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00:00Betty White in Life with Elizabeth, featuring Del Moore.
00:20Incident number one in the life of Elizabeth occurred the day everything went wrong.
00:25We all have those days, but when Elizabeth has one, she doesn't fool around.
00:30Everything went wrong, but maybe things are all right by now.
00:36Elizabeth, how are you tonight?
00:41I'm sorry.
00:43Isn't that the finger you hurt earlier today?
00:47Too bad.
00:49Were you able to get the ink out of the rug?
00:53How's the burned elbow?
00:55No.
00:58Good.
00:59How's the sprained toe?
01:02Much better.
01:04I have a feeling things will start going right from now on.
01:07May we see the wallpaper you picked out?
01:09I have a feeling things will start going right from now on.
01:11I have a feeling things will start going right from now on.
01:13I have a feeling things will start going right from now on.
01:14I have a feeling things will start going right from now on.
01:15I have a feeling things will start going right from now on.
01:16I have a feeling things will start going right from now on.
01:17I have a feeling things will start going right from now on.
01:18I have a feeling things will start going right from now on.
01:19I have a feeling things will start going right from now on.
01:20I have a feeling things will start going right from now on.
01:21I have a feeling things will start going right from now on.
01:22I don't know.
01:52Cigarettes
01:58Paper man said there was a storm brewing
02:01And I see he's right
02:01Look at that face
02:03Alvin, I've had a bad day
02:06And I preferred if you'd just skip the funny stuff
02:08You know what's the matter with you?
02:11You get mad at inanimate objects
02:13I do not
02:14Sure you do
02:15Just now you burned yourself on the lap
02:16And what'd you do?
02:17You tried to take a swing at the light bulb
02:18I did not
02:20All right, look
02:21Let's go through the list of mishaps
02:24Now, how did you burn your elbow?
02:28On the stove
02:29And then you went in the other room to spill the ink
02:30How did that happen?
02:32Well, the buzzer on the stove made me jump
02:34Uh-huh
02:34And then you smashed your finger
02:36How did that happen?
02:37On the stove
02:38And how did you spring your toe?
02:42I kicked the stove
02:43Now it's time to laugh
02:47Is it?
02:49Well, sure
02:50Honey, I know you
02:51Any minute now you'll see something funny
02:52In the whole situation
02:54And you'll laugh
02:55Now, what were you doing in the other room just now?
02:59I was chasing the stupid wallpaper up the wall
03:02Oh, you'd have died laughing, Alvin
03:05I held the wallpaper up against the wall like this
03:07And it wrapped itself around my arm
03:09Like a boa constrictor
03:11Well, any other time that'd make you laugh
03:13Would you care to go into the snake pit with me
03:16And try for a few people?
03:18Sure
03:18Look, I have a feeling that you've had your last accident of the evening
03:22Well, maybe you're right
03:24What's the matter?
03:29Splinter
03:29Now, come on
03:33Now, let's take a look at the more constrictors of yours
03:42Hold it against the wall
03:45Wall?
03:48Like this?
03:49Now reach for the yardstick
03:50Funny?
03:58Well, what's the big idea of holding it against the wall anyway?
04:01Mainly because it's wallpaper
04:03Look, all you want to do is to see the pattern, right?
04:06Here
04:06I guess you're right
04:08Sure, I'm right
04:10Now
04:15This is the one I picked out for this room
04:17You hold it down at that end
04:18Mm-hmm
04:19What do you think?
04:22Let me look at it
04:22Time to laugh now, Elvin?
04:28Don't be ridiculous, Elizabeth
04:29Get something to put on it
04:31Here
04:31A book or something
04:32Elizabeth
04:33Elizabeth, let me get
04:37Look, put the book down there on that end
04:40I'll hold it down here
04:41See what you think of this one
04:42That isn't bad
04:43I thought you put a book down at this
04:45Well, I did, but you got it
04:46Elizabeth, let me have this one
04:48Now wait
04:48No, no
04:49What's so funny?
04:55Nothing, I'm hysterical
04:57I thought your sense of humor would take over by now
05:00Wait
05:01Honey, give me another book
05:03You're not hysterical
05:04You did think of something
05:05Give me another book
05:05Yeah
05:06All right, now come here
05:11You come on, I'm here
05:12Here
05:13Here
05:14Here
05:15Okay, you ready?
