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A cult British sci-fi comedy series that follows Dave Lister, the last surviving human aboard the mining spaceship Red Dwarf, after a radiation leak wipes out the crew. Joined by a hologram bunkmate, a humanoid cat evolved from his pet feline, and an anxious service mechanoid, Lister embarks on bizarre adventures filled with humor, space exploration, time travel, and absurd situations.
Relevant Tags
Science fiction, Sitcom, British comedy, Space adventure, Cult classic, Comedy series, Time travel, Futuristic, Space crew, Alien encounters, Sci-fi comedy, Dark humor, Adventure, Space survival, Classic TV, Humor, British television, Fantasy, Satire, Retro sci-fi
Relevant Tags
Science fiction, Sitcom, British comedy, Space adventure, Cult classic, Comedy series, Time travel, Futuristic, Space crew, Alien encounters, Sci-fi comedy, Dark humor, Adventure, Space survival, Classic TV, Humor, British television, Fantasy, Satire, Retro sci-fi
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FunTranscript
00:27To be continued...
00:40To be continued...
01:26To be continued...
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04:09To be continued...
04:38To be continued...
04:43What, you mean next door?
04:44It's not the place, Lister, it's the company.
04:47I'm about to share my life with someone who will give me encouragement and understanding, the thrust and parry of
04:52meaningful conversation.
04:54Everything tickety-boo?
04:56Absolute want, Mr. River.
04:57I'll be along, Mr. River.
04:58I'll be along, Mr. River.
04:58I'll be along with a lickety-split.
05:01Carry on.
05:08What a guy.
05:09I just don't know why I didn't think of this before.
05:11A duplicate meal is...
05:13be in the book, Miss?
05:15Be very careful. It's an antique. It's an antique. It's absolutely priceless.
05:24It's an antique. It's an antique and priceless.
05:42Ah, Lister, be very careful with that. It's an antique, absolutely priceless.
05:46Gosh, I just said that.
05:48Did you really? That's incredible. What a lovely story.
05:52Why have you got no smoking signs up when neither of you smoke?
05:57Because they're our no smoking signs and we happen to think they look rather striking.
06:01Whoa! What's all this?
06:05Arnold's talks with us. I owe it all to Rimmer. Arnie does it best.
06:09This is very funny stuff.
06:11Uh, just go.
06:13I mean, because your name's Arnold Rimmer, and even though these headlines are about other people,
06:18you've cut them out and put them on the wall so people will think that about you.
06:21Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Go on, out!
06:24This joke's going to keep me laughing all through the winter.
06:27Listen, we don't have to take this anymore. We don't have to put up with your snidey remarks,
06:30your total slobbiness, your socks that set off the sprinkler system.
06:33Just that they kick our new quarters.
06:36Bye-bye, Rimmer. No, sorry. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Rimmer Rimmer.
06:54I'll be back.
07:10Goit.
07:10my body is available. Please form a cue. No squabbling. This is your lucky day.
07:23Ecstasy! We're talking mega ecstasy bliss. I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like.
07:38I'm a free man. And you see those socks? You see them? They're going right where they belong,
07:48all over the floor where any self-respecting bachelor would keep them. I'm gonna have the
07:54bottom bunk, the big bunk. And I'm gonna leave the top of the shampoo. And I'm gonna squeeze
08:02the toothpaste. Right from the middle. In fact, I'm gonna do all the things that grow
08:10from the bonkers. I'm gonna crack me knuckles. I'm gonna grind me teeth. I'm gonna live for
08:17machines. Yes! Oh, smeg it out. What? What's this? Video of Rimm is deaf. Holly, get us some popcorn
08:39and put the video on for us, would you?
08:41Oh, I can just about manage that, I suppose.
08:49BSC? SSC?
08:50What's that?
08:51Bronze swimming certificate and silver swimming certificate.
08:54He's a total lunatic.
08:57Hello.
08:57This video pays homage to a man
09:00who fell short of greatness by a gnat's wing.
09:03Before we see a digitalised recording of his final moments,
09:06there's going to be a lengthy tribute
09:09interspersed with poetry readings read by me.
09:12Whoa, spin on!
09:15Poetry in motion.
09:18And if it hadn't been for those people
09:20who kept dragging him down, pulling him down,
09:23pulling him back...
