The "Let Them Theory" is so simple, you’re going to get it immediately.
In this episode, you will hear some great stories and examples to explain this theory, as well as the three very different ways you can use it.
Bottom line: When you "Let Them" do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life.
Xo Mel
In this episode, you'll learn:
00:00 Intro
05:26 My over-functioning anxiety kicked in; until this happened.
09:37 Dr. Amy Johnson gives the best metaphor that explains our need to control.
09:20 Why do we get so upset about what we can’t do a damn thing about?
12:28 Two reasons why your parents and partners are so controlling.
14:41 These three reasons explain why we try to control.
18:05 There are times like these when the “Let Them” rule does NOT apply.
24:23 Can you relate to this listener who’s worn down from her expectations?
28:00 Stop making up stories about why people do what they do, and just ask.
30:50 When you’re constantly rescuing people, here’s what you teach them.
37:48 Are you actually in a relationship with a real person, or a vision?
39:57 One way we try to control someone is through jealousy.
43:06 Growing apart from a good friend? Here’s how to handle it.
46:08 It’s not your responsibility to make sure everyone else is never hurt.
#lettinggo #letgo #letthemtheory #podcast #mindfulpresence #lifecoach #melrobbins #lifecoaching #relationship #selfhealingcommunity
In this episode, you will hear some great stories and examples to explain this theory, as well as the three very different ways you can use it.
Bottom line: When you "Let Them" do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life.
Xo Mel
In this episode, you'll learn:
00:00 Intro
05:26 My over-functioning anxiety kicked in; until this happened.
09:37 Dr. Amy Johnson gives the best metaphor that explains our need to control.
09:20 Why do we get so upset about what we can’t do a damn thing about?
12:28 Two reasons why your parents and partners are so controlling.
14:41 These three reasons explain why we try to control.
18:05 There are times like these when the “Let Them” rule does NOT apply.
24:23 Can you relate to this listener who’s worn down from her expectations?
28:00 Stop making up stories about why people do what they do, and just ask.
30:50 When you’re constantly rescuing people, here’s what you teach them.
37:48 Are you actually in a relationship with a real person, or a vision?
39:57 One way we try to control someone is through jealousy.
43:06 Growing apart from a good friend? Here’s how to handle it.
46:08 It’s not your responsibility to make sure everyone else is never hurt.
#lettinggo #letgo #letthemtheory #podcast #mindfulpresence #lifecoach #melrobbins #lifecoaching #relationship #selfhealingcommunity
Category
🛠️
LifestyleTranscript
00:00I shared something in an Instagram post less than a week ago.
00:07There are over 14 million views of this thing,
00:10which always tells me when something goes that viral that it strikes a nerve.
00:15And that's what we're going to talk about in today's episode, the let them theory.
00:19My mom and dad don't want to come to Thanksgiving, let them.
00:22My son or daughter doesn't want to go to medical school, let them.
00:25My roommates don't want to do dry January with me, let them.
00:28And stop trying to force other people to do what you want them to do.
00:34Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
00:39I have something so cool to share with you and I know you're going to love it
00:42because I shared something called the let them theory in an Instagram post less than a week ago.
00:49And I just looked it up.
00:51There are over 14 million views of this thing,
00:53which always tells me when something goes that viral that it strikes a nerve.
00:59And in this post, it's just a quick selfie video and I'm explaining what's called the let them theory.
01:05It is a game changer and that's what we're going to talk about in today's episode.
01:08But to just tee this up, since this went so viral,
01:12I want you to hear what I said in this selfie video on Instagram.
01:16Check this out.
01:17I just heard about this thing called the let them theory.
01:20I freaking love this.
01:21If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them.
01:26If the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them.
01:33If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them.
01:40So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.
01:48And the truth is, if somebody, especially somebody you're dating or who's a friend or somebody you're trying to partner with in business,
01:55if they are not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change.
02:00Let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you.
02:05Just let them.
02:07And then you get to choose what you do next.
02:11The let them theory.
02:13It's so obvious.
02:14And once you learn it, you are going to use it so many times a day.
02:20You will.
02:20It's just going to blow your mind because the let them theory is going to allow you to detach yourself from the things that cause a lot of struggle and angst and emotion to come up.
02:32When you get controlling, the let them theory also allows you to let go of the reins
02:38and give space for other people to take responsibility.
02:44Let them do it.
02:45And finally, what you're going to learn is that the let them theory, it is incredible because when you let somebody just be who they actually are
02:55and you stop trying to make them something else, you realize in so many friendships and so many relationships, you actually are in love with their potential.
03:04You're not in a relationship with who the person really is.
03:07And you've been so busy controlling and trying to change them that you don't even recognize that you're in a relationship with their potential.
03:16And when you let somebody be who they actually are, wow, it allows you to understand who you're actually dealing with.
03:25So I can give you a quick example of the let them theory in play because it works for things big and small.
03:31And I will tell you, this is something that I have to use all the time.
03:36Just this weekend, it was our son Oakley's prom.
03:39He's a junior in high school and here we are in Southern Vermont and I'm used to doing prom a certain way
03:46because we raised our daughters outside of Boston in a suburban town.
03:50They're also daughters, so they were more controlling.
03:53They were organizing everything.
03:55It was a community where I knew all the families, all the kids, the traditions were locked in.
04:01Everybody knows everybody else.
04:02And so here we are in this new town in Southern Vermont and Oakley's going to the prom with somebody we've never met, don't know her parents.
04:12We don't know any of the traditions here and it doesn't seem like there are a lot of them, honestly.
04:17But one of the traditions that was present is that there were girls that were organizing groups of people to come to their house for pre-parm photos.
04:27So we go to this person's house and it was really great, great to meet everybody, didn't know a soul there.
04:33We get there and I'm standing there with Oakley and it starts to rain.
04:38And not just rain, it is like a torrential downpour.
04:43The kind of storm where you go, that really sucks.
