- 6 hours ago
Rivals - Season 2 Episode 3
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00:03Tonight we peek behind the curtains and pull back the bedsheets to reveal the truth about Rupert Campbell Black.
00:10On the night before he asks voters to elect him Member of Parliament for Chalford and Bisley,
00:15we ask how a man like this gains a free pass to the highest offices in the land.
00:20Rupert Campbell Black, showjumper and showman, charlatan and conman.
00:25Catapulted into a safe seat, he now enjoys an unusually close relationship with the man.
00:30Well, this is news.
00:34Tony said we were doing Joan Collins this week.
00:57Oh Christ.
01:00So, Melody Hamilton, do you know she used to get me to spank her?
01:03Call the hairbrush.
01:05Daddy.
01:06God, Peter.
01:07Earlier, I interviewed a woman who was a participant at a group sex session in a Soho art studio in
01:14the mid-60s.
01:15Roll the tape.
01:17Can you tell me who was present on that particular occasion?
01:20A number of rock stars.
01:21At least one of them was in the Stones.
01:24A couple of footballers.
01:25The American actor, Johnny...
01:28Johnny Friedlander?
01:29Yes.
01:29And Rupert Campbell Black.
01:31You don't forget that silky voice.
01:33And did Mr. Campbell Black engage in the group sex?
01:37Enthusiastically.
01:38No one was disappointed, put it that way.
01:41And I have to ask, in this age of AIDS, was anyone there using protection?
01:47Protection.
01:48And we were all high as kites.
01:50I've always said, Fred, Fred.
01:52Now he's going to give us all AIDS.
01:53And this sexual deviance was cited in their divorce proceedings by his ex-wife, Helen.
02:00I'm not talking about him, okay?
02:01Please get off my driveway.
02:02Can I ask a woman?
02:03Get off my driveway!
02:04Mrs. Gordon!
02:05Oh, my God!
02:06Mrs. Gordon!
02:08I think that's no comment.
02:10Helen Gordon.
02:11Previously, Helen Campbell Black was involved in a foursome with Campbell Black and his show-jumping teammates while on holiday
02:17in Kenya.
02:18What's a foursome?
02:19What are you doing out of bed?
02:20Plus, we can now...
02:22It is another word for a quartet.
02:26At the same time as seducing Carinium's former controller of programs, Cameron Cook, Mr. Campbell Black hunted closer to home,
02:34beginning a relationship with Declan O'Hara's daughter, Agatha, a girl 17 years his junior.
02:39For fuck's sake.
02:40Begging the question, what sort of a man preys upon the young daughter of his colleague and friend?
02:46So, what does the Prime Minister think of the politician once referred to as her blue-eyed boy?
02:52Unfortunately, no one from Mrs. Thatcher's office was available to comment.
02:56But Campbell Black doesn't seem to return her regard in this recording from 1985.
03:01Well, Jane.
03:02You know why they call her Milk Snatcher?
03:04It's not taking dairy products from kids.
03:06It's because she's got a milky snack.
03:10With the polls opening in 10 hours, we ask, how can a pervert and sexual deviant like Rupert Campbell Black
03:17be allowed to represent the fine people of Great Britain?
03:20Fuck!
03:26Fuck!
03:41Oh, my God.
04:00Oh, my God.
04:34Oh, my God.
04:39Oh, my God.
04:42Oh, my God.
04:45Oh, my God.
04:55Oh, my God.
05:10Oh, my God.
05:22Oh, my God.
05:53Oh, my God.
06:17Oh, my God.
06:20Oh, my God.
06:36Oh, my God.
06:39Oh, my God.
06:45Oh, my God.
06:46Oh, my God.
06:47Oh, my God.
06:49Oh, my God.
06:51Oh, my God.
06:53Oh, my God.
06:55Oh, my God.
06:56Oh, my God.
06:59Oh, my God.
07:03Oh, my God.
07:09Oh, my God.
07:10Oh, my God.
07:11Oh, my God.
07:13Oh, my God.
07:41Oh, my God.
07:47Oh, my God.
08:17Oh, my God.
08:23Oh, my God.
08:28Oh, my God.
08:30Oh, my God.
08:30Happy anniversary, darling.
08:32Oh, but it's not until Tuesday.
08:34Not until early.
08:36I thought you couldn't stand peacocks.
08:38You always say they look like rats in ballgowns.
08:41The Falkenry has been without peacocks since you were a deb.
08:44It's taken me far too long to set it right.
