- 2 days ago
Rivals. S02 - E03
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00:02Tonight we peek behind the curtains and pull back the bedsheets to reveal the truth about Rupert Campbell Black.
00:09On the night before he asks voters to elect him Member of Parliament for Chalford and Bisley,
00:15we ask how a man like this gains a free pass to the highest offices in the land.
00:20Rupert Campbell Black, showjumper and showman, charlatan and conman, catapulted into a safe seat.
00:27He now enjoys an unusually close relationship with the Prime Minister, who created the role of Minister for Sport, especially
00:33for him.
00:34Tony said we were doing Joan Collins this week.
00:37Hastily covered up flings with several Tory colleagues' wives, including our very own Sarah Stratton.
00:44Recently married to MP Paul Stratton and Amanda, the wife of Foreign Secretary Rollo Hamilton.
00:50Secretly recorded tapes recently come into our possession reveal Campbell Black's cavalier attitude towards these conquests.
00:58Oh, Christ.
01:00So, Melody Hamilton, you know she used to get me to spank her, call the hairbrush, Daddy.
01:06God, Peter.
01:07Earlier, I interviewed a woman who was a participant at a group sex session in a Soho art studio.
01:14What's happening?
01:14In the mid-60s.
01:15Roll the tape.
01:16Can you tell me who was present on that particular occasion?
01:20A number of rock stars.
01:21Hmm.
01:22At least one of them was in the Stones.
01:24A couple of footballers.
01:25The American actor, Johnny, Johnny Friedlander.
01:28Yes.
01:29And Rupert Campbell Black.
01:31You don't forget that silky voice.
01:32And did Mr. Campbell Black engage in the group sex enthusiastically?
01:38No one was disappointed, put it that way.
01:40And I have to ask, in this age of AIDS, was anyone there using protection?
01:47Protection.
01:48And we were all high as kites.
01:50I've always said Fred Fred.
01:52Now he's going to give us all AIDS.
01:54And this sexual deviance was cited in their divorce proceedings by his ex-wife, Helen.
02:00I'm not talking about him, okay?
02:01Please get off my drive.
02:02Can I ask what?
02:03Get off my driveway!
02:04Mrs. Gordon!
02:05Oh, my God!
02:06Mrs. Gordon!
02:08I think that's no comment.
02:10Helen Gordon.
02:11Previously, Helen Campbell Black was involved in a foursome with Campbell Black and his show-jumping teammates while on holiday
02:17in Kenya.
02:17What's a foursome?
02:18What are you doing out of bed?
02:20Plus, we can now reveal some uncomfortable...
02:22It is another word for a quartet.
02:26At the same time as seducing Carinium's former controller of programs, Cameron Cook, Mr. Campbell Black hunted closer to home,
02:34beginning a relationship with Declan O'Hara's daughter, Agatha, a girl 17 years his junior.
02:39For fuck's sake.
02:40I'm begging the question, what sort of a man preys upon the young daughter of his colleague and friend?
02:46So, what does the Prime Minister think of the politician once referred to as her blue-eyed boy?
02:52Unfortunately, no one from Mrs. Thatcher's office was available to comment.
02:55But Campbell Black doesn't seem to return her regard in this recording from 1985.
03:01Well, Tate.
03:02You know why they call her Milk Snatcher?
03:04It's not taking dairy products from kids.
03:06It's because she's got a milky snack.
03:10With the polls opening in ten hours, we ask, how can a pervert and sexual deviant like Rupert Campbell Black
03:16be allowed to represent the fine people of Great Britain?
03:21Fuck!
03:32Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
03:45oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
03:45oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
03:45oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
03:45oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
03:46oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
05:13Mr. Campbell Black, any comments on the Uncensored documentary last night?
05:17Hello, morning, everyone. Happy election.
05:18They don't look too disappointed.
05:20Any comments on Uncensored last night?
05:24Morning.
05:27Message from CCHQ says we press ahead with Rupert's scheduled appearances to date.
05:31No reference to the broadcast. Everything pointed towards getting out of vote.
05:35How's he doing? I tried to call, but...
05:37See for yourself.
05:38As the country heads to the polls today for the general election, the question on everyone's lips isn't whether or
05:44not Mrs. Thatcher's conservative government can hold on to power, but how can Rupert Campbell Black ever come back from
05:52such a destructive expose?