04:47You know, it really sucks.
04:49Like you are going to look like you have taken a shower if you walk out the front door of this house and try to walk 20 feet through this rain to get to your car.
05:00That's how hard it was pouring rain.
05:03And so they're standing there and it's about five o'clock at night.
05:05Prom starts at seven and the kids start talking.
05:09So what do you want to do for dinner?
05:11And I look at Oakley and I say, you guys don't have a reservation somewhere?
05:16He goes, no.
05:19And I then said, well, what are you going to do?
05:22Do you want me to call?
05:23And I start then jumping in, right?
05:25And over-functioning with my anxiety, which we have talked about before on this podcast, the do-do-do.
05:31And the kids are kind of gathering around and somebody goes, well, why don't we go to Avocado Pit?
05:36Now, Avocado Pit, just to put this in context, is this amazing little amazing taco place, right?
05:44It's got maybe six tables in it.
05:47It's tiny.
05:48It's like the size of one stall of a garage.
05:51So we're talking one car parking place.
05:54And there are 20 kids in tuxedos and long dresses, dressed to the nines.
06:00It is a torrential downpour outside.
06:03And their plans for prom are to go to a fast casual joint in the center of town that could maybe have six of them standing inside.
06:11And I immediately start going, you can't go to Avocado Pit.
06:16You're going to get wet.
06:18I am controlling.
06:19I'm that person.
06:21And my daughter turns to me and she says, mom, if they want to go to Avocado Pit, let them.
06:30It's his prom.
06:32It's not your prom.
06:33Let them.
06:34And when she said, let them, it's as if I just went hands off.
06:40It was this little cue that was like, okay, you're doing that thing.
06:44Just turn from controlling everything, Mel, and let the current of what's happening take you in a different direction.
06:53And immediately what happens when you adopt the let them theory is that you are able to catch yourself when you're controlling people and you don't need to be.
07:04You are able to drop into a more surrender, peaceful feeling instead of letting your emotions rev you up.
07:13And it kind of begs the question, right, because I've been thinking about this.
07:16Why did the let them theory, why is it so resonant for people?
07:20Why did 14 million people in a matter of a week watch and share that video?
07:26Well, I'll tell you why.
07:27It's because every single one of us struggles with controlling behavior or we struggle with controlling thoughts.
07:34And the let them theory is a way that you can check yourself so that you're controlling nature or you're controlling or obsessive thoughts don't control you.
07:46Because the reason why we do this, we control other people or we just can't let it go.
07:52Like if you've ever been in a situation where maybe your buddies organize a golf trip and they don't include you.
07:57Or the women in your life go away for a weekend and you're not invited.
08:01Or a friend.
08:03A friend that you adore is dating a real asshole.
08:06Somebody who's horrible for them.
08:09Let them.
08:09I mean, how much does you worrying about it, how is that going to change anything?
08:15It's not.
08:16How does spending 200 hours talking to your friend about this horrible person over and over and over, how does that help?
08:23It doesn't.
08:24Let them.
08:26If somebody's firing you, let them.
08:29If your company's going through layoffs, let them.
08:31It is so liberating when you drop the sword, when you just let go.
08:40And there's this really interesting analogy that's going to help you that comes from a psychologist.
08:45I've got a ton of notes for this.
08:46You're going to hear me doing my notes because I want to get this right because there's so many tools because this does not come naturally to us.
08:52And I'm going to explain why.
08:54There's a psychologist, Dr. Amy Johnson, who uses this example.
08:58And I think we can keep coming back to this visual.
09:01When you tip into that control mode, and we all do it, I mean, come on, you can kind of go, oh, God, Mel, let the kids get a burrito for crying out loud.
09:10But don't you dare tell me that if the roles were reversed, you wouldn't have questioned the decision to not have a reservation, first of all, before prom.
09:18And secondly, to then want to go to some burrito bar, right, in the middle of a rainstorm.
09:23But I digress.
09:24Here is the visual from Dr. Amy Johnson.
09:26And she says, whenever you go into control mode, imagine that you are in a tiny, tiny boat and you're paddling upstream.
09:34You are paddling against the current.
09:36It is hard to paddle against the current.
09:38It is a fight.
09:39That is what it feels like when you're controlling other people, right, or you're trying to control them.
09:45That's what it felt like for me at this pre-pom party.
09:49Because as these kids are casually talking about driving over to the avocado pit and grabbing a bite to eat, I've got my oars.
09:56And I'm fighting against that current.
09:58And I'm like, but, but, but, but, but, but you should have had other things.
10:00But what about this?
10:01But you're going to get your, your, your date's going to get her dressed with.
10:04But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, what the fuck, Mel?
10:06So what Dr. Johnson says is that when you catch yourself doing it, you are fighting against the current.
10:15You are literally paddling up emotion inside of you and resistance and frustration.
10:19Because it's frustrating when you can't control the people around you, right?
10:23It's frustrating.
10:24It doesn't create more control.
10:25It actually makes you feel less in control.
10:28What she says is you must let go and surrender.
10:33And so she'll visualize, just hands off the oars, drop the oars.
10:39And what happens is the boat in that situation, what does it do?
10:44It turns around.
10:45And instead of going upstream, when you drop the oars, the boat naturally just floats downstream with the current of how things are going.
10:56And you will notice the same thing.
10:59That instead of fighting what's happening, you are able to drop the oars and just surrender to what's going on, which creates peace and ease for you.
11:11Because does it matter if Oakley and his friends want to go to the avocado pit?
11:15Of course not.
11:16Who gives a shit?
11:17In fact, it might be the most memorable part of prom.
11:21Standing in the pouring rain, all of them crowded in this restaurant, ordering tacos before the thing.
11:26And so the bigger point here is I don't think any of us are aware of just how much energy and effort and time we waste on shit that we're trying to control.
