The Let Them Theory How to Take Back Your Peace and Power

Mel Robbins

If you’re tired of managing everyone’s moods, overexplaining yourself, fixing issues that aren’t yours to fix, or proving your worth to people who don’t see it, this episode is your reset.   In this solo episode, Mel unpacks the life-changing tool that millions of people around the world can’t stop talking about:  The Let Them Theory.  For the first time on the podcast since the book launched, Mel discusses Let Them, the global movement, and new ways to apply the theory.  Whether you’ve read the book or are new to this tool, today’s episode will give you perspectives and insights about The Let Them Theory that have never been shared before.  The Let Them Theory is here to remind you that the problem isn’t you; it’s the power you give to other people.   It has become a cultural sensation and a movement built on one idea:   When you stop trying to control other people, you finally take control of yourself.    In this conversation, Mel shares:   -4 things you’re not responsible for  -Why trying to make everyone else happy is a recipe for frustration  -The main reason some people never understand you – and why that’s OK  -The one-sentence way to set a powerful boundary  -Why the only person you need to prove yourself to is you   If you’ve spent too long chasing approval or taking on responsibility for everyone else, it’s time to protect your time and energy.   It’s time to stop letting other people hold you back.    It’s time to focus on what you can control: YOU.  Sign up here to get exclusive access to presale tickets for Mel's live tour, Let Them Tour 2026, before tickets go on sale to the public: https://www.melrobbins.com/the-let-th...  For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page: https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/ep...   Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram:   / themelrobbinspodcast     I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode.   In this episode: 00:00 Welcome 01:33 #1: You’re Not Responsible for Other People’s Happiness 20:35 #2: You’re Not Responsible for Rescuing People From Their Problems 32:57 #3: You’re Not Responsible for Making People Understand Your Choices 43:47 #4: You’re Not Responsible for Proving Your Worth 54:02 It’s Time to Take Your Life Back

Transcript

00:00Here's what Mel Robbins would add. As your friend, I'm going to tell you,

00:03you will never prioritize your own happiness until you learn how to let other people be

00:10unhappy. Hey, it's Mel. Today on the Mel Robbins podcast, we are diving into the let them theory

00:15like you've never heard it before in four specific ways to use it to protect your peace

00:20and take your power back. Number one, you are not responsible for other people's happiness.

00:25You are only responsible for your own happiness. That doesn't make you selfish. It helps you make

00:33better choices. It helps you own what you're doing and it helps you prioritize yourself.

00:39Let them be unhappy. The second thing that you are not responsible for, you are not responsible

00:46for rescuing people from their problems. Let them learn from life. Trying to solve everyone else's

00:52problems is creating major problems for you. And you're important too. And there's a different

00:58way to approach these very difficult situations. The third thing that you're not responsible for,

01:04you're not responsible for making people understand your choices. Let me explain. Harvard

01:08University's Dr. Nicholas Epley did research on how people understand each other. And guess what?

01:14They don't. They don't. So stop seeking validation from people who don't even understand what you're

01:22trying to do. Stop over explaining yourself and let them misunderstand. And the fourth thing you're

01:27not responsible for, you are not responsible for. Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel

01:36Robbins podcast. Today, you and I are talking about four things that you're not responsible for. And

01:48I love this topic because it's going to give you power and freedom. It's going to give you your life

01:53back. And so I can't wait to jump in. In fact, let's just start with number one right now. The first

01:58thing you're not responsible for in life, you're not responsible for other people's happiness. Let them

02:03be unhappy. Let them be disappointed. Now, let me explain why this is so important. Your attempt

02:10to constantly try to make other people happy, it's making you miserable. See, in life, there's one

02:18thing that you will never be able to control ever. And that's other people. What other people do,

02:23what they say, what they believe, what they expect, whether or not they're happy or satisfied.

02:27And I have the research to prove to you that the more you make it your responsibility to be sure

02:34that everybody around you is happy, the worse you're going to feel. Now, look, don't beat yourself

02:40up. We all do this in life. Me too. I mean, that's how I learned about this. I do life the hard way.

02:46And then I realized, wow, there's an easier way to live your life. I don't have to be responsible for

02:50everybody else's feelings and their happiness. Let them be unhappy. Let me focus on doing things that make

02:56me happy. And oftentimes we take on responsibility for things. We try to control things without even

03:02realizing it. One of the reasons why this is so important, and I'm going to unpack this today,

03:06is because you will never, ever prioritize your own happiness until you learn how to let other people

03:13be unhappy, until you learn how to let them be disappointed. Because if their happiness always

03:19comes before yours, you never have time and energy to make yourself happy or to make better decisions

03:26because you're focused on them. Today, we're going to change that. You're going to learn to let them

03:30be unhappy. And then we're going to learn how to make decisions that make you happy. And the amazing

03:36thing about all of this is the research proves that when you do that, you anchor down into what's

03:41going to make you happy and you truly choose it. Happiness becomes more contagious throughout your

03:47whole life. You're going to love this. And I want to read to you from the Let Them Theory book. But before

03:53I crack that book open, can I just take a second and thank you? I am so blown away by the global reception

04:02of not only the Let Them Theory itself, but the book. I'm floored. In fact, I have not done an in-depth

04:11episode about the nuances of the Let Them Theory since I launched the book six months ago. This book

04:17in just six months is being translated into 63 languages. In six months, it has sold over 6 million

04:26copies and counting. That's bananas. We just learned that halfway through this year, the Let Them Theory

04:34is the single best-selling book on the planet of all books right now. All books. Fantasy. I can't believe

04:42that a book that is helping you take control of your life is beating fiction. I love fiction. I love

04:49fiction because it helps me escape my life. But I love that you are embracing a book that is teaching

04:54you how to turn into your life and how to stop taking responsibility for things that aren't your

05:00responsibility, how to stop controlling things that you can't control, and how to have more peace and how

