- 21 hours ago
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00:00Thank you very much! Well, it happened again today. I just met a fellow on the
00:20street and he said, Mr. Burns, I'd like to get into television. So I said, are you an
00:26actor? And he said, no. And I said, well, do you sing or dance? And he said, no. I said,
00:34well, have you any talent at all? And he said, not a bit. So I said, what makes you
00:41think that you can get into television? And he said, I thought maybe Gracie had a
00:46sister. You know, this really burns me up. Everybody thinks Gracie has got everything
01:01and that I've got nothing. I got a little news for you. Gracie couldn't do what I'm
01:07doing. She wouldn't smoke a cigar if you gave her a million dollars. And you'd laugh at some
01:15of the questions they ask me. They think actors are different or eccentric or
01:20something. Believe me, an actor is just as normal as any person who goes to see a
01:24psychiatrist. Although psychiatry does help a lot of people. I know a fellow that had
01:32a terrible affliction. He had a goldfish complex. He would sit around for hours and
01:38go. And he had to see a psychiatrist. Had to go there every day for a year. And the doctor
01:49finally told him what caused it. And now when he goes, he knows why.
01:56Incidentally, I've been approached by some of the top psychiatrists of the country. They'd
02:10like to take a look at Gracie. For free. I was even offered a television set. They figure
02:22that the man that can straighten Gracie out would be bigger than Freud. Who was the Clark
02:27Gable of psychiatry. But I said no. I love Gracie just the way she is. I've got a brother
02:35who's married to a very smart woman. He's got to work for a living. Well, I think it's time
02:45now for Gracie and our next-door neighbor, Blanche Morton, to make her entrance.
03:01You know, as I was saying, Blanche, I think Eleonora is the best operator they've got at
03:06that beauty shop. Well, I like the tall, dark-haired girl. The one that's married. Oh, yes. She's
03:12the one whose husband is a melt's wife. That's the one. Yes, yes. Come on. I'll walk you home.
03:19Anyway, my operator's a very clever girl. I wouldn't let anybody else touch my hair. In
03:25fact, you know what she told me today? Women are going to wear their hair longer. Oh, well,
03:29that's ridiculous. I'm already wearing my hair 24 hours a day. No, no, Gracie. She meant
03:38that... You're right. You're right. My operator told me that Barbara Byer split up with her
03:45boyfriend. No. Yes, but it serves Barbara right. She shouldn't use that perfume called my sin
03:51if she's only bluffing. I agree. Yeah, come on. Walk me home. Uh-huh. You know, the only
03:58thing I don't like about your operator is what she once said about carnation milk. What's
04:03she saying? Well, she said she gives it to her three children. Well, honey, that means she
04:08loves it. Oh, no. If she loved carnation milk, she'd certainly have more than three children
04:13to give it to. Gracie, the girl isn't even 20 yet. You can't have children at 9 or 10. My mother
04:22had me at 9.30. Uh-huh. Yeah? Yeah, come on. I'll walk you home. Did I tell you what a terrible
04:33time I had getting an appointment? Oh, yes. You know, Eleanor's booked solid, too, this week because all
04:39the wives are getting fixed up for the Vanderlip party Saturday night. Yeah. You and I are
04:44going to be wallflowers again because George and Harry can't Roomba. Well, it ought to be easy
04:49for them to learn. It certainly ought to be easy for them. Remember the last party, how that
04:55slinky blonde was dancing with Harry? Is that what she was doing? I thought she was pressing
05:02his suit. No, no. They were dancing. Oh, I don't understand, husbands. Before we were
05:09married, Harry used to love to dance with me. Well, George was the same way. You know, he
05:15was dancing with me one night in my living room, and my father came in and threw him out
05:19of the house. He did? Well, yes. You see, my father is a little hard of hearing, and he
05:24couldn't hear the phonograph playing. Oh, I see. Yes. Oh, come on, walk in. Yeah. Oh, those
05:37courtship days were wonderful, weren't they? Oh, yes. You know, one night, George came to visit
05:42me, and he brought me a bag of jelly beans. And we were sitting on the sofa, and my mother
05:46came in and turned out all the lights. Your mother turned out the lights? Yeah, she couldn't
05:51stand to look at George. Oh. Well, I'll bet George didn't waste any time when the lights
05:58were out. Oh, I'll say he didn't. He ate all the black jelly beans. How, how could he pick
06:09out the black ones in the dark? Those are the only kind he brought. Oh. Oh, come on, I'll
06:15walk in. Well, in those days, Harry was full of romance. Now, when he turns out the lights,
06:22it means television. Now, we just watch the wrestling. Oh, I see. Well, I gotta go fix Harry's
06:30lunch. Oh, I've got so much to do. Well, why don't you fix him bacon and eggs? That's
06:34quick and easy. Well, Harry's not very fond of bacon. I'll give him a couple of strips.
