- 8 hours ago
Rivals Season 2 Episode 3
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00We were doing Joan Collins this week.
00:01...feeled scandalous and hastily covered up flings with several Tory colleagues' wives,
00:06including our very own Sarah Stratton,
00:09recently married to MP Paul Stratton,
00:11and Amanda,
00:12the wife of Foreign Secretary Rollo Hamilton,
00:15secretly recorded tapes recently come into our possession
00:18reveal Campbell Black's cavalier attitude towards these conquests.
00:22Oh, Christ.
00:24It's her, Amanda Hamilton.
00:25She knows she used to get me to spank her,
00:27call her the hairbrush.
00:28Daddy.
00:30Oh, Christy.
00:31Earlier, I interviewed a woman
00:33who was a participant at a group sex session
00:35in a Soho art studio...
00:37What's happening?
00:37...in the mid-60s.
00:39Roll the tape.
00:40Can you tell me who was present on that particular occasion?
00:43A number of rock stars.
00:44Hmm.
00:45At least one of them was in the Stones.
00:46A couple of footballers.
00:48The American actor, Johnny...
00:50Johnny Friedlander.
00:51Yes.
00:52And Rupert Campbell Black.
00:54You don't forget that silky voice.
00:55And did Mr. Campbell Black engage in the group sex?
00:59Enthusiastically.
01:00No one was disappointed, put it that way.
01:03And I have to ask, in this age of AIDS,
01:06was anyone there using protection?
01:08Protection?
01:10We were all high as kites.
01:12I've always said, Fred, Fred.
01:14Now he's going to give us all AIDS.
01:15And this...
01:16...sexual deviance was cited in their divorce proceedings
01:19by his ex-wife, Helen.
01:21I'm not talking about him, okay?
01:22Please get off my jacket.
01:23Can I ask...
01:23Get off my driveway!
01:25Mrs. Gordon!
01:27Mrs. Gordon!
01:28I think that's no comment.
01:30Helen Gordon.
01:31Previously, Helen Campbell Black
01:33was involved in a foursome with Campbell Black
01:35and his show-jumping teammates
01:36while on holiday in Guinea.
01:38What's a foursome?
01:39What are you doing out of bed?
01:40Plus, we can now hear...
01:42It is another word for a quartet.
01:46At the same time as seducing
01:48Carinium's former controller of programmes,
01:50Cameron Cook,
01:51Mr. Campbell Black hunted closer to home,
01:53beginning a relationship
01:54with Declan O'Hara's daughter, Agatha,
01:57a girl 17 years, his junior.
01:59For fuck's sake.
02:00Picking the question,
02:01what sort of a man
02:02preys upon the young daughter
02:03of his colleague and friend?
02:05So, what does the Prime Minister
02:06think of the politician
02:08once referred to as her blue-eyed boy?
02:10Unfortunately, no-one from Mrs. Thatcher's office
02:12was available to comment.
02:14But Campbell Black doesn't seem
02:15to return her regard
02:16in this recording from 1985.
02:19Wrong day.
02:21You know why they call her
02:22Milk Snatcher?
02:22It's not taking dairy products
02:24from kids.
02:24It's because she's got
02:25a milky sn...
02:28With the polls opening
02:29in ten hours,
02:30we ask,
02:31how can a pervert
02:32and sexual deviant
02:33like Rupert Campbell Black
02:34be allowed to represent
02:35the fine people
02:36of Great Britain?
02:38Fuck!
02:44Why?
03:10Why are you
03:13Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
03:38You gotta speed it up
03:41And then you've got to slow it down.
03:44Cause if you believe that a love can hit the top,
03:47you've got to play around.
03:49Until you will find that there comes a time
03:51for making your mind out.
03:54You've got to turn it on.
03:57And then you've got to put it out.
03:59You've got to be sure that there's something everybody's going to do.
04:03Don't go ahead, don't go ahead.
04:12We're here at the home of Mr. Rupert Campbell Black,
04:14minister for sport and subject of last night's extraordinary uncensored allegations.
04:19We're going to try and get a few words from him
04:20as he arrives at his home today on election day.
04:23Mr. Campbell Black, hello, Mr. Campbell Black.
04:26Any comments on the uncensored documentation last night?
04:28Good morning, everyone. Happy election day.
04:30They don't look too disappointed.
04:31Any comments on uncensored last night?
04:35Good morning.
04:38Message from CCHQ says we press ahead with Rupert's scheduled appearances today.
04:42No reference to the broadcast.
04:43Everything pointed towards getting out of the vote.
04:46How's he doing? I tried to call, but...
