- 2 days ago
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TVTranscript
00:15I always do this when I get nervous. I put too much makeup on and then I look crazy.
00:24I was going to do the show but now I think I might just walk center stage and hang myself.
00:34Me rifling through a disgusting bag trying to find a half-eaten Zyrtec so that when I start crying I
00:42know it's from emotions and not pollen.
00:47Yes, I'm an autodidact, which I thought meant that your blood didn't clot and I found out yesterday it means
00:53you're self-taught.
01:13When selecting gemstones I always choose something that goes with my skin tone and I'm both a winter and a
01:19summer.
01:22Oh great, they have it locked.
01:32Weirdness follows me wherever I go. Weirdness seems to know me even better than I seem to know myself.
01:41I'm someone else.
01:42Yell out the last word of every joke.
01:44Okay.
01:45Because that makes it more funny.
01:46I'm covered in scabs.
01:48If you're nervous, you can't show them any fear.
01:51They can't know that you're afraid.
01:54Why do you think I wear this much makeup, Margaret?
01:56I'm covered in scabs.
01:58Try to keep your asshole really tight, like shut really tight.
02:01Like if you had a tail you would put it over the top of it.
02:04Oh, I have a tail.
02:04Soldier, take your time.
02:08Please welcome to the stage the complex multi-talents of the inimitable, the incomparable, skinny legend herself, Miss Trixie Patel!
02:17No one said the words, I'll have to rhyme.
02:19And if they do, it's fine.
02:21And even if they don't, no one needs to know.
02:26Oh, soldier, you gotta let things go.
02:28Charlotte there-
02:29Oh, Barbara!
02:40Oh, Rosa!
03:07Thank you all tonight for coming to the Ricardo Montalbán Theater.
03:10Now, many of you know my assistant, Ryan.
03:12Clap for Ryan.
03:17Now, we thought of a way to make the ending a big finish.
03:20Are you ready?
03:21Are you ready?
03:23Ryan, hit it.
03:32Okay.
03:35We might need this tomorrow.
03:36Okay.
03:37And that was my show.
03:39Have such a great night.
03:40Bye.
03:43Okay.
03:46I'm so happy to see so many of you.
03:48I love you.
03:48I love you.
03:49I trust you.
03:50Trust fall.
03:51Okay.
03:52That would be a pretty strong way to start the show, though, wouldn't it?
03:58I might do it, bitch.
04:01Can you tell I'm kind of an insecure performer?
04:03Most people call that a stage dive.
04:05I'm like, it's a trust fall.
04:11By the way, we're taping this.
04:16Like, Trixie, tonight you're taped.
04:18I'm like, mama, I'm taped every night.
04:22Have you ever used Goo Gone on your piss slit?
04:28I'm really pumped to be here tonight, you guys.
04:30I performed here many a time.
04:31And I got so excited getting ready tonight.
04:33My first special, I felt like one of those deaf people turning on a cochlear implant.
04:36I was like, oh, come on.
04:50They're not going to hear about it.
05:00I just want to dress the elephant in the room tonight.
05:02I know a lot of you guys came here tonight thinking you were going to be going to a drag
05:04show, you know?
05:05You said to your friends, Stephanie, Roberta, I don't know.
05:10You said, let's go to a drag show.
05:12It's going to be a man dressed as a woman.
05:15And then instead, you guys got here and, oh.
05:21It's a woman.
05:23No, it's a woman.
05:28Like, all the way from the balcony, you guys were like, wow, Dakota Fanning.
05:39And then from, like, the middle of the back of the floor seats, you guys were like, wow.
05:44Hayden Panettiere.
05:47And then up front, you guys up close, you're like, Janice from the Muppets.
05:50Holy fucking shit.
05:56I've been traveling so much.
05:57I haven't gotten to perform in L.A. super recently, but I was just in Australia.
06:00I never get the picture with, like, the koala.
06:02Because, you know, I've heard the drag queens go there and they all have the koala or whatever.
06:05And I ask the gay guys there, I'm like, is it really worth it?
06:07Is it really cool, the koalas?
06:08And they go, yeah.
06:12But they've all got chlamydia.
06:15And good luck held them when they sleep 16 hours a day.
06:20Listen, if sleeping all day and having chlamydia makes you a koala.
06:32Why don't you put this pussy on the endangered species list?
06:38But I'm going to sing for all different types of audiences.
06:41This is a drag fan audience, but my favorite type of audience is bear audiences.
06:44Are bears here tonight?
06:45Woo!
06:48The straight girls are like, I know what bears are.
06:50I've seen Drag Race.
07:02Fears.
07:08No, I just recently did a whole bear event and it was the theater just like this.
07:13But imagine the biggest, toughest gay guys you've ever seen rolling into the theater.
07:17It was very like, mask for sleep mask, you know?
07:22But that was a joke about sleep apnea.
07:27Which is a phenomenon where your body is so big
07:31that your lungs are like, lights out, big boy!
07:39I mean, imagine being body shamed by your own lungs.
07:45I love sleeping with big chubby guys, though,
07:47because they all have those sleep masks they sleep with at night.
07:50They all kind of remind me of, like, gay Bane from Batman.
07:56I'm like, babe!
08:01Yes, mama boots the house down for the guards.
08:09So there's a lot of new material tonight.
08:10The big thing is, you guys, coming out here, I was just afraid I would bomb.
08:14You know?
