- 2 days ago
Smoggie Queens - Season 2 Episode 3 - A Smoggie Social
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Short filmTranscript
00:15Take your time. Just tell us everything you remember.
00:20It's been 84 minutes.
00:23It was a different time back then.
00:25We were younger and happier.
00:30We hadn't a care in the world.
00:40Hey, I'm buzzing for your drag brunch, ma'am.
00:43I said to Neil to bring his armbands and waders off with it being Titanic-themed.
00:47Oh, it's been a while since I've dusted off the old bingo balls.
00:49I've roped in Geordie Kaz to help organise it.
00:52Oh, I love Geordie Kaz, mate. She's got such a funny accent.
00:55You're a red pit!
00:56You're a red pit!
00:58Why are you, ma'am?
00:59Will you help us feel a little bit of a scooter?
01:01Come on, Neil. I'll get your togs on. We're leaving in 20.
01:04Woo!
01:05Right, Lucinda, I need your make-up skills, please.
01:08I want to be an English rose today.
01:10You're in luck, hon.
01:11My Uncle Dean has just sold me some Estee Lauder Cosmetics
01:14and I have the perfect English rose rouge for your cheeks.
01:17Not your dodgy Uncle Dean who went to prison for fraud.
01:19He's changed his ways, hon.
01:21At first I thought, no, Lucinda, don't fall for his conitis behaviour again.
01:23Not after last time when he phoned me up and convinced me to transfer him money
01:26because he said he was stuck down a well in Botswana.
01:29But I had lunch with him the other day and I swear down, he's proper changed his ways.
01:32Well, I'll hear then. Get out of me first.
01:35I'm on the pool today so I need to look fresh as fuck.
01:37Where are you? Dressing up as Stuart?
01:39Well, I wasn't sure what to wear because I've never seen Titanic.
01:42But Mum says she's got me a costume.
01:44You've never seen Titanic?
01:47No, it came out before I was born, so...
01:51More concealer, please, Lucinda.
01:55Away, babe. Don't be stingy.
01:59As the make-up gently caressed my cheek, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror
02:04and I thought, wow, I truly am England's rose.
02:09If we could just stick to the relevant points, that would be great.
02:12Do you want my statement or not? Off his head.
02:16The Teaside Princess was called the Ship of Dreams.
02:21And it was.
02:23It really was.
02:26So this is the famous Teaside Princess.
02:30I heard she's unsinkable.
02:33Oh, look at the stern on that.
02:37Absolutely exquisite.
02:41What a big old bastard barge.
02:47Wow. It's you.
02:52Are we inside? Let's get set up.
02:55Oh, it's Stuart. Stop pitting about.
03:00What a beauty.
03:02Is that you, Neil?
03:05Down here.
03:07Oh, hiya, Stuart.
03:11Oh, thanks, Neil.
03:13What have you come as?
03:14Squirty cream?
03:15I'm meant to be an iceberg.
03:18Oh, it's Johnny, Kaz.
03:20Oh, I eat.
03:22I eat, Kaz.
03:23Oh, I eat, Kaz.
03:24How are you?
03:24Are you okay, chick?
03:25Aye, not too bad.
03:26Can I complain?
03:27Hey, Kaz, stay.
03:29That radiator needs bleeding.
03:32That radiator needs bleeding.
03:34Oh, I'm not really on your...
03:37A radiator.
03:37You really on your...
03:37And you on your...
03:39It's going to be on your...
03:40I'm not going to be on your...
03:41Oh, I'm not going to be on your...
03:41Oh, I'm not going to be on your...
03:43Oh, yeah.
03:43So, what's the deal, chick?
03:44Do we just take the equipment straight downstairs?
