- 13 minutes ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:06You
00:39I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:44Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:48I told you not to come after me.
00:50James, she knows everything right now.
00:56You have terrible taste in hostages.
00:58Wentworth was the mall.
01:01Could have just as easily aimed a few centimetres higher.
01:06It wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:10Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:14Tell me, when it's just you, all alone,
01:19how do you live with yourself?
01:21Do you even know who you are?
01:33No.
01:33Line?
01:34Cut.
01:34Sorry.
01:35Sorry.
01:38Sorry, Helen.
01:40It's all good.
01:41It's all good.
01:42It's just, you're on a bit of a schedule.
01:44Yeah, that's why I was thinking.
01:45Quick reset back to once.
01:46I'll nail it this time.
01:47How are you blowing this audition?
01:49I know the speech.
01:50I know it.
01:51Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
01:56What is this, a prank show?
01:57You're wearing a hidden camera.
01:59That's funny.
01:59No, I just have a very particular process.
02:01I've got my head around it now.
02:03I'm ready.
02:03Sorry, guys.
02:04We just said we had to...
02:04Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:05Sorry.
02:06How was your weekend?
02:07It was good, thanks.
02:07How was yours?
02:07Great.
02:08Yeah, what did you do?
02:09Just, thanks.
02:10Thanks, Jim.
02:11Don't rush.
02:11This is my second...
02:12Stop it.
02:13Sorry.
02:14You know what?
02:16They didn't want to see you.
02:17I had to convince them.
02:19So this is on me.
02:20I've got a confession to make.
02:22I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:24It's the holy, muslin month.
02:27It's called Ramadan.
02:30This involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:33I'm lightheaded from...
02:34If I get a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:36Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
02:38Six tigs in a row.
02:40I tried.
02:41Just don't shame you didn't.
02:45Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:47We'll be in touch.
02:57You want to know what it's like?
02:58Doing the dirty work.
03:00Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:05I don't live with myself.
03:07I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:10The blood on my hands is mine.
03:12Because I kill a part of myself every day.
03:15If I don't know who I am.
03:18Because you don't want to.
03:23You knew it.
03:24You knew it!
03:26What's wrong with you?
03:29Do you know who you are?
03:30I'll tell you who you are.
03:33You're a fucking failure.
03:34You just shot on your last chance of being somebody.
03:38You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:40You are ashamed of yourself.
03:41Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:43You're fucking nobody.
03:44You're nothing.
03:44You're just a fucking...
03:46Dumb fucking...
03:47Pag.
03:56Um...
03:57Come in.
04:02I, er...
04:03Forgot to grab your mic.
04:07Sure.
04:15I, er...
04:17Uh...
04:17Uh...
04:36Uh...
04:46and just you know there's a photographer comes out front so i'm going to take you down the side
04:51oh get here the press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned and the whole bond rumor mill goes
04:56crazy sorry you know what i just realized i left my charger in the dressing oh i'm happy to come
05:03grab it another way are you sure thank you though thanks a lot okay
05:19you all right
06:01hey
06:03hey
06:03Dude, I know you. Mate, I'm a huge fan. Shit, you're talented.
06:09No, no, I'm not.
06:10Yes, you are. You're an exceptional actor and I want you to know that.
06:13Thank you, mate.
06:14Listen, can I get a little video for my girlfriend, Heather? She's like obsessed with you, dude.
06:17Yeah, yeah. Babe, check it out. Walking down the street, guess who I've been to?
06:21Dev fucking Patel.
06:23What?
06:24Dev Patel, just walking down the street.
06:27Say something about Slumdog, because you love Slumdog.
06:32It was an amazing honor to be part Slumdog Millionaire. It was a great film that people loved, that I
06:38loved. I loved that film.
06:39I mean, my family, my community, I mean, internationally.
06:42He's not Dev Patel.
06:45What?
06:45He's not Dev Patel. Look how short he is.
06:49Dev is tall, strong, handsome. Our Gujarati hero.
06:54Hello, Shah Jahan Latif. Are you at the Shah Jahan place?
06:57Who's?
06:59Shah's a... Shah's a... Shah's a... Shah Latif, Shah. That's me.
07:06Can we go, please?
07:07No problem, sir.
