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Mad TV (stylized as MADtv) is an American sketch comedy television series created by David Salzman, Fax Bahr, and Adam Small. Loosely based on the humor magazine Mad, Mad TV's pre-taped satirical sketches were primarily parodies of popular culture and occasionally politics. Many of its sketches featured the show's cast members playing recurring original characters and doing celebrity impressions. The series premiered on Fox on October 14, 1995, and ran for 15 seasons. Its final episode aired on May 16, 2009.
Salzman created Mad TV with record producer Quincy Jones after they purchased the rights to Mad in 1995. Salzman brought on Bahr and Small, who had formerly written for the sketch comedy television series In Living Color, as showrunners. The show was intended to compete with fellow sketch comedy series Saturday Night Live (SNL), which was experiencing declining viewership and poor critical reception. Critics noted that Mad TV had a more diverse cast than SNL and dealt with edgier, more lowbrow humor.[citation needed]
Fox made few efforts to promote Mad TV, which typically fell behind SNL in ratings. Throughout its run, the network continually cut the series' budget before eventually canceling it in 2010. It was nominated for numerous awards, including 43 Primetime Emmy Awards, five of which it won. Critical reception of the series was mixed during its run and its sketches attracted notable controversy. Since its cancellation, it has appeared on several critics' lists of the best sketch comedy television series of all time.
A 20th anniversary reunion special aired on The CW on January 12, 2016. The CW also rebooted the series for a 15th and final season, which premiered on July 26, 2016.
Salzman created Mad TV with record producer Quincy Jones after they purchased the rights to Mad in 1995. Salzman brought on Bahr and Small, who had formerly written for the sketch comedy television series In Living Color, as showrunners. The show was intended to compete with fellow sketch comedy series Saturday Night Live (SNL), which was experiencing declining viewership and poor critical reception. Critics noted that Mad TV had a more diverse cast than SNL and dealt with edgier, more lowbrow humor.[citation needed]
Fox made few efforts to promote Mad TV, which typically fell behind SNL in ratings. Throughout its run, the network continually cut the series' budget before eventually canceling it in 2010. It was nominated for numerous awards, including 43 Primetime Emmy Awards, five of which it won. Critical reception of the series was mixed during its run and its sketches attracted notable controversy. Since its cancellation, it has appeared on several critics' lists of the best sketch comedy television series of all time.
A 20th anniversary reunion special aired on The CW on January 12, 2016. The CW also rebooted the series for a 15th and final season, which premiered on July 26, 2016.
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00:16I suppose we could ask Darren to come down and pick the stuff up out of the garage, but he's
00:20still gonna have to come down in the week.
00:23Jack, are you playing with yourself?
00:25Huh? No, no, no. No, I was just...
00:30Thinking about stuff. Definitely not playing with myself.
00:32Because you had the look, that playing-with-yourself look.
00:35Honey, if I was, I'd tell you.
00:37I was just sitting here, thinking about what a great meal that was, and how much I love my family,
00:44and how lucky we all are now that I don't play with myself so much anymore.
00:48So you weren't playing with yourself?
00:50No.
00:52I'm sorry. It's hard. I'm just so used to you playing with yourself.
00:56Well, I wasn't.
00:56Okay.
00:57Hey, kids, did you put the tape in?
00:59Yes.
01:00Now, you press play and not record, right?
01:02Right.
01:02Remember what happened last time.
01:06Hey, Mom, Dad's playing with himself again.
01:09Huh? I was not. Honey, I wasn't.
01:11Jack, honestly!
01:13Honey, I wasn't. I was just thinking. People think.
01:15Come on, Dad. Be a man.
01:17I am!
01:18Jack, I cannot go through this again.
01:20You promised, and I believed you. I stood by you.
01:23I mean, I knew you had a problem, but you were trying to work on it, so I put aside
01:27my own pride.
01:28My own pride, even though all of my friends said that you were a freak, and I should just walk.
01:33Jack!
01:34I was listening. I was just concentrating, honey.
01:37Jack, we're done. Kids, go to the car.
01:39But the movie has started!
01:40Go! Go!
01:41Honey, this is insane. I wasn't.
01:43You are a weak man, Jack. A weak, weak man.
01:47Honey!
01:48Honey, but...
01:51Hello?
01:52Hey, Frank.
01:54Betty just walked out on me.
01:56Yeah.
01:58Yeah, she took the kids.
02:00Yeah.
02:02Yeah.
02:04Yeah.
02:06No! No, I wasn't!
02:08I was listening!
02:09The National Council of Neighbors and Dow Asbestos Squares present Your New Neighbor.
02:19Who's for vanilla cake?
02:21Vanilla cake?
02:23Jeepers!
02:24Can I, Dad?
02:25Can I?
02:26Of course.
02:28Vanilla cake is chock full of nutritionally rich ingredients like butter, sugar, and lard.
02:34And don't forget love.
02:36How could I?
02:42Oh, gee.
02:45Meet the Whiteheads.
02:47A typical American family enjoying a typical Saturday afternoon.
02:52Until...
02:54Why don't you women get the door?
02:56It's your job.
03:04It's the lady from the pancake box.
03:07And she brought the man from the right box.
03:10Oh, my stars.
03:13And...
03:14What box are you two from?
03:16We're not from a box at all.
03:19We're real live Negroes.
03:20And we're your new neighbors.
03:46Let's do it.
03:53Won't you come in?
03:57Here are some friendly facts about your new neighbor.
04:01Most Negroes chose to travel to America on luxury liners.
04:06And after selfishly causing the Civil War,
04:09Negroes straightened up and invented jazz,
04:12baseball,
04:13and illegal dice.
04:16I'd like to make you feel welcome, but I have no liquor in the house.
04:20Oh dear, Mom.
04:23Here's a friendly tip.
04:24It's not fair to make assumptions about Negroes.
04:28They don't only drink liquor,
04:29they may also enjoy wine, beer, and moonshine.
04:35Please excuse my wife.
04:37We've never had a Negro neighbor before.
04:39Ah, no need to worry, friend.
04:41We've never had white neighbors before.
04:43No white neighbors? Are you from the moon?
04:47Golly, Moses!
04:49Your color is beautiful.
04:51Do all Negroes look like you?
04:53Why, no, Betty.
04:54We Negroes come in five different shades.
04:58Caramel.
05:00Licorice.
05:02Boca.