11:41And the let them theory is a lever that you can pull so you can create more peace and ease and love and all of it in your life so you can float with the current of things instead of battling it so far.
11:53And the reason why we have this controlling nature is, believe it or not, it's a form of anxiety.
12:00When you are overbearing on people, maybe you're an overbearing parent.
12:05We have a lot of people who write into this show whose parents are immigrants to the United States.
12:10And they were completely overbearing.
12:13Why?
12:14Well, because of two reasons.
12:16Number one, they probably had a lot of fears.
12:19There was a lot of uncertainty.
12:20They wanted you to succeed.
12:21They wanted you to fit in.
12:23They wanted you to have the best of everything and more opportunities than they did.
12:26And so they pushed you and pushed you and pushed you and pushed you.
12:29And the second reason why people do that is because they think it's a form of love.
12:33That if I push you, if I look out for the best for you, if I think about all the things that could go wrong and I micromanage you, don't forget your umbrella.
12:40Don't forget your lunch.
12:42Do this.
12:42Do that.
12:43Be this kind of major.
12:44That you think you are looking out for the best for somebody.
12:48But what you're actually doing is you're suffocating people.
12:51The second reason why we are also controlling and why you need the let them theory is because it's easier to focus on other people.
13:00You trick yourself into thinking that you're going to be in control if you can control other people.
13:07It doesn't work that way because you can't control other people.
13:11You can manipulate them.
13:12You can guilt them.
13:14You can shame them.
13:15You can compliment them.
13:17You can love them.
13:18But you can't control them.
13:19Okay.
13:20You can just try to.
13:21The person that you can control is yourself.
13:25And every time you use the let them theory, you immediately reverse the focus of that control on everybody else.
13:34And you turn it back on yourself.
13:36I'll give you an example of that.
13:37Let's say that your friends have gone away this weekend.
13:39Okay.
13:40And your feelings are hurt.
13:42If you sit there and worry about it.
13:44Why did they, it left me out.
13:47I feel left out.
13:47I'm always left out.
13:49What did I do wrong?
13:49Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
13:50Maybe I should text them.
13:52Maybe I should say something.
13:53Maybe I should.
13:54No.
13:55You know what you should do?
13:56You should let them go away.
13:58You should let them go away.
13:59And you should stop focusing on what they're doing.
14:03Because all this obsessing about it and thinking about what you need to do in order to control what's happening, it's not working.
14:11And secondly, it's distracting you from what you really need to do, which is put the focus back on yourself.
14:18As you're sitting there, ask yourself, well, if I'm this upset by it, what do I need to do to make sure that I am proactive about friendships?
14:26That I'm the one organizing these things?
14:28Because that's where the real power is.
14:31And finally, the reason why we engage in such controlling behavior and these obsessive thoughts is because oftentimes it distracts us from the truth.
14:44Oftentimes when you are, you know, I stop and think a little bit about this situation with Oakley and the prom.
14:52And it's really dumb, but there's a very deep underlying thing that was going on.
14:57And I've gone through four prom experiences with our daughters in a public high school outside of Boston.
15:03And it was not like the prom here.
15:08And I think all of the things that felt unfamiliar reminded me that I'm in a new place.
15:17We got home from that pre-prom photo party.
15:20I turned to Chris and I said, you know, I'm really kind of sad because I miss knowing all the kids.
15:27And I miss knowing all the parents.
15:29And I miss seeing kids that I have known since they were in diapers, all grown up in tuxes.
15:35And I think I'm just kind of sad.
15:38And I'm controlling where Oakley is going to eat because that was something that was always part of the prom experience back home.
15:48And so a lot of times the controlling or the obsessing is triggered by the way you think things should be or the way that you're used to things being.
15:58And you're uncomfortable with the uncertainty, which is why you jump in and you do this.
16:05And so that's where the let them theory comes in.
16:07And 99% of the time when you feel yourself trying to control a situation or another human being, I want you to use the let them theory.
16:23I want you to literally say to yourself, my mom and dad don't want to come to Thanksgiving, let them.
16:28My sister-in-law doesn't want to go to so-and-so's baby shower, let her.
16:34My son or daughter doesn't want to go to medical school, let them.
16:38My husband doesn't want to train for this triathlon that I've signed up for, let them.
16:44My roommates don't want to do dry January with me, let them.
16:49Stop trying to force other people to do what you want them to do.
16:53And so much more peace will come into your life.
16:56And you will also take that exact same energy and angst and frustration that you were aiming at your kid going to the avocado pit.
17:03And you will have it to put towards something else.
17:07So it's really powerful.
17:09And that's why I want to take the time to truly unpack this.
17:13So before I tell you the three different ways you can use this, because we're going to break these down,
17:20because I've been very, very surprised by how often I use the let them theory.
17:26And I'm also surprised by the amount of peace, control, and confidence, and love that it brings into my life when I use this with myself, okay?
17:38And when I use this as advice with other people.
17:41I want to give you, though, three caveats, okay?
17:44Because the let them theory is basically where you're going to go, you know, drop the oars.
17:51I'm out.
17:52I'm just going to let you do it.
17:53I'm not going to worry about it.
17:55I'm not going to bitch about it.
17:56I'm not going to try to control it.
17:58I'm just going to let them, okay?
17:59But there's three moments in time where I don't want you to do that, where I want you to step up, okay?
18:05And I want to cover these off the bat, because I know so many of you are going to be like, but what about this?
18:10So let me just say up front, if somebody is doing something dangerous, or they are discriminating against you, do not let them do that.
18:21So, for example, if you've got a buddy or a family member that's had a couple drinks, don't let them get behind the wheel of a car.
18:29That's not a time to drop the oars and just go with the flow.
18:32And so I think that example is very clear.
18:35The second example of where you're not going to just let people do whatever they're going to do, that's where you need to ask for something, or you've got to advocate for your rights.
18:46And I'm going to give you a really important example about this.
18:49Don't ever let somebody determine what they're going to pay you when you get hired.
