20getting.
05:21Interested, or would you prefer to complete your service elsewhere?
05:25We want to become officers, sir.
05:27We'll do it.
05:27I'm not so sure, but here goes.
05:31Your objective is an estate called Cormorant Manor in Kent.
05:34It is the home of some rather unusual people.
05:37Among them, the squire of the manor, Lord Cormorant.
05:41Formerly of H.M.'s foreign office and ex-ambassador to Outer Mongolia, Inner Bessarabia, Lower
05:47Carthaginia and Higher Bongo Slavia, a man who, despite having been prematurely retired
05:53from the Foreign Service on trumped-up charges of incompetence by all the countries he attended
05:58as ambassador, still takes a deep interest in the rough and tumble of 20th century world
06:03diplomacy.
06:05Lord Cormorant's wife, Lady Cormorant, is another rather interesting specimen.
06:10She is as snooty and aristocratic battle-axe as ever put a fellow blue-blood into deep
06:15freeze for using the wrong fork.
06:17She's considered the country's leading hostess on the basis of the one party she gives every
06:22year, a party only attended by the fortunate few.
06:26The third member of the Cormorant household is their adopted niece, Stella.
06:30Because of her social position, her aunt and uncle do not permit her to seek any sort of
06:34employment, so she occupies her time doing charity work at a mission in Skid Row, for
06:40all manner and shapes of tramps and down-and-outers.
06:43But let's get back to Lady Cormorant.
06:46In a sense, she is your real objective in Operation Stogie.
06:50Operation Stogie, sir?
06:51The code word for this operation.
06:54As I've said, every year at this time, Lady Cormorant throws the most exclusive party of
06:59the social season, a party so exclusive that even the Prime Minister can't get an invitation
07:03to it, because he's involved in politics.
07:06The chairman of the Bank of England is left out because he sullies himself, however indirectly,
07:11with money.
07:12Only the most aristocratic of our aristocrats are invited, and even they have to submit
07:17six affidavits, proving that their pedigree goes back at least as far as Magna Carta.
07:23Even if someone were to steal an invitation, he wouldn't get very far, because Lady Cormorant
07:28knows each guest she invites personally.
07:30He'd never get past the front door.
07:33I see what you mean by exclusive, sir.
07:35Well then, there in a nutshell is your assignment.
07:38The two of you are to attend that party somehow.
07:41Each of you is to prove that you were there by having your photograph taken with your arm
07:45round Lady Cormorant.
07:46And what is more, just to make things a bit more interesting, Lady Cormorant is to be photographed
07:52smoking a cigar.
07:54A cigar, sir?
07:55Yes.
07:57That's the switch, isn't it?
07:58I understand that Lady Cormorant can't stand anyone smoking within 20 yards of her.
08:02Begging your pardon, sir, but isn't this mission rather like asking us to storm the Bastille
08:06armed with just a couple of pea shooters?
08:08The Bastille would be easier.
08:10So that's your assignment, gentlemen.
08:12The party's in two weeks' time, so you have a fortnight in which to do it.
08:15And if we fail to complete the mission, sir?
08:17If you fail, or if you decide you'd rather not even try, well, Brigadier Tankard says
08:23that the War Office wants us to send suitable men for a garrison that they're planning to
08:27send to the South Pole.
08:29It wouldn't be too bad, really.
08:31A tour of duty is only for three years.
08:33Well, gentlemen.
08:36South Pole.
08:37Here we come.
08:38Ah, don't worry, pal.
08:39We've got two weeks to work out how to get into that party.
08:41You heard what Major Cormorant said, didn't you?
08:43An arm and division couldn't get past that front door.
08:45Well, tanks have got no brains, Charlie.
08:48We have.
08:49Yeah, and that's about all we have.
08:51Do you realise what we've got to do?
08:53We've got to leave here with no money, and not earn any money for a fortnight.
08:57Oh, and another small thing.
08:59We've got to live as well.
09:00It's my tie, if you don't mind.
09:01You gave it to me for Christmas.
09:02Yes, and you gave it back to me for my birthday.
09:04Look, we don't need any money to get there.
09:06We can always hitchhike.
09:07And as for living, well, that's the least of our problems.
09:09But first, we've got to get to know Lady Cormorant.
09:13Oh, let's not stop there.
09:14Why don't we try and get an invitation to Buckingham Palace?
09:17Look, we'll plan our campaign like a military attack.
09:20First, we'll reconnoitre.
09:22Then we'll start probing the enemy's weaknesses for the direct attack.
09:26Charlie, my boy, put your oldest civvies in that bag.
09:31Oldest civvies?
09:32Oldest civvies.
09:50Oldest civvies.
09:50Excuse me, ma'am, me and my mate was wondering if there was any gardening work we might do.
10:10We already have a gardener, thank you very much.
10:12Well, ma'am, ma'am, is there any labouring work of any sort we could do?
10:15We have all the stuff we need.
10:18But ma'am, ma'am, me and my mate, we're very hungry. We haven't eaten for you.
10:21I've told you, I'm sorry, Molly.
10:23Just a couple of tramps, Miss Telly. You don't want to bother yourself about them.
10:27I'm sorry. Go away.
10:28We might be hungry.
10:29Oh, yes, ma'am. We are. We are hungry, aren't we?
10:32Yeah, we haven't eaten since Revali, ma'am.
10:34My friend hurt his foot, fallen out of the hayloft we slept in last night, ma'am.
10:37Oh, dear, I am sorry.
10:39Oh, Molly, try and find them something to eat.
10:42Do come in.
10:43Thank you. There's nothing like hospitable welcome in a friendly kitchen, ma'am.
10:46Well, you've gone to the right place, as a matter of fact, because people like you are my work.
10:50Your work, ma'am?
10:51Yes. I run a rehabilitation centre in London.
10:55The last resort mission for desperate men.
10:57Oh, we're desperate, very, yes, ma'am.
10:59Oh, well, please sit down.
11:00Oh, thank you. That's very kind of you.
11:08Oh, have you ever heard of it?
11:09The last resort mission, ma'am, Paul.
11:11Every chap in the country knows about it. You put men like us back on our feet.
11:14Oh, well, we try, anyway.
11:15Oh, that's...
11:16You both have the most fantastic qualifications for any sort of top managerial jobs,
11:21and yet you're both trumps.