05:05to have more power. And so thank you. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for being interested in

05:11Let Them Theory. Thank you for reading it and being interested in reading. And thank you for giving this

05:16book and recommending it to other people. That's the reason why this has exploded like this. It's

05:21because the theory works, and when you use it, you feel better. And I love that. So thank you,

05:28thank you, thank you. Alrighty, let's jump back into it. We're talking about the first thing you're not

05:33responsible for, which is you're not responsible for other people's happiness. You can live your life

05:40in a different way. Instead of taking on this burden, there's a different way to do things. Let

05:45me read to you from page 17 of the Let Them Theory. This is chapter one. Stop wasting your life on things

05:52you can't control. If you're struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or just feel happier,

05:58I want you to hear this. The problem isn't you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to

06:04other people. We all do it, often without realizing it. You make the mistake of thinking that if you say

06:11the right thing, everyone will be satisfied. If you bend over backwards, maybe your partner won't

06:15be disappointed. If you're friendly enough, maybe your co-workers will like you more. If you keep the

06:19peace, maybe your family will stop judging your choices. Now, I know this because I've lived it.

06:25I've spent years trying to be everything for everyone else, thinking that if I could just do

06:29enough, say the right things, and keep everyone happy, I'd finally feel good about myself. But what

06:35happens instead? Oh, instead, you work harder, you bend further, you shrink yourself smaller, and still,

06:41still, oh, still someone's disappointed, still someone criticizes, still you're left feeling like

06:47no matter how hard you try, it's never enough. Well, today I'm here to tell you, it doesn't have

06:56to be this way. And here's the thing about trying to make other people happy, and how you assume

07:02responsibility for everyone around you being happy. This shows up in really sneaky ways. So I want to

07:09give you some examples of how this can play out, and you might not even realize it. So as we were

07:14getting ready to do this episode, we were all talking as a team, and one of the producers on

07:18the team said that they know somebody who held back from posting their engagement photo on social

07:24media because they were worried that their photo would trigger another friend who was sad about a

07:30breakup. I mean, isn't that kind of crazy? That's an example of assuming responsibility for somebody else

07:37being happy. You don't post a photo online because you're afraid it's going to make somebody else sad?

07:42It's relatable, but it's also kind of crazy that we do this. Or how about this one? Writing five

07:50versions of a text to somebody before you hit send because you're worried about it sounding too harsh,

07:55and you're worried that they're going to react and not be happy about what? Seriously? Or how about

08:01this one? Staging family dinners like it's a UN peace summit? Rearranging seats so nobody fights this

08:06time and nobody is unhappy about where they're sitting? Or how about apologizing for saying no?

08:13Even when no is reasonable, and by the way, no is a complete sentence. Why do you have to apologize

08:19for the fact that you're saying no? Oh, I know why. Because you're taking on the responsibility that

08:25the person is okay with you saying no, and that they're not upset or disappointed because now you're

08:30responsible for them being happy even though you need to say no. Or how about pretending you're, quote,

08:35fine, even though you're going through a really tough time, but you don't want to talk about it

08:40because you think if you talk about what's going on, you're going to kill the vibe. You're going to

08:45bring down the mood and everybody else deserves to be happy, but you, so you're going to take

08:48responsibility for that. Or maybe you walk on eggshells at home to avoid your partner's rotten

08:54mood after a stressful day at work. So now their stressful day at work is somehow your responsibility

08:59to make sure that you don't make it worse. Or maybe you let a friend just vent endlessly

09:05about their issues or their breakup or their mother, and you never draw a line and protect your own

09:13happiness and say, you know, this is a lot. And I just really can't handle listening to any more

09:20of this right now. Or maybe it looks like this. This was me for a long time with my husband.

09:25You're constantly managing somebody else's mood and hoping that they're happy. So you check in all

09:31the time. Are you okay? What are you thinking about? Are you mad? Did I do something wrong?

09:34Because you want everything to be perfect all the time. And if your partner's happy, then you're happy.

09:39And it's your responsibility to not only make sure they're happy, but to check in and make sure that

09:42they're happy all the time. It makes you crazy. I used to do this constantly. Or always being the

09:47planner in your family or your friend group. Because if you don't host the barbecue this year,

09:52if you don't organize mom's birthday gift, if you're not the one that's on the ball,

09:56then somebody's going to be disappointed. It's not going to happen. And somehow this is your

10:00responsibility in life. Or you avoid asking for help because you don't want to add stress to somebody

10:06else's plate because they're really busy. And it's just easier if you do this and you don't want to rock

10:10the waves. Or you say, you're happy to help. But secretly, no, you're not. Because you're

10:16overwhelmed. And you just literally are so exhausted, but you just constantly take on the responsibility

10:22of making sure everybody else is okay. Oh my God. Even just explaining all of this,

10:30you just feel heavier. And you might be shaking your head going, wow, I don't do all those things,

10:39but I do some of those things. But that's a lot, Mel. It is a lot. This is really, really sneaky

10:44stuff. Let me give you another example, okay, of how feeling responsible for someone else's

10:50happiness, what this can look like. Let's say you let someone talk over you or speak to you in a

10:59disrespectful way. And you don't want to call out this family member because it would cause a scene

11:05and make someone unhappy. Or do you spend money that you don't have on gifts or dinners or trips

11:13because you're afraid if you don't, someone's going to think less of you? And I want to point

11:19this out because every time you say yes to going out, when really you don't want to go, but you're

11:27saying yes because you don't want somebody to be disappointed and you want everyone to be happy

11:30with you and you think it's your responsibility that everybody's expectations are met, you realize

11:36that it's costing you money. That you're willing to not only take on responsibility, but you're willing

11:43to spend money in order for someone else to not be disappointed or upset with you. There's a real

11:51hard cost to this that also goes beyond time, energy, emotions, and your own unhappiness. This is why it's

12:00not your responsibility to manage other people's happiness. It's just not. And if you're spending

12:08all your time and energy worrying about everyone else and whether they're okay and whether they're

12:13happy and making sure they're not disappointed, guess whose happiness is getting ignored? Yours.