18:53I'm not kidding about this, and this is really important for you to hear,
18:56because there was a Pew Research study that was done this year in 2023, 60% of people surveyed said in their past job, they didn't even negotiate their salary.
19:07They just let the company pay them whatever.
19:10Do not do that.
19:11Okay, so if you're in a situation where you need to ask for what you need or advocate for yourself, do not let somebody just to decide those things.
19:19Okay, you got to step up and you got to take control in that situation.
19:23And finally, if somebody is continuously crossing your boundaries, don't let them do that.
19:27If you've expressed them, if you've defined them, you need to hold your boundary.
19:32Do not let them just walk all over you like a doormat.
19:35Okay, good.
19:36All right, with those three caveats, we are going to jump into the three specific ways I want you to start using the let them theory.
19:45But before we do that, we're going to hear a short word from our sponsors, because they allow me to bring this to you,
19:51this amazing let them theory in detail, for zero cost.
19:56We love our sponsors.
19:57So let's let them tell you a little bit about why they're so cool.
20:01And then when we return, the three ways you are going to use the let them theory to bring more control and peace back into your life.
20:09But you know what this let them theory does not apply to?
20:12You.
20:14You watching on YouTube.
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20:22Your support is a huge deal.
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20:35And I know that you want to support the show too, because our friends over in podcast land, they're on commercial break.
20:42You and me, I am guilting and controlling you right now to subscribe to the channel.
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20:48Subscribe.
20:49Now let's get back to the show.
20:51Welcome back.
20:52I'm Mel Robbins, and I'm teaching you a theory called the let them theory that is something that I use nonstop.
21:00My kids also use this when I become an overbearing mother.
21:03And I had just explained that the let them theory is used in a moment where you feel yourself ramping up the control.
21:12You're just wrapped around the axle.
21:14Your knickers are in a pinch.
21:15You can't believe so-and-so did such and such.
21:19Or you're just thinking about it.
21:21Why didn't they invite me?
21:22Why does everybody get together?
21:23Why does my roommate always do this?
21:24She was in town and she didn't call me.
21:28Let them.
21:30Let them.
21:32Other people get to be themselves.
21:34Other people get to make decisions.
21:36The let them theory is a way for you to address your own anxiety about uncertainty.
21:41It is a way for you to let people be who they are.
21:46It is a way for you to get out of other people's business and stick to your own business.
21:51And it is a way for you to create emotional peace, to not whip yourself into a frenzy, to not care about things that are really not your concern,
22:01and to stop this reflexive need to control or comment on everyone around you.
22:08I just, you know, when I looked at the post that we did on Instagram, there were 9,800 comments this morning on this thing.
22:16It's only been up for a week.
22:17That's how much has struck a nerve.
22:199,800 comments in one week.
22:22That's incredible.
22:23Here's a great comment.
22:24Let people be who they are because sometimes you need that person that way.
22:30So let them.
22:32It doesn't have to be everything, a bad thing or anything.
22:36It's so true.
22:37I think about that with my husband.
22:38I used to get so annoyed because the guy's a slow processor.
22:44Just really, like you can almost hear the wheels turning as he's thinking about something.
22:50And he asks a lot of questions.
22:53And it used to drive me fucking crazy.
22:56I just would be like, could you spit it out?
22:58You're like, you know, what are you thinking about?
22:59And I realized I need him to be that way because I am moving at the speed of light.
23:09One of us has to have our feet on the ground.
23:11One of us has to be thinking through decisions.
23:13One of us has to make sure that the bills get paid and the dog gets to the vet and that the things that we're doing are thought through.
23:21And so I use the let them theory to just let Chris be who he is and stop making him wrong and stop trying to control him.
23:35And it certainly creates more peace for him.
23:38And it also allows me to be more present.
23:41So let's talk about the three ways that you're going to use the let them theory in your life.
23:47The first one is detachment.
23:50Use the let them theory to detach yourself from the emotional or mental struggle that you can get yourself into.
24:00When you're thinking about either what other people are doing or how things should be going.
24:08And to just tap in to emotional peace.
24:13Sufama, I'm saying it wrong, wrote this on Instagram.
24:15Instagram, I've wasted a lot of time, Mel, and energy feeling inadequate due to my expectations of other people.
24:22It hurts.
24:23Yet I've learned to make the conscious choice to keep doing me regardless of their behavior.
24:28It's fucking hard to be good at this.
24:30It requires practice.
24:31And you know what else I think it requires?
24:33When you realize this strikes a nerve for all of us, that we all have trouble with this, because of course you have expectations.
24:41I'll give you an example.
24:42Have you ever gone to a wedding?
24:43And it's a wedding where a lot of your friends from college or a certain like period of your life are going to be there.
24:50And you're so excited because you think that you're all going to be seated together.
24:56This always happens to me and Chris.
24:58Always.
24:59And you go to the wedding and you go up to that beautiful display that people do now where everybody's cards are like in a place to find out where you're sitting.
25:08And you pull out your card and you're like, we're at table 11.
25:11Where are you guys?
25:11You're like, we're at table three.
25:12We're at table four.
25:13Oh, we're at table four.
25:14We're at table 11 too.
25:15And you realize all your friends are sitting together, but you.
25:18And in those moments, I want to try to switch cards.
25:25I want to make the bride and groom wrong.
25:27I want to let them let them it's their wedding.
25:31Let them do what they want.
25:35Instead of feeling hurt.
25:37Instead of feeling bummed.
25:38Instead of looking over that table across the dance floor longingly and thinking, why the fuck am I with the second aunt and the cousins?
25:44Oh, I know because I can talk to anybody.
25:46I can see it right now.
25:47They're sitting there.
25:48Oh, Mel and Chris can talk to anybody.
25:49We'll stick them over here.
25:50As I'm looking longingly across the dance floor.
25:55And I make it up.
25:56They're having way more fun.