03:45oh yeah about that there's been a bit of a hiccup and apparently there's been a
03:50double booking what do you mean I booked this place months ago who the hell's
03:53friggin double booked it
04:06excuse me chick I yeah I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding I've
04:17got this room booked
04:18you hello ma'am didn't expect to see you here it's been a while you're looking
04:27like you're eating well what the hell are you doing here nan you must excuse the
04:34mess I'm just setting up for my Titanic themed drag brunch this is my Titanic
04:44themed drag brunch I'm ever so sorry flower you must be mistaken there is no
04:50pigging way we booked a drag event on the same day in the same place you know it's
04:59not uncommon for a drag queen to host a Titanic themed drag brunch on a floating
05:08vessel well you're gonna have to leave because I have got a huge guest list and
05:15they will be arriving imminently big word for the big lass oh you bitch oh you cow
05:26you shit oh stop what's going on hey nan what are you doing here I didn't think you two could
05:35legally be in the same room as each other what's all the racket lads I could hear us from the
05:40engine
05:40room she's trying to hijack my event because she's got a vendetta against me oh get over yourself you
05:46hairy old wench it's not all about you hey I didn't think you two could legally be in the same
05:52room as
05:53each other yeah don't worry everyone nan was just leaving like fucking hell I was this is
06:02exactly why the tea's treaty had to be drawn up it specifically stipulates that nan should only be
06:08hosting drag events in Stockton and mom should only be hosting drag events in Middlesbrough and that
06:13never the twain shall meet exactly and seeing as we're in Middlesbrough you can just fuck yourself
06:20off back to Stockton today I think you'll find what actually in Stockton so you could fuck yourself
06:27off back to the borough technically lads this is international waters well so now bring the creative
06:38blue WKD's in we're staying put well how are we gonna settle this there's only one way fight to the
06:49death well what about an arm wrestle yeah that's fine yeah we'll do that yeah
07:15how are we here Jerry you lifted your elbow Stockton wins the room is ours get yourselves
07:26upstairs your Middlesbrough twats oh you cheat stop being a bad loser you bitter old snot pig
07:36this isn't over she was the majestic beauty the tea side princess and I knew I'd feel at home on
07:48this sturdy vessel the old girl was about to set sail and carry me to my new life away from
07:55my
07:55troubles finally leaving my ex-boyfriend Harrison far behind me for fuck's sake
08:06just the very sight of that shit-ragg ex-boyfriend of mine and his new whore twink made my piss
08:12boil
08:13I needed to cool down with some ice-cold hard liquor and that's when I saw him the most beautiful
08:20man I'd ever laid eyes on I caught his eye and he caught my heart and vodka and gin on
08:28the rocks
08:29please turn and make it a slimline single very no sorry I mean do you want a single or a
08:36double all of
08:37the above
08:40I'm a thirsty girl do I detect an exotic accent I'm from Glasgow well I'm on that I moved around
08:52a lot
08:52so I've kind of got a range of different Scottish accents all merged together the funniest time was
08:55we moved to the Isle of Arran I couldn't understand a word they were saying at first then you sort
08:58of
08:58learn to acclimatise though don't you
09:05hiya what can I get you pal oh I think I'll go for a raspberry cider please
09:11Dickie are you all right your face looks a bit fresh yeah no hon I'm an English rose these days
09:19Stuart this is I'm sorry I didn't catch your name
09:22Jack Jack nice to meet you I'm Stuart you know I've got to say pal I think it's really
09:28admirable you're using a drag bunch to highlight the plate of the melting ice caps in Antarctica
09:34oh thanks very much yeah I'm also a huge fan of climate change Jack
09:42Dickie I really think you need to take a quick look in the mirror
09:45you should take a good look in the mirror before you criticise other people Stuart
09:48you're just a squirty cream two triple vodka lemonades please well well well look what's
09:56washed up a thorn between two roses hiya Dickie what the hell's happening to your face it's called a
10:03natural glow you should ask mother nature for a refund jealousy is never attractive well maybe you
10:15should change your name to jealousy as well sorry to see that cheating cow
10:24she's jealous that's why she's done this well I tell you what I'm gonna make this