07:12Assalamualaikum, Mr. Latif, sir.
07:14I hope you are enjoying your Mumbai experience and the temperature is of enjoyment for you.
07:19I asked for an asylum ride on the app, so...
07:21Sir, just one thing. Where are you from?
07:24Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:27You are looking like a jihadi, but you are looking like a sphincter.
07:30Sphincter?
07:31Wait, that's a bar?
07:32You like sphincter.
07:33I just came to me like that.
07:34Sphincter?
07:34Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:35Come on, man.
07:36I appreciate it.
07:36Watch my bullshit, please.
07:38You're awesome. I'll show that.
07:39You fucking love it.
07:39Hey, listen, did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:41Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:42You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:44I did look. I'll be busy, okay? What do you always say?
07:45Bro, you're a dickhead.
07:48What the fuck is this doing here?
07:50I was gonna tell you, innit?
07:51Basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
07:53There's no brown dolls for saying that. It's weird.
07:55It's not a doll, bro.
07:56It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
07:59You gotta ask me before you use my likeness.
08:01You need to chew your tits. First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:04And second of all, you've got a hundred of these mini dildos lying around in the garage.
08:07It's not a dildo.
08:08You look like a dildo to me. And I need them for my fleet anyway.
08:10Fleet?
08:11Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:13It's 26, actually.
08:14Fuck off.
08:15Yes. Things have been going very well.
08:17There's some serious investors interested.
08:20What?
08:22You say, mashallah.
08:23Mashallah.
08:24Bro, if you're gonna say it, say it properly.
08:25Mashallah.
08:26Right.
08:27Investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro.
08:29Uber in London's already Muslim.
08:31Every next driver's named Abdi.
08:32Listen to me.
08:33We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
08:36And I want us to own this thing.
08:37Okay.
08:38And if you're strapped for personal right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:41I don't mind.
08:42Don't need any money from you, bro.
08:43Yeah, I got stuff cooking.
08:44There's no why I heard.
08:45I got stuff cooking.
08:46Where you got cooking?
08:46I can't tell you.
08:47It's top secret.
08:48I signed an NDA.
08:49You ain't signed no NDA.
08:51Non-disclosure agreement.
08:52I signed it.
08:53I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
08:54You ain't got shit.
08:54Bro, you missed the timing from mine.
08:56No, we didn't actually, because we're going to money above us.
08:58What?
09:01We know.
09:01Yes, we are, bro.
09:02Okay?
09:03You have not checked in on your mum in time.
09:04She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:06Bro, I'm not in the mood.
09:07Yeah?
09:07Can you just turn it around?
09:07Well, I don't care if you're in the mood or not.
09:09If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:13NDA.
09:28Come.
09:29Come.
09:30Yeah.
09:30I'll come in a minute.
09:32There's something I'll be in here is enough, you know.
09:34Okay.
09:35Just one minute.
09:36I'm coming.
09:42Tahera.
09:42I'm going to take care of it.
09:44Okay?
09:44I'm going to get a personal shopper.
09:47Yeah.
09:48Okay.
09:49I need my silver rally set today.
09:50No, no, no.
09:51Silver rally set?
09:51No, no. Thank you.
09:52It's fine, right?
09:53It's fine.
09:54It's fine.
09:55In front of me, auntie.
09:58Look at you.
10:00Look at you.
10:00All grown up, huh?
10:01Such a strong boy.
10:02Masha Allah.
10:03He's in the mood.
10:04He's in the mood.
10:04No, no.
10:04He's in the mood.
10:05Bye.
10:07Who's here?
10:08Look who's here.
10:08Who's here?
10:09Come on.
10:10Come on.
10:11Come on.
10:11Come on.
10:12I'll die.
10:15Two months, bro.
10:16Yes.
10:17A couple of weeks.
10:18I can't.
10:19I'm dying for this job.
10:20Like audition thing.
10:21You're dying.
10:22You're not keeping your rose.
10:23Oh.
10:24Oh.
10:26You should fast all year.
10:28You know what's going on here?
10:29My God.
10:30My mind has gone so many days.
10:32He bought a car in Dubai.
10:35He bought a car.
10:35He bought a house.
10:35He bought a hotel.