11:23It's just fate, I suppose.
11:24Oh, nonsense.
11:26Well, I shouldn't have any difficulty getting you jobs.
11:28Oh, we're not allowed to work.
11:29Well, earth not.
11:30What Charlie means is that circumstances have always prevented us from finding the sort of job for which our particular qualifications are suited.
11:37Well, what sort of circumstances?
11:38Well, it's rather hard to explain to someone who's never had to worry about the, well, the material things of life.
11:45You mean money?
11:46That's a good word for it.
11:47Just about puts it in a nutshell.
11:49You see, Charlie and I have always been caught in a vicious circle.
11:52But with your intelligence and skill?
11:55Superior intelligence isn't enough.
11:57You've got to look presentable when you turn up for the interview.
11:59To be presentable, you've got to have the right clothes.
12:01To have the right clothes, you've got to have the sort of job where you can afford them.
12:04That's what he means by a vicious circle.
12:05Well, couldn't you have asked your families?
12:07Our fathers both lost their jobs in the general strike.
12:11But the general strike was in 1926.
12:13You weren't even born then.
12:15They never recovered from the shock.
12:16Things went from bad to worse.
12:18And we both left school practically in rags.
12:20Do you know the police nearly arrested us for indecent exposure?
12:23Do you mean to tell me that for want of a decent suit of clothes, that's why you've become tramps?
12:29The executive type of job for which we're qualified demands a special type of clothes.
12:32You know, bowler hat, dark jacket, striped trousers.
12:35The sort of clothes diplomats wear.
12:37But I suppose we'll never be able to afford them.
12:40We're just doomed to go on being tramps for the rest of our lives.
12:43I can get you the clothes.
12:45My uncle is a former diplomat.
12:47No.
12:48You're joking.
12:49Have you ever heard of Lord Cormorant?
12:50You mean the former British ambassador to outer Mongolia, inner Bessarabia, lower Carthaginia and higher Mongoslavia.
12:56Then you have heard of him.
12:57Who hasn't heard of Lord Cormorant?
12:59Well, he's my uncle, and I know he can find you some clothes.
13:02You shouldn't be taking all this trouble over us, Miss Stella.
13:05Oh, it's no trouble.
13:06It's a challenge to the last resort mission.
13:08I shall make it my business to find you the jobs you deserve.
13:11Oh, the nerve of that woman.
13:20Expecting an invitation to the party just because she's a duchess.
13:24Hello, Aunt Victoria.
13:25Oh, hello, my dear.
13:26Damn.
13:27Damn what, Uncle Alfred?
13:28This damsily border dispute between inner Bessarabia and lower Carthaginia.
13:33Threatening to go to war over a miserable piece of land.
13:36But, if I was still ambassador in either of those countries...
13:39My dear Alfred, if you were still ambassador, the whole world would be at war over it.
13:46You're home late, my dear.
13:48I had some extra work to do at the mission.
13:50Aren't you tired of that filthy place yet?
13:52No, it isn't filthy.
13:53We keep it spotlessly clean.
13:55You know what I mean.
13:56I can't understand how a young girl with your advantages can waste time with such people.
14:01You'd be just as upset if I had an ordinary job.
14:04And I have to have something to hold my interest.
14:07Which reminds me, Aunt Victoria, we're running rather short of funds again.
14:12Oh, which means, I suppose, that you expect me to solicit contributions from my friends again.
14:18Oh, well, I'm sure they don't mind.
14:19Think how superior it makes them feel to give money to tramps.
14:22I think they're getting a bit tired of the white man's burden on their own doorsteps.
14:27Still, it makes such a good line, doesn't it?
14:30Oh, Uncle Alfred, do you know where I could hire two suits?
14:34Diplomatic suits.
14:36What for?
14:36Well, there are a couple of tramps at the mission and they need them for jobs.
14:40You mean, even tramps are dressing like diplomats now?
14:44I don't know about you, but I feel all right next to you here.
14:52On the contrary, I think we fit in terribly well with the potted plants.
14:55No, you do.
14:56Well, I think it's crazy.
14:58Which is what makes our plan so sane.
15:00Look, in a few moments, Dr. Rodney Polk, the mediator for the United Nations, is going to come through that door.
15:06Now, he is our open sesame to the world of Lord and Lady Cormorant.
15:10Oh.
15:11Charlie, you really should do something else than read the sports section of the paper.
15:16Don't you know that inner Bessarabia and lower Carthaginia are threatening to go to war over a bit of land on the border that they both claim to own?
15:23So, I'm not losing any sleep over it.
15:25Well, neither does anyone else do matters.
15:27It's just a lot of talk.
15:29Dr. Polk is over here trying to settle things peacefully.
15:32Why here?
15:32Well, for once, London's considered to be neutral territory.
15:36Well, what's this got to do with the Cormorants?
15:38Lord Cormorant was ambassador to both countries, remember?
15:41Now, he's just been retired under protest.
15:43His own.
15:45We're going to bring him out of retirement.
15:47How is this going to help us get to the party?
15:49You'll see.
15:50What are the chances of a peaceful settlement between inner Bessarabia and lower Carthaginia, Dr. Rodney?
15:54The chances are excellent.
15:55How long will the conference last?
15:57Until a settlement is reached.
15:58What about the movements of troops on both sides of the border?
16:00Both governments assure me these are normal military exercises
16:03which they carry out regularly in order to keep their troops fit.
16:06Just follow me and act like you've been solving border disputes all your life.
16:10Thank you, thank you, thank you, gentlemen.
16:12But Dr. Polk is very tired after his long journey.
16:14I'm sure he'll be quite happy to talk to you all later.
16:17Yes, of course.
16:18Thank you, sir.
16:18I beg your pardon, sir.
16:29Yes?
16:29Are you and this gentleman with Dr. Polk?
16:31Of course.
16:32But the reservation was only for one.
16:34There must have been some clerical error in New York.
16:36The reservation should have been for three.
16:37For Dr. Polk and his two A's, Mr. Cook and Mr. Arnold.
16:40Mr. Arnold, this is Mr. Cook.
16:42We'll go right on.
16:42But the accommodation was only for one, sir.
16:46That's perfectly all right.
16:48We prefer to sleep on the floor at the foot of Dr. Polk's bed for security reasons.
16:53Room number 238.