04:48See it for yourself.
04:49As the country heads to the polls today for the general election,
04:52the question on everyone's lips isn't whether or not
04:55Mrs. Thatcher's conservative government can hold on to power,
04:58but how can Rupert Campbell Black ever come back from such a destructive expose?
05:07Has he been drinking all morning?
05:09He's been drinking all night. He hasn't been to bed.
05:12But it's election day.
05:13Yep.
05:15Can you persuade him to... to... to stop?
05:17Really?
05:22I'm going to call Helen again.
05:23Oh, he's been trying out all morning.
05:25She's going to go full mid-air on me after this.
05:30Oh, Mr. Thatcher's a good one!
05:43Yeah.
05:44Rupert, please!
05:45Rupert, please!
05:45Rupert, I'll get a minute!
05:51That's one.
05:55Minister, any comments I haven't sensed in last night?
06:00Beautiful morning, ladies and gentlemen.
06:06Don't forget to vote.
06:16Come on, come on, come on.
06:24Right!
06:34Got to pick up Caitlin from school.
06:36Right.
06:41Is this journalism her, Duddy?
06:44Destroying people's private lives.
06:45I mean, the things she said about him.
06:47B.C. is not the brilliant journalist she thinks he is.
06:51God, I hate that he got you caught up in all this.
06:56What's the mean for Ventra?
06:58Don't know, love.
07:01Don't know.
07:04I'm disappointed, Tony.
07:06You do things like this in my name as well as yours.
07:09We're a partnership, a unit, and we're strong.
07:12And we agreed that you wouldn't deal in dirty tricks any longer.
07:15I know you and Rupert have your differences, but his poor wife and children.
07:19Who's that?
07:21That's your present.
07:31Oh, Tony.
07:33Happy anniversary, Tony.
07:34Oh, but it's not until Tuesday.
07:37Not in early.
07:38I thought you couldn't stand peacocks.
07:40You always say they look like rats in ball gowns.
07:43The Forkenry has been without peacocks since you were a deb.
07:46It's taken me far too long to set it right.
07:48Mummy would be thrilled.
07:49No.
07:51I'll need to be careful not to speed up the drive later tonight.
07:55I haven't got you anything yet.
07:57Why don't you come to a doll's house with me this evening?
08:00Oh.
08:00I'll shout you an ice cream in the interval.
08:02You want me to enjoy an evening of Ibsen on the day of the general election?
08:05Well, there's no point sitting on the sofa waiting for the polls to close.
08:08We'll spend the evening together.
08:10It'll be good.
08:13Well, you know how I love the theatre.
08:24Vroom, vroom.
08:26You're beautiful.
08:29Helen!
08:30Helen, open the door!
08:33You can't stop me seeing my children, Helen!
08:35I swear to God, I'll break this down!
08:39Stand down!
08:41Do you mind removing your bloody finger from my doorbell?
08:46Please.
08:47Helen's a school with Tabitha.
08:49I don't suppose you're aware of anything as parochial as the date of your daughter's sports day.
08:55You're not running in the father's race.
08:56I don't quantify.
09:01You haven't been to bed, have you?
09:03You know what?
09:04I'm not taking a lecture from you today, my niece.
09:06Fuck you!
09:06Fuck Helen!
09:07I need to see my children!
09:09I'm their father!
09:10Have you forgotten what that's like?
09:12What?
09:25Don't you dare talk to me about being a father.
09:30You need to sober up.
09:35How come you didn't know what he was planning?
09:37I can't manage a mother by myself anymore.
09:40I've been off work moving her into a home.
09:42Tony has been so kind.
09:44He told me to take off all the time that I needed,
09:46even when we had an episode of Uncensored to prep.
09:48Kind or strategic?
09:50I thought he was being supportive, subterfuge, as extremely stressful, you know.
09:53We need to get you back to work.
09:55Find out what Tony's doing next.
09:57But he's got what he wants.
09:58Rupert's on his knees.
09:59That'll never be enough for Tony.
10:02He'll be coming for the rest of us.
10:06Do you think so?
10:07What do you mean?
10:10Fiendish, you'll be doing a technical run of the bed the whole time.
10:13It's amazing what men will spill after they've spilled.
10:17What can I say?
10:19You truly are guardian of the nation's morals.
10:22Oh, we aim to please.
10:23You're about as keen to please as a nuclear warhead.
10:26As you say, Tony, I'm a public servant.
10:28You're a public toilet.
10:30I don't think it was a bit cruel.
10:33You don't know what he did to me.
10:35Proportionate response, Joyce.
10:36Good night's work, everyone.
