- 2 days ago
Granddad begins dating a long-lost Kardashian sister and winds up on a reality show.
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00:00I am the stone that the builder refused.
00:02I am the visual, the inspiration that made ladies sing the blues.
00:06I'm the spark that makes your idea bright.
00:07The same spark that lights the dark so that you can know you're left from your right.
00:11I am the ballad in your box, the bullet, and the gun.
00:13The inner glow that lets you know to call your brother son.
00:16The story that just begun, the promise of what's to come.
00:18And I'm going to remain a soldier till the war is won.
00:45Hey TV executives, ready for another Kardashian show?
00:48Good, because the new Kardashian has new ideas.
00:52Hot damn, there's just something about her.
00:56Yep, I love Kardashian.
00:58Not too much of a man to admit it.
01:00She has everything I need in a moment.
01:05Yeah, it's still edgy.
01:07Not only because he's black, but instead of long money, he's got long balls.
01:11I'm talking like back of my kneecaps.
01:15Girl, do you know what you do to me?
01:17I trick on you.
01:20Yep.
01:23You know what you do to me?
01:25Not really.
01:26You're secure.
01:27Like how you don't get upset when fans think you're my driver or OJ Simpson or whatever.
01:31Upset?
01:32They could call me Funk Bucket Fuck You Nigga.
01:34They were outside the limousine.
01:38It's so funny.
01:39Hey kids.
01:42I got simple rules for granddad's new girls.
01:45Fool, if it's marked with a black bubble graffiti R, pause off.
01:50Ew, just like you said.
01:53Feisty.
01:54Excuse me for a quick second.
01:56Mwah!
02:02Damn it.
02:03As you know, there has been a black cloud following us.
02:05But because of this chick, that cloud has opened up and she's making it rain.
02:11How long are these cameras going to be here?
02:14Long as she wants them.
02:16Damn it.
02:18I thought you read books.
02:19She is a rich white woman.
02:20This is how black people get freed.
02:22You think Harriet Tubman could afford to build all those railroad stations alone?
02:26Hello?
02:32Aw.
02:39Hey.
02:40Mwah, mwah.
02:41Besties.
02:43Huh?
02:44Ow.
02:45Ow.
02:45Ow!
02:46Somebody help me!
02:51Fucking cheap-ass weave.
02:52Sorry I'm late, Cardi.
02:54My horoscope said keep an eye out for career opportunity.
02:57Then bam!
02:57I ran into DMX's cousin's manager at the mall.
03:01Then again in his studio apartment.
03:03And twice on his futon.
03:05I hope he calls me.
03:10That nigga Santa, he didn't even read my Amazon wish list.
03:14My food, all yours.
03:17And Huey, well, you didn't have a wish list.
03:20So I got you the default Kardashian gift.
03:23A signed Ray J CD.
03:25You don't like it?
03:27Like I give two shits what he or his brother likes.
03:30Or Kardashian for that matter.
03:32Besties my ass.
03:33If this gets picked up and I don't get a spinoff show,
03:36I'ma get a spinoff show called
03:37Black Assistant Bitches Who Kill Their Bosses.
03:40Believe that.
03:41Hey Huey,
03:41You wanna play your CD on my new computer?
03:45Psyche.
03:46Okay, girly, chop chop.
03:48We've got that appointment.
03:50It's not a doctor's appointment, is it?
03:51You're not sick.
03:52God, no.
03:54God, you can't give me a gift and then take it away.
03:59I'm not sick, silly.
04:00It's just a regular celebrity appointment.
04:02I get paid a few million to shell a product
04:04and people who live in their mother's basements
04:06talk shit about how many starving kids
04:07the money I just made could have saved.
04:09Oh, okay.
04:10Have fun.
04:11Oh.
04:13Oh, I love that.
04:21Hater alert.
04:22Hater alert.
04:24Hater alert.
04:25Nigga just mad.
04:27He didn't get toys.
04:29Hehehehe.
04:34Why we gotta clean anyway?
04:37Because we may be on national television.
04:40That must be Kardashian.