17:16Yes, we could have found out the number of his room with that.
17:18Putting this lot on and signing the hotel register.
17:20Putting this lot on and signing the hotel register gives us diplomatic standing.
17:24It also gives us official access to the diplomat's room when he's out.
17:28What do we want to get in his room for?
17:29To convince Lord Cormorant that we also are in the UN.
17:32We'll never get away with it.
17:33I think we shall.
17:35We'll see.
17:40The United Nations mediator.
17:43Secret negotiations.
17:44All a lot of poppycock.
17:46As I used to tell the Sultan of Inubes Arabia and the Emir of Lower Carthaginia,
17:50the trouble with them was they weren't British.
17:52Maybe they liked being Arabs.
17:55Meet all types in the world.
17:56They only think they like being Arabs.
17:58Now, if this UN negotiator wanted my advice...
18:01Excuse me, sir.
18:02There's a telephone call for you.
18:03Who is it?
18:03Dr. Polk, sir.
18:04Polk?
18:05Dr. Polk?
18:06I don't know who the devil he is.
18:08No, well, I suppose I'd better speak to him.
18:09Excuse me, would you?
18:10Well, if the UN chap wanted his advice, our relations with the Middle East are bad enough.
18:19Hold on a minute.
18:21Isn't Dr. Polk the fellow from the UN?
18:24Hello.
18:24The Corporate here.
18:25This is Mr. Cook of Dr. Polk's United Nations staff.
18:28Oh, that Dr. Polk.
18:31Well, well, well.
18:32We wondered if we might have a word with you, sir, in private.
18:35In what connection?
18:37It isn't wise to speak about these things over the phone, sir,
18:39but shall we say it's connected with a certain border dispute on which we'd like some expert advice?
18:44Well, well.
18:46Could you go into Dr. Polk's suite at the Executive Hotel?
18:49Just ask for the room number at the desk.
18:50Oh, and sir, we rely upon your discretion in this matter.
18:54Yes, yes, of course.
18:55I'll come at once.
18:58I, um, I'm afraid we shall have to continue our discussion some other time, gentlemen.
19:03Something's just come up.
19:04Little United Nations matter they want my advice on.
19:08Are you sure Polk's out?
19:09I checked.
19:10He's having private talks with each delegation before the start of the conference.
19:13Supposing he comes back early?
19:15The suite next door's empty.
19:16That door leads to it, and I've got the key.
19:18You'll be on guard in the corridor.
19:19If you see Polk coming, just give a shout, and we'll nip out that way.
19:22Where did you get it?
19:23It's a duplicate.
19:24One of the advantages of being a UN diplomat is that no one asks any awkward questions.
19:29I just told the porter that I needed these to make sure that they didn't fall into the hands of any, uh...
19:33Can I help you?
19:40This is Dr. Polk, sweetie.
19:42That's right.
19:43Wait a moment.
19:44You can't just walk in there, you know.
19:46Dr. Polk's the most important man.
19:47He doesn't see any Tom, Dick, or Harry.
19:49Well, I'm not any Tom, Dick, or Harry.
19:51Aren't you?
19:51Who are you, then?
19:52I'm Alfred.
19:53Alfred.
19:53Lord Cormorant.
19:55Oh, thank your pardon.
19:58Mr. Cook?
19:59Mr. Cook.
20:00Alfred.
20:01Lord Cormorant.
20:02Oh.
20:03How do you do, sir?
20:05How nice of you to come.
20:07I thought it was my duty.
20:08The name Lord Cormorant is synonymous with duty.
20:10A drink?
20:11I'm afraid Dr. Polk only keeps brandy.
20:14Oh, brandy.
20:14I do very nicely, thank you.
20:16A cigar.
20:16Oh.
20:17Have one of Dr. Polk's own specially made cigars.
20:21There's nothing else for Dr. Polk's you'd like, is there?
20:23Speaking of Dr. Polk, Mr. Arnold, perhaps you'd better go and check up on security details.
20:29Isn't Dr. Polk here?
20:30Please sit down, sir.
20:31No, Dr. Polk is not here, nor will he be, for reasons which will soon be clear to you.
20:38I am Dr. Polk's special assistant on border disputes and customs post arguments.
20:43As you know, a conference to settle the border dispute between Inner Bessarabia and Lower
20:47Carthaginia opens here this week.
20:49Been reading about it in the papers.
20:51Damn silly nonsense.
20:52Oh, glad you agree, sir.
20:54Unfortunately, the Sultan of Inner Bessarabia and the Emir of Lower Carthaginia are in deadly
20:59earnest.
20:59A man of your vast diplomatic experience knows how difficult they can be.
21:02Oh, I know how to handle them.
21:04Precisely why we want your help, sir.
21:06We feel that if anyone can settle this dispute amicably, it's you.
21:10That's what I keep telling everybody.
21:12Unfortunately, we shall have to tread very carefully in this matter.
21:16Your enemies are still at work.
21:18My enemies?
21:19Those people who had you prematurely retired from the Foreign Office because your diplomatic
21:23brilliance made them appear even more incompetent than they were.
21:26Oh, thank goodness someone believes me.
21:29Oh, it's a well-known fact of the UN.
21:31Oh, do they discuss me then?
21:33Vigorously.
21:34Well, well.
21:36Unfortunately, this handicaps our negotiations somewhat.
21:40How do you mean?
21:41These jealous forces are still extremely powerful.
21:44Why?
21:45They'll stop at nothing.
21:47Happily, Dr. Polk is well aware that real peace in this matter can come only through you.
21:52Sounds an intelligent person, this Dr. Polk.
21:55When do I meet him?
21:56Oh, unfortunately, meeting him is quite out of the question.
22:00I thought you wanted my help.
22:02Oh, we do, sir.
22:03But in an unofficial capacity.
22:06A mediator's position in this matter is extremely delicate.
22:09But the people of Inner Bessarabia and Lower Carthaginia love me.
22:13Whenever I used to go amongst them in my capacity as British ambassador, the people used to demonstrate
22:18their deep affection for me in what my attaches assured me was their traditional way of showing
22:24their affection for someone they adored.
22:26And believe me, some of the stones they threw at me were huge.
22:30Conditions have changed since you left Lord Cormorant.
22:32Your enemies have been conducting a deliberate campaign of malicious propaganda against you.
