- 10 hours ago
Zero Stars - Season 1 Episode 5 - Bulgaria
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00.
00:07Here we are. We're allowed to smash these cars up.
00:10I guess it's Zero Stars' version of sort of therapy.
00:13You can either have a bit of therapy, talk it through,
00:15or come and smash up a car in a scrapyard in Bulgaria with baseball bats.
00:18Yeah, also, I don't drive. I don't like cars. They run over swivels.
00:22When you put it like that, you're gonna get it!
00:25Ah! Oh, my God.
00:27I've always wanted to jump on a car!
00:30Look! There she is!
00:33Whoo!
00:34Whoo!
00:36Whoo!
00:38Whoo!
00:40Whoo!
00:41Whoo!
00:42Whoo!
00:43Whoo!
00:43Whoo!
00:43Whoo!
00:45Whoo!
00:46It's been a brilliant start to my trip. I'm ready for Bulgaria now.
00:50Whoo-hoo!
00:51Whoo-hoo!
00:52Whoo!
00:52We're here, baby. Most travellers avoid bad reviews.
00:56Let's see what the review says.
00:57One star.
00:58One star.
00:59One star.
00:59I've never seen anything more stupid.
01:01If I could give it zero stars, I would.
01:03But not us.
01:03I'm a woman in a man's world. I make up my own mind.
01:07I'm Sarah Pascoe.
01:08I'm brilliant at this!
01:10I'm Roisin Conaty.
01:11Come on, fishy, fishy.
01:13We're comedians, but more importantly, best friends.
01:16As someone who has received bad reviews, I will always try to look to the good.
01:20So we're turning the tables on the review sites.
01:22They were so busy typing in their phone only that they forgot to look out.
01:26And visiting places based on the worst reviews.
01:29Come closer. It's nothing to be afraid of.
01:31My review is 100 stars.
01:33But will this journey of salvation be a five-star funfest?
01:37I'm an absolute killer!
01:39Yes!
01:41Yes!
01:41Or are we in for a holiday from hell?
02:00Welcome to Bulgaria.
02:02We welcome you to Bulgaria.
02:04Welcome everyone to Bulgaria.
02:06Welcome us to Bulgaria.
02:08Welcome, people who live in Bulgaria.
02:13What do you think?
02:14It's lovely.
02:15My expectations were low because the man on the plane next to me,
02:17do you know what he said before we got off?
02:19He said, have you been here before?
02:20He said, no, and he went, it's dire.
02:25First thing he said to you?
02:26First of all, he said you liked my comedy, but I wasn't going to mention that.
02:29Yeah.
02:29What do you know about Bulgaria?
02:31What do I know?
02:31I don't know a lot at all, actually.
02:33One of my favourite people, a lady cleans my house, is from Bulgaria.
02:36Yes.
02:36So I've got a lot of Bulgarian trinkets.
02:38So it looks like I've been to Bulgaria already.
02:41Mmm.
02:41But I just like the merch.
02:43But it's no ordinary holiday.
02:44This is our version of a spa retreat.
02:47It's wellness.
02:49It's ceremonies that will cleanse us and then, you know, solstice with loads of women.
02:53So it's a bit like, I guess, like moon party in Thailand, but a zero stars version.
02:58I'm into all that stuff.
03:00I think it sounds right up our street.
03:01Yeah.
03:01Let's do Bulgaria, Sarah.
03:04Bulgaria me up.
03:05Sorry, that sounded filthy.
03:10Bulgaria.
03:11One reviewer says, do not come here unless you want to suffer in the most miserable way.
03:16We'll show them.
03:19We're braving 40 degree heat, taking one of Europe's worst rated trains across this former communist dictatorship on a zero
03:27stars wellness adventure.
03:28Get me well, baby.
03:33Starting at the capital, Sofia, we'll be travelling over to the city of Plovdiv and finishing in the countryside of
03:39Koprivsista for one of the most important traditional celebrations of the year, the summer solstice.
03:48But first, we need to find this terrible train.
03:53Oh, no.
03:54It's not just in another language.
03:56It's in another alphabet.
03:58Plovdiv?
03:59You're just going to shout it out.
04:00Anyone want to give us a lift to Plovdiv?
04:02We'll give you kisses.
04:05Hello.
04:06We couldn't understand the sign, so we need to go to Plovdiv.
04:10Two people.
04:10What platform is that on?
04:13Is the platform to Plovdiv?
04:15Because we don't know the letters.
04:17OK, you'll just take our money.
04:19Thank you so much.
04:21Oh, God, it's all still in the same language.
04:23Well, maybe we'll learn Bulgarian by the time we get off the escalator.
04:27I'm worried we're going to miss our train.
04:29Plovdiv!
04:30Yeah, but that's an arrival.
04:31I have no idea where we are.
04:34Genuinely, I think there's a train out there.
04:36Quick, quick, quick.
04:37This is our train.
04:39Push me.
04:41I think I just did, like, the act out of help in there, but I actually didn't take any weight
04:45off you.
04:46We finally made it onto our train, which one reviewer has called slow, dirty and unreliable.
04:54Same, girl, same.
04:57Exciting to be on the train.
04:59Oh, it's like Ronald's World War II train.
05:03Yeah, it's like Agatha Christie.
05:04Yeah.
05:05Good evening, sir.
05:08Oh, gosh.
05:09That looks big.
05:10Yeah, it's very big.
05:11So, this is where we started.
05:13That's too big.
05:15That's too big.
05:16We started here, Sophia.
05:19Where is it, then?