06:40Well, sure. With a floor show like that, he'll eat anything. Well, uh, I really have a lot
06:49to do, Gracie, and I'll talk to you later, huh? Yeah, all right. Goodbye, honey. Goodbye. Goodbye.
06:55Well, how do you like that? The least you could do is walk me home.
07:00You know, she's real cute. You know what she said at breakfast today? It said in the paper
07:17that the maternity hospital was giving a prize for the first baby of 51, and she said any
07:23baby born that old deserves a prize. Then there was another article. This was a real killer.
07:30George! George! Oh, pardon me. She thinks I'm in the garden trimming the hedge.
07:41George! George! Here I am, Gracie. Oh, George, could I have the car keys? I have to go downtown.
07:49No, you haven't, you haven't renewed your driver's license. If they catch you without, without a license,
07:54they'll throw you in jail. Well, I'll drive so fast they can't catch me.
07:59I'll be right in. Oh, all right.
08:04You know, Gracie, I'd be glad to drive you downtown, but, uh, but I've got some work to do.
08:12What, uh, what is that? Electric cars. I have them shortened. This one's for the iron,
08:17and this one's for the floor lamp, and this one's for the table lamp.
08:20Well, why, why did you shorten them? To save electricity.
08:28As I was saying, I'd be glad to drive you downtown, but I've got some work to do.
08:32Well, then let me use the car. I'm a very careful driver. It's the other people who are careless.
08:37Look, Gracie... You know, last week I was driving down a one-way street,
08:40and every car I met was going the wrong way.
08:45If you're going downtown, you'll have to walk.
08:48Well, it's awfully far. You wouldn't want me to walk my fingers to the bone.
08:53Walk your fingers to the bone?
08:55You certainly don't want a wife who isn't all there.
08:58I've loved you for 20 years.
09:05Well, I guess I'll change my shoes and get started.
09:10Okay, goodbye, dear.
09:11Goodbye.
09:12But as I was saying to Blanche, I said that my husband was the nicest, the handsomest,
09:19the most thoughtful, the most unselfish, the most talented,
09:23the most generous husband in the whole world.
09:28No car.
09:29No car, no.
09:32The most obstinate, the most stubborn, the most selfish.
09:36Goodbye, dear.
09:37Goodbye.
09:38The most selfish, yes.
09:50How do you like the way she's saving electricity?
09:52Of course, everything Gracie does and says isn't confusing.
09:57She says some very sensible things.
09:59Like yesterday, she said,
10:01Good morning, George.
10:03Of course, the man she said it to was confused.
10:05His name was Fred.
10:09And then we have a butcher.
10:10Oh, here comes our neighbor, Harry Morton.
10:13He looks happy. Today is payday.
10:16Well, he's a good neighbor and a good husband.
10:22And then we have a Netflix.
10:24And let him be alive.
10:25Yeah.
10:26Yes!
10:28Let him come back.
10:36This is the movie.
10:37This is the movie.
10:38We have a movie.
10:39This is not a movie.
10:40The movie.
10:41It's a movie.
10:42This is that movie.
10:43We have a movie.
10:44It's a movie.
10:45This is not a movie.
10:46You get a movie.
10:48Lunch?
10:49Yeah?
10:49Lunch ready?
10:50I'm starved.