10:38On we go.
10:42Are you hungry?
10:45A big kill like this always makes me voracious.
10:48I could murder a martini and a bloody steak.
10:51I know a little hotel.
10:55Very discreet.
10:57We'll be back in plenty of time with the election special.
11:02What an enticing of her.
11:04Well, I'm afraid I'm going to the theatre with my wife tonight.
11:15That bump to the head really did change you, Tony.
11:21Elegantly handled.
11:23It's like prising off a scorpion before it stings you.
11:28All right.
11:29Quiet down, everyone.
11:31I'm sorry that our first Venture Board meeting is being convened at a moment of crisis.
11:36Let's make this an orderly discussion.
11:38I know these things can get emotional.
11:41So, Declan?
11:42Thank you, Freddie.
11:45So, bad news first.
11:47The BBC have dropped our Yates documentary.
11:50Oh, what?
11:51They can't be tainted by association.
11:53Also, I've had word from Charles that Lady Gosling would like to speak to me about the franchise.
11:58Is anyone else going to say it?
12:01Rupert should resign from the board.
12:03No.
12:04Now, hold on a minute.
12:04The IVA is run by a woman.
12:06And as a woman, I have to say that some of the comments we heard on the television last night
12:10were very hard to stand.
12:12They were private comments.
12:13He didn't know Beattie had a tape recorder under the bed.
12:15She liked him talking about other women he'd been with.
12:18It was her thing.
12:18If this were anybody else, wouldn't we be demanding that they resign?
12:22As a group, what values do we stand for?
12:30All right.
12:30Come on.
12:31Easy there.
12:32Easy.
12:34So, we'll go in the order of their course.
12:36James, James.
12:36Probably Cochester first, then Ruttman's stand.
12:39Ruttman's, Gloucester, Chalford and Bisley, big swing for the Tories.
12:42We have B.T. Johnson presenting the show.
12:44Watch your feet there.
12:45And James Verica, of course, back on his trusty swing-o-meter.
12:48Everyone, this is Mrs. Mingish Scott, who's joining Lady Gosling on the board of the IBA after a ten-year
12:54stint chairing the Women's Institute.
12:57So, I'm used to making a big decision.
13:00All set for tonight, guys.
13:01Hopefully, I won't have to do too much swinging this evening, Lady Gosling.
13:04And, um, Reverend Penny.
13:05Congratulations on your Campbell Black expose, Miss Johnson.
13:09I will end the haughtiness of the arrogant and lay low the pride of the ruthless.
13:14Let he that is without sin cast the first stone.
13:18Well, thank goodness that, uh, Campbell Black chose that little venturer set up over the Carinium board through the IBA
13:24for the line of the public to take a stern view on his behaviour.
13:26I shall be speaking to Mr. O'Hara in due course.
13:29One thing I'm curious about, Lord Baddington.
13:31Yes.
13:31As a prominent supporter of the government, isn't it rather an own goal to demolish Campbell Black's reputation the night
13:37before the country goes to the polls?
13:40Well, Sally, as someone who cares deeply about the reputation of our political system, I would say it's paramount.
13:45We make it clear to the country that we see no place for behaviour like Campbell Black's in the modern
13:51government, which is, of course, bigger than any individual member.
13:54Can't help thinking Mrs. Thatcher would agree.
13:57Who would always have to rape me a witch?
13:59Milk Snatcher.
14:01I spat on my sherry.
14:09Archie's been writing to me at school.
14:10Archie Bellingham?
14:11Caitlin?
14:12He sent me a mixtape.
14:13It's mostly metal, but he also put Caravan of Love on it, so either he loves me or he wants
14:16to have sex in Caravan.
14:18It's not just Rupert's reputation.
14:20If he's losing us work, it's a problem.
14:22I'm here to make telly.
14:24The Yates programme is your baby.
14:25We sell it somewhere else, mate.
14:26Will anyone else take it now?
14:28I've had the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone.
14:31This is a very difficult position for those of us on the board as moral advisers.
14:36I sound just rubbish anyway.
14:38Well, it's actually all true, Wes.
14:40I was at that party with Johnny Freedland, and believe me, Rupert's never been monogamous in his life.
14:45I mean, until now.
14:46So even the tree woman at once did?
14:48Well, it sounds jolly-todd.
14:50Look at you.
14:51You're all as bad as each other, snickering schoolboys.
14:55Okay, I think it should take more than a corinium smear campaign to pull us apart.
14:59Freddy.
15:01Very quiet.
15:02We'll struggle to do it without Rupert.
15:04It's not just a profile.