05:57Has he been drinking all morning?
05:59He's been drinking all night.
06:01He hasn't been to bed.
06:02But it's election day.
06:04Yep.
06:05Can you persuade him to stop?
06:07Really?
06:13I'm going to call Helen again.
06:14Oh, he's been trying out all morning.
06:16She's going to go form a dare on me after this.
06:34Yeah.
06:36Rupert, please.
06:37Rupert!
06:38Rupert!
06:38Rupert!
06:43Rupert!
06:43That's what I'm going to do.
06:48Minister, any comment that I'm censored last night?
06:51Any comment that I'm going to read?
06:53Beautiful morning, ladies and gentlemen.
06:59Don't forget to vote.
07:28I'm going to pick up Caitlyn from school.
07:31All right.
07:36Is this journalism her, Daddy?
07:39Destroying people's private lives.
07:40I mean, the things she said about him.
07:41B.C. is not the brilliant journalist she thinks she is.
07:46God, I hate that he got you caught up in all this.
07:51What's it mean for Ventra?
07:54Don't know, love.
07:57Don't know.
08:00I'm disappointed, Tony.
08:02You do things like this in my name as well as yours.
08:05We're a partnership, a unit, and we're strong.
08:08And we agreed that you wouldn't deal in dirty tricks any longer.
08:11I know you and Rupert have your differences, but his poor wife and children.
08:16Who's that?
08:17That's your present.
08:28Oh, Tony.
08:30Happy anniversary, Tony.
08:32Oh, but it's not until Tuesday.
08:34Not until early.
08:35I thought you couldn't stand peacocks.
08:38You always say they look like rats in ball gowns.
08:41The Falkenry has been without peacocks since you were a Deb.
08:44It's taken me far too long to set it right.
08:46Mummy would be thrilled.
08:48No.
08:49You'll need to be careful not to speed up the drive later night.
08:53I haven't got you anything yet.
08:56Why don't you come to a doll's house with me this evening?
08:59I'll shout you an ice cream in the interval.
09:01You want me to enjoy an evening of Ibsen?
09:03On the day of the general election?
09:04Well, there's no point sitting on the sofa waiting for the polls to close.
09:07We'll spend the evening together.
09:09It'll be good.
09:12Well, you know how I love the theater.
09:24Vroom, vroom.
09:26You're beautiful, that.
09:29Helen!
09:30Helen, open the door!
09:33You can't stop me seeing my children, Helen!
09:36Helen, I swear to God, I'll break this down!
09:40Stand down!
09:42Do you mind removing your bloody finger from my doorbell?
09:47Please.
09:49Helen's a school with Tabitha.
09:51I don't suppose you're aware of anything as parochial as the date of your daughter's sports day.
09:56You're not running in the father's race?
09:58I don't qualify.
10:03You haven't been to bed, have you?
10:05You know what?
10:06I'm not taking a lecture from you today, Melise.
10:08Fuck you!
10:08Fuck Helen!
10:09I need to see my children!
10:11I'm their father!
10:12Have you forgotten what that's like?
10:28Don't you dare talk to me about being a father.
10:33You need to sober up.
10:39How come you didn't know what he was planning?
10:40I can't manage Mother by myself anymore.
10:43I've been off work moving her into a home.
10:46Tony has been so kind.
10:48He told me to take off all the time that I needed, even when we had an episode of Uncensored
10:52to prep.
10:52Kind or strategic.
10:54I thought he was being supportive, subterfuge, as extremely stressful, you know.
10:58We need to get you back to work.
11:00Find out what Tony's doing next.
11:01But he's got what he wants.
11:03Rupert's on his knees.
11:04That'll never be enough for Tony.
11:06He'll be coming for the rest of us.
11:11Do you think so?
11:12What do you mean?
11:15Fiendish of you to have a technical run of the bed the whole time.
11:19It's amazing what men will spill after they've spilled.
11:23What can I say?
11:24You truly are guardian of the nation's morals.
11:28We aim to please.
11:29You're about as keen to please as a nuclear warhead.
11:32As you say, Tony, I'm a public servant.
11:34You're a public toilet.
11:37I dreamt he was a bit cruel.