05:04Cinnamon swirl.
05:06And stay away from my daughter, Chartall Black.
05:11Excuse me?
05:12What the hell did you just say?
05:14You heard me, Negro.
05:16Get him, Dad!
05:21Oh, the races.
05:23Shall they never get along?
05:25I'm the announcer in the house,
05:27reminding you, whether you're white or Negro,
05:30keep your family warm.
05:32Insulate your house with Dow as best as squares.
05:36And keep your baby dry with new, space-age,
05:39super-absorbent, Dow asbestos dye-uppers.
05:44Good night, and good neighbors.
05:47Good night, and good night.
05:59$13?
06:03What is so funny?
06:05Oh, nothing.
06:05I am terrified of flying,
06:07and I tend to laugh when I am nervous.
06:09You know what I mean?
06:16i take it flying doesn't scare you no no i actually uh think that it's the safest way
06:20to travel for example you're much more likely to die in a car so i guess so except that in
06:26a car
06:26you can't get sucked out and fall 35 000 feet to your death you know what i mean it could
06:31happen
06:32and we are not gonna survive you know what i mean oh no yeah well you know maybe you should
06:40just put
06:40that out of your head yeah i'd like to but it's very it's very hard you know all right it's
06:45very
06:45difficult to get that thought out you know excuse me that's true lead sure
06:55oh no what what what well i was just noticing that directly outside this window is a jet engine
07:06burning at 2 500 degrees kelvin directly underneath us are hundreds and hundreds of gallons of gasoline
07:13and we're both wearing cotton okay
07:18all right could you could you stop talking like that just stop talking it's like being a human
07:24wick yeah there you go yeah just stop talking like that i would appreciate i'm sorry i'm sorry okay i'm
07:32sorry i'm i'm just terrified you know i you know but if i do burn i want to burn all
07:40the way i do not
07:41want to survive i do not want to be a crispy critter at the mall
07:49what are you what are you looking for i'm looking for another seat oh
07:59okay all right okay what what is it what is it now what is it now i was just noticing
08:03that we're in
08:03the back row which means that in the event of a water landing we are going to be the last
08:08ones to
08:08drown have you ever seen a drowned body it's all blue and bloated yeah i don't want i don't want
08:14anyone to see me like that no i don't want that at all you know what you know what fortunately
08:20that
08:20won't be happening to anybody today because we're flying over the mountains all right okay good yeah
08:26i'm just gonna read oh no and i have to survive by eating your dead frozen body
08:34i bet if you're not dead i'm just gonna have to wait till you're tired or something and sneak up
08:39behind you
08:41don't do that okay hey save us me and my friend are down here in the snow my friend mr
08:46mctasty
08:49you will literally be brain food
08:52get out of me all right stop it creepy man stop it
09:01great i'm sorry everybody i'm sorry making all this no oh my god fine okay
09:07i'm sorry this guy's i thought i killed you
09:12i thought i did for a minute on the seat down side we should be through the roughness in just
09:17a few
09:18moments but then again you never know do you oh my god she's right
09:24you don't know oh my god
09:27yeah
09:37steward time to wake up surprise
09:42oh my god dina hey there wild cat wow what a night yeah well i guess this means we're lesbians
09:53huh
09:55that was great wasn't it i feel so free now i feel so uh hungover you want a cigarette no
10:04thanks
10:04lover oh dina ouch well everything looks the same why wouldn't it look the same i don't know i just
10:13thought that now that i'm a lesbian things might look different you know listen dina i'm not sure
10:18we're full-fledged lesbians now you know i think we're just out having a couple drinks and we danced
10:24with sweet sappho all night long without having to worry about birth control oh i'm gonna get one of
10:31those cute spiky haircuts or do you want to be the butch oh no no it took me three years
10:35to grow this
10:35out you're right you make a better femme yeah hey you can be my little lipstick lesbian huh
10:42we're sisters hey come on we're hipper than hip yeah let's cuddle woman to woman no no um actually i
10:49don't want to i you know dina i think i was really drunk last night and i think it was
10:53kind of like a
10:54a one-time thing um i like penises they make me smile
11:03well we can always get a male dog oh well that wasn't necessary hey let's call your parents no
11:10you're right let's surprise them and march in a parade no dina i'm pretty sure that i'm i'm a
11:17straight woman you're talking like a breeder now i am a breeder i think so does this mean i don't
11:24have the softest skin you've ever felt oh no no you do of course i've always said that about you
11:30it's
11:30just that i think i like rough skin you know katie you can't hide behind this denial i mean lesbianism
11:39you and me will get a cottage grow vegetables make pottery and wear granny's okay shut up i am not
11:45gay
11:47don't tell me what we did last night wasn't gay it wasn't okay maybe the the the thing with the
11:54the thing and the leg and the that was pretty gay but um i love my boyfriend stuart yeah ah
12:04i'm
12:05gonna settle this right now what are you doing dina what are you doing hi stuart this is dina no
12:13katie's a lesbian she doesn't need your polar depression anymore we're queer we're here get used to
12:19it stuart stuart i'm sorry i just ah what no you can't come over and watch
12:32dina dina i'm sorry just things got a little crazy last night but
12:36i don't have those kinds of feelings about you i mean i i think we should just be friends okay
12:45okay
12:48so what do you want to do now
12:51i taped ellen last night i'll get the batteries
13:05hey there's margaret hey margaret oh hi felicia oh good someone i know i'm dying to show off my new
13:13baby that must be the new baby she adopted from korea well who is this this is our beautiful baby
13:21boy
13:24oh congratulations he's adorable you are so sweet what's his name
13:32levi we wanted something all american but with an asian ring
13:42how old is he we don't know
13:46he was abandoned he was being raised by goats but the adoption agent thinks he's about a year old
14:00he's gonna be a talker oh alan must be so proud oh alan is beaming
14:17hey you must be hungry here's your bottle here's your bottle
14:26oh
14:27no throw levi no throw
14:31hi guys hi alice hi alice
14:35oh
14:35oh
14:49look he's standing oh come on come to mama come to mama
15:07and now in the spirit of dawson's creek felicity party of five beverly hills 90210 safe harbor
15:16buffy the vampire slayer angel roswell popular jack and jill freaks and geeks and wasteland comes another
15:24totally original new wb night time teen drama that's already the number one show in the country
15:30and it hasn't even aired yet i found a whole bunch of these razor blades you should really throw these
15:37out someone might think you're a cutter yeah right hey you're tad the new guy aren't you hey i better
15:49not
15:49catch you i catch you looking at my girlfriend que pasa don't you mean comprende
15:54i i i i i i i i i can't kiss you dad i can't i can't
16:04it's pretty pretty pretty white kids with problems they're pretty and they've got problems too
16:13they're a much prettier
16:15are much prettier than you
16:18because it's hard
16:20because it's hard
16:41Oh, hey, Mr. Zippin.