15:07We need his financial stake.
15:09What?
15:10But a good public reputation is crucial for a company.
15:14And Rupert's flushed ours down the cars.
15:18I spoke to my father.
15:20What did he say?
15:23Toshi?
15:24Nanda te?
15:27Rupert's flushed.
15:28I can cover the money.
15:29But?
15:31But Rupert's flushed.
15:38So, Toshi's dad will cover Rupert's stake.
15:41But he needs to know that he's not part of the company anymore.
15:46Phone, Daddy.
15:48Not now, sweetheart.
15:49It is for me.
15:50She says it's urgent.
15:52Go.
15:52Just press pause, okay?
15:58I got a tag.
16:00Hello, love.
16:01Natalie Crow has got food poisoning.
16:03She can't go on tonight.
16:04I'm odd, darling.
16:05I really can't.
16:06I don't understand.
16:06I'm going on for her.
16:08Too plain.
16:10No more.
16:11I can come.
16:12If you got in the car now, you can make her enough.
16:14Have you seen the newspapers?
16:17It's Rupert.
16:18He's always in some scrape, brother.
16:20I need you.
16:22Please.
16:23Don't worry, love.
16:24You'll be wonderful.
16:25My guys are tearing each other to bits here.
16:27If I leave now, the company could crumble.
16:29What?
16:29You're not coming.
16:30It's venture alone.
16:36No, but it's not dishonest, is it?
16:38Rupert is just Rupert.
16:39Always has been.
16:39Take it or leave it.
16:40I mean, I personally think people find it refreshing.
16:42The Archbishop doesn't.
16:44Doesn't he have anything better to do?
16:45I mean, how narrow-minded and prurient do you have to be to think this is a problem?
16:48How thoughtless and ignorant do you have to be to think it isn't?
16:51I thought you were a bohemian.
16:52Who here doesn't have a past?
16:53Not one that P.T. Johnson would be interested in.
16:56Well, I don't imagine she gets out of Glyndebourne, man.
16:57I'm sorry.
16:58It's him or me.
16:59Hey, whatever happened to loyalty?
17:00Cameron.
17:01Us against the world?
17:03Are we going to take this?
17:04Let's face it, a direct attack from Tony Battingham.
17:06Are we going to take it lying down?
17:07I'm all for love and forgiveness, but I simply don't see how our franchise bid can survive this.
17:12What about we just take a vote?
17:14Democracy in action.
17:15Fuck democracy!
17:21You know what I mean.
17:23You're going to abstain, Karen.
17:26You better go while we vote.
17:29Mike, Patrick, you're not on the board, so you should step out as well.
17:34This isn't the venturer I signed up for.
17:41Rupert would swim through shark-infested water for any one of you if this were the other way around.
17:46Whatever you decide, please, God, have the grace to wait until after the election before you tell him he's been
17:51subjected to another vote.
17:59Are you okay?
18:00This is such a fucking mess.
18:03Why do you defend him?
18:04Because I love him.
18:07Because he fought for me.
18:09Now is my time to fight for him.
18:15Okay.
18:18How do we do this?
18:36Coffee?
18:38No, thank you.
18:40It's not a question, Sid.
18:44The Times, the Telegraph, Today, the Mail, the Mirror, the Scorpion.
18:49You're on the front page of all of it.
18:51Photographers have already set up camp outside, waiting for you to leave.
18:55I'm glad to see you've dressed up for my dressing down.
18:57For God's sake, we've got to grow up.
19:03We're all tired of the wanton schoolboy, playing everything for a laugh.
19:09Might have been endearing in a young buck, but in a man nearing forty, I'm afraid it's long ago passed
19:15over into...
19:18Pathetic.
19:19Right.
19:21Needless to say, Helen's furious.
19:24Needless to say.
19:25Well, she knew you'd been unfaithful to her during the marriage, but she had no idea of the scale of
19:30her humiliation.
19:31Thank God you saved her from me.
19:34We both know I didn't take Helen from you.
19:38You'd broken her a long time before I put her back together.
19:43And I'm damned if I'll let you break her again.
19:46Oh, come on, Louise.
19:48Who doesn't have their sexual pachadillas?
19:50I know Helen's tasted pretty vanilla, but I'm sure you've used your riding crop on her a couple of times.
19:55Your daughter was in tears this morning.
19:57Because she's afraid that you're going to die of AIDS.
20:03You've lost your wife, and you're about to lose your children.
20:07Because you can't keep your bloody cock inside your trousers.
20:11Of course, the irony in all that is that I have stopped.
20:19Everything she exposed in that broadcast was years ago.