10:51In a minute, dear.
10:52Okay.
10:56What are we having?
10:57I've had a thing since this morning.
10:59Here we are, Harry.
11:01Bacon and eggs.
11:08Who recorded this? Guy Lombardo?
11:13An unbreakable kind.
11:15Very funny.
11:17You'll be a big hit at the party Saturday night.
11:20I told you, Blanche, I'm not going to the party Saturday night.
11:22I don't Roomba.
11:23Well, why don't you and George learn?
11:26Blanche, I'm on my feet all day long.
11:28At night, my feet are tired.
11:30They invented a dance where you could do something,
11:32use something besides your feet, I'd go for it.
11:36Well, the Roomba's it.
11:39Oh, it still won't do for George.
11:41He sits down all day.
11:43Now look, Harry, Gracie and I are sick and tired of being wallflowers because you and old Brittle Bones next door can't dance.
11:54Brittle Bones?
11:55That's ridiculous.
11:56George is a wonderful dancer.
11:58Anyway, I'm not going to the party.
12:00Now listen, you are...
12:01Come in.
12:02Blanche, it's me.
12:03Oh, hi, honey.
12:03Oh, no.
12:04Oh, Blanche, I've just got the most wonderful thing to do.
12:08Hello, Harry.
12:09Oh, yes.
12:10Now look, Harry, don't you listen.
12:13I'm going to stop at Arthur Murphy's and I'm going to hire an instructor to teach George and Harry how to dance the rumba.
12:21Not me.
12:22Harry, you listened.
12:24I just remembered I have to make a phone call.
12:28George and I are supposed to go bowling.
12:30I thought it'd be good.
12:31The arm and a little exercise.
12:33Put down that phone.
12:35You are not going bowling.
12:38No, and neither is George.
12:40I don't approve of bowling.
12:41It can't be nice if you have to do it in an alley.
12:50Well, I'll see you tonight.
12:52Okay, dear.
12:53Eavesdropper.
12:58Blanche,
13:00I am not taking a rumba lesson.
13:03I'm taking a rumba lesson.
13:04That's better.
13:06And I'm going to need some money for a new dress for the party Saturday night.
13:10Well, things are tough, Blanche.
13:12They are tough.
13:13But after all, man has to do what he can for his wife.
13:16And I'm no exception, Blanche.
13:18Man's got to take care.
13:19Oh.
13:20They are.
13:21All yours.
13:22Take whatever you need.
13:23Oh, of course.
13:25Have whatever you need.
13:26Thank you, Harry.
13:28You're welcome.
13:29Oh, bless your heart.
13:30Blanche, I only did it because the hat's too big, you see?
13:42Well, if it was up to that guy, we'd have to take rumba lessons.
13:56But I'll get us out of it.
13:58I've been outsmarting Gracie for 20 years now.
14:01For example, every morning she picks out a tie for me to wear.
14:04But I don't pay any attention to it.
14:06I wear what I like.
14:07This morning she wanted me to wear a striped tie.
14:17As I was saying, I've been outsmarting Gracie now for 19 years.
14:21And, uh, oh, here comes Bill Goodwin.
14:25Is Gracie with him?
14:27She's back already?
14:29Oh, I forgot.
14:30It's two hours later.
14:32Well, he's got one of those normal English cars.
14:38Well, thank you, Bill, for riding me home.
14:40Oh, you're welcome, Gracie.
14:41Let me help you out, huh?
14:42All right.
14:43Say, I hope you'll excuse me for rushing along, Gracie,
14:46but I have a chance to get a part in a picture
14:48with Clark Gable and Spencer Tracy.
14:50If I'm not at the studio on time, I might lose the part.
14:52Oh, well, then come in the house and have a cup of coffee
14:54and tell me all about it.
14:55Oh, no thanks.
14:56I've got to go.
14:57Oh?
14:58Well, then how about a cup of cocoa?
14:59Well, no thanks, Gracie.
15:01I...
15:02Well, I...
15:03I'm in a hurry, Gracie.
15:04I've got to...
15:05Oh, well, look.
