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00:00January 8th, 2007.
00:07From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York,
00:12this is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
00:25Hey, everybody! Welcome back to The Daily Show!
00:30I'm Jon Stewart. Thanks for joining us.
00:34Man!
00:36We've got a great show for you tonight.
00:38Comedian Louis C.K. is going to be joining us.
00:40Two and a half weeks we've been off.
00:42So much always happens in the world whenever we're away,
00:45and I have to tell you, I pay absolutely no attention to it.
00:50From what I understand, apparently, over the break,
00:53we executed the godfather of soul, Gerald Ford.
00:56Or something like that.
00:58I don't really know what happened,
01:00but I know it was something along the lines of that.
01:02But I am fired up, filled with the piss and the vinegar,
01:04to attack things today.
01:06I come in all excited to discuss things.
01:08I get in, I turn on the news, and voila!
01:12A Fox News alert and a sort of a weird event going on.
01:22There is a gas leak in downtown Manhattan.
01:24This gas odor is permeating all the way through the city.
01:28Oh my God! New York's pilot light is out!
01:33And I was going to make everybody a giant pizza.
01:38Yes, apparently something funny smelling was in New York.
01:41Very disturbing.
01:42Normally the city smells like lavender and cinnamon.
01:45Could it be some kind of a terrorist strike?
01:48Leave your home, of course, that wouldn't help here
01:50because the odor apparently is outside as well.
01:53Leave the area if you can.
01:55How can you tell if there is carbon monoxide poisoning?
01:58We just started to hear some sirens, emergency vehicles.
02:01Some kind of an attempt to use a foul smelling material to hurt people.
02:05Don't touch the light switches.
02:11My God, the terrorists have odors
02:16that will prevent us all from turning the lights on.
02:21So yes, if you're one of the hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers
02:24who smelled gas today, unfortunately, you dealt it.
02:31Oh, it's true. You can deny it.
02:35But as you know, that only means...
02:41Of course, the biggest single event we missed over the break,
02:46the largest single event over the break
02:48was the hanging of Saddam Hussein.
02:50The death of a dictator.
02:52Dictator.
02:53The combination of a multi-year process from capture to execution.
02:56And naturally, it was reported with dignity.
03:01With the rotating Hanging Hussein graphic.
03:07Hanging Saddam.
03:09Interesting title.
03:11Kind of sounds like Finding Nemo.
03:15Only instead of finding, it's hanging.
03:18For more on the execution, we go to senior hangmanalist,
03:23John Oliver, joins us live from Baghdad.
03:25Thank you very much.
03:28And the death of Saddam Hussein.
03:29John, ding dong.
03:33The former Iraqi leader is dead.
03:37No longer need Iraqis live in fear.
03:40Of him.
03:41I mean, obviously, there's still bombs.
03:44And random killings.
03:47Everywhere.
03:48But for those of us who witnessed the execution, it really...
03:51No, no, no.
03:52Whoa, whoa.
03:53You were there?
03:55Well, I didn't spend Christmas in Baghdad to not go to a hanging.
03:59No.
04:00I and a hand-picked angry mob were lucky enough to witness this glorious moment.
04:06Well, now, because you were there, were you aware that someone had recorded the whole thing on their cell phone?
04:11It's a fairly notorious aspect of the execution.
04:14Yeah, well, to be honest, he wasn't actually the only one, John.
04:17These things are incredible.
04:20I recorded the execution whilst Googling the nearest hookah bar.
04:23Anyway, my phone also tells a fascinating story.
04:28This right here is the moment Saddam was being led to the gallows.
04:31Now that, if I can, that also looks like your thumb there.
04:34Oh.
04:35Yeah, I got this phone for Christmas.
04:37Still working out the kinks.
04:38Anyway, here's the rope being placed around Saddam's neck.
04:41And finally, the trap door opened, and here I am, holding Saddam's dangling lifeless legs.
04:50Um, I was the one on the right.
04:52Yes, John, this does bring up an interesting point.
04:55It sounded like it got pretty crazy in there, very raucous.
04:58Well, indeed it did, John.
05:00For starters, there was a lot of taunting, shouts of death to Saddam,
05:04and cheers for his rival, the radical Shiite cleric, Muqtada al-Sada.
05:08Fuck it up, fuck it up, fuck it up, fuck it up.
05:13Hey, is that your moustache, or did your upper lip just throw up?
05:18Ding!
05:20That last one was me.
05:24What was...
05:26What was Saddam's demeanour, uh, throughout this proceeding?
05:29Well, he maintained a quiet resolve, an almost otherworldly dignity.
05:34And when the most dignified man at an execution is the mass murderer,
05:38you know things could have gone smoother.
05:41Thank you very much, John. John Oliver from Baghdad.
