- 23/07/2025
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FunTranscript
00:30No. Oh, maybe. No, no.
00:34Sales manager in a huge department store.
00:37Too busy.
00:39Beautician on a cruise liner.
00:40Too boaty.
00:42You can find work and sort your life out any time. The pub closes in five hours.
00:47You could try and help. It's not easy finding a job.
00:50Have Manny's. He knows he's useless. He won't mind.
00:53You work here and he can go back to whatever semen shelter he was born in.
00:57Enough.
00:58The pub. Come on, Manny.
01:00No, I won't bother. I'm useless, apparently. I'll just stay here.
01:04Oh, don't take it like that. I only meant in the sense you never do anything of any use.
01:10I hope you've got some keys for when you roll in drunk. I'm off to bed.
01:22Manny, I've left my keys somewhere. Bring them over, will you?
01:28Yes.
01:28Oh, hello, Gus.
01:32Long time no speaky.
01:35Oh, when did you get out?
01:38Yeah.
01:40Yeah.
01:41What, your nephew?
01:41Yeah, sure we could do a book reading, yeah. No problem.
01:46Yeah. Yeah, listen, Gus. A friend of mine's looking for work. You wouldn't have to know of anything, would you?
01:52Yeah.
01:53Right.
01:55Great. Yeah. What's the name?
01:57Okay, hang on.
01:58Now we'll see who's useless.
02:00All right, far away.
02:07Goodbye.
02:08Yeah.
02:09Speak up a bit.
02:09Oh, my God.
02:21Oh, my God.
02:23Oh, my God.
02:25Oh, my God.
02:27OK.
02:29OK.
02:35OK.
02:39Five, six, seven, eight.
03:01One, eight, nine.
03:09Well?
03:18Lovely. The job's as good as yours.
03:20This bloke, Nugent, owes a favour to an old mate of mine, Gus.
03:23That's the address.
03:24Who's Danny Spudge?
03:25You'll meet him at lunch.
03:27Did Nugent tell you anything about the work?
03:29No, I only spoke to Gus after he'd been speaking to Danny, not Nugent, so I don't know.
03:33Who's Gus? What lunch?
03:34Oh, God, I'm going to be late.
03:35Wait.
03:36Now, who's Nugent?
03:41She won't know until you let her go to the job.
03:43What job? How do you know Danny Spudge?
03:45I don't. Gus does.
03:46Who's Gus?
03:47A friend of Nugent.
03:48Hello?
03:49Who are you?
03:50I'm Ralph.
03:51Ralph who?
03:52What?
03:53Don't play games.
03:55Why did they send you?
03:56Look, I just want a book on tape.
03:58What book?
03:59Anything by James Elroy.
04:00How's Elroy involved?
04:03Tell me or I'll jam you. Who's Gus?
04:04Bernard, Gus is just a friend of mine.
04:06Keep talking.
04:07Look, I used to do some work for Gus.
04:09A bit of a crook, but well-connected.
04:10His nephew, Danny, has written a book.
04:13Gus suggested we let him do a reading.
04:14I asked him if he had any jobs going for Fran,
04:16and he put her on to Nugent.
04:17Very simple, no mystery.
04:19Okay.
04:22What about this bastard?
04:24He's a customer.
04:25I'm sorry, we don't do books on tape.
04:27Could you try down the road?
04:27Yes.
04:32Yes.
04:34Yes.
04:35No.
04:36No.
04:37How many times have I heard that?
04:41Just get it sorted, right?
04:44Fran?
04:45Yeah.
04:47Look, we're not living on a farm, right?
04:50Do you take my point?
04:51So just do it, because it is your job.
04:56Vouchers for the canteen.
04:57I'm sorry about this.
04:58Yeah.
04:59No.
05:00No.
05:02No!
05:04At least the front will show you a disc.
05:06Oh, great.
05:07Right.
05:08Go on.
05:09Go on.
05:10Sorry, I don't actually know what the job would...
05:13Oh, for Christ's sake!
05:14Does he have to be told everything?
05:17I'll see you later.
