- 2 months ago
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00:01Come on, Papadakis, it's your last lap.
00:03You only have to run a 10-minute mile.
00:05Ugh!
00:06You know what?
00:07Papadakis may have lost 40 pounds,
00:08but he still sweats like a fat body.
00:10What's his time?
00:11He's running 20 seconds behind.
00:12Yeah, but if he's a little over,
00:13you're still gonna pass him on the Army Fitness Test, right?
00:16No.
00:17Everybody has to be battle-ready, including Papadakis.
00:19I wanna die!
00:20Please let me die!
00:22You can die, Papadakis!
00:23I believe in you!
00:25He cannot do it.
00:26I do not believe in him.
00:27You know what?
00:28I actually do believe in him.
00:29He just needs the proper motivation.
00:30Major?
00:31Mm-hmm?
00:32Deploy our new recruit.
00:33Yes, sir!
00:34Sergeant Scraps!
00:35Go get him!
00:37Operation who's a good boy is a go.
00:42You trained a dog to attack him?
00:47It's a sheep-herding dog.
00:48It's just gonna nip at his heels.
00:51It's working.
00:52He's still 10 seconds behind, though.
00:53Alright, time for Operation who's a bad boy.
00:56He's not going to die!
00:57Oh, my God!
00:58Oh, my God!
00:59Oh, my God!
01:00Oh!
01:01Oh, my God!
01:02Oh!
01:05Oh, my God!
01:06Oh!
01:07Oh!
01:08Oh, my God!
01:09Stop running now!
01:10You passed the Army Fitness Test!
01:12You can't!
01:13They won't stop chasing me!
01:15What a beauty.
01:43Took a useless bowling alley and turned it into the best urban training site in all of Europe.
01:48And now Stroopsturf will be known for three planks.
01:51Laundry, cheese, and kicking your ass.
01:54Hey, uh, remember when I said when are we going to get General Davidson's permission to build this and you said how's he going to find out?
02:00Gwen!
02:00What?
02:00How dare you go behind my back and destroy this beautiful bowling alley?
02:05Well, I was joining a league this year.
02:06We were going to call ourselves the Pin-Up Boys.
02:08What?
02:08Shirts were made.
02:10Shirts?
02:10Are you trying to provoke me?
02:12Sir, we need to stay militarily viable.
02:14I think that's more important than you throwing a few gutter balls on Tuesday nights.
02:18Something you gotta know about me.
02:21I bowl good.
02:23Well, I army good.
02:26I'm considered one of the greatest military minds of my generation, which is why the Quinn Maneuver has been taught at West Point.
02:31It's not.
02:32What?
02:32Actually, your reverse pencil movement has been removed from the textbook.
02:36Why?
02:36Why would they do that?
02:37Well, let's see.
02:37It was irrelevant, stupid, and reckless, just like you.
02:41I'd rather be all those things than a stupid pin-up boy with a fancy shirt.
02:45Well, I will be here tomorrow with the paratroopers of the 173rd.
02:50And together, we will teach you about the chain of command.
02:54Great.
02:54No rules.
02:55Love it.
02:56Double blind.
02:57Fantastic.
02:58Force on force.
02:59Simulated combat.
03:01We look forward to some unfriendly combat competition.
03:04Bring it on, creepo.
03:05Oh, you're thinking that you and your troops will be doing the fighting?
03:08You misunderstand.
03:10I'm bringing in the paratroopers to fight with each other.
03:13Are you telling me you're going to come in here and have an orgy in my living room and make me listen at the door?
03:19No.
03:20Actually, I'm going to keep the door open.
03:23It's true.
03:24You've been excised from this year's edition of the West Point textbook and replaced with a picture of a warhorse like the warhorse in the movie Warhorse.
03:31Just based on the play Warhorse.
03:33I think it's based on a book.
03:34Warhorse.
03:34Enough with the warhorse, okay?
03:37It's humiliating, sitting watching combat on my own base while I'm not involved.
03:42Permission to give you a supportive hug, sir.
03:45Yep.
03:46You know what?
03:48Nah.
03:48Davidson turned me into a cuck.
03:49He cucked me.
03:50He turned this chair into a cuck chair.
03:52I'm a sitting cuck.
03:53Cuck.
03:53You know what?
03:54No more sitting.
03:55We're getting rid of chairs.
03:56Everybody stands from now on.