08:16But then I thought, in these short little shoes with this big blonde hair,
08:19if I really did bomb, you guys would just be like,
08:20wow, Lady Bunny was really off her game.
08:37Don't worry, I got it.
08:39One time I was trying to get this guitar on in drag,
08:41and someone yelled,
08:42someone help her!
08:47Which, you know, as a live performer,
08:49not really what I'm hoping to hear from the audience.
08:53Someone help her!
08:56But honestly, I figured tonight, you guys,
08:58if I really did bomb,
08:59I would just change my drag name to ISIS.
09:05Or are you offended on behalf of ISIS?
09:10How many of you have never seen me before?
09:14And how many of you have seen me before?
09:15Woo!
09:20It's nice.
09:22Normally, I don't have a huge repeat audience.
09:26And some of you are about to find out why.
09:31This show could get quite offensive.
09:34This show could get kind of rude.
09:37You'll think to yourself,
09:39I could be anywhere else
09:40at the movies
09:42or eating a food.
09:56Audiences get quite defensive
09:58when the jokes become kind of crude.
10:02You'll turn to your friends,
10:04you'll say,
10:05when does this end?
10:07I hate it.
10:09Who is she?
10:13And...
10:14Bill.
10:17But capitalism is just
10:19tapping to the rhythm
10:20of the sound of your pocket full of change.
10:22I mean, I rhyme tapping with
10:24tapping to the rhythm.
10:24I mean, that's amazing.
10:28And if that doesn't impress you,
10:30I want to tell you one thing.
10:32I've already got your money.
10:38I've already got your money.
10:41Even all the bees know the price of honey.
10:44And I'm just the comb.
10:47And if you don't like it,
10:48you can go home.
10:57These days,
10:58everyone's so sensitive.
11:00I'm never sure just what to say.
11:03No jokes about blacks
11:05in my one-woman act
11:06about the Mormon,
11:08the Jewish,
11:09or
11:09gay.
11:11I can make a gay joke.
11:13I have a gay friend.
11:18Honestly, if you are offended,
11:20how many fucks am I meant to give
11:23when you're already here anyway?
11:27I'll say what I want
11:28to these motherfuckers in the front.
11:30Hello?
11:32That's a pretty nice seat over there, sir,
11:34in the floral shirt.
11:36Wow.
11:37Rich.
11:39Those are nice seats.
11:40I would hate to offend you
11:41sitting right up front like this.
11:43But what's it matter?
11:45He's already paid.
11:49And capitalism is just
11:51tapping to the rhythm
11:52of the sound
11:53of your pocket full of change.
11:57I've already got your money.
11:59What if it was like
12:00really Blink 22?
12:00Already got your money.
12:06My job here is to be funny
12:08and occasionally say
12:10ahem
12:11oh honey.
12:17I might only say that
12:18once tonight, okay?
12:20And if that's not enough for you
12:23I've already got your money.
12:25Sing it.
12:26Trixie Metellus.
12:27I've already got your money.
12:29This sounds so good.
12:30I've already got RuPaul's money.
12:40And if you don't like it
12:41you can go home.
12:51I love that.
12:55Honestly, my job as a comedian
12:57is to try to relate to
12:59as many of you as possible
12:59but honestly
13:00because of the last couple years
13:02of my meteoric rise
13:03to fame and fortune
13:05it's hard for me
13:06to find common ground
13:07with some of you, you know?
13:08Like honestly
13:09at this point
13:09the show is just about me
13:10and the front viewers
13:11of rich people.
13:15Them?
13:16Balcony?
13:16Mama, I don't know them.
13:22The fucking
13:24cast of Les Mis up there?
13:25No.
13:31They all have little
13:31cropped haircuts
13:32and they're covered in ashes.
13:33Hi.
13:37And if you guys up there
13:38if you can see the front viewers
13:39of rich people
13:39they all have like fur
13:40they're like
13:46So this song
13:47yeah
13:48this song
13:50this is for you
13:50front rows of rich people.
13:55Hey rich people
13:57beautiful rich people
14:00don't you hate it
14:01when you double park
14:03your boat?
14:06Whoa
14:09Hey rich people
14:11just you guys
14:12rich people
14:14don't you hate it
14:16when you spill the blood
14:17of the poor
14:18on your fur coat?
