00:00Okay, Dirty Roster for tomorrow.
00:04Four off, four on.
00:05Fish, you and Chano.
00:06Nick, you and Ward your hoards.
00:08How much longer is Harris going to be on court duty?
00:11Tuesday was wearing his brown suit.
00:13Wednesday, his houndstooth jacket.
00:16Today he was wearing the blue gabardine.
00:18He ought to be through on Monday.
00:19He only has two more outfits.
00:21Whatever.
00:22Yeah, okay.
00:26Cotton, we just booked this guy.
00:29He's drunk.
00:30Disorderly conduct.
00:31I think that is total exaggeration, don't you?
00:35What's you bring him up here for?
00:36This isn't a drunk tank.
00:37There's a government official.
00:39The name's Heiss.
00:40Name's not Heiss.
00:42Name's Heiss.
00:44Not Heiss.
00:48Mr. Heiss?
00:50That's better.
00:51Is it true you're with the federal government?
00:54I'm with the federal government.
00:55Did you know that?
00:58What is your connection with the guy?
01:00I happen to be the chief of the Bureau of Federal Regional Development and Planning for Underdeveloped Suburban Areas, Mines, Parks, and Indians.
01:14That was my payoff in the last election.
01:19How do you like that?
01:20They say he delivered 49 states?
01:24Well, donkey dust.
01:28Six of those states were mine.
01:32As soon as the election was over, he called me into his office, you know.
01:35And he said, Ed, that was a bang-up job you did in the last election.
01:44And to show my appreciation, I'm going to make you the chief of the Bureau of Federal Regional Development and Planning for Underdeveloped Suburban Areas, Mines, Parks, and Indians.
01:59Well, thanks a bunch, big fella.
02:05What are you doing in New York, Mr. Heiss?
02:08Well, I happen to be involved in a series of meetings to...
02:18Why?
02:19And.
02:20I.
03:21You got all the details, huh?
03:24Well, he was hot.
03:26And when he gets hot, he starts talking fast.
03:28And half of it's in Spanish.
03:30I mean, that's how come I flunk Spanish in high school.
03:32You got to talk faster.
03:33It's wrong.
03:35Latins are very emotional people.
03:37I flunk Latin, too.
03:38You know what I hate?
03:46Prawns?
03:49I hate people that got no respect for the property and rights of other people.
03:54That's what I hate.
03:54Also, promptness.
03:55Where the hell have you been?
03:57Investigating a burglary.
03:58Where?
04:00My apartment.
04:03You mean you got ripped off?
04:05You believe that?
04:06You know, on my door, it says,
04:08I'm igual, channel, sergeant.
04:10N-Y-P-D.
04:12Not in spite of that.
04:13Los desgraciados abren mi puerta con los cinco candados.
04:15I told you.
04:17Hot and fast.
04:18I hate cheap like me.
04:19What time did it happen?
04:21I don't know.
04:22Last night between 11 p.m. and 6 a.m.
04:25Oh, while you were sleeping?
04:26Yeah.
04:27You didn't hear anything?
04:28I don't sleep in my apartment.
04:32I hope it was worth it.
04:34Oh, yeah.
04:34It's the principle of this thing that bothers me.
04:37All right.
04:37Just try to look at this as an everyday burglary and fill out a report.
04:42Yeah, Barney, that's easy for you to say.
04:43But you know how embarrassing it's going to be for me to put my name down on the victim?
04:48Oh, my God.
04:49Will somebody help me?
04:51Good morning, Mr. Heiss.
04:53How are you feeling today?
04:57Am I in an elevator?
05:01Not in this building.
05:03You're in the 12th Precinct, sir.
05:0612th Precinct.
05:06Where's that?
05:07On 6th Street.
05:09In what city?
05:12New York.
05:12Do you think you can handle a cup of coffee?
05:15I'd very much like to try.
05:17Nick, let him out.
05:18Sure.
05:18We'll make him as comfortable as possible.
05:20Okay, Mr. Heiss.
05:23Mezzanine.
05:27Drinking should be done in the privacy of one's home.
05:31Where it's necessary.
05:32Here you are, Mr. Heiss.
05:36Oh, thanks.
05:37That tastes great.
05:40Would you like some more?
05:41No, thank you.
05:43I don't think I can handle what I've got.
05:44Where's the...
05:45I don't want to hear you.