08:46Mummy would be thrilled.
08:48No.
08:50Well, you need to be careful not to speed up the drive later night.
08:53I haven't got you anything yet.
08:56Why don't you come to a doll's house with me this evening?
08:59I'll shout you an ice cream in the interval.
09:01You want me to enjoy an evening of Ibsen on the day of the general election?
09:04Well, there's no point sitting on the sofa waiting for the polls to close.
09:07We'll spend the evening together.
09:10It'll be good.
09:13Well, you know how I love the theatre.
09:24Vroom, vroom.
09:27You're beautiful, guys.
09:29Helen!
09:30Helen, open the door!
09:33You can't stop me seeing my children, Helen!
09:36Helen, I swear to God, I'll break this down!
09:40Stand down!
09:42Do you mind removing your bloody finger from my doorbell?
09:47Please.
09:49Helen's a school with Tabitha.
09:51I don't suppose you're aware of anything as parochial as the date of your daughter's sports day.
09:56You're not running in the father's race.
09:58I don't qualify.
10:03You haven't been to bed, have you?
10:05You know what?
10:06I'm not taking a lecture from you today, Melise.
10:08Fuck you!
10:08Fuck Helen!
10:09I need to see my children!
10:11I'm their father!
10:12Have you forgotten what that's like?
10:28Don't you dare talk to me about being a father.
10:32Mother, you need to sober up.
10:39How come you didn't know what he was planning?
10:41I can't manage Mother by myself anymore.
10:44I've been off work moving her into a home.
10:46Tony has been so kind.
10:48He told me to take off all the time that I needed,
10:50even when we had an episode of Uncensored to prep.
10:53Kind or strategic?
10:55I thought he was being supportive, subterfuge, as extremely stressful, you know.
10:58We need to get you back to work.
11:00Find out what Tony's doing next.
11:01But he's got what he wants.
11:03Rupert's on his knees.
11:04That'll never be enough for Tony.
11:07He'll be coming for the rest of us.
11:11Do you think so?
11:12What do you mean?
11:16Fiendish of you to have a tech record run of the bed the whole time.
11:19Oh, it's amazing what men will spill after they've spilled.
11:23What can I say?
11:24You truly are guardian of the nation's morals.
11:28Oh, we aim to please.
11:29You're about as keen to please as a nuclear warhead.
11:32As you say, Tony, I'm a public servant.
11:35You're a public toilet.
11:37I don't think it was a bit cruel.
11:39You don't know what he did to me.
11:40Proportionate response, Joyce.
11:43Good night's work, everyone.
11:44On we go.
11:49Are you hungry?
11:52A big kill like this always makes me voracious.
11:55I could murder a martini and a bloody steak.
11:59I know a little hotel.
12:03Very discreet.
12:05We'd be back in plenty of time for the election special.
12:10What an enticing offer.
12:12I'm afraid I'm going to the theatre with my wife tonight.
12:24That bump to the head really did change you, Tony.
12:30Elegantly handled.
12:32It's like prising off a scorpion before it stings you.
12:37All right, quiet down, everyone.
12:41I'm sorry that our first Venture Board meeting is being convened at a moment of crisis.
12:46Let's make this an orderly discussion.
12:48I know how these things can get emotional.
12:51So, Declan?
12:52Thank you, Freddy.
12:55So, bad news first.
12:57The BBC have dropped our Yates documentary.
13:00What?
13:01They can't be tainted by association.
13:04Also, I've had word from Charles that Lady Gosling would like to speak to me about the franchise bit.
13:09Is anyone else going to say it?
13:12Rupert should resign from the board.
13:14No.
13:15Now, hold on a minute.
13:16The BBC is run by a woman.
13:17And as a woman, I have to say that some of the comments we heard on the television last night
13:22were very hard to stand.
13:23They were private comments.
13:25He didn't know Beattie had a tape recorder under the bed.
13:27She liked him talking about other women he'd been with.
13:29It was her thing.
13:30If this were anybody else, wouldn't we be demanding that they resign?
13:34As a group, what values do we stand for?
13:42All right, come on.
13:43Easy there.
13:44Easy.
13:46So, we'll go in the order they're called.
13:48James, James.
13:49Hmm?
13:49Probably Cockchester first.
13:51Then Rutminster.
13:51Rutminster, Gloucester, Chalford and Bisley.
13:54Big swing for the Tories.
13:55We have Beattie Johnson presenting the show.
13:57Watch your feet there.