05:44Meanwhile, an historic day in Washington, January 4th, 2007.
05:52For the first time in 12 years, the Democrats have taken control of both houses of Congress,
05:56and God, of course, wept.
05:59An historic day full of pomp and circumstance, the new Democratic majority being sworn in,
06:05and, oh, former Speaker Dennis Haster does not look happy.
06:11Yes.
06:14Excellent.
06:15I would not want to be the gallon of Ben and Jerry's waiting in his freezer.
06:20Mmm.
06:21Mmm.
06:22Mmm.
06:23Mmm.
06:24Mmm.
06:25Mmm.
06:26Now it's just me and you, Spoonie.
06:28Mmm.
06:29Mmm.
06:31Those sworn in included a diverse group of Democrats, from Minnesota's Keith Ellison,
06:36America's first Muslim congressman who chose to be sworn in on a Koran,
06:39and 89-year-old Robert Byrd sworn in on not just a Bible, but the Bible.
06:48Limited edition, signed by the author.
06:56Interesting.
06:57By the way, I don't know if you noticed, God wrote in,
07:00P.S. I know how you're going to die.
07:02Seems like a cheap shot.
07:04But the real history was being made in the House of Representatives,
07:09when Nancy Pelosi became America's first female Speaker of the House.
07:15Before we move forward, because there's so many children here,
07:18and so many of them asked me if they could touch the gavel.
07:22I'm pretty sure that's what got the last Congress in trouble.
07:38I wanted to invite as many of them who wanted to come forward to come join me up here.
07:43All those in favor, say, aww.
07:49By the end of her speech, Pelosi's self-converted from San Francisco liberal
07:54to family values Catholic.
07:57I want to thank Paul and our five children,
08:00Nancy, Corinne, Christine, Jacqueline, Paul Jr., and Alexandra,
08:04and our magnificent grandchildren.
08:07Yes, I would like to thank them.
08:11It's an impressive list until you look at Ms. Pelosi's hand.
08:37Welcome back to the program.
08:42We sit here shaking off the holiday cobwebs.
08:44Uh, kids.
08:46Firearms.
08:47On paper, winning combination.
08:49But, could their real-life pairing actually pose problems?
08:54Jason Jones investigates.
08:58Gun violence in schools.
08:59It's a serious problem.
09:01Statistics show schools are among the most dangerous places in our society.
09:05More or less.
09:09Fortunately, Wisconsin State Representative Frank Lasse has a plan which will change all that.
09:15Well, I want to give our school personnel access to guns to stop those with guns.
09:20So you want to give guns to teachers?
09:22Exactly.
09:24How do we prevent violence?
09:26Anyone can snap, I think.
09:29Are you talking about teachers?
09:30No, I'm talking about the students.
09:31Right.
09:32Teachers are the ones we want to give the guns to.
09:34Right, right.
09:35Teachers are right.
09:36Of course, Lasse's plan would store the guns safely away from students, like in the faculty lounge.
09:42Only faculty are allowed in there.
09:46And the best part of arming school personnel, you don't even have to train them.
09:50Well, we have people in our schools now who have served in our military, who have gun training.
09:55See, that's perfect.
09:56I had a shop teacher who'd been to Nam.
09:59And, well, you know, sometimes you'd hear voices that weren't really there and called all the kids Charlie.
10:04I don't...
10:05What's important here is that he'd have access to the guns.
10:08Yeah, I want to have...
10:09I want to make it...
10:11I want to make...
10:13Lasse's plan just makes sense.
10:16Qualified, armed adults are the perfect protectors for our students, as this classroom video demonstrates.
10:21This is a glass foil.
10:22See, I'm the only one in this school professional enough that I know of who carries a glass foil.
10:28I'm the only one.
10:30No more.
10:32Is everybody all right?
10:35But amazingly, some teachers don't want live ammunition in schools.
10:40People like Oklahoma school's superintendent nominee, Bill Crozier.
10:44Giving guns to teachers is not a good way to protect students.
10:47It's just not a realistic plan.
10:48There are too many problems.
10:50So what do you propose?
10:51My plan is to issue students textbooks that can be used as shields.
10:56Textbooks as shields.
10:59Books would stop the bullets, which would protect the children.
11:03But many students would have their books on their desk, hopefully open, reading them, you know.
11:06If somebody came into the room real quick, they'd take a look, close it, hold it front, and it drops down like this.
11:14Hmm.
11:17Hmm.
11:20I definitely feel safe about holding the book this way.
11:24I mean, I can hardly even see you.
11:28That's all they could see was the books.
11:31I couldn't wait to share my discovery.
11:33I'm 100% protected.
11:38He says my idea is goofy.
