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00:00.
00:30Let's go.
01:00And that's the Mew Mew Mewy from Pelvic Thrust, riding high at 37 in the Hot Hunger.
01:17You're tuned in, turned on and being tantalised by Ricky Wind, your OK DJ.
01:24Right off.
01:26Right off, stupid twit.
01:28George, leave it on. I want to know what time...
01:33This job is called.
01:36They talk rubbish, Mildred.
01:38Alvar Liddell, now he knew how to speak proper.
01:41Last night, our bombers attacked the marshalling yards in Dusseldorf, inflicting severe damage.
01:48Now that was real entertainment.
01:50It's ten o'clock.
01:51Thank you. Wages.
01:53Oh.
01:54I didn't do the full three days at the betting shop this week.
01:58I know, George. On Tuesday, you couldn't find your socks.
02:00No.
02:02Well, it came open in my pocket.
02:03Hmm.
02:06Ha, ha, ha.
02:07There's a pound missing, George.
02:09What can you tell?
02:11There's always a pound missing. Hand it over.
02:14I was saving up for something.
02:16But you're not going to tell me what it is, are you, George?
02:18Isn't a man entitled to a bit of privacy?
02:20Not when he's married.
02:21I'm off to the...
02:22Here's one.
02:27Two weeks in San Maritz, eh?
02:28Fourteen days, shushing down the pist.
02:32I might even get in a bit of skiing.
02:34No, I just want to strip off and lie in the sun.
02:36Ah, Dodger, you're liable to get ski tracks either side of your belly button.
02:40On a beach.
02:42In Torremolinos.
02:43No, no way.
02:44The sand scrapes the paint off the skis.
02:45No, come on.
02:46San Maritz.
02:47Now, just think of it.
02:47The sparkling slopes, the dramatic mountain peaks.
02:50The cool, clean smell of the anaesthetic.
02:52The snowy white plaster cast on your leg.
02:54Listen, I've learnt how to fall without hurting myself.
02:57It comes from years of drinking.
03:01Morning.
03:01Morning.
03:02No, right, it's up to you.
03:03She wants the sand, I want the mountain peaks.
03:05Oh, well, compromise.
03:06We go to a very steep beach.
03:09I've already bought things for my holiday.
03:11I look ridiculous perched on top of a mountain,
03:13wearing flippers and a snorkel.
03:14Morning, all.
03:15Ah, holidays, eh?
03:17You decided where we're going, yeah?
03:19Oh, God, he's not coming too, is he?
03:21Oh, well, actually, yes, I was going to mention that, you see.
03:23I mean, it would be cheaper if the four of us share a villa.
03:26A villa?
03:26Or a mountain chalet.
03:28I mean, you know, I must admit that he is the last person you'd want to share a holiday with.
03:32Oh, it's nice to feel welcome.
03:34But, I mean, it would be cheaper.
03:35I know his type on the beach.
03:37He steals your suntan lotion off, do you put it on?
03:40Sorry, Larry.
03:41Ah, don't be like that.
03:42I was really looking forward to coming away with you to, um, to, uh...
03:47Torremolinos?
03:48Torremolinos, yeah, yeah.
03:50He can come.
03:51Three to one, you're outvoted.
03:52You burk.
03:55There's a lot of talent in San Maritz.
03:57Yeah, there might be plenty of burrs, but think of all them zips you've got to undo.
04:00And those skis done half tear the sheets, you know?
04:02Yes, I know, Larry, don't you?
04:05Ah, think of all that crumpet on the beach in Torremolinos.
04:07Yeah, so think of all those local bronze studs doing their handstands, showing off their tan.
04:13I mean, what chance do I look in like a whitewashed milk bottle?
04:17You're not all that bad.
04:18Listen, the last time I was on a beach, three people went down with snow blindness.
04:21But by the time I get a tan, the holiday's over.
04:24Well, you can buy stuff to rub on to make your brown.
04:26Yeah?
04:27Bisto, that's very good.
04:30Where are you off now?
04:31I'm off the Torremolinos, aren't I?
04:33First, I'm going down to see what's in the post.