14:23You got more money
14:25you've got more problems
14:26can't use a hundred dollar bill
14:28as a condo
14:49honestly it's just about us
14:51hey
14:51rich people
14:52just you guys
14:54rich people
14:56don't you hate it
14:57when your ring
14:58turns your finger green
15:00I'm just kidding
15:00that doesn't happen to us
15:06rich
15:12hey rich people
15:13not you guys
15:15rich people
15:17don't you hate it
15:18when the hooker
15:19turns out
15:20to be 17
15:29it's like
15:30I'm pretty sure
15:31I paid for 16
15:46if you're not laughing
15:47you're looking a little guilty
15:54some intergenerational
15:54gay couple
15:55is like
15:55we should leave
16:03you got more money
16:04and things go wrong
16:05the only way
16:07to relate
16:07is through a song
16:19hey rich people
16:20I know you feel me
16:22rich people
16:25don't you hate it
16:26when it's New Year's Eve
16:27in West Hollywood
16:27and you're with
16:28Betsy Johnson
16:29and Johnny Weir
16:30and Pamela Anderson
16:31and all of a sudden
16:32Pamela goes
16:33we should go to Vegas
16:35and you go
16:35Pamela we haven't even packed
16:37and she pulls out
16:38her Visa card
16:39and goes
16:39we're packed
16:46and three days later
16:47you wake up
16:48in a taxi
16:48outside of the
16:49Bellagio Hotel
16:49wearing nothing
16:50but flip flops
16:52and that 17 year old
16:54hooker died
16:59and you have to
17:00change your name
17:04to Trixie Mattel
17:11you got more money
17:13and things get harder
17:14just ask a celebrity
17:16like me
17:17or Jennifer Gardner
17:26rich people
17:43great
17:46some of you guys
17:47I know you
17:47I recognize your face
17:48from the meet and greet
17:51meet and greets
17:52are fun
17:53for you
17:56no for me
17:57it's like that scene
17:57in Precious
17:58where her dad's
17:58fucking her
17:59I just sort of
18:00leave my body
18:07did you need me
18:12to sing a song again
18:13or
18:14good
18:18the thing about
18:18meet and greets
18:19you guys is
18:20meet and greets
18:20we're big tall
18:21scary drag queens
18:22so meet and greets
18:23people get up to us
18:23and they get very emotional
18:24very quickly
18:26people get up to me
18:27and they just panic
18:28they're just
18:29Trixie I was abused
18:34and I'm always like
18:35just now
18:39what did he look like
18:43is he still here
18:52Trixie I was diagnosed
18:53with cancer
18:54and you really helped me
18:56I heard chemo helps
18:57more
19:01might want to
19:02step it up
19:06oh come on
19:07laughter is the best
19:07medicine
19:11unless you have
19:11cancer
19:20Trixie I want you to know
19:21that I was sexually
19:22molested too
19:23and my molester used to
19:24smoke parliaments
19:25and to this day
19:26when I smell cigarette smoke
19:27my pussy tightens up
19:34and I'm just like
19:39you want me to sign
19:40your trucker hat
19:41or
19:51I don't know
19:52if I can help you
20:01people say
20:02all kinds of crazy shit
20:03to us at meet and greets
20:04I was at a meet and greet
20:05with Bob the drag queen
20:09yeah we get it
20:09he's not like you
20:11um
20:13did you guys forget
20:14to invite your black
20:15friends tonight
20:15or
20:19although I know
20:19exactly what's happening
20:20it's always some white girl
20:21with her black friend
20:22giving full show choir
20:23black friend
20:30but I was at a meet and greet
20:31with Bob
20:32and this girl gets up to us
20:33and Bob goes
20:34can you turn the flash on
20:35because I'm very black
20:37that's not the joke ma'am
20:38wow
20:51okay this section's on time out
20:55sorry
20:58you guys are the new middle
21:03and Bob goes
21:04can you turn the flash on
21:05because I'm very black
21:06black and the girl goes
21:07stop it Bob
21:08you're beautiful
21:16I was like
21:18first of all
21:18you're racist
21:22second of all
21:23you are lying to her
21:27I was doing
21:28Grindr's Christmas party
21:29I know very A-list
21:31and they were like
21:32okay
21:32we want Trixie to wear
21:33all red
21:34and we're gonna have
21:34employees sit on her lap
21:37I was like
21:38what if I wore
21:39all white
21:39and nobody touches me
21:43and they were like
21:44okay
21:47Merry Christmas
21:53and it's not getting easier
21:55as I get older
21:56you guys
21:57I'm getting older
21:57my body's changing
22:01I'm shifting back
22:02into a bag of leaves
22:09by the way
22:10you guys are really good fans
22:11I say some crazy shit
22:12like I'm turning into leaves
22:13and you guys are like
22:14yeah girl
22:14we're all leaves
22:15what the fuck
22:16is she talking about
22:20and I always wanted
22:21to be one of those people
22:21where I'm getting older
22:22and people go
22:23you are aging well
22:25instead they go
22:26you are aging
22:29well
22:32like look at me
22:33from season 7
22:34of Drag Race
22:34to All Stars
22:35it's like Tom Riddle
22:36Voldemort
22:41he said Voldemort
22:42yeah
22:48get this the hell
22:49out of here
22:50can you just
22:51I can't walk
22:51can you just grab that
22:55we all float
22:56Georgie
23:00I'm getting older
23:01you guys
23:01and out of drag
23:02I have a very
23:02distinct look
23:03you know
23:05some would say