05:17Listen, if I have to come down there and show you the box, I will.
05:24But you don't want that, because the minute I step in that door,
05:27some boxes travel.
05:29In a box.
05:32How many times in a box?
05:34I don't care.
05:36I genuinely don't care.
05:37Well, I am, aren't I?
05:38I don't care.
05:39I don't care.
05:40I don't care.
05:41I don't care.
05:42I don't care.
05:43I don't care.
05:44I don't care.
05:45I don't care.
05:46I don't care.
05:47I don't care.
06:12So I left him sat there
06:40staring at his thumbs in the ashtray.
06:43It's quite a funny story.
06:48Thumbs, yeah.
06:50In the ashtray.
06:52Yeah, yeah. Thumbs, yeah.
06:53Just lying there all bloody and bent.
06:59It's a very, very, very, very, very funny story.
07:03It's not that funny.
07:04No.
07:06I don't want to give the pundits the wrong impression.
07:09Which would be...
07:10Some people think I'm a thug.
07:13That's very upsetting.
07:15That's why I did the book.
07:16Set a few things straight.
07:18So they can see the real adorable you.
07:21Exactly!
07:24Anyway, lads.
07:25About the book reading.
07:26I've got a slight problem.
07:28We can cancel it. That's fine. No problem.
07:30Ansel?
07:31No, no, no, no.
07:32No big thing.
07:34It's just I've got to brush up a bit
07:35I'm here reading skills.
07:38But you wrote a book?
07:39Nah, Ghost Rider, innit?
07:41Bloga did the Spice Girls book.
07:44Wow.
07:47So you can give me lessons, yeah?
07:49No, we...
07:50You can read, can't you?
07:51Well, obviously, everybody can read.
07:54But we...
07:55Everybody...
07:58With...
07:59People who...
08:00You...
08:01I think we'll be able to help you.
08:06So, here's to your lessons.
08:09Cheers.
08:10Cheers.
08:10Cheers.
08:11Cheers.
08:11Cheers.
08:12Cheers.
08:17Incidentally,
08:18don't tell anyone about this.
08:20Otherwise, I'll kill you both.
08:26And your mobs.
08:27I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.
08:33Or, if I get found out, they'll fire me.
08:35Don't worry.
08:36But I don't know what to do.
08:37You know, whether I'm supposed to...
08:39Or...
08:39Or anything.
08:41Oh, I need this job.
08:42Oh, you'll pick it up.
08:44I think it's all about attitude.
08:45You just go in there and give it a go.
08:47And you'll...
08:48Pick it up.
08:49I mean, we don't know how to teach somebody how to read,
08:51but we'll...
08:52Pick it up.
08:54Because that's how you learn anything, isn't it?
08:56It's just like driving, or...
08:57Yeah, exactly.
08:58I'm not worried.
09:00Astrophysics.
09:01Exactly.
09:02Blind taming.
09:03Exactly.
09:05I'm not worried.
09:05I'm not worried.
09:06No...
09:16I'm not worried.
09:17I'm not worried.
09:17I'm not worried.
09:57Have you seen Ted? Braces, spots.
10:03This is crap.
10:04He's crap.
10:05At what?
10:06At everything. It's like he doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing.
10:10There's always one wanker who faffs around and leaves everyone else to pick up the slack.
10:16How are you getting on? All right?
10:17Good. Yeah. Hectic.
10:19Pity about Ted.
10:21She hasn't done much since I've been in.
10:24Right. I'm out of here.
10:26Cheers, friend.
10:27When you hand your stuff in, then, eh? Thursday?
10:31Thursday?
10:32That's the day after tomorrow. I mean, fair's fair.
10:34You hired me yesterday. You told me nothing about the job.
10:37I'm not going to keep you waiting till Thursday.
10:40Best thing tomorrow.
10:42Yeah, the board's going to be there. You're going to present it yourself?
10:44Yeah, of course. Of course.
10:46Great stuff.
10:46I wish Gus would send me a few more, like you.
10:50Get on with it!
