A cult British sci-fi comedy series following Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the spaceship Red Dwarf after a deadly radiation leak wipes out the crew. Alongside a hologram roommate, a humanoid cat, and a neurotic mechanoid, he navigates bizarre space adventures filled with absurd humor, time travel, alien encounters, and satirical takes on humanity.
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#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
Tags
#ScienceFiction, #Sitcom, #BritishComedy, #SpaceAdventure, #CultClassic, #ComedySeries, #TimeTravel, #Futuristic, #SpaceCrew, #AlienEncounters, #SciFiComedy, #DarkHumor, #Adventure, #SpaceSurvival, #ClassicTV, #Humor, #BritishTelevision, #Fantasy, #Satire, #RetroSciFi
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FunTranscript
00:27To be continued...
00:54To be continued...
01:03This is an SOS distress school from the mining ship Red Wharf.
01:07The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
01:10The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster,
01:14and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.
01:18Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions are
01:21a life-form who evolved from his cat, and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.
01:29I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6,000.
01:32The same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers.
01:46Lister R.D. 52169.
01:49Yes? Can I help you?
01:52You've got a lisp?
01:53Yes, I know. The lisp malfunction has been reported to the scutters.
01:57Sorry for the inconvenience.
01:58Can you give me a bacon sandwich with French mustard and black coffee?
02:05Your phone cabinet knew it's not working either.
02:08Yes, I know. This also has been reported to the scutters.
02:11Sorry for the inconvenience.
02:12Can you just try and give me a black coffee?
02:15I'll certainly try.
02:21That's a bookie.
02:22Sorry.
02:26Morning, Lister. How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied spank?
02:31Ah, what's the plan for the day, then?
02:33Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon,
02:35then a bit of a snooze before the day and evening.
02:37Slob?
02:38God, you're a disgrace to the species.
02:44Good morning, Rimmer.
02:48Clock stop.
02:506.47. Not a bad little time for the mile.
02:54Pity I was only doing the 300 metres.
02:56Still, I had that conversation with Lister,
02:59knocked four minutes off for that.
03:01Then I stopped to have a rest
03:02so I wouldn't look too shagged out when I went past him.
03:05Knocked that off.
03:06I've broken the world record.
03:08Well done, Rimmersy. You're fitter than you thought.
03:10Holly, give me a clean uniform.
03:129.47 a.m., Arnold.
03:14No, a clean uniform, you idiot.
03:16Look, I'm rather busy at the moment.
03:18Now!
03:23Give me a crew cut, Holly.
03:25I'm beginning to look like one of those hell's angels.
03:28Arnold, we're going to hit light speed in 24 hours.
03:31I have to navigate a ship the size of a city
03:34through speeds never before encountered
03:36in the human sphere of experience.
03:38I'm not a combination of the speaking clock,
03:41moss-bross and teasy-weezy.
03:43Holly, a hologram I may be,
03:46but I'm still the highest-ranking technician
03:48aboard this ship.
03:49When I say do something, you do it.
03:52Understand?
03:52You stupid, jumped-up filofax.
03:55I'm a what?
03:56You heard.
03:57Just get on with it.
03:58Very short.
04:00Okay, Arnold.
04:04Have you done it, Holly?
04:06Yes.
04:07A crew cut, and it's very short?
04:09Yes, Arnold.
04:10As my father always said,
04:12shiny, clean boots and a spanking short haircut
04:15and you can cope with anything.
04:17It's all about to pull that
04:18rather unfortunate suicide business.
04:26Ah, now that one's me with Jim Bexley-Speed.
04:30He played the London Jet Zero Gravity football team.
04:33He was roof attack.
04:34As you can see,
04:35he was really, really, really, really, really thrilled to meet me.
04:40Who's that guy?
04:41That's my grandmother.
04:43She brought you up.
04:44She was a great old lady.
04:46I got expelled from school once
04:47because she nutted the headmaster
04:48when I came bottom in French.
04:51Wow, that's nice.
04:52That's just a Jupiter rise.
04:53Everyone takes that shot.
04:57Who is that?
04:59That's me dad.
05:00That's the only picture of God.
05:02He's your father.
05:03No wonder you're so ugly.
05:05No, no, that's his dog, Hannah.
05:07Dog? What's a dog?
05:08It's just a pet.
05:10Ugly.
05:11Listen, you go and get your stuff
05:13and let me pack mine, okay?
05:14Will you do that for me?
05:16This dog,
05:17he better not be around here anyplace
05:19because if he is,
05:20I may have to chase him.