09:23Spin on!
09:27If you put Napoleon in quarters with Lister,
09:30he'd still be in Corsica peeling spuds.
09:32Spin on!
09:35We see the final moments of Arnold J. Rimmer.
09:39Yes!
09:41Look, it was your job to fix it, Rimmer.
09:44You can't do sloppy work on the drive plate.
09:47I know, sir,
09:48and I accept full responsibility for any consequences.
09:52Emergency.
09:53There's an emergency going on.
09:55And it's still going on.
09:57Arnold Rimmer, please hurry to White Corridor 159.
10:00GASPACHO SOUP!
10:01It's an emergency announcement.
10:07Off!
10:10Gaspacho soup?
10:12Why would his last words,
10:13Gaspacho soup?
10:14Attention, Lady Pat!
10:16Sensual emergency!
10:18Good loving needed bed!
10:20Wow!
10:22Hey, no girls here?
10:23What a waste of a good move!
10:26Shame!
10:27I'm looking so dangerous, too!
10:29Wow!
10:30Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
10:32Cats!
10:33Huh?
10:33What are you doing?
10:35I'm courting.
10:38Courting who?
10:40Whoever shows up!
10:41I told you before,
10:43there's no other cats on board.
10:45If I believed that for one minute,
10:46I'd go crazy.
10:48Wow!
10:49Yeah, yeah!
10:50Yeah, yeah!
10:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:55Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:00Up, up, up!
11:02Stretch, stretch, stretch!
11:03Stretch further!
11:04And rest!
11:05No!
11:05Keep jumping!
11:06Absolutely, keep on going!
11:07Keep the pain barrier!
11:08Jump, jump, jump!
11:10And rest!
11:11What are you doing, man?
11:12I'm resting!
11:12It's going all grey!
11:13That's the pain barrier!
11:14Beat it!
11:15You're right!
11:16You're absolutely right!
11:17Keep it going!
11:17And rest!
11:19Brilliant!
11:19That extra little bit,
11:20that's what it's all about.
11:21What time do we get up?
11:22Oh, early,
11:23half past eight?
11:24No, earlier than that, seven.
11:26How about six?
11:27No, half past four.
11:30It's the middle of the night.
11:32You wanted driving, I'm driving you.
11:34Once again, Arnold, you're absolutely right.
11:36Holly, alarm call at 4.30 in the morning.
11:38Make it the Sonic Boom Extra Loud emergency one.
11:41Yes, Arnold. And Arnold?
11:42What are you doing, Arnold?
11:44I'm going to bed, Arnold.
11:46But it's two in the morning.
11:48You could get in a couple of hours' revision easily.
11:50But I'm getting up in a minute.
11:53You take porous circuits in Esperanto.
11:55I'll take thermal energy in the history of philosophy.
11:58Fantastic. This is what I always dreamed of.
12:00I'm in heaven.
12:01Better than six.
12:05It's 4.30. Here is your early morning alarm call.
12:15That's the way. Smooth and even. Up and down.
12:19Ah, listen up.
12:20Bon-on-matenon.
12:22Didn't wake you, I trust?
12:24No, I haven't been to bed yet.
12:26But it's five past five in the morning.
12:28It's practically lunchtime.
12:30What are you doing?
12:33It's called work, Lister.
12:34I didn't think he'd recognise it.
12:35W-O-R-K.
12:37It is in the dictionary.
12:38Come on. Paint.
12:39Paint, paint, paint.
12:40But why are they painting the color the same color it was before?
12:43They're changing it from ocean gray to military gray.
12:46Something that should have been done a long time ago.
12:48Looks exactly the same to me.
12:50No, no, no, no.
12:53That's the new military gray bit there.
12:55And that's the dowdy old nasty ocean gray bit there.
12:59Or is it the other way round?
13:02It doesn't matter, Rimmer. It's very nice.
13:04So how's Mrs. Rimmer?
13:06Tee-hee-hodle-ha.
13:08Why don't you just get back into your cesspit or you won't have the energy for a full day's slob?
13:13I just wondered what you talked about and that, you know.
13:16Millions of things, Lister.
13:18Apart from being a complete genius, that man happens to be a total delight.
13:21Has me in stitches all the time.
13:23But, I mean, he knows everything you know and you know everything he knows.
13:27So what do you talk about?
