Would You Help Hook Hands

Beasley Digital

A listener emailed Dave about an awkward run in with a guy in a bathroom. This guy had hook hands and asked for some help zipping up his pants.

Transcript

00:00oh i'm exhausted dude you're literally sitting next to a mountain of five hour energy shots

00:05try their red licorice it's sweet and craveable thanks and you didn't even call me an idiot

00:12you're sweet and craveable yeah you're an idiot

00:23this guy said so i was actually watching some older episodes of your show on the peep

00:29show on youtube and i saw the one would you zip up a man

00:37well i had to i had to unzip a man oh wow he said i was cooking at coney island

00:46i had to use the restroom number two okay okay went into the stall to take care of business

00:54thank you for cooking our conies even coney cooks gotta poop man it's a bad story

00:59yeah no it's not good coney and pooping so i come out there is this regular guy that always is

01:07at

01:07the restaurant he always sits at the counter he has no hands okay the cooks actually dice up his food

01:17food for him and he seems to manage pretty well every time i saw him eating there he's able to

01:24kind of pick up a fork with the hook but this time as i come out of doing my business

01:30he's standing in

01:32front of the urinal trying to unzip his pants he was struggling i don't have zipper pants i lost my

01:41hands yeah you gotta it's all elastic it's all like track pants this guy manages to eat a coney with

01:48hooks i think he can get his zipper down i hope but it doesn't seem like it's gonna so basically

01:52chuck is already living the life of a no hand exactly yeah these hands don't do anything

01:57this hook's not small enough to get in the little hole in the zipper

02:01i don't know the end of the hook he appeared to have a little piece of coat hanger

02:07trying to get that hole in the zipper to pull it down but he kept struggling and was obviously

02:14frustrated no i wasn't sure if i should help but i ended up saying the stupidest thing i've ever said

02:21to a man let me touch your crotch area do you need a hand there oh wow oh jesus he

02:27didn't take any

02:28offense to it and kindly said actually yes please so his hook fail his his hanger thing that he created

02:37yes it was a fail fail yeah so he planned ahead but just but not good enough yeah so i

02:43unzipped his

02:43zipper for him and then said okay man you're on your own from here he thanked me i washed my

02:51hands and

02:51went back to work i told the other cooks what happened and they died the jokes still haven't ended

02:58no they thought it was hilarious i just thought i was being helpful the man was obviously not

03:04embarrassed he continues to frequent the restaurant would you guys do this would you help a man with

03:09hooks i just i i listen i'm gonna be honest you kind of know him you know okay i i

03:19will say this

03:20i don't the perv factor is if it's just some guy like oh i can't get my zipper down will

03:26you help

03:27uh this guy you can see you know he's having trouble it's legitimate i've already left you

03:33kind of know him like you see him right you see him he's a regular that's the thing if you

03:38see him

03:38all the time and he saw you walk by him yeah like what can you say you say yeah you're

03:43gonna get a

03:44hook next time i'm sorry what i say is oh i didn't even see i didn't think you were struggling

03:49right

03:49he hasn't asked you for help yeah i just go i'm already gone i'm already gone i mean he is

03:54there

03:55with this uh coat hanger like he's trying to break into a car but exactly i don't look at other

04:01men

04:01at urinals that's the whole deal to make any eye contact with anyone i just keep i mean if i

04:05see a

04:05guy sit standing there peeing with two hooks i'm looking there's no chance i'm not looking at that

04:12you have to see it thank god he didn't have to poop oh speaking of which that work speaking of

04:20which i'm glad that our listener threw that in because no part of his story required the fact

04:24that he had to take a dump no well i guess he wanted to know that he was in a

04:27stall oh yes i

04:28guess so that makes some sense you're not standing by the urinal to me if i'm not standing beside him

04:34at the urinal i'm gone dude what does the hook man do with the poop how does he wipe my

04:45thought

04:46it would be like a pencil his hook and you take toilet paper wrap it around a bunch of times

04:51and

04:51then just try to do one swoop oh wow and hope it just pops off huh i don't think it's

04:57gonna pop

04:57first thought off the bat that's where do you shake that off what between your legs you shake that