05:20This is why we do it on our phones, because it's so much easier to drop a pin.
05:25I thought you were just getting into the whole, it's the 1940s vibe.
05:28I don't know what's going on.
05:29Find it, darling.
05:30Find it on the Met.
05:31How will we be able to help in the Allies' efforts if we can't even find out where we're going?
05:36We started here, Sophia.
05:38That's probably where we're going.
05:40OK.
05:41And then I'm looking for...
05:43Kopristita.
05:44Yeah.
05:44That's there.
05:46Kopristita is very small.
05:49It's romantic, old train, old way of looking at the world.
05:53Let's have a little look at the reviews, because I think this is pretty nice.
05:56We've got our own room.
05:57Yeah.
05:58Three times in the past decade I've used the railway, all three times the train caught fire.
06:02Oh, my God.
06:04Be careful where you sit.
06:06The seat might fall off or something might stick out from under the upholstery.
06:10That doesn't sound good.
06:12Is it a nice thing sticking out?
06:13But you might get pregnant by an old chair.
06:16Oh, God. Like a glory hole.
06:19Also, no AC.
06:21This just sounds like England.
06:23It doesn't sound anything...
06:24We come from a place we shoot trains.
06:26Yeah.
06:26I mean, compared to UK trains, we've got our own room.
06:29Yeah.
06:30So you think we'll get to keep it to ourselves?
06:31Oh, yeah.
06:32I guess it's only our own room, because no-one's in it.
06:34They've been put off.
06:35They don't want to sit with the yappy English broads flapping their map about.
06:39I don't know what you were going to say we were flapping about there.
06:41It started with the map.
06:44I guess that would be a lot creepier.
06:46If people come in here, you're in an enclosed space where we don't know.
06:50We need to look hard.
06:51Yeah, I'm going to say things like,
06:54yeah, yeah, I was covered in his blood, but they never got me for it.
06:57Had to be done.
06:58Had to be done.
07:03Hang about.
07:04Who the hell is this?
07:05Hello.
07:06Hello.
07:08Yes.
07:08Hello.
07:09Time for a fight.
07:10Or worse, an incredibly awkward social situation.
07:15Where are we travelling?
07:17We're going to Plovdiv.
07:18Plovdiv?
07:19Oh, we as well.
07:20We're going in a competition for arm wrestling.
07:22Oh.
07:23Is arm wrestling big in Bulgaria?
07:25Yeah, it's pretty much like top five in the sports gear.
07:29Oh, wow.
07:30I've never seen it in England.
07:31Have you?
07:32Like, professionally?
07:33No, just backstreet.
07:35Backstreet.
07:36Who's your rival?
07:37Who's your nemesis?
07:39Who's the person you want to beat the most?
07:41He's sitting in front of me.
07:43Oh, we've got two rivals.
07:45I bet Roisin would be good at this.
07:47No.
07:49No?
07:49No.
07:50I've got no upper body strength.
07:51But you've got a good grip.
07:52There is a wild...
07:53You haven't said anything.
07:56He's a big trade.
07:57Do you guys want to do it first to show us?
08:01Yeah, we can trade.
08:01Yeah.
08:03And someone say ready go.
08:05Keep it clean.
08:06Ready, go.
08:09Oh, oh, oh, oh.
08:10Oh, God.
08:11Let's get his hand on his leg.
08:12Slate nicely.
08:12Slate nicely.
08:15Don't get this in English trains.
08:18Oh, wow.
08:20So he was on the inside pushing you down.
08:22Well done, guys.
08:23Yeah.
08:24Oh, no, it's ruined his time.
08:28Exhibition match over.
08:29It's time to show these chances how it's really done.
08:32There you go.
08:36I've got no...
08:37No, you have your strong.
08:39You are.
08:40No.
08:41This is lots and a really long time.
08:44She's attacking you over the top.
08:45You need to defend it.
08:46What do you mean to defend yourself?
08:47How?
08:48I'm going to defend yourself.
08:51She's got me.
08:52I was trying to give myself talk.
08:55You do get a taste for it, don't you?
08:59I might have lost to Roisin, but at least we'd made it to Plovdiv without our train catching on fire
09:04once.
09:05We're here.
09:06Plovdiv.
09:07Station doesn't have any ramps.
09:09No.
09:10Marks it down.
09:12Do you want to hear some reviews of Plovdiv?
09:14Okay.
09:15Plovdiv is a dump.
09:16It's basically a working class city, a big village.
09:18Okay.
09:18I like working class places.
09:20Yeah, we're from working class cities.
09:21I'm a cook in Plovdiv and from a food perspective, everything here is monotonous and boring.
09:25That's someone who lives here slagging it off.
09:28Did they say they were a cook?
09:29Yeah.
09:29Why don't they cook something else?
09:30Cook something else.
09:31Yeah.
09:32I'm a fashion stylist and I hate the clothes I design people.
09:36Let's not talk about Dan Plovdiv and the Heat, another summer of torture.
09:40Oh, that was this year, that was written.
09:43Some of these people just sound like they've never been to a city before.
09:45Yeah.
09:46Shall we go?
09:46Sarah, it is really hot though.
09:48I know.
09:50Built around Seven Hills, Plovdiv was established in 6000 BC
09:54and we're staying in the old town.
09:56Hopefully they've redone the bathroom since then.
09:59Here it is.
10:01Hiya.
10:02Old legends.
10:03That's our gang name, isn't it?
10:06And we've been called worse.
10:08Do you want to hear some reviews of the hotel?
10:10Go on then.
10:10Okay.
10:12One star.