05:22Oh, yeah?
05:23Yeah.
05:23Do you know how big they are?
05:24They're about 18 foot long
05:26and they've got teeth as big as your leg.
05:29Yeah?
05:30Yeah?
05:30Well, I may have to chase him anyway.
05:32Oh!
05:36Oh, Lennon.
05:37Look what's happened to McCartney.
05:44Anyway.
05:59Hey, perfection!
06:01And they said she was a waste of money.
06:13What's he looking at?
06:15Who?
06:16That idiotic cat.
06:22Rimmer, what have you done to your hair?
06:24Holly did it.
06:25Why?
06:26Because I ordered it to.
06:27It looks ridiculous.
06:29It may look ridiculous to you, Lister,
06:30but I like it like this.
06:32It makes me feel like a man.
06:35Yeah, and you'll probably get one looking like that.
06:38There's nothing wrong with short hair, Lister.
06:40It gives a man a sense of dignity,
06:42a sense of discipline.
06:42Rimmer, have you seen it?
06:44I don't need to see it.
06:46I didn't get this haircut to look good.
06:48This is a haircut designed for action,
06:50not poncing around in.
06:52Maybe a bit severe,
06:54a bit too green beret.
06:58But you are how you look,
07:00and I look
07:01like a complete and total tit.
07:06Holly, Holly!
07:08This is a recording.
07:10I'm afraid Holly is busy at the moment.
07:12If you'd like to leave a message
07:13after the bleep,
07:14he'll get back to you.
07:16Bleep.
07:18Holly, this is Rimmer.
07:20Remember me?
07:21Rimmer.
07:21Arnold Rimmer.
07:22The poor goit you made
07:24look like Helen Shapiro.
07:26I'll see you toast
07:27on the fires of hell for this.
07:29Did someone say they wanted toast?
07:31Shut up.
07:33What are you doing?
07:35I'm going into stasis.
07:36I thought Holly told you.
07:37Stasis?
07:38What for?
07:38Well, Holly said to go into,
07:40I went through light speed,
07:41and then I thought,
07:41what the hell?
07:42Why not stay until we get back to Earth?
07:44Earth?
07:45That's three million years away.
07:46You can't leave me alone
07:47for three million years.
07:48I'll go peculiar.
07:53Holly, look, I'm sorry.
07:54I didn't mean to be rude.
07:55Can I please have my own hair back?
07:58Pretty please with sugar on?
08:00I'll think about it, Arnold.
08:05Holly's supposed to have told you.
08:06I thought you didn't mind.
08:08Mind?
08:09Mind?
08:09Why should I mind?
08:10300,000 millennia alone
08:12while you're in suspended animation.
08:14I'll be fine.
08:15I'll do that crossword book.
08:16That should kill a couple of centuries.
08:17Holly will switch you off
08:18until we come back out.
08:19Even better.
08:20Switch me on, switch me off
08:22like I'm some battery-powered sex aid.
08:24Oh, come on, Rimmer.
08:25Don't give me this.
08:26Don't give you what?
08:27I'm dead, Lister.
08:28Or haven't you noticed?
08:29I know you're dead, Rimmer.
08:30Don't whinge on about it.
08:33Sorry to be a bore.
08:35I mean, everything you wear
08:36when you were alive,
08:37same personality,
08:39same everything.
08:40Apart from the minuscule detail
08:41that I'm a stiffy.
08:44But Rimmer, death isn't the handicap
08:45it used to be in the olden days.
08:47It doesn't screw your career up
08:48like it used to.
08:49That's what they say, Lister,
08:50but if you had two people
08:51coming for a job
08:52and one of them was dead,
08:53which one would you choose?
08:56It depends which is better qualified.
08:59Bullpats.
08:59When was the last time
09:00you saw a dead newsreader?
09:03Channel 27,
09:04I have a hologram reading the news.
09:06Oh, groovy, funky
09:08Channel 27.
09:10Big smegging deal.
09:12You Libby's hate us, deadies.
09:13Rimmer, if I'm going to go back to Earth,
09:15I'm going to have to go into stasis.
09:18It's going to take 4,000 years
09:19just to turn around.
09:21You can't do a 3.10
09:22when you're this close to light speed,
09:24you know.
09:24Oh, really?
09:25Where did you read that?
09:26The Lady Bird book of astro-navigation?
09:29It happens to be true.
09:31I know it's true, Modo.
09:32I have taken the astro-navigation exam
09:34nine times.