11:39You don't know what he did to me?
11:41Proportionate response, Joyce.
11:43Good night's work, everyone.
11:44On we go.
11:49Are you hungry?
11:52A big kill like this always makes me voracious.
11:55I could murder a martini in a bloody steak.
11:59I know a little hotel.
12:03Very discreet.
12:05We'd be back in plenty of time for the election special.
12:10What an enticing offer.
12:12I'm afraid I'm going to the theatre with my wife tonight.
12:23That bump to the head really did change you, Tony.
12:30Elegantly handled.
12:32It's like prising off a scorpion before it stings you.
12:37All right, quiet down, everyone.
12:40I'm sorry that our first Venture Board meeting is being convened at a moment of crisis.
12:46Let's make this an orderly discussion.
12:47I know how these things can get emotional.
12:51So, Declan?
12:52Thank you, Freddie.
12:54So, bad news first.
12:57The BBC have dropped our Yates documentary.
13:00What?
13:01They can't be tainted by association.
13:04Also, I've had word from Charles that Lady Gosling would like to speak to me about the franchise bit.
13:09Is anyone else going to say it?
13:12Rupert should resign from the board.
13:14No.
13:15Now, hold on a minute.
13:15Today is run by a woman.
13:17And as a woman, I have to say that some of the comments we heard on the television last night
13:21were very hard to stand.
13:23They were private comments.
13:24He didn't know Beattie had a tape recorder under the bed.
13:26She liked him talking about other women he'd been with.
13:29It was her thing.
13:30If this were anybody else, wouldn't we be demanding that they resign?
13:34As a group, what values do we stand for?
13:38What?
13:39Right, come on.
13:43Easy there.
13:44Easy.
13:46So, we'll go in the order they're called.
13:48James, James.
13:49Hmm?
13:49Probably Cockchester first, then Rutminster.
13:51Rutminster, Gloucester, Chalford and Bisley.
13:54Big swing for the Tories.
13:55We have Beattie Johnson presenting the show.
13:57Watch your feet there.
13:58And James Verica, of course, back on his trusty swing-o-meter.
14:02Everyone, this is Mrs Mingus Scott, who's joining Lady Gosling on the board of the IBA.
14:07After a ten-year stint, chairing the Women's Institute.
14:11So, used to making big decisions.
14:14All set for tonight, guy?
14:15Yes, hopefully I won't have to do too much swinging this evening, Lady Gosling.
14:18And, um, Reverend Penny.
14:20Congratulations on your Campbell Black expose, Miss Johnson.
14:24I will end the haughtiness of the arrogant and lay low the pride of the ruthless.
14:29Let he that is without sin cast the first stone.
14:33Well, thank goodness that, uh, Campbell Black chose that little venturer set up over the
14:37Carinium board.
14:38I'm sure the IBA will align with the public to take a stern view on his behaviour.
14:41I shall be speaking to Mr O'Hara in due course.
14:44One thing I'm curious about, Lord Battingham.
14:46Yes?
14:46As a prominent supporter of the government, isn't it rather an own goal to demolish Campbell Black's reputation
14:52the night before the country goes to the polls?
14:55Well, Sally, as someone who cares deeply about the reputation of our political system,
14:59I would say it's paramount we make it clear to the country that we see no place for behaviour like
15:05Campbell Black's
15:06in the modern government, which is, of course, bigger than any individual member.
15:11Can't help thinking Mrs Thatcher would agree.
15:13Rupert always had a rapier wit.
15:16Milk snatcher.
15:18I spat on my sherry.
15:22Sorry.
15:26Archie's been writing to me at school.
15:28Archie Bennigan.
15:29Caitlin.
15:29He sent me a mixtape.
15:30It's mostly metal, but he also put Caravan of Love on it, so either he loves me or he wants
15:34to have sex in a caravan.
15:36It's not just Rupert's reputation.
15:38If he's losing us work, it's a problem.
15:40I'm here to make telly.
15:42The Yates programme is your baby.
15:43We sell it somewhere else, Mike.
15:45Will anyone else take it now?
15:46I've had the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone.
15:49This is a very difficult position for those of us on the board as moral advisers.
15:55Aye, sir, I'm just rubbish anyway.
15:57Well, it's actually all true, Wes.