05:49Marty, where you been?
05:51Where are the sandwiches?
05:53You said 12.15, it's 12.30.
05:56Marty, where you been at 12.30?
05:57I told you I didn't want to hear that.
05:59Who gets a pastrami with mayonnaise?
06:01I just...
06:02Figured.
06:02Who gets a corned beef with ketchup?
06:05Yeah.
06:06You should know better.
06:07Two hard-boiled eggs, cottage cheese, hot water, and half a lemon.
06:12Mine.
06:12I'm sorry to hear that.
06:15Yummy cheese.
06:16Mine.
06:18Turkey, egg salad combo.
06:20That's mine.
06:23River wash.
06:24Also mine.
06:27Animal.
06:28Hey, where's my sashimi and cream cheese on a bagel?
06:31Here, it's called lox.
06:33The hell it is.
06:35We had it before you did.
06:38The table, gentlemen, is $10.87,
06:40not including a generous tip.
06:44Nothing for the man from La Mancha?
06:47No, thanks.
06:48I lost my appetite.
06:50Along with an FM radio, a wristwatch,
06:52and a sterling silver frame
06:54with a picture of my mother on the mantelpiece.
06:56Why would you take a picture of your mother on the mantelpiece?
07:01Not a picture of my mother on the mantelpiece.
07:05A picture of my mother on the mantelpiece.
07:07Understand?
07:09Nothing to eat, right?
07:10Right.
07:12Here, Murray, keep the change if there is any.
07:15Is there any?
07:17It's possible.
07:20Enjoy, gentlemen.
07:21Enjoy.
07:22And may Hot Grand be a stranger to you.
07:25Well, I'm right.
07:28Look what I found.
07:30I am the only policeman in this precinct
07:32who has ever been robbed.
07:33I found it with a dead fly in my sandwich.
07:39Right in the middle of my egg salad.
07:40Oh.
07:46You sure it's a fly?
07:48It's a little piece of olive.
07:49Because when do olives have wings?
07:54When they die and go to heaven.
07:58Tom.
07:59Look, man.
08:00In my neighborhood,
08:01if there's more egg salad than fly,
08:03we don't complain, sir.
08:06Hey, Barney,
08:07isn't this against the sanitation ordinance?
08:08I would imagine so, yes.
08:12Well, and this should be reported, right?
08:14Don't be such a crime fighter.
08:16Besides,
08:17nobody else in the neighborhood delivers.
08:20Hey, guys.
08:21Look, what if it hadn't been a fly, huh?
08:22I mean,
08:23what if it had been a piece of rock
08:24or a piece of metal
08:25or something I bid on?
08:26Well,
08:26Joe's got a point there.
08:28There is a law.
08:30I'm going to call the health department
08:31and have an issue of citation.
08:35It's your prerogative.
08:37Thanks, Barney.
08:41When I see one of my men
08:42so dedicated to duty,
08:44I don't futz around with him.
08:46No, no, no, no.
08:47We don't allow anybody
08:48from outside the neighborhood
08:48inside the neighborhood.
08:49No, no.
08:51Yeah, health department?
08:53Yeah, this is Detective Wojohowicz
08:55from the 12th Precinct.
08:57Yeah, I want to report a violation
08:58of Sanitation Code 1707
09:02by a restaurant in our precinct.
09:04Yeah.
09:05Yeah.
09:06Murray's Delicatessen on Hudson.
09:08It was a foreign object
09:09in my egg salad.
09:11How are you feeling, Mr. Heiss?
09:12Any better?
09:13Please, please,
09:14don't shake me like that.
09:16Nobody touched you.
09:19By God,
09:19you mean that's happening inside me?
09:22I'm afraid so.
09:2612 precinct fish.
09:28Speak English, will you?
09:35Martinez?
09:36Yeah, yeah, I'll tell him.
09:39John, no, someone's
09:39in Martinez's pawn shop
09:41trying to sell you a watch.
09:42You're...
09:42Isn't that disgusting?
09:44Hey, Barney,
09:45look, I'll be back at...
09:46soon, eh?
09:49Would...
09:50Would you get me a cab, please?
09:52I've got to get back to my hotel.
09:55I'm afraid I can't do that, Mr. Heiss,
09:57but you can use the telephone
09:58and call a lawyer to arrange bail.
10:01Bail?
10:01What bail?