10:29event a success even if I have to do it or be a doll hands on deck yes ma'am
10:34yes ma'am back in this deck Jack
10:38what's going on ma'am evil conniving backstabbing witch ma'am Stuart's literally stood right here
10:46I'm not Stuart Nan you're joking aren't you Nan's here as I live and fucking breathe oh where the fuck
10:56is
10:56it's Geordie Kaz who's Nan ma'am's arch nemesis they go way back but it didn't end well
11:06EY let me tell you a little story Stuart many moons ago they were like sisters they had this comedy
11:15double act and they'd go around to all the working men's clubs together ma'am had this catchphrase the
11:20audiences I couldn't get enough of and I turned around to him and I said oh I wouldn't mind a
11:25right go
11:26on your banana we're making an absolute killing until one day mom showed up to one of the gigs she
11:36walked in and to her shock Nan was already on stage this fella come to do me plumbing in the
11:42house the other day and that's not all man stolen man's catchphrase oh sir I wouldn't mind a right
11:51go on your banana why would she do that mom thinks she was jealous because she was getting more laughs
11:57than her all you need to know is they can never be left alone together do you understand me Stuart
12:04oh Harry found her hi ma'am you know I actually prefer it up here ma'am it's got a
12:13lot of charm
12:14we'll make it work chick we always do uh Kaz did you find out anything about the sound system for
12:19up
12:19here oh yeah about that uh they don't have a sound system for up here huh what am I going
12:25to do about
12:25me music oh that's all I need would you run and get my mobile karaoke machine from the van please
12:31Kaz
12:31that'll have to do oh god this didn't get any friggin worse just to let you know the toilets up
12:37here
12:37are blocked so you're going to have to get your audience to go downstairs if they need to spend a
12:40penny welcome aboard cheers need any help yeah if you don't mind me welcome aboard
13:12the crowds were flooding into nams bingo and the energy was electric welcome aboard
13:25well we're uh we're about to set sail destination new york
13:36does anyone fancy a game of bingo yeah come on you can do better than that anyone fancy a game
13:43of bingo
13:50whilst a man was slaying the house down upstairs little did we know that below deck
13:55something sinister was afoot are you here for the titanic drag brunch this way
14:12the bingo was in full swing legs 11
14:1988 i'm going for a piss unfortunately i was finding it hard to concentrate on mam's balls
14:25because jack would not stop flirting with me sorry he was flirting with you are you questioning my
14:32judgment officer
14:36as i was saying jack was in awe of me
14:42where the fuck is everyone 21 and then mam had an idea oh no look out everyone iceberg right ahead
14:54whoever the iceberg hits has to do a shot oh oh looks like the shot iceberg has found a victim
15:07come on everyone down in one down in one down in one down in one
15:23and just just um talk amongst yourselves for a minute
15:30what the hell's happened to my audience i want you to go downstairs and find out no problems mam i'm
15:36on the case
15:37thanks chick
15:40oh i'm glad i found you steward mam's just told me to tell you to go downstairs to find out
15:46what's
15:46happened to her audience
15:48okay
15:52uh jack teach me how to speak scottish
15:56it's just english pal with an accent
15:58like that's how i can
16:02such a beautiful language
16:19anybody fancy your shots
16:23Yeah!
16:33Watch out everybody!
16:37There's a fucking iceberg ahead!
16:45Iceberg!
16:46Iceberg!
16:47Iceberg!
16:48Iceberg!
16:49Iceberg!
16:50Iceberg!
16:51Iceberg!
16:52Iceberg!
16:53Baker's dozen 60 isn't it Dickie double brandy and cork please mate where's
17:01mom's audience funny you should mention it actually because she's just asked me
17:05to ask you if you wouldn't mind going downstairs try and get them to come back
17:08off well sound I'm on it where the hell have you been thanks then you went
17:23downstairs and well I've seen figures what you mean things I can't explain all I
17:36know is I need to go back down
17:43Neil Neil
18:03excuse me mate there's bingo happening upstairs
18:11sorry the winter off but you're missing out on a cracking game of bingo
18:19I'm not sure you're aware but there's bingo going on
18:24what did I tell you this is absolutely amazing
18:42Danny LaRue 52 I'm gonna need another couple of bottles of Prosecco flour hey the bastards have
18:53dragged me dry downstairs sorry to interrupt this electrifying game of bingo but I