15:06I'll get the bag and you can take it with you.
15:08Gracie, look.
15:09Wait, wait, wait a minute.
15:10I've got a date to eat with the producer
15:12and you can't be late when you're having Pasternak for lunch.
15:15Oh, won't they warm it up for you?
15:20I don't think so, Gracie.
15:21I've got to be going.
15:22Oh, hello.
15:23Oh, hi, Blanche.
15:24Blanche, bring Harry over after dinner.
15:26I hire the teacher.
15:27Oh, good.
15:28Oh, Bill, what a cute car.
15:31Isn't it cute?
15:32Oh.
15:33How do you get into it?
15:34With a shoe horse?
15:40You know, girls, I'm getting a little tired of those small car jokes.
15:44Now, it's a British car and they make them smaller because there's a shortage of gasoline in England.
15:50Or I guess I should call it petrol.
15:52No, that might confuse me.
15:54Call it England.
15:59Well, I've only got seven minutes.
16:01I've got to be going.
16:02Oh, so I want George to see the car.
16:03Well, tell him to hurry, Gracie.
16:05George!
16:07I've got to go back to work.
16:11Does it really use less gasoline?
16:13No, it must use more gasoline.
16:14A car that small has to travel farther to go a mile.
16:21Oh, hello.
16:22Hi, George.
16:23Say, Bill, I'd like to ask you something.
16:25Just a minute, will you, George?
16:27I've heard them all.
16:28I've been asked, is it a Dunhill or a Ronson?
16:32I've been asked, what'll it be when it grows up?
16:36I've been asked, what happened to your other roller skates?
16:40And all the other corny jokes.
16:42Now, George, what do you want to ask me?
16:46What happened to your other roller skate?
16:50Nothing fazes me.
16:51Goodbye, Bill.
16:52Goodbye, Gracie.
16:53I'll see you tonight.
16:54Yes, dear.
16:55Bye.
16:56And George, I'm going into the kitchen and make you some fried past tonight.
17:03Fried past tonight?
17:05I don't know.
17:06Must be a new dish, I guess, yes.
17:07George, I've got to be going.
17:08Wait a minute, Willie.
17:09What's your hurry?
17:10Well, I've only got five minutes to get to MGM.
17:12You see, I might get a part in a picture with Clark Gable and Spencer Tracy.
17:16Really?
17:17Bill, if you see Lana Turner and Ava Gardner, tell them that I'm a married man.
17:23Listen, George, I just saw Ava Gardner eating a piece of pie in the commissary the other day.
17:29Wow.
17:30What a dish.
17:31You're not kidding.
17:32Yeah.
17:33The whipped topping was made with carnation evaporated milk.
17:39Oh, you're talking about the pie.
17:41Well, Nash.
17:42Well, naturally, everybody.
17:43Sure.
17:44Well, goodbye.
17:45I've got to go.
17:46Lots of luck, Bill.
17:47Goodbye, Bill.
17:48Can we hold it?
17:49Yeah.
17:50Say, you know something?
17:51Carnation is the milk from contented cows.
17:53I know that.
17:54I do, too.
17:55Well, just don't forget.
17:56We won't.
17:57Okay.
17:58Well, goodbye.
17:59Goodbye, Bill.
18:00And lots of luck to you.
18:02You know, and another thing to remember.
18:04See, carnation is good whole milk with nothing removed but water and nothing added except vitamin D.
18:11That's the sunshine vitamin.
18:13I know, Bill.
18:14Well, you've got two minutes.
18:15Oh, well, I've got to go, then.
18:16So long.
18:17Goodbye, Bill.
18:18I'll give my best to stretch the train.
18:19Right.
18:20Right.
18:21I...
18:22Oh, you know, carnation evaporated milk.
18:24You see, just as it pours from the can, can be used instead of cream.
18:28In fact, it whips just like cream.
18:31Holy smoke!
18:32I've got to get to the studio.
18:33What?
18:34You've got to make a shortcut.
18:35You go straight.
18:36And when you want milk, all you do is add an equal amount of water.