25:57I'm at.
25:57No.
25:58Let them.
25:59Let the bride and groom do what they needed to do.
26:02Let the friends do what they're needing to do.
26:04Just let them.
26:06Because does that emotional turmoil that you create inside yourself, does it actually help you enjoy the way?
26:11No.
26:12Does it change where you're sitting?
26:13No.
26:15So let them.
26:16It's like a form of radical acceptance.
26:18And it is hard.
26:21It's hard because I think we default to holding on to our expectations or holding on to feeling hurt or wronged or having an opinion about how things should.
26:29It's too hot.
26:30Why are they doing it?
26:31Let them.
26:33Let them.
26:34If United Airlines wants to board from the back of the plane, let them.
26:39Who cares that you paid extra for extra leg room?
26:42You're still going to get it.
26:44Let them do what they need to do.
26:47Here's another comment.
26:48A friend told me that she was so upset and disappointed that another friend had gone without her on a trip that she thought that they were supposed to take together.
26:55My God, was she fixated on it.
26:57She just couldn't let it go.
26:59This is the perfect opportunity to tell your friend about the let them theory.
27:03Have you heard about the let them theory?
27:06When your friend does something that upsets you, let them.
27:08I mean, for all you know, it's not that they didn't want to go with you.
27:13It's that they just needed time alone.
27:15So let them take the trip alone.
27:18Why do you have to be so offended about everything?
27:21Why do you have to be so fucking hurt about everything?
27:24Not everything's that serious or that deep, everybody.
27:28Let people do what they need to do.
27:31That's detachment.
27:33And I think it's very straightforward.
27:34You're upset about something.
27:35You're talking about something.
27:36You're griping about something.
27:38You're feeling hurt about something.
27:40Use the let them theory.
27:41And, you know, just for those of you that are kind of smarty pants and you're going to
27:44write in and be like, but what about if you're at the beach and they leave their shoes on the
27:48beach and you're what?
27:49You just let them leave the shoes on the beach?
27:51No, you're not upset about it, are you?
27:55Of course, you're going to turn to your friend and be like, hey, dumbass, you left your flip
27:58flops over there.
27:58Go get them.
28:00You're not going to let them do that.
28:02I'm talking about when you're getting yourself worked up about something.
28:06You're getting yourself annoyed about something.
28:10And I can give you another example.
28:12You know, when I first moved to Vermont, we moved here, you know, in March of 2020, say
28:18no more.
28:18And so there were travel restrictions for a couple years and that limited anybody's ability
28:24to visit us.
28:25But it's now going on Oakley's junior year and my parents have still yet to visit.
28:32And I was really hurt by this and really upset by it, thinking, wait a minute, like he's
28:38now a junior in high school and they haven't come to see where we live.
28:42Like, and I kept saying, just let them, just let them, they have their reasons, just keep
28:46inviting them and let them.
28:48And what I finally realized, because I, instead of being upset about it, I just had a conversation
28:53with my mom about it, is she said, I just don't like that state.
28:58And I said, why?
28:58And she told me the story about how when she was really little, her parents left her at
29:04the family farm with her grandmother and they went to the state of Vermont with her older
29:09sister to do something related to an eye surgery.
29:12And while they were gone, my great grandmother dropped dead next to my mom.
29:17And when my grandparents, her parents came home, one of the first things they said to
29:21her is, why didn't you save her?
29:23And so when I see that story, I see this isn't about me.
29:29This is about something else.
29:31Let people do what they need to do.
29:36When you give people the space to do things in a way that makes them feel comfortable, eventually
29:42they come around and sure enough, they're going to be here in a month and I can't wait, but
29:47you got to let them, let them have the space to sort through their stuff.
29:51So let's talk about the second way you're going to use this theory.
29:54And this can be a little trickier because this is the let them theory.
30:03When you really need to take a step back and you got to let people fail and you've got to
30:09give people the room to grow, the room to learn and the room to take personal responsibility
30:16for something in their life.
30:17And I'm going to give you a couple examples of this.
30:19So when our son was in fifth grade, he went to this incredible school outside of Boston
30:26that focuses on language-based learning differences.
30:29So like dyslexia, dysgraphia, that kind of stuff.
30:32And I'll never forget, they said, if you forget their lunch, don't bring it.
30:39They're not going to go hungry, but don't bring it.
30:42Because so much of what we're trying to teach them is that they are capable of creating systems
30:47to remember things.
30:49And if they constantly forget things and you rescue them, they're never going to learn that.
30:56It's in the forgetting.
30:58It's in the sting.
30:59It's in the consequence of not doing something that you learn that this is important to you
31:06and you create systems and processes to actually do it.
31:10And so if they forget their lunch, let them do it.
31:15If they forget an application deadline for a job, let them forget.
31:20Why?
31:21Because they needed to learn that lesson.
31:23And here's the hardest application of this on the planet.
31:26If you have somebody in your life that's struggling with addiction, anybody who has dealt with this
31:31will tell you, nobody gets sober until they're ready to.
31:36And so if somebody is not ready to go to rehab, let them.
31:40If you force them to go, they're just going to leave.
31:42If somebody relapses, let them.
31:45It's not until they tell you that they're ready for help that they are going to actually
31:51use the help that you give them.
31:53And this is a really, really, really hard thing to grasp in your life.
32:00Let them.
32:01Just let them.
32:02And it's important because every time that you bail your sister out who's terrible with
32:10money and you loan her money, you know what happens?
32:13She continues to be terrible with money.
32:15Sometimes you need the sting of 11 bounce checks or the lien on the house, which is what happened
32:22to Chris and I back in, you know, 2000, whatever.
32:25I remember he asked his brother to loan him some money and he said, I'm sorry, if me not
32:29giving you this money is the reason why the business fails and you go bankrupt, then so
32:34be it.
32:35But I can't bail you out.
32:36You got to figure out how to do this yourself.
32:37He let Chris fail.
