- 9 hours ago
- #oldtimeradio
The "Up and Down" sketch is a classic routine featured on The Abbott and Costello Show during their 1940s radio broadcasts. In this physical-comedy bit, Abbott coaches a reluctant Costello on how to approach and dance with women at a palladium, resulting in hilarious misinterpretations, slow burns, and Costello's eventual confusion about who is playing the woman.
#oldtimeradio
#oldtimeradio
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:02We are back!
00:14Costello, you got...
00:15Come on, lady!
00:17Costello, you got the wackiest family I've ever saw.
00:21Yesterday, they were all walking around the house,
00:23all walking around the house carrying signs.
00:25Well, we gotta do that, Abbott.
00:26We're picketing the kitchen.
00:28Picketing the kitchen? What for?
00:29Shorter hours between meals and longer spaghetti.
00:33And another thing, Costello,
00:35I noticed that you've got three police dogs sleeping in your parlor.
00:38When did you buy them?
00:39We didn't.
00:40Them police dogs, they don't belong to us, Abbott.
00:42Then what are they doing in your parlor?
00:44The finance company put them there to watch the furniture.
00:48Costello, help me...
00:49All right, love, please.
00:50How can you have all your relatives living with you?
00:53We put bleachers in our guest room.
00:54Oh, please. What a bunch.
00:56I noticed your Uncle Artie Stebbins has a very bad cold.
00:58How did that happen?
00:59Well, you see, Uncle Artie sleeps with his pet skunk.
01:01And at two o'clock in the morning, the skunk got up and opened the window.
01:04No, that's ridiculous.
01:08Do you get it?
01:10Ah, yes, yes, yes, I get it.
01:12That's ridiculous.
01:12Tell me, Costello.
01:14Will you listen to me, please?
01:15Is your Uncle Mike still living with you?
01:17I beg your pardon?
01:18Is your Uncle Mike still living with you?
01:20Oh, my Uncle Mike.
01:21You know, I was lost for a second.
01:22Well, you should.
01:23Yeah, sure.
01:25Yeah, but...
01:25Yeah, he...
01:26And he's very helpful around the house.
01:27He is?
01:28Last week, he connected the radio up to the washing machine.
01:30What good is that?
01:31Now, every time my mother washes Pop's red flannels, Frank Sinatra sings,
01:35Super Sod, Super Sod, lots of more Super Sod.
01:38No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:40Yeah, I know.
01:40Oh, yeah.
01:42All right.
01:43Would you please...
01:45What's the matter with you?
01:45Super Sod.
01:46Yeah, you said that.
01:47We get a case of super salt.
01:49All right.
01:50All right, we'll get it, but that's not the point.
01:51Your father should ask him to move.
01:53Oh, he will when he finds out that Uncle Mike hung the shower curtains in the living room.
01:58He hung the shower curtains in the living room?
01:59What happened?
02:00What happened?
02:01Well, my Aunt May went to take a bath.
02:03She slipped off her bathrobe, grabbed the soap, pulled back the shower curtains,
02:07and stepped right out on the front porch.
02:11And she sang, super salt.
02:13Aye, aye, aye, aye.
02:16Look, Costello, what became of your cousin, Tilly?
02:19Doesn't she live at your house anymore?
02:21Oh, no, we had to get rid of Tilly Abbott.
02:22She was ruining our front hall.
02:25Tilly was ruining your front hall?
02:26Yeah, she's so bull-legged, she scraped all the paper off the walls.
02:29Tell me, tell me, Costello, how did your cousin Tilly get so bull-legged?
02:33That was caused by the trip she took coming from Patterson to Hollywood.
02:35Oh, no, no, no.
02:36How could Tilly's trip from New Jersey to California make her bull-legged?
02:39She hitched right to ride on an oil truck.
02:45Costello, why did your family ever come to California in the first place?
02:48Well, my Uncle Mike came out here to sell his invention.