20:23Oh, really?
20:23Sarah Stratton, Natalie Perrault, months ago, and they were the last.
20:34I'm not excusing what's happened, but...
20:39Beatty let me confide in her at a time when I needed to,
20:43and I had no idea she was recording every word of it to use against me later.
20:47Of course, I told her hundreds of good things about Helen, but...
20:51they didn't broadcast any of that.
20:54Don't worry. I'll get what I deserve.
20:58I'm going to lose my seat tonight.
21:00Yes, most likely.
21:02But you've been dropped from the national team before and bounced back.
21:06You learned then, didn't you?
21:08Pulled yourself together.
21:10Then Timmy died.
21:15I swore if I couldn't look after him, I'd take good care of the young riders on the team.
21:20Keep you close.
21:21Stop you repeating your mistakes again and again.
21:26But of course, it was hopeless.
21:29I used to blame myself.
21:31But the rot in you had set in long before I came on the scene.
21:35Your father gave you the worst possible example.
21:39You can do better for your children.
21:41They love you, the poor little buggers.
21:46For me?
21:49Put these on.
21:51And go and cast your vote with dignity.
22:15I hope I can count on your vote, Milly's.
22:19I shall be voting for the Liberals.
22:30Oh, Natalie's not on tonight.
22:32Tonight the Aurora will be played by Mordo.
22:35Oh, God, I think it gets worse.
22:37Let's just go for dinner.
22:38Oh, no, no.
22:38Let's go for a chance.
22:39Now we're here.
22:40We'd only be at home waiting for the results.
22:42Oh, darling.
22:43Oh.
22:58Look, there's Natalie.
23:13I know I shouldn't be here.
23:15I just wanted to talk to you.
23:17It's been a terrible day.
23:20I thought if James was on the telly, he couldn't be here, so...
23:23Oh.
23:25Well, I'm cooking supper for the children.
23:28Of course, I'm sorry.
23:30Is that a potato waffle?
23:31Mm-hmm.
23:32Because, um...
23:35I haven't eaten all day.
23:37We've been arguing about Rupert.
23:39Oh.
23:39Depplin's had us put it to a vote.
23:41Oh.
23:42What did you do?
23:43I voted for Rupert to stay.
23:45Oh, good.
23:46Of course he's behaved awfully,
23:48but I've always felt it's our job as his friends
23:50to stay loyal, to steer him onto the path.
23:53We've all done things.
23:57I knew he was going to say something wise like that.
24:01Val was worried he's going to invite us in for a threesome
24:03so she's ripped out all the Pampers grass just in case.
24:07But Rupert's staying.
24:09Well, Depplin's got the casting vote.
24:11I left him to it.
24:12It didn't feel all right.
24:13Mummy!
24:16I'm going to go on.
24:22Where do you stand on fish fingers?
24:25I can't get enough of them.
24:34OK, come on, upstairs now for teeth brushing, please.
24:40You'd better listen to your mum or all your teeth will fall out.
24:43Oh, no.
24:44I've got no teeth.
24:47Where's your teeth going?
24:48Oh.
24:49I'm finally Mr Jones.
24:51Thank you, Mr Verica.
24:52I'm Sebastian.
24:53Well, I'm Freddie.
24:54Freddie!
24:54OK, upstairs now.
24:57Oh.
25:00Why are we posh people called Sebastian?
25:02We're not posh people.
25:04You're posher than me.
25:06Oh.
25:07Oh, dear.
25:08Are you all right?
25:10Yeah.
25:11Have you got a wheelchair?
25:12Oh, James treats me like a wheelchair.
25:15Something you can fall back on in old age.
25:21Why did you marry him?
25:26Because he asked me.
25:34Why did you marry Valerie?
25:37I loved her.
25:45Oh, my gosh.
25:48Oh, my God.
25:50OK.
25:55Come on.
26:06Wow.
26:42Good night, Freddy.
26:45Good night, Izzy.
27:05Ta-da!
27:09Blimey.
27:10Look at you.
27:11Oh, doesn't he look fantastic?
27:14We spend the whole day at the school outfitters.
27:17Proper gentleman.
27:18He looks like a penguin.
27:19Sharon, stop it!
27:24Look what we've done, eh?
27:28Oh, boy.
27:30I'm proud of you.
27:33We've got everything on the list.
27:35Cricket kit, football kit, swimming kit, tennis kit, rugby kit, fencing kit, all the kits.
27:41I'm proud of you and all.
27:43There won't be many Joneses boys on that rugby team all this, son, eh?