32:40And it was one of the most important things in the world.
32:43Why?
32:43Because he wasn't responsible for Chris's failure.
32:46Chris was.
32:47And he wasn't responsible for rescuing him.
32:49Chris was.
32:50And when you constantly rescue people, you're teaching them that they're not capable of
32:56rescuing themselves.
32:58And so the next time you get that whiny phone call from somebody that needs money or somebody
33:05that forgot something or somebody that wants to transfer yet again, don't control the situation.
33:12Simply hear them out and say, if you want to do that, great.
33:16I'll support you by cheering you on.
33:18But you're going to have to do the paperwork.
33:20You're going to have to figure out how to get out of debt.
33:22You're going to have to come to me when you're ready to get clean.
33:26You got to let them do it themselves.
33:30And here's one more thing on that.
33:32Every time you rescue somebody, you rob them of the opportunity to grow.
33:37Every time you step in and you make the problem go away, you make the person a little weaker
33:45and more dependent on you.
33:48So if you truly want somebody to tap into the strength inside themselves, yes, there is a
33:55time to support people.
33:56But if somebody keeps relapsing, if somebody keeps forgetting their lunch, if somebody keeps
34:02dating the same toxic fucking person, let them.
34:08Because eventually it's not going to work.
34:11And then they're going to come to you and ask for help.
34:14And when they do, they'll be ready to accept it.
34:18And you know, for you people pleasers out here, like Ann Waters, who commented on my Instagram
34:23post, she says, but Mel, I'm a people pleaser.
34:25And I keep doing lots of stuff for other people.
34:28How the heck do I stop doing that?
34:29The let them theory, let them do it themselves.
34:33Let your kids do their laundry and have the jeans bleed into the sweatshirts and have it
34:39all be that kind of weird bluish gray color.
34:41Let them do that.
34:42Let them learn that they actually care about doing it right.
34:45Let everybody at work go without having their birthday celebrated.
34:49Why do you have to be the one that remembers it and brings all the cupcakes?
34:52Just let them.
34:53Let your brother host the holidays this year.
34:56Why do you have to bend yourself over backwards?
34:58Let them step up.
35:00Let your friends make the plans.
35:01Why do you have to be the one that makes the plans all the time?
35:04And finally, work.
35:06If you feel like you take on everybody's work, let them do their own job.
35:11It's certainly going to be easier on you when you use the let them do it theory.
35:16Oh, it's your presentation.
35:17You're behind the ball.
35:18I'm sorry.
35:18I've got these 55,000.
35:20I wish I could help, but I'm going to let you keep that on your plate.
35:23Thank you very much.
35:24And this feels like a really good time to let our sponsors have a little word.
35:29So let them tell you a little bit about their cool products and services.
35:32And when we return, the third, very surprising way, perhaps the most powerful one, that you're
35:38going to use the let them theory in your life when we return.
35:42Welcome back.
35:43I'm Mel Robbins, and today you and I are talking about the let them theory.
35:48It's just the most beautiful detachment, emotional piece, kind of little tool that you can use
35:56to catch yourself when that controlling, nagging, ruminating behavior kicks up inside you, or
36:02when you catch yourself rescuing people, you're going to take a step back.
36:07You're going to let them fail.
36:08You're going to let them drop on their face.
36:10And you, my friend, are going to let them grow from it.
36:14You're standing by.
36:16You'll be there when they've learned the lesson.
36:18But for now, we got to let the people in your life fail, fall, do things their way, because
36:24it's what is going to help them grow.
36:27Besides, it's not your responsibility.
36:28Your responsibility is you and your happiness.
36:31And that brings me to the third way that you're going to use the let them theory.
36:34And this one is really difficult.
36:40Let them be themselves.
36:44Let's say it again.
36:46Let the people in your life be who they are, and let them be who they're not.
36:53See, I think that we all make the mistake of getting into relationships, and we're not
36:59really in a relationship with the person as they are.
37:03We're in a relationship with the potential.
37:07And when you focus on someone's potential, and you start to try to control and manipulate
37:13and want them to reach that potential or change or be different, you're not letting them be
37:19themselves.
37:20And that not only sucks for the other person, because there's nothing that feels good about
37:26being on the receiving end of that.
37:27Don't wear those shoes.
37:28You need an umbrella.
37:29Why are you doing that?
37:30You should train with that.
37:31You should lose some weight.
37:32Why are you eating gluten?
37:33Come on.
37:34Won't you go to this movie with me?
37:35Why do you have to always do that thing?
37:37That doesn't feel good, does it?
37:39So stop doing it to other people.
37:40Let them be themselves.
37:42And stop and think.
37:43Are you truly in a relationship with the person as they are?
37:51Or are you in a relationship with who you wish they were?
37:56And you know that that's true if you're constantly in your mind griping about what you wish they
38:01would change instead of letting them be themselves.
38:05And if you can catch this, that you're always dating the potential, that you're always in
38:14a friendship that you hope will improve, you'll realize that you're not even present with the
38:21person as they are.
38:21And when you give somebody the freedom to be themselves, guess what happens?
38:27You see who they really are.
38:30I can think of a lot of relationships that I've been in where I spent a lot of time griping
38:38about behaviors I didn't like.
38:41And when you distract yourself by griping about the fact that they drink too much or they have
38:45a drug problem or, you know, they're not as ambitious or you'd like or you wish they worked
38:50out or you can't stand their short hair and you wish they grew it longer or you hate their
38:54family or you don't like that thing that they do or the sex is really bad, you're not really
38:59with them.
39:00You're so focused on all the things that you don't like and the things that you wish
39:04you would change that you're in a relationship with the things you don't like because that's
39:09what you're focused on.
39:10And when you distract yourself like that, it keeps you from addressing the reality.
39:17And the reality is you're probably not with somebody that you actually want to be with.
39:22You've just kept yourself busy griping about what you wish would change and diluting yourself
39:27into thinking that it actually might change.