03:57Take the stupid book.
03:59Yep.
03:59Got it.
03:59On it.
04:00What is a cuck chair?
04:02You think he's going to be okay?
04:04Yeah, he just needs time to process.
04:06Oh.
04:06Well, that actually sounds kind of healthy.
04:08Oh, no, no, no, no.
04:08Processing is what he calls plotting to destroy your enemy.
04:11Yeah.
04:11That sounds more like my dad.
04:13Hey, uh, I know Celeste and I have been checked out, but, um...
04:17Oh, well.
04:17We're looking to hang out again, and I'd love for us all to get together and you two to
04:20get to know each other, maybe?
04:21Unless that's weird.
04:22What?
04:23Weird?
04:24Why would that be weird?
04:26Literally no reason that would be weird.
04:28You're weird.
04:28You're weird.
04:29For being...
04:30Saying that it's...
04:32Weird.
04:32Uh, no, I love Celeste and I love you two together.
04:36I'd love to be with you two together.
04:38Yeah, absolutely.
04:39Great.
04:39All right, let's, uh, let's figure something out then.
04:41Let's get in the cow.
04:42I'm excited.
04:42I'm down.
04:43Looking forward to it.
04:45It's about time.
04:47Ooh, I'm so booked.
04:49I haven't set a date yet.
04:50Well, it's just really nights are hard for me, and only, like, um, only every night.
04:55Well, we could do breakfast, maybe?
04:56Celeste and I get up early every morning and we run together.
04:58Yeah, no, I've seen you guys.
04:59You'd think it would be really hard for you and your wife to jog and kiss at the same time,
05:03but you guys have really figured it out.
05:06Hey, guys, I know how to beat Davidson in his own game.
05:08You process that in under two minutes.
05:10New record, sir?
05:10Listen, he wants no rules combat.
05:12We're going to give it to him.
05:13All right, well, exactly how no rules are you thinking?
05:15Nothing crazy, you know.
05:17The first part's going to sound like kidnapping, but I checked it out and legally we're in the clear.
05:21Sir, what you're describing is definitely kidnapping.
05:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
05:25Kidnapping is when you take someone against their will and use violence and intimidation to hold them captive.
05:30The worst you could say about what we're doing is maybe it's waylaying, you know?
05:34Okay, why do you have the legal statute for kidnapping memorized?
05:36Because I'm a patriot.
05:37Uh, why are we in Belgium?
05:43I don't know, man.
05:43My orders were to transport you to the drop-off, and this is the drop-off.
05:47All right, guys.
05:52Whoa, whoa, whoa!
05:54You have all our equipment!
05:57Did we get kidnapped?
05:58I think, technically, we were way late.
06:01Holy crap!
06:03You told us we were stealing military supplies, not laser tag gear, dude.
06:06It's not laser tag.
06:07It's force-on-force simulated combat, okay?
06:10In a double-blind exercise, where neither side shares their plan with the other.
06:13Yeah.
06:14So General Davidson's blue team has no idea what red team is up to, like the fact that we are now red team.
06:19I still don't understand why we want to embarrass ourselves by attacking our direct superior and his super soldiers.
06:25General Davidson wanted no-rules combat, which means there's no rule we can't play.
06:29And Davidson's trying to cock me, but I'm going to cock him.
06:31That's why.
06:33Colonel?
06:33Yeah?
06:34I volunteer to be the decisive point.
06:36You don't have the experience, man.
06:37It's not take your daughter to war.
06:38War day?
06:39It actually is.
06:39Literally.
06:40Take your daughter to war day.
06:41And Allison McDaniel never shut up about going to her dad's stupid dairy farm and getting all of the chocolate milk that she could drink.
06:46This is my chocolate milk.
06:49Okay.
06:49Give me the gun.
06:50No.
06:51Yeah, I'm not running a make-a-wish foundation here, okay?
06:53But I really am the best laser shot that you've got.
06:55It's not?
06:56Laser tag, guys.
06:57How many times do I have to say it?
06:58Soldiers?
06:59Lock and load.
07:04Yeah, I, uh, I think we're playing laser tag.
07:07Yeah.
07:15Jan, disco is canceled.
07:16Tony, they tried to kill a disco in the 80s, but you can never stop the beat.
07:20All right, guys, everybody gather out.
07:23Final briefing.
07:24Major Shaw?
07:25Mm-hmm.