10:13Dilapidated hotel.
10:14No services.
10:16Ghostly breakfasts.
10:17Sick.
10:18The rooms are old and eerie.
10:20One star.
10:21Complete parody.
10:22The rooms are like a monastery.
10:23Stuffy, oppressive and very eerie.
10:25That's come up twice now.
10:27One star.
10:28You book a masonette for six people, then you get Count Dracula's apartment for four people.
10:32I'd pay more for that, to be honest.
10:34Count Dracula's apartment?
10:35These people sound like they stay in holiday inns, very clinical.
10:39I stay in holiday inns, very clinical.
10:41I know.
10:41I know you do, Sarah.
10:43It doesn't look bad.
10:44Let's go and find out.
10:45It looks quite gothic-y.
10:46Yeah.
10:47I'm not against it.
10:48It's a lot of stairs.
10:49Yeah, it's not going to have a lift though, is it?
10:51Dracula's not going to help us with our bags, is he?
10:54You all right?
10:55No.
10:57It's another load of stairs.
11:01I don't care.
11:01I've bought too many shoes.
11:05Okay.
11:06It's very brown.
11:07It's got a floor on the ceiling.
11:09Yeah.
11:10It feels like a Victorian child's doll's house.
11:12I don't like this room.
11:14No, let's go to have a look at the other one.
11:15I'm spooked out by the old legends hotel.
11:19Oh, God.
11:20This one might be even worse.
11:22It looks like the kind of hotel that a spider would design.
11:24For other spiders to live in and scare people.
11:27Do you like this aesthetic?
11:29I'm not against it.
11:30It just looks very Bulgarian.
11:32I think that's spooky.
11:33What's there?
11:34Like a statue's been taken down.
11:35Okay, I can see.
11:36That's quite alter-y.
11:38This bath is spooky.
11:40Roisin, in this room, I feel like a ghost.
11:43That bath is not for ghosts.
11:45That is a sexy bath.
11:46You're in the bath.
11:47Sink in a cupboard, anyone?
11:48I think that's very good.
11:50Sink in a cupboard?
11:51Yeah.
11:51Who wants to see a sink?
11:52It is eerie.
11:54It's not eerie.
11:55These people don't know eerie.
11:57I mean, I'd say that's one of the worst things.
12:00Okay, that's kind of eerie.
12:03Finally.
12:03I can't remember what was in the other room, but I think I want that one.
12:06I find it very eerie.
12:08And I don't know why, when they've had that feedback so many times, they've not changed it.
12:12Why have they left that old spooky cot there?
12:15Throw it away.
12:18Help me, Roisin.
12:22Karen, why are you...?
12:23Help me, Roisin.
12:25What do you mean?
12:26I'm locked out of my room.
12:28Utter creep.
12:29You were hoping to see me in the bath.
12:30I was.
12:31I know you were.
12:32I wasn't.
12:33Get out of here!
12:41We're in Bulgaria on a wellness journey.
12:44We do think our hotel might be haunted, so to ward away any evil spirits, I've signed
12:49us up to a traditional dance class, which claims to get rid of bad energy.
12:57I've got reviews of this.
12:59Are you ready?
13:00I don't know.
13:00Are you ever ready for this sort of stuff?
13:02Would you be surprised to hear this dancing's quite poorly reviewed?
13:05Hit me.
13:06If I stumbled across this, I'd be terrified.
13:10I swear those were Wookiees.
13:14This looks like something from my nightmares.
13:17Oh, Roisin, it's furry nightmares.
13:20Okay, let's go, find out.
13:22I do feel, like, frightened a little bit.
13:25Yeah.
13:25Maybe you're an evil spirit.
13:29Oh, it's a lot of bells and...
13:31Saucepans.
13:32Yeah.
13:33Like the old rag and bone man.
13:34Did you have one of those on a cart?
13:36No, I was born in the 1800s.
13:40Did you know King Henry?
13:48What the fuck are you doing?
13:53It's very loud, very jangly.
13:55You've got some hairy beasts and then you've got some Morris dancer types.
13:59It was a bit like a conga, a very basic conga.
14:02I like that dancing.
14:04I didn't find it that scary.
14:06But I imagine at night, if you're in a village in Bulgaria, and then you see one of those big
14:11fairy things, you would shit your pants.
14:16Wow!
14:18It's so hot.
14:19It's so hot.
14:19It's so hot.
14:20Well done.
14:22That was amazing.
14:23You looked a bit like my dog when he's trying to dry himself.
14:28Yeah.
14:29So the evil spirits would see you guys and be like, oh, that's too scary.
14:32Oh, yeah.
14:35The idea of the mirrors is to trap them inside.
14:39Oh.
14:40To trap them inside to scare them away.
14:42Ah, yes.
14:43You need more than one system, Sarah.
14:45You can't just touch up.
14:46It's like Ghostbusters.
14:47Yeah, sure.
14:47And you make these?
14:48Yeah, it's all made by hand.
14:50Oh, wow.
14:51Is it like a Christmas tree?
14:53A Christmas tree?
14:53It looks like a Christmas tree.
14:55It's very different from a Christmas tree.
14:57Yeah.
14:58Yeah, it's very colourful.
14:59It's like a Christmas tree you'd get in TK Maxx.
15:03The reviews sort of describe the costumes as terrifying,
15:06but they were cute in real life.
15:08So one can only presume they were written by evil spirits.
15:11Can we try one on?
15:13Yes.
15:13Me and Roisin did want to have a go on the furry costumes.
15:16I can't get it on.
15:17It's too small.