23:05I look like
23:06Patrick Stewart
23:06as a gay farmer
23:10some say
23:10I look like
23:11an ASL interpreter
23:12who moonlights
23:13as a Klan member
23:20I think I look
23:21like Caillou
23:22with fetal alcohol
23:23syndrome
23:31but I started
23:33losing my hair
23:33very young
23:34so I thought
23:34okay
23:34if I shave my head
23:36I will look the same
23:37forever
23:37so I shaved my head
23:38I thought I would
23:38look like Vin Diesel
23:39instead I'm just
23:40Bobby Hill
23:45and nobody tells you this
23:46anybody have a shaved head
23:47it's a lot of fucking
23:48work isn't it
23:49I just do chemo now
23:51it's just
23:56it's just easier
24:01already got your money
24:06Men's Health Magazine
24:07also says
24:07if you can't smell toast
24:08it means you're gonna have a stroke
24:09within three months
24:10so every day I wake up
24:11I burn the shit
24:12out of some bread
24:13and just
24:15we're good
24:20I would like to stay alive
24:21I mean dying
24:22dying affects you the least
24:24dying affects the people
24:25around you
24:26when you die
24:26you don't care
24:27you're peace out
24:28A-town
24:28but when you die
24:35it affects the other
24:36people around you
24:37like I remember
24:38my ex-boyfriend's mom
24:40passed away of lung cancer
24:41and I found out
24:42because the Netflix
24:43I've been stealing
24:44for three years
24:45expired
24:51thank you
24:54I was like
24:55really Tammy
24:56you couldn't have held on
24:57until I found out
24:58if they made him
24:58a murderer or not
25:0129 years old
25:02ladies
25:03my erection
25:07I know I have so many fans
25:08that are teen girls
25:09and I always wonder
25:10how they relate to me
25:10they're like
25:11my fucking erection
25:12too Trixie
25:18relatable goals
25:19AF mom
25:23I mean
25:2429 years old
25:25I mean
25:26my erection
25:26my boyfriend
25:27his dick is hard
25:28before
25:29during
25:29and even way
25:30after sex
25:31his dick is still
25:32porn star erect
25:33the entire event
25:35his dick is like
25:36if you're having
25:37a house party
25:37and everybody went home
25:39but there's that
25:39one girl
25:42she's sitting
25:43at the end of your bed
25:44drinking a PBR
25:45going
25:45I think I'm gonna
25:46get bangs
25:49she's doing that
25:50drunk white girl thing
25:50where she pulls her
25:51ponytail up to the front
25:52bangs
25:5829 years old
25:59for me to get
25:59my erection
26:00I had when I was
26:01like 20
26:01I need like
26:02three friends
26:03and four candles
26:04light as a feather
26:05stiff as a board
26:06light as a feather
26:06stiff as a board
26:07light as a feather
26:07stiff as a board
26:12I know
26:13that was a pretty
26:14well crafted joke
26:23and sexually
26:24guys
26:24I am changing gears
26:25I'm like
26:26is there a way
26:27we can do this
26:28where we're both
26:28on our backs
26:33put our dicks
26:34on a couple
26:35Roombas
26:35and hope they
26:36find each other
26:37somewhere in the room
26:39and I know
26:40that sexually
26:41I'm only losing
26:42appeal
26:42the other day
26:43my boyfriend
26:43woke up
26:43and was like
26:44oh baby
26:45your hole
26:45felt so tight
26:46last night
26:47I was like
26:48I gave you
26:49a blowjob
27:05I mean at 29
27:07I'm only swallowing
27:08because if I get up
27:09to spit
27:09my knees pop
27:18I'm like
27:23he's like
27:24babe
27:24are you okay
27:25I'm like
27:25I'm just shuffling
27:26a deck of cards
27:26go back to sleep
27:33and the thing
27:34about drag
27:35is
27:35it only
27:35ages you
27:36faster
27:38I was outside
27:38the theater today
27:39and like full face
27:39and someone was like
27:40are you just
27:41dressed up for fun
27:46I was like
27:47that's not a thing
27:49I do a lot of
27:49family events
27:50and it's always
27:50rich white people
27:51and their kids
27:53Trixie
27:53can we have a picture
27:53with our kids
27:54Eden
27:54Aiden
27:55and Iden
27:59no
28:01I was doing
28:02a family event
28:02you guys
28:03and they had
28:03aerial artists
28:03who hang from
28:04the ceiling
28:04you know
28:04on those ropes
28:05that whole fucking show
28:06I wanted to wrap
28:06that rope around my neck
28:07it's all for you
28:08Damien
28:17of course
28:18I take a picture
28:18with the kid
28:19I'm like
28:19stay in school
28:20kid
28:21I got my BFA
28:23and look at me
28:24now
28:28someday
28:28Simba
28:30everything the light
28:31touches
28:32will be yours
28:36but I'm kind of
28:36a public figure
28:37you know
28:37I get roped
28:38into the kid thing
28:38people are like
28:39Trixie
28:40are you pro-life
28:40are you pro-choice
28:42I'm like
28:43listen
28:43I'm gay
28:46we douche
28:49we don't even
28:50carry a bowel
28:51movement
28:52to full term
29:04the straight girls
29:05are like
29:05Trixie
29:06is serious
29:09anybody here
29:10with a kid
29:10tonight
29:12they're like
29:12I'm not answering
29:13now
29:15they're so young
29:15I mean
29:16parents
29:16anybody parents
29:17are you parents
29:17parents
29:18okay
29:19I mean
29:19it is really
29:20incredible
29:21kids start out
29:22fucking stupid
29:25you have to
29:26teach them
29:27everything
