00:01My mother remarried when I was five years old.
00:03I called the quiet man who came to my house "Dad."
00:07but,
00:07I could barely make out those words, even though they were always at the back of my throat.
00:11My father, a plasterer, would leave the house before dawn, when the stars came out.
00:14I've returned from [location].
00:15His work clothes smelled of damp plaster, and his hands were dry.
00:19It was cracked like rubble.
00:21My father hardly ever spoke, and I've never seen him smile.
00:24That silence felt cold to me as a child.
00:28I wonder what that person thinks of me.
00:31When I asked my mother, she looked a little troubled and said, "He's a clumsy person."
00:35I told him to forgive her.
00:37At the time, I didn't understand the meaning of the word "forgive."
00:41When I was in the upper grades of elementary school, I started taking care of my younger sister.
00:45I did.
00:46My parents had a younger sister.
00:48My younger sister had round eyes, just like my father.
00:52My father doted on my sister.
00:54She held the baby on her lap and, with clumsy movements, combed through her hair.
00:58Every time I saw that, a slight pain arose deep in my chest.
01:02I felt that there was an invisible line drawn between my father's kindness and my feelings.
01:06I made that assumption.
01:07My younger sister truly adores me.
01:11He always followed me around, calling me "big brother."
01:14That innocence is so dazzling that I sometimes look away.
01:18Something like that happened.
01:18When I won first place at the elementary school sports day, my father was still in his work clothes.
01:22Well, I was watching from the corner of the schoolyard.
01:25When our eyes met, she awkwardly looked away, and on the way home...
01:28I said, "That was quick!"
01:30I simply replied "Yes" and deliberately walked ahead.
01:34Looking back now, my father, just to see my one and only first-place win,
01:38I managed to get out of the situation.
01:39When my taciturn father said, "That was quick," I felt so much emotion.
01:44What was meant to be said?
01:45At the time, I couldn't even imagine it.
01:48By the time I entered junior high school, my father and I hardly spoke to each other.
01:52It had become like that.
01:53The time I spent at home gradually decreased, and after school I would wander aimlessly around town.
01:56I would stumble around and sneak home late at night for days on end.
02:00My mother just looked at me with a worried expression.
02:04Your father is worried about you too, you know, that person...
02:08I scoffed.
02:10If you're worried about it, why don't you say anything? Why do you only laugh with your sister?
02:14Are you going?
02:15My father and I lived under the same roof, but we just quietly continued to pass each other by.
02:19I was doing it.
02:20I found that indescribable sense of alienation in building plastic models.
02:24I was trying to forget about it by immersing myself in something else.
02:27Time passed, I graduated from high school, and left home.
02:30I first heard about my father's old age from my mother some time after I left home.
02:34It was some time later.
02:35My father apparently grew up in an institution and never knew what a father was.
02:39is.
02:39I may never be able to become that child's father.
02:42But it can serve as a roof.
02:43It will absolutely not let in rain or wind.
02:45My father says he made that vow when he remarried.
02:49Without any pretense, they simply continue to protect us in silence.
02:52That was my father's way of expressing his love, even though he couldn't speak.
02:56My father collapsed two years later.
02:58When I rushed to the hospital room, my father was no longer able to speak.
03:02That was the attitude.
03:03As I held my emaciated father's hand in the hospital room, my sister began to cry.
03:07Then I said.
03:08Dad always used to brag about your older brother, he's got a hand
03:12He's very dexterous; I'm sure he'll do a great job.
03:14Something that had been hardened deep inside my chest quietly melted away.
03:18Dad uttered those words for the first time without ever having used them before.
03:22My father, who had slightly opened his eyes, gently touched my hand.
03:25He squeezed back and then took his last breath.
03:27That night, I cried alone in the hospital corridor, keeping my voice down.
03:31The feeling that I hadn't made it in time came flooding over me like a wave.
03:35I wish I had called him "Dad" sooner.
03:3849 days have passed, and I have sorted through my father's belongings.
03:41Among the belongings left behind was an old candy tin.
03:44Among them was a poorly made plastic model that I thought I had thrown away.
03:47It contained parts and drawings for art class.
03:49And at the bottom of the can was a notebook, and on the last page of that notebook, there was...
03:54I wrote down the words my father couldn't say, over and over again, as if practicing them.
03:58there was.
03:58Is school fun? Don't push yourself too hard. You did well. I've never once...
04:04Those were all words that had never been said to me before.
04:05And it also included this one note:
04:08It doesn't matter if we're not related by blood. You are my real son.
04:13I am now diligently painting walls, holding the gauntlet my father left me.
04:17Every time I smell the scent of plaster, I think of that quiet roof.
04:21I will release it.
04:22If I could go back to that dinner table just one more time, I'd sit next to you and talk about so many things.
04:26I want to do that.
04:27And I want to convey this directly.
04:29Dad, thank you for being our roof.
04:36Thank you for watching.