16:43Is this week's test going to be multiple choice?
16:46Well, actually, it's going to be...
16:47Stay away from my girl!
16:56I'm Nolan, the rich kid with the Porsche.
16:58You know, the one who's divorced parents,
17:00give them expensive gifts instead of the hugs
17:02that he so desperately craves.
17:05I'm Tad. I'm the new kid.
17:07It's good to have a friend.
17:09It's 15 can be a difficult age.
17:11And that's how old I am.
17:1315.
17:17Me too.
17:20Hey, Destiny.
17:22What are you doing with that razor blade?
17:24Cutting my split ends.
17:28What do you want, Chase?
17:30Are you seeing Tad behind my back?
17:33No, you're the only one. You know that.
17:36Yeah, well, then who's that?
17:42No, it's not.
17:44No, it's you.
17:45Is not.
17:46It's you.
17:46No, it's not.
17:47No, it's you.
17:48No, that's not me.
17:48I swear it's you.
17:50No, it isn't.
17:50I swear it's you.
17:50Okay, well, then it's a really bad picture of me.
17:54Remind me to get you a new one.
17:55Okay.
18:01Who are you looking at?
18:07Good work, it's all.
18:14Hey, Chase.
18:16Chase, look what I found in Destiny's locker.
18:19Oh, yeah, I saw this.
18:21That's a real bad picture of me.
18:22No, it's not you, Chase.
18:24That's Tad.
18:26What, do you think I'm stupid?
18:28Don't you think I know what I look like?
18:30No.
18:31Look, look at the mirror.
18:39Hey, that's not me.
18:42Ah, see, when Destiny's not busy cutting herself,
18:45she's making eyes at Tad.
18:48Ah!
18:53Ah!
18:55Ah!
18:56Ah!
18:57Ah!
18:57Ah!
18:58Ah!
18:58Ah!
18:59Ah!
19:00Ah!
19:00Ah!
19:00Ah!
19:01Ah!
19:05Ah!
19:06Ah!
19:07Ah!
19:13Stay away from her or your dad.
19:17Or your dead.
19:20Well, there are a lot of misspellings.
19:22Yeah, well, misspell this, B-hole.
19:26I think you mean a-hole.
19:30A nice backpack.
19:36Pretty white kids with problems.
19:38If you don't like it, you're probably not a pretty white kid.
19:44Good morning, everybody.
19:46Good morning, everybody.
19:46If we could all find our seats.
19:47We've got a lot to cover this morning.
19:48Um, everybody, can I have your attention, please?
19:50I just want to let you know that just because I walked in with Dean this morning doesn't mean
19:55there's anything going on.
19:56I mean, we certainly didn't sleep together last night, if that's what you're thinking.
19:59Um, Judy?
20:00Oh, and, uh, the reason Dean gave me a ride into work this morning is because my car blew
20:05up.
20:05But, uh, it's in the shop, and it'll be fixed tomorrow.
20:08Judy!
20:09Oh, and the reason I'm wearing the same clothes that I wore yesterday is because I, my clothes
20:16all burned in a fire.
20:18Maybe they don't suspect a thing.
20:20Um, excuse me, I don't think so.
20:27Okay, if we're all settled in, uh, I wanted to talk to you all this morning about the new
20:33policy for processing consumer complaints, which I'm sure thrills you all.
20:42Is he adorable?
20:45I assume you're somewhat familiar with it from the mem-mos that we...
20:51Do you have a question, Judy?
20:53Oh, no, honey.
20:54I mean, Mr. Honey.
20:54I mean, Dean.
20:55Dean!
20:56Dean.
20:59All right.
21:00Okay.
21:01These are the forms that I'd like you to use to...
21:04Oh!
21:06Oh!
21:13Aftershocks from the, uh, earthquake last night.
21:17Well, I guess I won't be keeping this on for very long.
21:21You are so bad.
21:22She is so bad.
21:27Attention, everyone.
21:29Attention.
21:32I think that now is a good time to say a few words on behalf of the bride-to-be,
21:39my little
21:40sister, Emmy.
21:43You know, a lot of people have come up to me and said, Emmy's three years younger than
21:49you.
21:49Does it bother you that she's getting married first?
21:52Well, of course not!
21:56But honestly, I couldn't be more surprised myself.
22:00I mean, who would have thought that Emmy would beat me to the altar?
22:05For God's sakes, as a child, she used to eat her own feces.
22:10I'm kidding!
22:11I'm kidding!
22:12I'm kidding!
22:13I'm kidding!
22:13Well, I'm not, but who cares?
22:16Oh, look at her now.
22:18Didn't she just turn out adorable?
22:22And she's going to be marrying a great guy who I actually met first.
22:28And when I brought him home, he met Emmy, and it was love at first sight.
22:34And I'm sure it was no coincidence that she was dressed in a negliche, and dropped a fork
22:39and had to bend over to pick it up.
22:42I mean, how many times do people drop their forks, huh?
22:46You tell me, Emmy, huh?
22:47Tell me!
22:48Tell me!
22:49I mean, what were you doing carrying a fork around, huh?
22:52You were an accident!
22:54Oh, kidding!
22:55Kidding!
22:57Oh, I love to get around.
23:00Not a lot of people know that about me.
23:03Oh, but this isn't about me.
23:06This is about Emmy.
23:08This is her special day.
23:10And I couldn't be happier for her.
23:13Oh, Cammy, you made it.
23:15Everybody, this is my best friend, Cammy!
23:19Hi!
23:20You are not going to believe what just happened to me.
23:24William asked me to marry him!
23:35Do you mean William the doctor?
23:41William the doctor?
23:44No wonder he stopped calling me.
23:52It's joy, it's joy!
23:54I can't stop the joy!
23:58Oh, Carrie, I'm so happy for you.
24:04Thank God I don't need a man to make me happy.
24:07Because I love myself.
24:09Hear, hear.
24:10I don't need a man.