18:43You see, then you have milk that costs one-third less than bottled milk.
18:48This is worse than getting Harry off to work in the morning.
18:51Well, goodbye.
18:52I've got to...
18:53Listen.
18:54If you're rushed.
18:55If you go real fast, you've just missed your appointment.
18:59You're kidding.
19:00I know.
19:01Well, then I might as well relax.
19:02Well, naturally.
19:03You got a cigar?
19:04You betcha.
19:05I've always got a cigar.
19:06Thanks, George.
19:07There you are.
19:08You know, it's kind of silly anyhow.
19:09Me working with Gable and Tracy.
19:11Competition like that could ruin your career.
19:14You're not kidding.
19:15They're nice fellas.
19:16Why should I want to hurt them?
19:20Oh, you switched that around.
19:21Yeah.
19:22I just got it.
19:23And clever, too.
19:24I have a match here in my glove compartment.
19:25Okay, Bill.
19:26Hold these, will you?
19:27Sure, I'd be glad to.
19:33Thank you, George.
19:34Bill, how do you get all this carnation milk in your glove compartment?
19:40Well, it's easy, George.
19:42I keep my gloves in my overcoat.
19:48Well, goodbye, Bill.
19:49And lots of luck.
19:50Goodbye, George.
19:51Bye.
19:52Of course, Bill Goodwin is the only one that doesn't know that Gracie is hired a rumba teacher.
20:09And Gracie doesn't know that I know that she told Blanche who told Harry and I listened.
20:14Isn't that a clever part?
20:17You know, 20th Century Fox wants this for a Dan Daly picture.
20:23But I said no.
20:25I've got a picture of Dan Daly.
20:30Anyway, it's now three hours later.
20:32And I've got a scheme where Harry and I don't have to do the rumba.
20:36Just watch the old master at work.
20:39Something happened, pardon me.
20:43Gracie?
20:44What happened?
20:45Well, you know that lovely plate that my mother gave me for Christmas to hang on the wall?
20:49Yeah.
20:50Well, I was driving a nail through it.
20:52You didn't.
20:53And I did.
20:57This beautiful plate?
20:58I feel awful about it.
20:59It's been in our family for years.
21:01Mrs. Phillips gave it to my mother.
21:04Who was Mrs. Phillips?
21:05Well, she's the old woman who's been living with my mother for the last 20 years.
21:10Well, who is she?
21:11We don't know.
21:13An old woman is living in your house for 20 years and you don't know who she is?
21:17My brother won her at a raffle.
21:21He won a woman at a raffle?
21:23Yeah, they ran a raffle for a poor old woman.
21:25And your brother won?
21:26Yeah.
21:28Well, look.
21:32Gracie, I've got some glue here.
21:34Yeah.
21:35You take this glue.
21:36Put it around the plate.
21:37Put the plate together.
21:38It'll be just like new.
21:39Yeah.
21:40I feel awful about that.
21:41Well, just go right ahead.
21:43Well.
21:44Oh, the Morton's.
21:45Oh, yes.
21:46Hey.
21:47Come in.
21:48Gracie.
21:49George.
21:50Blanche and Harry Morton are here.
21:51Oh, I'll be right out.
21:52Come right in.
21:53Hi.
21:54Did you tell Gracie over here?
21:55I told Gracie over here.
21:56Well.
21:57We're all fixed.
21:58We'll straighten out.
21:59Uh, Blanche, I'll help you with your coat.
22:01Oh, thanks.
22:02I'll be right over.
22:03It takes a little time to get there.
22:06I'll be.
22:07Oh, boy.
22:08This back of mine.
22:09What's the matter with you?
22:11It's an old football injury.
22:13And this weather always brings it back.
22:15Oh.
22:16Well, Harry played football.
22:18It never bothers him.
22:19Well, it does me.
22:20Oh.
22:21Well, Harry, you take my coat, please, will you?
22:23Yeah, Harry, you take my coat.
22:24There, too, if you will.
22:25For me.
22:26Oh.
22:27Oh.
22:28Oh.
22:29This weather's murder.
22:30Yes, it is.