12:21That's right. When you are so focused on everyone else, it drains your time and energy and you also

12:29lose sight of what will make you happy in life. Just let them because otherwise you end up doing

12:38what I did for the first 50 years of my life. You live your life in reverse. You live your life as if

12:44everyone else's expectations and their happiness comes before you and that it is your responsibility

12:50to be sure everybody's okay, that everybody's needs are met, that everybody's charity is donated to,

12:55that everybody gets you at their dinners or at their business stuff or whatever. I got a better

12:59way to go through life. Let them, let them, let them, let them, let them deal with their own

13:07expectations. Let them deal with the disappointment. People are allowed to be disappointed. You're allowed

13:13to say no. And when you start to realize, wait a minute, it's not my responsibility to make everybody

13:22happy. It's not my responsibility to say yes, so that people aren't disappointed or bummed out with

13:28me. It's not my responsibility to shrink or to not celebrate what's happening in my life. Cause I'm

13:36afraid it's going to make my friend feel more insecure. Do you know how lame that is to go through

13:41life like that? And God, I did it for decades. There's a better way to do life. How about you let

13:48them be unhappy and let me make decisions that make me happy right now. Let me make decisions

13:55that align with my values and the things that I want to prioritize right now, because here's the

14:00thing you are responsible for. You are responsible for your happiness. You're not responsible for

14:05everybody else's happiness, but you are responsible singularly for making decisions in a way that make

14:12you proud and happy of yourself. You're responsible for living your life in a way that prioritizes your

14:17needs, your joy, your goals, your money. Like, why are you giving away your money so that people are

14:25not disappointed or bummed out with you? Why are you giving away your time so that somebody's not

14:30disappointed? You're also responsible for being honest. Yeah, you got to be kind about it with people

14:37and a little bit compassionate, but be honest about what works for you and what doesn't work for

14:41you, especially if it makes them unhappy. I'm going to say that again. You got to be honest,

14:47especially if it's going to make them unhappy. And here's the reason why. I have found time and time

14:52again, when I look back in the past, my inability to let other people be unhappy or disappointed

14:59was a form of manipulation. I basically was trying to make people happy all the time so they'd like me.

15:04And you can never prioritize your own happiness until you learn how to let other people be unhappy.

15:11Let me say that again, because that's a big one. You're not responsible for other people's happiness.

15:17And more importantly, you will never prioritize your own happiness until you learn how to let other

15:25people be unhappy. Because if their happiness comes before yours, you will never have time and energy

15:32to make yourself happy, period. And I can hear you as you're considering these examples, but Mel,

15:40won't this make me like really selfish? Isn't it a good thing to help out your friends and show up at

15:46dinner parties and like do things to make other people happy? Of course it's a good thing. Of course it's a

15:56good thing to live your life in a way where you show up as the kind of person that makes other people

16:04happy and that you do things that show them that you care. But here's this nuance I'm talking about.

16:10You have to ask yourself, why are you doing this? Why are you saying yes? Why are you agreeing to these

16:18things? Why are you taking the extra shift at work? Why are you offering to babysit your sister's

16:26untrained dog yet again while she goes away? Even though, like, why are you doing this?

16:32If you're doing it for them and doing nice things for other people makes you feel good, good.

16:40That means you're doing it for you because it makes you feel good to be that kind of person. Do you see

16:46what I mean? Say yes to babysitting the dog because it makes you happy. Say yes to volunteering at

16:52school because it makes you happy. Say yes to changing your plans and going to that wedding or

16:57being excited about the business opportunity over a birthday weekend because it makes you happy.

17:03Do it for you, don't do it for them. Because if you're chronically doing things because you think you

17:09should or because you think it's your responsibility to make other people happy or to meet their

17:16expectations or because you're worried that other people will be disappointed, which is just another

17:22way to say, I'm responsible for people not being disappointed. I'm responsible for their happiness.

17:26That's terrible. That's the worst reason to do something because number one, now you are assuming

17:33responsibility for somebody else's expectations being met. You're assuming responsibility for somebody

17:38not being disappointed. You're assuming responsibility for somebody's happiness and you're ignoring your own.

17:44So it's a double whammy of negativity. That's why it's not good. And even more, resentment starts to

17:51build up in your relationships. I kid you not because you start to blame your parents for constantly

17:56throwing a guilt trip when the truth is you've assumed responsibility for making sure that they're

18:01never uncomfortable or disappointed. There's an easier way. Let them be disappointed and let me make

18:07decisions that make me feel good about myself. And so don't confuse your innate desire to make people

18:16happy, which is a good thing, with this imagined responsibility that their happiness is your

18:23full-time job. That's where we get this wrong. There was a study done out of Carnegie Mellon that was

18:29led by the psychology professor, Vicki Helgeson, where she tracks college students that were just going

18:35about their lives for 10 days. And it was so interesting what this study found. It found that

18:41the students who were constantly taking care of everyone else but never asked for help ended up

18:47drained, stressed out, and worse off emotionally. These were the over-givers, the fixers, the people

18:54who think that it's their job to keep everyone else okay. But the more that they tried to manage

19:00other people's emotions, the worse they felt. I mean, instead of bringing peace into your life,

19:07the worse they felt. Let me explain what this means, because I think as you're listening,

19:13you're going, well, no kidding, because that's how I feel right now. See, instead of bringing peace

19:18into your life, constantly overextending yourself because you think it's your responsibility to make

19:23everybody okay, it leads to you feeling more anxious and emotionally burnt out. It couldn't be

19:29clear. See, when you're in that mode where you assume responsibility for other people's happiness,

19:34you're actually not helping. You're hurting yourself. I'm going to say it again. You are only

19:41responsible for your own happiness. That doesn't make you selfish. It helps you make better choices.