15:19But Roisin's head was too big.
15:20I don't know how she got born.
15:22Would I suit longer hair if I've got extensions?
15:25LAUGHTER
15:29We have to dance away these evil spirits,
15:32so it's over to the Christmas tree boys.
15:34We'll follow you.
15:35Show us the dance.
15:36Clang, clang, clang.
15:38Clang, clang, clang.
15:40I didn't so much feel like I was warding away evil spirits
15:43as being like an uncool mum trying to dance with her teenage kids.
15:48Oh, thank you.
15:49He's like, yeah, now your turn, Roisin.
15:52Now you're a professional.
15:55I am into any sort of rituals you want to do to make you feel better.
15:59If you believe something works, it works for you.
16:02And I like it.
16:02I like a bit of showbiz if you're dealing with your traumas.
16:05Listen, go therapy or put the hat on.
16:11Thank you so much.
16:12I really love that.
16:13That was like an Essex wedding.
16:15LAUGHTER
16:16So this gets rid of all the evil spirits.
16:18So they're all gone now?
16:20Yeah.
16:20Perfect. That's great.
16:21It's good for the rest of our trip.
16:23I absolutely disagreed with the reviews.
16:25As an exercise in healing and wellness, I really like this.
16:28When I did my yoga retreat in Costa Rica,
16:30we had to burn sage and then write down a list of all the men
16:33who'd wronged us and set fire to that.
16:35This was much more fun.
16:37All that banishing evil spirits has given us a right appetite,
16:40so we've headed back to the old legends for a Bulgarian takeaway.
16:43I don't know what a lot of it is, but these things looked really nice.
16:48I think they might be cheesy.
16:53Smells nice.
16:54Yeah, really nice.
16:56I don't know if Bulgaria is famous for its food.
16:59Like, no one of us is on going out to get a Bulgarian,
17:01but tonight we did.
17:02Right, I'm going in my first bit of Bulgarian.
17:07It's delicious.
17:08Oh, good.
17:10Turns out we love Bulgarian.
17:12Five stars.
17:14Yeah?
17:14That is, until we hit a local delicacy too far.
17:18Nope.
17:19That's where I hid it.
17:20What was it?
17:22Pig's ears.
17:23Traditional pig's ears.
17:25I don't know if I can do that.
17:26Sorry, Bulgaria.
17:29Maybe we just like Bulgarian as a friend.
17:31I don't want to scare you,
17:33but I definitely just saw an old Victorian lady walk across your room.
17:36Did you know she was in there?
17:38That's Mavis.
17:39Hi.
17:40She's Bulgarian.
17:41She helped me with the food.
17:42Cool.
17:43You seemed scared earlier, but as long as you know she's there.
17:45She promised that she won't touch me when I sleep.
17:48Well, she's touching something now, looking right at me.
17:52What's she touching?
17:54Her really old genitals.
17:58They're see-through.
17:59Have you ever seen a ghost genitals?
18:00They're see-through.
18:01You've got heatstroke.
18:02I'm not.
18:03Mavis has got bloody heatstroke by the state of these genitals.
18:06I've turned myself off this food.
18:08Let me see what it was.
18:09I did see something move in your room.
18:10It's all jokes aside.
18:14Mavis!
18:15You saw a Victorian ghost wanking over you.
18:19I think you've got heatstroke.
18:23I know what I saw, and it was empowered, gross, and a little bit sexy.
18:29I have actually stayed in eerie places before.
18:32I once found a cheese sandwich in a hotel in Wales in the wardrobe.
18:37Whenever you open a wardrobe again, you're like, what will I find?
18:41Hang up the things that are going to get creased.
18:43See, look, even the wardrobe.
18:44That's so skinny and spooky.
18:47Why would you have such a thin wardrobe?
18:50I have seen ghosts when I had very bad sleep deprivation having my children, but weirdly,
18:54I only ever saw ghosts of people who were alive.
18:57It's like my husband.
18:58I'd see him around the house, and when he wasn't there, he was in bed.
19:01So I know ghosts are real, but I also know they're your imagination.
19:05This will probably scare any ghosts off.
19:09You wish.
19:11Mavis is loving that.
19:20We're in Bulgaria for the summer solstice on a zero stars wellness adventure.
19:25And today, we're escaping the city to a village that's got our name written all over it.
19:34Crapo Staro, baby.
19:36It's perfect for us.
19:37Let's move here.
19:38What's your address?
19:39Number one, Crapo Staro.
19:40Come see me sometime.
19:43Surprisingly, there's more to this place than just the name.
19:49How many kids come here on their school trips to paint on the buildings?
19:53Yes.
19:53The parents of the people who won the school live here.
19:55Oh.
19:56But they come on holiday to paint the village.
19:58Such a great idea.
19:59They do graffiti.
20:00That's John Lennon, definitely.
20:02Okay.
20:02And then there's a poodle.
20:04Karate kid.
20:05Sexy lady.
20:06So it's like local people painted with celebrities, I think is the theme.
20:09Oh, so she'll be like...
20:11Yeah, she's not famous.
20:11Sandra.
20:12Yeah, Sandra lives near here.
20:14Wow.
20:15I like it here so much.
20:16We went on a school trip to St Paul's Cathedral,
20:18and I'd have loved it if we'd been allowed to spray paint on that.
20:21So we're in Crapo Staro.
20:23The reviews are saying things like, oh, it's kitsch,
20:25or, like, don't go outside of the big cities
20:27because the villages are poor.