04:34Oh, morning, Mr. Rober.
04:48Oh, morning, son.
04:49There's nothing worse steaming home.
04:50Oh, no.
04:52Can you spare a minute?
04:54Come inside.
04:59I'll come straight to the point, Robin.
05:00Larry.
05:00Larry.
05:02I need some money.
05:03Well, I'm saving up.
05:05So I've decided to sell something.
05:07And, well, I thought of you.
05:09You can't sell me.
05:12No, no, no.
05:13I thought there might be something you'd like to buy.
05:15For money, I mean.
05:16Well, there must be something you're short on.
05:18Yeah, there is.
05:18I'm short of money.
05:19Yeah.
05:19Now, come here.
05:20Listen, listen.
05:21What?
05:22Yeah.
05:24Would you like to buy a wireless?
05:25Yes?
05:26You're tuned in to the Ricky Wynn Show.
05:30Well, that is for pleasure.
05:32Well, there are some good programs on.
05:33He's not always on.
05:35I've already got a wireless, Mr. Rober.
05:36Oh.
05:37Yeah, well, wait a minute.
05:39Hey, hey.
05:39Here.
05:39Come here.
05:41What about a sewing machine?
05:43I don't do a lot of sewing.
05:45Well, you could take it up.
05:47Give you something to do while listening to the wireless.
05:48Nah, sorry.
05:49Well, let's have a look in here.
05:51Oh, hey.
05:52Here.
05:52What about this, then, eh?
05:54Yeah.
05:55Hey.
05:55Uh.
05:56Yeah, it's a reading, then.
05:57Sunray lamp.
05:58Yeah, that as well.
06:01Sunray?
06:02Hey, they're good for you, aren't they?
06:03They make you brown.
06:04All those ultra-violent rays.
06:07Brown, yeah.
06:09Yeah, how much?
06:09Oh, very brown.
06:13Oh, money, you mean?
06:15Uh, yeah.
06:16Well, uh, shall we say five quid?
06:18Ten quid, and it's yours, mate.
06:20It's just what you need, isn't it?
06:21There's goggles to go with it.
06:22Yeah, but, Larry, where did you actually get it?
06:24It's a family heirloom, isn't it?
06:26I forgot I had it.
06:27That's been in my family since 1830, that is.
06:31Larry, they didn't have electricity in 1830.
06:33That's why it's in such good nick.
06:36Now, you think of it.
06:37A couple of weeks using that, you'll be golden brown all over.
06:40Like a crisp with legs.
06:41Look, I'll tell you what.
06:42How about you...
06:43How about you lending it to me for a couple of weeks?
06:45Nah, sorry.
06:46Got no machinery for lending things.
06:48Do you, uh, do you want it or not?
06:49Well, it's very tempting.
06:50I mean, I've got these white trunks, you know, that would show it off.
06:53You know, the brown, I mean.
06:54Yeah, especially the legs.
06:55Oh, the legs, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:56And the body, eh?
06:57All brown and sexy.
06:59Oh, stop it.
06:59I'll be getting into fancy.
07:01Yeah.
07:02So are all the girls.
07:02The girls on the beach of Torremolinos.
07:04Yeah, well, you just give us the 12 quid and we'll, uh...
07:06Uh, 10.
07:0710 quid.
07:08Oh, yeah, yeah.
07:09Sorry.
07:09A slip at a time.
07:11Well, we don't have to go to Spain.
07:15I mean, we could go to France or Italy.
07:18Pizza.
07:19Hmm.
07:20Pizza's nice, but niece is nicer.
07:23Say that again.
07:25I don't think I could.
07:27Right, girls.
07:28Girls.
07:29Now, listen to me.
07:30Right.
07:32I give you fair warning.
07:34I am about to strip off.
07:36Now, anybody who does not want to witness this exciting event has two minutes to head to the beach.
07:40Where did you get that?
07:41No, you're supposed to say that after I've taken them off.
07:47Come on, Larry, upstairs.
07:49Larry?
07:49Yeah.
07:49Well, take it out.
07:50We're not having stolen property in here.
07:52Do you know, you're very hard on Larry.