10:37I bought a hotel.
10:37I thought it was Marco Jackson when I came in the house.
10:41Oh.
10:42I didn't know.
10:43Don't worry about it.
10:44I'm fine, sir.
10:46I've seen something in Google Alerts.
10:47I've seen some time, right?
10:50Yeah.
10:50There's stuff going on.
10:51Don't worry about it.
10:54Don't talk about it.
10:55Don't talk about it, okay?
10:55Just tell me.
10:56What the?
10:59Well, I'm...
11:02Just to pray.
11:03Dua for you, Subha Samir.
11:05Dua for you all the time.
11:07Dua.
11:07Okay.
11:08Just to pray.
11:09Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:11It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:13Where are you from?
11:14I don't see the TV.
11:15I don't see the TV.
11:16Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
11:17It takes time to make a film.
11:18Yeah, but you don't have time to make a film.
11:20It's just the same.
11:22It's just the same.
11:22There was one scene in one film.
11:24You've been putting it on this newsreader all day.
11:25Why don't you come outside?
11:28Baba.
11:29Why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:31They're expensive.
11:32I've booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:34All the money I'm giving you,
11:35you won't have to take them.
11:37Hey, cousin.
11:38Oh, shit.
11:39What are you saying?
11:40No, man.
11:40I'm blessed.
11:41What's this?
11:42What's what?
11:43You're beginning to take out your tags.
11:44Oh.
11:46Is that you, yeah?
11:47Baba.
11:48See how your boy's spending?
11:49Give me that.
11:51Why are you at home?
11:52Quit my job, man.
11:53Manager was a dickhead.
11:54Hey.
11:54That's an evil thing.
11:55The big red water charge me.
11:56He was a weirdo.
11:57If you need work experience,
11:58I can sort you from Felicia, don't you?
11:59No, no, no.
12:00Listen.
12:00If you really want to help me,
12:01take me to Tazer's show tonight.
12:02Is he playing tonight?
12:04Yeah, why?
12:06I told you you can't wait for me.
12:07Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:0950% of my business.
12:10Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:12No, not really.
12:15Oh, my God.
12:18Oh, my God.
12:18Sharpa, you're going to be the next James Bond.
12:21What?
12:23Eh?
12:23Wait, wait, wait.
12:24It might be cut, it might be cut.
12:25Can I have a look at that?
12:26Oh, shit.
12:27No, no, no, no.
12:27It's legit.
12:28What the fuck?
12:29Oh, my God.
12:31This is crazy.
12:31This is crazy, bro.
12:32Wait, wait, wait.
12:33Chill, man.
12:34Check the website.
12:35It's BBC we contract with.
12:36What is Greg Daniel?
12:37What are you talking about?
12:38What are you talking about?
12:39It's just an audition.
12:40It's just an audition.
12:41I've been talking about Super James Bond.
12:43Listen, it's an audition.
12:44It's a photo from today's audition.
12:45What do you mean?
12:46What do you mean?
12:47What?
12:47His Bond is white.
12:48Why are you talking about it?
12:50Why are you talking about it?
12:51I'm the haram.
12:52Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
12:54He's talking about sex.
12:55What are you talking about?
12:57What are you talking about?
12:58I'm the haram.
12:59I'm the haram.
13:00You're talking about it.
13:02Listen, it's okay to be a little bit excited.
13:04It's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:06It's a big deal.
13:07Brown James Bond.
13:08She's proud.
13:09You're going to be mad.
13:10This guy's face is going to be fucking blasted everywhere.
13:12Imagine it.
13:13Imagine it.
13:13Daniel Kree got me 20 M's for the last movie.
13:15My shadow will get 21.
13:18Calm down.
13:19It's just an audition.
13:20Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:22Hello?
13:23Hello?
13:24Can you tell her to call me soon?
13:24She comes back in?
13:26Yes.
13:27Did you know that?
13:28I don't know.
13:30I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:32I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
13:35Yo, look at me.
13:37I'm proud of you.
13:38Yeah?
13:40Fucking James Bond.
13:41Come on, my guy.
13:42Let's see what happens.
13:42Of course.
13:43Do they know about the height?
13:45What do you mean?
13:46Are they going to give you special shoes?