19:49It helps you own what you're doing, and it helps you prioritize yourself. Let them be unhappy.

19:56Let them be upset. Let them be disappointed. And let me make decisions and prioritize my time and

20:03energy and live my life aligned with my values and what's happening in this moment, and do so in a way

20:09that makes me happy. Because when I say yes, let me be honest about the reason why I'm saying yes.

20:14I say yes because I want to say yes. I say yes because it matters to me. And when I make decisions

20:22that way, I take responsibility for the choices I'm making. And ultimately, I feel in control. And

20:29when I feel in control, guess what? I feel a little happier. Isn't that so cool how that works?

20:35Now let's jump into the second thing that you're not responsible for, which is you're not responsible

20:41for rescuing people from their problems. Let them learn from life. Now this one probably

20:49hits hard, especially if you're a parent or a partner or a friend, or frankly, if you have

20:54a pulse. Because if you care about somebody else, it's really hard to accept that this is

21:02true. That you're not responsible for rescuing people from their problems. And you have to let

21:08them learn from life. Because who hasn't been there? I'm sure you have. I mean, maybe you're

21:13there right now as you're watching somebody struggle. Who hasn't tried to clear all the

21:18obstacles out of the way to help somebody that you love? I'm sure you have. I have too. And

21:23the reality is simple. You can support someone. You can offer advice. You can pay for things.

21:30You can throw down a dozen lifelines. But at the end of the day, people only change when

21:36they are ready to do the work to change for themselves. And if you're not careful, your

21:43love and your concern and your worry will turn into enabling people who are struggling. And

21:50that happens when you assume responsibility for solving their problems. And there are two

21:55reasons why this is a very important truth to understand. That you are not responsible for

22:02solving someone's problems or rescuing someone from their problems. Number one, the reason

22:09why this is important is because every single expert says that rescuing people doesn't work.

22:14And based on the research, rescuing people and solving their problems for them backfires.

22:21It makes the situation worse. And the second reason is that trying to solve everyone else's problems

22:27is creating major problems for you. And you're important too. And there's a different way to

22:33approach these very difficult situations. And I want to read to you from page 226 of the

22:41Let Them Theory book, because I dedicate an entire section of the book to how you use the Let Them

22:47Theory when somebody is struggling. And how to stop assuming responsibility for everybody's problems

22:54and solving them and keep yourself in a role of supporting them from the sidelines. So let me

23:01read to you. Watching someone you love struggle with their mental health, crippling grief, or an

23:06addiction is one of the hardest experiences you will face in life. And an even harder truth is not

23:13everyone is ready to get better. Be sober, do the work, use their tools, or face their issues. And not

23:21everybody can. I learned that truth from clinical psychologist Dr. Nicola Perla's work. She's known

23:27online to her millions of followers as the holistic psychologist. And every day her work reminds me

23:32that healing is a deeply personal journey. As much as you may love someone and believe in them and would

23:40do anything in the world to make their pain go away, you cannot want someone else's sobriety,

23:45healing, or health more than they do. The more you try to rescue someone from their problems,

23:52the more likely they will continue to drown in them. Allowing someone to face the natural

23:57consequences of their actions is a necessary part of healing, growing, and getting better. The fact is,

24:04adults only get better when they are ready to do the work. And you're going to be ready way before they

24:09are. It's harsh, but it's true. What we're going to talk about is there's a brand new approach to

24:17supporting someone through their struggles, which is grounded in the belief that someone can do the

24:24work to get better. And in order for that to happen, you have to stop assuming responsibility

24:31for doing the work for them. Before we get into what does the research say about how to show up

24:38and support in a way that's going to be effective. First, let's take a look at what happens when you

24:45assume responsibility for solving someone else's problems. Here are some examples. Let's say you

24:51loan your sibling money for the third time, even though they haven't paid you back the last two

24:55times. Or you keep paying for the car, the phone, and the rent for your adult kid who isn't working and

25:01doesn't really seem to be looking for work or all that motivated to look for work, but still is the time

25:05and the money to go out and party with their friends. And every time you ask, hey, how's the

25:08job search going? There's nothing but excuses and a request for some more money. And you keep giving

25:15it to them. You can't help it. I know I've been there. Or your partner has let themselves go.

25:21So you just sign them up for the gym membership, even though they don't want it. And then they don't

25:25use it. But then you start resenting them because they're not doing anything and they're not accepting

25:28the help. And you're still trying to solve this. Or how about this one? You keep cleaning up after

25:33your messy roommate who refuses to do their share because you can't, quote, live in the mess. But

25:38you also can't seem to have a constructive conversation about it with them. Because

25:41cleaning up the mess is easier than being honest about what's not working with this person. Or you

25:46have a family member who refuses to get help for their addiction. And you know they're hiding their

25:52addiction from you. You know they're not honest. You think they're still using. And yet you're hiding

25:58what's going on from your friends. And you're not talking about it openly and getting the

26:02support that you need because you're trying to, quote, protect your family member so you're

26:07not honest about what's actually going on in your life and getting the support that you

26:11deserve. And I struggle with the same stuff myself. I mean, this is really difficult to

26:17do. And it's very personal in terms of where is that line where you're solving the problems

26:22and you're overextending yourself versus standing back and offering support to somebody who wants

26:30it. I have to constantly remind myself that it's not my responsibility to save people from

26:37themselves, even when I'm related to them. And here's something that's really helped me

26:43to be honest with myself and to call myself out. It's asking, what is the problem that I'm

26:49trying to solve? Like I want you to think about somebody who you feel like you are really worried

26:55about. You're either paying for parts of their life or you're trying to motivate them. What

27:00is your problem to solve? Is it the financial situation? Is it sobriety? Is it the lack of

