Skip to playerSkip to main content
BRITCOM I
  • 20 hours ago

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00I fucking stare to that.
00:03Honestly.
00:04You sent him in a perfectly good passport, Fox.
00:05Isn't it you're back looking halfway between Pablo Escobar and a local paedophile?
00:08I think you look cute.
00:09I'll tell you what.
00:10I was ten years younger.
00:12Sorry, no offence, Elizabeth.
00:13But we A, we have done good authority that you do in fact have a...
00:17Have we gone at cursed vagina?
00:18Bewitched.
00:19It's wise.
00:19And B, I think it's highly inappropriate for you to be flirting with me.
00:24Because I am to be your future manager.
00:28Oh, dear God.
00:30After the financial bloody clusterfuck you made of the rat and cutter,
00:33you know you're going to buy this, hey?
00:34Not buy it, Vincent.
00:35Lease it.
00:36And no, I haven't made a fucking clusterfuck of it.
00:38I've turned the rat and cutter around.
00:39Now I've got my sights set on this place.
00:42And you're doing what you always do.
00:44Fucking bull at a shagging gate.
00:45Just do one thing at a time, man.
00:47It's exactly not the advice of every great entrepreneur.
00:50And I should know.
00:51I watch a lot of Dragon's Den.
00:52Yep.
00:52Well, get that fucking jukebox fixed then.
00:54And get some bar snacks.
00:56Where is he always here?
00:56When I was young,
00:57this bloke used to come round with a basket of fish.
01:00And we all used to say to him,
01:02have you got crabs?
01:05You know, for a laugh.
01:06What, the good old days, was it?
01:08They had you in here enough times.
01:09Well, I say in here,
01:10you were in the van in the car park
01:12with a packet of prawn cocktail, Chris.
01:14Yeah, I know.
01:15Seeing as I drove you home on more than one occasion.
01:17How are you going to afford this
01:18when all your money's wrapped up in the ratting cutter?
01:21Well, therein lies a very cunning plan.
01:23One which involves me going for four days
01:25to Dusseldorf
01:25to meet Veronica,
01:27my son's mother,
01:28and her...
01:29drumroll, please.
01:29Her very wealthy parents.
01:33Oh, yeah.
01:34Why would Hans' German grandparents
01:36buy a fucking run-down pub in Hawley?
01:39I've asked Hans,
01:40and it turns out his grandad
01:41is an angel investor.
01:42So all I've got to do
01:42is turn on me natural pizzazz
01:44and a few well-placed lies,
01:46and ka-ching!
01:48Liz Jones and her cursed fanny
01:49are my new employees.
01:51Why is it cursed?
01:52Please, can we not talk about my mother's fanny?
01:54It's dangerous.
01:55It's killed several men, hasn't it, love?
01:56Listen, only eight men have died.
01:59The other 53 are roaming around
02:00quite happy, thank you.
02:02That number's gone out.
02:03Yeah, well, it will.
02:04Here, here.
02:05Ain't them ever died mid-pump?
02:06Just the one.
02:08What's it like, Dusseldorf?
02:10Hotbed and filthy debauchery,
02:12no doubt.
02:13Oh, it's a beautiful city, beautiful, yeah.
02:14Famed for its iconic Rhine Tower.
02:16Although I do have, you know,
02:18a few contacts over there
02:19in the debauchment industry,
02:20and I will be frequenting those
02:22for a few days prior to
02:23toddling off and meeting the parents.
02:25Anyway, love to chat.
02:26Must fly.
02:28And, uh, as they say in Germany,
02:30Hasta la vista, cunts.
02:33Dusseldorf, not in Spain.
02:56Hello?
03:05Hello, Mr. Schaffner.
03:06Speaking.
03:07There is a visitor here in reception
03:09wishing to see you.
03:10Visitor?
03:11Who is that?
03:11He says his name is
03:12Bernard Law Montgomery.
03:14The best things in life are free,
03:19but you can give them
03:20tools of birth and peace,
03:21I'll...
03:22Ta-da!
03:23Hey, hey!
03:25Lord, in the name of Jesus H,
03:27fuck are you doing here?
03:28Hey, I got your hotel details from Vinny.
03:30Bought myself a cheap flight over.
03:32Come fly!
03:33Absolutely fucking
03:35straight airline.
03:37Why would you do that?
03:38Why would you make
03:39such a strange
03:40and fucking
03:41incorrect
03:42decision,
03:43you manky old pube?
03:43Hey, hey, hey,
03:44we all nearly died that day,
03:45someone,
03:46on that coach.
03:47You weren't even fucking on it!
03:48I was fucking
03:49on the tractor,
03:50getting fucking
03:51dragged to the untimely end.
03:53Yeah, well,
03:53not that untimely,
03:54hey, Jim.
03:55Right, come on!
03:56Off you fuck!
03:57Allé!
03:57And I made a vow that day
03:59that all the things
04:00I've been putting off
04:01had to get done.
04:02Right.
04:02Fucking car pay deal.
04:04Fucking bucket list.
04:05Right, yeah,
04:05and what,
04:05you've always dreamed
04:06of visiting Dusseldorf?
04:08Have you heard that
04:08right pronunciation?
04:09Dusseldorf.
04:12Bukkake!
04:13Buk?
04:14I'm so sorry about this.
04:15No, sorry!
04:16Fuck!
04:17You say Bukkake?
04:18Yeah, yeah!
04:18Well, he's famous for it
04:19over here, isn't it?
04:20All the underground
04:20what-nots and that.
04:21And you,
04:22are all the fucking
04:23right places.
04:25Right, okay.
04:26I can't believe
04:27it's that meant to me.
04:28Right, I'm gonna put it.
04:29Jim,
04:30fuck off,
04:31you monkey old scrotum,
04:33get on the next
04:33fucking overcrowded
04:34shitty flight back home.
04:36There we go!
04:36Avanti!
04:37Bonjour!
04:37Hey, hang on!
04:39Some people want to
04:40fucking skydive
04:41or fucking go
04:43to the Great Barrier Reef.
04:45This is my Taj Mahal,
04:46Tomo,
04:47my Great Wall of China.
04:52Good luck, dear.
04:55Fine!
04:57I'll just ask around, then.
05:05Fuck!