27:47Now, Eaton Rules says we can't see you for the first month, so you're going to have to be brave,
27:50Wayne, OK?
27:51No crying like a ninny.
27:53Now, most of them other boys, they've been away from home since they were babies.
27:57Sharon, come on.
27:59Stop being so lazy and have to get the rest of bags out of the car, you lump.
28:02Honestly.
28:11Don't know how I'm going to cope, not seeing that cheeky little mug for that long.
28:15You sure you want this?
28:18It makes Mum happy.
28:20Can I take this off now?
28:22Yes, sir.
28:23Go on.
28:33Wasn't she wonderful?
28:35A revelation.
28:37I think you may have found your Titania.
28:41More?
28:41I couldn't cast more to her.
28:43A decadent howl.
28:44Let's go round and see her, shall we?
28:53Congratulations, woman of the hour.
28:56Woman of the half-hour call.
28:59I mean, this is unexpected and nice, after thinking I didn't have anyone in tonight.
29:05Yes, I'm sorry none of your family were there.
29:07I'm not.
29:07Tony, isn't he awful?
29:10I'm not complaining.
29:11This is extremely nice wine.
29:13We usually end up at a sticky table at the Cochin Horses.
29:16Well, not for long.
29:18Tony, tell her.
29:19Ah, yes.
29:21Monica's had an idea.
29:22And I think it was a rather good one.
29:24I would like to offer you a role in Carinium's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
29:30The leading lady, Titania, Queen of the Fairies.
29:33I think Ward knows her Shakespeare, darling.
29:36That's our flagship project.
29:38Filmed at Carinium with a live audience.
29:40Broadcast on the network.
29:41With a subsequent video release for schools all over the country.
29:45It's going to have quite a reach.
29:46Oh.
29:48God.
29:49I mean, thank you.
29:53I mean, obviously I'll have to speak with my...
29:55Your husband, yes, of course.
29:57I was going to say my agent.
30:01Oh, Ibsen would be pride.
30:04Thanks.
30:24Ready to go live, studio?
30:26Countdown to hand over to ITN.
30:28In five, four, three.
30:35Good evening.
30:36And welcome to the Cotswold Roundup election special.
30:39Let's go over to our outside broadcast unit in Conchester now.
30:44Where I am being told, yes, Paul Stratton has retained his seat for the Conservatives.
30:49I'd like to give thanks to all my supporters, my constituency staff, and to my wonderful secretary, Samantha.
30:58And, of course, I would like to thank my daughters, Penelope and Cressida, to my father, Desmond Stratton, QC, for
31:05his sage advice during this election.
31:07And, finally, to my schnauzer, Salton, for being there.
31:12Good boy, Salton.
31:14Paul Stratton, Paul Stratton, for the Conservatives.
31:17All I've now turned to Chalford and Bootsley, where Rupert Campbell's last feed hangs in the balance after last night's
31:22shocking expose.
31:23Over to James and his swing-o-meter.
31:25Paul Stratton retaining his majority by more than 15,000.
31:29A decisive win there.
31:31Oh, no, don't go that way.
31:32No, no, no, no, no, no.
31:34I'll just hold it.
31:36Don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.
31:38Beat it.
31:41Head up, okay?
31:42Act like nothing's wrong and people will believe it.
31:45Whatever happens, I just want to say it has been an honour to serve with you and...
31:49All right, Chalford, I'm not going over the top.
31:53Ready?
31:56Ready.
32:07Ah!
32:13Chalford and Bootsley are about to declare.
32:15Stand by for outside broadcast.
32:18And I'm just hearing now that we can go over to Chalford and Bootsley for the announcement of today's results.
32:23We weren't expecting you back tonight, Tony.
32:24I wouldn't miss this for the world.
32:27And cut to outside broadcast.
32:31As Returning Officer for the Chalford and Visley Constituency, I hereby declare that the total number of votes for each
32:38candidate was as follows.
32:40Michael Seaborne, Labour Party candidate, 5,342.
32:47David Edwards, known as Bar Bar, Woolly Rams Bottom, Cotswold Looney Party, 283.
32:56Margaret Baldwin, Liberal Party, 24,292.
33:04Rupert Campbell Black, Conservative Party.
33:1436,272.
33:16I do hereby declare that Rupert Campbell Black is duly elected Member of Parliament for Chalford and Visley.
33:27For the Conservative Party.
33:43Thank you, thank you all. I will be my absolute utmost to deserve your confidence.
33:49Onward.
33:51Rupert Campbell Black, re-elected as Member of Parliament for Chalford and Visley, this is his girlfriend, television executive Cameron
33:58Cook.