09:35Ten, if you count the time
09:36I had my spasm.
09:38Rimmer, you'll only be turned off
09:40until we get back to Earth.
09:42Where you won't need me,
09:43so I won't get switched back on.
09:45They might be able to cure you.
09:46They probably made great advances in that
09:48while we've been away.
09:48Oh, yes.
09:50I expect they cured death
09:51the instant we left Earth.
09:53I expect doctors' surgeries
09:54are packed with the dead.
09:56Hello, Mrs Johnson.
09:57Take one of these
09:58three times a day.
09:59You'll soon be living again.
10:00Carol, next corpse, please.
10:03Or they might?
10:04Yes, Lister, they might
10:05if the Earth hasn't blown up.
10:06Or the ants haven't taken over.
10:09Well, you'll be in your element
10:10if insects are in control.
10:11You'll probably get a decent job at last.
10:13Yeah.
10:14You'll probably run for government.
10:16You'll probably even make it
10:18as a male model.
10:22Yes.
10:35Today, time to...
10:40Yes, sir, I've been around
10:43But there ain't no place
10:46in the homeless bay
10:49Like that good old toddlin' town
10:52Oh, Luna...
11:11Luna City 7
11:12You can't sing, you know.
11:15And you can, can you?
11:17Oh, just cause I'm a toaster
11:18I'm tone deaf.
11:19Well, go on, then.
11:22Welcome to the Starlight Ballroom, hey
11:24Fly me to the moon
11:27And let me...
11:30Luna City 7
11:31In my life
11:33Turn your spoke up
11:36If you don't talk in time
11:40What was that?
11:42Um, uh, 11.14 ship time, Dave.
11:45No, Holly, what was that flash?
11:48We've broken the light barrier
11:4922 hours early
11:51Oh, is everyone all right?
11:53I can't do it
11:54I can't cope
11:55We're going at the speed of light
11:57Me bottle's gone
11:59Holly, is everyone all right?
12:02No, I'm not
12:03I thought I could navigate at light speed
12:05But I just can't wrap me head round it
12:08Gordon Bennett, that was a close one
12:11Holly, what's the problem?
12:12You're supposed to have an IQ of 6,000, aren't you?
12:14Look, we're travelling faster than the speed of light
12:17That means by the time we see something
12:19We've already passed through it
12:20Even with an IQ of 6,000
12:22It's still brown trousers time
12:26Can I help?
12:28No, it's all right
12:29I'm getting the hang of it now
12:30Left a bit
12:32Straighten her up
12:32I better go
12:43Rimmer, Rimmer!
12:57Rimmer!
12:58Took any meat and tights
12:59And yes, sir, I've been a
13:03Rimmer!
13:06What? What is it?
13:08Did you see anything really weird in that mirror?
13:13Yes, you, you ugly goit
13:14No, it was really odd
13:18What was?
13:19Oh, nothing, forget it, it doesn't matter
13:22What doesn't matter?
13:23Nothing, forget it, it doesn't matter
13:26Lister, have you been to that marijuana gin again?
13:28I said forget it, it doesn't matter
13:31Fine, well, if you have any more problems with nothing
13:33And things that don't matter
13:34Just scream out my name hysterically
13:36And I'll come melting down the corridor
13:38All right?
13:45Well, I said this little kitty went to stay since
13:47Or this little kitty stayed at home
13:52Yeah, my clothes look good
13:54What are you doing?
13:55I'm doing what you said do
13:57I said take a few essential basics
14:00You couldn't bear to leave behind
14:02Right!