13:48James Bond's big, isn't it?
13:53I'm just saying it for you.
13:55For you.
13:58Hey, Felicia.
13:59Can you call me back, please?
14:00I'm just wondering if the, you know, audition news league thing has helped me or, you know,
14:04fuck me.
14:06Okay.
14:10Anything?
14:10****
14:10****
14:11****
14:12****
14:13****
14:14****
14:15****
14:37Yeah, yeah, where have you been?
14:39Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed, what the fuck you think?
14:43Listen, did you call the pap?
14:44I'm not that clever. What are they saying? Are they pissed?
14:48Well, they are very surprised about how much you're trending.
14:53And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
14:57Fuck! Yes!
15:00You plus a female director is doing very well for the 18 to 34s,
15:03and you know that demographic gets them wet.
15:05Oh my God.
15:05So listen, sit tight and let this play out.
15:08Oh my God. Thank you, that is amazing.
15:12That's really, really cool. Thank you.
15:14God bless the internet.
15:16Yeah. So just one thing, we can't just see how this plays out.
15:20We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:22Sure, I just told you it's good you're trending.
15:25Look, I'm just thinking it should delete all the old music,
15:29just the really political bits. What do you think?
15:31As you're agent, let me deal with that stuff. You just need to act.
15:36Listen, there's videos of me online fucking pissing on a British flag.
15:40It's already out there. All you can do is own it. That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
15:45Yes, fresh blood, so new fans for the great old institution.
15:48Listen, don't fight the thing that got you here, you know.
15:49Huh. Okay, okay. So what are you saying? Maybe I should lean into it?
15:54Or, because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
15:57I could maybe do a little thing there.
15:59There's nothing to lean into. You just are. Listen, just don't do anything and stay home.
16:04Yeah, yeah, yeah. Done.
16:39I can't do anything.
16:42oh shit hey what are you doing here me what are you doing you know everywhere today
16:52pretty cool isn't it
17:10oh what's good look who's back on the street
17:12hey man bro brick shop what's up bro this blew up huh yeah they ain't put it working
17:18how many you killed it man what are you saying amy yes what are you doing here bro are you
17:23meant to be protecting gulf from city right now well no sir not gendarme oh don't you know
17:26turning you back man it's not bad man strings but hey brav easy with the Hollywood big man
17:32shit but this is just an audition you know what we need to do this right now
17:38It's sick man, alright it's good to see you, I'm just thinking
17:41What? Forget it, forget it, it's cool man
17:42Nah, nah, nah, I'm just, hold on, I just had a mad thought, like wouldn't it be sick if I,
17:47um
17:49If I warmed up for you though tonight
17:51Cause I think the crowd would love it, it'd be like a reunion, it'd be like old times bro
17:54Like how dare you bro, you know, nothing, you just, you come back
17:57You act like you fucking own this place, walking through here all like, look at me, look at me
18:02Bravo, I didn't, I didn't mean it like that, I didn't mean it
18:08You're a dickhead, you're a dickhead
18:10I can't act to hustle man, yo, maybe, uh, yeah
18:14I was thinking maybe I could come through the crowd, like, um, you know, like the old days
18:17Paul, I'll meet you on stage with a mic
18:18Watch out man, uh, there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now
18:22Just don't pay attention to it, alright, it's all bullshit
18:27London, are you ready for a taste?
18:36Oh my God all absolute but I'm gonna make all the guys
19:03MC Redshaw!
19:29Let's go!
19:35We have lost.
19:37We will forgive everyone.
19:42Yes, we will forgive.
19:44Allah will not allow us.
20:08R.S.A.N.A.M.I.
20:10Fuck.
20:12Fuck.
20:13Yeah.
20:14007.
20:20Fuck.
20:35007.
20:44Sha Lateef!
20:45Welcome to Sir Chatterick Stewart.
20:47With me, Sir Patrick Stewart.
20:49It's an honor to be here.
20:50The honor is all mine.
20:52I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast,
20:55but few who have had such an eventful 24 hours.
20:59It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:01Now, I know a Bond or two.