05:20What are we doing?
05:22A dime says this roll is faster than yours
05:24Okay
05:27Here we go
05:27One, two, three, go
05:30Hey, wait a minute
05:33This is fun
05:34Let's have another go
05:36Hey, now wait a minute
05:37Oh, now, now
05:38Honey, you pushed yours
05:40That's not fair
05:40No, I didn't, honey
05:41These are just faster colors than those
05:43That's all
05:43I shall leave you at this point, Elizabeth
05:46Why?
05:48I think there's some faster wallpaper out in the garage
05:50I'll be right back
05:51Wait
05:51Elizabeth, a big girl like you
05:56Aren't you ashamed?
05:58The number two in the life of Elizabeth
06:05Occurred because
06:06She's a little on the tender-hearted side
06:08When it comes to animals
06:09I wouldn't want to say she overdoes this tendency
06:13But Alvin might
06:15Okay, fellas
06:20Dinner's ready
06:21Let me wash up, honey
06:25And I'll be right with you
06:25Not you silly
06:27I mean the birds
06:28Look, darling
06:29Aren't they cute?
06:31I don't see any birds
06:32They're still in the bushes
06:34There's Charlie over there
06:37And there's Rupert up in the tree
06:40Look
06:40Rupert?
06:41I call him Rupert
06:43Because he's so many different colors
06:44Rupert colors?
06:46I don't know
06:47No, Rupert Hughes
06:48I had the bird a lot of times
06:55But I've never seen a situation with
06:56Get a load of the buzzard over by the fence
07:00Buzzard
07:03Morning, Mrs. Skinridge
07:05Just feeding the birds
07:08How do you like that?
07:09I'd like to look over there one time
07:11Without seeing her head hanging over the fence
07:12You know, I'm beginning to forget
07:14What the rest of her looks like
07:16Oh, she's very thin
07:18As a matter of fact
07:20Do you see those two fence posts
07:21Standing right next to each other?
07:22Yeah
07:23Wave to the one on the left
07:25She'll be watching every move
07:32We make the rest of the afternoon
07:33You would think that we'd have one day
07:36When I could look over there
07:37And not see that head
07:38Hanging over the fence
07:39Gets to be part of the back
07:41What are you looking at?
07:46What's this one of these ants?
07:48Look at this
07:48Is this leading up to a joke about uncles?
07:53Huh?
07:54Seriously, darling
07:55They say ants are the most intelligent form of life
07:58Look at this
08:01Look, honey
08:03Hundreds of them all busily engaged in some kind of work
08:07See?
08:08I'll say one thing for them
08:09They're quiet
08:10Sure they're quiet
08:12They're all barefooted
08:14I don't see anything intelligent about ants
08:18Look at them
08:20They keep bumping into each other
08:21Don't forget
08:22Don't forget I've seen you drive a car
08:23I still say they're not intelligent
08:27Look at that Stoop trying to carry a telephone pole
08:31They're so smart
08:32Why doesn't somebody help him?
08:35Well, maybe the others all belong to a different union or something
08:38Uh-oh, uh-oh, look at Stoop
08:41He's having trouble
08:42There's a pebble in the road
08:45Oh, that won't bother Fred
08:47He'll go around
08:48That's his name
08:52Fred's a genius
08:53He'll go around the pebble
08:54Watch
08:54Bet you a dime
08:57He tries to carry the telephone pole over the top of the pebble
08:59A bet
09:01Bet
09:01Now, don't crowd him, Alvin
09:04Give him room
09:04He's coming up to the pebble
09:07Over the top, Fred
09:09Over the top
09:10Don't go around it, Fred
09:11There's lots of room
09:12Come on, Fred
09:12Over the top
09:13Come on, don't listen to Alvin
09:14Come on
09:14Oh, Fred
09:15Don't let me down
09:16Oh, two can play at that game
09:20All right, Freddy
09:21Oh, no, Fred
09:24You're giving him signals
09:25What do you mean, signals?
09:26I'm not doing any more than you
09:27Fred, come on
09:28Fred, snap
09:29Hi, Mrs. Skinridge
09:40It was the aunt
09:43He was carrying a telephone pole
09:45He had a bet
09:47Never mind
09:50She thinks we flipped our lid anyway
09:52I think he's kind of carried away
09:54I mean, you don't think her head is caught in the fence, do you?