04:44It may be time to get her a key.
04:50Come on, homie.
04:52Bench.
04:52Dancing with the stars.
04:56Hey, what the hell?
04:58Hey, hey.
05:00No, no, no.
05:02Who the hell are you?
05:05I'm Kardashian's half-brother.
05:07Oh, I'm sorry.
05:09I didn't know the Kardashians had a brother.
05:11Yeah, well, I didn't know I had some floozy half-sister who was gonna pop up.
05:16Family is a blessing.
05:18No, it's not.
05:19I was up next.
05:21Now my show's pushed back.
05:23Finally, I had a chance to be famous.
05:25To spend New Year's in Vegas instead of going on some date with an autistic teen mom.
05:31Damn that Make-A-Wish Foundation.
05:34Sorry.
05:35The only reason chicks bang me is to get to my sister's.
05:38Man, I'm just looking for the right homie to help me get my own show.
05:43I am gonna be the latest Kardashian to inspire young girls.
05:47Like my non-profit Believe in Yourself, You Can Be Anorexic has already raised like 2,000 pounds of salary.
05:58Her butt, it got bigger.
06:00It just broke your perfect attendance award.
06:02So, I could just make another one.
06:04This show has to get picked up.
06:06And then we just have to stay together for at least the first season.
06:10Really?
06:10Pigs don't want to watch an old, broke dude on TV.
06:14This is bullshit.
06:15Roll with that if you want to, homie.
06:16I mean, if you like getting played.
06:18Depending on the parameters, I'm perfectly fine with it.
06:23Look at our living room.
06:25Why is everyone acting blind?
06:27Everything looks fine to me.
06:29Bench, take your wonderful ideas and go pitch your own show.
06:32Always hanging around here being jealous.
06:34Jealous of what?
06:35Why be jealous when I can do this?
06:40Seriously, I am like a huge business person, okay?
06:44I'm a business woman and like this whole thing,
06:47I can't even Google myself because like too many hits come up, okay?
06:50You're a stupid jerk.
06:51You know what I am?
06:52I'm a dancer.
06:52You're ridiculous.
06:53Seriously, I pop and lock.
06:55I pop and lock.
06:57Screw you.
06:58You're only half Kardashian.
06:59Where'd you come from anyway?
07:01I can't even believe it.
07:04Sit still on the damn couch.
07:06It's not me.
07:07It's Huey.
07:08It's her.
07:09It's her butt.
07:10Look how big it got.
07:11It's fake.
07:13I'm sorry, what?
07:15Huey's butt accusation, it really hurt me.
07:17So I decided to be the strong, tough woman I am
07:20and give him a piece of my mind.
07:26I'm sorry, baby.
07:29I don't know why everybody's so mean.
07:32Apologize.
07:33Sorry.
07:35You're taking their side.
07:37You're never on my side.
07:41If these cameras weren't on,
07:43I'd beat you so bad you'd look like impressionist art.
07:48Oh, so you did like the Monet painting I sent you.
07:50I told you.
07:53Take your ass outside.
07:56I don't know why you're not on my side.
07:57You too.
08:01Ma'am, what's the deal with her?
08:05I don't know.
08:07Her butt keeps getting bigger.
08:09There's something going on.
08:10I don't care.
08:11I'm going to be my rich girl provided weatherproof tent.
08:14You keep being ass, Columbo.
08:16Unzip me when you crack the case.
08:18Granddad is powerless over her ass.
08:20You saw what happened.
08:21Her butt's going to destroy everything.
08:24Not my problem.
08:32Seriously.
08:33One more scene of just driving that heifer to appointments
08:36and I swear I'll drop her ass off at the basketball wire set
08:39with a sign that says, I fucked your man.
08:42Hey, pretty girl.
09:04It is such bullshit that this is illegal.
09:07Not really.
09:09I'm putting used jello shots and petroleum in your ass.
09:11Whatever it takes to keep up with the Kardashians.
09:20Okay, how about a game show idea?
09:22Boxers or briefs?