05:07Fucking hell!
05:08Fine, Jim!
05:09I do know people
05:10and do know a place.
05:11Listen to me.
05:12Right, mark my words.
05:13Are you marking me?
05:14Heed me, Jim.
05:15Right,
05:16when you have shot,
05:17you muggy little wad,
05:18that's us done.
05:19Right, you're finished.
05:20We are not...
05:20I repeat,
05:21we are not
05:22on a mini-break
05:23together.
05:24We absolutely don't.
05:36Jesus Christ,
05:37you've got crisps
05:37in your behalf,
05:38of fucks,
05:39are you now?
05:40Fucking hell.
05:41Thomas.
05:42Mila!
05:43Meine Kleine,
05:44Frau Leine.
05:45This is my friend James.
05:46I say friend,
05:47I mean,
05:47he's more of a rancid
05:48old farmer
05:48whom only acquaintances
05:49with because we grow
05:50weed and drizzle on.
05:52Charmed to meet you.
05:53Hi.
05:55So I understand
05:55you are here
05:56for the bukkake?
05:57That's right.
05:58Okay.
05:59We do classic bukkake here.
06:01Three men,
06:02one woman.
06:04Okay.
06:05And...
06:05What if I
06:08want you to be
06:08on my knees?
06:10Oh!
06:11This is extra.
06:12Do you have cash?
06:13Oh, yeah.
06:14Come for you, Bobby.
06:16I say.
06:16Not that.
06:17No.
06:18Good night, Ben.
06:22And we'll be joined
06:23by Anton and Dieter.
06:25Don't be intimidated.
06:26They're extremely large,
06:28but just follow their lead.
06:29Congratulations.
06:30Yeah, right.
06:32So, off we go.
06:34Good luck
06:35and don't be too gross, eh?
06:37Good luck and don't be too gross, eh?
06:39Hmm.
06:41Oops, I'm mad fucking hell.
06:44Ah!
06:45Guten outfit!
06:47Ah, sehr gut.
06:51Dad!
06:52Are you in Düsseldorf?
06:53Hans, son!
06:54I am indeed, yes.
06:55I'm currently soaking up
06:58the cultural highlights
06:59of this fine city.
07:01Fucking hell.
07:02Sorry, love.
07:03I've just seen a cathedral.
07:04Do you want to meet
07:05at Grandma and Grandpapa's house
07:06or before?
07:07Mummy can't wait to see you.
07:09Really?
07:10Oh, yes.
07:10She says it will be strange
07:11after all the years,
07:13but also...
07:13Wunderbar.
07:14They're doing dinner
07:15at 6pm.
07:15Right, well, listen,
07:16I've got a few things
07:17to clear up here first,
07:18but ping me over the address.
07:20I've got a hire car,
07:21so I suppose I can...
07:22Toodle-oooh.
07:24Oh, shit.
07:25Hans, love,
07:26I'll see you at 6,
07:27all right?
07:28Fucking hell, Jim!
07:29Jim!
07:30The fuck have you done, you?
07:32Hey, nothing!
07:33I said, I said,
07:34don't be too gross,
07:34did I not say that?
07:35I wasn't!
07:36I mean,
07:37we were just getting to it
07:38and I know I've got a bit
07:39of an intense attack on Facebook,
07:41but she just started crying
07:42and fled
07:43a fucking hand and deck!
07:45Oh, play it miserable.
07:46Oh, cunt sake!
07:48Mila, sweetheart,
07:49love, baby, angel,
07:50hey, you all right in there?
07:51I'm sorry.
07:52No, no, no,
07:53don't you be sorry.
07:54He is a mangy cunt
07:55with a horrible jerk-off face.
07:56Just come out here
07:57and we can talk about it.
07:58It's your eye.
07:59Ah!
08:00Ah!
08:01Fuck it, I'm all...
08:02Hey, I'm sorry if it was me.
08:03I mean,
08:04the last thing I wanted to do...
08:05No, no, it wasn't you.
08:07You're a gentleman.
08:08It...
08:08It's me.
08:11I shouldn't have come to work tonight.
08:13I'm...
08:13I'm just so worried.
08:15What, what, what's happened?
08:16My brother, Otto,
08:17he's in the hospital.
08:19He had a heart attack.
08:21Oh, that's terrible.
08:22Not ideal.
08:23I have his phone
08:24and he keeps getting
08:25these messages
08:26from someone named Bozman.
08:30Right, so that's all in German,
08:31isn't it, so...
08:32He says,
08:34we want the gear.
08:35When and where?
08:36Don't ignore me.
08:38Fucking call me
08:39or I'll find you
08:40ass-face.
08:42Ass-face, right.
08:43That's a rare insult.
08:45That's insane.
08:45So what's, what's, uh...
08:47What's I got myself involved in?
08:50Envelopes.
08:55Why?
08:56Well,
08:56Otto runs the local post office
08:58and since the legalization
09:00of cannabis,
09:01people come here
09:01to smoke,
09:02to party
09:03from the UK,
09:04France,
09:04and many of them
09:05get the idea
09:06to post drugs back home.
09:08So,
09:08they Google local post office.
09:10Otto's the first hit.
09:12So they wander in
09:13and ask,
09:14how much is supposed
09:14to let it back to the UK?
09:16So he tells them
09:16the price of a stamp,
09:17Otto knows they're posting
09:19weed,
09:19mushrooms,
09:20then he throws them
09:21into a special rate
09:22to delivery back.
09:24Which he then
09:24brings home with him
09:25because who's gonna
09:26make a complaint?
09:27Oh, my drugs
09:28never made at home?
09:29Fucking clever.
09:30Perfect crime.
09:31But then,
09:32he didn't know
09:32what to do with them all.
09:33Hence,
09:34Bozman.
09:35Fuck me,
09:35there's thousands
09:36of fucking pounds worth.
09:38Maybe tens of thousands.
09:40People pay 40,
09:4150 euros for mushrooms,
09:42even more for the strong ones.
09:44But I can't get involved.
09:46I don't want trouble
09:47with the police.
09:48Ah, well,
09:48congratulations, Mila,
09:50because we deal
09:50with this sort of thing
09:51all the fucking time.