29:28my friend
29:28volunteers as
29:29Santa for
29:30homeless kids
29:30in New York
29:31right
29:31it's so sweet
29:32guess what
29:33the number
29:33one thing
29:33is
29:34homeless kids
29:34ask for
29:35for Christmas
29:36I'll give you
29:37a hint
29:37not a home
29:45an iPhone
29:47it's like
29:48where are you
29:48going to charge
29:49it Billy
29:59think it
30:00through
30:00do it
30:01right
30:14what they don't
30:15tell you about
30:15having kids
30:16I mean
30:16if you're gay
30:16and you want
30:17kids
30:17it takes a lot
30:18of fucking
30:18work
30:19doesn't
30:19it
30:20thank you
30:20two snaps
30:23and I snap
30:24instead of clapping
30:25so you know
30:25how lazy
30:25I am
30:32having kids
30:33is a lot
30:33of work
30:34you want a baby
30:34you want a
30:35mother's already
30:35better work
30:35bitch
30:39like let's
30:39say you want
30:40to do a surrogate
30:40you have to plan
30:41ahead
30:42save money
30:43kidnap a
30:43teenage girl
30:47let's say
30:48you want to
30:48adopt
30:48you have to
30:49live in a
30:50nice neighborhood
30:50pass a
30:51background check
30:53kidnap a
30:53teenage girl
30:58and babies
30:59can be super
31:00fucking expensive
31:01if you want
31:01you know
31:02a good one
31:05I was not
31:06going to say
31:06white one
31:07oh my god
31:10you guys are
31:11awful
31:12besides little
31:13brown babies
31:14a
31:14cuter
31:16b
31:16b
31:17you don't
31:18have to
31:18save for
31:18college
31:19win-win
31:23because of
31:24unique
31:24scholarship
31:25opportunity
31:26you know
31:26what you
31:26guys
31:26wow
31:29was
31:30anybody
31:30spanked
31:31as a
31:31kid
31:31okay
31:32see
31:33when people
31:34let's look
31:34when people
31:35are spanked
31:35as a kid
31:36they're so
31:36weirdly
31:37proud of
31:37it
31:39I was like
31:40who's been
31:40spanked
31:41you're like
31:41yes I was
31:42once a week
31:43whether I
31:43needed it
31:44or not
31:48if I
31:49missed
31:50curfew
31:50your
31:50grandfather
31:51would snap
31:51me in the
31:52eye with
31:52a rubber
31:52band
31:54one year
31:54for Christmas
31:55my mom
31:55got me
31:56an envelope
31:56of anthrax
31:57merry
31:57fucking
31:58Christmas
32:02of the
32:02people
32:03who've been
32:03spanked
32:03would you
32:04spank
32:04your kids
32:06because
32:06sometimes
32:07they're
32:07really
32:07asking
32:08for it
32:08the kids
32:08are like
32:09oh
32:09thank me
32:10you know
32:19listen I
32:19was a
32:20hot
32:20kid
32:26total
32:27chilf
32:37can we
32:37talk about
32:38how
32:38Fina's
32:38cue
32:38is
32:39chilf
32:42she's
32:42backstage
32:43like
32:43chilf
32:43okay
32:44got it
32:46anyway
32:47that was
32:47pretty bad
32:51but anyway
32:52that was it
32:53that's a
32:53song
32:53bye
32:55but if
32:56you guys
32:56know me
32:56you know
32:56I'm from
32:57the deep
32:57deep
32:57country
32:58and I
32:58grew up
32:59with siblings
32:59I'm not a
33:00parent
33:00but I have
33:00siblings
33:01that are
33:01so many
33:01anybody
33:01have very
33:02young
33:02siblings
33:03okay
33:03when you're
33:04an older
33:04sibling
33:05you get
33:05to be
33:05parental
33:05without like
33:06the whole
33:07thing
33:07right
33:08and my
33:08sister
33:09you know
33:09we're from
33:09a very
33:10small town
33:10I remember
33:10telling her
33:11like listen
33:11you're a
33:11young woman
33:12if you want
33:12something
33:13in this
33:13world
33:13you gotta
33:14get out
33:14of this
33:14small
33:14town
33:15and go
33:15get it
33:16you know
33:17hopefully
33:18she doesn't
33:18want to wear
33:18wigs on
33:19TV
33:19because that's
33:19kind of
33:19my thing
33:21but um
33:22I wrote
33:22this song
33:23specifically
33:23for her
33:24and it's
33:24called
33:24little sister
33:37little boy
33:38supposed to
33:39do what
33:39he's told
33:39little girl
33:40supposed to
33:41polish her
33:41toes
33:42maybe they're
33:43together
33:43when they're
33:43older
33:44and all
33:44grown out
33:47daddy's
33:47supposed to
33:47put bread
33:48on the
33:48table
33:49daddy's
33:49gone
33:50and your
33:50mama
33:50ain't
33:51able
33:51are you
33:52hungry
33:52when the
33:52money's
33:53all run
33:53out
33:55tell me
33:56little dear
33:56if he only
33:57lived here
33:58did you
33:58really ever
33:58live it
33:59all
33:59cause you'd
34:00be amazed
34:01in the
34:01summer
34:01out the
34:02days
34:02the spring
34:03turn into
34:03fall
34:04just listen
34:05to your
34:05brother
34:05you can
34:06run
34:06in the
34:06cover
34:06of the
34:07night
34:07sky
34:07when it
34:08falls
34:10I know
34:10that you
34:11think
34:11that you're
34:11growing
34:12but you're
34:12just
34:12tall
34:21oh I
34:21gotta tell
34:21you this
34:23sorry
34:24moms
34:24I gotta
34:25tell you
34:25this
34:25I wrote
34:25that song
34:25for my
34:26sister
34:26right
34:26and I
34:26played it
34:27for her
34:27and I
34:27was like
34:27I wrote
34:28this song
34:28for you
34:28right
34:28I want
34:29you to
34:29hear it
34:29I played
34:30it for
34:30her
34:30and that
34:31fucking
34:31bitch
34:31could not
34:32have reacted
34:32less
34:35she's 18
34:36years old
34:36and her
34:37phone
34:37like
34:37whatever
34:38fag