09:23If the contestant guesses wrong,
09:25they have to sleep with everyone.
09:27You know, it's never bad to have two ideas
09:29when we're pitching shows.
09:31Got it.
09:32Terrorist or Italian?
09:34Because those hairy motherfuckers,
09:36they look alike.
09:38Love your style, Granddad.
09:40Call you soon.
09:40What's up, Huey?
09:43Why are you inside?
09:44Because I have something important to say.
09:46I have something important to say, too.
09:48Shut up and get back outside.
09:50Granddad,
09:51if I knew something bad was about to happen,
09:53you'd want me to tell you, right?
09:55Mmm, no.
09:56Not really.
09:59Every single black man
10:01who's touched a Kardashian ass,
10:03something goes wrong.
10:05Their brain gets sucked out.
10:07There was this one rapper
10:08who went from saying George Bush
10:10doesn't care about black people
10:11to wearing a leather kilt.
10:14Leather.
10:15I saw Kardashian at a place called Fake Cakes.
10:18It's near that illegal pinnacle spot
10:20where you used to leave me in the car
10:21while you played.
10:22Just wanted you to know
10:23what kind of reality you're getting.
10:25What I'm getting,
10:26I'm getting laid.
10:27I'm getting money.
10:28I'm getting our freedom papers.
10:30And with those three things,
10:31nothing could ever go wrong.
10:35God, I like you.
10:37Maybe I'm naive,
10:39but I just get the feeling
10:40that you like me for me,
10:41not my fame or my money.
10:44Fame?
10:45Who needs that?
10:46Nope, don't need fame.
10:48With what we build,
10:49we're going to show that love can work
10:50even if your man doesn't have a 401k.
10:54401k?
10:55A marathon that long
10:56would wreck my knees.
10:58Look,
10:58can I give you the ultimate
10:59in cable series love?
11:02You're going to try to trap me
11:04by getting pregnant?
11:06Shut up.
11:07I didn't want to seem too eager.
11:09Pregnant?
11:09Ew.
11:10I'll get bad or whatever.
11:12No, silly.
11:13A promise ring
11:14during the season finale.
11:16Then it's a deal.
11:17Let me get your best yellow wine.
11:21Wow!
11:22What's the attitude for?
11:23You knew I appreciated the final theme
11:25before we got promised?
11:27What the hell?
11:32Oh my God!
11:34Look at her butt!
11:35Ah!
11:48Please!
11:49Please!
11:50Baby, wake up!
11:52Could you please stop?
11:54Every time you do that,
11:55you're actually kind of killing her.
11:56Sorry.
11:59So what's the latest, Doctor?
12:01Well, after billing her insurance
12:03for every test possible,
12:04because let's face it,
12:05the longer I'm gone,
12:05the hotter you think I'm working,
12:06I think I've figured out the problem.
12:09Her ass exploded.
12:11I have friends with lots of extra ass.
12:14Can we donate?
12:15Well, it's always tough on friends and family
12:16when a person's ass gets this big,
12:18but I'm afraid we just have to wait.
12:20Unfortunately,
12:21you might have to make some tough decisions.
12:23This is one of the worst cases of ass I've ever seen.
12:26That's A-A-A-S,
12:28Ass Augmentation Addiction Syndrome.
12:30Doc, you gotta make her live.
12:32This isn't fair.
12:33Fair?
12:34Life tends not to be fair
12:35when you start shoving foreign objects
12:36into your keister.
12:38Sorry about that.
12:39We've got a dedicated team of doctors here.
12:41I promise we'll try our best.
12:47Call the chaplain in the morgue
12:48for the stupid girl in the ass room.
12:52Come on,
12:52we just can't sit around here and wait.
12:54I know.
12:55We'll start a walk-a-thon.
12:57The cured breast cancer,
12:58I'm sure it'll cure this.
13:00No.
13:01You want a chance to shine?
13:02Here's your chance.
13:03We're going to get justice for your sister
13:05and show how much we care.
13:07Now follow me, bitch.
13:08Oh, by the way,
13:09if anyone from the pinnacle place
13:10said owe the money,
13:11halt ass.