11:40Actually, he called it idiotic.
11:41That would never stop a bullet.
11:42That's not going to protect our kids.
11:44Oh, really?
11:45Well, take a look at Crozier's scientific demonstration.
11:53It penetrated the calculus book, and the phone book, and hit the rock.
11:58And if the student were behind the rock, he'd be perfectly fine.
12:02However, that didn't stop Crozier from further innovation.
12:05We can use Kevlar book covers.
12:06Kevlar?
12:07Nice.
12:08You know what would be great is like a Hello Kitty Kevlar cover.
12:11Well, mine personally, of course, I like airplanes.
12:14I'd probably put airplane, fighter planes on them.
12:17But books can be used for more than just armor.
12:20Students can actually throw the textbooks at the intruder and knock them down.
12:23Oh, I mean like this.
12:26I have to say, this makes your teachers with guns plan look a little lame.
12:35I'd like to see you try to defend yourself with a Kevlar book.
12:39That sounded like a dare.
12:42So Crozier and I headed back to the proving grounds.
12:44Okay, so I'm sitting in the back of the classroom.
12:48You barge in.
12:49You're crazy.
12:50I got my textbook.
12:51Go ahead and hit me.
12:53Ah, damn it!
12:56All right.
12:58Ow!
13:01One more time.
13:02Just aim for the damn book.
13:04Yes, thanks to such sensible proposals from our legislators, our schools will soon be perfectly safe.
13:18Once they've worked out a few kinks.
13:27Jason Jones, we'll be right back.
13:31Jerk.
13:33Ow!
13:44Welcome back to the program.
13:45My guest tonight, a very funny comedian whose new HBO special is called Louis C.K. Shameless.
13:51My body's just falling apart, man.
13:52I got tits now, too.
13:53I just got tits.
13:55And that is a f***ed up day in a man's life.
13:59When you look in the mirror and you realize, f***, I got tits.
14:02Because you don't see them coming.
14:03They're sort of pouting out a little by little.
14:05And then one day they just f***ed fall a little.
14:06And that's it.
14:07You have tits.
14:08And they're there for good.
14:09They're not going to, like, go back.
14:10It's f***ing over.
14:11That's the thing is that I'm 39.
14:13I'm not going to get better now.
14:14I'm not going to be all ripped when I'm 48.
14:16It's f***ing over.
14:18It's this or a lot worse for the rest of my life.
14:20Please welcome Louis C.K.
14:37I'm going to say something to you.
14:38Okay.
14:39And I've known you for a lot of years.
14:41Yeah, that's true.
14:42I think you have really nice tits.
14:47Really nice.
14:48Well, you know, when they came in I had all these weird feelings.
14:51They came in?
14:52Yeah.
14:53Well, when I looked in the mirror after a shower and I saw them,
14:56I think it must have been a light.
14:57It's the only moment that a 12-year-old girl and a 40-year-old man have in common, I think.
15:03I hope it's the only moment that they have in common.
15:08How are you, though?
15:09I haven't seen you in a little bit since the holidays and the new year.
15:12Yes.
15:13How was Kwanzaa?
15:14For me, the holidays were awful.
15:17Yeah, they were terrible.
15:19Because I have a family.
15:20And holidays are supposed to be for families, but they're for single people.
15:26They go to parties and get drunk and laid and stuff like that.
15:30For us, it's just awful.
15:31First of all, well, starting with New Year's Eve, which with Dick Clark and the stroke face counting it down,
15:36which was just unfair.
15:37Oh, no.
15:38Get off the TV.
15:39No, don't say that.
15:40Don't blame him for having a stroke, but he's no longer qualified to count down.
15:45The whole point of Dick Clark is that he's the same every year.
15:48It's the same guy.
15:50And you go, hey, New Year's is just a ticking clock.
15:53It's nothing.
15:54But now it's like, I'm going to melt into a blob.
15:56The world is ending.
16:00Stop doing it.
16:01I wish him a long life in private in his home, not on the TV.
16:05That is the point.
16:06Is he our Dorian Gray?
16:08Is it not?
16:09Can't we not?
16:10Isn't it wonderful to see a man overcome and still come up?
16:14No, no.
16:15And be with Ryan Seacrest?
16:16No, because it would be like, look, if Derek Jeter had a stroke in his young years, it would be...
16:20Derek Jeter?
16:21Yeah, I'm just picking a guy.
16:23Derek Jeter plays shortstop for the Yankees.
16:25Dick Clark just has to count.
16:26No, but he didn't even...
16:28You and I will never agree on the Dick Clark thing.
16:31No, we won't.
16:32We won't.
16:33This is where we draw the line as friends.
16:34That's right.
16:35That's right.
16:36And this, I find that the family, what about the joy in the children?