22:37So they no longer love me?
22:39Oh, underneath it all, they do, sir.
22:41But their leaders don't dare admit now that they need your counsel more than ever.
22:46So for reasons of national pride, I'm afraid you'll have to stay in the background.
22:51You mean I shan't be invited to attend the conference?
22:53For the moment, all we can do is ask for your advice on how to deal with the Emir and the Sultan.
22:59A man of your diplomatic experience.
23:01I'm at your service, sir.
23:03We knew we could count on you.
23:09Charmoo's boss.
23:11Is enemy approaching?
23:12I go this way, sir.
23:13This way.
23:17I still don't understand.
23:31Your enemies, Lord Cormorant.
23:32Mr. Arnold saw them coming.
23:33Coming here?
23:34Of course.
23:35We don't dare allow anyone to see you in our suite.
23:37That's why Dr. Polk went out.
23:38To throw everyone off the scent.
23:40But how is he to get my ideas if I'm never allowed to meet him?
23:42Through us.
23:43We're going to act as intermediaries.
23:44And by the way, should you meet Dr. Polk, you must pretend not to recognize him.
23:47He'll do the same, I assure you, won't he?
23:49Well, if that's the way it has to be, I suppose that's the way it has to be.
23:53A very perceptive observation, sir.
23:55And by the way, I agree.
23:56We should meet somewhere else from now on.
23:57How about your country house?
23:59Oh, I don't think that'd be very wise.
24:00Oh, but it's safe there.
24:01No one will see us.
24:01It's my wife, you see.
24:02Oh, the beautiful Lady Cormorant.
24:04I don't think my wife would like the idea of my getting involved with Bessarabia again.
24:07She didn't appreciate their tokens of affection.
24:10And she got some of the biggest ones.
24:11But she needn't know anything about it.
24:13The whole thing's hush-hush.
24:14Yes, yes.
24:14You were saying?
24:19My wife has a talent for un-hushing things.
24:22No, I think my club would be the best place to meet.
24:25All right, I suppose it'll have to do.
24:27Your club it is then, tomorrow.
24:29But don't forget, not a word about this to anyone.
24:31How am I to get in touch with you?
24:32Don't call us, we'll call you.
24:44Can I help you, gentlemen?
24:51We'd like to see Lord Cormorant.
24:53We have an appointment.
24:55And who shall I say is calling?
24:56Just say Topsy and Mopsy.
25:04Mr. Topsy and Mr. Mopsy, sir.
25:07Eh?
25:07Oh, honey.
25:08Leave this to us, sir.
25:09You're in greater danger than you think even here.
25:11Your enemies are-
25:11Hurry, shut up!
25:12Oh, good devil, sir.
25:14Ah, phosphostase, eh?
25:16Really, sir?
25:16Sorry, it could have been.
25:17What are you searching for?
25:18Concealed microphones.
25:19We've had a report that the antitul club is riddled with enemy agents.
25:22Oh, yeah.
25:22Ah, haven't I seen you somewhere before, sir?
25:25Lisbon, Tangier, Brighton.
25:27You think a different name, of course.
25:28Brighton never been to the most, sir.
25:29How about you?
25:29Eh?
25:30No, no, of course.
25:30By heaven, duller.
25:31Ah, what's this?
25:33A radio transmitter.
25:35Here, give me back my pen, sir.
25:36Give me back my pen.
25:37What are you afraid of people having a close look at for?
25:39What does it contain?
25:40Coded messages?
25:41Radio, sir.
25:42Ah, and it contains ink.
25:44Looks as if we've made a mistake.
25:46Perhaps the report referred to another Neanderthal club.
25:47Are these your friends, corporates?
25:49Well, yes, but I...
25:49This is the last straw.
25:50We've put up with you for long enough.
25:52I shall report you to the committee.
25:53We'll see that you'll expel, sir.
26:05Polly, cut!
26:14But, sir, why can't we go to your place, Lord Cormorant?
26:26I've told you, my wife can be very difficult at times.
26:28But we must have somewhere safe to talk.
26:30But I can't see why you object to this hotel.
26:32After all, you both live here.
26:33Besides, the conference opens tomorrow,
26:35and I want to get my views across to you as quickly as possible.
26:37Yes, but you see...
26:38There's, uh, no point in pushing Lord Cormorant too hard, Mr. Arnold.
26:41A man of his stature must surely know his own mind.
26:44Uh, is Dr. Polk back yet?
26:46Uh, no, sir.
26:47It's safe.
26:48It's safe?
26:48I mean, we shan't be disturbed.
26:50Oh, no.
26:50Oh, no.
26:50Oh, no.
26:51Oh, no.
26:51Oh, no.
26:52Oh, no.
26:52Oh, no.
26:53Oh, no.
26:54Oh, no.
26:55Oh, no.
26:56Oh, no.
26:57Oh, no.
26:58Oh, no.
26:59Oh, no.
27:00Oh, no.
27:01Oh, no.
27:02Oh, no.
27:03Oh, no.
27:04Oh, no.
27:05Oh, no.
27:06Oh, no.
27:07Oh, no.
27:08Oh, no.
27:09Oh, no.
27:10Oh, no.
27:11I shall want a hot water bottle for myself tonight, and a couple more in two days' time,
27:15when my husband gets here.
27:16Very well, madam.
27:18Thank you, madam.
27:21I have it all worked out.
27:23I know exactly how to solve this board of dispute to the benefit of both sides.
27:27That's exactly what I wanted to hear, Lord Cormorant.
27:29Oh, thank you.
27:30All right.
27:31Hmm.
27:36So, that's the situation as I see it.
27:39If you impress all these facts upon both delegations, I'm sure they will come round to my way of thinking immediately.
27:45Yes, sir. You and I will have to be in constant consultation.
27:48Just telephone me and I'll be here whenever you need me.
27:50Ah, that's just the problem. Here is no good.
27:52Well, we haven't been interrupted for two hours, have we?
27:57Mr. Polk's coming.
27:58Ah, good. I'd like to help.
28:00You're lucky I...
28:04Who was this?
28:05I don't think it was Dr. Polk. He called me. We've got to get out of here.
28:07Yes, but...
28:08You mean that you're home tomorrow, right?
28:09Well, I...
28:10Look, don't you see this might happen again?
28:12Conspirators are closing in on us.