14:02these are all I'm taking just these and the other ten racks like you can't take
14:10all of this there's no room okay and I'll leave this I'll just have to do
14:18without it you can take two suits and that's it two suits then I'm staying you
14:24can't stay by the time I come out you'll be dead two suits is dead hey if I cut
14:30off my leg and leave it behind can I take three go into stasis in ten minutes I'll
14:36meet you in a sleeping quarters yo Rimmer look I've been thinking what you know
14:42about going into stasis and everything how did I do what what you mean how did I do
14:50what Lister don't be a gimboid I'm not being a gimboid I've just been in the
14:58library thinking and I've decided shut up as I was saying before I was so rudely
15:05interrupted I've decided when you go into stasis I want to stay behind I want to
15:09be left on what on your own for the rest of your life what things I said what
15:17what's going on you're space crazy I'm space crazy you're the one who's space
15:25crazy well it probably is deja vu it sounds like it
15:38I've just seen you walk out of that door what how did you do that how did I do
15:44what he's just a second walk out of that door Lister don't be a gimboid I swear on
15:49me grandmother's life as you walked out of that door you came in this one I've
15:54just been in the library thinking and I've decided I'm telling you shut up as I
15:58was saying before I was so rudely interrupted I've decided when you go
16:01into stasis I want to stay behind I want to be left on remember you just come in
16:05and said exactly these things what things you said that I said what and that you said
16:10that you are space crazy and then you said well it probably is deja vu well it
16:16probably is deja vu it sounds like it well go on then shake your head and walk out
16:27I'm gonna listen will you just listen my tooth my tooth I think I lost my tooth can't wait remember
16:33listen I'm gonna eat you little dishes I'm gonna eat you listen I was just making sure your fish are
16:42okay I wasn't gonna eat them he just walked past us it must be something to do with light speed
16:48Holly what's going on it's light speed about you is your name Holly is your name home Holly hmm
16:54what is going on look I'm a 10th generation AI hologrammic computer I'm not your mum yes
17:02fantastic what do you want this time a hand with your homework would you like me to
17:06sew little name tags in your PE kit Holly watch my lips what is happening with the mirror and the
17:16cat and
17:16everything oh that you're seeing future echoes didn't I explain this to you what are future
17:22echoes how simple do you want this uh so Lister can understand it oh dear it's difficult I know
17:31well we're traveling faster than LS right what's LS light speed smart ass consequently you're catching up
17:39with things you're about to do before you've actually done them ah so we're seeing bits of the future yes
17:45see I told you it was light speed you should have asked me can they see us of course not
17:50use your
17:51loaf so wait are you saying that the cat is gonna break his tooth sometime in the future yes I
17:57didn't
17:57think you wanted it this simple ain't nobody gonna break my tooth how long is this gonna last until the
18:04reverse thrust takes effect and we drop below light speed what's that photograph it's me and Frankenstein
18:10isn't it another one with the babies babies I've never seen it before Holly is this what you call a
18:18future
18:18echo yes of course it is I was out two babies how do we get two babies
18:35but there ain't no place in the whole space what's this guys don't go into stasis please don't leave
18:43us with Rima I'm sorry guys I've got to we need you I mean it's not for me here I
18:49want to go back to
18:50air I don't do that I mean I don't care what it's like it's gonna be better than this I
18:55don't care if
18:56the dolphins have taken over and all the people in the human being it's area you know I just want
19:01to find
19:17out what was that brace yourself for a bit of a shot Lister but I just saw you die what
19:22I didn't want
19:23you to brace yourself you didn't give me much of a chance I gave you ample bracing time no you
19:29didn't
19:29even pause well I'm sorry I've just had a rather nasty experience I have just seen someone I know
19:35die in the most the hideous hideous way yeah me you're fiddling around with a nappy I don't want to
19:43know I don't want to know you don't want to know how you die no was it quick well I
19:50wouldn't say it
19:51was super fast not after you count the thrashing around and the agonized squealing really loving this
19:58aren't you what a horrible thing to say it was definitely me oh yes I don't want to know how
20:06old
20:06did I look how old do you know 25 how old did I look mid-twenties I'm not ready I'm
20:14not smeg and
20:15ready you did seem surprised ah did you actually see me face you were wearing a hat but it was
20:23definitely you well there you go I won't wear a hat and it can happen can it I can live
20:27without a hat
20:27Lister it has happened you can't change it any more than you can change what you had for breakfast
20:32yesterday yeah it hasn't happened does it it has will have going to have happen happened but hasn't
20:38actually happened happened yet actually poppycock it will be happened it shall be going to be happening
20:45it will be what an event that could will have been taken place in the future your buckets being kicked