24:12I don't have a man.
24:14And I have my sister Emmy to thank for that.
24:18So, ladies, let's raise our glasses high in a toast to my sister Emmy.
24:25And remember, on your wedding night, I taught him that thing that he does with his tongue.
24:30Jenny, I'm kidding!
24:36Oh, and I have a gift for you, Emmy.
24:40Here, open the box.
24:44Oh, my God!
24:46It's a box of forks.
24:53No knives or spoons.
24:55What's the matter?
24:56Suddenly you don't like forks?
24:57No, I do.
24:58I do.
24:59I love, I love, this is great.
25:00Thank you, Sims.
25:01Yay!
25:06Ladies, sir.
25:08Waiter, you.
25:09I dropped my fork.
25:13Oh, thank you very much.
25:15Oh, wait, that was my fork!
25:17Waiter, me!
25:18The tall one!
25:20Waiter!
25:24Hey, Alex, you're not even dressed.
25:26Aren't you going to the big Mad TV holiday party?
25:29I don't think so.
25:31I don't have anything to wear.
25:32What about your leather pants?
25:33More than last year.
25:35Besides, they're so tight I can hardly breathe.
25:37Hmm.
25:38Well, hey, I must have something you can borrow.
25:40Ooh.
25:41Oh.
25:42What about this?
25:43This would look adorable on you.
25:44Don't you?
25:47Okay.
25:48Yeah, that's good.
25:49Just look at it, okay?
25:52Okay.
25:54Leather pants and mini skirts, they're just not me.
25:58I think I was born in the wrong era.
26:01I wish I was born in another era.
26:03I'd go to that party and show them all up.
26:06Back in the 40s, full-figured women were not only accepted, they were desired.
26:09If only I could go back, go back, go back, go back, go back.
26:27Wow.
26:28I made it.
26:30You sure did, beautiful.
26:31May I take your wrap?
26:32Why, certainly.
26:37Whoa.
26:38Nelly.
26:39Look at the size of that trailer.
26:42That's what I call a double Y.
26:45Right this way.
26:46Okay.
26:48Please have a seat.
26:50Or two.
27:01Hey, doll face.
27:03You got a light?
27:05Why, sure.
27:07Sure are pretty.
27:08Oh.
27:09Well, that sure is sweet of you to say.
27:12Yikes.
27:13Pretty fat, that is.
27:14Is that the waistline or the equator?
27:18Thanks, fatty cakes.
27:23Scotch, make it a double.
27:24Sure.
27:25Say, can't you read the sign?
27:27It says no fats allowed.
27:30Don't fade the glubber back.
27:31Get that fat tannies off of that stool and hit the wall.
27:36Who let the heifer in?
27:38She's as big as a house with an addition.
27:41So long, chubby.
27:44She's so fat, her middle name is probably fat.
27:53I was wrong.
27:55Please take me back to 2000.
27:57At least I was cute then.
27:59Please take me back.
28:00Please take me back.
28:02Please take me back.
28:06Alex, let Alex wake up.
28:10Oh.
28:11Wow, you're just having a bad dream is all.
28:14Oh.
28:15Now, come on, get dressed and come with me to that party.
28:18You know what?
28:19I think I will.
28:20Hey, great.
28:21Do you know where my leather pants are?
28:23Maybe I can see those.
28:24Oh.
28:26Wow, what is that?
28:28A lesson well learned.
28:30Oh, my God.
28:31Oh, my God.
28:32Oh, my God.
28:33Oh, my God.
28:33Oh, my God.
28:34It's not that funny.
28:35Come along.
28:38Are we ever going to have those little mini hot dogs?
28:41What can I say about my dear friend, Jimmy Burke?
28:44Except for to say that I will miss him and I will cherish all the great times that we spent
28:47together.
28:48You know, Jimmy loved to fish and I always look forward to going up to Lake Winnipesaukee and fishing for
28:53those elusive trout.
28:54Sometimes the only fish we caught were the ones in the supermarket, but we always managed to have a great
28:59time.
28:59And Jimmy loved a great time.
29:02And now, well, no one really knows what happened or how this tragedy took place.
29:07All we do know is that it happened much too soon.
29:10You know, as I look around the room, I can tell that everyone here, out of exception, loved Jimmy Burke.
29:15He surrounded himself with his friends and he would be so pleased to see all of you right here, right
29:19now.
29:20And I know that if he could, he would tell you not to mourn the loss of Jimmy Burke,
29:24but rather to look around and see how many people loved him and to find the joy in that.
29:29Yes, we all knew and loved Jimmy in our own way.
29:31We may never have the answers of what happened and why he made his untimely end,
29:36but we know that he is in a better place and that in a way he will always be with
29:39us.
29:40I know that I'll never forget him, how he loved to laugh,
29:44the priceless expression he would have on his face as he told his many stories.
29:49Those are the things that I will remember about Jimmy.
29:51And those are the things I hope all of you will take with you as you leave here today.
29:55Yes, a terrible act took place and we may never have the answers.
29:59But we can find peace on the block, but he is finally at worst.
30:05Thanks a lot for coming out today.
30:08I know Jimmy appreciates it.
30:11We'll miss you, Jimmy.
30:13We'll miss you a lot.
30:14Oh, thank you.
30:16Oh, ladies, did you hear that Marjorie Wallace got her purse snatched at the mall the other day?
30:21I did, and it happened in broad daylight.
30:23It's getting to where I'm afraid to go anywhere alone.
30:26No, you don't have to be afraid.
30:29There are ways that we can empower ourselves.
30:31I just took the most amazing self-defense class at the Women's Annex.
30:36It was so liberating.
30:38You're kidding.
30:39No.
30:40Our instructor, Jill, she is just this tiny little woman.
30:44I think she might be a lesbian.
30:46Uh-huh.
30:47And she says that pound for pound women are the strongest creatures on the face of this earth.
30:53We just haven't learned how to claim our power.
30:55I believe that.
30:56I believe it, too.
30:57Oh, I know it to be true.
30:59Mom, do we have any ice cream or meat?
31:03Hey, Ms. Ramshaw.
31:05Hey, Ms. Weaver.
31:06Hi, Thomas.
31:07Thomas, honey, I'm so glad you're here.
31:08Come here.
31:09I want to show the ladies some of the techniques I learned in my self-defense class.
31:14Let's just move this table.
31:16Here.