07:26Okay, at 1,400, this flag will start pinging its location.
07:29General Davidson and his blue team right over here will begin attacking our position.
07:33Now, for them to win, they have to get their hands on this flag.
07:35For us to win, every one of their soldiers has to be eliminated.
07:40Okay, there's no reason to worry.
07:41This is simulated combat, right?
07:43If you get shot, you get a small shock, your gun and equipment turns off, and then you
07:45just walk right over to the dead tent.
07:47Yeah, about that.
07:48I had Papadakis hack into the sensor system and goose the shot, I don't know, a couple,
07:52maybe five levels.
07:53Hold on.
07:54How bad is this going to hurt?
07:55Somewhere between playing the board game operation and getting tased repeatedly.
08:01Repeatedly?
08:02Listen, it is okay to be scared.
08:04No, no, no.
08:05It's really not.
08:05No, it's not.
08:05They are out there in their tent, scared too.
08:07They are not scared.
08:08They want to shoot us in the face.
08:10We are soldiers, just like them.
08:12No, we're not.
08:13They are Hall of Fame combat-ready soldiers.
08:15You're dressed like soldiers, but you guys are basically little leaguers sitting on the
08:18bench, pulling your putts.
08:20They said those records were sealed.
08:21Listen to me.
08:22Any other day, any other place, we don't stand a chance.
08:24But today, in Stoopsdorf, we got them.
08:28Because we have the element of surprise, Davidson has no idea we are now the red team.
08:33So stay frosty, because we are going to war in ten minutes.
08:37I do have something in ten minutes.
08:40I'll push it.
08:45Nature.
08:45Mm-hmm.
08:46I volunteer to hold down the situation here in the rear.
08:50Negative.
08:50The colonel has ordered you to be in the first wave.
08:52First wave?
08:53Yeah.
08:53First wave.
08:54Uh-huh.
08:54I haven't heard a gun since basic.
08:55And the colonel said himself, none of us are really soldiers.
08:58I mean, the new guy is over there pressing flowers in a big-ass book.
09:02He's so strange.
09:03Oh.
09:04Listen, I don't like to be embarrassed.
09:06You don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself, because there is nothing to think about.
09:09All right, we've been given an order, and we've got to follow it.
09:11Isn't that freeing?
09:12No.
09:13I've always found it freeing.
09:14Hey, Maggie.
09:16The last.
09:17Good to see you.
09:18I'm so happy we finally have a morning hang on the books.
09:20Yes.
09:20Well, tend to do.
09:22Tend to do.
09:23I wanted to tell you that I'm kind of a witch, and that I can sense things.
09:27Oh.
09:27You know what I mean?
09:28And I just know that we're going to be such good friends, because we have so much in common.
09:32Sorry.
09:33Like what?
09:33Well, we both really like Abe.
09:35Oh, no.
09:36No.
09:37Well, sorry.
09:38No, I just mean that I have never liked, or I've never, like, said.
09:41Oh, my God.
09:42No, that's not what I meant.
09:44I just meant, like, the way that he talks about you, you can tell that there's a lot
09:47of love and admiration.
09:49Good.
09:49Kind of like a baby sister.
09:51That's exactly it.
09:53Bless his heart.
09:54Do you mind?
09:55I actually completely forgot I have to go talk to the colonel right now.
09:58Oh, right now?
09:58Yeah.
09:58Mm-hmm.
09:59Excuse me.
09:59Sure.
09:59Hey, FYI, I still shoot, you know, long range, firing at melons, just like I did with you when
10:05I was a kid.
10:06Mm-hmm.
10:06You know, the cantaloupe you kill yourself always tastes sweeter.
10:08You taught me that, right?
10:09Okay, what do you want?
10:10Let me be the decisive point.
10:12No.
10:13It's Shaw.
10:14He's got the most combat experience.
10:15Okay, well, Shaw is distracted.
10:18Are they staring into each other's eyes?
10:20Yes, they do that.
10:21Yeah, you know, he did ask me to make sure that Celeste was kept close to him during the
10:24maneuvers.
10:24Well, that, so he could focus on her instead of the mission, as opposed to me, who has
10:29nothing, will only focus on the mission.
10:31Congratulations.
10:32You're the decisive point.
10:33Congratulations to you.
10:34You just guaranteed yourself a victory.
10:36All right, well, let's go out there and get some melon shots.