02:51He invented magnetized cheese for catching rats.
02:55Magnetized cheese for catching rats?
02:56Yes.
02:56And this cheese is so powerful that any rat will stick to it like glue.
03:01Well, why doesn't your Uncle Mike sell it?
03:03He can't get it out of his hands.
03:05All that's preposterous.
03:08All your Uncle Mike does around here is go to the racetrack.
03:11I saw him out there Saturday.
03:12He had to go to the racetrack, Abbott, to work on his new experiment.
03:14He's crossing a horse with a fish.
03:16Now, wait a minute, Costello.
03:18That's impossible.
03:19Nobody can cross a horse with a fish.
03:20Well, I heard him tell my Aunt May that he put a fin on a horse's nose.
03:23All right, look.
03:27Costello, you're a nimbus, though.
03:28Why do you continually insist on showing your ignorance?
03:31What's the good of having ignorance if you can't show it?
03:36You are even dumber than your Uncle Mike.
03:38Why did your Aunt May ever marry him?
03:41She married Uncle Mike because she reminded her of her first seven husbands.
03:44Your Aunt May had seven husbands?
03:45And they were all like your Uncle Mike?
03:47What a gamble she took with love.
03:49Yeah, she finally hit the jerk pot.
03:50The jerk...
03:52Costello, I sympathize with your father, living with that bunch of parasites.
03:56What did you say?
03:57I said your relatives are parasites.
03:58That's a lie.
03:59They are not parasites.
04:00They're Americans just like you and me.
04:02Oh, Costello, why don't you do something to make your father happy this month?
04:06Look, why don't you go out and get a job?
04:08Oh, I couldn't do that, Abbott, because I promised my mother I would never hurt anybody's feelings.
04:11Your getting a job couldn't hurt anybody's feelings.
04:13It could hurt mine.
04:16Besides, I tried to get a job in the Air Force as a bombardier, but they turned me down.
04:20I don't believe that.
04:21Okay, I'll read you this letter they sent me.
04:23Here it says, right here.
04:24Dear Lou Costello, we cannot use you in the Air Force as a bombardier.
04:27The general listened to your program last Thursday night, and he said Costello may be
04:31all right on the radio, but how do we know he can laze those eggs from 10,000 feet?
04:34Ah, get him out of here.
04:36Get him out of here.
04:37Well, Costello, there's a taxi.
04:38Call him.
04:39Call a taxi?
04:40Yeah, call him.
04:40Oh, taxi, taxi.
04:41Hey, hey, Cappy, are you engaged?
04:43No, but I'm going steady.
04:46Okay, okay, hop in.
04:48Hop in.
04:49I'll take you down to the department store so you can get a present for your father.
04:53How did you know we were going there?
04:55Here, I got a script, too.
05:03If your father wasn't my landlord, I'd fire you off this show tonight, brother.
05:07Oh, yeah?
05:08Yeah, yeah.
05:09And if I wasn't bigger than you, I'd punch you right in the nose.
05:13It so happens that I am bigger than you.
05:16That's a better reason.
05:19Oh, come on, Costello.
05:20Let's go before the store closes.
05:33My goodness, Costello, this department store is certainly crowded.
05:36Oh, this is nothing.
05:36You should have been here with me Saturday.
05:38They had a sale on men's trousers.
05:40What a mob.
05:40How them women were grabbing the stuff.
05:42One little short woman in the back of me kept hollering,
05:44I've got to get some trousers for my husband.
05:46I've got to get some trousers for my husband.
05:48Did she get them?
05:48She must have.
05:49I went home without my pants.
05:53Hey, I'm begging your pardon, fatty boy.
05:56Aren't you, Lucasfellow?
05:58Yeah, that's me.
05:59Well, I've been following you all around the store.
06:03I got a very important message for you.
06:06It's a special deli...
06:07It's a special deli...
06:10It's a special deli...
06:11It's a special delivery?
06:12No, a telegraph.