27:10interest in school? What is your problem to solve? Your responsibility. And here's what I've

27:18discovered about myself is that oftentimes I've made it my problem to solve other people's

27:24problems because I don't like how uncomfortable I feel when I'm worrying about somebody. And so I

27:31can just make this go away. I can make myself feel better. I can make myself feel like not as worried

27:37if I pay for something or if I avoid the conversation. That's easier than taking a step back and reminding

27:45myself at some point, this person is going to have to find the strength within themselves to step up

27:52and face the issues in their life. And when they do so, I will be here by the side. But in the

27:57meantime, I got to take a step back and let them. And so it is helpful. Ask yourself, what is the

28:03problem you're trying to solve? Because in life, there's lots of problems, but most of them are not

28:08your responsibility to solve. And often when you step across that line and you try to make somebody else's

28:13problem go away, you make the situation worse. And you may be thinking, how can I be making the

28:20situation worse, Mel? It's already terrible. They're already unmotivated. They're already

28:24spiraling. They're already struggling. How is my help making the situation worse? It's the exact

28:31question to ask. It's the right thing to grapple with. And so I've grappled with the same thing,

28:37which is why I want to turn to two world-renowned experts who were part of the research that we did

28:44in writing the let them theory. This is in the chapter titled, The More You Rescue, The More They

28:50Sink. I'm reading from page 231. The section begins, Let People Learn From Life. Dr. Robert

28:58Waldinger is a practicing psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, as well as a clinical professor of

29:03psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He also leads the Harvard Study of Adult Development,

29:08one of the most extensive and longstanding research projects on adult life. Dr. Waldinger addressed this

29:14specifically when I talked to him. He said, let people learn from life. Don't shield them from the

29:23consequences of what they choose. If somebody says, I really don't want to get a job. Okay, well,

29:29how are you going to pay your rent? There are a lot of things we can do to help people meet the

29:34challenges of life by not shielding them from the challenges of life. This often happens in the

29:41realm of addiction with loved ones. We have to let people deal with the pain of losing a job

29:46or losing a partner because they're addicted to some substance. Don't try to run in and make it all

29:52better. When we let people face the real-world consequences of the choices they make, they

30:00hopefully learn from them. Maybe they need to spend a night in jail. Maybe they need to lose their job

30:05or their license or their family. Maybe you need to take them out of college. Maybe they need to live

30:11with you because they need family around them. Maybe they're just so far gone, they are going to be

30:17homeless. And it's not just in the most extreme cases like addiction and severe mental illness.

30:22This same principle applies when someone is struggling with homesickness, anxiety, or self-doubt.

30:28Dr. Luana Marquez, a clinical psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School, told me

30:33that avoidance is a habit and coping mechanism that is very common when someone is confronted.

30:40Your loved one is going to avoid situations, conversations, or behavior changes that feel hard.

30:47It's human nature to reach for what feels easy and to move away from what you're facing that is

30:53difficult. Whether that's going back to school or looking for a job or maintaining your sobriety

30:59or asking for help or filing for bankruptcy or filing for divorce, it's important to embrace the facts

31:06here so you can approach this from a rational and science-backed method. Stop avoiding the problem.

31:14Stop solving their problems and let them learn from life.

31:20The fact is, helping takes two people. The person giving the help, that's you, and the person accepting

31:28the help. If you're giving someone help and they're not accepting it, it flips from helping to enabling

31:34because you're the one doing all the work. They're not an active participant in solving their problems

31:40anymore. You're the one solving it, and that's what makes it enabling rather than help.

31:46So if you know that helping takes two people and someone's not accepting the help that you're giving,

31:52or they're not meeting the terms and conditions upon which you've been giving the money or the support,

31:58you need to say to yourself, let them struggle. Remember, people change when they're ready to change,

32:03and sometimes it takes people a very long time to change. Sometimes it takes someone going through a lot of

32:11painful experiences before they wake up and discover the strength within themselves. You're not responsible

32:17for rescuing people from their problems, so stop doing it. Let them learn from life.

32:23Understand the difference between supporting somebody and actually enabling them by solving their problems for them.

32:31It sounds harsh, but it's actually one of the most loving things that you can do because you're also saying,

32:37I believe in your ability to do the work to change. I believe that when you're ready, you will change,

32:44and the second that you are ready to accept the help, I will be right there to give it to you.

32:50But in the meantime, I'm not responsible for solving your problems, and I'm going to let you learn from life.

32:57Let's jump into the third thing that you're not responsible for. You're not responsible for making

33:02people understand your choices. Let them misunderstand you. Let them think you're wrong,

33:07misguided, or strange. Let them think it's cringy because you're not responsible for making people

33:12understand. You know, like I keep telling you, there's something in life that you will never be

33:18able to control, and that's other people. What they think, what they do, what they believe,

33:23whether or not they understand what's going on, or they're questioning you, that means you cannot

33:28control what another person thinks about you, about what you're doing, about what you're wearing,

33:34about your career moves. You will never, ever, ever, ever be able to control that. So you got to learn

33:42how to let people think what they're going to think, and you got to learn how to let them

33:45misunderstand you. You know, I'm going to give you an example. The other day, I was driving down this

33:49road. I'm up in New England. It's beautiful. I'm in this rural area. It's kind of like one of those

33:54highways in a rural area that's two lanes, 45 miles an hour. We're by a river, driving through

34:00the mountains. And suddenly, off in the distance, I see this person, and I'm like, what is that person

34:07doing? They're on the other side of the road. They're kind of coming toward me. I couldn't quite

34:11make out what they were doing. And as they got closer, I was like, oh my God, they're riding a

34:17unicycle. I kid you not. Sure enough, when I got close, there was this person riding a unicycle

34:24on the side of the highway, just like it's what everybody does. I have no idea why they were