09:52For a small remuneration,
09:54i.e. cut to the profits,
09:55we could get
09:56some of the contents
09:57of these envelopes
09:58to Mr. Bozman,
10:00Air Bozman,
10:01if you will,
10:01Deutsche,
10:02very good,
10:03and, you know,
10:03make the transaction.
10:06You would do that for me?
10:08Mila,
10:09of course.
10:09Mi kassere su kassere.
10:10You can have the money,
10:11I don't need it.
10:1250-50,
10:13let's say that.
10:1380,
10:1420.
10:1560-40.
10:15Okay,
10:16I accept 60.
10:17Fucking well done.
10:19Thank you so much,
10:20Tom.
10:20Bitte schön.
10:22If you meet them,
10:23you might need someone
10:24who speaks German.
10:26Do you know anyone?
10:28Mila,
10:29would you believe it?
10:30I'm not just the man.
10:31Deary fucking easy!
10:45Listen,
10:46you can be all right with this.
10:47You won't tell your mum,
10:48it's just our little secret.
10:50Yes,
10:50it is exciting.
10:51Oh, yeah.
10:51Like a movie.
10:52The illegal drop
10:53in a discreet location.
10:55Oh, yes,
10:55well, listen,
10:56that's how your father rolls.
10:57It's wall-to-wall
10:58adventure and intrigue,
10:59except we're meeting them
11:01round the back
11:01of a large garden
11:02furniture warehouse.
11:03All right,
11:04on that note,
11:05Avanti!
11:06Let's go!
11:06It's a quick in and out.
11:13Stick to the plan
11:13and we'll be sitting
11:14steins on the Rhine.
11:16Bob's your fucking uncle.
11:32Right.
11:32Jim,
11:34you stay here with the gear
11:35and Hansel,
11:36go and negotiate.
11:37I don't like this.
11:39They've got nasty eyes.
11:40They're probably going to kill us
11:42and dump our bodies
11:42in the Seine.
11:43The Seine is in France.
11:45You're missing the fucking point.
11:47I am this close
11:48to achieving
11:48a lifelong ambition.
11:50Now,
11:50we'd get shot in the face
11:52on some misguided
11:53envelope-based fucking scam.
11:55Jim, love,
11:56I'd have put this gently.
11:57Um,
11:57shut the fuck up,
11:59you stupid old cunt.
12:02Mr. Bozeman.
12:12Where is Otto?
12:13Tell him that
12:14we are colleagues
12:14and we have what he needs.
12:16We are Otto's colleagues.
12:18Colleagues.
12:18Otto is busy,
12:19but we have what he needs.
12:20Yeah.
12:21Why does the English
12:26look so slippery?
12:28Post-Brexit-Weihnachtsmann.
12:29They say Otto sent
12:34Santa Claus,
12:35I think they mean Jim
12:36and his two elves,
12:38that's us,
12:39to do his deal for him.
12:41And then they did
12:41a bunch of follow-up stuff,
12:42which is German humor
12:43and won't be funny to you.
12:45Okay.
12:45Was wollen diese Zwerge?
12:46Now they're asking
12:47how much you want for the gear.
12:48Yes,
12:49you want 20.000 Euro.
12:5120.000 Euro.
12:5220.000 Euro.
12:57Yeah.
12:57Der Weihnachtsmann
12:58hat wohl den ganzen
12:58Whisky zu früh gesoffen.
12:59They say that Santa
13:00must be drunk on all the whiskey
13:01if we want 20k.
13:03Wir machen euch einen Deal.
13:04Wenn ihr unsere Weihnachtssocken füllt,
13:06gibt's 4.000 Euro für euch.
13:08They will give us 4k
13:09if we agree to fill
13:10their Christmas stockings.
13:12Jesus Christ,
13:12so fucking gentle humor
13:13this, isn't it?
13:14I have to tell them,
13:1515 grand,
13:16and that's my final offer.
13:1715.000.
13:19Rude.
13:20Right, right, right, right.
13:2110, 10 grand,
13:22and that's as long as I'll go.
13:2310.
13:245,000.
13:25They say 5.
13:25We might know
13:26those cunts who won the war.
13:27No, no, Jim,
13:28we're not going down that route,
13:29thank you very much.
13:29All right, 9, 9 grand.
13:319 grand,
13:31and that is it.
13:32That is as long as I'll go,
13:33or may God strike Jim down.
13:359.
13:36It's the best of angebot.
13:378.
13:378.
13:39Fine, done.
13:40Fucking great.
13:41Now let's get the dough
13:41so we can get on
13:42with the bukkake.
13:43Tell them
13:44that we want to see the cash
13:45before the drugs get handed over.
13:46We wollen zuerst die Koolazine.
13:48Bitte, Koolazine.
13:49Sicher,
13:50aber vorher will ich ein Bild
13:51mit dem Weihnachtsmann.
13:53They want a photograph
13:54with Santa Claus.
13:56You are?
13:57Are you for real?
13:58Yes, they want to send it
13:59to a friend.
14:00Crikey.
14:01All right, all right,
14:01go on.
14:02Hey, hey,
14:02having a great beard
14:03does not make me Santa Claus.
14:05Oh, my God.
14:05Rath-Bewin had a great beard.
14:07Fucking Fidel Castro
14:08had a great beard.
14:08Glitch in that fucking selfie,
14:10you cunt.
14:10He's wearing disposable gloves.
14:12Only killers wear disposable gloves.
14:15Oh, well,
14:15maybe he's got a germphobia.
14:16Go on, get in the selfie, love.
14:17There we go.
14:18Oh, my gosh, no.
14:19Here we go.
14:19Sehr gut.
14:21Yeah, super cool.
14:23Jetzt eins mit ein.
14:24Come, come.
14:25There's now one with all of us.
14:27Oh, no, no.
14:28We're joking.
14:28What?
14:29Okay.
14:30Chille n'a.
14:32We're singing.
14:33Heilige n'a.
14:34Yeah, lovely.
14:35Alles schläft,
14:38traut du.
14:39Ah, Jesus!
14:41Ah!
14:42Ah!
14:42Ah!
14:43Ah!
14:45Hey, no!
14:46Oh, no!
14:46Oh, no!
14:50Ah!
14:53Ah!
14:54Ah!
14:57Fucking asshole!
14:58No!