06:20And it's 50 cents collect.
06:23Okay, here's a 50 cent.
06:24Ah, thanks.
06:25I'll sing it to you.
06:27Happy Father's Day to you.
06:30Happy Father's Day to you.
06:32Happy Father's Day to you.
06:35Lucas to Hill.
06:36Lucas to Hill.
06:38Lucas to Hill.
06:40Lucas to Hill.
06:41No, but Abbott.
06:47Look, who sent that telegram?
06:48I did.
06:49You did.
06:50Well, in the first place, this isn't Father's Day.
06:52And in the second place, you don't even know me.
06:53Yeah, that's right.
06:55Can you think of a better way to make a half a buck?
06:59Oh, so long, you chubby little rascal.
07:11Well, that's what you get for talking to strangers, Costello.
07:14But come on, we've got to find a present for your father.
07:17Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
07:18There's the undies department, and I need some.
07:20Hey, clerk.
07:21What's on your mind, rough, round, and repulsive?
07:29I'd like to see some underwear that would fit me.
07:32Who wouldn't?
07:35They've got plenty of lines than me!
07:40For your information, Pubby, this is the ladies' lingerie department, and I am a Model C.
07:46A Model C?
07:47You look more like a Model T.
07:54Young man, be careful how you talk to that lady.
07:57She may be a woman.
08:01Boy, this show is suffering.
08:04This show is suffering from too much health.
08:07Hey, Abbott, fire that guy.
08:08No, we can't.
08:08The Manpower Commission froze him to this job.
08:11Yeah, well, remind me to defrost him in the morning.
08:13Hey, Costello, there's the notion counter over there.
08:16Maybe we could get something there, huh?
08:17Oh, look at that girl behind the counter.
08:20Isn't she beautiful?
08:21Woo!
08:24Gorgeous, have you got any notions?
08:26No, and if you all got any, you'd better get rid of them.
08:33My father is the store detective, and he's 65 inches tall.
08:37He weighs 270 pounds.
08:39And yesterday, a fresh guy like you flirted with me, and my daddy bashed his head in.
08:44Now, what do you want?
08:45Gloves, socks, or handkerchief?
08:46I'll take an aspirin.
08:49Hey, look, Costello.
08:50Now, there's something that would be very nice for your father.
08:52A nice, soft pillow, filled up with down.
08:55Up with down?
08:57Certainly.
08:58You see that pillow up there?
08:59That's down.
09:00How can it be down if it's up there?
09:02You dummy?
09:03I'm not talking about where it is.
09:04I'm talking about what it is.
09:06The pillow is up, but it's down.
09:07It's up, but it's down?
09:09Abbott, are we both looking at the same pillow?
09:10Of course, of course, that pillow up there.
09:13Then you admit that the pillow is up.
09:15Certainly it's up, but it's down.
09:16Look, I've been watching that pillow, and it ain't moved yet.
09:19It's still up there.
09:20That's right.
09:21You just said it was down.
09:22How did it get down?
09:23It didn't get down.
09:24It is down.
09:25It's always been down.
09:26That pillow is down even when it's up.
09:28One of us is nuts, brother.
09:30That pillow is down, Costello.
09:32You get down off a duck's back.
09:34That's a lie.
09:35I never even got up on a duck's back.
09:39I didn't say you got up on a duck's back.
09:41I said you get down off a duck's back.
09:43How could I get down off a duck if I never got on a duck's back?
09:46Listen, please.
09:47You don't get off a duck's back if you don't get out of it.
09:49Now, listen, you dummy.
09:49When I say the pillow is down, I don't mean down like in the direction down.
09:53I mean down like the kind of down you get when you get down off a duck's back.
09:56And that kind of down can be up or down, and it's still down.
10:00Oh, when you say the pillow is down, you don't mean down like the direction down.
10:03You mean down like the kind of down you get when you get down off a duck's back,
10:07and that kind of down can be up or down, and it's still down.