16:39Well, that's changed.
16:40Two and a half years old.
16:41The joy in the children.
16:42Because it used to be Christmas was Santa brought a toy and the kid opened it and it was like a carved wooden horse.
16:48You know?
16:49Was that when you were in the pioneer days?
16:51I believe that was.
16:52That's right.
16:53When you were heading west to homestead.
16:54That's right.
16:55That's what Christmas used to mean.
16:57But now it's, why did Santa bring me a doll encased in this plastic that nobody can open?
17:02This awful...
17:03And you can cut it from bottom to top.
17:05You're not even close to opening it.
17:07And it's cutting your...
17:08And the baby is like in this S&M tied to the...
17:11You know, like just hog-tied baby with this cord around its neck.
17:16And it's all the kids are just waiting.
17:19The parents are like, open it!
17:21Just losing it.
17:22And it starts a fight with the...
17:24You're not...
17:25You do it then.
17:26You do it.
17:27You open the thing.
17:28You open it.
17:29You...
17:30You shouldn't have bought the apple ball gag Barbie.
17:32Yeah.
17:33I know.
17:34You should have bought...
17:35Yeah.
17:36The one from...
17:37Yeah.
17:38But don't you take any pleasure in their...
17:41You as the father, the superhero figure in the household?
17:44Well, I mean, I got...
17:45I've got two kids now.
17:46I've got a daughter...
17:47Don't say it like that.
17:48Well, I've got a daughter and another...
17:50Another f***ing daughter.
17:51And...
17:52They...
17:53That's so not right!
17:57Look, here's what happened.
17:59This is on tape!
18:00I know.
18:01One of my daughters forgot how to sleep.
18:04Like a week ago.
18:05She just forgot how to sleep.
18:06That's tough.
18:07She doesn't sleep anymore.
18:08And that has an effect.
18:09Yes!
18:10On everybody.
18:11Yes!
18:12First of all, I don't love her anymore.
18:13And I don't.
18:14I'm totally...
18:16She's awful.
18:17No!
18:18Do not care for that one.
18:19Because when she's not sleeping and it changes everything.
18:22The way you think, the way...
18:24I understand things I didn't used to understand.
18:26Like the whole babies in the garbage thing.
18:28I totally get it now!
18:29No!
18:30That's it!
18:31I totally get it!
18:32No, I do!
18:33I'm not staying...
18:34I'm not going.
18:35I'm not going.
18:36I'm staying right here.
18:37You're going.
18:38Sit down!
18:39Sit down!
18:40I'm just saying, I used to see that on TV and I'd go, oh my God!
18:47And now I go, well, sure you did.
18:48I understand.
18:49I wouldn't do it.
18:51I would never throw my daughter in the garbage because she's...
18:54She's forced!
18:56She would just crawl out and follow me home.
18:58It wouldn't be...
18:59Nothing would be accomplished.
19:01Louis C.K. Shameless premieres on HBO January 13th at 10 PM.
19:05Louis C.K.
19:06That's not nice!
19:18Welcome back to the program.
19:19Before we go, we check in, as always, with our good friend Stephen Colbert at The Colbert Report.
19:23Stephen!
19:24John!
19:25I see you, uh...
19:30I still see you're wearing your 2007 novelty glasses.
19:34Correction, John.
19:36My 2007 novelty bifocals.
19:38They're great for reading and for looking at adoring crowds in Times Square.
19:42By the way, did you hear I dropped the ball?
19:46You dropped the ball in Times Square?
19:49No.
19:50I was supposed to, but I dropped the ball.
19:57What, did you show up late?
19:58No, I was there on time, but when I posed for a PR photo with the ball, I dropped it.
20:05You dropped the ball on dropping the ball by dropping the ball.
20:10Well, if you put it that way, it sounds silly, John.
20:17Maybe they'll hire you for next year.
20:19If they have balls.
20:21This is the best we could do after two and a half weeks.
20:27That's our show.
20:28We're doing it tomorrow night at 11.
20:29Here it is, your moment of zen.
20:31We'll be back with more.
20:32And again, if word comes to us of the execution, we'll bring it to you immediately.
20:37And if it means breaking into a commercial break, we'll do that.
20:40Don't go away.
20:41We'll go ahead and, yeah.
20:4745.
20:48Right here.
20:49That's it.
20:50That's 45.
20:5145, like a 1911 military type issue.
20:54That's what it is.
20:55Okay.
21:00I didn't see it move.
21:04I'll try a little more.
21:11See it at the bottom?
21:12Yeah, a little bit.
21:13Get up.
21:14Get up a little bit more.
21:15Shoot it a little bit higher, eh?
21:25Okay.
21:26Did it go through yet?
21:27Yes.
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