10:03You were arrested, Mr. Heiss,
10:05for being drunk.
10:06Disorderly conduct.
10:07Oh.
10:09Still kicking us around.
10:10They were all marked lousy
10:11because one fellow
10:13stubs his toe.
10:16Mr. Heiss,
10:17the alcohol content
10:18in your blood
10:18was above the legal limit.
10:20I wasn't even in Washington
10:22that night.
10:24I don't keep a grudge, Mr. Heiss,
10:26but you were drunk.
10:29All right, all right.
10:30I do occasionally take a drink,
10:32but it is because
10:34I do not like to fly.
10:36I'm not nuts about flying myself.
10:38Where's the telephone?
10:39I don't know that.
10:40We're...
10:41We're all supposed to be perfect, eh?
10:44No one expects a politician
10:45to be perfect, Mr. Heiss.
10:46God knows.
10:50I appreciate the fact
10:51that we're more or less
10:53in the same business.
10:53We both serve the public.
10:55I'm only trying to help you.
10:56Well, I'm not paying
10:57any damn bail.
11:01And you're just gonna have
11:02to stay locked up
11:03until the trial.
11:05How...
11:05How would you like
11:06to find yourself
11:07walking a beat
11:08in an underdeveloped
11:10suburban area?
11:11Hmm?
11:14I'm gonna pretend
11:15you didn't say that.
11:17You want to take on
11:18the federal governor.
11:20You'd like to lock horns
11:21with the United States
11:22of America?
11:24That's...
11:25That's...
11:25That's...
11:25That's...
11:26That's...
11:26That's...
11:27That's...
11:27That's...
11:28That's...
11:28That's...
11:28That's...
11:28That's...
11:29That's...
11:29That's...
11:29That's...
11:30That's...
11:30That's...
11:31That's...
11:31That's...
11:31I want
11:31to talk to Washington, D.C.
11:34person to person
11:35to the Secretary
11:36of the Interior.
11:38This is Edmund J. Heiss.
11:42I happen to be
11:43the chief of the Bureau
11:45of the Federal Regional
11:48Development...
11:49Uh...
11:51The Board of Health
12:00just closed
12:01Grossman's Delicatessen.
12:02It's the way it goes.
12:09Yeah.
12:11It's the way it goes.
12:14Yeah.
12:15Well, Barney...
12:22I'd just like to say
12:24how much I, uh...
12:26admire you
12:27for standing up
12:28to that politician
12:29the way you have.
12:32Some days
12:32his job is tougher
12:33than other days.
12:35Yeah, I guess so.
12:37People gotta learn
12:37they can't play
12:38fast and loose
12:38with the law.
12:41You do what
12:42you have to do.
12:44You take
12:44the consequences
12:45for your actions.
12:48It's like
12:49you and me
12:51against the world.
12:56Those are frightening odds,
12:57would you?
13:06I just made this fresh,
13:07Mr. Heiss.
13:08Oh, thank you.
13:10Thank you very much.
13:12Uh, uh...
13:12Do you think I could
13:13call the Secretary
13:14and tear you again?
13:16You were already
13:16called three times?
13:18Yeah.
13:19Yeah, that's true.
13:20Well,
13:21that's Washington for me.
13:23I know what you mean.
13:26We've been trying
13:27to get an income tax break
13:28for retired police officers
13:31for 26 years.
13:32They haven't called us either.
13:34That doesn't seem fair.
13:37I don't suppose you could
13:40put a word in for us.
13:42I mean, after you get out.
13:46I'll do the best you can.
13:49What did you do to me?
13:50You wanted to kill me?
13:51Why don't you shoot me?
13:52You got plenty of guns.
13:54What's the matter, Murray?
13:55What's the matter?
13:56There's a padlock
13:57on my door
13:58and a sticker
13:59closed by the order
14:00of the board of health.
14:01Death from a sticker.
14:02Oh, I hope you're happy.
14:04Take it easy, Murray.
14:05Oh, sure.
14:06Take it easy.
14:07Walk through my neighborhood
14:08and listen to the yelling.
14:09I'm clean.
14:10Filthy person
14:11to yell at me.
14:12Children used to call me
14:13Uncle Murray.
14:14Now it's Dirty Grossman.
14:15I was only trying
14:16to enforce the law, Murray.
14:18Oh, so it was you,
14:20the Polish Mr. Clean.