10:02Elizabeth, did you know that we have a baby volcano on our front lawn?
10:08Where?
10:09Right there, that little mountain
10:11Oh, that
10:13That's Floyd's house
10:15Who's Floyd?
10:19Fred or Rupert's
10:20Elizabeth, when you start naming worms, you've gone too far
10:24Alvin, do you really think I'd be so silly as to give a name to a worm?
10:29Well, don't forget, I just met Fred
10:31Now, who's this character, Floyd?
10:33A gopher
10:34A gopher?
10:37Seriously, honey
10:38He's so cute
10:39And he's smart, too
10:40I'm teaching him to sit up
10:41How can you say a thing like that?
10:45Gophers are pests
10:46Why, they chew the roots of all of the plants
10:49You watch, in three months' time
10:50That little beast will chew every plant that we have
10:53They even pull them down from under the ground
10:55Not Floyd
10:57They do
10:57He doesn't even like roots
10:59I feed him carrots and warm cereal
11:02Oh, sweetie
11:03His beady little eyes light up in excitement
11:05When I see what I'm drinking
11:06Maybe you can explain that, Elizabeth
11:20Maybe you watered it too much and it shrank
11:26I intend to do something about that gopher
11:29And that's all there is to
11:29Oh, please, honey
11:32After all, that's the very first plant he's ever eaten
11:35It'll be the last plant he'll eat, too
11:36Oh, no
11:37He's so cute
11:38And besides, that's a great big plant
11:40It'll probably be weeks before he can finish all that
11:43Please
11:44Oh, please
11:45Well, if Floyd means that much to you, dear
11:50Probably be a couple of weeks, huh?
12:06Well, maybe he's giving a party
12:07Can't you see what he's doing?
12:10He's coming right down the line
12:12And this one is next on his list
12:15I never saw the day that one measly little gopher could eat three whole plants
12:19One maybe, possibly two, but...
12:23How do you like that?
12:36Termite
12:37And I'll fix him
12:41Look out, Floyd
12:43He's getting a hammer
12:47Won't do any good to warn him
12:49I'll stay here three weeks if I have to
12:50Come out of there, Lloyd
12:51He's not kidding, Floyd
12:52I'm not kidding, I'm not kidding
12:53He's moving, here he comes
12:56Here he comes
12:57Get it?
12:58Come on, what?
12:58I blow dirt in my face
13:01I'll get you, Floyd
13:02Oh, he's in there
13:05Beast
13:06You make one false move and eat my plants with you
13:09Come out of there, Floyd
13:09Floyd
13:11Come out!
13:14Alvin, here's Floyd
13:16Never mind that, I want to get this with him
13:18Take him away!
13:19He'll bite
13:20Come in
13:21Oh, isn't he cute?
13:23He has another entrance over there, darling
13:25Are you sure he's not bite?
13:26Come on, Becky
13:27Now, how could you be mean to a little fella like this?
13:29Hey, I think he likes me
13:32Well, sure he does
13:34Now, aren't you ashamed for...
13:36Come back here
13:37Aren't you ashamed for living in this house?
13:38Hey, I think he winked at me
13:40Aye, Floyd
13:41Darling, he's crying
13:44Oh, good, geez, Floyd
13:46Uncle Alvin's gonna fix you a nice new house
13:52Well, sure, look at him
13:54We'll put him all over the yard
14:02Hi
14:03Hi, Mrs. Gingrich
14:05Hi, Floyd
14:07Alvin was digging a hole for a gopher
14:11Named Floyd
14:11Number three in the life of Elizabeth
14:19Started out as just another one of those nights
14:22Elizabeth was finishing up the dinner dishes
14:24And Alvin was on the phone
14:26Talking to his friend, Harry
14:28Yeah, I'm sorry Harry, no poker tonight
14:32We've been trapped
14:34Guess what we'll be doing?
14:36Don't ask me how it happened.
14:38All I know is we're taking care of one of the neighbor's kids.
14:42Well, Elizabeth met this kid's mother.
14:44There's a woman she hardly knows, by the way,
14:46and they started making these female-type arrangements,
14:48and all of a sudden, I'm a father.
14:52Yeah, we'll have to make it some other night.
14:54Yeah. Okay, Harry. Bye.
15:02Who's that, honey?