15:58I was at that party with Johnny Friedland, and believe me, Rupert's never been monogamous in his life.
16:04I mean, until now.
16:05So even the tree woman at once thinks?
16:08Well, it sounds jolly-tarring.
16:09Look at you.
16:11You're all as bad as each other, snickering schoolboys.
16:14Okay, I think it should take more than a Carinium smear campaign to pull us apart.
16:19Freddie.
16:20You're very quiet.
16:22We'll struggle to do it without Rupert.
16:24It's not just a profile.
16:27We need his financial stake.
16:30What?
16:30But, a good public reputation is crucial for a company.
16:35And Rupert's flushed ours down the cars.
16:39I spoke to my father.
16:41What did he say?
17:11What did he say?
17:11me she says it's urgent oh just just press pause okay I got a tag hello love
17:23Natalie pro has got food poisoning she can't go on tonight I'm odd darling I
17:28really can't
17:31have you seen the newspapers
17:41it's Rupert he's always in some scrape or other I need you please don't worry love
17:48you'll be wonderful my guys are tearing each other to bits here if I leave now the
17:52company could crumble what you're not coming it's venture alone but it's not
18:01dishonest is it Rupert is just Rupert always has been take it or leave it I
18:05mean I personally think people find it refreshing the Archbishop doesn't doesn't
18:09he have anything better to do I mean how narrow-minded and prurient do you have to
18:13be to think this is a problem how thoughtless and ignorant do you have to
18:16be to think it isn't I thought you're a bohemian who here doesn't have a part not
18:19one that BT Johnson would be interested in I don't imagine she gets out of
18:22Glyndebourne I'm sorry it's him or me whatever happened to loyalty Cameron us
18:27against the world are we gonna take this let's face it a direct attack from Tony
18:32Battingham are we gonna take it lying down I'm all for love and forgiveness but I
18:36simply don't see how our franchise bid can survive this what about we just take a
18:40vote democracy in action democracy you know what I mean you can abstain Cameron you
18:54better go while we vote Mike Patrick you know on the board so you should step out as
19:00well this isn't the venturer I signed up for Rupert was swim through shark infested water for any one of
19:12you if this were the other way around whatever you decide please God have the
19:16grace to wait until after the election before you tell him he's been subjected to
19:20another vote you okay this is such a fucking mess why do you defend him because I love him
19:36because he fought for me now is my time to fight for him
19:47okay how do we do this
20:07coffee no thank you it's not a question sit
20:14the times the telegraph today the mail the mirror and the scorpion you're on the front page of all of
20:21them photographers have already set up camp outside waiting for you to leave
20:26I'm glad to see you've dressed up for my dressing down
20:29for God's sake Rupert grow up
20:35we're all tired of the wanton schoolboy playing everything for a laugh might have been endearing in a young buck
20:43but in a man nearing 40 I'm afraid it's long ago passed over into
20:51pathetic right needless to say Helen's furious needless to say oh she knew you'd been unfaithful to her during the
21:01marriage but she had no idea of the scale of her humiliation thank God you saved her from me
21:08we both know I didn't take Helen from you
21:12you'd broken her a long time before I put her back together
21:17and I'm damned if I'll let you break her again
21:20oh come on Millie's
21:22who doesn't have their sexual pachydillas
21:25I know Helen's tastes are pretty vanilla but I'm sure you've used your riding crop on her a couple of
21:28times
21:29your daughter was in tears this morning
21:31because she's afraid that you're going to die of AIDS
21:38you've lost your wife
21:40and you're about to lose your children
21:42because you can't keep your bloody cock inside your trousers
21:47of course the irony
21:48in all that is
21:53is that I have stopped
21:55everything she exposed in that broadcast was years ago
21:58oh really
21:59Sarah Stratton
22:00Natalie Perrault
22:02months ago
22:03and
22:06they're the last
22:11I'm not excusing what's happened but
22:16Beatty let me confide in her at a time when I needed to