13:59And James Verica, of course, back on his trusty swing-o-meter.
14:02Everyone, this is Mrs Mingus Scott, who's joining Lady Gosling on the board of the IBA.
14:07After a ten-year stint, chairing the Women's Institute.
14:11So, used to making big decisions.
14:14All set for tonight, gang.
14:15Hopefully I won't have to do too much swinging this evening, Lady Gosling.
14:19And, um, Reverend Penny.
14:20Congratulations on your Campbell Black expose, Miss Johnson.
14:24I will end the haughtiness of the arrogant and lay low the pride of the ruthless.
14:29Let he that is without sin cast the first stone.
14:33Well, thank goodness that, uh, Campbell Black chose that little venturer set up over the
14:37Carinium board.
14:38I'm sure the IBA will align with the public to take a stern view on his behaviour.
14:42I shall be speaking to Mr O'Hara in due course.
14:44One thing I'm curious about, Lord Battingham.
14:46Yes?
14:46As a prominent supporter of the government, isn't it rather an own goal to demolish Campbell
14:51Black's reputation the night before the country goes to the polls?
14:56Well, Sally, as someone who cares deeply about the reputation of our political system, I would
15:00say it's paramount.
15:01We make it clear to the country that we see no place for behaviour like Campbell Black's
15:06in the modern government, which is, of course, bigger than any individual member.
15:11Can't help thinking Mrs Thatcher would agree.
15:14Rupert always had a rapier wit.
15:16Milk snatcher.
15:18I spat out my sherry.
15:22Sorry.
15:26Archie's been writing to me at school.
15:28Archie Bunningham.
15:29Caitlin.
15:29He sent me a mixtape.
15:30It's mostly metal, but he also put Caravan of Love on it, so either he loves me or he
15:34wants to have sex in a caravan.
15:36It's not just Rupert's reputation.
15:38If he's losing us work, it's a problem.
15:40I'm here to make telly.
15:42The Yates programme is your baby.
15:43We sell it somewhere else, Mike.
15:45Will anyone else take it now?
15:46I've had the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone.
15:49This is a very difficult position for those of us on the board as moral advisers.
15:55Aye, sir, I'll just rubbish anyway.
15:57Well, it's actually all true, Wes.
15:58I was at that party with Johnny Friedlander, and believe me, Rupert's never been monogamous
16:02in his life.
16:04I mean, until now.
16:06So even the tree woman at once think?
16:08Well, it sounds jolly, Todd.
16:10Look at you.
16:11You're all as bad as each other, snickering schoolboys.
16:14Okay, I think it should take more than a carinium smear campaign to pull us apart.
16:19Freddie, you're very quiet.
16:22We'll struggle to do it without Rupert.
16:25It's not just a profile.
16:27We need his financial stake.
16:30What?
16:30But a good public reputation is crucial for a company, and Rupert's flushed ours down
16:36the car's.
16:39I spoke to my father.
16:41What did he say?
16:44Toshi?
16:45What did he say?
16:48Rupert's money can be covered with Rupert's money.
16:51But?
16:52But Rupert's money can be covered with Rupert.
17:00So, Toshi's dad will cover Rupert's stake.
17:03But he needs to know that he's not part of the company anymore.
17:08Phone, Daddy.
17:10Not now, sweetheart.
17:11It is for me.
17:12She says it's urgent.
17:14Go.
17:15Just press pause, okay?
17:21I got a tag.
17:22Hello, love.
17:24Natalie Perot has got food poisoning.
17:26She can't go on tonight.
17:27I'm odd, darling.
17:28I really can't.
17:29I'm going on for her.
17:31To play.
17:33Nora.
17:34Can you come?
17:36If you got in the car now, you can make curtain up.
17:38Have you seen the newspapers?
17:41It's Rupert.
17:42He's always in some scrape or other.
17:44I need you.
17:46Please?
17:47Don't worry, love.
17:48You'll be wonderful.
17:49My guys are tearing each other to bits here.
17:52If I leave now, the company could crumble.
17:53What?
17:53You're not coming.
17:54It's venture, love.
18:00But it's not dishonest, is it?
18:02Rupert is just Rupert.
18:04Always has been.
18:04Take it or leave it.
18:05I mean, I personally think people find it refreshing.
18:07The Archbishop doesn't.
18:08Doesn't he have anything better to do?
18:10I mean, how narrow-minded and prurient do you have to be to think this is a problem?
18:14How thoughtless and ignorant do you have to be to think it isn't?