31:17Here, you need some help there.
31:18There we go.
31:20All right.
31:21Honey, you be a thief.
31:23I want you to try to snatch my purse out of my hand, okay?
31:26Okay.
31:26I'm going to do a move called the flutter.
31:29I'm going to block his hand and thrust my palm into his face, bringing the attack to a halt.
31:34Okay.
31:35Now, don't worry, honey, because I'm going to stop short.
31:37I won't hurt you, okay?
31:39All right.
31:40But really, go for my purse, all right?
31:42Okay.
31:43I'm in the mall parking lot.
31:46And I'm...
31:51You got it.
31:52Are you all right?
31:52That was good.
31:53Yeah.
31:54That was good.
31:55That was good.
31:55That was very good.
31:56Jill says, no purse is ever worth the price of your life.
32:01So you just let them have it like I did.
32:04Absolutely.
32:05Makes an awful lot of sense.
32:05But if an attacker is coming after you, here's what you do.
32:10Now, Jill calls this one, two, flee.
32:14All right?
32:15Now, you come at me, Thomas.
32:16Really try to hurt me, okay?
32:17Okay.
32:18And I'm going to go one, two, flee.
32:23And you're going to stumble, honey, so be ready to catch yourself, all right?
32:26Okay.
32:27Okay.
32:28I'm walking down a dark alley.
32:30You jump out from behind the jumpster, and one, two, three.
32:37Mom, are you all right?
32:38I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
32:40No, honey, you're not doing anything wrong.
32:42I think I'm just holding back, because I don't want to hurt my baby.
32:46Are you sure?
32:47Because it feels like I'm kind of kicking your ass.
32:51Well, Thomas, I wouldn't worry about hurting your mother.
32:54Women have a very high threshold for pain.
32:57Yes, they do.
32:57And don't forget, your mother had seven children in three years.
33:05You know what the problem is?
33:06This isn't an authentic scene, okay?
33:09If you were really being attacked on a street, your attacker would have a running start.
33:13So, honey, back up a little bit.
33:15Really get a running start.
33:16Plow into me, okay?
33:18Like in one of your football games.
33:20Mom, remember, I've killed four people this season long.
33:24I mean, I killed... they're dead.
33:27I know, honey.
33:28I was right there cheering you on.
33:33They didn't have self-defense techniques, and I'm telling you, these are lethal weapons.
33:37Jill said that I should have registered my hands with the Board of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.
33:43Jill likes me.
33:47Sweetie, now you...
33:49Be careful, because I'm going to hunker down and I'm going to flip you.
33:52So watch the coffee table, all right?
33:55Okay, here I am.
33:57I'm in the ghetto.
33:59I don't know why.
34:01I'm looking for fabric.
34:03There are crack cores everywhere.
34:06But that's okay.
34:07I'm the only whitey in town.
34:09I got Jill in my mind.
34:12She knows where I'm at.
34:13I'm strong and I'm powerful.
34:15Hey, ghetto slumlord.
34:19No, no, no, no, no.
34:21It's not funny, one, two, three.
34:26Mom, are you okay?
34:29What happened to your face?
34:31Sweetie, you might want to think about getting your money back from this little lesbian joke.
34:36No, no, no, no, no, no.
34:39See, there's one other move that I want to show you, and this is surefire.
34:45No, Mom.
34:45Yes, honey.
34:47Now, honey, I want you to try to steal my purse from me.
34:50No, I don't want to.
34:51And try and punch me in the head.
34:52No, Mom.
34:53Okay?
34:54All right, take it.
34:55Take my purse.
34:56Come on, Mom.
34:57Oh, no.
34:57It's a gun.
34:58Look out.
34:59Oh, you look crazy.
35:00Come on, big man.
35:01Did you see that?
35:02Did you see how that works?
35:03Yes, absolutely.
35:04Can I try that?
35:05It's so empowering.
35:07Is this the Smith & Wesson?
35:07Move the Ladysmith & Wesson.
35:09I get one underline.
35:16Oh, daddy, daddy.
35:19Teach me, teach me.
35:21I'm just a little girl.
35:25With loving on her mind.
35:29Tell me how to hold it.
35:31Wowie, white, brown, baby.
35:34It's so cold and now we're flowing.
35:38Whoops!
35:38Explosion!
35:39Your older hand is thrilling me.
35:43Yeah, yeah.
35:44Too bad our love's a felony.
35:48A felony.
35:49You're big like daddy.
35:51All open wide.
35:53Put it inside.
35:55Yeah, yeah.
35:57Yeah, yeah.
35:57Yeah, yeah.
35:58Yeah, yeah.
36:04I'm just 16, but I just can't wait.
36:08I just can't wait.
36:10My mom's real cool.
36:12Promise.
36:13You won't do time.
36:17Let my baby back behind.
36:21Thank you, Cho.
36:22Our North Korean government is releasing to the media footage of our nuclear test, as well
36:27as footage of our scientists at work.
36:29They will use these clips on American news, and we will drive fear into the hearts of the
36:34world, showing we are capable of very much.
36:36So, just be at work, at the controls, and action.
36:54No, no, no, Cho.
36:56No, pretend the camera isn't here, okay?
36:58Just act natural.
37:01Cho, do not look at the camera, okay?
37:03Just, just, just push the buttons.
37:10What are you doing, Cho?
37:12Cho, you are a scientist.
37:14This is what you do.
37:15You never push the buttons like that.
37:18Sometimes I do.
37:20No, you don't.
37:20I see you at work.
37:21I'll be tired.
37:22Just, okay, forget the buttons.
37:25All right, just walk out of the room, and enter like you are at work.
37:31Hello!
37:32No, no, no, cut.
37:35When do you ever say hello when you enter your own empty lab?
37:40Sometimes I do.
37:42No, you do not.
37:43Now, do it again, and do not say anything.
37:51No!
37:52Cho, this is not a funny sitcom entrance.
37:55Cho, we are releasing this to show how advanced and powerful we are.
38:01Okay, now, you quietly consult with Han about work, okay?
38:07And action.
38:09I am a scientist!
38:12You are a scientist!
38:15Science!
38:16No, no!
38:17Together!
38:17No, no, no!
38:18That is not how you talk to Han.
38:22Sometimes I do.
38:23Okay, you know what?
38:24Cho, just get out of the shot.
38:26And action.
38:29I'm checking on the flungers!
38:31Cho!