10:57I kept his ear in my pocket for a month. I used to chew it at parties.
11:08Gets you noticed, I can tell you.
11:11He's insane. This is insane.
11:13Reading is just one of those things. It can't be taught.
11:16Oh, no, you remember your early books.
11:18Peter likes Jane. Jane likes Peter. Peter has a ball.
11:21Jane has no thumbs.
11:26Gentlemen.
11:27Danny!
11:27Hello. Thank you.
11:33Have a seat.
11:34You're telling me what to do?
11:35No, no, no, not at all.
11:37Have you eaten?
11:38Would you like a jumper?
11:39You're not bored, are you?
11:41No.
11:45Let's start.
11:49OK.
11:50If you want to just read a page, we'll find you a level.
11:54Hang on. Shouldn't I learn the, uh, what do you call them first?
11:56The, the, the, the, the, the, um, the letters, alphabet.
12:03I've got to know that before I can make words.
12:06Ah.
12:09Yes.
12:09Yes, of course.
12:12Manny, a moment.
12:21He doesn't know letters.
12:24He can't read at all.
12:26So he missed a bit of school, but apparently he's very good at snooker.
12:30Is he?
12:34Good.
12:34Good.
12:35Quick, go and dig out learning to read with Steve Davis.
12:39You see...
12:40We're not quitters.
12:45I am a quizzer.
12:46I come from a long line of quizzers.
12:47It's amazing I'm here at all.
12:49He's just an urchin, a foundling.
12:52We can teach him.
12:53We can't teach him!
12:54Look at that face!
12:56I bet his cornflakes tried to crawl out of the bowl.
12:59We have to try.
13:00But what if we can't?
13:01Just try, Danny.
13:15Please, guess.
13:16What's the letter?
13:16I've got a cluster headache.
13:27I'm getting upset.
13:29I can't breathe.
13:31I've got to go.
13:32That's fine.
13:33If you have to.
13:33How long does it take for these lessons to take effect?
13:44I am doing well, aren't I?
13:45Excellent!
13:46Excellent!
13:46And natural.
13:50Oh, good.
13:52Good.
13:53Because if I can't read by Friday,
13:56you'll both be brown bread.
13:58Buttered.
13:59With Harry.
14:01On the boat.
14:01Mm!
14:03I don't have a boat!
14:16Mm!
14:18Oh, there you are.
14:20Manny, what am I going to do?
14:22I have to give a talk or a report or a talk about a report or a...
14:25Quiet!
14:25We've got a real problem.
14:26Do you want me to get fired?
14:28Do you want us to get killed?
14:29Will you both please relax?
14:31This is your fault.
14:32All I know about my job is there are biscuits in the stationery cupboard.
14:37What kind?
14:38We're going to die!
14:39It's nothing.
14:40It's not nothing.
14:42He eats poppadoms without breaking them.
14:44Why not?
14:45And you'll be fine.
14:47Just go in there and do the thing.
14:50What thing?
14:51I love my thumps.
14:54Look, don't worry.
14:57I'll call Gus.
14:58He'll sort us out.
14:59Trust me.
14:59And what about me?
15:01I swear, Manny, if I get the boot...
15:02Don't worry!
15:03Plenty of oomph.
15:05Oomph.
15:06Oomph.
15:06Well, well, well.
15:22What am I doing here?
15:24I ask you that.
15:26What's it all about?
15:27Any ideas?
15:36Ask yourself.
15:38Is this...
15:39A.
15:40Efficient.
15:41And B.
15:43Productive.
15:44Is this the best that we can be?
15:53Are we, or...
15:55Are we not...
16:00A company?
16:07Thank you, Fred.
16:09Thank you very much.
16:11You look special.
16:13You're a leader.
16:15You've got to head up your own team.
16:17You're going all the way.
16:24Yes, Danny.
16:25Yes, Danny.
16:26Okay, Danny.
16:29That was Danny,
16:31who's very excited about being able to read by tomorrow.
16:36When is Gus coming?
16:38What if Danny doesn't listen to him?
16:39Everyone listens to Gus.