18:17I thought you were a bohemian.
18:18Who here doesn't have a past?
18:19Not one that B.T.
18:20Johnson would be interested in.
18:21Well, I don't imagine she gets down to Glyndebourne, that.
18:23I'm sorry.
18:24It's him or me.
18:25Hey, whatever happened to loyalty?
18:26Cameron.
18:27Us against the world?
18:29Are we going to take this?
18:30Let's face it, a direct attack from Tony Battingham, are we going to take it lying down?
18:34I'm all for love and forgiveness, but I simply don't see how our franchise bid can survive this.
18:39What about we just take a vote?
18:40Democracy in action.
18:42Fuck democracy!
18:48You know what I mean.
18:50You can abstain, Cameron.
18:53You better go while we vote.
18:56Mike, Patrick, you're not on the board, so you should step out as well.
19:01This isn't the venturer I signed up for.
19:09Rupert would swim through shark-infested water for any one of you if this were the other way around.
19:14Whatever you decide, please, God, have the grace to wait until after the election before you tell him he's been
19:19subjected to another vote.
19:28Are you okay?
19:29This is such a fucking mess.
19:32Why do you defend him?
19:33Because I love him.
19:36Because he fought for me.
19:38Now is my time to fight for him.
19:45Okay.
19:48How do we do this?
19:50How do we do this?
20:07Coffee?
20:09No, thank you.
20:10It's not a question.
20:12Sit.
20:15The Times, the Telegraph, today, the Mail, the Mirror, the Scorpion.
20:20You're on the front page of all of them.
20:23Photographers have already set up camp outside, waiting for you to leave.
20:27Glad to see you've dressed up for my dressing down.
20:29For God's sake, Rupert, grow up!
20:35We're all tired of the wanton schoolboy, playing everything for a laugh.
20:41Might have been endearing in a young buck, but in a man nearing 40, I'm afraid it's long ago passed
20:48over into...
20:50pathetic.
20:52Right.
20:54Needless to say, Helen's furious.
20:57Needless to say.
20:58Oh, she knew you'd been unfaithful to her during the marriage, but she had no idea of the scale of
21:04her humiliation.
21:05Thank God you saved her from me.
21:08We both know I didn't take Helen from you.
21:12You'd broken her a long time before I put her back together.
21:17And I'm damned if I'll let you break her again.
21:20Oh, come on, Millie's.
21:22Who doesn't have their sexual pachydillas?
21:25I know Helen's tastes are pretty vanilla, but I'm sure you've used your riding crop on her a couple of
21:28times.
21:30Your daughter was in tears this morning.
21:33Because she's afraid that you're going to die of AIDS.
21:38You've lost your wife, and you're about to lose your children.
21:43Because you can't keep your bloody cock inside your trousers.
21:47Of course, the irony in all that is...
21:53is that I have stopped.
21:55Everything she exposed in that broadcast was years ago.
21:59Oh, really?
22:00Sarah Stratton, Natalie Perrault...
22:03Months ago, and...
22:06They were the last.
22:11I'm not excusing what's happened, but...
22:16Beauty let me confide in her at a time when I needed to.
22:20And I had no idea she was recording every word of it to use against me later.
22:25Of course, I told her hundreds of good things about Helen, but...
22:28They didn't broadcast any of that, but...
22:31Don't worry.
22:33I'll get what I deserve.
22:36I'm going to lose my seat tonight.
22:38Yes, most likely.
22:40But you had been dropped from the national team before and bounced back.
22:44You learned then, didn't you?
22:46Pulled yourself together.
22:48And Timmy died.
22:54I swore if I couldn't look after him, I'd take good care of the young riders on the team.
22:59Keep you close.
23:01Stop you repeating your mistakes again and again.
23:06But, of course, it was hopeless.
23:08I used to blame myself.
23:11But the rot in you had set in long before I came on the scene.
23:15Your father gave you the worst possible example.
23:19You can do better for your children.
23:21They love you, the poor little buggers.
23:27For me.
23:29Put these on.
23:31And go and cast your vote with dignity.
23:57I hope I can count on your vote, Willys.
24:01I shall be voting for the Liberals.
24:12Oh!
24:13Natalie's not on tonight.
24:15Tonight the Aurora will be played by Mordo Harmer.
24:18Oh, God, it gets worse.
24:19Let's just go for dinner.
24:20Oh, no, no.
24:21Let's go for a chance.
24:22Now we're here.