38:31Let me see!
38:32No, Cho!
38:33Whitney!
38:34Okay, Cho, stop!
38:35Stop!
38:35Action!
38:42Cut!
38:44Cut!
39:05The defendant threw grass and leaves onto her property because she was too lazy to bag it herself.
39:10She's suing for $10,000.
39:13Now entering the courtroom is the defendant, Eleanor Sorg.
39:16She claims she raked the leaves into a pile and the wind blew them into the plaintiff's yard.
39:20This is the case of Lovesham and piles of leaves.
39:23All rise!
39:25The Honorable Judge Marilyn Million presiding.
39:29Please be seated.
39:30You've been sworn in and I've read your complaints.
39:33Ms. Criddle, you claim that the defendant purposely left leaves on your lawn.
39:38Uh, yes, Your Honor, but she, uh...
39:42Hold on.
39:43Ms. Sorg, did you do this?
39:45It happened one time, Your Honor.
39:47I raked the leaves into a pile and the wind blew them into her yard.
39:51So I went over there, I raked the leaves, and I apologized.
39:56But that wasn't good enough for her.
39:58So she called social services and lied about me abusing my children.
40:06And they came and took them away.
40:09Wait, what?
40:13Ms. Criddle, is this true?
40:14Did you call social services and lie about her abusing her children?
40:18Yes, I did, Your Honor, but she...
40:23She threw grass in my yard.
40:25No, no, no, hold on, hold on, all right?
40:28You admit you lied to social services.
40:31Yes, Your Honor, but those leaves went all over.
40:35You know what, you know what?
40:37I want you to forget about the leaves, all right?
40:39Her children were taken from her.
40:41Yes, I know that, but there were a lot of leaves.
40:46You know what, Ms. Criddle, you are a horrible person.
40:50Do you understand that?
40:51Yes, I do, Your Honor.
40:54But I have allergies, and those leaves came in like...
40:58No, you are...
41:00You're the spindle.
41:02You are the spindle.
41:03I don't think I've ever had a person in this courtroom who is as horrible as you.
41:08Do you understand that?
41:09Yes, I do, Your Honor.
41:12Did those leaves kill my grass?
41:15No, no, no, no, no, stop.
41:17Stop.
41:17Now, here's what I want you to say.
41:20Now, hey...
41:20Okay, but she called my house...
41:21No, no, no, no, don't you...
41:22Hey, don't interrupt...
41:23Don't interrupt me!
41:28I want you to say these words.
41:30Repeat after me.
41:32I...
41:33I...
41:33Okay, but was she...
41:34Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
41:36No, no, no, no, no.
41:37Repeat after me.
41:40I...
41:40I...
41:41am...
41:41I...
41:42am...
41:42But, Your Honor, she...
41:44No!
41:45They only say what I'm saying.
41:47Do you...
41:47Do you understand that?
41:49Yes, I do, but her boy told me...
41:51Miss Crittle!
41:52Miss...
41:52Miss Crittle, I want you to say,
41:55I am an evil person.
41:56Say it right now.
41:57I am an evil person.
42:00But she and her husband...
42:04I'm throwing your case out,
42:06and I am giving the defendant $10,000.
42:07Okay, Your Honor, but, um,
42:09them leaves...
42:10I'm sorry, Miss Sork,
42:11there's nothing more I can do.
42:12I can't give you any more.
42:14But I'm telling you,
42:15them leaves blew on my lawn like this.
42:16That's my final decision.
42:19The judge came down on you
42:20pretty hard in there.
42:22The judge said you were
42:23an evil person.
42:24Do you think you're an evil person?
42:26Yes, I do.
42:28But they laid them...
42:28I laid it through them leaves
42:30on my lawn like this.
42:31All right, well,
42:31we have some documents
42:32for you to sign down the hall.
42:34Okay, but when the wind blew down.
42:36And so,
42:37the judge ruled
42:38in favor of the defendant,
42:39even going so far
42:40as awarding her $10,000.
42:42Do you think that's fair, sir?
42:43Yes, I do.
42:44But when them leaves
42:45came up on her lawn like that,
42:47that was the...
42:47Yeah, but you do realize
42:49that she maliciously
42:50called social services
42:51and had that woman's children
42:52taken away from her.
42:53Yes, I do.
42:54But then them leaves
42:54that come up there
42:55on her lawn...
42:56Somebody get me a shotgun
42:57so I can blow my head off
42:58on syndicated television.
42:59This has been
43:00the people's court.
43:00Yes, it has,
43:02but that still don't mean
43:02if it leaves one up
43:04because them leaves
43:04is on your lawn, man.
43:06Yeah, I understand that.
43:06Well, when that lady
43:07threw them leaves
43:07over that fence like that...
43:08No, but what I'm saying
43:09to you, though,
43:09is that them leaves
43:10came up on your lawn.
43:12Do you want a beer?
43:13No, I'm cool, thanks.
43:14I got to meet Susan out later.
43:15We're going to dinner
43:15with her parents.
43:17Ooh, dinner with the parents.
43:18I did that last week
43:19with Kelly.
43:20Good luck, dude.
43:20Yeah.
43:21Check it out.
43:23He breaks a tackle...
43:25Go, go, go.
43:25He's got some room...
43:26Keep going, keep going,
43:28come on, come on!
43:29Doctor!
43:45Hey, well...
43:46What was that?
43:47What just happened?
43:48The buck scored.
43:49No.
43:50The other part.
43:52You mean the part
43:52about my tongue in your mouth?
43:53Yeah.
43:54Yeah, that part.
43:57It was nothing.
43:59Right, I...
44:00It was just a thing.
44:01Yeah.
44:02It's a football thing.
44:03Yeah.
44:03It happens all the time.
44:04You think so?
44:05No way.
44:05Yeah, no way.
44:09So, uh...
44:10Are we gay?
44:11No.
44:13No.
44:14I don't know.
44:16Were you excited?
44:17No.
44:20Yes.
44:21Yes.
44:23A little bit.
44:25I was a little bit excited.
44:27Oh, does that make me gay?
44:28Well, no.
44:30Yeah.
44:31A little...
44:32A little bit.
44:33A little bit gay.
44:36So, we're a little bit gay?
44:37Yeah.
44:38Well, no.
44:39No.
44:40We're just...
44:40We're two guys.
44:41We got excited and made out.
44:48That still sounds a little gay to me, man.