39:30It's not going to.
39:32You got to let them be who they are so that you can deal with the reality of who someone
39:38is.
39:39And when you finally deal with the reality of who someone is, then you can make a great
39:45choice about who you really are and what you really need.
39:49And, you know, there was one thing that I forgot to mention that I think is really, really
39:53important and it has to do with relationships.
39:56And one way that we try to control other people is through jealousy.
40:02And if this is something that you struggle with, you need to let them theory.
40:06Because jealousy, if you're jealous of, let's say, your partner spending time with their kids
40:13from another marriage.
40:14If you're jealous of when your boyfriend goes off and plays golf with his friends.
40:19If you're jealous of when your girlfriend or your wife is spending more time with the
40:27kids and they're bonding of over, this is a major problem.
40:31Because jealousy in this regard, this is your attempt to control other people.
40:37Because when you get jealous about your partner spending time with their kids from the first
40:41marriage, your jealousy is an attempt to try to get them to stop doing that.
40:46And so I want to unpack this because you need the let them theory.
40:50You need to let people have their friendships and have their time with their kids and have
40:54close friendships with people of the same sex.
40:57That's important.
40:59And it's important to let them do that without you getting triggered.
41:03And here's why.
41:05Because when you feel jealous and you're trying to control somebody and stop them from hanging
41:11out with their girlfriends or whatever the hell it may be or friends from their former
41:14marriage and that really threatens you, the reason why you feel jealous is you're threatened
41:21and you're telling yourself that they don't love you as much as those other people or that
41:26they're not going to love you if they hang out with those people.
41:29And what's interesting about that is your jealousy and your controlling is an attempt to get more
41:34love.
41:35But it backfires, doesn't it?
41:37Because you're not present to love when you're jealous.
41:39You're actually present to less control and less love.
41:42So if you want more love, which is why you're jealous, then let them do what they're going
41:49to do and bring more love to the situation.
41:54By letting them do what they're going to do and spend time with their kids and spend time
41:58playing golf or spend time on that project that they're working on, you're showing them
42:04that you love them as they are.
42:06It's an act of love to let people do what makes them feel good.
42:11And so A, you're no longer feeling that toxic emotion of jealousy.
42:16B, you're giving somebody the most loving gift that you can, which is accepting who they
42:22are and supporting what makes them happy.
42:25And C, ultimately, if you keep practicing this, you're going to get what you wanted all along,
42:30which is the feeling of more love in your life because you've let go and you've accepted
42:35what is.
42:36And when you let go and accept what is, that person's going to love you back more.
42:41See how this works?
42:43Let them.
42:45Let them.
42:46And the final example that I'm going to give you is let people have their emotions.
42:52Let them have their opinions.
42:54You trying to control what somebody feels and what they say, that is a one-way ticket to
43:00the end of a relationship.
43:02So I'll give you an example.
43:04Let's say that you and your best friend have started to grow apart.
43:07Maybe one of you moved away.
43:08Maybe one of you are in a really serious relationship and the other one's single.
43:13The patterns of your life have started to change.
43:16Hence, your relationship starts to change.
43:17You still care about one another, but you just don't see each other as much.
43:22And let's just say that your friend comes to you and says, I feel like you've changed.
43:29I feel like I'm not important anymore.
43:31I feel like I've always been there for you and you're never there for me anymore because
43:34you're so busy with your boyfriend or you're so busy with this, that, and the other thing.
43:39Let them have those feelings.
43:41You don't need to control what they think.
43:47One of the greatest acts of generosity and love that a human being can give to another
43:51human being is to just listen to what somebody's story is, to witness somebody's feelings about
44:00something and validate it.
44:02That's it.
44:04That's all you need to do.
44:06And when somebody is given the space because you let them share how they're feeling,
44:11they're mad at you, they're upset about you, they're frustrated with this, they feel wrong,
44:15they feel hurt, they feel this, they feel that, something amazing happens.
44:23You learn this skill of being able to detach.
44:28You learn how to let people be upset and not put your hooks into it.
44:33You learn the ability to have feelings rise and fall.
44:39It just happened to me this morning, in fact, because I had told our daughter, Kendall,
44:44who's home for a couple of weeks, that I would love to do something this morning together.
44:49And the morning, of course, came and a lot of stuff happened.
44:52And then it was 10 o'clock and she was going to help me go through some things in my closet.
44:57And she started to go, you know, we got to get going on this because if we don't get going
45:01on this, we're only going to be doing it for 15 minutes.
45:03And if we only do it for 15 minutes, I'm going to have a fucking attitude, okay?
45:06Because I'm going to feel really pissed off about it.
45:09You know what I did?
45:10I let her.
45:12I let her have that frustration.
45:15It was so liberating because I realize now that I know the let them theory, that I was
45:23often engaging in this like emotional tug of war with people in my life.
45:30They'd get upset.
45:31I'd try to calm them down.
45:32Then they'd get more upset.
45:33Then I'd try to be responsible for why they're upset.
45:36Then I'm trying to solve it.
45:37Then they're doing it.
45:37And it just becomes this nobody's letting anybody do anything.
45:42We're arguing over how we feel.
45:43It is so fucking stupid.
45:47The let them theory allows you to observe people's emotional distress and let them have
45:54it and let you off the hook from rescuing them or being responsible for it.
46:01It is such a beautiful thing.
46:04That's my gift to you today.
46:06The let them theory.
46:07Because when you let somebody be free to be who they are in their best and their worst
46:13moments, that freedom that you're giving to somebody else, that gift of not controlling,
46:21you know what happens?
46:23You get a gift in return.
46:24You get peace and ease back in your life.
46:30And the more that people realize that around you they have the freedom to express themselves
46:33and the freedom to show up as themselves, guess what?
46:36The less you're going to need to control people and the more you're going to focus on you.