07:54Larry, he's got this framed certificate on his wall commending him for all the good work he's done for charity.
07:58Has he?
07:58Yeah, he nicked it from the junk shop.
08:01Well, if you are going to use it, my houseplants could do with a bit of sunshine.
08:04Oh, yeah, there's some tomatoes on the window ledge that need ripening.
08:07Oh, yes.
08:08And I tell you what, why don't you get the frozen joint out of the fridge and I could thaw it off on my stomach?
08:12Oh, good idea.
08:14Bloody hell.
08:17Four, five.
08:19Here, that should do nicely.
08:24Oh, George, I'm home.
08:26Yeah, well, I'm just off out.
08:27George, why is it when I come in, you always go out?
08:30We're like that little old man and woman and the weather clock.
08:32Yeah, me, me, me, me.
08:34George, I have something to say.
08:36Yeah, all right, well, you carry on then.
08:38To you.
08:38Get in there.
08:39Now, George, I've been thinking, I've been thinking that I have been a little harsh to you, you know, not letting you have any money to save up for something.
08:52Ah.
08:53Yes.
08:54Now, George, this something.
08:57Would it be in the area of jewellery?
09:00A sort of small token for a loved one?
09:03No.
09:06Oh, well, um, would it be chocolatey or flower-like?
09:13No.
09:14Then you're not having it yourself, it's a damn word.
09:24Listen, do you think they're going to know that it's not the real son?
09:27Well, I won't tell them if you don't.
09:28All right, then.
09:29Hey!
09:50You, too, can have a body like twine.
09:53Makes you want to kick sand in his face.
09:56Oh, do sit down.
09:57Do you know, I'm amazed the way you two girls control that animal passion that must be seething up inside of you.
10:05Dude, there are plenty of girls who would melt at the sight of these rippling mussels.
10:10Oh!
10:11Excuse me, dears.
10:13I've just come in to return the...
10:15Oh!
10:17Oh!
10:19Oh, I say.
10:23Sugar.
10:24I was, uh, just doing a spot of sun-feeling.
10:28Yes.
10:29You look a bit like Tarzan in the middle of all that lot.
10:33Oh, class, yes.
10:36Joe, the lamp.
10:38Right, now, how would you like yourself?
10:41Rare, medium or well done?
10:43Oh, don't encourage it.
10:44Too much of it's bad for you.
10:45Isn't that right?
10:46I wouldn't know, love.
10:49Well, it is.
10:51Actually, you know, if you had two of those, you could do your back and front at the same time.
10:55Yeah, that's the way they do Kentucky Fried Chicken.
10:59He'd be finger-licking good.
11:01Oh, yeah, that reminds me.
11:03I've got a sun-ray lamp.
11:04Really?
11:05Yeah.
11:05He's tucked away downstairs somewhere.
11:07Here, I'll go and dig it out.
11:09I won't be in with it.
11:09Oh, that would be marvellous.
11:15Green fly?
11:22Oh, George, have you seen my sun-ray lamp?
11:26Eh?
11:27You know, the one my sister gave me, because it was getting dusty.
11:30What, the one with a scratcher's off the back?
11:32Yeah.
11:33No, no, no, I've never seen it.
11:36Are you sure?
11:37Oh, how dare you accuse me of whatever it is.
11:42I'm tired of your...
11:43I'm your husband, Mildred.
11:44If you can't trust me, then it's a poor lookout.
11:47Perhaps you'd like me to swear on the Bible, would you, eh?
11:49No, no, Dad, don't be silly, George.
11:51No, come on, would you?
11:53Then perhaps you'll believe me.
11:54Oh, all right then, George.
11:56If it makes you feel any better, go ahead.
12:00Eh?
12:02Go on.
12:03Just say, I do not know what has happened to Mildred's lamp.
12:10I don't know what's happened to Mildred's lamp.
12:13You don't fool God by mumbling, George.
12:17I said, I don't know what's happened to a rotten lamp.
12:19Oh, well, I simply cannot understand it.
12:21I've been right the way through this flat.
12:23I can only think that somebody's come in and taken it.
12:25No.