15:01Ah!
15:02No!
15:03Ah!
15:05My best shoes in that suitcase.
15:08And me tingly body rub.
15:09And me corn plasters.
15:11You honestly gonna go for that old fucking weird smorgasbord?
15:13It nicked off with our fucking luggage, our passports, and my fucking hire car that I didn't get insured.
15:19You didn't take the insurance?
15:20No.
15:21Would you like to take the insurance?
15:22Yeah.
15:23Four days in Dusseldorf was the worst that could happen.
15:27Would you like to take the insurance?
15:29Fuck!
15:30Fuck!
15:31We lost a car, but we gained a jacket.
15:35Stop it.
15:36What do you think?
15:36I've not got time for whimsy now, love.
15:38Oh.
15:39What's this?
15:40What was it?
15:41What is it?
15:41But Brower and Schumann, 10.30?
15:44That's a beer hall.
15:45That's a fucking meetup.
15:46That's a fucking meetup.
15:47He's going there tonight.
15:48Unless it was last night and he's just still in his pocket.
15:51I swear to God, man.
15:52But, Dad, we have to go to Grandma and Grandpa Pass.
15:55Ah.
15:55In fact, we need to be there in 22 minutes.
15:58Okay, okay.
15:59Here's what we're going to do.
16:00We're going to go to the relatives, have a bit of din-dins, lovely.
16:02Then, early to bed, let me sneak out and go and retrieve what's rightfully ours.
16:06Brilliant.
16:06Call an Uber.
16:07Hang on a minute.
16:08What about me getting what I came for?
16:11Jim, we're in the fucking room.
16:12Events have moved on.
16:13So you're just going to go off to dinner and leave me here in the middle of fucking nowhere?
16:20You can come with us.
16:21As you say in England, the more of the people, the merrier the situation.
16:25Nice one.
16:26Take care.
16:26Yeah.
16:37It's Mommy.
16:40This is a huge moment.
16:41My mother and my father reunited after so many years.
16:44All right, all right.
16:45I'm coming.
16:46Words which are on a tender to your creation.
16:49Mommy.
16:50And that's what I said when I came.
16:53Hans.
16:53It's Daddy.
16:55Thomas.
16:56Well, yes.
16:57It's been a very long time.
16:58Yes.
16:59Hello again.
17:00Hello, Veronica.
17:02Looking well.
17:03Very Germanic.
17:04With your hair like that and the roll neck and all that, you know.
17:07And you look very English.
17:12I think.
17:12Who's this?
17:13This is Jim, a friend of Dad's.
17:15Good to meet you.
17:16I've heard a lot about you.
17:17Well, the 16-year-old you.
17:19The one that liked Cowgirl on a school trip.
17:21Jim.
17:22Sorry about that.
17:24Veronica.
17:25Hans.
17:26Papa.
17:27Hey, hello.
17:28Kinder.
17:30So good to see you.
17:34Well, I drink first, eh?
17:36Aaron.
17:36Papa.
17:38I'll be at the circus.
17:40Mein Lieber.
17:42Opa.
17:42Yeah.
17:43Das ist mein Vater, Thomas.
17:45Vater.
17:45Und sein Freund, Jim.
17:47Freund.
17:47Did you not bring any luggage?
17:49We had it stolen.
17:50I hope you have insurance.
17:52Ha.
17:56Fifty quid?
17:57Fuck that.
17:59What's the worst that could happen?
18:03Never mind.
18:04I'll lend you some of my briefs.
18:06Let's go.
18:06Komm.
18:08Did you say briefs?
18:09Yes.
18:11Thomas, komm, hurry up, schnell.
18:15This is our sauna, and I built it with my own hands.
18:19Just as Gitte is preparing us the most amazing feast,
18:23and there's nothing more enticing for the appetite
18:25than a cold plunge.
18:28Oh.
18:29The secret is, it's complete submerging
18:32all the way to your neck,
18:33and you hold it for two minutes,
18:35and not a second less.
18:36Two, two minutes, two full minutes.
18:38All right.
18:40Now follow me.
18:41Now you, come.
18:48Okay.
18:49A few.
18:51Here goes what I mean, eh?
18:52So you test the water as it...
18:54Whoa!
18:55Oh, fuck me!
18:56Yes, no, that is...
18:57That's very, very cold, actually.
18:58Don't allow yourself to think about it.
19:00Yes, no, I have thought about it,
19:01and the brain is very much saying,
19:02no, thank you!
19:03So I'm just going to go and say, eh, eh.
19:05All right, count him in.
19:07Fun.
19:07Fun.
19:08Fear.
19:09Lie.
19:11Swine.
19:12Aye.
19:12I mentioned that I do have a heart defect,
19:15and so I'm a bit concerned this might bring about a cardiac arrest.
19:17Hey, reminds me of the merchant neighbor.
19:25Except if we were all naked.
19:28I'm fucking crazy.
19:29Hey, I'm just going to get some wine, Drunk of Jane.
19:33All right.
19:33Oh, and get me some tampons, will you?
19:36I told you, use a moon cup.
19:39Hey, just get the tampons.
19:41You get them.
19:42I'm not buying shitty single-use plastic.
19:47Weirdo.
19:58Here's my love.
20:01Oh, it's my wig today.
20:02I'll put that in your drink.
20:07Don't sweat the technique.
20:09All right, fucking go.
20:10Go fucking joking.
20:15For fuck's sake, Faye.
20:17You were meant to go in for a bottle of wine.
20:18Yeah, well, an opportunity arose.
20:20Did you hit him then?
20:21Only gently.
20:21Fuck me.
20:23I thought we were leaving all this small-time shit behind.
20:25I'm wearing my fucking tampons, eh?
20:26That guy in there,
20:27who's probably just doing his fucking job, minimum wage,
20:30probably getting into all kinds of trouble now.
20:32That's not right, Ali.
20:33You're asking me to compromise on my real standpoint on these things.
20:36My real fucking standpoint.
20:37As if you didn't just fucking smash a guy in the face for a couple of quid.
20:40I fucking told you to use a moon pop.
20:42Oh, fuck off.
20:45Thank you, sir.
20:46Thank you, sir.
20:47So, Ernst, or perhaps now that we're related,
20:56I could venture to call you Papa.