15:03I was just explaining to Harry why we're babysitting.
15:05Now, maybe you'd explain it to me.
15:07Who is this kid, anyway?
15:09Well, I told you, darling, that...
15:11You see, I have to walk by the school on my way to the market,
15:14and if this little kid just happened to see me,
15:17and you know how kids are.
15:19Yeah, he sounds like a little wolf.
15:21Anyway, his mother says she has quite a problem with him,
15:24and he doesn't like most people.
15:26Oh, he sounds delightful.
15:29So, when she said that he seemed to like me,
15:32I was kind of flattered.
15:34Before I knew what I was saying,
15:36I told her she could send him over here some evening.
15:39His name's Eddie Miller.
15:41Oh, well, sweetie.
15:42Let's make the best of it.
15:43Yeah, wait a minute.
15:50It's not that little...
15:51that little smart aleck down the block, is it?
15:53I don't know, darling.
15:54I've never seen the boy.
15:55See, he saw me when I walked by the school.
15:58No, no, you know the one I mean, honey.
15:59That little freckle-faced monster that stopped me a few days ago
16:02and asked me why it rained.
16:03What did you tell him?
16:05Well, I told him it rained so things would grow,
16:07like pears and apples and flowers and so on.
16:10What did he say?
16:12He said, oh, yeah?
16:13Then how come it rains on the sidewalk?
16:19Oh, kids are funny.
16:21Yeah.
16:22I used to embarrass my mother all the time.
16:25She must have changed a lot.
16:28Now, cut that off.
16:35I remember we had this neighbor of ours.
16:38We're sick, you know?
16:39Mm-hmm.
16:40And Mama said,
16:41Elizabeth, go on over and see how old Mrs. Cooper is this morning.
16:45Then what happened?
16:47Mrs. Cooper said it was none of Mama's business, huh?
16:53I think it happened to be years ago.
16:55Well, we can't sit here reminiscing.
16:57Get ready.
16:58What I like about you, Elizabeth,
16:59when you're through with the conversation,
17:00you don't fool around.
17:02Yeah, you want to open that?
17:04What is it?
17:05Well, I thought we ought to have some toys for Eddie to play with.
17:12Honey, if the kid's in school,
17:13he won't want to play with blocks.
17:16You never know, honey.
17:19Oh, he'll love this.
17:23Hey, why didn't you make arrangements to have us babysit
17:25with a 19-year-old brunette or something?
17:30Now, let's both go to the door and make your little fellow feel welcome.
17:32Aw, Eddie.
17:36Come on in, Eddie.
17:45Excuse me.
17:46Well, we were expecting someone else.
17:49You hear what my wife said?
17:50We were expecting someone else.
17:51College fraternity's down the street a couple blocks.
17:55We don't need any subscriptions, young man.
17:57I'm Eddie Miller.
17:59Eddie Miller?
18:01Is this the kid?
18:04I don't know.
18:06He's so big and intelligent looking.
18:08Mama sent me over.
18:13Oh, come on in, Eddie.
18:15We've got some toys for you to play with, Ed.
18:19Elvin.
18:21You go right here and sit right down.
18:33There.
18:34What are we talking...
18:42How old are you, Eddie?
18:4519.
18:47Of course, darling.
18:48A 19-year-old brunette.
18:52What school do you go to, Eddie?
18:55What school do you go to, Eddie?
18:57City College.
18:59Maybe I didn't say it right.
19:01Are you a sophomore, son?
19:06I say, are you a sophomore?
19:08Are you a sophomore, Eddie?
19:10Oh, yes.
19:13Elvin, don't keep the boy.
19:15Well, it's a little difficult trying to be sociable
19:17looking at a head of hair.
19:19Eddie's just shy, aren't you, Eddie?
19:22Well...
19:23I don't know.
19:24I don't know.
19:29Okay, you can turn back now.
19:32I'd forgotten what you looked like.
19:34Elvin, please.
19:37Why don't you take these toys in the other room?
19:40The amount of intelligence the boy's shown so far,
19:43I'd better not take the toys too far away.
19:45None of them.
19:51Eddie, you know, you don't have to be shy with me.
19:58You know something?
20:00You act like a boy in love.
20:04Well, I... I am.
20:06I thought so.
20:08And you want somebody to talk it over with, is that it?
20:10Mm-hmm.