22:20and I had no idea she was recording every word of it to use against me later
22:24of course I told her hundreds of good things about Helen but
22:28they didn't broadcast any of that but
22:31don't worry
22:32I'll get what I deserve
22:35I'm going to lose my seat tonight
22:38yes
22:38most likely
22:40but you've been dropped from the national team before and bounced back
22:44you learned then didn't you
22:45pulled yourself together
22:48and Timmy died
22:54I swore if I couldn't look after him I'd take good care of the young riders on the team
22:59keep you close
23:01stop you repeating your mistakes again and again
23:05but of course it was hopeless
23:08I used to blame myself
23:11but the rot in you had set in long before I came on the scene
23:15your father gave you the worst possible example
23:18you can do better for your children
23:21they love you the poor little buggers
23:27for me
23:29put these on
23:31and go and cast your vote with dignity
23:50thank you
23:57hope I can count on your vote
23:58willies
24:01I shall be voting for the liberals
24:12oh
24:13Natalie's not on tonight
24:14tonight the Aurora will be played by Mordo
24:17oh god it gets worse
24:19let's just go for dinner
24:20oh no no let's go for a chance
24:22now we're here
24:22we'd only be at home waiting for the results
24:25oh darling
24:26oh
24:30later tonight we'll be bringing you all the live updates from the central south west region
24:34plus in-depth analysis of the results as they come in
24:37served with a generous helping of corinium charm
24:41look there's daddy
24:42but first let's go over to the ITN newsroom
24:45good evening
24:47the campaigns are over
24:58I know I shouldn't be here
24:59I just wanted to talk to you
25:01it's been a terrible day
25:05I thought if James was on the telly he couldn't be here
25:07so
25:08oh
25:10well I'm cooking supper for the children
25:13of course I'm sorry
25:15is that a potato waffle
25:16mm-hmm
25:17because um
25:20we're having eating all day
25:23we've been arguing about Rupert
25:25Declan's head has put it to a vote
25:27oh
25:27what did you do
25:29I voted for Rupert to stay
25:31oh good
25:32of course he's behaved awfully
25:34but I've always felt it's our job as his friends
25:36to stay loyal
25:37to steer him onto the path
25:40we've all done things
25:44I knew he was going to say something wise like that
25:47Val was worried he's going to invite us in for a threesome
25:50so she's ripped out all the pampers grass just in case
25:54but Rupert's staying
25:56well
25:57Declan's got the casting vote
25:58I left him to it
25:59it didn't feel right
26:00mommy
26:04I'm going to go on
26:10where do you stand on fish fingers
26:14I can't get enough of them
26:24okay come on upstairs now for teeth brushing please
26:28you better listen to your mum
26:30or all your teeth will fall out
26:32oh no
26:33I've got no teeth
26:36where's your teeth going
26:37more funny Mr. Jones
26:40thank you Mr. Verica
26:41I'm Sebastian
26:42well I'm Freddie
26:43Freddie
26:44okay upstairs now
26:50why are all posh people called Sebastian
26:52we're not posh people
26:53you're posher than me
26:56oh
26:57oh dear
26:58are you all right
26:59yeah
27:01have you got a wheelchair
27:03James treats me like a wheelchair
27:05something you can fall back on in old age
27:12why did you marry him
27:18because he asked me
27:25why did you marry Valerie
27:29I loved her
27:35mommy
27:38I loved her
27:39I loved her
27:42I loved her
27:57I loved her
27:57I loved her
27:57I loved her
27:58I loved her
27:58I loved her
27:58I loved her
27:58I loved her
27:59I loved her
27:59I loved her
27:59I loved her
28:02I loved her
28:03I loved her
28:26Where are you?
28:36Good night, Freddy.
28:39Good night, Lizzie.
29:01Ta-da!
29:05Blimey.
29:06Look at you.
29:07Oh, doesn't he look fantastic?
29:10We spent the whole day at the school outfitters.
29:13Proper gentleman.
29:14He looks like a penguin.
29:16Sharon, stop it!
29:21Look what we've done, eh?
29:25Our boy.
29:27I'm proud of you.
29:30We've got everything on the list.
29:32Cricket kit.
29:33Football kit.
29:34Swimming kit.
29:35Tennis kit.
29:36Rugby kit.
29:37Fencing kit.
29:38All the kits.
29:39I'm proud of you and all.
29:41There won't be many Joneses boys on that rugby team all this, son, eh?
29:45Now, Eaton Rules says we can't see you for the first month.
29:48So you're gonna have to be brave, Wayne, okay?