22:34But it's beautiful.
22:36It's the worst kind.
22:37It's the worst kind.
22:41Gracie, what happened again?
22:42I threw a cup on the floor and broke it.
22:45Why did you do that?
22:46Well, I had a little glue left and I didn't want it to go away.
22:57Her mother sent us a plate for Christmas, you see?
22:59Well, hello, everybody.
23:00Oh, hello.
23:01Well, the teacher will be here pretty soon.
23:02Oh, wonderful.
23:03Oh, yes.
23:04I can't wait to dance tonight.
23:07This is the night.
23:09Oh, boy.
23:10Oh, boy.
23:11Well, I'm glad to hear you say that.
23:13Even the dumbest men can rumble.
23:15And you're as smart as they are.
23:18Oh, yes.
23:19I can't wait.
23:20Well, come on, boys.
23:21Let's move the furniture.
23:22Move this chair, George.
23:23But, Gracie, I can't move anything with this head.
23:25Well, use your hands.
23:28Okay.
23:29Look, Gracie, I can't take a rubble lesson.
23:31I've got a torn cartilage.
23:33Well, maybe you can get one from George.
23:37You can wear my brown ones, shall we?
23:41Oh, George, move that chair over here, please.
23:43Move over.
23:44Yeah, and Harry, please, take this table and I think a good place for it would be right.
23:46Yeah.
23:47Oh, oh.
23:48Isn't that back like this?
23:49Oh, stop.
23:52You're not fooling me with those hips.
23:54They're phonies.
23:55Oh, I didn't know you bought them.
24:01Yeah, Max Factor's putting them out this season.
24:03Oh, really?
24:04Say, George, move that chair over there, will you?
24:06Over there?
24:07Yes, right over there.
24:08Well, it was over there at the start, but that's where you want it.
24:11Let's see.
24:12No, no, move it back here.
24:17That's right, right over here.
24:19That's it.
24:20How's this?
24:21Mm-mm.
24:22No, I think you better put it back there.
24:24What are you trying to do?
24:25Well, I'm trying to find a place where it won't be so close to you.
24:33How's this?
24:34Mm-mm.
24:35Isn't that better?
24:36Oh, it's better.
24:37It's away from you.
24:38Yes, it's much better, yes.
24:39Look, Gracie, we can't take any room for less.
24:41It's a bad, bad, bad thing.
24:43Why don't you get them here, aren't you?
24:44Now, listen to me, Gracie.
24:45Oh, Gracie, I think the teacher's here.
24:47Oh, goody, but...
24:50Well, it looks like we're cooked.
24:51One more chance.
24:52Well, let's take one more chance.
24:53Oh, boy.
24:54Oh, my back.
24:55It's just simply murder.
24:56I can't take...
24:57We can't take...
24:58Are you from Arthur Murray's?
25:02Yes, I am.
25:04Quiet.
25:05Hold key for two, and...
25:07Hold key for two, and...
25:09Hold key for two, and...
25:13Hold key for two, and...
25:15Hold key for two, and...
25:18Hold key for two, and...
25:19Hold key for two, and...
25:20Hold key for two.
25:24Follow key for two.
25:30Who are you?
25:31I'm the rumba teacher.
25:32Oh, she's my assistant.
25:33She plays the records while I get the lessons.
25:36We dance with you?
25:37Oh, that's right.
25:38Ooh!
25:39Ooh!
25:42Come on, everybody!
25:46We'll take rumble.
25:48Now remember, you swing the hip from right to left.
25:52Now, are you ready?
25:53Yes.
25:54All right.
25:55One, two, three, four.
25:57One, two, three, forward.
26:00One, two, three, back.
26:02One, two, three, side.
26:04One, two, three, side.
26:06Hey, that's kind of cute.
26:08Oh, that is wonderful.
26:09You're doing the job.
26:10You're doing so wonderful.
26:23Thank you very much.
26:24Gracie and I will be back again two weeks from tonight.
26:27We're a little late.
26:28So say goodnight, Gracie.
26:29Goodnight.
26:30Goodnight.
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