10:38I'm going to turn those paratroopers into an edible arrangement.
10:42Split the blue team into Alpha and Bravo squads and prepare for enemy contact.
10:46General, we have a ping from the flag, 10 meters from the entrance to the training site.
10:50How are you doing, soldier?
10:53Being in the first wave reminds me of that scene in Saving Private Ryan, you know, the
10:56one where everyone immediately gets mowed down.
10:59Yeah.
11:00I love that scene.
11:01I was looking for some reassurance.
11:03Soldier, my reassurance is standing right next to you, because I would never ask you to
11:06do anything I wouldn't do myself.
11:08And you always come out fine.
11:09Oh, yeah.
11:10I mean, I get shot a lot.
11:10I have three purple hearts.
11:11That's two and eight.
11:13I'm sorry, sir.
11:13No, no, no.
11:14You can't embarrass me.
11:16It's one of my biggest strengths.
11:17I refuse to be embarrassed.
11:19All right.
11:19Yep.
11:20It allows me to do the impossible.
11:23Bravo team, cut the power.
11:24Alpha team, prepare to breach the training center.
11:27Move, move.
11:29Two by two, move.
11:30All right, soldiers.
11:32See you on the beach.
11:33Step right to breach the door.
11:34Move, move.
11:36Sector's clear, sir.
11:37We're through.
11:38Go.
11:39Go, go.
11:40What's your going?
11:42Let's play.
11:42Go.
11:43Move, move.
11:44Clear.
11:45Team leader reporting.
11:46The flag is in that shipping container.
11:55I'm blinded.
11:56Yeah.
11:57Where are they?
11:57What's going on?
11:58It's the dog.
11:59I can't see anything.
12:00The flag.
12:00It's on the dog.
12:00Let me see where to go.
12:01Grab the dog.
12:02Grab the dog.
12:08Take a deal with me.
12:09It was the wrong shipping container.
12:28Alpha team is down.
12:29Alpha team is down.
12:30Bravo team, prepare for answering.
12:31Follow me.
12:33Sector's clear, sir.
12:34All right.
12:40Decisive point.
12:41You're up.
12:42Take him out.
12:43I got him.
12:51Millen shot.
12:54Millen shot.
12:56Millen shot.
12:58Millen shot.
12:58Millen shot.
12:59No wonder my dad never came home.
13:07Whoa.
13:07Judging by how many of you guys wet your pants, I definitely goose a shock too much.
13:11I've had about enough of you, witch.
13:27Oh, no.
13:28Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
13:32Ah, well, that made it weird.
13:35That made it weird.
13:36Red, sarana, blue from the middle like some sort of reverse pincer movement.
13:40But that's impossible.
13:43That's the Quinn maneuver.
13:47All right, guys.
13:53Hey, listen up, guys.
13:54That was an amazing day out there.
13:57But before we really get crazy, I wanted to just take this time to single out today's MVP.
14:03Yep.
14:03This is somebody who really put on a great performance today without whom couldn't have done what we did.
14:09Ladies and gentlemen, scraps.
14:12Where are you, scraps?
14:13Come here, baby.
14:14Oh, yeah, there you are.
14:15Take a bow.
14:16Take a bow.
14:17Scraps, come here.
14:18Aw.
14:19Are you proud of anyone else as well?
14:21Well, yeah, no.
14:22I mean, I'm proud of all you guys in a very general, non-specific way.
14:26Come on.
14:26Let's go start the scrap.
14:27Let's get something to eat.
14:28Okay.
14:29Hey, you know that I took out half of the blue chain single-handedly.
14:32Well, we'll find out, because I'll check all the gun data, and we'll see just how many melons you hit.
14:36Sorry, what now?
14:37The gun data.
14:38Yeah, yeah, that's why we do all the electronic BS.
14:40We have, like, we can track everybody.
14:42Every single shot.
14:43Yeah, you have to do that.
14:44Right, because of...
14:45Well, that's how you find out if there was any friendly fire, because you can't have that.
14:48It's the opposite of what we're trying to achieve here.
14:50Yeah.
14:51All right, have a good time.
14:52All right.
14:52Okay.
14:52Hey, uh, that was awesome.
15:01That was awesome.
15:02Can I, uh, one second.
15:03Do you mind?
15:04Yeah.
15:05I just want to make sure that there's no way that the, um, blue team could, like, erase their data if they wanted to.