14:23All right.
14:24Take it easy.
14:24Take it easy.
14:25Take it easy.
14:25What does the citation say?
14:26It says keep your mouth shut
14:28and do what you're told.
14:29Democracy.
14:30Relax, Murray.
14:31It says clean the, uh,
14:32uh, re-faint, uh,
14:34re-curbish.
14:37Looks like you're gonna
14:37have to remodel, Murray.
14:39Remodel?
14:40What is he?
14:41He's not serious.
14:42Oh, it killed my brother.
14:44Murray, all you do
14:45is put in a few new fixtures
14:46and a little general renovation.
14:47Oh, don't give me
14:48general renovations.
14:49What is it gonna cost me?
14:51Murray, it's not my department.
14:52Take it to the board of health.
14:53I'll give you all the details.
14:54Wonderful.
14:54You throw me to the lions.
14:56Now I gotta go ask
14:56what pots they'd like to eat.
15:00What'd he do?
15:02He sold Wojo,
15:03an egg salad
15:04and dead fly sandwich.
15:07I remember when that came up.
15:10Look, my friend.
15:11Shut your mouth.
15:12Shut your mouth.
15:13I'll give you four songs
15:14that you're gonna remind me.
15:15Get it, Amy.
15:16Amy.
15:17All right.
15:20Now, what's your name?
15:21Ricardo Montalbano.
15:24You got a great sense of humor.
15:27You're gonna have
15:28a lot of fun in prison.
15:29I'm not going to prison.
15:30No?
15:31Where do you think
15:31they sent you for stealing?
15:32Disneyland?
15:33I didn't steal nothing.
15:35All right.
15:36What's your name?
15:38Manolo Reyes.
15:39How old are you?
15:41Twelve.
15:45Where'd you get the watch?
15:46Somebody gave it to me.
15:48Who gave it to you?
15:49The guy who got his name
15:50on the watch.
15:52Who's got his name
15:53on the watch?
15:54Si Amengual.
15:55He gave it to me.
15:57I got a big surprise
15:58for you, kid.
16:00I am Si Amengual.
16:01What do you got
16:01to say to that?
16:03Didn't you give it to me?
16:07My God.
16:08How old is he?
16:09Twelve years old.
16:10Ain't that a shame?
16:13Cops and robbers
16:13used to be a different game.
16:15Yeah.
16:16Somebody wanted to be a cop
16:17once in a while.
16:18Get your stuff back.
16:19You kidding?
16:20He sold it.
16:20They got him with $40
16:21in his pocket.
16:22You imagine that?
16:23For my picture frame
16:24and a brand new stereo?
16:25Me to God.
16:26You may be a good burglar, kid.
16:28You're a lousy businessman.
16:30Captain Miller.
16:31Could I talk to you a minute?
16:33Sure.
16:33Come on, Michael.
16:35Hey, Woodrow.
16:36What do you want to do
16:37about lunch from now on?
16:39Hey.
16:40We do what we have to do
16:41and then we take
16:42the consequences
16:43for our actions.
16:50You sure there hasn't been
16:52a call from the Department
16:53of the Interior?
16:54We wouldn't keep a thing
16:55like that from you,
16:55would we, Mr. Heiss?
16:58No, no, of course not.
17:01Well, it's pretty hard
17:02to keep track of all of us.
17:05You know how many bureaus
17:07there are in Washington?
17:09Over 1,200.
17:10Oh, boy, do they know
17:11how to make bureaus.
17:13Well, they've had
17:14a lot of experience.
17:16You know, I...
17:17I don't blame them
17:19for being upset about me
17:22because, you see,
17:23this isn't the first time
17:25that I've been afraid of flying.
17:29One time in Kansas City,
17:31I was petrified for three days.
17:35You want to try the train?
17:37I'm scared of trains, too.
17:38Maybe your problem
17:40isn't travel, Mr. Heiss.
17:42Yeah.
17:42Yeah.
17:43Well,
17:44you see,
17:47all I've tried to do
17:50is be a little meaningful,
17:52but it's very difficult
17:53when you're the head
17:55of a bureau
17:55that takes five minutes
17:58to say
17:59and 30 seconds
18:01to forget.
18:02Would you like to try
18:03your office again?
18:04Hob,
18:06no, I tried that.
18:08All the extensions
18:10were out of order.
18:11That's the first sign.