12:26Yes, they have.
12:26Somebody has come in here and taken it.
12:28Nobody would do that.
12:29That'd be stealing.
12:30I know that.
12:31Yeah, but what do you want it for, anyway?
12:33Well, Mr Tripper's got a sunray lamp upstairs and he's...
12:35Oh.
12:38Oh, George.
12:41It's him, Mr Tripp.
12:43He's got it.
13:03Are you telling me he's got a sunray lamp as well?
13:05As well as who?
13:06As well as you.
13:07Oh, no, you haven't got one, have you?
13:09That's what I'm telling you, George.
13:11Mr Tripp, he's got it.
13:13At least I think he's got it.
13:16Oh, no.
13:17I mean, he wouldn't do a thing like that.
13:20No, not Mr Tripp.
13:21No, I mean, Mr Tripp is not a thief.
13:23You ought to be ashamed of yourself thinking things like that.
13:26What?
13:27What am I doing?
13:28Hmm.
13:29Difficult to tell.
13:30If you were a sausage, I could stick a fork in you.
13:33Yeah, it's pretty boring just laying here.
13:35Couldn't you sort of, you know, make rabbits on my chest?
13:38You know, just sort of pass the time.
13:39Certainly not.
13:40He wants me to make rabbits on his chest.
13:43Dirty devil.
13:44Am I getting any browner?
13:49Well, you've only been under there for a few minutes.
13:51What do you expect?
13:52Instant Harry Belafonte?
13:54Excuse me, dear.
13:56It's me again.
13:57Oh, I say.
13:58Isn't that bright?
13:59Um, I'm afraid I couldn't find my sunray lamp, dear.
14:02Oh, well, never mind.
14:03We'll have to make do with one.
14:04We can turn him round on a spit.
14:06Yes.
14:07Um, it's a pity, really, you know.
14:09Because, um, my sunray lamp was in very, very good condition.
14:13You know, apart from a little scratch on the back of the, uh...
14:18Oh.
14:19Now, Jo, Jo, can you get me a bit of cardboard?
14:21In case my nose starts peeling.
14:22Oh, yes.
14:23We've got an empty cornflakes packet.
14:25It's not that big.
14:28Do you mind my asking, Mr. Tripp, how long have you had it?
14:34Well, ever since I was born, actually.
14:38No, I...
14:39I meant the lamp.
14:40Oh, the answer, sorry, sir.
14:41I got it off Larry about half an hour upstairs.
14:43Larry?
14:44Mm.
14:45Of course I might have known it's him.
14:50George.
14:51George.
14:52It is my lamp.
14:53And now I know who took it.
14:55It's a lie.
14:57It's that Mr. Simmons upstairs.
14:59Oh, oh, yeah.
15:00And as soon as he gets home, I'm gonna have it out with him.
15:02Oh, no, wait a minute.
15:04They tell lies, these sunray lamp thieves.
15:06And anyway, you need proof, like footprints.
15:11George, I'm accusing him of stealing it, not dancing on it.
15:15Anyway, you can't just accuse him outright.
15:17Try the subtle approach.
15:18What's that?
15:19Forget the old thing.
15:20Oh.
15:21That young man comes into my home.
15:23He rummages through my drawers.
15:25Through my cupboard.
15:27And you expect me to forget it?
15:29Oh, there he is, George.
15:30Yeah, wait a minute.
15:31This is the man's job, Mildred.
15:33Leave this to me.
15:34No, no, no, no, no, no.
15:36I'll deal with it.
15:37I want to work with you, young man.
15:40Yeah, fire away.
15:41Upstairs, you say?
15:42Very well.
15:43But we'll go upstairs.
15:44What?
15:45I think you may know what this is all about.
15:51Go on.
15:52What I've got to say may not be pleasant, but it's got to be said.
15:58Well, say it, then.
15:59It's not much weather for the time of year, isn't it?
16:00Was that it?
16:01Yeah, well, more or less.
16:02Why couldn't you have said that down in the hall?
16:03Ah, yeah, well, she'd have heard me, see.
16:04And you don't want her to know?
16:05No, no.