21:03Daniel Craig's dear friend big shoes to fill do you think you're up to the job
21:11yes yes I do now more than ever I'm ready to show the world that I've caught
21:17it takes
21:23yeah not to worry how are you thank God good at least she tells me you do
21:28security for the top wankers yeah I'm always happy to take on a few up and
21:33coming wankers as well do you do personal because I might have an event
21:38tonight yeah let me do the full service even got a food taster if you need one
21:41there you are let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards
21:43yeah so how's this two points of entry hostile object into the front bay
21:48window those and the doors may be reinforcing and I was thinking maybe
21:50some visual deterrence along the perimeter if you have the bodies 60 friendlies
21:55expected tomorrow oh you really noticed that well I played the translator in
22:00homeland season seven yes yes yes you did they got a lot of shit wrong on that
22:04sir come on okay so you're uh your guests are for ideal fit here I presume yeah yeah
22:09okay yeah yeah just want to make sure everyone feels safe yeah come on sure
22:13oh it might make more sense for you to start off upstairs and it's hard to
22:17defend a position at higher altitude isn't it yeah okay well I'll take my shoes off and
22:21come upstairs yeah you agree you can't really act this role part of you has to be it
22:27absolutely absolutely yeah luckily I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various
22:35kinds whether in the public eye or on the home front as it were yep you just got
22:41no mandarin oriental thank you for stopping out felicia I'll speak to you later about the
22:45caller all right why what are you showing me right now it's a hotel okay they do three
22:48stays for celebs like michelle yo dig a d fucking mufwes nanny and bro your followers are
22:55blowing up okay it's a five-star safe house all of us one week is free obviously minus my costs
22:59but yeah we're not going to a hotel I'm dealing with it I'm not gonna get anything happen to you
23:05you don't need to be afraid I'm not afraid talking about man
23:18what the fuck's all this what does it look like security costs I told you that I had security
23:22sorted so chill your pum pum out learn from the mandarin it's not fucking movie yeah is it
23:26what you want to ask where you got this from all this Allah provides bro does he yes does he
23:32provide
23:33discount rate mujahideen as well I know these guys well they're too thick to make it into ISIS
23:36which ISIS ISIS K ISIS L OG ISIS they've got different standards I've heard
23:45they're only PhDs do they they're hardest fucking they're committed akbir
23:50I'm not trying to start a madrasa yeah I'm just trying to bring in some real actual protection
23:54if you can just listen to me for once if I want your fucking protection I'll ask for your extra
23:57small condoms you like that one of the tiny lonely yeah stop pressing me cuz I'm going to chat to
24:02a
24:02bar we have to discuss this doing my duck doing every day
24:07what are you doing any fucking bag of one could just walk in that's because you've taken off the
24:13back door that's why I've hired a professional I'm not doubting that I'm just if you let me do it
24:18then you'll be better for everyone Sean got me to the rescue is it how do you understand
24:23shah shah better shall you better be a janu and help me take this to the car
24:27I I I 60 people's a lot for it your mommy needs my help
24:35what are you doing what I chill mommy bastard you chill 20 fucking years she's been trying to steal
24:42eat already drinking a candy swelling kebabs yeah I like kebabs
24:46you know I'm here Naila are they do this is a joint effort now just doing my part
24:52I don't know you have done already so much shah ju take the pots inside why are you giving
24:58It's nothing, Daira. I was telling you, I could be doing so much more.
25:02Last night, sadly, it's no longer safe here, right?
25:05Why not move into my house?
25:07Who's not safe?
25:09Everybody, stop!
25:10Can you stop, please, Baba?
25:11Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:12Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:13Right, let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:15What's your plan, yeah?
25:16What?
25:16Our source and our protection.
25:18Who does free me for nonce?
25:19I'm not a nonce.
25:19Should've gone to the hotel.
25:21Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:23Look, Daira.
25:24Nothing is ready.
25:24House won't be ready, food won't be ready.
25:26Naila, Naila, please, Shahju.
25:27Sorry, guys, the Prophet, please be upon him.
25:30Sorry, sir.
25:31Exactly, exactly.
25:32He said it best when he said,
25:34Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
25:38My guy, he knows his stuff.
25:40You gotta hand it to him.
25:40I just wanna say that holy days like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
25:44so perhaps you should think about moving your Eid celebrations to a different location.