20:30But I wonder if this is a conspiracy, you know,
20:32because this is a really, really lovely village
20:34and maybe they don't want tourists,
20:35so they're writing these reviews themselves.
20:38Like, nah, nah, don't come, it's rubbish.
20:40And then keeping it all lovely for themselves.
20:44Since starting off as a destination for art students,
20:47it's become known as an open-air art gallery.
20:49And some of the work has been described as a moo-zine.
20:54Hello.
20:55They're really good.
20:56They're amazing.
20:57It's so characterful.
20:59Banksy would absolutely spunk in his pants.
21:01You get to go and see all this amazing artwork
21:03and some not so amazing.
21:04And it's funny.
21:05Some of it's funny.
21:06You know, I've been to worse galleries
21:07I've paid 50 quid for that I'm like,
21:09why am I looking at this pigeon's foot?
21:11Breaking bad!
21:12It's great, isn't it?
21:13And they've done the square.
21:14That's a tracing, basically.
21:16If they've done the squares.
21:18Yeah, don't be hypercritical.
21:20It's hard getting it right.
21:21We all use a bit of tracing now and again.
21:24What would be the worst person, beast or thing
21:27you could have graffitied outside your house?
21:30Theresa May's up there.
21:32Theresa May's up there.
21:34But it's the queen sitting next to a local person.
21:38That's nice.
21:39Should have painted that.
21:40Charlie Chaplin.
21:41Borat.
21:42Mr Bean.
21:43This is a comedy bit.
21:44This is where we should be.
21:45Maybe we will be one day.
21:48This must be one of the local people.
21:50Yeah.
21:50She wanted to be in it but then changed her mind.
21:52Her head's off it.
21:53Maybe she really likes her tits but doesn't like her face.
21:55I've got friends like that.
21:56Whereas I'm the opposite.
21:58Oh, Roisin, look up in the air.
22:00Can you see that massive nest?
22:02Yeah, so cute.
22:04Do you think they do the graffiti?
22:05I think they judge it.
22:06They're the art critics.
22:08We've arranged to meet one of the artists.
22:11Hi.
22:12Hello.
22:12Hello.
22:12How are you doing?
22:13I'm Roisin.
22:14I'm Sarah.
22:15Hello.
22:15Nice to meet you.
22:15I'm Vicky.
22:16What are you painting?
22:17I'm painting traditional Bulgarian strawberry candies.
22:21Oh, wow.
22:21From our childhood, yeah.
22:22How long have you been a graffiti artist?
22:24Ten years.
22:25Do you always keep it legal or do you hit the streets at night?
22:28I prefer legal.
22:30Or legal.
22:31And are we allowed to have a go?
22:33If you want, you can try it.
22:34Oh, wow.
22:35We've got black.
22:36Just black?
22:36You sure?
22:37Okay.
22:38What do you want to draw?
22:39I've got a really nice dog who's black and white.
22:42Oh, you're drawing mouse?
22:43Yeah.
22:44I want to do yellow.
22:45I might draw us.
22:46Well, we found a young woman spray painting a house.
22:49Her name's Vicky.
22:50We borrowed her spray paints and started having fun all over the walls.
22:55Okay.
22:56That's very sick.
22:57That's very sick.
22:58Really close?
23:01Really close.
23:02Okay, yeah, that's good.
23:04I think I might be the first person to ever do graffiti in wedges.
23:08I feel like it's something I've always done.
23:10Yeah, we've smashed up a car and I've been painting on walls.
23:13Bulgarian has changed us.
23:14I've made him look like an elephant.
23:16Oh, he's perfect.
23:17Oh, the yellow's runny.
23:19Wasn't expecting the runniness.
23:20If this is a sort of wellness journey for me,
23:23I guess it's sort of broken away the constraints of society.
23:26I am freer.
23:28Yeah, we're breaking some laws, aren't we?
23:30I'm not going to pay my tax bill.
23:32I'm finished.
23:33This is really abstract.
23:34It's like Basquiat, you know.
23:36I don't know anything about art.
23:38I'm just really talented.
23:40Oh, great tax.
23:41It's not my first rodeo.
23:42I'm Banksy.
23:43Delete the footage.
23:48It's insane.
23:49I can't draw noses.
23:51I can't draw noses.
23:52No, it's perfect.
23:53It's very joyful.
23:54Yeah.
23:55Spreading happiness.
23:56Also, I like the fact that now when tourists come through,
23:58they'll be like, oh, this is American politics.
24:00This is British politics.
24:02This is the shit bit.
24:03I've got a little special section.
24:05It's a modern art.
24:07That was exhilarating.
24:08Graffiti gang.
24:09Then we get into drugs, then we take over the clubs.
24:12Vicky, thank you so much.
24:13We'll leave you to your painting.
24:15Oh, thank you too.
24:16It's really lovely to meet you.
24:17Lovely to meet you, Vicky.
24:18Keep fighting the good fight.
24:19Stay out of those cells.
24:20Okay.
24:20You too.
24:21I think it's an incredible place to come.
24:24Doing graffiti was really exciting.
24:26And I can see why people get a taste for it.
24:28So, I don't know, it's now here for eternity,
24:31which sort of makes me feel a bit proud.
24:40We're back on one of the worst rated trains in Europe
24:43on our way to the tiny village of Kovprivsista,
24:46where tomorrow we'll be celebrating the Bulgarian summer solstice.
24:50As long as our train doesn't catch on fire.
24:55Have you got a big day tomorrow?
24:56It's the summer solstice.
24:58Yeah.
24:58Which is really exciting.
24:59End of it.
24:59End of it, they call it, don't they?
25:01End of it.