34:00If you're just joining, 88 results have been declared so far.
34:27They just announced.
34:29He won, didn't he?
34:33How does he do it?
34:35He's still their Olympic hero.
34:37Not to those who really know him.
34:39He's even got you on side.
34:41Look.
34:42He still needs a father figure sometimes.
34:44Or maybe you still need a son.
34:48I'm sorry.
34:49I'm sorry.
34:51I sometimes think that you see Rupert through rose-tinted glasses because you miss Timmy.
34:56And it pains me because I'm pretty sure that Rupert is no kind of substitute.
35:00Rupert is a danger to everyone around him when he's a loose cannon.
35:03It's a good thing that he kept his seat.
35:06If Rupert were a woman, he would be tarred and feathered and dragged by his hair through the streets of
35:12Rochester.
35:12For God's sake.
35:13He gets a seat at Parliament.
35:14All I get is to suffer by association.
35:16To look and feel stupid that I was ever married to him, that I ever had his children.
35:20No matter what I do, I will always be the Olympic hero's embarrassed first wife.
35:38What happened to you in Kenya?
35:42What?
35:44You never told me about Kenya.
35:47What happened to you there?
35:49No, no, I didn't.
35:54I didn't want to because I knew you'd think differently than me.
35:58Oh, and so you do.
36:00I think you should sleep in the spare room tonight.
36:06Which one?
36:14Hold a chicken in the air.
36:17Stick the dead chair up your nuts.
36:19Buy a jungle jet.
36:21Have it very old, you're close.
36:23But you'll let me bring.
36:25Then extract your wisdom teeth.
36:27Form a string portent.
36:29And pretend your name is here.
36:34Skin your struggle low.
36:37Let you speak and wrap the phone.
36:40Flying silent door.
36:42Happy randomness you know.
36:44He's a friend of the phone.
36:45What the song is this?
36:47It's the chicken song.
36:49What?
36:50Um, spinning image.
36:52It's a parody.
36:52Of what?
36:53Oh, no.
36:56Okay, come on.
36:57Let's go home.
36:58I just won the general bloody election.
37:01Actually, Mrs. Thatcher just won the general bloody election.
37:05Honey, I need to talk to you about Venture.
37:08No, no, no.
37:09We're celebrating.
37:10Venture won the election.
37:12Hmm.
37:15I'm going to bed.
37:17Fine, fine, fine.
37:18Oh, I'll come with you.
37:20No, no, no.
37:21Celebrate.
37:23It's your party.
37:46Take that, Jim will be.
37:47As always, the great British public voted for Mummy.
37:50How about we go somewhere and celebrate?
37:52You and me?
37:53Why not?
37:54I'll check under the bed for tape recorders.
37:58Okay, then.
37:59Really?
38:00No.
38:03I thought you were wonderful, James.
38:07Ah!
38:09Hey, team.
38:10Who's up for partying?
38:11Hey?
38:12I could have a quick beverage.
38:14Daisy, going somewhere nice?
38:17Knocking with the OB crew at the Cochester Arms.
38:19A little cider with the camera boys.
38:20I've got, er, Molly in my dressing room.
38:23No, thank you.
38:24Well, come on, Daisy.
38:25Why the sad face?
38:26Used to be much more up for partying.
38:27Buckle.
38:29Little Daisy just told me to F off.
38:37Deirdre?
38:38Yes, James.
38:40Call me a cab home.
38:41There's a love.
38:55Where's he put?
38:56I left him at the party, sticking a deck chair up his nose.
39:02What's wrong now?
39:04Oh, what is it?
39:07Do you want to be married to him or not?
39:09If you do, stop being a whiny little bitch and go back to your house.
39:13You can't talk to me like that.
39:15I just did.
39:29The buzz, darling, of revealing to the nation the results of their little pencil mark.
39:33Oh, you're brilliant.
39:35Beattie, bloody, bumfuck, bloody Johnson getting all the glory.
39:40Maybe next year I could ask for a bigger pendulum.
39:42Yes.
39:45Oh, speaking of pendulums.
39:49Looks like my election erection's coming out to play again.
39:52Yes, it is.
39:54Hmm?
40:00Oh, oh, I've brushed my teeth.
40:04Oh, fine.
40:04We'll just have sex.
40:06Okay.
40:10Come on.
40:11Do you know, people really do underestimate me.
40:14I'd be shocked if after tonight Venturer don't try to poach me, or better yet, persuade
40:18me to be a mole and be a fantastic double agent.
40:22Oh, I'll open a little wider, Lizzie.
40:23I can't get it in.