15:12Well, they could try to reset their device with a paperclip.
15:15Paperclip.
15:16See, that'll bring you back from the dead and wipe the most recent game.
15:19You know what?
15:20Yeah, I think I'll call West Point and tell them my maneuver worked again, and it's time to put it back into the textbook for next year.
15:25General Davidson's on the line.
15:26Probably.
15:26Ready to wave the white flag.
15:28General.
15:29You may have defeated my blue team, but I know your plan now, and I just took command of the real red team.
15:35What?
15:35They're supposed to be waylaid.
15:37Oh, my God.
15:38What is the real red team doing back here?
15:40The Dutch bus system is very comprehensive.
15:42This is why public transportation should be illegal.
15:45All right.
15:46You know what we're going to do?
15:48We're going to flank them.
15:49We go out the back door so we don't get shot and end up in the dead tent.
15:52Don't even worry about that.
15:53What are you doing?
15:54You guys, you know what?
15:55What?
15:55I'm going to take care of these guys single-handedly.
15:58No, don't do that.
15:58I hope I don't get shot.
15:59No, no, no, no.
16:00Contact!
16:01Contact!
16:04Let me get out!
16:12Hey.
16:12Oh, my God.
16:13Maggie, thank God.
16:14I'm so happy you're here.
16:15Wow, they really, uh, recreated the stench of death in here.
16:20Oh, yes.
16:20That is urine.
16:21A lot of these guys peed themselves, and they're being really dramatic about it.
16:27Meanwhile, I'm the only one on my team that got shot, so I'm mortified.
16:31Well, let's take a look, because your equipment might have, like, malfunctioned.
16:34No, I don't think so.
16:35Well, I check.
16:36It happens.
16:36I doubt it.
16:37I was yelling pew, pew, pew the whole time while I was firing.
16:40I just, I wanted to impress you.
16:42You know, I wanted to impress all of Abe's friends, because he's made this place home,
16:45and I was hoping it would be mine, too.
16:53Look.
16:54I got shot on purpose, so I could come in here and reset you.
16:58Really?
16:59Yeah.
17:00You could reset me, and then we'll both have a second chance.
17:03Okay.
17:06Let's go burn it.
17:07Let's do it.
17:09It all does smell like poo in some areas.
17:11Yeah, someone did that as well.
17:15Oh, God.
17:20Sir, I found one.
17:24Soldiers, it's time for the resurrection.
17:33Back, back, back. Davidson's blue team is back from the dead.
17:40Uh, so we were trying to flank them, then they flanked us.
17:43So two flanks is an equal opposite reaction.
17:47I'm, I'm really scared.
17:48Listen up, soldiers.
17:48As your leader, I cannot put you in harm's way.
17:51I know this is a fake war, but I will not let you fake die.
17:57I think, unfortunately, since we're surrounded by Davidson's red and blue team, I'm going to have to real surrender.
18:03Sir, I would have never passed the Army fitness test if it weren't for you believing in me enough to chase me with that knife.
18:10And I wouldn't have found out I'm a stone-cold laser killer if you hadn't put this gun in my hand.
18:17We got this far because you believed in us.
18:19Let's finish this thing together.
18:21And Quinn's never surrendered.
18:26You know what?
18:27Sergeant Scraps is right.
18:28We're still in this thing.
18:32The mirror bomb.
18:37Guess what, Major?
18:38Sergeant, I have just hatched the plan.
18:41Hey, Jan.
18:41Yes?
18:42We're going to need your help with the dramatic costume change.
18:44I have been preparing for this moment my whole life.
18:51Well, well, well, General, is this the closest you've ever been to the front lines?
18:56You are the only soldier I have ever known to take such pride in being shot.
19:01Well, three purple hearts is one of the things I do best.
19:04Well, I'm excited to see it for myself.
19:06I'm sure you are.
19:08Solder, your weapon.
19:10Any last words?
19:12I think just one.
19:16Fire.
19:16Fire.
19:25Your gun.
19:26Your gun.
19:27Your gun.
19:27You're gun.
19:34Ow!
19:35Ow!
19:36I've got the taste for blood.
19:37This proves nothing.
19:39Proves that the Quinn maneuver works twice, sir.
19:41Sorry.
19:41We won after being surrounded three times.
19:44Yeah, you still got it.
19:47Must.
19:48Not urinating.
19:50Oh.
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