13:28We reminisce.
13:30Chew over old times.
13:31Past glories.
13:32Old girlfriends.
13:34Oh, you mean Yvonne Magruder?
13:36Don't say Yvonne Magruder as if she's the only one.
13:39Oh, go on then. Name one other girlfriend, then.
13:41Lister, I'm far, far, far too much of a gentleman to stoop to that kind of shower room mentality.
13:47All you need to know about Yvonne Magruder is I gave her one.
13:53Fine. Very nice. Very, very nice.
13:56So, um, what's gazpacho soup?
14:00What?
14:01It's just the day with your last words and I wondered why.
14:04You've been watching my death video, haven't you?
14:06That's private. It's for my enjoyment only.
14:10It just seems like such a strange thing to say, gazpacho soup.
14:13Well, I'm sorry. I didn't have time to sit down and bash out a speech in iambic pentameter.
14:18I was hit in the face by an atomic explosion.
14:21But why gazpacho soup?
14:23That, Lister, is something you will never, ever know.
14:26Arnold, you asked me to remind you when it was time for your Esperanto revision.
14:29Thank you, Holly. You two, carry on.
14:41A to Z of Red Dwarf.
14:46I thought so.
14:50My diary by Arnold J. Rimmie.
14:54January the 1st, I have decided to keep a journal of my thoughts and deeds over the coming year.
14:59A daily chart of my progress through the echelons of command.
15:03So that perhaps one day, other aspiring officers may seek enlightenment through these pages.
15:09There's my fond hope that one day, this journal will take its place alongside Napoleon's war diaries
15:14and the memories of Julius Caesar.
15:18Next entry.
15:21July the 17th.
15:24Auntie Maggie's birthday.
15:31November the 25th.
15:33Gazpacho soup day.
15:36That's six weeks before the crew got wiped out.
15:44He won't find that one.
15:47Not until he changes his boots.
15:49Oh!
15:51Did you see him clearly?
15:52Did you get a good look at his face?
15:54Could you spot him in a parade?
15:55I don't think so.
15:56I could have been anybody.
16:07Ten and three quarter centimetres.
16:10Plus five for not breaking.
16:12And that is a big, big score.
16:14But the Browns are going to have to do something quite sensational with their last bubble.
16:18Quiet, please.
16:19Busy day.
16:21Well, yeah, I am, actually.
16:23Oh, then you won't want to know about the two supra light speed fighters that are tracking us.
16:28What?
16:29I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate.
16:31No, Holly, come on.
16:33They're from Earth.
16:34That's three million years away.
16:36They're from the Norweb Federation.
16:41What's that?
16:42The North Western Electricity Board.
16:45They want you, Dave.
16:47Me?
16:47Why?
16:48What for?
16:49For your crimes against humanity.
16:51You what?
16:52Seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in
16:57your kitchen.
16:58Did I?
16:59Do you know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?
17:03Yeah, they go moldy.
17:04Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface.
17:09Also, you left 17 pounds 50 pence in your bank account.
17:13Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of all the world's wealth.
17:17And because you hoarded it for three million years, nobody's got any money except for you and Norweb.
17:23Why Norweb?
17:24You left a light on in the bathroom.
17:28Got a final demand here for 180 billion pounds.
17:32180 billion pounds?
17:35You're kidding.
17:36April 4th.
17:40But it's not April.
17:42Yeah, I know.
17:43But I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot jake like that under me.
17:48So you just made it all up, then?
17:50Yeah.
17:50Bit of excitement for a while, wasn't it?
17:53You can't beat a good wheeze.
17:55I don't need a good wheeze.
17:57Can do all my exciting for myself.
17:59No, you can't.
18:00You haven't got a clue.
18:01You're useless.
18:02Oh, that's charming.
18:02Shut up.
18:03Let's all hear you.
18:04What's that?
18:05I make you vomit.
18:06Keep your voice down.
18:08I'm not going to stand here and take this abuse.
18:10Oh, yes.
18:11When the going gets tough, the tough going have a little cry in the corner.
18:16You've got a sponge for a backbone.
18:19No wonder Father hated you.
18:21That's a lie.
18:22A lie, lie, lie, lie, lie.
18:23Then why didn't he send you to the academy?
18:26He couldn't afford it.