34:38like
34:38no
34:41response
34:44so then
34:44the song
34:45comes out
34:45last year
34:46the album
34:46comes out
34:46the album
34:47went to
34:47number one
34:48and suddenly
34:48thank you
34:51and suddenly
34:52one of my
34:53friends is like
34:53oh my god
34:54are you the
34:55sister that
34:55little sister's
34:56about
34:56and she
34:57goes
35:00I am
35:03and when
35:04I first
35:05heard that
35:05song
35:06I
35:07sobbed
35:09so parents
35:10kids are
35:11also
35:11fucking
35:11liars
35:20tell me
35:21little dear
35:22if we only
35:22lived here
35:23did you
35:23really
35:23ever
35:23live at
35:24all
35:25you'd
35:25be amazed
35:26in the
35:26summer
35:26of the
35:27days
35:27the spring
35:28turn
35:28in the
35:28fall
35:29just listen
35:30to your
35:30brother
35:30you can
35:31run
35:31in the
35:31cover
35:31of the
35:32night sky
35:32when it
35:33falls
35:35know that
35:35you think
35:36that you're
35:36growing
35:36but you're
35:37jealous
35:40don't
35:41you're
35:45you're
35:49you're
35:50you're
35:50you're
35:53you're
35:54you're
35:54you're
35:55you're
36:03you're
36:04you're
36:06you're
36:08you're
36:08you're
36:08you're
36:09you're
36:09you're
36:09you're
36:09you're
36:09you're
36:10you're
36:14No homo-mobic fighting, thank god, thank god.
36:19I don't care if you don't like my hair because I know it's amazing.
36:24Do I have enough makeup on my chest?
36:26It's an extra cord.
36:27Do I have enough hands?
36:29Is there time to pull out?
36:32And I don't get too rude if you don't like my boobs
36:35because I know they're amazing.
36:39And I don't give a shit if you don't like my tits
36:42because I know they're amazing.
36:47Amazing.
36:49Woo!
37:02Get back in your seat, we can all see you!
37:05You guys, second half, woo woo!
37:10It's really fun.
37:11This is a cool weekend to do this because everybody...
37:13How many of you are not from LA?
37:16That's what I'm saying.
37:17You're all like, fuck this place!
37:20Because listen, I'm a country gay too, okay?
37:22I'm from Wisconsin.
37:23Anybody ever been to Wisconsin?
37:25You have?
37:26If you guys, if you've never been to Wisconsin, take a weekend, go for a drive.
37:31We have the most beautiful serial killers you've ever seen.
37:36Do you know what Jeffrey Dahmer looks like?
37:38A wavy blonde hair...
37:40If you guys don't know, Jeffrey Dahmer was a serial killer, used to take guys home from the club,
37:45give them date rape drugs, and then have sex with their bodies.
37:50Different strokes, right?
37:53But you guys, he was so gorgeous.
37:54He could have given me like a baby aspirin.
37:56I would have been like, I feel funny!
38:05But if you guys know your Jeffrey Dahmer history, you know that he was only interested in young men of
38:09color.
38:11So...
38:11Trixie Mattel.
38:12Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
38:18Guys, when I lived in the country, I mean, I was a gay kid.
38:21I was gay from day one.
38:24I remember the day I was born, the doctor was like, push!
38:27I was like, push it real good.
38:36You guys, I had one of those...
38:38How many of you young guys, did you have one of those gay voices where people would call and they
38:41would think that you're your mama?
38:45He's like, it happened the other day, yeah.
38:48I had it even worse than that.
38:50People would call and be like, excuse me, young parakeet, is your owner home?
38:56I'd be like...
39:03And I'll never forget you guys, coming out when you live in the country is very scary, right?
39:07Because your parents can hit you.
39:09So I remember I was sitting across my mom and I was like...
39:13Because that's how you say it.
39:14She could not have taken the wind out of my sails faster.
39:19I was like...
39:20She was like...
39:21Girl.
39:25I was like...
39:27I was wearing exactly this.
39:31When I was young in the country and gay, I was always wondering why people are gay.
39:35And experts...
39:36Hard candy?
39:37No, go ahead, bitch.
39:38You better eat that hard candy right now.
39:43What is it?
39:44Peanut M&M's?
39:47You better give me one.
39:53Literally one.
39:53Okay, no.
40:02I'm gonna save it and if I do a good job on the show, I'll have it later.
40:08Literally silence, he said...
40:12It's because people are used to seeing drag queens on TV.
40:14They're like, they can't hear us.
40:15Bitch, I hear you.
40:18Even when I'm on TV, I hear you.
40:23As I was saying...
40:28Experts hypothesize that you were gay because you're over-sexualized as a child.
40:32But I'm not gay because my dad touched me.
40:36I'm gay because I loved it, right?
40:40I'm kidding!
40:41I did not have a dad.
40:46No.
40:48I know it's hard to imagine I didn't have a male presence in my life.
40:53Experts also hypothesize that you were gay because it's genetic.
40:57But I don't believe that either because I could never get my brother to nuts.
41:00So I don't know.
41:07I mean now, people are so lucky now, young gay guys have coming out day.
41:11A whole day devoted to coming...
41:13Back in my day, coming out day was the day your mom discovered the history on your internet browser.