13:36So you get off on getting my kardashia
13:38all strung out on ass?
13:40I don't know what you're talking about.
13:41Oh, you don't know it.
13:44Did that show you?
13:45Bitch, help me show this motherfucker.
13:47Uh-huh.
13:48This is cool.
13:50No, goddammit.
13:51Open hand means put something in it
13:52so I can hit this punk-ass doctor.
13:54Hold up.
13:55I'm the sidekick?
13:56She's my dying half-sister.
13:58I came up with all the show ideas.
14:04What's taking granddad so long?
14:06I'm hungry.
14:09Clean up on bed number three, stat.
14:11This place is depressing.
14:13If I'm about to die,
14:15promise you'll just pull the plug.
14:16Nigga, if I'm about to die,
14:18keep me alive.
14:19I want to be a burden.
14:20I want my feet clean.
14:22I want my diaper changed.
14:24Keep my ass fresh until they find a cure.
14:26Man, for real, I'm starving.
14:29We got to get some food.
14:37Well, that person didn't finish his lunch.
14:39I'm up in that piece.
14:44Don't scream.
14:45It's okay.
14:46I give food to the hungry.
14:49I'm Mother Maria.
14:50Come in, young skinny black child.
14:56Yeah, you're the damn sidekick.
14:57You came up with the other shows.
14:58But this is my idea.
15:00Hey!
15:03Where you going?
15:04I'm not done with you.
15:06Sidekicks are really the most important.
15:08Audiences love them.
15:09Robin, the boy Wonder,
15:11that fantasy island tattoo guy,
15:13Chewbacca.
15:14Why don't we all just calm down?
15:15Don't tell me what to do.
15:17I need some kind of revenge for my lady.
15:19She's lying there about to die because of you.
15:21I didn't force her to do anything.
15:23I told her,
15:23even an Armenian girl's caboose has its limits.
15:26She knew the risks.
15:29I'm tired of this.
15:31Matter of fact, I'm done talking.
15:32Hit him, bitch.
15:33Trust me, be Chewbacca.
15:40Don't you ever fuck with us or anyone we love.
15:44No, no.
15:45Could you not do that?
15:46I don't know.
15:49Ha, you're gonna have a butt face.
15:51Yes, I spent my whole life feeding the hungry.
15:55I fed many brown babies,
15:58mostly the words of Jesus.
16:00Sadly, many died.
16:02You know what's really important in life?
16:11looking out for others.
16:13I guess it all started when I was a nurse in the war.
16:16I used my pantyhose as tourniquets for the troops.
16:21Looks like you lived a full life.
16:23Oh, I have.
16:24Those medals.
16:26Even got one from the vice-presidente after World War II.
16:29Yep, he gave me a medal and some smokes.
16:33Would have been nice if he visited me when I had emphysema.
16:40Who do you usually talk to?
16:42Don't you have visitors?
16:44Eh, no one cares about an old broke lady.
16:48Plus, there's some celebrity in here.
16:50They say she's got the whole floor locked down.
16:52I can't even get a nurse to change my diaper.
16:55Ew, I ain't hungry now.
16:58Ah, but I forgive her and all the people around her.
17:01Boys, there's great power in forgiveness,
17:05self-sacrifice, and thinking of yourself last.
17:12First plan, you keep her alive long enough
17:14to make sure we in the will.
17:15Plan B, she dies, you break out the tape and pitch the show.
17:18We threaten to go public and show America
17:20we're the only ones who care.
17:22Mm-hmm.
17:23Seriously, what other men in her life would have done that?
17:27You keep forgetting I just met this chick.
17:29And may we one day get to a world
17:32where no porcelain goddess
17:34feels the need to pump up her beautiful,
17:37ironing board flat ass
17:39to airbag-sized proportions
17:41just to attract some five-time baby daddy
17:44bad free-throwing nigga athlete.
17:47Amen.
17:50Hey, oh, Ruckus, what the hell are you doing here?
17:53This is a serious matter.
17:55Oh, I know it's serious.