20:52baby
20:53says you says me and Albert Einstein thank you very much elbow and I happen to agree on this one
20:59it's called the
21:01theory of relativity right okay okay right the cap broke his tooth in a future echo right now if I
21:10can stop
21:11him breaking it can't be done then it can stop me from dying can't be done now how would the
21:15cap break
21:16his tooth it'd be eating something eating something hard my robot goldfish eating my robot goldfish
21:26Holly where's the cat he's just going into your sleeping quarters Dave oh smeg in hell yeah I'm back feeling
21:45good I wish I was someone else then I could kiss me I think I'll investigate these I just ate
21:54but one
21:55little fishy yeah yeah I'm gonna eat you little fishies I'm gonna eat you little fishies yeah yeah I got
22:08you
22:08baby I'm gonna I got the fish I'm not gonna die I'm not gonna die you crazy monkey you crease
22:17my suit
22:18my tooth my tooth my tooth my tooth I think I lost my tooth Lister allow me to be the
22:29first to offer my
22:30commiserations you're really really loving this aren't you come on death isn't a handicap it used
22:38to be in the olden days it doesn't screw your career up the way it used to you're right there's
22:44always some
22:44good in every situation absolutely Lister and in this case you're about to do the largest splits
22:50you'll ever do in your life I get blown up then bits of you do it's not fair there's loads
22:58of
22:58things I've never done like I've never had a prawn vindaloo and I've never read a book I wanted to
23:09have a
23:09family and I wanted to have loads of practicing the things that you've got to do to get a family
23:16Holly I'd like to send an internal memo black border begins to Dave Lister condolences on your passing
23:25away what's that poem now weary traveler rest your head for just like me you're utterly dead
23:37emergency emergency there's an emergency going on what is it hole there's an emergency Dave the
23:44navicomp's overheating I need your help in the drive room come in number 169 your time is up okay what
23:52was
23:52her wearing uh that jacket and that red t-shirt you said yourself I can't stop it let's get it
24:01over
24:01with uh listen what's that for I'm going out like I came in screaming and kicking you can't whack death
24:08on the head if he comes near me I'm gonna rip his nipples off I'm afraid it can't cope with
24:28the influx of
24:28data at like speed Dave could you hook it up to the drive computer for me
24:49six
24:52five
24:57four
24:59three
25:04two
25:09one
25:12I did it I'm not going to die
25:17dog attack
25:26I don't know why you're so chirpy
25:28for how long
25:29probably on tomorrow or Thursday
25:31maybe it's not going to happen at all
25:32it was you I saw you I'm sure it was you
25:39this is me I mean you I mean I am you this is you aged a hundred and seventy one
25:47Dave I know you're
25:49there because when I was your age I saw me at my age telling you what I'm about to tell
25:56you you've got to
25:58tell you when you get to be me thank heavens you've still got all your marbles
26:04I've got to tell you about Bexley who's Bexley I was always gonna call my second son Bexley after Jim
26:11Bexley speed
26:11your second son what were you gonna call your first son Jim after Jim Bexley speed it wasn't you Rimmer
26:17saw in the drive room it was Bexley
26:20Rimmer you saw me son die
26:22never mind this Todd
26:24what about me old man what happens to me do I become an officer
26:29Rimmer I'm gonna have two sons isn't it fantastic
26:31but one of them dies
26:33yeah well everyone dies you're born and you die
26:35the bit in the middle is called life and that's still to come
26:38go and get your camera you haven't got much time
26:41get your camera and run to the medical unit run
26:46what about me what happens to me
26:48he can't hear us Rimmer he's from the future
26:51ah but if I ask you now you can remember it
26:54and when you get to be him you can tell me
26:56what's thinking
26:59Rimmer you wanted to know what happened to you
27:01yes
27:02well come closer
27:03yes
27:04come closer still
27:05yes
27:06yes
27:08you goit
27:10no you goit
27:11they're all goits I'm surrounded by goits
27:14Polly you're a goit
27:15I'm a what
27:16you heard
27:17what's happening hall
27:18are we going to see my funeral or something
27:21look the faster we go the more into the future the future echoes are
27:25and now since we've just started to slow down the future echoes are nearer to the present
27:30clear
27:32no
27:32tough
27:38wait a minute
27:39I don't understand how you're supposed to get two sons without a woman on the ship
27:44neither do I
27:45but it's going to be a laugh finding out
27:49I can't see you but I know you can see me
27:51I'd like you to meet your two sons
27:53this is Jim
27:54and this is Braxley
27:56oh stop crying and say cheese boys
28:02it's cold outside
28:04there's no kind of atmosphere
28:06I'm full alone
28:07more or less
28:09let me fly
28:11I'm far away from here
28:12fun, fun, fun
28:15it's the sun, sun, sun
28:29fun, fun
28:31fun, fun
28:32it's the sun, sun
28:35fun, fun
28:37fun, fun
28:37it's the sun, sun, sun
28:38it's the sun, sun, sun
28:40it's the sun, sun, sun
28:41it's the sun, sun, sun
28:42fun, fun
28:43it's the sun, sun, sun
28:43fun, fun
28:45it's the sun, sun, sun
28:47fun, fun
28:47it's the sun, sun, sun
28:47fun, fun
28:48You
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