24:23We'd only be at home waiting for the results.
24:25Oh, darling.
24:26Oh!
24:30Later tonight, we'll be bringing you all the live updates from the central southwest region.
24:35Plus, in-depth analysis of the results as they come in.
24:38Served with a generous helping of Carinean Charm.
24:42Look, there's Danny.
24:43But first, let's go over to the ITN newsroom.
24:46Good evening.
24:47The campaigns are over.
24:48The polls are open.
24:51Three hours to go until 13 o'clock.
24:53Three hours to go until 13 o'clock.
24:55Three hours to go until 13 o'clock.
24:56I know I shouldn't be here.
24:59I just wanted to talk to you.
25:01It's been a terrible day.
25:05I thought if James was on the telly, he couldn't be here.
25:07So...
25:08Oh.
25:10I'm cooking supper for the children.
25:13Of course.
25:14I'm sorry.
25:15Is that a potato waffle?
25:17Mm-hmm.
25:17Because, um...
25:20I haven't eaten all day.
25:23We've been arguing about Rupert.
25:25Oh.
25:25Declan's head has put it to a vote.
25:27Oh.
25:28What did you do?
25:30I voted for Rupert to stay.
25:31Oh, good.
25:32Of course he's behaved awfully, but I've always felt it's our job as his friends to stay loyal,
25:37to steer him onto the path.
25:40We've all done things.
25:44I knew he was going to say something wise like that.
25:48Val was worried he's going to invite us in for a threesome,
25:50so she's ripped out all the pampers grass just in case.
25:54But Rupert's staying.
25:56Well.
25:57Declan's got the casting vote.
25:59I left him to it.
25:59It didn't feel right.
26:00Mommy!
26:02Oh, Bill.
26:04I'm gonna go on.
26:10Where do you stand on fish fingers?
26:14I can't get enough of them.
26:18Rargh!
26:21Rargh!
26:23Rargh!
26:24OK, come on upstairs now for teeth brushing, please.
26:29You better listen to your mum or all your teeth will fall out.
26:32Oh, no.
26:33I've got no teeth.
26:36Where's your teeth going?
26:38More funny, Mr Jones.
26:40Thank you, Mr Verica.
26:41I am Sebastian.
26:43Well, I'm Freddie.
26:44Freddie!
26:45OK, upstairs now!
26:47Oh!
26:50Why are all posh people called Sebastian?
26:52We're not posh people.
26:54You're posher than me.
26:56Oh!
26:57Oh, dear.
26:58Are you all right?
27:00Yeah.
27:01Have you got a wheelchair?
27:03Well, James treats me like a wheelchair.
27:05Something you can fall back on in old age.
27:12Why did you marry him?
27:18Because he asked me.
27:25Why did you marry Valerie?
27:29I loved her.
27:35Mommy!
27:38I should go.
27:49Come on.
27:50Come on.
27:52Come on.
27:53Come on.
28:00Bye!
28:02Come on.
28:04Come on.
28:08Come on, let's go.
28:14Bye.
28:14Bye.
28:14Bye.
28:16Bye.
28:36Good night, Freddy.
28:40Good night, Lizzie.
29:02Ta-da!
29:05Blimey. Look at you.
29:08Oh, doesn't he look fantastic?
29:10We spent the whole day at the school outfitters.
29:13Proper gentleman.
29:14He looks like a penguin.
29:16Sharon, stop it!
29:21Look what we've done, eh?
29:25Oh, boy.
29:27I'm proud of you.
29:31We've got everything on the list.
29:32Cricket kit, football kit, swimming kit, tennis kit, rugby kit, fencing kit, all the kits.
29:39I'm proud of you and all.
29:41There won't be many Joneses boys on that rugby team all this time, eh?
29:45Now, Eaton Rules says we can't see you for the first month, so you're going to have to be brave,
29:49Wayne, okay?
29:50No crying like a ninny.
29:52Now, most of them other boys, they've been away from home since they were babies.
29:56Sharon, come on.
29:57Stop being so lazy and help me get the rest of the bags out of the car, you lump.
30:00Honestly.
30:10Don't know how I'm going to cope, not seeing that cheeky little mug for that long.
30:15You sure you want this?
30:17It makes Mum happy.
30:20Can I take this off now?
30:22Yes, sir.
30:23Come on.
30:33Wasn't she wonderful?
30:36A revelation.
30:38I think you may have found your Titania.
30:42Mord?
30:42I couldn't cast Mord O'Hara.