41:21But listen, if I wasn't gonna do drag anymore, I think I would love to be...
41:24I think I could be like the next Queer Eye guy.
41:26Do you guys f*** with Queer Eye?
41:29It is so good, but I think I could be there to ground them because they get a little far
41:32-fetched sometimes, you know?
41:35They go to someone's house and they're like,
41:36Listen, I know your family's falling apart because your parents died, so we had their bodies exhumed.
41:45Move that bus! Move that bus!
41:51Listen, Dave, father of two, I know you said you wear a lot of hooded sweatshirts because you're kind of
41:58hiding, not really making a fashion statement, so we thought we'd update your wardrobe a little bit.
42:03This is a Bob Mackie, backless, beaded, why don't you slip that on?
42:09I just think they're insensitive sometimes.
42:11It's like, listen, I know your family's falling apart because your parents burned to death in a house fire and
42:16at night you can hear them screaming from the burning.
42:20So we're gonna burn your mouth with some jalapeno margaritas!
42:27Can you believe who gave us permission?
42:35I'll probably stay in TV. I mean, when I first moved here, I had to get so much work done
42:38on my teeth.
42:41It's not the joke, thank you.
42:44And I moved here, and I have to sit on TV next to Katya, whose teeth are like perfect, like,
42:50she hits a meth pipe three years, perfect teeth.
42:55I carry a Jolly Rancher in my pocket, I'm like, was that one of mine? Oh my God.
43:01And I started paying attention to my teeth because I saw this commercial called The Tissue Test.
43:05Have you guys seen this commercial?
43:07It's two white ladies at lunch, not eating lunch.
43:12And one of them goes, I'm insecure about the color of my teeth.
43:15And the other one goes, just try the tissue test.
43:16You take a white tissue and hold...
43:19Don't ever do the tissue test.
43:23I had to do the Burger King napkin test.
43:35So I go to my dentist, and my dentist here, her name is Dr. Sun.
43:39She's an elderly Asian woman, she's also Bill Murray's dentist, so I'm kind of like the Bill Murray I'm trying.
43:47Dr. Sun takes one look in my mouth and screams over her shoulder.
43:52Cancel all my appointments for the afternoon!
43:56The dental hygienist looked at my mouth and goes,
43:59So were you like a pirate for a couple years?
44:01I was like, bitch, I'm from Wisconsin, be happy the gang's all here.
44:13People from Wisconsin, that's your gums slapping together?
44:15Yes!
44:19I'm like, just be happy they are holding hands.
44:24And no matter how well you take care of your teeth, you go to the dentist and they just body
44:27shame you down.
44:27And what's your home care like?
44:30Not a hook and a drill, Janet!
44:41But I became very aware of what I look like when I came to Los Angeles, you guys,
44:45because everybody here, people are...
44:46I mean, where I'm from, Wisconsin, if someone's hot, we're like,
44:49Daddy's hot, he's like a model.
44:53In LA, people are not like models.
44:56They are models who get checks in the mail from modeling agencies because they are models who model.
45:03And I'm a good looking guy, but me in that dating pool, I might as well be like a bridge
45:07troll.
45:08I'm like, would you fuck me?
45:14Would you fuck me?
45:20That was my Ed Sheeran, pretty good, right?
45:30And here, you guys, people are almost competitively fit.
45:33You know, people are like, I can't, I'm on a cleanse.
45:35Oh, you're on a cleanse?
45:36Well, I'm on a cleanse cleanse, I can have everything except cleanses.
45:42Oh, really? For dinner? I had a nap.
45:49And I don't know if you guys have ever gained weight quickly before,
45:51but you are the last person to find out about it.
45:58The last one.
46:01What?
46:02Okay.
46:04She's like, finally, one I get, thank you.
46:08She's also called Skinny Legend, I've been bored.
46:15But you guys, when you gain weight quickly, you're the last one to realize.
46:18I mean, you lie to yourself, you lie to your friends.
46:21My friends are like, Trixie, are those stretch marks?
46:23I was like, no, I'm a cutter.
46:27No.
46:30No.
46:35You don't realize.
46:36I remember I was at my boyfriend's house and I found like a little pair of underwear.
46:38I was like, whose are these, whore?
46:40He was like, those used to be yours.
46:46I'm like, oh.
46:49Well, let me just put them on then.
46:55I'll just wear them home like this.
46:58There's like a whole rating system here.
47:00You know, like my roommate's from New York and he's like, honey, a 10 in New York is only a
47:03five here.
47:03I was like, what if I'm a four from the woods?
47:08Do we get a scarlet letter or?
47:13And it all came to culmination when I was in Germany.
47:15Have you guys been to Germany?
47:17The clubs in Germany, people have no fucking chill, okay?
47:21I'm at the club and it was a party.
47:23And I remember I was like, you know when you're abroad and you just get like a sense of YOLO?
47:27You know, you're like, abduct me!
47:28Like anything.
47:34But I remember I was at a bar, a gay bar that had a dark room.
47:37And I was like drunk and I was like, I'm gonna do it.
47:39I'm gonna touch a dick.
47:40I'm gonna do it.
47:43So I got up the courage to touch this guy's dick.
47:46I reached out and got my hand slapped away in the dark.
48:01Just something in my grip.
48:03His dick read my palm.
48:06I was just like, he was like, ugly.