28:13Well, I'll do my best to placate my wife.
28:15Good.
28:16I bet you will impress my views on the conference.
28:17Of course.
28:28Do you have anything to say before the conference, sir?
28:30Yes, sir.
28:31No comment.
28:38Do you have anything to say before the conference, sir?
28:41No comment.
28:43No comment.
28:44No comment.
28:45No comment.
28:46No comment.
28:47No comment.
28:48No comment.
28:49Do you have anything to say before the conference opens, Dr. Polk?
28:50I am confident we'll come to a fair and amicable agreement quickly.
28:52No!
28:53No!
28:54No!
28:55No!
28:56No!
28:57No!
28:58No!
28:59No!
29:00No!
29:01No!
29:02No!
29:03No one.
29:04No!
29:15But what happened, sir?
29:17Well, the delegations had some useful exchanges.
29:21I'm confident we'll come to a fair and amicable agreement, quickly.
29:30I think it's most peculiar.
29:32There's something very odd about you.
29:34I think you've both got mental blocks.
29:36Well, it's so long since you've had a job that,
29:38oh, secretly, in your subconscious, you don't want to work.
29:41You know, I think maybe she's right.
29:43Yes, that's it. Of course, we don't like work.
29:45Well, now all we've got to do is to remove the blocks.
29:47Oh.
29:48Well, for a start, you could work here at the mission.
29:51Oh, we're not allowed to work.
29:52No, the mission couldn't afford it.
29:53Oh, we wouldn't pay you anything.
29:55You could just help around, move beds, generally help George.
29:58We just like old home.
29:59You know, in three or four months, we might even come to light work.
30:02Oh, I hope it will be sooner than that.
30:03And I hope you go on looking for a job in the meantime.
30:06Oh, we shall.
30:07As a matter of fact, we've got another interview this afternoon.
30:09Oh, do you need money for fares?
30:11Well, we are a bit short.
30:12No, no.
30:13We're getting a lift.
30:42Here we go.
30:42Alright, let's arrivé here.
30:43Alright.
30:44Let's go.
30:45Hey everyone, I'm going to welcome the next day.
30:46I'm going to get a new guest on Dylan paso.
30:49Oh, my God.
31:19Mr. Cook and Mr. Arnival, sir.
31:33Your Lordship, my friend.
31:36How nice to see you.
31:37I didn't hear you drive up.
31:39Left the rolls at the bottom of the drive.
31:40Didn't want to be too conspicuous, you know.
31:43Makes the life so untidy.
31:45Where's Lady Cormorant?
31:47Upstairs, having her nap.
31:48That's why I suggested meeting at this time.
31:50You mean you haven't told her about us?
31:52Oh, yes.
31:53And I must say she took my return to the diplomatic cockpit very well.
31:56All she did was to give her a little snort.
31:58Well, if she knows, my friend, trot her down, trot her down.
32:01Let's meet her off.
32:02No, no, no, no, no.
32:03We're supposed to be discussing tactics for the conference.
32:05Oh, there's no hurry.
32:06That board has been there for centuries.
32:08As long as we're here, might as well be sociable first.
32:11Certainly.
32:11Let's meet the old bat-lax.
32:12Lady.
32:13I assure you she doesn't like being disturbed when she's having her nap.
32:16And besides, according to the papers, this conference isn't getting anywhere.
32:21Oh, my dear.
32:22I thought you were having your nap.
32:24I couldn't sleep.
32:26Wondering whether or not to invite Prince Morris of Transylvania.
32:30They say that his mother's grandfather was only a count, you know.
32:33Yes, my dear.
32:33Now, these are the two young gentlemen from the United Nations I was telling you about.
32:37Mr. Cook, Mr. Arnold, and my wife, Lady Corbett.
32:40There's no need to introduce us, sir.
32:42I'd know those distinguished features anywhere.
32:46If I may say so, madam, your name is synonymous with that grace and charm which is so rare in the world these days.
32:53Yes.
32:54As I was saying to the Duke of Paddleford at Ascot last year.
32:56Oh, you know my brother?
32:58Your brother?
33:00Yes, sir.
33:00We have met him once or twice at some social function or other.
33:04As I was saying to him at Ascot last year, there's a truly remarkable facial resemblance between the two of you.
33:09Incredible.
33:10Really?
33:11How odd.
33:12He's my stepbrother.
33:14Yes, that is rather odd.
33:16I leave you to your private talk.
33:17Oh, don't rush off an hour, I can't say any cormorant.
33:20Our business with your husband can wait.
33:21I'm afraid I have one or two things to attend to.
33:23My wife's giving a party next week.
33:25Still hasn't completed her guest list.
33:27Of course, the famous cormorant ball.
33:30We've heard so much about it, haven't we?
33:32Haven't we, just?
33:33That's all they ever talk about in the mess in the UN building in New York.
33:36I thought they only talked about me.
33:38Oh, you too.
33:39As a matter of fact, sir, both the cormorants are bywords on the East River.
33:43Yes, those who are lucky enough to attend the annual cormorant ball can never forget it.
33:48Ah, how I love parties.
33:51The problem is to invite just the right people, don't you think?
33:55Definitely.
33:55And now, if you'll excuse me.
33:58Oh, well, yes, of course.
33:59We wouldn't dream of keeping you from your guest list.
34:01Just think of all those lucky people who are soon to get invitation.
34:06Good day.
34:09Good day, Lady Cormorant.
34:11Lovely to have met you.
34:12Delightful.
34:13I have news for you.
34:14We're going to need a bulldozer to get a cigar into that now.
34:17Lady Cormorant, to the conference?
34:19But this conference has nothing whatsoever to do with the British government.
34:22This is strictly off the record, Dr. Polk, but we at the Foreign Office have received certain information
34:26to indicate that his presence there would be extremely beneficial to the outcome of the conference.
34:31But everybody knows that both the Sultan of Inner Bessarabia and the Emir of Loa-Catharginia hate Cormorant.
34:37They each broke off diplomatic relations at least three times while he was ambassador there.
34:41Nevertheless, sir, they feel that Lord Cormorant is intimately acquainted with their providence.
34:45And since Britain has interest in both countries,
34:47we at the Foreign Office are placing Lord Cormorant at the disposal of the conference.
34:51But you fired him five years ago for his blunders.