29:50No crying like a ninny.
29:52Now, most of them other boys, they've been away from home since they were babies.
29:56Sharon, come on.
29:57Stop being so lazy and have to get the rest of the bags out of the car, you lump.
30:01Honestly.
30:10Don't know how I'm gonna cope.
30:11Not seeing that cheeky little mug for that long.
30:15You sure you want this?
30:17It makes Mum happy.
30:20Can I take this off now?
30:22Yes, sir.
30:23Come on.
30:33Wasn't she wonderful?
30:36A revelation.
30:38I think you may have found your Titania.
30:42Mord?
30:42I couldn't cast Mordohar.
30:44A Declan would howl.
30:45Let's go round and see her, shall we?
30:55Congratulations, woman of the hour.
30:57Woman of the half hour call.
31:00I mean, this is unexpected and nice.
31:05After thinking I didn't have anyone in tonight.
31:07Yes, I'm sorry none of your family were there.
31:09I'm not.
31:10Tony, isn't he awful?
31:12I'm not complaining.
31:13This is extremely nice wine.
31:16We usually end up at a sticky table at the Cochin Horses.
31:19Well, not for long.
31:21Tony, tell her.
31:22Ah, yes.
31:24Monica's had an idea.
31:25Oh.
31:25And I think it's a rather good one.
31:27I would like to offer you a role in Carinium's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
31:33The leading lady, Titania, Queen of the Fairies.
31:36I think Ward knows her Shakespeare, darling.
31:39It's our flagship project.
31:41Filmed at Carinium with a live audience.
31:44Broadcast on the network.
31:45With a subsequent video release for schools all over the country.
31:49It's going to have quite a reach.
31:50Oh.
31:52God.
31:54I mean, thank you.
31:57I mean, obviously I'll have to speak with my...
32:00Your husband, yes, of course.
32:01I was going to say my agent.
32:04Hmm?
32:06Oh, Ibsen would be pride.
32:29Ready to go live, studio?
32:32Countdown to hand over to ITN in five, four, three...
32:41Good evening.
32:42And welcome to the Cotswold Roundup election special.
32:46Let's go over to our outside broadcast unit in Conchester now.
32:51Where I am being told, yes, Paul Stratton has retained his seat for the Conservatives.
32:56I'd like to give thanks to all my supporters, my constituency staff,
33:01and to my wonderful secretary, Samantha.
33:05And, of course, I would like to thank my daughters, Penelope and Cressida.
33:10To my father, Desmond Stratton, QC, for his sage advice during this election.
33:15And, finally, to my schnauzer, Sultan, for being there.
33:21Good boy, Sultan.
33:23Paul Stratton holds Rochester for the Conservatives.
33:25All eyes now turn to Chalford and Bisley, where Rupert Campbell Blackspeed hangs in the balance
33:30after last night's shocking expose.
33:32Over to James and his swing-o-meter.
33:34Paul Stratton retaining his majority by more than 15,000.
33:38A decisive win there.
33:40Oh, no, don't go that way. No, no, no, no, no.
33:43Uh, I'll just hold it.
33:45Don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.
33:48Beat it.
33:50Head up, okay? Act like nothing's wrong and people will believe it.
33:55Whatever happens, I just want to say it has been an honor to serve with you and...
34:00All right, children. We're going over the top.
34:03Ready?
34:06Ready.
34:25Childford and Bisley are about to declare.
34:27Stand by for outside broadcast.
34:30And I'm just hearing now that we can go over to Childford and Bisley for the announcement of today's results.
34:34We weren't expecting you back tonight, Tony.
34:36I wouldn't miss this for the world.
34:39And cut to outside broadcast.
34:43As returning officer for the Childford and Bisley constituency, I hereby declare that the total number of votes for each
34:51candidate was as follows.
34:52Michael Seaborne, Labour Party candidate, 5,342.
34:59David Edwards, known as Bar Bar, Woolly Ramsbottom.
35:04Cotswold Looney Party, 283.
35:10Margaret Baldwin, Liberal Party, 24,292.
35:18Rupert Campbell Black, Conservative Party.
35:26Rupert Campbell Black, Conservative Party.
35:2736,272.