46:41In closing, I want to give you three quick tools that you can use to really apply this
46:47to your life.
46:48The next time that you feel yourself getting all bent out of shape about something, okay?
46:51Something big, something small, doesn't matter.
46:54You're going to pull out the let them theory.
46:56And this is how you can coach yourself through it.
46:58First of all, you can ask yourself, well, what am I afraid of?
47:01What am I afraid of?
47:03And in the example I've been giving, which is a really dumb example, the avocado pit,
47:08the second you ask yourself, well, what am I afraid of?
47:11That my son's in a tux and his date's in a long dress with a train and it's pouring rain
47:15cats and dogs style outside and they're at a tiny little burrito taco joint in the middle
47:19of the town.
47:19What am I afraid of?
47:21And then I go, well, her dress and his tux and the shoes we just did today.
47:26You'll realize how absurd most of the shit is that you get all frustrated and upset about.
47:32What are you afraid of when United Airlines is boarding from the back of the plane?
47:36Seriously?
47:37You afraid you're not going to get your suitcase up on the thing and you paid the money?
47:41Honey, please, there are bigger fish to fry.
47:45There are also moments where you're going to ask that question, like if you have somebody
47:49struggling with addiction.
47:50Well, what am I afraid of?
47:51I'm afraid they're going to die.
47:53I'm afraid they're going to be out on the street and they're going to die.
47:57That is a valid thing to be afraid of.
48:01And then you can ask yourself, well, is it true?
48:03Are they going to?
48:04You don't know.
48:06You really don't.
48:06And when you really don't know if it's true or not, I say that you can't hold it over your
48:15head as a reason to be so controlling or be so concerned about it.
48:22Second thing, always ask yourself, whose business am I in?
48:28Am I in my business or their business?
48:30When I'm trying to like micromanage my son, I'm in his business.
48:36When I am upset with a friend who's upset with me, I'm in my friend's business.
48:42When I am feeling wronged because I got sat at the wrong table or I wasn't invited to the
48:48such and such or I didn't win that award that I thought I should win, I'm in somebody else's
48:54business because I'm trying to change something related to somebody else.
48:58You always want to be in your own business.
49:02You always want to be dealing with your feelings and what you can do about it.
49:06And I got one more example about this.
49:08I recently went away with a bunch of women that I've become friends with and we met inside
49:13of a much larger kind of group of people.
49:16And I found out after the fact that there was somebody who had been telling other people
49:22that they were really bummed and hurt that they weren't included.
49:27And for a minute, I felt bad.
49:31But I used the let them theory.
49:34Let them be hurt.
49:36Let them be bummed that they weren't invited.
49:38It's not my responsibility and it's not your responsibility to make sure everybody's feelings
49:43are okay.
49:45It's my responsibility to take care of myself.
49:48And having been on the other side of that story, where for years I was so busy working
49:55that I let my female friendships just go.
49:58I was always working, always working.
50:00And then when I got home, I was so tired.
50:02I would constantly feel hurt that I wasn't included in things.
50:05I was constantly feeling FOMO, that people were out at parties or out to dinner or getting
50:10together with their kids and we weren't included.
50:12When I feel like that, I'm in their business.
50:17The harder thing, when you just let people get together and not invite you, let people
50:21do what they're going to do and not include you.
50:23The harder thing is to get back into your business, which is if this bothers you so much,
50:29what are you going to do about it, Mel?
50:31Because what I realized for myself is that of course nobody invites me anywhere.
50:36You want to know why?
50:37I'm not prioritizing my friendships.
50:39I haven't thrown a party in a long time.
50:42I haven't planned a women's weekend in five years.
50:45If I really want more of this in my life, it's not up to me to control other people to
50:50make them invite me.
50:51It's up to me to be responsible for creating these experiences.
50:55That means I'm now focused on my business, not on trying to control other people's business.
51:01And third, the other thing that you can do is you can ask yourself,
51:06what feels more like peace?
51:11Does trying to get the kids not to go to the taco place feel like peace?
51:15Nope.
51:15Feels like control.
51:17So let's let them do that.
51:19Does bitching about the fact that you weren't invited somewhere feel like peace?
51:23Nope.
51:24So we're going to let them do that.
51:26Does trying to force your husband to go to the gym with you feel like peace?
51:29Nope.
51:29We're going to let them not go.
51:31So always move toward peace when you feel yourself getting all ramped up with the emotions
51:38and the gripping and the control and the opinions.
51:42Hands off.
51:43Drop the oars.
51:45Let them do what they're going to do.
51:48And you focus on what you're going to do.
51:51Because what you're going to do is you're going to stop the control.
51:56You're going to stop the rumination.
51:58And you, my friend, are going to just drift back down with the current and feel that emotional peace that washes over you.
52:10Let them.
52:11I can't wait to hear how you use the let them theory.
52:15You know what?
52:16My dog's barking.
52:16You know what I'm going to do?
52:17I'm going to let them.
52:19That's right.
52:20I'm not going to grip.
52:20I'm not going to worry about it.
52:22I'm just going to let the dogs bark.
52:24And I'm also going to tell you that I love you.
52:26And I believe in you.
52:27And I believe in your ability to create a life that you love.
52:30And every single day I'm becoming more and more and more convinced that there is so much power in learning how to let go.
52:38In prioritizing emotional peace over control.
52:43And I really hope that this let them theory is as powerful in your life as it is in mine.
52:51Alrighty.
52:52I love you.
52:54I'm going to let you go do whatever you're going to go do.
52:57And I'll talk to you in a few days.
52:59Oh, one more thing.
53:02It's the legal language.
53:03This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
53:10It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
53:33Hey, it's Mel.
53:38Thank you so much for being here.
53:39If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing.
53:45Thank you so much for being here.
53:47We've got so much amazing stuff coming.
53:49Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family.
53:52I love you.
53:53We create these videos for you.
53:55So make sure you subscribe.
53:57Mwah!
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