20:58Keep it, Ernst.
21:00Okay, as you wish.
21:01Listen, about earlier,
21:02the whole ice plunge situation,
21:04I think we got off the wrong foot, didn't we?
21:05Because, you see,
21:06the whole great outdoors.
21:07It's not really my natural environnement.
21:09You know, I'm more of a night-time economy guy.
21:12You know, pubs, clubs, bars,
21:14where people can go and find fun and friendship.
21:17Everyone to the all.
21:18Mm.
21:18And, you know, as it happens,
21:20I do have a small portfolio of venues in the UK,
21:23but I'm ever looking to expand.
21:27Mm.
21:28I see.
21:29Mm.
21:29Hans helped me financially
21:31to set up my flagship venue,
21:33The Rat and Cutter.
21:34And now I've got my little eye
21:35on another local bar,
21:38very up-and-coming,
21:39and I was wondering
21:39if you might want to chat
21:41investment opportunities.
21:46You got my daughter pregnant.
21:49Now let me ask you a question.
21:51Why do you think Veronica never told you
21:53did you handle his father?
21:56Well, because we met
21:58when we were very young
21:58and on a school exchange.
22:00So, it's one of them, isn't it?
22:02She went through hell.
22:04She was 16 years old
22:05with a newborn child.
22:07Couldn't go out with her friends.
22:09Couldn't go on holidays.
22:12She had to postpone college.
22:14And why?
22:16Because some English boy
22:17was the cheap to buy prophylactics.
22:20A fucking condom.
22:21Well, it wasn't the expense
22:26as such.
22:27She didn't tell you
22:28because she thought
22:29you are a bad bet.
22:33She thought your life
22:35will be chaotic and failing.
22:39And even though
22:40she was physically attracted to you
22:42at that age,
22:45she was smart enough
22:46even then to realize
22:47she was the kind of guy
22:49that can't be relied upon.
22:54Well,
22:56how wrong was she, eh?
22:58Was she?
23:00I think of myself
23:01as a good judge of Kate.
23:03It comes with my line of work.
23:05And I think
23:06Veronica, my daughter,
23:08she's too.
23:09All right.
23:10Ernst,
23:11answer this for me.
23:12I've always wanted to know.
23:14What's with the fucking
23:15umlaught?
23:19Huh?
23:19Oh my God,
23:20this is what I want.
23:21Look, there's something
23:36I didn't tell you
23:36about my uncle.
23:37You thought you'd wait
23:38until you got to the door,
23:39did you?
23:40It's not a big deal,
23:41it's just,
23:41it doesn't look like
23:42you'd expect, right?
23:43What do you mean?
23:44What do you mean?
23:51There is plenty of space.
23:54The bathroom is just outside.
23:57And, uh,
23:58I will bring you some towels.
24:05What the fuck are you doing, Agent?
24:07You can't stay at the night
24:07as soon as you've got that gear.
24:08You're off.
24:09You're off.
24:10You're off,
24:10you're off to your hotel.
24:11What hotel?
24:13What do you mean,
24:14what hotel?
24:14I didn't book one.
24:15I just thought I'd saw you
24:16once I got here.
24:17Who the fuck does that?
24:18I thought you might have
24:19a spare bed in your room.
24:20Why?
24:20Why would I have?
24:21There you go.
24:23Speak if you need anything.
24:26We are only upstairs.
24:31I want that fucking
24:32book, Akitamo,
24:33and I'm not going home
24:34until you leave.
24:35Not your actions.
24:37Are not the actions
24:38of a reasonable man.
24:46It's like Morecambe and Wise,
24:47isn't it?
24:48Two grown men
24:49sharing a room,
24:51separate beds,
24:52simpler time,
24:53you see.
24:54You said he'd give us a signal
24:54when they went to bed.
24:55Where is he?
24:55I don't want to let anything
24:56have it back then.
24:57Is this the same
24:58halcyon age
24:59when Jim Davidson
25:00were doing Chalky White
25:00and Benny Hill
25:01were chasing scantily clad
25:02women around the grounds
25:02of stately homes?
25:04Oh, come on.
25:05That's right.
25:06Sully it with your woke agenda.
25:09Oh, fuck me.
25:10Everyone's fucking offended
25:12nowadays.
25:13It's because you can't say
25:14anything.
25:14Oh, my God.
25:15When we were kids,
25:16you got given a nickname,
25:18you just got on with it.
25:19When I was young,
25:20people used to call me
25:21Pigshit Jimmy
25:22because I lived on a farm.
25:24And it hasn't done me
25:25any harm, has it, eh?
25:26Huh?
25:26Huh?
25:28Muss ich aber warten auf?
25:34Ein und aus.
25:44Ein und aus.
25:51Immer im Rhythmus.
25:56Jim, get your fucking shoes on.
26:08We'll go on my item.
26:18Roar!
26:21Oh, hello.
26:23Someone's been on the Jager bombs.
26:26Keep your eyes peeled, Jim.
26:28You remember what it looks like?
26:29Hey, a fucking memory of a fox, man.
26:31The foxes have good memories.
26:33Well, if they haven't, why would they have said it?
26:37Willkommen, meine Damen und Herren,
26:39zum größten, berühmtesten Drink-Walk-Wettbewerb in Düsseldorf!
26:44Oh, I have it, yes.
26:46Einnehmer will sich jetzt an der Bühne anmelden.
26:49Roar!
26:51What's going on here?
26:53What's going on, pal?
26:54Is this a Drink-Walk-Wettbewerb?
26:57Wer kennt sie Englisch?
26:58Nein!
27:00You don't speak fucking Englisch!
27:02He's a rude man.
27:03Oh, yeah, he's fucking awful.
27:04Yeah, yeah, yeah, well sponsored.
27:06Sorry, what the fuck is going on here?
27:08It is a famous Drink-Walk-Competition.
27:10Everyone has put in five Euro,
27:11and the winner gets to keep the pot of money.
27:13But the cash price?
27:15Fuck it, I'm getting involved.
27:17Oh, no, no, no, Jim, Jim, no!
27:19The End
27:20The End
27:26The End
27:28You know, it's done.
27:32I couldn't get away.
27:33No, so?
27:34You took Granddad's car.
27:35Yeah, I noticed this, eh?