25:01End of it.
25:02I think it's going to be beautiful.
25:04In Bulgarian folklore, summer officially begins at Vinyovdin,
25:08a female-led festival of health, long life and tradition.
25:12It's crying out for a Real Housewives franchise.
25:17Summer solstice, feminine energy, healing powers.
25:22And this is the little cherry on the Bulgarian cake.
25:25Don't know it's a cherry yet.
25:27It could be a little turd on the Bulgarian cake.
25:30So we'll see.
25:31We'll have to taste that cherry.
25:32And we're really lucky because not many people get to do this.
25:34A lot of people don't get to eat shit either.
25:39One online reviewer thinks Kovprivsista offers nothing more than some old buildings.
25:45Well, we're here to prove that some things improve with age.
25:48Like us.
25:49Although we are a bit feeble.
25:50I'll just drag it down in one.
25:51Yeah, careful, careful.
25:52There we go.
25:55It's a very rickety platform.
25:57Very close to the tracks.
26:02Oh, fucking hell.
26:03Come on, man.
26:10Oh, it is beautiful.
26:11Very beautiful.
26:12Tell you what they don't like.
26:13Tarmac.
26:15That is...
26:16This is authentic roads.
26:18You look like you're in...
26:19You thought you were going to New York.
26:21And I love it.
26:21Yeah.
26:22This is the next Sex and the City remake.
26:24Just me walking down this hill precariously to my own death.
26:28And if I'm Carrie and Roshin's Miranda, this is our Samantha.
26:33Eleanor.
26:34Hi.
26:35Our host and guide to all things summer solstice.
26:38I'm Roshin.
26:40I'm Roshin.
26:40We want to show you our traditions, which you are sure you will ask with pleasure.
26:46Tell us.
26:47Oh, thank you.
26:49It's a very strong handshake.
26:51She's a very healthy woman.
26:53First on the agenda, making a Bulgarian superfood that's our ticket to hotness.
26:57Tell us, dear little girls.
27:01We met Eleanor straight after we got off the train.
27:04And just like any weary traveler wants, she took us straight into a blisteringly hot kitchen
27:10to make some jam.
27:11Can we make a sweet from rose?
27:13Rose jam?
27:15Yes.
27:15This is a beautiful sweet from rose.
27:17And for that, so nice rose bulbs.
27:19Oh, it's going to make us look really beautiful.
27:21And our skin is really nice.
27:23Oh, lovely.
27:27So the big sale Eleanor said was that it's going to give you glowing skin, get more beautiful.
27:34Not possible.
27:36So she'll have to try that on someone else.
27:39Our first task is to smush up some rose petals with lemon juice in a bowl.
27:44So far, so cottagecore.
27:45Feels like we're in Ghost.
27:47Yeah.
27:47Do you want me to come behind you?
27:48Yes, please.
27:50Ah, okay.
27:52That's not even the right film.
27:53That's 30 times.
27:57Sugar.
27:57And like any superfood, it's a whole pan of sugar.
28:00Oh, more.
28:01Mixed with some sugar.
28:03That's it.
28:04Now we're living.
28:05No diabetics can have this jam.
28:06Looks great.
28:07Have you ever made jam before, Sarah?
28:09I hope one day to have the time to do those kind of pursuits.
28:13And then your handwriting and your best fountain pen on the label.
28:16Very good.
28:16From the heart of my home to the heart of yours.
28:20That's what I'd write on my jam.
28:22I don't want that one.
28:24I want the pornographic car jam.
28:26So it's jam.
28:27Just spunking Willy on it.
28:29Yeah, that's it.
28:30So it's both gifts.
28:33The mix needs a few hours to set.
28:36But time is money, baby.
28:38So here's one Eleanor made earlier.
28:40Wasn't expecting it to be so pretty.
28:43Mmm.
28:45Wow.
28:46People should make more jam out of flowers.
28:49Mind you, she did put six or seven liters of sugar in there.
29:01Then Elena steps out and then she brings in the real heavy.
29:05Grandma Penka.
29:07She's got no time for our fruition.
29:12She's like, immediately, straight in, business, business.
29:15Okay.
29:20It's like, keep up with me or leave.
29:22It was like the bear.
29:34Bulgarian yogurt is the perfect pre-solstice pick-me-up,
29:38as it's thought to hold the secret to living to a hundred,
29:41and Granny Penker's certainly keeping things fresh.
29:49Sweet dreams, baby yogurt.
29:50I like that.
29:51That's my friend.
29:51Oh, that was nice.
29:54Oh, wow.
29:56That is...
29:57A little bit.
30:01A lot of yogurt.
30:03That's the yogurt-y yogurt there you've got going on.
30:06Thank you very much.
30:08As the only non-vegan between us,
30:11it was down to me to whack on the rose jam
30:13and grab the chance to live to a hundred.
30:16I think it's a good taste.
30:18It can be eaten without a bite.
30:21It's delicious.
30:27Do you like it?
30:29It's really good.
30:30Okay?
30:31Yeah, it's delicious.
30:32Really delicious.
30:33I've had lots of yogurt.
30:36This was, by far, the worst.
30:41It's really yogurty.
30:44Mmm.
30:45It landed.
30:47It landed like...
30:50lactose-y hell.
30:54No, thank you.
30:55I've...
30:55It is tasty, but it's delicious.
30:58We had a big lunch.
31:00We had a big lunch.
31:02And how often do you eat yogurty?
31:03There are people who can't live without milk.
31:06I'm not one of them.
31:07I don't love milk, I'll tell you.