30:44Declan would howl.
30:45Let's go round and see her, shall we?
30:55Congratulations, woman of the hour.
30:57Woman of the half hour call.
31:00I mean, this is unexpected and nice.
31:05After thinking I didn't have anyone in tonight.
31:07Yes, I'm sorry none of your family were there.
31:09I'm not.
31:10Tony, isn't he awful?
31:12I'm not complaining.
31:13This is extremely nice wine.
31:16We usually end up at a sticky table at the Cochin Horses.
31:19Well, not for long.
31:21Tony, tell her.
31:22Ah, yes.
31:24Monika's had an idea.
31:25Oh.
31:25And I think it's a rather good one.
31:27I would like to offer you a role in Carinium's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
31:33The leading lady, Titania, Queen of the Fairies.
31:37I think Ward knows her Shakespeare, darling.
31:39It's our flagship project.
31:41Filmed at Carinium with a live audience.
31:44Broadcast on the network.
31:45With a subsequent video release for schools all over the country.
31:49It's going to have quite a reach.
31:52God.
31:54I mean, thank you.
31:57I mean, obviously I'll have to speak with my...
32:00Your husband, yes, of course.
32:02I was going to say my agent.
32:06Ibsen would be pride.
32:30Ready to go live, studio?
32:32Countdown to hand over to ITN.
32:34Turn in five, four, three.
32:41Good evening.
32:43And welcome to the Cotswold Roundup election special.
32:46Let's go over to our outside broadcast unit in Conchester now.
32:51Where I am being told, yes, Paul Stratton has retained his seat for the Conservatives.
32:56I'd like to give thanks to all my supporters, my constituency staff, and to my wonderful secretary, Samantha.
33:05And, of course, I would like to thank my daughters, Penelope and Cressida.
33:10To my father, Desmond Stratton, QC, for his sage advice during this election.
33:16And, finally, to my schnauzer, Sultan, for being there.
33:21Good boy, Sultan.
33:22Paul Stratton holds Cotswold for the Conservatives.
33:26All eyes now turn to Chalford and Bruceley, where Rupert Campbell Blackspeed hangs in the balance after last night's shocking
33:31expose.
33:32Over to James and his swing-o-meter.
33:34Paul Stratton retaining his majority by more than 15,000.
33:38A decisive win there.
33:40Oh, no, no, go that way.
33:41No, no, no, no, no.
33:44I'll just hold it.
33:46Don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.
33:48Beat it.
33:51Head up, okay?
33:52Act like nothing's wrong and people will believe it.
33:55Whatever happens, I just want to say it has been an honour to serve with you and...
34:00All right, children, we're going over the top.
34:03Ready?
34:06Ready.
34:25Childford and Bisley are about to declare.
34:27Stand by for outside broadcast.
34:30And I'm just hearing now that we can go over to Childford and Bisley for the announcement of today's results.
34:35We weren't expecting you back tonight, Tony.
34:36I wouldn't make this for the world.
34:39And cut to outside broadcast.
34:43As returning officer for the Childford and Bisley constituency, I hereby declare that the total number of votes for each
34:51candidate was as follows.
34:52Michael Seabourne, Labour Party candidate, 5,342.
35:00David Edwards, known as Bar Bar, Woolly Ramsbottom, Cotswold Looney Party, 283.
35:10Margaret Baldwin, Liberal Party, 24,292.
35:18Rupert Campbell Black, Conservative Party, 36,272.
35:31I do hereby declare that Rupert Campbell Black is duly elected member of Parliament for Childford and Bisley.
35:40And we thank the Senate for the Conservative Party.
35:47Go on, go on.
35:49You didn't know how that happened.
35:51Who missed the point?
35:52Who missed the point?
35:52Who missed the point?
35:59Thank you, thank you all.
36:01I will do my absolute utmost to deserve your confidence.
36:06Onward.
36:08Rupert Campbell Black, re-elected as member of Parliament for Childford and Bisley, this is his girlfriend, television executive Cameron
36:14Cook.
36:17If you're just joining us, 88 results have been declared so far.
36:21In the last few moments, the script, Minister for Sport, Rupert Campbell Black, has surprised everyone by retaining himself with
36:28a difference.
36:46They just denounced.
36:47He won, didn't he?
36:52How does he do it?
36:54He's still their Olympic hero.
36:56Not to those who really know him.
36:58He's even got you on side.
37:00Look.
37:01He still needs a father figure sometimes.
37:03Or maybe you still need a son.