10:10Now you've got it.
10:11Now I've got it.
10:12I don't even know what I'm talking about.
10:13Get him out of here.
10:23Well, Costello, we've been all through the store, and you still haven't bought your father's present.
10:26I don't know what to get him, Abbott.
10:27Every time I get him a present, he loses it.
10:29Last year, I bought him a watch.
10:30He lost it.
10:31You bought him a watch, and he lost it?
10:32Yeah.
10:32How did he lose it?
10:33He couldn't keep up the payments.
10:34Right.
10:37Talk sense, Costello.
10:39Look.
10:39Hey, there's your Aunt Eva in the sporting goods department.
10:42Now I wonder what she's shopping for.
10:44Oh, she's going to buy my Uncle Tom a shotgun.
10:47Did your Uncle Tom tell her what kind of a shotgun to get?
10:49No.
10:50He don't even know she's going to shoot him.
10:54Aunt Eva's very mean to your Uncle Tom.
10:56He is not.
10:56Two years ago, she made him a sponge cake.
10:58A sponge cake?
10:59Yep.
10:59He still uses it every time he takes a bath.
11:03Well, now that's silly, Costello.
11:04Look, why don't you get your father a book or a game, something to amuse himself?
11:08I couldn't do that, Abbott.
11:09Last Christmas, I got him an electric train to play with, and he had a terrible accident.
11:12Oh, now come, come.
11:13How could your father have an accident with a toy train?
11:15He was running it in the living room, and when the train went by, he thought he saw an empty
11:21seat, and he jumped for it.
11:23All right.
11:24He thought he saw an empty seat, and he jumped for it.
11:28He said that.
11:29Well, I got a bigger laugh the second time.
11:31Well, all right.
11:32Say it again, then.
11:33I don't care.
11:33He thought he saw an empty seat, and he jumped for it.
11:40All right.
11:40Look, look.
11:41You know seats are tough, they get.
11:43Yeah, all right.
11:43Wait a minute.
11:44I've got an idea.
11:45Why don't you get him something to wear?
11:46How about, hey, how about a full dress suit?
11:49Oh, you know my father in a fancy dresser.
11:50Well, your mother should make him dress up.
11:53Dress up?
11:54Why, my mother has to sprinkle packs around the house to get him to wear shoes.
11:58Costello, there must be something that your father needs.
12:01I got it.
12:02I know exactly what he needs.
12:03What is it?
12:04I'll get him a vest with rubber pockets.
12:07What does your father need a vest with rubber pockets for?
12:09Because when he eats out, he always likes to take home the wet tea bags.
12:17All right, all right.
12:19Stop it, Joker.
12:20Anything to get it settled.
12:22Go ahead, buy him the vest.
12:24And now, Costello, if you're going to step out with your father, you should get yourself a new suit.
12:28All your clothes look terrible.
12:30I can't help it.
12:31I wish I had somebody to pick up my clothes for me.
12:34Now, you know, I'm glad you said that, Costello.
12:36Well, because right here in this store, they have the world's greatest authority on men's clothes.
12:41Ah, greetings, gentlemen.
12:42I am the world's greatest authority on men's style, Professor Mellonhead.
12:47Better known as Fashion Plate Mellonhead.
12:51Fashion what, Mellonhead?
12:53Fashion plate.
12:54Plate.
12:55Your head looks more like a soup bowl.
12:57Hey, get away that shiny dome.
12:59I see more hair on a 10-cent toothbrush.
13:03Costello, wherever I go, my head arouses admiration.
13:07Your head would arouse the mother instinct in an ostrich.
13:11And it would get results.
13:14Now, now, Costello, you should knock the professor's head.
13:17I've knocked better-looking things than that with a croquet mallet.
13:21Hey, Mellonhead, if you can get two more guys with heads like yours, I can get you a steady job.
13:25Doing what?
13:26Hanging out in front of a pawn shop.