16:06Yes, well, it's been very pleasant, but I can't stand here talking to you.
16:11George!
16:12Well, I'll see you about, then.
16:13It's no use you snivelling, son.
16:14Don't let this happen again.
16:15Do you hear me?
16:16Nice to talk to you, son.
16:17What a funny man.
16:18Well, did he admit taking it, George?
16:20Oh, yeah.
16:21Yeah, see, yeah.
16:22Yeah, see, yeah.
16:23I've got to talk to you.
16:24Why couldn't you have said that down in the hall?
16:25Why couldn't you have said that down in the hall?
16:27Ah, yeah, well, she'd have heard me, see.
16:28And you don't want her to know?
16:29No, no.
16:30Yes, well, it's been very pleasant, but I can't stand here talking to you.
16:32George!
16:33Well, I'll see you about, then.
16:36It's no use you snivelling, son.
16:37Don't let this happen again, do you hear me?
16:39Did he admit taking it, George?
16:41Oh, yeah.
16:42Yes, he broke down and confessed.
16:45Yes, in tears he was.
16:47He's got to go.
16:48Ah, no, we can't be harsh on him, Mildred.
16:51I mean, he's an orphan, from a broken home.
16:55He's not had a lot of love.
16:56Neither have I, but I don't go around stealing lamps.
17:00Well, it's better to give than to receive.
17:02Well, we didn't give it to him, George.
17:04He nicked it.
17:05Anyway, if we label him a tea leaf,
17:07how do you think his poor old grey-haired mum and dad are going to feel?
17:10You just said they were dead.
17:12Well, it doesn't mean they haven't got any feelings.
17:15Forgive and forget, I say.
17:17Yes, well, I don't know.
17:19I'll think about it.
17:21But now I'm going to get my lamp.
17:23Wait a minute.
17:24I'll get it.
17:27You make a nice cuppa, hey?
17:29No, if you go on holiday looking too brown,
17:40we may have to smuggle you back into the country.
17:43Right, right.
17:45Now, that will do for the time being,
17:48but tomorrow I shall tag myself in a place where I haven't tagged myself today.
17:53Where?
17:56There.
17:58Hey, what about this?
17:59Villa.
18:00Sleeps for overlooking the sea, overlooking the sand.
18:04Overlooking the price.
18:05But we're going to be splitting it.
18:07You're paying half, I'm paying half,
18:08Larry's paying half and Joan's paying half.
18:10That's 200%.
18:11So, we're making a profit.
18:14Afternoon.
18:19Afternoon.
18:20It's nice weather for the time of year.
18:23It's pouring down.
18:25Yeah, outside.
18:27I mean, in here, it's nice.
18:30Yeah.
18:31Yeah.
18:32Well, enough of that chit-chat.
18:33I want to borrow your wass name for a bit.
18:35Mainly to keep Mildred happy.
18:37You want to borrow my wass name?
18:48What do you think?
18:49I don't know.
18:50You'll never get it downstairs.
18:51Not without taking the wheels off.
18:53No, no, no.
18:54Of course, it might bend the aerial a bit.
18:56Then we'd never get any ice cubes.
18:57Yeah.
18:58No, no, no, no, no.
18:59I'm talking about that.
19:00You see that?
19:01Oh, the wass name.
19:03You should have said.
19:04Yes, but I'll need it back later.
19:06Right.
19:07That's all right.
19:08It'll all be blown over by then.
19:09Oh.
19:10Not well.
19:11I don't know.
19:12The fine weather.
19:15Mildred.
19:16I've got it back.
19:17Mildred.
19:20Mildred.
19:22Well, I don't know about you.
19:24It seems to be doing my plants some good.
19:26Yeah, and me.
19:27Come the spring, there'll be a mass of blossoms under there.
19:29You know, I can already feel my sap...
19:32...rising.
19:33Hey, I think one of them started to come out.
19:36Yes.
19:39What?
19:41Listen, have you finished?
19:42Because I'd like to sunbathe.
19:43What a great idea.
19:45Well, that doesn't lead very much to the imagination.
19:48If you've got it, let the air get to it.
19:50Oh, you're so right.