17:56Word wide discreet is that you live in a serious nigger dream.
18:00Oh, you got your own personal ATM
18:02in the form of a rich white girl.
18:04Oh, and she ain't just any kind of white.
18:06She Armenian from the home of the glorious Caucasus Mountains.
18:10Get it?
18:11Caucasus.
18:12Caucasian.
18:12We see what you're doing.
18:14Oh, Ruckus, what's wrong with a young woman
18:16spinning on an old man?
18:17Reverse happen all the time.
18:18Oh, it just ain't natural, Robert.
18:20It ain't natural.
18:21Men are supposed to be the strong heads of a household.
18:25White women's job is to make sandwiches
18:27and look pretty.
18:28Now, once ladies start controlling the push strings,
18:31things get crazy.
18:32They just let themselves go.
18:34Hell, we got a career woman right now
18:36dining 232.
18:38Bitch lost her cell phone and her own body fat.
18:41Now that I hooked you up with camera time,
18:43you better introduce me to LeBron for real.
18:46And if you ever have a baby die in your arms,
18:49you'll notice a piece and a certain sweet smell.
18:53Like Bartlett Pears almost.
18:56Look, go on, kids.
18:57I don't want to bore you.
18:59I guess when you get to be my age,
19:01you just want a little attention, that's all.
19:03I think we know where that girl is
19:05who's hogging the nurses.
19:06We'll get one for you.
19:07God bless you, son.
19:13Let's go, Riley.
19:15I know.
19:16Damn.
19:17She got a nigga feeling all unhungry and emotional.
19:20Come on, squeeze my hand, baby.
19:22Let me know you're still there.
19:24Okay, don't squeeze my hand
19:25if you want me to be the sole beneficiary in your will.
19:29She didn't squeeze.
19:30You got that?
19:30Come on, man.
19:31Have some dignity.
19:32Let's just pull the plug.
19:33This gravy train is a wrap for all of us.
19:35We're not pulling the plug
19:36until you recognize that nun squeeze.
19:38Just pull the damn plug.
19:40If she lives, she'll be deformed.
19:42What kind of shitty life is that?
19:48Damn it, my lady is not dying
19:50until we've had real benefits talk up in here.
19:53Now I hear a nigga raising his voice and I see you.
19:57Okay, nigga, that's it.
19:58Your government benefits have expired.
20:01Come with me.
20:02If you don't get your damn hands off of me.
20:04Hey, guys, did you know there's a really important lady out there
20:07who's really sick?
20:10Wow, this is boring.
20:12I'll go see if she's hot.
20:21I hear the sad song, Q.
20:23I know it means something bad is about to happen.
20:26I watch Graves.
20:30We're in crisis mode.
20:31Only one way to save her.
20:33A full butt-to-butt blood transfusion.
20:35Does anyone know where I can find a huge ass full of AB blood?
20:38Wait, AB blood?
20:40The Kardashians have always been O's.
20:43I am out of here.
20:45So people with O blood can't have AB children?
20:47No, never.
20:48AB with O?
20:49No.
20:49You see, the genetics...
20:51Damn, I gotta make one quick call to my son's father.
20:53Shit's about to get real.
20:56So that means she's a fake?
20:57Ain't that a bitch?
20:59Ain't it?
21:00I just lost my job.
21:05Granddad, look.
21:06She's moving her hand.
21:10I just wanted to be on TV.
21:18Let's go, kids.
21:32Look, stop with the war and kids stuff.
21:35You want someone to hear your story?
21:36Make it raw.
21:43Yes, I fucked Eisenhower.
21:46And back then it was harder when you put out.
21:48Syphilis could kill you.
21:50Oh, my God.
21:51I'd be dead like four times already.
21:54Girl, you are a natural.
21:56We can stress this over 13 episodes.
22:18Well, it was so cute.
22:19I'd be dead like four times.
22:19You can stress this over and you're a girl.
22:20You can stress this over.
22:20It's a kid.
22:21I'm a kid.
22:23I'm a kid.
22:25I'm a kid.
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