48:11Went to a proctologist appointment because Men's Health magazine told me that at 28 years old,
48:16I should start getting an annual anal pap smear.
48:20Do you like how I barely take care of myself until a men's magazine tells me to get finger banged
48:24by a doctor?
48:26And suddenly I'm like, your health is all you have.
48:33So, my boyfriend and I waited for three months to have sex for the first time, right?
48:38We had sex on a Friday.
48:39My doctor's appointment is on a Monday.
48:41Tracy, why is this significant?
48:42Because I go in there on a Monday for my proctologist appointment and I'm up on the thing
48:48and the doctor's in there, you know, looking for his keys or writing his name.
48:57It's a really long name.
49:00Never long enough, huh?
49:05And we had sex for the first time on a Friday and I'm in the doctor on a Monday.
49:09And the doctor goes, so, what'd you do this weekend?
49:13And I go, uh, actually a lot of what you're doing now.
49:22And thank God he laughed at you guys.
49:23I was like, I did not know if you were going to laugh at that.
49:27And I'll never forget it.
49:28He goes, I'm a proctologist in West Hollywood.
49:35I've pulled people out of people.
49:49Thank you guys really for staying with me all night.
49:51This has been nice.
49:55One of the great things about not dating anymore is you get to be in like this sort of,
49:58this like little bubble in your relationship.
50:00I guess you could say you're in a yellow cloud.
50:07And I wrote this song specifically about that.
50:12I can see us in a small town.
50:15Count the stars up in the sky.
50:18Count the stars up in the sky.
50:19I never thought that they could fall down.
50:23To your suit or on your tie.
50:25I cross the table at a French place.
50:29I lose my way into the wine.
50:33With your glasses on your pretty face.
50:36You can go up.
50:38Baby, we can float up.
50:39Say we'll never come back down.
50:42To the place in the yellow cloud.
50:46Yours forever thumbtack down.
50:49Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
50:53Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
50:56Say you'll never come back down.
51:02To the place in the yellow cloud.
51:04Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo.
51:10Days are running at a slow pace
51:13And all the glitter in between
51:17And all the fallout from the one race
51:20I miss American tea
51:24And I can see the picket fences
51:27And I can see you mow the lawn
51:30We got no fear and no pretenses
51:33We got nothing but our sunglasses on
51:37Say we'll never come back down
51:40To the place in the yellow cloud
51:43Yours forever, thumbtack down
51:47Ooh, ooh, ooh
51:51Ooh, ooh, ooh
51:53And say you'll never come back down
51:59To the place in the yellow cloud
52:02Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do
52:05Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do
52:08Do-do-do
52:12Oh wow!
52:16Well, thank you!
52:20So before I go, there's one song that definitely changed my life this year
52:25know you're sexy and keep slaying the game let the world remember your name feel your
52:32puss down deep in your soul let your body lose control hey kitty girl it's your world
52:40when you walk the street step into the beat hey kitty girl get your twirl in the disco
52:48heat you're the boogie buddy rock queen step aside i'm back again so hype so lit adrenaline i'm shant
52:54ja la say what that was good you guys were shitty
53:01i'm shant ja la say what did i take this first just to let you know don't listen to the
53:06haters be
53:07a bro because i worked my way paid my dues now i got the whole world singing out hey kitty
53:11girl
53:11it's your world when you walk the street step into the beat hey kitty girl
53:18get your twirl in the disco
53:22okay up next is bb zaharbonnet's part
53:28and it's too hard to do and sing at the same time does any of your know it by heart
53:32you in the overalls you know it by heart get up here you fucking bitch
53:47she's not going to you're not gonna up are you you better come up here in this
53:53fucking see-through shirt you fucking bitch she said i came ready
54:00you think you know this song yeah okay well just so you know there's a lot of people here and
54:04they
54:04are filming it so you know she's like make it good don't embarrass me what's your name sarah
54:10sarah put that microphone right here here i'm sarah i'm sarah and i'm not gonna
54:43fuck it up
54:48this is like a star is born
54:52but i can't really do anything for your career
54:56star is still born
54:57um
55:01you were so good do you want to do the second half too
55:03yeah
55:03bitch you better
55:08can you get me that m and f
55:13thank you
55:21you didn't give her one it's okay hey kitty girl
55:24but you're gonna do my part okay and i wrote it and i'm standing right here okay
55:30i got it
55:34by the way they're never this supportive for me so fuck them
55:38so we're gonna lead her in with kitty girl and then you're gonna do my part ready
55:41okay so we're gonna lead her in you relax while we sing to you hey kitty girl
55:45it's your world in the disco heat you're the book you better rock and see
55:50step to the plate i'm tricks with tug i'm a name in the game but i learn a well
55:53because i'm the mvp heading off to bat and i'll go to her base but i never tell that
55:56i got please like pamela i'm stepping out the box like shangela
55:59i got a long thick legs a tarantula and becoming an arrow i'm gonna hand you up
56:12get the fuck out of here immediately
56:21well sarah's a fucking liar she's like i don't know if i know it
56:32you guys that's the end of the show
56:36we've only been here for two and a half hours i know
56:39and honestly if anything tonight wasn't funny do you remember this
56:42i've already got your money i'm trickson mattel bye
56:59i can see us in a small town
57:03and count the stars up in the sky
57:05i never thought that they could fall down
57:10i'll do you sooner on your tie
57:13across the table at a french place
57:17i lose my way into the wire
57:19you
57:19you