27:36No, he went to bed, but...
27:38He won't be happy if he finds out.
27:39A drink-slash-Walk-Competition, how fantastic.
27:47Okay, there we go.
27:49Yes, Jim.
27:50What?
27:58There's the man.
27:59What?
28:00Jacky, man.
28:01Yeah, definitely.
28:02Well, it is him and all, yeah.
28:03Right, I've got him.
28:04He's trapped.
28:05Look!
28:06Hey, look!
28:07Ah, come on, you're here.
28:09Wow!
28:10Oh!
28:11Hey!
28:12Yeah!
28:13What?
28:14Yeah!
28:15Yeah!
28:16Yeah, exactly!
28:17Woo!
28:18That's for a two-tops,
28:19when it's two-tops,
28:20or if it's two-tops,
28:21or if it's two-tops.
28:22Oh, I'm so glad to hit the bucket.
28:23Hey!
28:24Fuck it, man!
28:25Yeah, fuck it, man!
28:26Yeah!
28:27Fuck it, man!
28:28Yeah, fuck it, man!
28:29Yeah, fuck it, man!
28:30And the final, he's sick!
28:31Yeah, fuck it, man!
28:32Yeah, fuck it, man!
28:33Ha, ha, ha, ha!
28:35Yeah!
28:36Get out!
28:37Yes, Jim!
28:38Schneller!
28:39Punch on, punch on, punch on!
28:40Yeah!
28:41Fuck off!
28:42One-nil to me!
28:43I'll chase her!
28:44Fuck off!
28:45Oh, boy!
28:46Oh, boy!
28:47Get him down!
28:51Shit, he's gone!
28:52What?
28:53Fucking problem, Jack, he's gone!
28:54Oh, shit!
28:55Please give us the fucking sleep!
28:56Jesus Christ!
28:57Get out!
28:58Get out!
28:59Get out!
29:00Get out!
29:01Get out!
29:02Get out!
29:03Get out!
29:04Get out!
29:05Get out!
29:06No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
29:07It's locked!
29:08It's fucking locked!
29:09No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
29:10It's locked!
29:11It's fucking locked!
29:12No, there's a door release button!
29:13Oh, right, yeah!
29:14It's my car park!
29:15Oh, there!
29:16It's in!
29:17It's fucking out of your car!
29:18It's leaving!
29:19Not if we fucking block the way, it's not!
29:20Why is he just staring at us?
29:36Jack Mance.
29:42Why is he just staring at us?
29:49No, no, no!
29:52Great, that's car!
29:53My fucking air car!
29:54Why would it fucking move?
29:57Would you like to taxi and show?
30:00No, no, no, no!
30:03Oh, there's in Dusseldorf.
30:05What's the worst that could happen?
30:06I have an idea.
30:10No, no, no, no, no, no!
30:12Fuck it out!
30:13I dare you what it is!
30:28Oh, that's not good.
30:32Oh, he's alive.
30:36Thank God.
30:38Hey!
30:39Oh, I don't know what.
30:41I'm having that.
30:42Dutch land!
30:43Five bucks on.
30:44All right, you check the boot.
30:49Nothing back here.
30:50Oh, jackpot!
30:52His mobile telephone!
30:54Let's get this cunt into our car.
30:56Are we taking him to the hospital?
30:57Oh, we fuck.
30:58Oh, this bastard's a bargaining chip.
31:00Is it chip or is it cheat?
31:02Dad, I don't like this.
31:03I think I might be out of my depth.
31:05I can't take a man hostage.
31:06Look, love, you're only hostage if you're being held against your will.
31:11And he's gagging to come with us, aren't you, mate?
31:12Get me the fuck out of here!
31:17They're all fucking psychos!
31:19There we go!
31:20Ah, don't you like that, you great German shit?
31:22Right, here is the plan.
31:27We're going to bell Boseman up off Lado's phone.
31:29Boseman's going to pick up the phone because he thinks it's one of his guys calling.
31:32Then we're going to say to him, or rather you're going to say to him because you speak German.
31:35You're not getting your lad back until we get A, our passport, B, our luggage, and C, the fucking gear that he stole from us.
31:43I can't do that.
31:45No, no, no, darling.
31:47If we don't get our passports back, we can't go on.
31:49And as much as you might be the nation who invented socks and sandals, you do not deserve a crusty old racist farmer.
31:54Fine, give me the telephone.
31:56But I wanted to it my way, with politeness.
31:59Good for you.
32:00Good lad.
32:01Nice.
32:02Politeness?
32:02Are you fucking sure he's your kid?
32:04Says the man with a super smart lesbian daughter.
32:07Lesbian?
32:08As in?
32:10He's a fucking lesbian.
32:11Didn't you sleep with women?
32:12What do you think I'm...
32:13Oh my God, did you not know that?
32:14You're saying that my ally is a fucking donut bumper?
32:17Jim, honestly, as much as it might be difficult for you to get your head around the fact that you have spawned a homosexual,
32:22maybe she'd be grateful, you know, because she's a lovely young woman, isn't she?
32:24This is her fucking mother, this.
32:26I told her not to introduce her to fucking hockey.
32:29All them young girls, short skirts, big wooden fucking sticks.
32:32I worry about your world view.
32:34I really do, Jim.
32:35Hey, look, there's a place here half a mile away.
32:37Look, it says catering for all erotic desires.
32:40Jesus Christ, Jim, if you mention Bukaki one more fucking time!
32:44You fucking promise you'd help me.
32:45No, no, no, no, no, no, factually inaccurate, that.
32:47What I seem to recall happening is you following me to a foreign nation like a fucking sex-dementor.
32:53What did he say, love?
32:55He said, you can keep him.
32:58What?
32:59The man in the back, he said, I don't care, keep him.
33:06Fucking hell!
33:08Fucking hell!
33:09Fuck you, Germany!
33:10I love you in the hallway.
33:14I love fucking Livia.
33:16Fill your boots.
33:17Actually, don't fill your boots.
33:18I wish not said that.
33:19It's a horrible image.
33:22Grandad isn't going to be very happy about the car.
33:25That's a fucking understatement.
33:26To be honest, love, I reckon your grandad's opinion of me wasn't that high to begin with.
33:31What makes you say that?