35:31I do hereby declare that Rupert Campbell Black is duly elected Member of Parliament for Childford and Bisley.
35:40And he claims the seat for the Conservative Party.
35:47Go on, go on, go on.
35:48I don't...
35:49You don't know how that happened.
35:51You missed the point.
35:52You missed the point.
35:52You missed it.
35:52You missed it.
35:54You missed it.
35:54You missed it.
36:00Thank you all.
36:01I will do my absolute utmost to deserve your confidence.
36:06Onward.
36:07Rupert Campbell Black, re-elected as Member of Parliament for Childford and Bisley.
36:12This is his girlfriend, television executive Cameron Cook.
36:17If you're just joining us, 88 results have been declared so far.
36:21In the last few moments, district Minister for Sport, Rupert Campbell Black, has surprised everyone by retaining...
36:45They just announced.
36:47He won, didn't he?
36:51How does he do it?
36:53He's still their Olympic hero.
36:55Not to those who really know him.
36:58He's even got you on side.
37:00Look.
37:01He still needs a father figure sometimes.
37:03Or maybe you still need a son.
37:07I'm sorry.
37:08I'm sorry.
37:10I sometimes think that you see Rupert through rose-tinted glasses because you missed Timmy.
37:16And it pains me because I'm pretty sure that Rupert is no kind of substitute.
37:20Rupert is a danger to everyone around him when he's a loose cannon.
37:23It's a good thing that he kept his seat.
37:26If Rupert were a woman, he would be tarred and feathered and dragged by his hair through the streets of
37:33Rochester.
37:33Oh, for God's sake.
37:33He gets a seat at Parliament.
37:35All I get is to suffer by association.
37:37To look and feel stupid that I was ever married to him, that I ever had his children.
37:41No matter what I do, I will always be the Olympic hero's embarrassed first wife.
37:51Come on.
38:00What happened to you in Kenya?
38:04What?
38:06You never told me about Kenya.
38:09What happened to you there?
38:12No, no, I didn't.
38:16I didn't want to because I knew you'd think differently of me.
38:20Oh, and so you do.
38:23I think you should sleep in the spare room tonight.
38:29Which one?
38:46What happened to you.
38:58Look up, dear girl.
39:00Oh
39:13Chicken song what spinning images a party
39:23Just one the general
39:26Bloody election actually mrs. Thatcher just won the general bloody election
39:31Honey, I need to talk to you about venture. No celebrating venture won the election
39:41I'm gonna bet
39:43My fine fine. Oh, I'll come with you. No, no, no celebrate
39:50It's your party
39:56Let's do it once again
39:58Hold on
40:01Chicken in the air
40:03Chicken picture of your mouth
40:05Buy a jumbo jet
40:07And then bury all your blood
40:13Take that dimblebee
40:15As always the great British public voted for mummy. How about we go somewhere and celebrate you me? Why not?
40:22I'll check under the bed for tape recorders
40:27Okay, then
40:28Really? No
40:32I
40:32Thought you were wonderful James
40:36Ah
40:38Hey team
40:39Who's up for partying?
40:41I could have a quick beverage
40:44Daisy
40:44Going somewhere nice?
40:46Knocking with the ob crew at the cotchester arms
40:48Cider with the camera boys
40:50I've got
40:51uh
40:52Bolly in my dressing room
40:53No, thank you
40:54Well, come on Daisy. Why the sad face? You used to be much more up for partying
40:58Fuck off
41:00Little Daisy just told me to F off
41:08Deirdre?
41:09Yes, James
41:10Call me a cab home. There's a love
41:27What's where he put? I left him at the party sticking a deck chair up his nose
41:34What's wrong now?
41:35Oh, what is it?
41:39Do you want to be married to him or not? If you do stop being a whiny little bitch and
41:43go back to your house
41:46You can't talk to me like that
41:47I just did
42:02The buzz darling of revealing to the nation the results of their little pencil marks
42:06Oh, you're brilliant
42:08Beatty bloody bumfuck bloody Johnson getting all the glory
42:14Maybe next year I could ask for a bigger pendulum
42:16Yes
42:18Oh
42:20Speaking of pendulums
42:23Looks like my election erection's coming out to play again
42:27Yes, it is
42:31Hmm?