25:47Hey, Benchot, stop!
25:48One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
25:50I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture,
25:52especially after six doors of Afghanistan.
25:54He said it.
25:57I'm totally fine.
26:00I'm fine.
26:00They've been a lot of trouble.
26:01I've got a lot of trouble.
26:01Naila, we'll come back with you.
26:04Please.
26:05If something happened, then you're responsible for it.
26:08Okay, Naila?
26:16lovely to meet the family colorful lot are they they really get after it and your uh your brother
26:22he's seems nice he's not my brother he's my cousin but he was raised with us okay complicated all
26:28right well look this is for you as you quote although i would be willing to postpone payment
26:35you know in consideration of the future work because if my internet searches are correct then
26:40you will be needing our services a lot more in the future oh well let's um let's see what happens
26:45i'm just really reasonable could you just leave it with me i'm getting a few different quotes in
26:48that's fine okay oh so did you want me to uh provide a personal for tonight i can send one
26:52of my best guys what are you doing you asked me to do security now but tonight i did him
26:57yeah so
26:58well we needed thank you for coming by yeah no absolute pleasure yeah well oh by the way they
27:04stolen dash cams the uh battery life is so bring a charger all right you can have that for free
27:09cheers nigel why are you wasting your money on these render face bro i've had your back since then
27:24i heard you go into this garland tonight on your own or
27:30i've got a plus one i've got a plus one is it you've got any shoes on trainers can i
27:38range it
27:40oh get ready you fucker
28:02wait that is a proper go fucker that's a good job i came to babysit you ah bro you might
28:07be taking
28:07care of the muscle but i'm winning over the hearts and minds yeah but when you're in the
28:11middle of a culture war that's the real battleground big man how you gonna fucking battle them with your
28:15horny make-up face what you know the face that you do when you're on the red carpet it looks
28:19like
28:19you're trying to shag that camera but you're worried the camera's gonna shag you no i'm not don't put
28:22that in my head right now you're gonna put me off okay for confirmation because what is that yeah
28:27what man i look good there you look like you're making a pervy version of fucking planet earth
28:30all right let me just see something raj taka mother fucker is all right all right don't jizz on
28:36my level seats you can't afford to clean your feet okay listen let's just go there and smash it
28:39all right brother we are already fucking smashing it okay we are arriving in the muba prime experience
28:44look at this halal harry balls custom specifically branded zamzam water your little mini dildo on the
28:50dashboard cuz look at me we are arriving like this is fast and furious but without the four skins you
28:54understand oh come on let's get it cuz yes yeah you ready yes okay
28:59yeah come on don't do that on the red carpet i can't guarantee
29:14there's a lot of excitement but also some displeasure at the idea of a gujarati playing pond
29:21proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission how so oh it's why i want the role
29:27it's why i'm here speaking to you is that why you wanted to make a speech at the king's museum
29:32gala exactly to show people that this is what a hero can look like to show them that this too
29:38is what british looks like
29:44hey yo listen i support the team i support the team but when you finish tonight please
29:48get home with mobile okay that's for you sorry there's no service in your area
29:52i'm turkish you're turkish then there's service in your area thank you excuse me sister
29:56no
30:04i don't know if you want to know if you want to know if you want to know if you
30:08want to come on
30:08oh yeah bro you're ignoring me bro we gotta go man why are you going in there
30:14man so now you should be out here with us
30:17hey yo yo yo this way the photo with you what's the problem bro if i get a photo take
30:21with them
30:21it's not it's not the right image i'm going for right now all right the real change happens in
30:25here we gotta get in there listen i know you think you're his majesty's secret services i
30:31yeah but don't go full coconut oh yeah then don't go into father on me then
30:35you want to respect my guy keep it real okay why don't you respect this watch and learn
30:43you're doing it again i'm not doing the face you're doing the face all right let me show you
30:48um no you know what that is you look like a pedophile journal bro there's cameras why would you
30:53say pedophile because they don't have sound it's fault hi so happy really so glad to be here thank
30:58you this is my associate my god much i learned um can i ask um do i might speak to
31:04about my speech
31:04this evening oh we don't have you done us doing this well i think it's because i'm a lost a