34:30doing that. It was the strangest thing I'd ever seen. I had no idea why somebody would want to

34:34ride a unicycle down a highway. But you want to know what? I don't need to understand. Because that

34:40person riding the unicycle down the highway in the middle of New England, they're living their best

34:45life. They're making a decision that made them happy. No one needs to understand them. No one

34:52needs to understand how they wake up in the morning and go, you know what? I think I'm going to ride my

34:57unicycle down the highway today. Don't you and I deserve to go through life like that? Like our

35:03unicycle friend? Knowing that it doesn't matter what other people think. I don't need to explain

35:08myself. My actions are self-explanatory. I'm doing what I feel like doing. And if somebody has a

35:14problem with that, let them. If somebody thinks I'm an idiot for riding a unicycle, let them. If

35:19somebody thinks it's kind of cool that I can balance like that on the side of a highway and

35:22just carry on in my happy way, let them. Because knowing that you're responsible for your choices

35:29is power. The only person the unicycle needed to make sense to was the guy riding it. So now let me

35:35turn it back to you and me. The only person your decisions need to make sense to is you. There is

35:42nothing that that unicycle rider could have done to guarantee my approval or to guarantee that I'd

35:48understand what he was doing and where he was going and why he was riding a unicycle in the first

35:53place. And why should he be concerned about that? He should be concerned about the decisions that he's

35:59making. See, the things that you feel called to do, the changes that you want to make, the goals that

36:05you have, the things on your bucket list, the wishes that you hold in your heart, the modes

36:11of transportation that you want to go on, they're all for you. They're not for other people. They're

36:18not supposed to make sense to other people. Your dreams are for you. That's why other people don't

36:22understand them. I mean, can you imagine a world where you stop trying to make everyone else understand

36:27your choices, where you stop making someone else's validation or requirement before you can do

36:32something? I really want you to think about that. Think about something that you want to do right

36:39now. Maybe it's something you've wanted to do for a while. I bet you're not doing it because you're

36:46afraid other people won't understand or support your decision. That's why you have to let them

36:52misunderstand you. And here's something that's really important to say. Oftentimes, what I've found is

37:01that when you make changes in your life, it's the people who are closest to you that don't

37:06understand why you're changing. We always love people from our point of view. So when your family

37:11or friends are questioning you and they don't understand you, they are questioning you from

37:15their point of view. They're loving you from their point of view. They're seeing your decision

37:20through their fears, their limits, their life experiences. So they're not reacting from

37:27your lens. They don't live inside your body. So they don't know what feels right for you.

37:37For example, if your grandmother or grandfather's never quit a job without a backup plan,

37:43when you go into business for yourself and you quit that job, that sounds reckless.

37:49They're trying to understand this from their experience. If they've never been in therapy,

37:56the second that you start to say, no, I'm not going to change my plans. You guys have fun with

38:02grandma. It's going to sound really cold. They've never walked away from a toxic breakup. So your

38:07breakup makes them start to consider something in their own relationship. They've never stopped

38:12drinking. Your sobriety seems like a threat. I've heard this over and over again.

38:18Understand that when you're changing in your life, the people closest to you are often the least

38:24supportive. And you're going to want your partner to understand. You're going to want your parents

38:29to understand. You're going to want everybody in your life to get on board and be excited about your

38:34new morning routine or the fact that you want to become an influencer, that you're going to change

38:38your marriage, you're going to get divorced, or you're going to move to a different country.

38:42You want them to support that you're becoming vegan. But what do they do instead? They make snide

38:47remarks because they don't understand it. And it's not fair, but that's what they do.

38:52Here's another example. Like maybe you're thinking about going back to school, right? The kids are

38:57gone. You want to go back to school, but all you're getting are questions. Well, how are you going to

39:00manage it? How are you going to pay for it? How are you going to feel being the oldest or the youngest

39:03person in that classroom? Really? You've been out of school for a long time. I mean, it's kind of cool,

39:08but isn't that a lot? That's why it's critical for you to understand. It's not your responsibility

39:14to make people understand what you're doing. In fact, I want you to expect as your friend that

39:20they're not going to understand it because they're not doing it. You're the one doing it. And I want

39:25to give you a few more real life examples because it is so liberating to just go through life and

39:32let people misunderstand you and just assume that they are, right? Like when you move out of town and

39:38you want a fresh start, your friends are going to go, well, why are you leaving? Like we just all

39:44moved here. Oh my gosh, so-and-so is moving it. Why are you leaving? And you explain it 10 different

39:49ways, hoping one's going to click and it never does. It's a waste of your energy. Here's the answer.

39:55I'm moving because I'm moving. Let them misunderstand. You don't owe anybody an explanation,

40:01especially if it makes you miserable constantly trying to explain yourself. Or let's say you do leave

40:07your job to go launch your business. It's been a dream of yours for years. And your parents, oh my

40:12God, they cannot stop talking about security and benefits and how's this going to work. And so you

40:19sit them down and then you're getting a lecture about the economy and all the changes. And you try

40:24to walk them through your plan again and again and again, and they don't get it. Or you decide to

40:31not have a traditional wedding. And oh my God, you got to spend weeks explaining to your grandmother

40:36why you're not doing the big wedding, why you're not wearing white, why you're not inviting 200

40:40people. Grandma had this vision about how it was all going to go. Let her misunderstand. Send her the

40:47invite. Let her complain to somebody else. Or here's a big one. You choose not to have children.

40:53Every holiday, like clockwork, somebody has to ask. So you think you're going to change your mind?

41:00As if I've decided not to have children is not a respectable answer. You are not responsible for

41:08explaining yourself to people. You're not responsible for people understanding you.