33:32Oh, cold hunch.
33:37And your mum, fuck you, no?
33:38She was a bit cool, frosty, ice-cold, you know?
33:42Mum is the sort of person who keeps her emotions inside herself.
33:46She would have been nervous about seeing you again, I think.
33:50I suppose I'm just a stranger to her.
33:52Aren't I?
33:53I'm just someone she had a youthful fling with many moons ago.
33:57Nothing more.
33:58Nothing less.
33:59So sorry, sweetheart, is it just me?
34:00Or it seems very much like those two men over there are heading this way with rather large sledgehammers?
34:08They are definitely coming in this direction.
34:13I mean, no one else were here.
34:16No one's for us, so they can't be here for him.
34:20Buzz.
34:22Release Lucas.
34:24How the fuck? They're not easier.
34:25Release him now.
34:27Dad, this is scary.
34:28No, no, no, no, sweetheart.
34:29They're trying to frighten us, aren't they?
34:30I'll handle this.
34:32Guten Abend.
34:34Guten Abend.
34:35Ja, ja.
34:36Den sledgehammer.
34:37I have to say put down the sledgehammer.
34:39Den vorschlägehammer niederlegen.
34:40Den vorschlägehammer niederlegen.
34:43Just speak English.
34:44Your German is worse than a three-year-old.
34:46Listen, right, I've told Boseman, we'll release him when we get our passports and the gear you sold.
34:51Now!
34:52Or we fuck up your car more.
34:53It's not my car, it's my son's granddad's, so...
34:55Your son's granddad, so not your father, but your wife's father.
34:59No, she's not my wife, actually, either.
35:01In fact, I barely even know her.
35:02We had a brief sexual encounter two decades ago.
35:06And you didn't use protection.
35:07Okay, no.
35:07How did you find us?
35:09Find my phone app.
35:10Of course.
35:11Fucking hell!
35:12Everyone has this.
35:13Right, no, listen, listen.
35:15Right, we had a fair deal.
35:17And Boseman shafted us right at the asshole.
35:20And this dickhead in the back is written off my hire car.
35:23Didn't take the insurance?
35:24No, I did not.
35:26Look, I am going to count to three.
35:29And then you release Lucas.
35:31You don't fucking like it, love.
35:32We're not giving him back until we get what's rightfully ours.
35:35Ain'ts, we have to let him go.
35:37They're bluffing.
35:38Why?
35:38I don't think they're bluffing.
35:39Because they're bluffing fucking in front of the car, aren't they?
35:41They could run them over.
35:42I'll run them over.
35:42Don't run them over.
35:43Drive.
35:46See what I said?
35:47Bluffing.
35:53Stop the car, drive away.
35:54It's just a shit.
35:55They're going to kill us.
35:57Don't do that.
35:58Do not do that.
35:59Stop.
35:59Fuck off.
36:00Fuck off.
36:02Fuck off.
36:03You fucking like it.
36:04Don't you fucking know.
36:05He's opening the doors.
36:06No, he's not.
36:07He's coming.
36:10Open the fucking car door.
36:12We slash your granddaddy's tire.
36:18No, no, no, no.
36:20No.
36:21No.
36:22No.
36:23Step away from the fucking bitch.
36:27Yeah.
36:27Fuck off.
36:30Oh God, the door.
36:31Come on, Jim.
36:32Get out.
36:37God.
36:39What do you say, follow us?
36:40Oh, throw the phone out the window.
36:41Phone, the phone, throw the phone out the window.
36:42Or I could turn off, find my phone.
36:44Yeah, yeah, no, I'll do that.
36:45Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:46Thank you for saving us.
36:47It's due the deed.
36:48Eh?
36:48The deed.
36:48If you've done the deed, it's the deed done.
36:49No, he fucking isn't.
36:51What are you doing with him in the back?
36:52We can't take him back to my grandparents' house.
36:55Explaining the car is going to be bad enough without a hostage in the pool.
36:57It is not the hostage, it's free to go at any time.
37:03Uncle Jay took a shine to you, told me in the kitchen.
37:06You said you were a keeper.
37:08Yeah, I bet he did.
37:09Fuck off.
37:12And you said you'd get us some work.
37:14Yeah, what kind of work?
37:17You know, like...
37:18I don't know, but we can trust him.
37:20It'll be good.
37:20Now then, admit it.
37:25How sexy did you find me robbing that shop?
37:30Come on.
37:31You know you did.
37:33Did not.
37:33You did.
37:35Did not.
37:35You loved it.
37:43Baby!
37:44Liz says you're up here, is that right?
37:46All right?
37:54Baby?
38:00Baby, love.
38:01I've told you the name's Alfred Barnard.
38:03Jesus fucking Christ.
38:05Of course you stood right there.
38:07Bloody terrifying.
38:08Stop.
38:09Stop being Alfred Barnard for a minute.
38:10I know it's you.
38:12Hey, Liz has told me that you've demanded to move in here a little bit.
38:16Demanded?
38:17Why are you still doing the voice?
38:19Listen, she told me that you're like a crazy woman in an attic.
38:22Are you listening?
38:23The only time she ever sees you is when you want sustenance.
38:26And to the best of her knowledge, you've been in this fucking room for three bloody weeks.
38:30Is that true?
38:30She likes to talk, doesn't she, Miss Jones?
38:33Yeah, but listen, I'm worried about you, Davey.
38:36I've stayed in the crow's nest before.
38:38It fucking sucks.
38:39Did you know that that television console has only got free view?
38:43All right.
38:43I've spent my days watching reruns of A Place in the Sun.
38:47Oh.
38:47One couple wanted to sell their house in Burnley and relocate to Fuerteventura.
38:53Imagine idiocy.
38:54What's going on?
38:55What the fuck's happened?
38:57Somebody made it abundantly clear that they wanted me dead.
39:03I can smell your balls from it.
39:08I'm sorry, dude.
39:09You haven't been showering.
39:11I had a flannel wash this morning.
39:12Thank you very much.
39:13Come on.
39:14We're going for a drive.
39:15Tell me what's going on.
39:15Donagh had scurried off back to Liverpool with a tail between her legs.
39:25And I was feeling very proud of myself.
39:27And I was in the can.
39:28Dead.