31:09last
31:09minute addition so well if you're new house i suppose yeah she's our new director okay oh i i'm
31:16i'm guessing i have a plus one ah mr sufika early ceo of move enterprises i just think it should
31:22be
31:22like an official record i'm here tonight so thank you because where the have you bought us man this
31:29looks like the jaws bull sack you're from humble beginnings like me so how is your family dealing
31:36with all this the same way we deal with everything as a team together i'm proud to say that we've
31:41all got
31:42each other's backs bro this is mad yeah i told you bro i'll go stuff cookie assalamualaikum sorry
31:51all right you gotta find this vivian yeah yeah no point with being here if i can't get on stage
31:58yeah she's museum director yeah my god the fuck are you bro some evil bro look at this all right
32:04listen uh
32:05i'm gonna go work on her should we take team her what not like that i mean like you convince
32:10her
32:10together like good paki bad paki what would that be like oh like good cop bad cop i've got
32:16paki's yeah i've got this one covered yeah you sure yeah yeah yeah in a bit i'll be here
32:24sing let me tell you about this
32:36oh yes of course mr latif i wonder if i could borrow you for a moment oh absolutely although
32:40anything borrowed has to be given back now apparently what can i do for you mr latif
32:44i was actually wondering what i might be able to do for you there's nobody like muslims that can get
32:48you to where you need to be on time but we are on time for prayers five times a day
32:52if you call me
32:54can you give me to where i need to go i'll get you there this museum means a great deal
32:58to me and
32:58i saw you had a number of protesters outside yes and it thrills me to see young people engaging in
33:03a
33:04conversation about our shared heritage and culture in fact we invite this kind of dialogue is it a
33:09dialogue though if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide between those
33:12on the inside and those out there who's your name ali raza ali raza i'm feeling the iran yes yeah
33:18a bit of farsi my guy come on this we could be in that region i for one would be
33:23honored to get
33:24up there and say a few words about me about how um global britain truly is both in artifacts and
33:29its
33:29people you know i'm an ape indian i did not well what about yourself where are you from london you're
33:35from london you sound wait originally from london but i understand your latest acquisition is is from
33:41a muslim country yes but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight they don't just belong to islam
33:46they belong to us all so i can go up and say a few words i'll be very brief no
33:50miss latif that's
33:52simply not how we do things around here this isn't a pop-up banksy exhibit besides we already
33:56have our dear friend raj takar giving a speech enjoy your evening
34:07and now to the more uncomfortable part of our chat you didn't think this was going to be all
34:13softballs did you raj takar your rival i wouldn't call it that come on come on you can be honest
34:20i
34:21can't be in the same room as ian magneto mckellen oh sorry sir ian magneto mckellen i just think that
34:28there's plenty of room for all of us at the top oh please a day ago you were the only
34:33brown bloke up for
34:34the job and now there are two and word on the web is he'd make a better bond yeah well
34:40i don't
34:40really pay attention to what people say about me it's just not in my nature you should old chap
34:44he's a bigger name with a bigger fan base and i dare say he's thought of as a better actor
34:51that's
34:51subjective cut the camel shit latif you couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak
34:58how do you expect to convince the world that you can be gone you don't stand a chance in a
35:04horse
35:05pajamas do you you push me home he's still going to ditch you push can no use being angry with
35:15me
35:16you only have yourself to blame i'm trying try harder do you understand
35:25here he is hey hey i love this man i haven't seen you in a minute how's it going yeah
35:30when was the
35:30last time i saw you um mango tree premiere yeah yeah yeah thank you for coming man you were so
35:35good
35:36in that thank you did you guys see that under the mango tree so it's about this magical mango tree
35:41this
35:41white woman eats a mango she travels back in time to colonial india falls in love with this indian guy
35:45and they have this relationship over space and time it's about her loves timeless and crosses all sorts
35:51of boundaries i don't know why i didn't connect more actually can i where are you from yeah just
35:56for yeah thanks a lot um you look incredible by the way and very very smart getting photographed in
36:01the tugs and holding that drink it's uh just here to support one of our nation's most important
36:06cultural institutions um just the bottom thing's called people going mental isn't it yeah people are