41:12Let them misunderstand. Let them be confused. You're responsible for knowing what's right for

41:19you. You're responsible for making decisions you can live with. You're responsible for trusting

41:24yourself enough that someone's confusion doesn't shake your clarity. You're responsible for letting

41:30other people be uncomfortable with your choices and choosing them anyway, because they are going

41:36to be uncomfortable. You're the one who's doing it for the first time. Own that. All it takes is one

41:41person in a family to break the mold. All it takes is one person to do something different. And mark my

41:48words, you ready for the really annoying thing? Two years from now, everybody that questioned

41:53your decision to start that business is going to be bragging about your new business.

41:57Three years from now, your sober lifestyle has inspired a ton of your friends and a ton of new

42:03friends. And you were the one. You were the one who took responsibility for making choices that you

42:10understand and making choices that make you happy instead of worrying about explaining it to everybody

42:16else. And I want to dive into the research here because this is really important. Harvard University's

42:21Dr. Nicholas Epley and colleagues of his did research on how people understand each other.

42:27And guess what? They don't. They don't. In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social

42:34Psychology, he and his fellow researchers found something fascinating. Even when people genuinely

42:41try to understand your viewpoint, their own perspective gets in the way. I mean, it's common sense,

42:46right? They can't help but filter everything through their own experiences, biases, and assumptions.

42:53They see you as the guy in the unicycle. What kind of an idiot goes down the highway on a unicycle

42:59when you could drive a car or ride a bike? That means you can explain yourself until you're blue in the

43:05face. But no one will ever fully get you. And you can't control whether or not they ever do.

43:14So what does this mean? This means whatever their assumptions and worries are about what you're

43:20doing, that's not your job to manage. Save your energy for living your life, not defending it.

43:26Let them. Let them be confused. And let me be clear. Let them question me. And let me just stand firm in a

43:34simple answer. Let them have their opinions and let me have my boundaries. Let them disagree. Let me keep

43:39going. Let them not get it. I mean, stop explaining myself. Let them talk. Let me live. And the fourth

43:48thing you're not responsible for. You are not responsible for proving your worth. Let them

43:54underestimate you. I know you think, well, Mel, but if everybody likes me and sees my value, then I'm good.

44:01Like me, you've been getting it all backwards. You think self-worth comes from everybody else liking

44:06you. It's actually the opposite. Self-worth comes from you liking who you already are. That's the real

44:14success in life, liking yourself. Being okay with yourself is the key to showing up, getting things

44:21done, and building the life that you want. It's everything. That's why understanding that you're not

44:26responsible for other people seeing your value or other people liking you, this might be the most

44:33important thing that you hear me say today. Now, this might sound kind of similar to number three.

44:39You know, number three was it's not your responsibility to make other people understand

44:43your decisions. But there's a very crucial difference between wanting people to understand

44:50the choices that you make and needing people to validate your worth. I want to read to you again

44:56from the let them theory because I dedicate an entire section in the book to using the theory to

45:05stop giving people power and to stop seeking your worth and other people's opinions. This is on page

45:1379 in a chapter titled, let them think bad thoughts about you. The truth is people will have negative

45:20opinions about you and there's absolutely nothing you can do to change this fact. When you allow your fear

45:25of what other people think to stop you from doing what you want to do, you become a prisoner to other

45:31people's opinions. This fear impacts every aspect of your life. It makes you procrastinate. It makes you

45:37doubt yourself and question your worth. It can paralyze you with perfectionism. It's the reason why you

45:44overthink. This is where that ends. It's time to give people the freedom to think what they want.

45:51Let them. And it's time to set yourself free and let me make the small moves boldly and unapologetically

46:00that over time transform your life. See, you're wasting too much of your life and your time trying

46:08to get other people to see your worth. And I'm not just talking about strangers here. I'm talking about

46:12people you know, your friends, your family, your high school classmates that are on social media and

46:18you haven't seen them in person in 15 years. You're worried about what they think. Your old boss

46:23who never considered you for a promotion, even though you worked your tail off. You post something

46:29on Instagram that you're proud of. Two seconds later, you're checking to see if somebody else

46:33liked it, which means that you're worthy. You finally launched the thing you've been dreaming of. And

46:38all you can think about is who's not clapping, who's rolling their eyes, who's still not impressed.

46:45So what do you do? You shrink. You stop moving forward. You question whether or not you should.

46:52You question your worth because of what other people think and do. Here's some other examples.

46:58Maybe you don't invite people over to your house because you're afraid that they're going to see

47:01the pile of laundry on the couch or the full sink of dishes or that your furniture is a mismatch of

47:07things that have been passed down and it doesn't really look like an Instagram post. Or maybe you

47:12devalue yourself because you go out of your way to impress your partner's family,

47:17even if it means acting like someone you're not, as if there's something wrong with you. And look,

47:24there's nothing wrong with wanting other people to like you. But when you change who you are in order

47:31to get the acceptance, that's the problem. That's why it's not your responsibility to have other people

47:39see your worth. You have to see it first. If you've ever abandoned a hobby or a personal project

47:44or anything that brings you joy because somebody questioned you about it or teased your ambition,

47:51or you felt embarrassed to tell people that scrapbooking is your obsession, that's you devaluing

47:59yourself. That's you putting your worth in somebody else's opinion. If you're a business owner

48:05and you underprice your products or you give your services at a lower value or worse,

48:13you give discounts to people that you know, because you feel like they're not going to see

48:20your true worth. And somehow you value the friendship over the value of the service.

48:25You've come on, you've done this. You've given free interior design services. You've helped somebody

48:30with their social media. You've given people legal advice or real estate advice. How many hours did

48:36you sit with a friend and guide them through the IEP process, even though you work in this area of

48:42assessing kids for learning disabilities? Don't do that. And so let me read to you from the let them

48:48theory, because learning how to let people think bad thoughts about you, learning to let people not

48:56like you, learning to let people not see your value and not twist yourself in half trying to prove it to

49:02people, this will change your life. I'm reading from page 84 in the section, let them think bad

49:08thoughts about you. I'm sure you struggle with the same fear I used to when it comes to putting yourself

49:13out there. Whether it's your business, your art, your music, your videos, or posting a photo of yourself

49:18in a bathing suit. When you censor yourself because of other people's opinions, you devalue your own

49:27worth. And that's why you cover up your acne and insist on standing on your good side in every photo.