40:26James the mole verica.
40:28There.
40:29That's the job, Lizzie.
40:30Good girl.
40:30Open up the bar.
40:31Oh.
40:33I am a mole and I live in a hole.
40:37I am a mole and I live in a hole.
40:40Do, do, do, do.
40:40I am a mole and I live in a...
40:43Oh.
40:46Oh.
40:49Oh.
40:52Oh.
40:53Oh.
40:57I am a kite.
40:58And you are my bollard.
41:02Oh.
41:06Fine.
41:09Ah.
41:17Oh, darling.
41:19You're home.
41:22Congratulations.
41:23You won.
41:24I made you breakfast.
41:25You must be exhausted after all that celebrating.
41:30I'm so sorry about that stupid fight that we had.
41:35It was just my hormones.
41:38It wasn't your fault at all.
41:39But the baby?
41:40You're your baby.
41:42I've been so mean to you, Paulie.
41:45I just want us to be a proper little family.
41:49I'm so happy.
41:57You know, some women find that the second trimester is the horniest three months of their life.
42:24Gerald.
42:25I was in bed.
42:27I've come to join you.
42:29Oh.
42:31Oh.
42:33Oh.
42:35Oh.
42:35Oh.
42:35Oh.
42:37Oh.
42:40I can't believe Rupert actually did it.
42:43He's Superman.
42:44Should I be jealous?
42:45I'd do anything for Rupert, but it's you I'm really in love with.
42:49You and Mrs. Thatcher.
42:50Oh.
42:51Oh, I think my erection just died.
42:53No, no, really.
42:53Just stop talking about Mrs. Thatcher.
42:57Sorry, sorry.
42:58You know I want to be an MP, Charles.
43:01And that's why you're getting married to a woman that you don't love.
43:03And throwing away all your principles to work for a party
43:06that's taking away gay men's rights to even be considered human beings.
43:11I'm going to change things from the inside.
43:18Really?
43:19Why not?
43:22Why not?
43:30You know, Gerald congratulated me last night on being a perfect politician's wife.
43:36Gerald is very drunk.
43:38I mean, what does that even look like?
43:40Put up and shut up?
43:42Well, that's not your style, is it?
43:48You know I supported you because I don't think what happened to you was fair.
43:53I can't deny anything Beatty said.
43:57So true.
43:58You don't have to.
44:01You are a whole person.
44:06And I love you.
44:17Let's have the dog get out.
44:25I adore you.
44:26Thank you for supporting me.
44:39Are you happy or not?
44:49Downing Street, we're just on the phone.
44:52Mrs. Thatcher wants to see you.
45:06I know it's smart, darling.
45:09Whatever you think about, Rupert.
45:10Do you know, I really couldn't do all this without your support.
45:13All your ideas.
45:15You're my secret weapon.
45:17It cuts both ways, darling.
45:19We're a team.
45:21I think we've come out of this unpleasantness stronger than ever.
45:24Look at him.
45:25I mean, who does it think he is?
45:27But he's Sir Lancelot.
45:28Sir Fuxalot.
45:35You'll stop this feud with Rupert now.
45:38Yes?
45:40Please.
45:42I will.
45:44Stop this feud with Rupert.
45:57How did it last night go for your mother?
45:59Did she call?
46:00No, she didn't call.
46:03Eggsteady?
46:04No, I couldn't eat, I can't.
46:08Mrs. Thatcher's third landslide.
46:10Poor Mr. Kinnick should just give up.
46:12She's going to be Prime Minister forever.
46:14Change is hard.
46:16It scares people, so they stick with this data's call.
46:20Well, that's depressing.
46:23It's ready.
46:24You've got to talk to Rupert.
46:26What have you decided?
46:31Well, surely if you won the election...
46:35Er, I thought you'd want to know there's a press conference about to start at Downing Street.
46:39Let's hear what Maggie has to say for herself then.
46:40It's not Mrs. Thatcher.
46:42It's Rupert.
46:49Thank you, gentlemen, ladies.
46:51I've spoken to Mrs. Thatcher in light of the uncensored programme the night before last
46:56and the coverage that broadcast generated.
46:59I told the Prime Minister that although I won my seat in yesterday's general election,
47:03I do not want the scandal around me to distract from the important work that our government is doing.
47:08It was therefore with deep regret that I tendered and the Prime Minister accepted my resignation as an MP and
47:16a minister.
47:19There'll be another statement in your course, gentlemen.
47:23Seems you've won after all, my lord.
47:33One down, three to go.
47:47All right, tell me.
47:49Do you need me to go?
47:58Thank you, sir.
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