44:52Yeah.
44:53Look at this.
44:53Bumble's the kid my minute.
44:55No!
44:57Special teams!
44:58They got it.
44:58Come on!
44:59They got it.
44:59They got it.
45:00Yeah.
45:01Yeah.
45:15What the hell?
45:17What the hell is going on?
45:23I think we're gay.
45:25You think so?
45:27Big time.
45:28So, what do we do?
45:32I don't know. I'm new. I'm a new gay.
45:38Should we go to a gay bar?
45:42I don't know. Can you go when you're new?
45:46Should we light some scented candles?
45:50Right, right.
45:52No. No, they're not candles.
45:54Man, we're not gay.
45:57Look, cheerleaders, that's what we're all about, man.
45:59Short shorts and bouncing hooters.
46:01We are not gay.
46:02Come on, cheerleaders.
46:04Shake that. Shake that.
46:05Yeah.
46:07Come on, man.
46:08Shake it.
46:09Shake it.
46:09I'm so gay.
46:12I'm so gay.
46:15I'm so gay.
46:18I'm gay. I'm gay.
46:19I'm gay.
46:20You're really gay.
46:21Hey, whoa, whoa, stop.
46:22Wait, wait, wait.
46:23Man.
46:25Look, I don't know what's going on here, okay?
46:28But just because a couple guys kiss and dance a little and grope each other and one of them
46:35whispers to the other, I know you're a man, but I'm going to treat you like a lady.
46:38That doesn't make him gay.
46:41Look, I've got to get over to Susan's.
46:43You're not going to be weird about this, are you?
46:45No.
46:46Are you?
46:46No.
46:47All right.
46:49He breaks your tango and he's in on the open field.
46:52Go on.
46:52Go.
46:53Go.
46:53Yeah.
46:54Yeah.
46:55Yeah.
46:56Yeah.
47:10I've got to get you.
47:11I've got to go.
47:12Go.
47:15Sweetheart, it's all set up.
47:17This is so exciting.
47:18I never even knew we had these.
47:20Me neither.
47:21Yeah, Dad, why haven't we seen these before?
47:23Well, um.
47:24Well, it's my fault you kids haven't seen them.
47:27I hid them from you all your lives.
47:29But this week, when I almost died of cancer.
47:33Why are you talking about them?
47:34It's okay.
47:35It's okay.
47:35I'm fine.
47:36It was a false alarm.
47:37It was a pimple.
47:40I realize then I'm depriving my children of their God-given right to resent me while I'm still alive.
47:47What?
47:47What?
47:48You have been a wonderful mother.
47:50Stop, please.
47:50Wonderful parents.
47:51Great parents.
47:52Great parents.
47:52Please, please, please.
47:53Just wait.
47:54Wait, wait.
47:54Please.
47:55Till after the film.
47:56Douglas, roll it.
47:57All right.
47:59And action.
48:01Look, there's your mom.
48:03Oh, isn't she gorgeous?
48:05Mom, you look amazing.
48:06Oh, my God.
48:08Oh, my God.
48:09Are you drinking?
48:10Oh, my God.
48:12She is.
48:12It's hilarious.
48:14I've never seen you drink, Mom.
48:15She's drunk.
48:16She's drunk.
48:17She's drinking.
48:18Wait.
48:18Oh.
48:19Oh.
48:21We didn't know.
48:22Back then, we didn't know that was bad.
48:26Uh-oh.
48:28Oh, my God.
48:31Mom, you're smoking.
48:33I know.
48:34I know.
48:34I know.
48:35Did you smoke when you were pregnant with me?
48:37It was sexy, and there was nothing on the package that said don't.
48:43We didn't know.
48:45I always thought your mom looked like Kate Hepburn when she smoked.
48:50Hey, it's me.
48:52Oh, look how cute you are.
48:54You're so funny.
48:55Look at you, Dad.
48:56There you go.
48:58It's a light.
48:59Oh.
49:00Oh.
49:00Oh, you know, that reminds me.
49:02I have an AA meeting tonight.
49:05I'm sorry, honey.
49:06We thought it was cute.
49:07We didn't know.
49:10This is hard to watch.
49:14Look, look, there I am.
49:16Oh, I know.
49:17Oh, cute.
49:18You're so funny.
49:19Oh.
49:22Oh.
49:24We didn't know.
49:26We have signs on them back then.
49:28This plastic.
49:29I know.
49:31Oh, I remember this.
49:33That's Cooper Park.
49:34Yeah.
49:35Oh, look at that.
49:37Your mom's getting you kids ready for a fun day in the sun.
49:40Wait, okay.
49:41Is that baby oil?
49:44And bacon grease.
49:45We've never heard of SPF.
49:47Nobody had.
49:50What are you doing?
49:53That's nice.
49:54Oh.
49:57It smells like meat, practically.
49:59This is ridiculous.
50:00I love it.
50:06What are you pointing at?
50:08Oh, the solar eclipse.
50:10You only see a few of those in your lifetime.
50:14Thanks a lot, Mom.
50:15I didn't want you to miss it.
50:18Oh.
50:19Oh.
50:19Here we are, killing some time, waiting for you to get born, Regina.
50:22Oh, that's funny.
50:23These are so good.
50:25Of course, no helmets.
50:26Yeah, that's true.
50:27Honey, back then, only people on Hogan's Heroes wore helmets.
50:30Nobody else did.
50:32Oh, no.
50:33Oh, no.
50:33Oh, no.
50:34Oh, no.
50:36Oh, no.
50:36Oh, no.
50:36Oh, no.
50:37I know.
50:38I'm sorry.
50:39Common sense would have told you that that wasn't safe.
50:41Oh, I know.
50:42Honey, you were three weeks late.
50:44I was lightheaded from smoking inside, and I was drunk.
50:48I didn't know any better.
50:50I'm sorry.
50:51I didn't know.
50:52Honey, honey, there, there.
50:53Come on.
50:54Calm down.
50:55Calm down.
50:55You are a wonderful mother, and I won't hear any different.
51:01No, you're great.
51:02You're both great, you guys.
51:03We love you guys.
51:04Do you hear that?
51:04You guys are great.
51:05We love you guys.
51:06Besides, when all is said and done, everything's just turned out fine.
51:10Look at our kids here.
51:11Everything's fine.
51:12Here, let's watch the room.
51:14Oh, look, this is for Gina.
51:16Oh, oh.