18:28Oh, he sent all our brothers.
18:30You're a filthy, smegging, lying, smegging liar.
18:33Face facts, man.
18:34Nobody likes you.
18:35Not even Mummy.
18:36Mummy did like me.
18:38Mummy was just busy.
18:39She had a lot of meetings to go to.
18:42Twaddle.
18:43You better watch what you say about my mummy.
18:45I'm a grown man and I'm not going to accept it.
18:46I'll grow up, Mr. Gaspacho.
18:50Mr. what?
18:51I said, Mr. Gaspacho, Diffy.
18:56That is the most obscenely hurtful thing.
18:59Good.
18:59That's the straw that broke the dromedary, that is.
19:03You're finished, Rimmer.
19:04Now, you're finished, Rimmer.
19:13Ah, Lister.
19:16How are you?
19:18I'm tickety-boo.
19:20What you want?
19:22I don't suppose you managed to get that blue tack together for me, have you?
19:26Rimmer, it's 3am.
19:28It doesn't matter.
19:29It can wait till the morning.
19:30I'm just going to sleep here, OK, till you're ready.
19:34Everything all right, is it?
19:36Sure.
19:37Absolutely, yeah, sure.
19:39No problems, then?
19:40No, no, no.
19:42Things couldn't be hunky-dory-er.
19:45It's just what I thought I heard, you know, um...
19:49Raised voices.
19:51It's quite an amusing thought, isn't it, having a blazing row with yourself.
19:57Hit the wall! Go on! Hit the wall!
19:59Go on! Yeah! Yeah!
20:02Can you shut up, Rimmer? Some of us are trying to sleep!
20:06Obviously, we have professional disagreements.
20:09But, I mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious.
20:12Shut up, you dead git!
20:16Excuse me a second, Lister, will you?
20:22Stop your foul whining, you filthy piece of disdained rectum!
20:31Lister.
20:32There's no point in concealing it any more.
20:35Rimmer and me, we've had a bit of a tiff.
20:39Nothing major, but it goes without saying, it was his fault!
20:56Miles from Earth? Deep in the heart of the solar system?
20:59And you fancy a curry?
21:00Then, why not drop in at the Titan Taj Mahal Indian restaurants.
21:05Enjoy the finest tandoori cuisine at one-fifth gravity.
21:09Just a short space walk from this cinema.
21:17Shut up!
21:18Oh, will you stop doing that?
21:19I'm trying to watch the film!
21:21I'm only eating.
21:22No, eating's when the food goes in your mouth!
21:29That's it?
21:30Yeah.
21:31What's on?
21:33Orson Welles, Citizen Kane.
21:35Er, there's no smoking on this side. You should be sitting over there.
21:39Nobody's complaining.
21:40Yes, they are. I am.
21:42So would you kindly move to the proper designated smoking area for the convenience of other patrons?
21:49I thought you hated films.
21:51Me?
21:51No.
21:52Did a film course at night school.
21:54Citizen Kane, eh?
21:55That's...
21:56That's Orson Welles.
22:01That's Citizen Kane, all right.
22:03Unmistakable.
22:04Why are you here?
22:05Where's your wife?
22:06Don't ask me.
22:07He's nothing to do with me anymore.
22:09Last time I saw him, he was redoing my paintwork.
22:12Changing it from military grey back to ocean grey.
22:14He's quite, quite mad.
22:19Mr. Cat?
22:23Excuse me, I can't see.
22:26Excuse me, I can't see through the back of your stupid, curly-haired, sticky-out-eared head.
22:33Yeah.
22:34Move.
22:36Look, I just happened to choose a seat at random.
22:38If you're unhappy with your seat, I suggest you move.
22:41Right.
22:43Now, where shall I sit?
22:49No, that's a nice seat.
22:53Look at this.
22:54Mr. Maturity.
23:01Will you two guys just grow up?
23:04Two?
23:04I think there's only one immature person around here.
23:07We'll know who it is.
23:12Hey, now.
23:13What do you think of Arnold Rimmer?
23:20This can't go on.
23:21One of you's has got to go.
23:22Yes, him.
23:24Look, it's crystal smegging clear which one of us has got to go.
23:26Yes, you.
23:27Look, I was here first.
23:28I nursed Listie through those early, delicate days.
23:31Look, we are identical.