34:54Oh, no, that was just a rumor, sir, put out by his enemies.
34:57We assure you, sir, he retired entirely of his own volition.
35:00He is still one of our most prized experts on Middle Eastern affairs.
35:04Well, I'm only a mediator in this dispute,
35:06but I cannot invite Lord Cormorant to the talks
35:08without an official request from each delegation that he be there.
35:11Don't worry, Dr. Polk.
35:12You'll get it.
35:14At that imbecile Cormorant at the conference, you must be mad.
35:17But Lord Cormorant possesses certain information
35:20that he wishes to present to the conference in support of your country's claims.
35:24That's why Lower Carthaginia is trying to prevent his making an appearance.
35:26Ah, Sir Lord Carthaginia does not want facts presented that will support our case.
35:33Contact Dr. Polk immediately.
35:35Tell him we demand the presence of Lord Cormorant at the negotiations.
35:38So, in a Bessarabia doesn't want that fool Cormorant to prove we're right.
35:54Phone Dr. Polk and tell him
35:56that either Lord Cormorant attends the conference or we go home.
36:00I'll be there.
36:01Phone Dr. Polk- My dear, I...
36:05I have to go out.
36:07The UN chaps want to see me.
36:09Oh, well, thank goodness they're not coming here.
36:12In all the years, I've had to deal with people
36:13trying to inveigle invitations to my party.
36:16I have never met anyone
36:18so transparently persistent as those two.
36:21I wouldn't invite them to a char ladies' ball,
36:23much less my own.
36:24They sound nice, if you ask me.
36:26They seem to be better suited to your doss house
36:29than the diplomatic call.
36:33Invite the whole conference to my wife's party.
36:36Don't you see what it'll mean, sir?
36:38Your wife's annual ball is famous all over the world
36:40for its snobbishness, air exclusiveness.
36:42Even the emir and the sultan must have heard of it.
36:44I still don't see how it would help the negotiations.
36:47It'll be a sign of your good faith.
36:48In the interests of international harmony and understanding,
36:51you are prepared to break the most rigid rules of your social class
36:54and invite outsiders to the ball.
36:56But it's not my party, it's my wife's party.
36:58And she won't have outsiders.
37:00Think of the effect it will have on the delegations.
37:03They think you look down on them.
37:05I do.
37:06Well, pretend that you don't.
37:08If you bring off this agreement single-handed, Lord Cormorant,
37:12think what a feather it'll be in your cap.
37:14Yes.
37:16Yes, it would be, wouldn't it?
37:18Especially as everything else has failed.
37:20Oh, what about my wife?
37:23She'd be furious.
37:24You're not afraid of your wife, are you, sir?
37:26I'm not afraid of anyone.
37:28I'll do it.
37:29And at exactly the most dramatic moment of the conference,
37:32I'll produce my trump card and invitation to my wife's party.
37:37You're...
37:38Is someone in this hotel playing pranks on me?
37:42Pranks, sir?
37:43I received a telephone call an hour ago,
37:44telling me I was urgently wanted somewhere in my official capacity.
37:48Fortunately, before I had lost too much time,
37:49I met one of the people I was supposed to see.
37:51And he told me he knew nothing about it.
37:54I assure you, sir, neither do we.
37:55Oh, there's a woman in there.
38:19She's the least of our worries.
38:20Here.
38:22We'd better get out.
38:23Paul's bothered us.
38:23I still...
38:24Start acting natural in the hall.
38:25Open that door.
38:33Haven't I seen those men somewhere before?
38:35Well, they acted very strangely.
38:37There's something odd about this hotel.
38:39I'm terrified someone's going to break into my room again.
38:41Don't worry, my dear.
38:42I'm here now.
38:45Let me in, I say.
38:46There's a little problem.
38:47Let's go.
39:00This is Wicked Air Tankard.
39:01Room 237.
39:02Call the police.
39:04A sex maniac stuck working to our room.
39:06Try to take my wife!
39:17Polk's nearly an hour late already.
39:21We'll just have to postpone the session, that's all.
39:23We can't. The party's tomorrow.
39:24Yes, I say play your trump card now.
39:26Yes, now? But the moment isn't dramatic enough.
39:29But does it really matter?
39:30To a connoisseur of fine diplomacy, of course.
39:33But they're going to walk out and your moment won't come.
39:35Then you'll just have to play for time.
39:37Me?
39:38Yes, after all, you're Dr. Polk's assistant.
39:39You know all his methods.
39:40Why don't you take charge of the proceedings?
39:42Come to think of it, that's a very good idea.
39:46Even though I do say so myself.
39:48Lord Cormorant, don't say anything I'll regret.
39:51Gentlemen, I have a suggestion to make.
39:55Owing to the continued absence of Dr. Polk,
39:58rather than postpone this session and waste further time,
40:01I suggest that Dr. Polk's brilliant young assistant, Mr. Cook,
40:05takes charge of the proceedings.
40:07So long, Mr. Cook. It's all yours.
40:11Gentlemen.
40:14Unaccustomed as I am to...
40:16Public diplomacy, I...
40:23A very funny thing happened to me on my way to the conference room today.
40:26Do not play jokes on our time.
40:30If you have no concrete proposals to make, we all go home.
40:34Make a concrete proposal.
40:38I haven't got a concrete proposal.
40:40Oh, that's the secret of diplomacy.
40:42Make one up.
40:43And when the moment is right enough, I'll come out with my invitation.
40:46Or would you rather forget all about the party?
40:52Gentlemen.
40:53Would you like to hear how I would settle this dispute if I had my way?
40:57No.
40:58No.
40:59No.
41:02Very well, then.
41:03I will tell you.
41:05In my own set, when passions are aroused,
41:07we know that there is one excellent way of solving the dispute.
41:10A way that involves all the higher virtues of diplomacy,
41:13in that everyone has an equal chance and there are no favourites.
41:16The outcome, though not always satisfactory to all,
41:19is none the less equitable.
41:21And the one who deserves to be the victor,
41:23is the victor.
41:26That is precisely in a Bessarabia's attitude to the way things should be.
41:32And lower capital genius.
41:35Very well, gentlemen.
41:36Are you willing to try my proposal?
41:38I will.
41:43How many?
41:44Two.
41:46Two.
41:47Two.
41:49I will take it.
41:50Two.
41:58One village.
42:00One village.