16:41He's the fixer.
16:42But Danny said if we told anyone that he...
16:45We'll be discreet.
16:48I know the lingo.
16:50But what...
16:51What is this?
16:54You think you're a gangster now?
16:56I'm known in all the boroughs.
16:57Right.
17:02Clear off.
17:03He doesn't talk to strangers.
17:04Money!
17:22Money!
17:25Gas!
17:25Now, money, what can I do for you?
17:52It's our little transaction, Gus. Half of it's wobbly.
17:57You know how it is. Someone goes in the deep end, they get in a flap,
18:02then the bully in them comes out and you think, ooh, hello.
18:06Dear, oh, dear. Michael's, I take it, are being taken.
18:09Ugly words. Threats, in fact. Mums were mentioned, Gus. Mums.
18:16This is total lack of respect.
18:18You do it because it's your job!
18:22Manny, Manny, I've been promoted. I get to bully everyone.
18:25Fatty and Spotty wee themselves every time I walk by.
18:28Friend, I still don't know what I'm doing, so don't tell anyone or else.
18:32This is Mr...
18:33Aw, hello.
18:37Can't you do anything by yourself?
18:40Manny, don't you dare tell anyone. Mums the word.
18:44No, no, no!
18:50Er, sorry about that. See, the problem is...
18:53You're being bullied. Now we can't have that.
18:57Leave it to me, Manny.
18:59Sorry for trouble, you Gus.
19:01No trouble.
19:02What did he say, the midget?
19:09You mustn't call him the midget.
19:10He's a midget. A tiny midget.
19:13What have you ever heard?
19:14He won't! His ears are too small!
19:18Now, what's he gonna do about Danny?
19:20It'll be fine. He'll call him off.
19:23How do you know what he'll do? He's a crook.
19:24Let's just say we've always understood one another.
19:42Go get me some Turkish delight.
19:46Nugent, Gus.
19:47Get rid of the girl.
19:49She's a bully. She's got no respect.
19:52Yeah, threats and everything.
19:53No, I can't tonight.
19:55I'm going to see the Corona's quartet.
19:56I'm going to see the Corona's quartet.
20:23It's not fair. I was doing so well.
20:42Everybody loved me and they were all such lovely people.
20:45You didn't even know what you were doing.
20:47Don't interrupt.
20:49If I had authority, I was somebody.
20:51Come on, you talk to Gus, please.
20:54Oh, no, he's already done us a big favour by sorting Danny out.
20:57It's just unfortunate you got fired immediately after I spoke to him.
21:01But everything's going to be all right and it'll be OK because it's all very, very good.
21:11Dreadful, Pete.
21:12The Gucci dwarf.
21:14And that Drongo, Danny.
21:16As if you could ever teach a thug like that.
21:18Bernard, shut up.
21:19Gus, I admit, was genuine underworld because he has to get on a stepladder to pee.
21:23But that huge gunk.
21:25Bernard, Bernard.
21:25I wish I could see him again, actually, you know, because I'd have him.
21:28Like that.
21:30I feel a bit woozy.
21:33I always get dizzy before the screams.
21:39Before the air is full of gizzards and tendons.
21:44The hair.
21:45The blood.
21:47It'll pass in a moment.
21:48And then I'm going to really...
21:55So you're the one who can't read, hmm?
22:01Sit down.
22:03What?
22:03I said sit down.
22:11Take that silly look off your big head.
22:12Now, we've drawn an A, haven't we?
22:23What is it?
22:25It's an A.
22:29I want to go to the toilet.
22:31Shut up.
22:34Not until you can read this.
22:36Nibbly Pig got on a bus.
22:38She's playing with fire.
22:40He's not ready for Nibbly Pig.
22:42I want to go to the toilet.
22:56Here's the divvy.
23:01Keep it down out there, would you?
23:06Cute Danny.
23:06It is a truth universally acknowledged
23:11that a single man in possession of a good fortune
23:14must be in want of a wife.
23:17character music plays
23:18and
23:21listen to this.
23:43...
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