20:11Tell me all about her.
20:13Well, she's...
20:15She's wonderful, and she's beautiful,
20:17and I love her.
20:19Of course, she's a little older than I am.
20:21Well, that shouldn't make a bit of difference,
20:23if you really love her.
20:25Oh, I love her.
20:26But it's hopeless.
20:28Now, true love is never hopeless.
20:30Besides, she'd be a lucky girl to have a fellow like you.
20:34She doesn't even know I exist.
20:36Then you must do something about it.
20:38I'll help you.
20:41Who is she?
20:43You.
20:45I...
20:47I...
20:49Hey, are you sure you won't need this?
20:56I hate him.
20:58Now, Eddie, you mustn't talk like that.
21:01He's my husband, and I love him.
21:04Oh, I know it's hopeless.
21:05In fact, the only thing to do in a case like this is...
21:09kill myself.
21:11Now, Eddie, will you listen to me for a minute?
21:13You know, you're really being awfully nice about this whole thing.
21:16I know it must be pretty tough on you to be married to a...
21:19a nasty old man like that.
21:21Uh...
21:23Alvin isn't nasty.
21:26I mean...
21:28He's...
21:29He was.
21:31Every time he comes near you, I want to throttle him with my bare hands.
21:36Now, Eddie, you're just excited.
21:38So am I.
21:40School.
21:41Let's talk about school.
21:42They, um...
21:45They say the...
21:46the square of the hypotenuse is a nice thing to have on a right triangle.
21:51When he touches you...
21:53My blood boils.
21:56What's, um...
21:58What's new in algebra?
22:02Don't worry.
22:03I realize how hopeless it is.
22:06But after I kill myself...
22:09I think I'll kill him.
22:14Eddie, now listen.
22:16Well, how the little old baby coming along, huh?
22:19Alvin, please.
22:21We're getting along just fine, darling.
22:24You can't tell me a kid this big needs a babysitter.
22:28I bet he maneuvered the whole thing just to be near you, hi, Elizabeth.
22:31Well, you never know what a boy like Eddie's thinking, Alvin.
22:37Why don't you go change the needle on the phonograph?
22:41I mean, wait a minute.
22:42We don't have any phonographs.
22:45Something's talking too much.
22:48She's always telling these funny jokes.
22:51Don't you wish you had a girl like this, Eddie, huh?
22:54Oh.
22:55What's going on here, anyway?
22:56Nothing.
22:57Nothing, Alvin.
22:58Uh, uh, Eddie and I were just talking about the hypotenuse of a right triangle.
23:01What's going on?
23:02What's going on here, anyway?
23:03Nothing, nothing, Alvin.
23:04Uh, uh, Eddie and I were just talking about the hypotenuse of a right triangle.
23:08Oh, I didn't say triangle.
23:14Now there's a stupid sentence. I haven't heard one.
23:15What's going on here, anyway?
23:16Nothing, nothing, Alvin.
23:18Eddie and I were just talking about the hypotenuse
23:21of a right triangle.
23:24I was going to say triangle.
23:26Now there's a stupid sentence, I haven't heard one.
23:28Don't you talk to her like that, you nasty old man.
23:32I love her and you don't deserve an angel like that.
23:43Let me belt the kid once, honey.
23:45Alvin, he's calming down.
23:47Hey, hey, can I have this?
23:49Let me give him this, this will do him more.
23:51Hey, yes, you may have that.
23:54Uh, it's a picture of my sister.
23:57Gee, she's cool.
23:59She looks just like you.
24:03He isn't married either.
24:09May I put my arm around her now, Eddie?
24:12Sure, go ahead.
24:13Thanks.
24:14Oh, boy, wait till the fellas at school see this.
24:18What are you laughing about?
24:21I was just thinking.
24:23What a gold mine this college is going to be if you ever get out of line.
24:27Now I don't have to kill myself.
24:31And one thing you can't do, you've got to stop picking on this nasty old man.
24:36That was the funniest thing that happened when you came in the door and I had these blocks of all things.
24:40At least four or five years old.
24:42I even said, if you want to play with any...
24:44Say goodbye to the people.
24:46Goodbye, everybody.
24:47Goodbye, everybody.
24:47Goodbye.
24:48Goodbye.
24:54Goodbye.
24:55Goodbye.
24:57Goodbye.
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