31:10And I don't eat a lot, too.
31:13There are people who love milk a lot, too, and eat a little bit.
31:18I'll sleep.
31:18I don't eat a lot.
31:20What?
31:21What kind of hustle is this?
31:23What are you serving me?
31:24She's, like, loading up the bowl, like these clowns.
31:26I liked her style.
31:28The yogurty wasn't for me.
31:29I had a reaction to it.
31:30But the jam, the jam was delicious.
31:35Well, the experience has been fantastic.
31:39If it was a restaurant, it'd be poorly reviewed.
31:41But as an experience of learning how to make these things with people who do, you know,
31:46get ingredients from their garden, I really liked that.
31:48And I really liked them.
31:52The first star might not be the big apple, but between the sketchy grannies and the yoghurt
31:56snogging, we've been seduced by its charms.
31:59It's time for an early night to prepare for tomorrow's big solstice celebrations.
32:09I feel like the day has been amazing.
32:12It does feel like it's had a magic in it.
32:14I'm quite woo-woo, but it does feel like I'm under a bit of a spell.
32:17And the whole day has had that sort of quality to it.
32:19And what was in that yoghurt?
32:26It's our final morning in Bulgaria.
32:28Today is the big day, literally the summer solstice.
32:32And we've been invited to something so authentically Bulgarian,
32:35we couldn't find a review of it.
32:37Eleanor assured us it's really nice, but I don't trust her.
32:41No, no, no, not after that yoghurt.
32:46Oh, my God, it is actually heaven.
32:48Isn't it?
32:49Yeah.
32:49This is beautiful.
32:51What are we doing?
32:51We just woke up with these clothes delivered in our rooms.
32:55Beautiful.
32:57Or take it.
32:58What are we doing here today?
33:0577?
33:11And a half.
33:13That's a lot of herbs.
33:14Can't see us five.
33:16And it's meant to be relaxing.
33:18It sounds like gardening.
33:19Are we going gardening in Bulgaria?
33:23Free gardening.
33:24So why so many herbs?
33:26Why 77 and a half?
33:35And is it a pagan ritual, then?
33:40I thought you were asking if it was paid.
33:42I think it's a small trick.
33:44Is this a paid ritual?
33:45How much per herb?
33:48So we're ready.
33:49Are these all your pals?
33:50This year's gang?
33:51Yes.
33:51They look like right up our street.
33:53Meet them girls in the smoking area, no doubt.
33:55Yeah.
33:56Come on, let's go.
33:57Come here.
33:57Oh, wow.
33:58We're here to celebrate the longest day of the year in this blistering summer heat, picking 77 and a half
34:04herbs to make everyone in the world well again.
34:08Thank you, ladies.
34:09Women helping women.
34:11I felt lots of good energy as soon as I arrived here.
34:14What a magical place this is to be having this celebration.
34:18You're connected to the land.
34:19You've got all of these different flowers and insects.
34:22I saw a frog.
34:25We're healing.
34:27Hello, hello, hello.
34:29Hello.
34:29Happy Solstice Day.
34:32This is lovely.
34:33I'm going to take my dress off and sunbathe over here, Roche.
34:39But sunbathing will have to wait.
34:41Those herbs won't pick themselves.
34:43I've got one.
34:44Are you getting started straight off the bat?
34:46Yeah, might as well.
34:4677 is a lot.
34:47Ready, steady, herb.
34:53Is dandelion a herb?
34:55I don't think so.
34:56I guess when it's 77, you can't be that fussy, can you?
34:59You've just got to stock up on everything.
35:00This is dicey in these shoes.
35:04I'm going to get some of this leaf in case it's a herb.
35:07It's two down.
35:0875 to go.
35:09My shoes are coming off.
35:11This feels dangerous.
35:12It's becoming clear this isn't quite the chill nature retreat we were hoping for.
35:17In terms of wellness, it would be nice if it wasn't completely straight up.
35:22My only problem with it is it's up the side of a mountain.
35:27Oh, my God.
35:28I can't get up here.
35:29I sort of thought, oh, it would be in a field and I had visions of us sort of running
35:33around,
35:33but it's a lot of just trying to stay alive.
35:37Fuck.
35:37Excuse me.
35:38Excuse my language.
35:41I don't know how these ladies, they must be like...
35:43Mountain goats in disguise.
35:44Yeah, just like well used to it.
35:46I think some of them are goats.
35:48It's unbelievable.
35:51Roisin may have finally found her footing, but between us, the herbs are playing hard
35:56to get.
35:56Has anyone seen any basil or, like, rosemary, thyme?
36:02It's not delivery, Sarah.
36:03I don't think we could just order it.
36:04I think we have to choose what they have.
36:06Oh, I think I've found a herb.
36:08Have you?
36:08No.
36:09There's no herbs here.
36:10Now, I don't want to start any conspiracies, but these women had cleaned up here before
36:16we got here.
36:17Their baskets were heaving to the brim.
36:19It was like Black Friday out there.
36:21I remember going, oh, you can't find anything.
36:22No, there's nothing left.
36:24You've literally cleaned the mountain.
36:34As the hills come alive at the sound of music, we're finally starting to relax into the festivities,
36:41unless they're singing no herb losers.
36:44The other women did do a lot better than us, but I feel really rejuvenated.
36:49I think the problem with a lot of wellness things that the Western people choose to go
36:52to is they just want to be pampered.
36:54That's what they mean.
36:54Whereas this is, heal yourself, pick the dandelion, hold the pine cone, have your feet on the
37:00earth, slightly damp from the stream you crossed.