51:19Oh, I love that car.
51:21You were all tiny.
51:22Yes.
51:23You're so cute.
51:27You guys are great.
51:30She'll use a little.
51:31I'm so happy.
51:32You have a tail.
51:33That's why you have a tail.
51:36You never had it operated on because of the insurance back then.
51:42It's a hard knock.
51:43It's a hard knock life for us.
51:44It's a hard knock life for us.
51:48Yo, yo.
51:49This is Mace from Pottermore.
51:52Hey, yo.
51:52Take the bass out.
51:53Why y'all got the track so fast?
51:56Y'all know I rhyme slow.
51:57It's a bad knock life for me.
52:00It's a bad knock life for me.
52:07It's a bad knock life for me.
52:27Find out if she's real.
52:29What the damn?
52:30I got a feeling this ain't Kansas no more.
52:32I got a question, Mace.
52:34Why you always rhyme so slow?
52:36It takes a half an hour for you to get started.
52:39Are you mentally ill or just retarded?
52:42You got no skill.
52:44But you had a lot of luck.
52:45When I look at your face, I think, what a dumb...
52:50I know what you're thinking.
52:52Get out of here before these two mug me, huh?
52:55I'm just kidding, kids.
52:57Relax.
52:58Man, look at me.
52:59I'm a white person pretending to be a black rapper.
53:02I feel just like Will Smith.
53:05She's a quick little phrase, her tongue sharp as a knife.
53:08Sure, you know what?
53:10It's a bad knock life.
53:11It's a bad knock life for me.
53:13She just can't let things be.
53:17But it's all for everyone.
53:20Dissing people sell much fun.
53:23It's a bad knock life.
53:24Before I forget to mention, let me call to your attention.
53:27These hoes on the stand.
53:28Poster girls for welfare.
53:30Shaking it all with your big bubble butt.
53:33You think you are that child, you know what?
53:36I'm going for some.
53:38Now it's my turn to have fun.
53:41You don't have nice clothes for cash.
53:44You just don't stay quite trash.
53:48It's a bad knock life.
53:49Who's this poser singing the hook?
53:52Your little ass should be home with a book.
53:55Don't be like your mama in the streets hoeing.
53:58And stop singing because the shit's annoying.
54:01The fire is tired.
54:03And guess what?
54:05Guys, you fire.
54:08Okay.
54:09Well, thanks for letting me rap with you, Bloesha.
54:13Ladies, good luck finding your babies' daddies.
54:16And gentlemen, enjoy prison.
54:19Take care.
54:22Sorry, I'm late.
54:24I had to defuse a bomb threatening a crowded shopping mall.
54:28That was acting.
54:30All right.
54:31Welcome to the Keanu Reeves School of Oscar-caliber acting.
54:34I'm your teacher, Keanu Reeves.
54:39For those of you that are unfamiliar with my work,
54:41my first major break was in the 1987 hit
54:44Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
54:46Dear princesses,
54:47we have traveled through time to meet you.
54:50Will you go to the prom with us in San Dimas?
54:52We will have a most triumphant time.
54:55Wait.
54:56After that,
54:58I moved on to more serious work
55:00in Point Break.
55:03You trying to tell me the FBI
55:04is going to pay me to learn to surf?
55:09Of course, after my success in that,
55:11I moved on to my most accomplished performance,
55:13playing an Englishman
55:14in Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula.
55:16Amon,
55:20do you wish me to stay so long?
55:21I will take no refusal.
55:25Dear Mina,
55:26I'm stuck here at Count Dracula's castle.
55:28I do not know how much longer I'll be here,
55:30but I miss you
55:31and I hope to see you soon.
55:39Okay, let's begin.
55:42I'm going to need two volunteers.
55:44You and you.
55:48Why don't you guys try this scene?
55:55How can you treat your father so badly?
55:58Hey, I treated him as bad as he treated me.
56:00You bastard.
56:01Leave my house.
56:03Whoa, whoa.
56:06Way off.
56:09Now, what were you thinking during that scene?
56:11Well, I was thinking about my relationship
56:12with my real father.
56:13It's a common mistake.
56:15This is where my technique can help you.
56:18See, when you're acting,
56:19you want to make your mind a complete blank.
56:23You mean, just don't think at all?
56:26Exactly.
56:26Do what I do.
56:28Get in touch with that big, empty space in your head.
56:31Like this.
56:40Okay, now you guys try.
56:42My technique.
56:51Well, now do the scene.
56:54How can you treat your father so badly?
56:57I treated him as bad as he treated me.
56:59Oh, you bastard.
57:01Leave my house.
57:02Yeah.
57:09Excellent work.
57:11You guys are going to advance very quickly in this course.
57:17You know, that's all right for modern stuff,
57:19but what about Shakespeare?
57:21Yeah.
57:21Good question.
57:22I'm somewhat of an expert in that.
57:25The bard, as I call him, can be intimidating,
57:27but I do have a special technique.
57:30You see, there'll always be a few words that you know.
57:33Say those words louder than the other ones.
57:36Like this.
57:38Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave.
57:42Am I in this,
57:44though I cannot be said to be a flattering, honest man.
57:47It must not be denied,
57:49but I am a playing, dealing villain.
57:53Okay, now you guys try some Shakespeare.
57:58Uh, Romeo and Juliet.
58:01Get up!
58:01Up against the wall!
58:02Move, move, move, move, move!
58:06One move,
58:07and you blow your head off.
58:09Black police don't kill me!
58:10Okay, cool.
58:12Everybody be cool here!
58:19Freeze!
58:24Pop quiz.
58:25You got a hair trigger aimed at your head.
58:27What do you do?
58:29What do you do?
58:31Well, intense.
58:32What are you doing, man?
58:34The guy's got a gun!
58:35Oh, it's just a demonstration.
58:37Demonstration?
58:37Yeah!
58:38I'd like to end each of our sessions with a little surprise.
58:41These are two of my students from last year's course.
58:45Good work, guys!
58:46My arms are broken, man!
58:48I think I peed my pants.
58:51Okay, great.
58:53Well, that's all for this week.
58:56But remember,
58:58empty space.
59:00Excellent!
59:01Yay!
59:01Yay!
59:01Yay!
59:02Yay!
59:04Yay!
59:04Yay!
59:05Yay!
59:06Yay!
59:06Yay!
59:06Yay!
59:06Yay!
59:07Yay!
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