42:01And I raise you.
42:03Two sand dunes and one oasis.
42:08Two sand dunes.
42:09I see you.
42:14What have you got?
42:18Three kings.
42:26Four kings.
42:29And poker is so much more fun with two packs.
42:31Gentlemen, haven't we been playing long enough?
42:34After all, the most important proposal of the conference hasn't been made yet.
42:37Who wants new proposals?
42:39We settle our disputes in a friendly way, like you suggested.
42:43Whoever wins the map, wins the border, right?
42:46Right.
42:54Gentlemen, we wish to announce a complete and happy agreement has been reached.
42:59We will announce the details of who got what as soon as the bits of map can be put back together again.
43:08The settlement is based on an ingenious proposal made by Mr. Cook here.
43:14Without him, it would not have been possible.
43:18Gentlemen, I have no choice but to confess that I have misled you.
43:23The plan was not mine.
43:26I was merely the instrument of its presentation to the conference.
43:29And I think we must give the mastermind of this scheme his due.
43:33Gentlemen, the plan was the brainchild of the brilliant diplomatic mind of Lord Cormorant.
43:40With his usual tact and diplomacy, he insisted that someone else should present the scheme,
43:45even though he had worked for three days and nights on it in order to avoid war.
43:50Gentlemen, we must give credit where credit is due.
43:54Well, here's to your brilliantly conceived settlement, sir.
44:09Yeah, yeah.
44:10You know, it all happened so quickly.
44:12I can't really remember when I thought up the coup de grace.
44:16It was just after you suggested we should play poker, sir, remember?
44:19My suggestion?
44:20Yes, when you told Ted to make a concrete suggestion.
44:23Well, everyone knows that's a slang expression for poker.
44:26Oh, yes, yes, of course.
44:27And then, during the game, I took your hint about the party.
44:31Party?
44:32Yes, sir.
44:33When you said, how did I ever become a party to this,
44:36I knew that that was the signal to invite the whole delegation to your wife's ball.
44:39Darn clever thinking, sir. Darn clever.
44:42I don't really remember that.
44:44You're not going to withdraw our invitation, are you, sir?
44:47Withdraw?
44:48A cormorant never withdraws.
44:50Tomorrow night, gentlemen, you are my guests.
44:53And to the devil with my wife.
44:55Ah.
44:56Yes, miss?
44:57Oh, I'm looking for my uncle, Lord Cormorant.
45:00I was just on my way home.
45:01I wondered if you wanted a lift.
45:02Oh, he's in the dining room, miss.
45:04Can I go in there?
45:05Ladies aren't usually allowed in there, miss, but I suppose it's all right.
45:08It's through there.
45:10Stella.
45:11So it is.
45:12I didn't know you knew each other.
45:13What are you doing here with my uncle?
45:14Stella, I'll explain later.
45:15Oh, this is Mr. Cook and Mr. Arnold, the two UN diplomats I was telling you about.
45:19Them?
45:20Yes.
45:21We're just celebrating the successful conclusion of the conference.
45:23We managed to bring it off together.
45:24But there aren't any UN diplomats.
45:25They're tramps.
45:26Stella, I know all this seems a bit strange.
45:27Tramps?
45:28My dear, where are your manners?
45:29They're my colleagues and have been for ten days.
45:30For ten days they've been staying at my mission.
45:31Nonsense.
45:32They've been living in the U.N.
45:33Nonsense.
45:34They've been living in the U.N.
45:35The U.N.
45:36The U.N.
45:37The U.N.
45:38The U.N.
45:39The U.N.
45:40The U.N.
45:41The U.N.
45:42The U.N.
45:43The U.N.
45:44The U.N.
45:45The U.N.
45:46The U.N.
45:47The U.N.
45:48The U.N.
45:49The U.N.
45:50The U.N.
45:55Uncle Alfred, I tell you, they're tramps.
45:56I met them for the first time when they came into our kitchens begging for work.
45:59Stella, if you will let me explain.
46:01This is some sort of joke.
46:02They make fools of both of us.
46:03Hey?
46:04Stella, please.
46:05Stella.
46:06No, let go of me.
46:07Listen to me, Stella.
46:08No, you lied to me.
46:09I thought you were a nice tramp and all you are is a diplomat.
46:14I'm not a diplomat and I'm not a tramp.
46:16I'm an army cadet.
46:17I don't believe you.
46:18I don't believe you.
46:19With all that deceit, what have you got to gain?
46:22I'm on a military mission.
46:23To Cormorant Manor.
46:24Look, I shouldn't tell you this, but I'll have to.
46:26Charlie and I are both on the same assignment.
46:28It's a practical test of resourcefulness.
46:30Well, then you'll come through with flying colors.
46:32I've never met anyone so resourceful in my life.
46:35You'd call a phenomenal liar that.
46:36Look, we had to tell lies.
46:38How on earth else could we hope to get into your aunt's famous ball?
46:41My aunt's balls?
46:42Yes, that was the assignment.
46:43We had to get an invitation to her party
46:45and get a photograph of her smoking a cigar.
46:47Smoking a cigar?
46:49Ah, now you can see for yourself what a hell of an assignment it was.
46:52But we've already got the invitation.
46:53You mean you had the invitation?
46:56Oh, she may be an old battle axe, but she's still my aunt.
46:59And nobody's coming to her party to take a photograph of her
47:01smoking a cigar for some practical joke.
47:03But it's not a practical joke.
47:05It's a serious military mission.
47:07Well, then the mission is over.
47:08I shall have every security guard at the party
47:10given both of your descriptions.
47:12Stella.
47:14Is this true, sir?
47:16Yes, sir, but if you'll just let me explain.
47:18So, I've been bamboozled.
47:20You are right, sir.
47:21My enemies are everywhere.
47:25Well, so ends Operation Stogie.
47:28We're not finished yet.
47:29Are you kidding?
47:30We're worse off now than when we started.
47:31They'll be expecting us now,
47:33and they'll be waiting for us.
47:34I haven't got a hope.
47:35Oh, yes, we have.
47:37Look, so far we've tried to talk our way in.
47:39Now we're going to try direct action.
47:41Every man has their description, ma'am.
47:47A disguise wouldn't even work.
47:49Well?
47:50All my men are in position, your ladyship.
47:51It will take an army to get in here uninvited tonight.