37:04I think it's very nourishing in a different way.
37:10Very good.
37:11But it is slowing you down on the herbs.
37:1577 is a lot of herbs, guys.
37:19It's time to see if we've picked enough to survive the year,
37:22as our baskets are judged by the Simon Cowell of herb gathering, Eleanor.
37:27I don't know.
37:28Have we got enough, 70?
37:29No.
37:30No, no, no.
37:31I've got a lot of dandelions and pine cones, if that helps.
37:38She's saying that's not a herb.
37:39Put your hands out of me basket.
37:41This is my precious logo.
37:43Oh, it's very hard to get it.
37:44I should be putting me those first.
37:48And don't forget to make you a cup of these berries.
37:51They're very useful.
37:52You will be beautiful, beautiful.
37:55Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
37:57It's so fun.
37:58We will wait for a year to come back.
38:00You will buy a lot of berries in the herbs.
38:03And I hope you won't be able to use them.
38:06It feels weird we're leaving you on the side of a mountain.
38:14Looking back, I'm not surprised Eleanor didn't come along.
38:18No amount of herbs could keep us safe from the solstice tradition that she had planned for us.
38:22Wow, what a day.
38:24Something like this.
38:25This bit is where it goes there, full midsummer.
38:28They've got a cross and they've got a fire.
38:31They're going to barbecue us.
38:33Hot coals, baby.
38:36Wowee.
38:38Hiya.
38:39The grill masters are locals, Daisy and George.
38:42Hopefully they can tell us what's going on.
38:45What are you doing?
38:50Oh, you're going to dance on the coals?
38:52Yes.
38:53Why?
38:54What do you do it for?
38:55For health, for clothing, for a year of blood, and to our savior, Fr. Constantine and Fr. Elena, for health.
39:02Right.
39:03These two days help us to dance on the grass.
39:07Okay, lovely.
39:08We can't wait to watch.
39:09We'll go and take our places.
39:11We'll watch you.
39:12Okay.
39:15Nestinari is an ancient tradition which brave tourists have been known to try.
39:19And surprisingly, they don't always come out feeling healthy or lucky.
39:28We sat quite close when you think about it.
39:32It's an incredible ceremony.
39:34It's a mixture of pagan and Christianity.
39:36They were sort of giving prayers and bowing.
40:08I don't think it's clapping.
40:10What I thought watching them was what an odd hobby.
40:13It's impressive.
40:14Tiny little feet as well, but there's smoke coming off them.
40:17It also, without being disrespectful, it's a little bit like watching cats kick litter.
40:22Oh, it's exactly what it is.
40:24It's a big litter tray.
40:25Yeah.
40:26Just a little bit.
40:27What's it doing in there?
40:28Because that's the bit where I think we need to clean that bit out.
40:30Yeah.
40:36Thank you so much.
40:37You looked very relaxed when you were on there.
40:40Yeah, you both looked like you were in the zone.
40:58And how are your feet feeling?
41:02Look at his, Sarah.
41:04Yeah.
41:07You can try also.
41:12Daisy was like, oh, now you have a go.
41:14Probably thinking we were going to say no.
41:18It was just a moment of madness.
41:20It was a moment of absolute madness.
41:25I just thought, do it.
41:26That little voice is like, do it, do it.
41:28I think we should just run across it.
41:30I think we're just going to do it.
41:30She threw down the gauntlet, thought we'd be scared.
41:33So we had to prove her wrong.
41:39Let's not fall in it.
41:40That's the most important thing.
41:41Oh, yeah.
41:41Definitely not fall in it.
41:42Keep the faith.
41:47Okay.
41:51That's what it is.
41:52This empty brain, I can do that.
41:53Empty my brain.
41:54My brain's been empty for years.
41:58Okay, all right.
41:59Ready?
42:00Ready?
42:00Ready?
42:02Ready?
42:03Ready?
42:07Bird.
42:08Definitely got bird.
42:11I feel so healthy.
42:14I got bird.
42:15You did it?
42:15I swear to God.
42:16I didn't feel anything.
42:17I got bloody bird.
42:18I think I have such an empty brain.
42:20We did it.
42:21We did it.
42:25Oh, God.
42:31Wow, Sarah.
42:32This is very beautiful.
42:33I thought it was a good end to the trip.
42:35Do you feel different to before you ran across hot coals?
42:38I feel like the trip as a whole was quite restorative.
42:41I feel really proud of myself and very tender-souled.
42:46Yes.
42:47And I mean foot-souled.
42:48Yeah.
42:49You should be proud of yourself.
42:50It's good when we do scary things.
42:51But you didn't get bird, did you, on your feet?
42:53I was just a bit better at it, but don't worry.
42:59I'm going home from our wellness journey refreshed.
43:02From now on, I'm going to arm wrestle everyone I meet, vandalise property, and make my own jam.
43:09My review of our Bulgarian adventure is a calming four stars.
43:13Namaste.
43:15How did I find Bulgaria?
43:17Well, I've got to smash up a car, dance with some Christmas trees, and let's not forget, I'm going to
43:21live to be 100.
43:22So, yeah, five stars for me.
43:29This is such a great end to the wellness retreat.
43:31The thing is, though, while it's been restorative, we've worked very hard.
43:36Yeah.
43:36So maybe we should book a proper retreat.
43:38Yeah, and there's ants everywhere.
43:40There's a lot of ants.
43:41Yeah.
43:42But the ants are nine times the size of normal ants.
43:44Have they got you?
43:45They've got me right up the bum.
43:52They've got me right up the bum.
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