49:34You're devaluing yourself as you are. And this is the same reason why you don't speak up in meetings

49:40or online. You're afraid to look bad. And at work, you're afraid to sound bad. You're afraid of what

49:46other people will think if they see or hear the real you because you place more value on what they

49:51think than on what you think of yourself. And every time you edit a post or you stay silent in class or

49:57at work or you hide in the back of a group photo, you know what you're engaging in? Self-rejection.

50:04That's what's happening. And it's subtle, but it's true because you're the one telling yourself

50:10you're not good enough as you are. You're the one who doesn't see your own value. The constant

50:17questioning, editing, deleting, overthinking, asking other people, does this look good?

50:21It only magnifies your self-doubt because you're the one questioning your worth. And most advice on

50:26this topic sucks. Most people tell you to just stop caring about what other people think, but no one

50:31tells you how. It's time for a new approach. This is where the let them theory helps you squash this

50:38fear once and for all. Give people the freedom to think negative thoughts about you. Let people

50:45not see your worth. This is a radically beautiful idea that will unlock your confidence. It will free

50:51your self-expression and catapult you into a whole new chapter of your life. Give people the freedom

50:58to think something negative about you. Let them. Because until you can let people think something

51:05negative about you, you're going to have trouble thinking positive about yourself because you've

51:10been so busy managing what other people think. How could you value what you think about yourself?

51:18Here's what you are responsible for. Instead of wasting all your time on them, focus on yourself.

51:23You're responsible for recognizing your own value, even when other people don't. You're responsible

51:29for building your dreams, your career, your life, not to impress other people, but in order

51:34to impress yourself, to fulfill yourself, to live your life in a way that makes you proud. That's

51:40how you feel worthy. You're responsible for showing up with integrity, consistency, and effort. Not

51:46because you owe it to anybody else, but because you deserve to be proud of the way you live. In fact,

51:55you owe it to yourself. And in case you're not convinced yet, just check out this research.

52:00Researcher Christopher Sarasoli and his team with the Group for Organizational Effectiveness

52:05analyzed over a hundred studies on motivation, and then they published what they found in motivation

52:11and emotion. They looked at 108 studies altogether, tens of thousands of people,

52:17tracking how feeling capable, connected, and in control affects performance in the real world.

52:22Now, it turns out when you're motivated from the inside, meaning you're motivated to do better

52:29for you, you do better, way better. Quality goes way up. When you tie your performance, on the other

52:37hand, to things outside of you, like cash or praise or approval from somebody else, that light and that

52:43fire within you, it starts to dim. You got to see it for you. Let them not see it. That's not your

52:49responsibility. Your responsibility is you seeing it and acting accordingly. And according to research

52:57by Dr. Kristen Neff of the University of Texas, this was published in Self and Identity, the more you tie

53:03your self-worth to external validation, to other people's opinions, to what other people think about

53:09you, the more emotionally unstable you become. Holy smokes. Turns out people who rely on internal sources

53:18of self-worth. People who see their value as stable and not dependent on praise from the outside or

53:26criticism. You're more resilient. You're less anxious. And over time, way more successful. See,

53:34the secret isn't getting more applause. It's caring less about who's clapping. And as long as you're

53:39clapping for yourself, you're winning. Let them talk behind my back. Let me build something I can be

53:44proud of. Let them doubt me. Let me keep showing up because I'm showing up for me. I'm not showing

53:48up for these people that might clap, might not. Who cares? I'm clapping. Let them think I'm not enough.

53:56Let me know I am. And the proof is in how I show up because I show up for me. So let this conversation

54:04today be your wake-up call. You're in charge. And this realization is not a condemnation. It's a

54:10liberation. I mean, isn't it incredible to know that you're not responsible for other people? You're

54:16not responsible for their happiness. You're not responsible for solving their problems. You're not

54:20responsible for making them understand. And you're certainly not responsible for forcing them to see

54:27your worth. You're responsible for you. Isn't it incredible to know that others can't affect you and

54:34waste your time the way that they have, in my case, for decades? Isn't it liberating to know

54:38that people can say and do what they want? They can make fun. They can doubt. And you're going to be

54:44unbothered? How amazing is it that you get to be in control? How unbelievable that you get to choose

54:50what you're going to pour your time and energy into, what you get to say yes to, and what you get to say

54:55no to. Taking back your power means reclaiming responsibility for your life. It means demanding more

55:03of yourself because time is ticking. And like me, you've wasted enough of it worrying about things

55:10that don't matter and taking responsibility for things that were never yours to manage. And it means

55:17being laser focused on the things you can control and not giving a single second to the things that

55:24you can't and that were never your problem to begin with. And in case no one else tells you,

55:30as your friend, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in your ability

55:35to create a better life. And the second you start using everything we talked about to stop taking

55:43responsibility for things that were never yours to manage, I promise you, my friend, your life is

55:48going to get so much better. And I know you know that's true too. Alrighty. I'll see you in the very

55:54next episode. I'll be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there.

55:58And thank you for being here with me on YouTube and watching all the way to the end and sharing

56:03this with everybody that you know, because this episode will make it easier to stop taking

56:09responsibility for all that stuff. Let's just spread the love around. And speaking of love,

56:14how about you show your friend Mel Robbins a little love, hit subscribe. It's a way that you

56:18can support me and my team for showing up here and supporting you. And speaking of support,

56:23I know you want to know what's the next best video to watch. Oh, you're going to love this one.

56:27This is a really good one. And I'll be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play.

56:31I'll see you there.

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