37:07I'm sorry.
37:08I'm sorry.
37:10I sometimes think that you see Rupert through rose-tinted glasses because you missed Timmy.
37:16And it pains me because I'm pretty sure that Rupert is no kind of substitute.
37:20Rupert is a danger to everyone around him when he's a loose cannon.
37:24It's a good thing that he kept his seat.
37:26If Rupert were a woman, he would be tarred and feathered and dragged by his hair through the streets of
37:33Rochester.
37:33Oh, for God's sake.
37:33If he gets a seat at Parliament, all I get is to suffer by association, to look and feel stupid
37:38that I was ever married to him, that I ever had his children.
37:41No matter what I do, I will always be the Olympic hero's embarrassed first wife.
38:00What happened to you in Kenya?
38:04What?
38:06You never told me about Kenya.
38:09What happened to you there?
38:12No, no, I didn't.
38:16I didn't want to because I knew you'd think differently of me.
38:20Oh, and so you do.
38:23I think you should sleep in the spare room tonight.
38:29Which one?
38:38Hold a chicken in the air, stick a dead chair up your nuts, buy a jumbo jet, and then bury
38:46all your clothes.
38:48But y'all let me bring, let it scratch your wrist and teeth, form a strip portent, and pretend your
38:55name is here.
38:58This is going to reign where you
38:59Skin your shelter, love, let your stink of rap aum, flying silent, dog.
39:06Let the stink of rap aum, flying silent dog.
39:07Happy nomenicimo, be to be that, men don't.
39:13It's a chicken song.
39:15What?
39:16Spinning Image, is a parody.
39:18A parody?
39:22Okay come on, let's go home.
39:24I just want the General Bloody Electron's game.
39:27Actually, Mrs. Thatcher just won the general bloody election.
39:32Honey, I need to talk to you about Venture.
39:35No, no, no. We're celebrating.
39:36Venture won the election.
39:41I'm going to bed.
39:44Fine, fine, fine. I'll come with you.
39:47No, no, no. Celebrate.
39:50It's your party.
39:57The truth comes again.
40:00Hold on.
40:02Chicken in the air.
40:03Chicken in the air.
40:04Chicken in the air at your mouth.
40:05Buy a jumbo jet.
40:07And then bury all your blood.
40:13Take that, Dimbleby.
40:16As always, the great British public voted for Mummy.
40:19How about we go somewhere and celebrate?
40:21You and me?
40:21Why not?
40:22I'll check under the bed for tape recorders.
40:27OK, then.
40:28Really?
40:29No.
40:32I thought you were wonderful, James.
40:38Hey, team.
40:39Who's up for partying?
40:41I could have a quick beverage.
40:44Daisy, going somewhere nice?
40:46Knocking with the OB crew at the Cochester Arms.
40:49Cider with the camera boys.
40:50I've got, er, Bolly in my dressing room.
40:53No, thank you.
40:55Come on, Daisy.
40:56Why the sad face?
40:57Used to be much more up for partying.
40:58Buck off.
41:00Little Daisy just told me to F off.
41:08Deirdre?
41:09Yes, James?
41:11Call me a cab home.
41:12There's a love.
41:27What's the report?
41:28I left him at the party sticking a deck chair up his nose.
41:34What's wrong now?
41:36Oh, what is it?
41:39Do you want to be married to him or not?
41:41If you do, stop being a whiny little bitch and go back to your house.
41:46You can't talk to me like that.
41:47I just did.
42:02The buzz, darling, of revealing to the nation the results of their little pencil marks.
42:06Oh, you're brilliant.
42:09Bt bloody bumfuck bloody Johnson getting all the glory.
42:14Maybe next year I could ask for a bigger pendulum.
42:16Yes.
42:18Oh.
42:20Speaking of pendulums.
42:24Looks like my election erection's coming out to play again.
42:27Yes, it is.
42:31Hmm?
42:34Oh.
42:35Oh.
42:36Oh.
42:37I've brushed my teeth.
42:39Fine.
42:40We'll just have sex.
42:41Okay.
42:45Come on.
42:47Do you know, people really do underestimate me.
42:50But I'd be shocked if after tonight Venturer don't try to poach me.
42:53Or better yet, persuade me to be a mole and be a fantastic double agent.
42:57Oh.
42:58Open a little wider, Lizzie.
43:00I can't get it in.
43:02James the mole verica.
43:04There.
43:05That's the job, Lizzie.
43:06Good girl.