05:02off what do you do oh man oh you don't want hot about it you don't want oh you don't

05:13you have to

05:13have attachments to me yeah there's got to be like a crap crap attachment you grab a backpack full of

05:20different hooks it's got like a well if that's the case he should have a knife one too for cutting

05:25up his own food oh he should true he should swiss army hook yeah maybe he can't afford the

05:32attachments i believe you're pretty poor if you can only afford hooks and not prosthetic hands okay

05:38yes yeah yeah absolutely these days okay yeah so let's look at the man's situation you are getting

05:43stuff probably donated i think it's different if he asks and he's a regular customer i think

05:49you know he's embarrassed too he doesn't want another man pulling his zipper down he's trying his

05:55best with a little hooker a little hooker what's it called a coat hanger yeah a little coat hanger

06:00trying to do it himself he can't do it he's gotta pee probably real bad he doesn't want to piss

06:07himself

06:07i know so yes pull down my zipper man isn't this what we want isn't this where we're at

06:13it's every man for themselves no it's not where we're at right now still let's have isn't it just

06:20every man for themselves help no one in certain situations every man for themselves i'm sorry

06:26generally in the bathroom i got my own stuff i agree in the bathroom it's every man for themselves

06:32that's sort of what but i think there are there's gotta be exceptions really old folks people that are

06:38not the weak shall fall chuck the strong shall survive as if he's older i'm helping him if he's

06:46an older guy because then i feel bad hooks were invented i just looked at 109 years ago i know

06:52we've come a long way hands exist we gotta get some yeah i'm telling you right now the hook's been

06:59around even longer than that pirates so chuck there's an old man in the bathroom oh i have to go

07:09i have help help me sir don't leave help me he left he left he just left he walked right

07:20out the

07:20door with his headphones on no you don't you can't you don't i don't even i would feel it's so

07:27uncomfortable unzipping another man you know how fast i walk by the urinal section if i was in

07:33in the stall like they i'm not paying them any mind they're on their own man you're on your own

07:39in

07:39there i hate to say it lisa what there is a hook lady yeah hook lady can't get her skirt

07:48down

07:48get her skirt down skirt yank it up okay whatever her pants she has a zipper she has to have

07:55a

07:55zipper too she's got a zipper she's got because ladies wear pants nowadays i forgot ladies wear

08:01pants these days help her with their skirt i forgot it's the 2000s yeah there's a broad in there

08:13there's a broad in there there's a broad in there she's got a skirt like a mini skirt that's all

08:17she's allowed to wear

08:20my old lady was in there with her she's she just she left the kitchen long enough to get in

08:24there

08:25she's gotta pee somehow she's not barefoot and pregnant she's in a bathroom uh yeah so she's got

08:32pants on she can't she's got hook hands she can't get her pants on she goes excuse me miss

08:36would you please help me oh she asked me yeah i would help she didn't ask you just saw her

08:42struggling asking i would not offer because it would be strange she might think i'm a freak

08:47right you know asking is so much different can i help you no it is you only respond

08:56to her a request request you know otherwise it's yeah you're a weirdo like i said like my buddy

09:03this guy didn't respond to a request but i think it's a different situation because it's a regular

09:07customer if i sort of knew the person yeah maybe i would of course i would help you having trouble

09:12with them no hands like if chuck had no hands lisa oh and he said and then he says lisa

09:18i really

09:19have to poop i've really got to wipe and dave's not around not wipe yes lisa i'm struggling i am

09:27not

09:28wiping your butt i am struggling not we are friends we are very good friends but i'm not

09:33helping your butt he's helped me he's got hooks my hooks fell off no he looks like this cartoon

09:40character chuck's in here he's got to go he says would you mind doing this before i run to the

09:46bathroom just pull it as dave i'm out of the room ask ryan as someone else the only the only

09:52thing

09:53it could possibly be with me and i don't even know how i would have pulled this one off in

09:57the

09:58first place with no hands is that i've tied my pants i have my i have joggers jogging pants on

10:06and they're tied and i can't pull them down it's too tight and i'm like that would be the thing