39:30Me in Manalido's mansion, ruling the roost.
39:34I was the king of the fucking world.
39:36And then, one night, I woke up and I could feel something wet in the bed alongside me.
39:44And I was thinking, what in the hell can that be?
39:47I'm alone in bed.
39:49What could be wet down there?
39:51What the fuck you know?
39:52What was it?
39:53You've seen The Godfather?
39:55I assume with the horse's head?
39:56You're joking.
39:57Wasn't it?
39:57Was it that?
40:01What?
40:03Oh, Donna.
40:04No.
40:04I won't give a shit about that.
40:07No.
40:08It was.
40:14Ah!
40:16Oh!
40:17Oh, fuck me, the exotic zoo.
40:18Yes, correct, Vincent.
40:20There was a note telling me that if I didn't leave that evening, then it would be my head
40:25in my mother's bed.
40:26Shit.
40:27Shit indeed, sweetheart.
40:30I'm not ashamed to say it shook me.
40:33Do you know where it was?
40:35It was that cross-dressing cunt, kittens.
40:37Oh.
40:38Revenge for McCann.
40:40Why did I get McCann killed?
40:43Hmm?
40:43For you.
40:44To help you.
40:46And now, look.
40:47Comes back to haunt me.
40:48Well, I mean, it suited you down to the fucking ground, didn't it, and all.
40:51Didn't be in, Dad.
40:52Shh.
40:52What?
40:54What's that?
40:58That's Demi Shrewsos.
41:00Who the fuck's that?
41:01Demi Shrewsos.
41:02It's one with us favourite.
41:04Who the fuck did you tell?
41:05Where are you?
41:06I haven't told anyone we're up here, you fucking nutcase.
41:08I don't know.
41:09Jesus, what's wrong with you?
41:10This is how it ends.
41:11On a cold, lonely road.
41:14With you.
41:15About my side.
41:16Well, quick.
41:17We'd better run.
41:18He's a man on his way home.
41:19He's just a random dickhead.
41:21Vincent, wait.
41:34Hans, get inside.
41:40And you, in.
41:45Where have you been?
41:46That is a very long story.
41:52Leading my boy astray.
41:54What are you doing here, Tomo?
41:56Why did you come here?
41:58I sometimes wish he had never found you.
42:00He should have left the past in the past.
42:03You'd like that, wouldn't you?
42:06Then I don't exist.
42:11That's all right, love.
42:12Your dad let the cat out the back.
42:14Why?
42:15He didn't want to let me know that I had a son.
42:17Yeah.
42:18Yeah.
42:19What did he say?
42:22He said them.
42:29It's all right, when you're me.
42:31When you grow up like I grew up.
42:34Shipped parents.
42:35Bounced round from care home to care home.
42:37People have a certain way of looking at you.
42:39Yeah.
42:40They don't have high hopes for you.
42:44And, you know, you go to school and careers and all that.
42:47And they do the same thing.
42:49You've got best condescending.
42:51Pat on the back.
42:52But so you're basically, you are fucking nothing.
42:54You're nothing.
42:55And you're always going to be nothing.
42:57Right.
42:57And so you have to just sort of either fall in line without thinking.
43:01Or like fight, fight back.
43:03You know.
43:05Fight to prove yourself.
43:08Prove those dickheads wrong.
43:09But it follows you.
43:12And, you know, people looking down on you.
43:15And thinking that you're nothing.
43:16Thinking that you're worthless and you're shit.
43:18It follows you around.
43:19And I've fucking tried.
43:22I've fought really hard.
43:24Right.
43:25And I'll keep fighting now.
43:27For him.
43:28For my lad.
43:29And just prove to your dad.
43:32And fucking 16 year old you.
43:34That I'm not shit actually.
43:36And that I can make something of my life.
43:39Okay.
43:43I didn't tell you I was pregnant.
43:46And because I was scared you'd reject me.
43:54I felt like I loved you.
43:57And I wanted to have your child.
43:59But I was scared you'd tell me to get rid of it.
44:06I thought about you so much over the years.
44:09And I did want to tell you.
44:11But weeks turned to months.
44:14I'm glad you didn't get rid of him.
44:20Because he is the best thing in my whole life.
44:23Sorry.
44:24You know.
44:27You, you've done a fantastic job.
44:30You really have.
44:32I'm sorry for all this mad shit that I've fucking got him into now.
44:35You're both back safe.
44:36And apart from the state of my father's car.
44:41Hopefully it's all done and dealt with now.
44:44It is.
44:45Yeah, it is.
44:49Except for the fellas' hard up in the boots.
44:50I'm sure you have done worse.
45:10I hope your car insurance fucks you and your shit car.
45:13You dumb assholes.
45:19I'm down.
45:25Charo riders, innit?
45:27Charo riders.
45:28We'll say we went for an early walk.
45:34And when we came back, daddy's car was gone.
45:38Must have been stolen in the night.
45:41Veronica, you are a fucking angel.
45:44You're an angel in one form.
45:46And speaking of which, I hear that your father is an angel investor.
45:50And I was wondering if, you know, maybe if I get in my briefs again,
45:53if you might be able to facilitate a business discussion.
45:59Let's see what we can do.
46:09Oh, good morning.
46:13Oh, good morning, Gator.
46:14Just me covering from last night.
46:16Oh, how would you like?
46:20To start the day off in the sun.
46:22Oh, now I'm not sure about that.
46:25I think you find it invigorating.
46:28Come on.
46:30Uh, okay.
46:32Yeah, go in.
46:35We heard what you said.
46:38What you are looking for.
46:42We are very open-minded people.
46:46Sexually.
46:50For fuck's sake.
46:58I negotiated with Boseman.
47:01He now has a membership to my club.
47:03Mila, you are an absolute fucking superstar.
47:06Search this car, though, eh?
47:08Cast.
47:09You took the insurance?
47:10What do you mean you're going back to school?
47:18To a school reunion.
47:19Let's get smashed.
47:20Meet me in the science lab.
47:22That body was destined to be in a leotard on a stage.
47:25You look like you want to hit me.
47:27Fuck.
47:28I was bullied air, too.
47:29I could get TJ, and you could get mine.
47:31I think Caron is about to do something really stupid.
47:36What the fuck?
Be the first to comment
Add your comment