36:13passionate man it's just um that the hate though i hate is it's a lot right i know you're probably
36:18probably getting a lot of that too not really nothing to cry about just gotta stay grateful
36:25people are busting their asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table we live in the
36:29dream yeah
36:30yeah we are yeah it's a small price to pay it is it's just some psycho sent a pig's head
36:35to my mom's
36:36ass you serious you know that's actually why i'm here um i want to show them that no amount of
36:44hate
36:44is going to make me hide and actually if this museum can house treasures from all around the
36:49world and this country has to take in people from all around the world am i right yeah preach
36:53just want to make a statement showing that this this too is what british looks like i love the passion
36:59man i'm so glad you said that because i heard that you're speaking later and i was thinking maybe we
37:03could tag team it yeah that's a great idea yeah you've got something important to say i want to
37:08be a part of that yeah i'll tell you what why don't i go up first and then i'll bring
37:11you up i would
37:12love that thank you my brother i love that man of course i really appreciate it there you are hey
37:17i know
37:18you this is my security guy the mooba guy yeah i overheard you chat about it earlier i love the
37:23concept
37:23thank you thank you brother are you muslim aren't we all a little yeah have you got a card i'll
37:29spread
37:29the word nice yeah okay i gotta go that's my mom you brought your mom yeah yeah yeah i wouldn't
37:37be here
37:37without her so shouldn't be here without her you know it's all thicker that's me that's to me good to
37:42see
37:52what security guy that's what i'm doing you literally told me to bring you here as security
37:58why are you getting cranky oh you haven't broken fast huh oh no i haven't of course i'm hungry
38:04just have a little canapé bro just have a little something to eat nothing here is halal none of the
38:10little things the big things none of it have some halumi halumi is not israeli that's what they want
38:14you to think it's an arabic cheese google it you know i don't use google thank you too kind
38:26good evening in 2001 we watched in horror as taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's
38:35cultural heritage we wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble but tonight we right this wrong
38:44after a nine-year 15 million pound restoration project it is my honor to present to you tonight
38:52the restored buddha of bamian
39:07and now an extra special treat it is with great enthusiasm
39:12that i invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage the most gentle mini vampire hunter i've
39:17ever had the pleasure of meeting raj stakar
39:26it's an honor to be here i mean
39:31wow this museum is home to artifacts from around the globe and so it should follow that england too
39:38is home to people from those same places now tonight is a celebration but i would like to speak with
39:44you all about my experiences as an englishman and as a person of color recently racist hate
39:53it took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's dorset
40:01it was horrific there was blood everywhere my mother was left traumatized mommy i'm sorry
40:09but no amount of hate will make me hide those driven by prejudice
40:16they need to see us in these spaces
40:20and because this too is what british looks like
40:26thank you thank you
40:30excuse me you have a situation a man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and uh
40:36racially profiling museum guests
40:38what
40:39they're really very special work um oh and uh charlethief wanted to say something too
40:44i'm about to go on man
40:45char otherwise we're gonna have to escort him off the premises immediately
41:05i don't know
41:06so let's talk about your big moment the speech that never was
41:12a silky bit of spycraft from thacker he's clearly made for the role
41:17not to mention he can get the bleeding lines out
41:22nine i can do better i can can you now let's see
41:28i also had a pig's head said to myself
41:34i um
41:36nice one dickhead you're more frozen than me
41:40but it's not your acting that's the problem is it it's who you are
41:45you don't have the balls to be bombed
41:49hey yo cousin
41:50oh my me you want an only fan
41:51you turned your back on your own fans
41:54but you turned your back on your own family
42:01face it people like you are never the heroes of the story you'll always just be a scared little
42:13tacky
42:15send him back where he came from
42:27oh
42:28oh
42:30oh
42:46Yeah?
42:50You okay?
42:52Yeah, you?
42:53What were you doing?
42:55Nothing. What were you doing?
42:57Nothing, bro. It's 2am.
42:58Are you talking to someone or what?
43:01Oh, sorry mate, I was just running late.
43:04In a suit?
43:05Costume, innit?
43:07Well, the moon's been sighted, so.
43:09Eve Mubarak, yeah.
43:13I'm not your widow.
43:17Eve Mubarak, bitch!