23:32We're exactly the same person, only all mentally unstable.
23:36Hippie dippie, my space shippie, on a course so true.
23:39Past Neptune and Pluto's moon, the one I choose is you.
23:43Excellent, excellent decision, Listie.
23:44Turn him off.
23:45And the one you end on is the one who stays, yeah?
23:47It's you, Rimmer.
23:48Wait a minute.
23:48Wait a minute.
23:49Just hold your horses.
23:50Hang on.
23:50It's your own fault, Rimmer.
23:52If you'd have given me Kachowski's hologram,
23:54none of this would have happened.
23:55You made the bed.
23:56You lie in it.
23:56Drive room, ten minutes.
23:59Drive room, five minutes.
24:03I don't believe it.
24:04I'll be hippie dippie today.
24:12I want you out.
24:14What have I said?
24:15Just out?
24:16There's precious little entertainment on this ship.
24:21I mean, if you can't attend the odd execution, what have you got left?
24:24Out, come on.
24:29Don't forget to write.
24:31You great Nancy.
24:39Lister.
24:41Fancy a drink?
24:43I didn't know you had any medals.
24:45What are they?
24:47Three years long service.
24:48Six years long service.
24:50Nine years long service.
24:52Twelve years long service.
24:54Come on, just one drink.
24:57I'll have a whiskey.
24:58Holly, give him a whiskey.
24:59How would you like it?
25:01Straight.
25:02With ice and lemonade, a cherry and a slice of lemon.
25:08Another.
25:12And another.
25:16And another.
25:17Make it a double.
25:22So, what's all this gazpacho soup business?
25:26What's it all about?
25:28I suppose now I'm doomed, I can tell you.
25:33Gazpacho soup.
25:35It was the greatest night of my life.
25:38I'd been invited to the captain's table.
25:43I'd only been with the company 14 years.
25:47Six officers and me.
25:50They called me Arnold.
25:54We had gazpacho soup for starters.
25:58I didn't know gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold.
26:03I called over the chef.
26:05And I told him to take it away and bring it back hot.
26:10He did.
26:12The looks on their faces still haunt me today.
26:16I thought they were laughing at the chef.
26:19When all the time they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup.
26:26I never ate at the captain's table again.
26:30That was the end of my career.
26:32Oh, come on.
26:32Anyone could have made that mistake.
26:34If only they'd mentioned it in basic training.
26:38Instead of climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through tunnels.
26:42If only just once they'd said gazpacho soup is served cold.
26:46I could have been an admiral by now.
26:50Instead of a nothing.
26:52Which is what I am, let's face it.
26:54Oh, come on.
26:55You're not a nothing.
26:56He is.
26:57You were right.
26:58I know I'm right.
27:00I never got off the bottom rung.
27:03And do you know why?
27:04Because I didn't have the right knobby parents.
27:08I bet Todd Hunter was served gazpacho soup the moment he was on solids.
27:13No, I bet he was breastfed with it.
27:17One side gazpacho soup.
27:19The other side freely dispensing chilled champagne.
27:23Is this going to go on all day?
27:24I thought he was going to get wiped.
27:27Yes, go on.
27:28Turn me off.
27:29Go on.
27:29Turn me off.
27:30Get rid of me.
27:32I've already done it.
27:33I wiped the other one.
27:37What?
27:38When?
27:40Just before you came in.
27:42And you let me stand here and bare my soul?
27:45Yeah.
27:47You see, I wanted to find out about gazpacho soup, but I knew you wouldn't tell me.
27:52Well, of course I wouldn't tell you.
27:53You'd make my life a hell with gazpacho soup jokes for the rest of my life.
27:58I promise, I swear I will never ever mention this conversation again.
28:04And when I swear, I mean it.
28:07You promise?
28:08I promise.
28:37You swear absolutely.
28:39It's a kind of atmosphere.
28:40I'll fall alone, more or less.
28:43I'll fall alone.
28:45I'll fall alone, more or less.
28:46I'll fall alone.
28:49I'll fall alone.
28:54I'll fall alone.
29:04I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:10I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:13I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:18I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:18I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:21I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:22I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:25I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:25I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:25I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:25I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:25I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:26I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:27I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:27I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:27I'll fall alone, more or less.
29:28I'll fall alone, more or less.
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