43:07Open up the burrow.
43:08Oh.
43:10I am a mole and I live in a hole.
43:13I am a mole and I live in a hole.
43:16Do, do, do, do.
43:17I am a mole and I live in a hole.
43:21Oh.
43:23Oh.
43:24Oh.
43:26Oh.
43:31Lizzie.
43:33Hey.
43:35I am a kite.
43:36And you are my bollard.
43:56Oh darling, you're home
44:01Congratulations, you won
44:02I made you breakfast
44:04You must be exhausted after all that celebrating
44:10I'm so sorry
44:11About that stupid fight that we had
44:15It was just my hormones
44:17It wasn't your fault at all
44:19But the baby?
44:20Your baby
44:22I've been so mean to you, Paulie
44:25I just want us to be a proper little family
44:30I'm so happy
44:38You know, some women find that the second trimester
44:46Is the horniest three months of their life
45:06Gerald, I was in bed
45:10I've come to join you
45:17I can't believe Rupert actually did it
45:26He's Superman
45:27Should I be jealous?
45:28I'd do anything for Rupert
45:30But it's you I'm really in love with
45:32You and Mrs Thatcher
45:33Oh, I think my erection just died
45:36I know, really
45:37Just stop talking about Mrs Thatcher
45:40Sorry, sorry
45:42You know I want to be an MP, Charles
45:44And that's why you're getting married to a woman that you don't love
45:47And throwing away all your principles to work for a party
45:50That's taking away gay men's rights to even be considered human beings
45:54I'm going to change things
45:57I'm going to change things
45:58From the inside
46:03Really?
46:04Why not?
46:07Why not?
46:15You know, Gerald congratulated me last night on being a perfect politician's wife
46:21Gerald is very drunk
46:24I mean, what does that even look like?
46:27Put up and shut up?
46:28Well, that's not your style, is it?
46:35You know I supported you because I don't think what happened to you was fair
46:40I can't deny anything Petey said
46:44So true
46:45You don't have to
46:48You are a whole person
46:53And I love you
47:05Let's have the dogs out
47:13I adore you
47:14Thank you for supporting me
47:16Thank you
47:26Thank you
47:27Thank you
47:27Thank you
47:27Thank you
47:28Oh, yes
47:28Oh, yes
47:29Are you happy or not?
47:32All right
47:33I'm happy
47:38Downing Street
47:39We're just on the phone
47:41Mrs. Thatcher wants to see you
47:56I know it's smarts, darling
47:59Whatever you think about Rupert
48:01You know, I really couldn't do all this without your support
48:04All your ideas
48:06You're my secret weapon
48:07It cuts both ways, darling
48:10We're a team
48:12I think we've come out of this unpleasantness stronger than ever
48:16Look at him
48:16I mean
48:17Who does it think he is?
48:18But he's a Lancelot
48:19So fucks a lot
48:26You'll stop this feud with Rupert now
48:29Yes
48:32Please
48:34I will
48:36Stop this feud with Rupert
48:50How did last night go for your mother?
48:52Did she call?
48:52Mm-mm
48:53She didn't call
48:56Eggsteady?
48:57No
48:57I couldn't eat tight
49:01Mrs. Thatcher's third landslide
49:03Poor Mr. Kinnick should just give up
49:05She's going to be Prime Minister forever
49:07Change is hard
49:08It scares people, so
49:11They stick with the status quo
49:14Well, that's depressing
49:17It's ready
49:17You got to talk to Rupert?
49:20What have you decided?
49:26Surely if you won the election
49:27I thought you'd want to know
49:31There's a press conference about to start at Downing Street
49:33Let's hear what Maggie has to say for herself then
49:35It's not Mrs. Thatcher
49:37It's Rupert
49:44Thank you, gentlemen, ladies
49:47I've spoken to Mrs. Thatcher
49:48In light of the uncensored programme
49:51The night before last
49:52And the coverage that broadcast generated
49:55I told the Prime Minister that
49:57Although I won my seat in yesterday's general election
49:59I do not want the scandal around me
50:01To distract from the important work
50:03That our government is doing
50:05It was therefore with deep regret
50:07That I tendered
50:08And the Prime Minister accepted
50:10My resignation as an MP
50:13And a minister
50:16There'll be another statement in due course
50:18Gentlemen
50:19Thank you very much
50:20Seems you've won after all, my lord
50:30One down
50:33Three to go
50:46All right, tell me
50:48Do you need me to go?
50:58My pleasure
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