19:53Anyway, the one you bought shows even more.
19:55Has it?
19:57Er, Chrissie, why don't you do a little spot of sunbathe?
20:01Well, I'd quite like to if we had a lamp.
20:03Ah, a lamp? Yes.
20:04Er, no problem.
20:05I'll pop down and get.
20:06You see, the thing is, I mean, if you keep the top half on,
20:09well, you get white marks.
20:11Yeah, nasty thing, white marks.
20:12I say no to white marks.
20:14And I need someone to rub my suntan oil in.
20:17Suntan oil? Yes.
20:18Yes, no problem.
20:19Well, it's all fitting into place.
20:22Don't get dressed!
20:23Did you see that?
20:25There was steam coming out of his ears.
20:30Er, hello? Hello, is anybody there?
20:32Ah.
20:33Er, hello?
20:35Yeah, I've got it back now, Mildred, so let's forget the old thing, eh?
20:38Well, I don't know, George.
20:39I mean, young people these days seem to have no respect for other people's property.
20:43Hello there.
20:45Just taking the lamp.
20:46Why, Mr Tripp?
20:48Well, because I want it, you see.
20:49Oh, my God.
20:50Look, that does not belong to Mr Simmonds, you know.
20:53No, no, no, it's mine.
20:54See ya.
20:57George!
20:59Yeah, well, perhaps he's an orphan as well, Mildred.
21:04Right, I'll just plug it in.
21:05Oh, I'm all thumbs up.
21:09Oh, God.
21:10There we are.
21:14Right, just squeeze in the middle of you two.
21:16I'll just have a few more minutes myself.
21:18Can't you all go?
21:19Yes, I know.
21:21Oh, I'll tell you what.
21:23Sun lotion.
21:24Right.
21:25Now, er...
21:26Who's first?
21:27We've done it.
21:28Oh, well.
21:30Afternoon.
21:31Any chance of borrowing?
21:35Oh, dear.
21:37What a lovely pair.
21:39And another lovely pair.
21:42Oh, you can get them in Woolies.
21:43Only £1.50.
21:45Oh, yeah.
21:47I thought it might be you.
21:48You've got a nose for this sort of thing.
21:49What do you want?
21:50I've forgotten.
21:52Can I stay and watch?
21:53Oh, yeah, be my guest.
21:54Ah, you're a mate.
22:00Excuse me, Mr Tripp, but I am taking this sun ray lamp.
22:03Eh?
22:04You can't do that.
22:05I'm very sorry about your parents, Mr Simmons.
22:07Why?
22:08What's happened to you?
22:10But this is going to be a lot you can ask me.
22:12I may let you have it for short periods.
22:15Mr Tripp, you astonish me.
22:18I mean, I understand him stealing it, but you...
22:20Hang about.
22:21I bought that off Mr Roper.
22:23Bought it?
22:24Yeah, five quid.
22:25There you are.
22:26How much?
22:28Oh, yeah.
22:29George!
22:32Mildred?
22:33George, you swore to me you didn't know what happened to my lamp.
22:36You swore to me on the Bible.
22:38Ah, no.
22:39It's Mrs Beaton's world cookery book.
22:45You still sold my property.
22:47Only for money, Mildred.
22:49Well, you wouldn't let me have any and I needed some.
22:51What for?
22:53More of your mucky little magazines, I suppose.
22:55No, no.
22:56I needed it for a deposit for a week's holiday.
23:00A second honeymoon for you and me.
23:02What?
23:04I went to book it this afternoon.
23:06Same town, same hotel, same...
23:08same bedroom.
23:10It was meant to be a surprise.
23:12I know I don't give you much.
23:13But, George, I didn't know...
23:15I thought it might bring us a little closer together
23:17than we have been for some time.
23:19Oh, George.
23:21When do we go?
23:23Ah.
23:25Yeah, well, it was shut, you see.
23:28And you know the betting shop is next door to the shopping agency.
23:32Well, there was this horse running, you see, Mildred's treat.
23:34Well, if it had one, we'd have had a fortnight...
23:36I know...
23:46I know.
23:49I know.
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