19:05just wanted to let everyone know that a free glasses of Prosecco downstairs for the
19:12next 10 minutes
19:25and I'm absolutely gagging to extract one of your balls
19:33ma'am you don't mind
19:44one fat lady
19:47number eight
19:49saggy old whore
19:5234
19:52built like a vending machine
19:5617
19:57a speck of shit on me shoe
19:5932
20:00tits dragging on the floor
20:0364
20:05balls dragging on the floor
20:0874
20:10lip sync battle time
20:13yeah
20:16any of you little fuckers brave enough to battle me
20:21yeah
20:22attention seeking bitch
20:25I love lip sync battles
20:26I'll do it
20:28oh we have a victim
20:35and it looks like fucking jackie stallone
20:40that's happening to dickie's face
20:44yeah jackie
20:49not suitable for human skin
20:52not again uncle dean you complete asshole
20:56this is for you jack babe
20:58some people say it looks like me dad
21:01woo
21:01yes
21:01yes
21:02yes
21:02yes
21:02yes
21:03yes
21:06yes
21:07yes
21:07yes
21:08yes
21:20yes
21:21yes
21:21yes
21:21yes
21:22yes
21:22yes
21:22yes
21:22yes
21:22yes
21:24yes
21:26yes
21:34yes
21:38thick as bricks
21:3926
21:39a washed up has been
21:41number 14
21:43neck as wide as a tree
21:4593
21:46a haggard old bitch
21:48with freakishly large feet
21:50and a big fat ass
21:526
21:53house oh we have a winner ma'am and I'll tell you what I wouldn't mind a right
22:05go on your banana banana banana I said I wouldn't mind a right go on your
22:23banana what are you gonna do hit me in front of your tiny audience outside now
22:58tell me why you're doing this doing what why you stole me audience why did you steal me catchphrase
23:04stole your audience maybe they just decided to have a day at home and it was never your catchphrase
23:10we were a double act it was our catchphrase oh you're a liar tell me the truth or I'll spray
23:20this in your crusty old face why are you so obsessed with me obsessed come off it ma'am
23:27I mean look at yourself who'd ever be obsessed with you
23:35okay
23:37maybe I did steal your audience I knew it but I did it because
23:44I miss you eh I miss ya and I just wanted to be around you again I knew you wouldn't
23:54ever
23:54agree to a gig with me so the only way I could spend time with you was to
24:03hijack your event I had no idea I mean that's quite unhinged chick
24:16I'm sorry mom I'll leave now and let you finish your show
24:36I knew you'd fall for that you gullible old cow
24:40what I never stole you again cuz I miss ya I was just bored as fuck you evil
24:53I was just I didn't do it
24:55I don't know
25:25Oh, Stuart, stop pissing about.
25:27What are we going to do?
25:28Don't worry, the current should carry him back to the borough.
25:31Er, no, it'll take him to Stockton.
25:34Actually, lads, this current flows directly to the North Sea.
25:43And we never saw him again.
25:47You know, as irritating as he was,
25:50I'm going to miss that annoying little shitstick.
25:53Sorry, who are you talking about?
25:56Stuart.
25:57Stuart Park?
25:58He drowned off his there. Keep up.
26:01Er, no, he didn't.
26:02He sat right there.
26:05Ah, yes.
26:07The river rat lives to fight for another day.
26:13Fancy some more pateco?
26:14I nabbed a couple of bottles from Nan.
26:16Wouldn't say no, like.
26:21Ah, cheers.
26:32Sal!
26:33Are we in the car?
26:36I've got to go.
26:37Who's that?
26:39Sal!
26:40Well, she's actually my girlfriend.
26:45Oh, right.
26:47You best be getting back to her, then.
26:51Sal!
26:51What the frick are you doing, you divvy?
26:54Are we?
26:59I need you to get me a kebab.
27:01I'm freaking starving.
27:04Wasting away over here.
27:07Yeah?
27:13You've got an ass like an open suitcase!
27:15You're a sack of shit!
27:17You've got big balls like a face on her!
27:19Hiya, Stuart.
27:19Big dog.
27:21Come!
27:22Third day, you want to go!
27:23I just wanted to let you know, I thought it was really, really brave what you did.
27:28I mean, jumping in the river, dressed as an iceberg, all in the name of drawing attention
27:33to the melting ice cap.
27:34Oh, no.
27:34You could have died.
27:36Jack, I think...
27:37Listen, can I, er...
27:40Can I give you my number?
27:43You don't have to contact me, but if you ever fancy a drink...
27:49I...
27:50I'd love that, yeah.
27:51Would you like to give me your number, Jack?
27:55No.
27:56No, I wouldn't.
27:58Not until you start taking the environment seriously and stop using single-use plastic bottles.
28:03Sorry, Peb.
28:21What the fuck has happened to my face?
28:31What the fuck has happened to my face?
28:33I don't know.
28:36I don't know.
28:38I don't know.
28:39I don't know.
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