10:16can

10:16you uh can you what untie the knot just untie the knot i'll be over there i'll have to get

10:24some

10:24scissors and cut it well i don't care how you handle it you could do that i'm just saying there's

10:31no way

10:32there's no way there's no way okay so the situation is here only because it's a regular customer he was

10:41i think i would do the same thing if it was just a man struggling i'm not sure i would

10:45offer help i will

10:46be honest i think i would just do my business and go because i don't want to seem like the

10:51pervert

10:52exactly excuse me sir can i unzip you hey i've been watching you struggle with your crotch standing

10:59here and watching you right i'm not i'm not putting myself in that situation if you need help and you

11:04ask me and i feel like it's legitimate and non-pervy okay or in this situation a regular

11:09customer really struggling with hook hands when i was in the stall back at the old place and that older

11:15man went to the urinal which was right beside the stall and started crying out because he had the

11:22ryan he he started crying out i didn't do anything i didn't say anything i didn't offer him medical

11:28assistance i didn't say i'm gonna call but i don't i didn't know what was going on at the time

11:34yeah like i was i think i was young enough to not even realize like kidney stones were dropping people

11:39like it's hot i i was just i didn't know what was going on with this man he was just

11:49careful did i say he gets them every couple of weeks i know but i don't know how he's in

11:54that

11:55by the way oh i know you're gonna give them to me oh no have you ever cried at a

11:59urinal yes of course

12:00yeah oh yeah yeah you have yeah oops is that me oh sorry my computer's working i found something

12:07that would help how do i turn it off that has never happened before it is playing through

12:11how is the monitor how it's playing through the monitor i don't know how to stop stop stop

12:16there's like a wiping device for people without hands i found sorry about that

12:22and it's your computer to break into regular programming

12:26i'm glad to see everything set up okay we hear your friend chuck has hooks back to ryan you you

12:31have cried at a urinal yeah yeah it's been that bad yeah it's terrible not here at a urinal not

12:37here

12:37not here i haven't but at uh like when i was in school because i was in high school and

12:42that stint

12:43moved and i thought it was just more kidney stones but it was the stint moving i was it was

12:48embarrassing

12:49i was like sitting up against the wall oh my god as a 17 year old that's terrible yeah just

12:55send me

12:55to a new school yeah yeah no for sure i got it at that point i get it yeah you're

13:00done uh this guy said

13:01next time you guys come to boston i'm gonna wear a fake hook and ask for help we'll never come

13:06to

13:07boston again we won't see you how's this help me out no we're not falling for it this is a

13:14very

13:14unique situation how often do you encounter hook hands in the bathroom they have something called

13:18if you want to look it up yourself and play it on your computer bottom buddy we gotta get it

13:23for

13:24chuck it's on youtube i might i might buy this i might buy three or four of these

13:30toilet aid have we looked at this before haven't we we have i don't think so

13:35oh that one hook with the wipe the hook with the wipe we have looked at because it's for bigger

13:40thick kind of frustration that comes with needing help with something this private in a specific kind

13:46of relief when you realize you don't actually need to ask for anyone dealing with limited reach

13:52or managing in a bathroom with less flexibility than they used to have the reach is the whole

13:59problem oh yeah not the wiping itself it's the reach it's the reach it's the reach so he has a

14:05metal reaching pole that he wraps it like a mummy like you said ryan he wraps it up

14:11oh see and then how do we get it off right there must be a gripper there's a gripper and

14:18that you

14:19can release this then dry yourself and then eject it into the toilet or wastebasket or whatever from

14:26so if you had like a hook you would hook put that on your hook yeah and that's just another

14:33attachment

14:35you carry that with you yeah you put your you take your bottom buddy with you wherever you go

14:39see you had the idea just a little too late ryan you could have bottom buddy

14:42i know yeah chuck has a bottom buddy his name his name is jim

14:47i know you could have bottom buddy his name is jim

14:48i know you could have bottom buddy his name is jim

14:49i know you could have bottom buddy his name is jim

14:50i know you could have bottom buddy his name is jim

Category

Transcript

Comments

Recommended