13:29With a stuff like yours, I'll bet you don't get any girls.
13:32No, for your information, Costello, I get more girls than I can shake a stick at.
13:35Yeah, but who wants to go around shaking sticks at girls?
13:38Oh, calm, calm, Costello.
13:39We're wasting time.
13:40Uh, Professor Mellonhead, do you think you could make a well-dressed man out of Costello?
13:44Have it?
13:44I could make two well-dressed men out of him and have enough left over to make an overstuffed midget.
13:50Now, Costello, the trouble with you, Mr. Lou Costello, is that you're out of shape.
13:55Look at you.
13:56Instead of your shoulders being square, your stomach is square.
13:59Well, I can't help it, Mellonhead.
14:02That's because I eat Wheaties.
14:04Whoa.
14:05Wheaties?
14:06Eating Wheaties makes your stomach square?
14:08I eat the boxes, too.
14:12Now, Costello, look.
14:14To correct the slope in your shoulders, I will have to pad them up.
14:18What are you going to pad them up with?
14:20Down.
14:20Up with down?
14:21Down is up, yes.
14:22Give up the back of the square!
14:24Now, wait a minute.
14:25Now, wait a minute.
14:26Now, wait a minute.
14:27Who's up first?
14:28Who's up first?
14:28All right, never mind.
14:29What's on second?
14:30Oh, I've said anything of the kind.
14:31Shut up, Costello.
14:32The professor is only trying to help you.
14:34Of course, Mr. Abner.
14:35You know I'm lost again?
14:36All right.
14:40Go right ahead, professor.
14:44Go right ahead, professor.
14:48All right.
14:49All right.
14:49Who talks?
14:50Who talks?
14:50I do.
14:51Mr. Abner's right.
14:56My turn.
14:57Mr. Abner's right, Costello.
14:59You look like an embryonic warp rest.
15:02Now, look.
15:03What's the idea of wearing...
15:04Find place to find my part.
15:05I'm warp rest.
15:06Gotta find it on warp rest.
15:09Look how you're dressed.
15:10What's the idea of wearing that locket around your neck?
15:13You shouldn't have mentioned that, Melonhead.
15:15No.
15:15I wear this locket as a remembrance to my old girlfriend.
15:18Poor Ruby.
15:19In here is a lock of her hair.
15:20Oh, I'm sorry.
15:22Is Ruby gone?
15:23Nope.
15:24But her hair is.
15:24Oh.
15:26Why, you irritating imbecile.
15:27If I were your father, I'd give you a Mickey.
15:30Melonhead, if you was my father, I'd take it.
15:33Calm, calm, professor.
15:34All this is not getting Costello dressed up now.
15:36You're right, Abbott.
15:36Costello, how about your clothes?
15:38Do you have flannel?
15:38Yes.
15:38Do you have gabardines?
15:39Yes.
15:39Do you have twill?
15:43What?
15:44Especially when I go out with girls.
15:47Good, good.
15:48All right.
15:49Now for an entire sartorial ensemble.
15:51First, I will put a zipper on your seersucker.
15:54I'll cut the frayed edges off your cashmere.
15:57I will twist your tweed, shorten your cheviot.
16:00I'll take a sharp needle, put a few stitches in your worsted,
16:04and then I will run a hot iron over your herringbone.
16:09You wouldn't dare.
16:12You haven't got the nerve.
16:14Cut, cut, Costello.
16:15Don't cut, cut me, Melonhead.
16:16This time you have gone too far.
16:18I didn't say nothing when you took me for a sucker with that zipper.
16:20I set my mouth shut when you put twisted weeds in my Chevrolet.
16:24I didn't squeal when you took that sharp needle
16:26and put stitches in that innocent cashier.
16:29When you took that hot iron and deliberately burned that poor herringbone,
16:33you not only impute on my good name,
16:36but you have passed aspersion on Hart, Shaffner, and Groucho Marx.
16:40Oh, get them out of here.
Comments