18:14Ah, well,
18:15what the hell.
18:17What I really wanted to say was,
18:18could you help me
18:19arrange bail?
18:23Barney,
18:24there's a lawyer outside
18:25that says he represents
18:25the federal government.
18:27Send him in.
18:27Keep your fingers crossed, E.J.
18:30Captain Miller?
18:31Yes.
18:31You're holding a government official
18:33by the name of E.J. Heiss?
18:34Mr. Heiss.
18:35Oh, how do you do,
18:36Mr. Heiss?
18:37I'm an attorney
18:38with French,
18:39Edgeworth, Blair,
18:40Jackson, and Challenger.
18:41How do you do,
18:42Mr. French?
18:42The name is Boley.
18:44Boley?
18:44Wayne.
18:46Now, Captain,
18:46I have a writ here
18:47for the immediate release
18:49of Mr. E.J. Heiss.
18:50And may I say,
18:51Captain Miller,
18:51that I am amazed
18:53that this kind of treatment
18:54could have been accorded
18:55a member of the United States
18:56State Department.
18:58Mr. Heiss isn't
18:58with the State Department.
19:00I beg your pardon?
19:00I'm a bureau chief.
19:03The Bureau of Federal,
19:04Regional Development
19:05and Planning
19:06for Underdeveloped
19:07Suburban Areas,
19:08Parks, Mines,
19:09and India.
19:11I would say,
19:13Captain Miller,
19:13you're going to have
19:14a great deal to explain.
19:17And to whom am I going
19:18to have to explain
19:19this great deal?
19:21To the Secretary
19:22of the Interior,
19:23I would think.
19:24I'm afraid you've used
19:25very poor judgment.
19:27Now, please,
19:28Mr. Boley,
19:28just...
19:29Let me handle this.
19:30Let me handle this.
19:31Let me straighten you out
19:32as to a few facts,
19:33Mr. Boley.
19:34Fine.
19:34I'd like to get the facts.
19:35All right.
19:36The facts are
19:36that this man
19:37was brought into
19:38this police station
19:38completely
19:39and utterly
19:41of the alcohol level
19:45in his blood
19:46above the legal limit.
19:50How much above?
19:50Not much.
19:56Then would it be
19:57inappropriate to say,
19:58Captain Miller,
19:59that you are making
20:00a federal case of this?
20:02You could say that.
20:04But you wouldn't be
20:05the first.
20:07Mr. Heiss,
20:07I think this can all
20:08be settled very simply
20:09and very swiftly.
20:11That is,
20:11unless you wish
20:12to make a point
20:12of the arbitrary arrest.
20:15Arbitrary arrest?
20:16Mr. Boley,
20:17I don't think
20:19we can expect
20:20policemen to be perfect.
20:22God knows.
20:25No.
20:29Thank you very much
20:30for your hospitality.
20:31My pleasure.
20:33I won't be seeing you again.
20:35Going back to Washington?
20:37I think so.
20:40Flying, Mr. Heiss?
20:44Busting, Captain Miller.
20:46I bring you a bulletin.
20:54Grossman's all-new
20:55gourmet delicatessen
20:56will reopen on Monday
20:57bigger and better
20:59than ever.
21:00Yeah, sweet.
21:02Forgive and forget.
21:04Pride and progress
21:05sometimes needs a push.
21:07I'm glad you feel
21:08that way, Mern.
21:09I think you should also
21:10know that all prices
21:11have been raised
21:12a minimum of 83%.
21:14There goes night racing.
21:21So long, Murray.
21:25Here's your stuff.
21:27You mean you had
21:27to buy it all back?
21:29$52.
21:31Well, so the whole caper
21:32cost you $12.
21:33You got off cheap.
21:35I'm on probation
21:35for a year.
21:36No kidding.
21:37I got a report to you.
21:38To me?
21:39So I reported.
21:40Can I go?
21:42Oh, well.
21:44You, uh,
21:46you go to school?
21:47Yeah.
21:48Brush your teeth?
21:49Yeah.
21:50Steal anything today?
21:51Not today.
21:51I don't know.
21:53I want to.
21:55I don't know.
21:55I know.
21:56I like them.
21:57I know.
21:59I know.
21:59I love you.
22:02I need it.
22:03I know.
22:04I don't know.
22:06I know.
22:10I know.
22:11I know.
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