47:53But what about those Bessarabians,
47:56those Carthaginians,
47:57those Eastern people my husband invited against my wishes?
48:01The Sultan and the Emmiers and Countess rule.
48:03Have you seen Lady Cormorant yet?
48:14No.
48:17Here she comes now.
48:19The light up there is no good.
48:21We must get her under that lamp.
48:22Get that cigar alight.
48:23We must do this quick.
48:24All right.
48:24All right.
48:24All right.
48:27Thank you, sir.
48:28Thank you so much.
48:31Why, Lady Cormorant, is anything wrong?
48:33Everything's wrong.
48:34My beautiful party.
48:35But you look deathly pale, doesn't you?
48:37Oh, indeed, yes.
48:38Oh, come this way and let me take a closer look at you.
48:40I am a doctor.
48:40Come on.
48:43Oh, yes, Lady Cormorant.
48:45Your looks are very worrying.
48:47I think you should sit down.
48:48I would very much like to take your temper.
48:50Now, will you please open your mouth?
49:01Very hot.
49:01I think we should have a second opinion.
49:04Indeed, yes.
49:05Oh, my goodness me, Lady.
49:07You should be dead.
49:08There's only one thing for it.
49:09An injection.
49:13And now, Lady Cormorant, we await developments.
49:17You've been most charming.
49:18Thank you, sir.
49:20Hello, dear.
49:21Didn't know you'd taken up smoking.
49:26There's two heathens.
49:28They're there.
49:29They're there.
49:29Excuse me.
49:36Excuse me.
49:37I'm glad everyone has happened.
49:39I don't know.
49:40Cigars, I should think.
49:41Despite the fact that you successfully completed your assignment,
49:51you were warned before you set up that on no account were you to break any laws.
49:55The list of the laws you did break is so long that you might as well undergo the ordeal only once.
50:00That is when it is read at your court's marshal.
50:04Are we to be charged with all of them, sir?
50:06To keep things tidy, there will be only one major charge and one minor charge.
50:11The major charge is being pressed by Lady Cormorant.
50:13In that you did break and enter her house, cause it to be wrecked, and cause certain injury of an unspecified nature to her person.
50:22The minor charge, in a way, is a bit more serious for you, in that it involves Brigadier Tankard.
50:28Brigadier Tankard, sir, but we never did anything to him, sir.
50:32Apparently, because of certain of your activities in this mission,
50:35he caused the false arrest of a UN diplomat, a Dr. Polk.
50:40Fortunately, Dr. Polk was able to prove his identity and was released within 24 hours.
50:44But unfortunately for you, he is now trying to get Brigadier Tankard's scalp nailed to the floor of the war office,
50:50and the Brigadier isn't very happy about it.
50:53May we ask when the court-martial is to be convened, sir?
50:56As soon as Lady Cormorant has recovered enough to attend, she will be the major witness against you.
51:01Lord Cormorant is not available.
51:04He has just embarked on a world lecture tour to explain how he solved the recent Middle East border dispute.
51:09Uh, what about the Cormorant's niece, Stella?
51:13She has declined to appear as a witness either for or against you.
51:17But look at all the good Ted and Charlie did.
51:19They brought those two countries together, and with all the publicity,
51:23my mission is simply bulging with the nations.
51:25We can stay open.
51:26I consider that a rather doubtful benefit.
51:29But Aunt Victoria...
51:30Oh, I refuse to discuss it any longer.
51:32I shall go to the court-martial, and I shall press my charges to the fullest.
51:44Hello?
51:46Who?
51:48Oh, oh yes.
51:50I swear that the evidence I am about to give shall be the truth, the whole truth.
51:58Aunt Victoria, may I see you for a moment?
52:00Stella, I am about to give my testimony.
52:02I haven't finished swearing yet.
52:03Oh, good.
52:05It's urgent.
52:06I must see you immediately.
52:07Will the MPs remove this young lady from the court?
52:10No, Aunt Victoria.
52:11Put me down.
52:12I'm a civilian.
52:13I'm Lady Cormorant's niece.
52:15Aunt Victoria, it's urgent.
52:16And I must see you immediately and alone.
52:18Oh, what a difficult child you are.
52:21Do hang on to this for a moment.
52:23There's the dear boy.
52:24Come along.
52:24But the court-martial is in session.
52:26Oh, shush.
52:28What insolence?
52:30The ambassador to these people.
52:31Mrs. Bush, don't you...
52:33Now, what is it?
52:35Aunt Victoria, I found a witness to disprove your charges against Ted and Charlie.
52:39Rubbish.
52:40I saw the trouble they caused with my own two eyes.
52:43Yes.
52:43Well, this witness has only got one eye, but...
52:46Well, he says that if the court-martial doesn't take his word against yours,
52:50the newspapers will be only too happy to print his testimony.
52:54In fact, I've got his testimony here.
52:56Would you like to see it before it's published?
53:02All right.
53:03Are you ready to give your evidence now, Lady Cormorant?
53:14I wish to make it known
53:15that the only circumstance in which I shall enter the witness box
53:19is for the purpose of testifying
53:22that Brother Deer Tankard's allegations about the defendants
53:27are wrong.
53:30The real culprit of that affair
53:32was my husband, Lord Cormorant,
53:35who mercifully isn't in the army,
53:37or he would have been put away years ago.
53:40But what about your own charges, Lady Cormorant?
53:43I withdraw everyone.
53:48Both defendants came to the party at my husband's invitation,
53:52an invitation that was never specifically withdrawn.
53:56Good day, gentlemen.
54:02Brigadier Tankard.
54:05No one's leaving me out on a limb alone.
54:07I withdraw my charges too.
54:11Prisoners?
54:14You are discharged.
54:22Pretty good indoor photographer, isn't he?
54:24Probably make a good officer too,
54:25providing he gets a good wife
54:27to keep him out of mischief.
54:29Come on.
54:32Oh, sir,
54:33how did I come out?
54:35Lucky.
54:36Very lucky.
54:37Very lucky.
54:39Joe,
54:56nice.
55:00Delicious.
55:01Uh-huh.
55:02Cheers.
55:02Cheers.
55:03Cheers.
55:03Cheers.
55:04Cheers.
55:05Cheers.
55:05Ladies.
55:06Cheers.
55:08This is nice.
55:08Thanks.