42:34Oh, oh
42:36I've brushed my teeth
42:39Fine, we'll just have sex
42:40Okay
42:45Come on
42:47Do you know people really do underestimate me
42:49Oh
42:50I'd be shocked if after tonight Venturer don't try to poach me
42:53Or better yet
42:54Persuade me to be a mole
42:55Mm-hmm
42:55And be a fantastic double agent
42:57Mm-hmm
43:15I live in a hole
43:16Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
43:17I am a mole and I live in a hole
43:21I am a mole and I live in a hole
43:35I am a kite and you are my bollard
43:56Oh darling, you're home
44:00Congratulations, you won
44:02I made you breakfast
44:04You must be exhausted after all that celebrating
44:10I'm so sorry
44:11About that stupid fight that we had
44:15It was just my hormones
44:17Wasn't your fault at all
44:18But the baby?
44:20Your baby
44:22I've been so mean to you, Paulie
44:25I just want us to be a proper little family
44:29I'm so happy
44:37You know, some women
44:42Find that the second trimester
44:45Is the horniest three months of their life
45:06Gerald!
45:07I was in bed
45:10I've come to join you
45:23I can't believe Rupert actually did it
45:26He's Superman
45:27Should I be jealous?
45:28I'd do anything for Rupert
45:30But it's you I'm really in love with
45:32You and Mrs. Thatcher
45:33Oh, I think my erection just died
45:36I know, really
45:37Just stop talking about Mrs. Thatcher
45:40Sorry, sorry
45:42You know I want to be an MP, Charles
45:44And that's why you're getting married to a woman that you don't love
45:47And throwing away all your principles to work for a party
45:50That's taking away gay men's rights to even be considered human beings
45:55I'm going to change things
45:58From the inside
46:03Really?
46:04Why not?
46:15You know, Gerald congratulated me last night on being a perfect politician's wife
46:21Gerald is very drunk
46:24I mean, what does that even look like?
46:26Put up and shut up?
46:28That's not your style, is it?
46:35You know I supported you because I don't think what happened to you was fair
46:40I can't deny anything Petey said
46:44So true
46:45You don't have to
46:48You are a whole person
46:53And I love you
47:05I'll take the dogs out
47:13I adore you
47:14Thank you for supporting me
47:25Oh, yes
47:27Oh, yes
47:28Are you happy alone?
47:32All right
47:33Don't get me
47:38Downing Street, we're just on the phone
47:41Mrs. Thatcher wants to see you
47:56I know it's smarts, darling
47:58Whatever you think about Rupert
48:00You know I really couldn't do all this without your support
48:04All your ideas
48:06You're my secret weapon
48:07It cuts both ways, darling
48:09We're a team
48:11But I think we've come out of this unpleasantness stronger than ever
48:15Look at him, I mean
48:17Who does he think he is?
48:18But he's Sir Lancelot
48:19Sir Fox-a-lot
48:26You'll stop this feud with Rupert now
48:30Yes?
48:32Please
48:34I will
48:35Stop this feud with Rupert
48:50How did last night go for your mother? Did she call?
48:52She didn't call
48:56Egg steady?
48:57No, I couldn't eat tight
49:01Mrs. Thatcher's third landslide
49:03Poor Mr. Kinnick should just give up
49:05She's gonna be Prime Minister forever
49:07Change is hard
49:09It scares people, so
49:11They stick with the status quo
49:14Well, that's depressing
49:16It's ready
49:18You gotta talk to Rupert
49:20What have you decided?
49:26Rupert
49:26Surely if you won the election
49:27I thought you'd want to know there's a press conference about to start at Downing Street
49:33Let's hear what Maggie has to say for herself then
49:35It's not Mrs. Thatcher, it's Rupert
49:44Thank you, gentlemen, ladies
49:47I've spoken to Mrs. Thatcher in light of the uncensored program the night before last and the coverage that broadcast
49:54generated
49:55I told the Prime Minister that although I won my seat in yesterday's general election
49:59I do not want the scandal around me to distract from the important work that our government is doing
50:05It was therefore with deep regret that I tendered and the Prime Minister accepted my resignation as an MP and
50:13a minister
50:16There'll be another statement in your course, gentlemen
50:20It seems you've won after all, my lord
50:30One down
50:33Three to go
50:45All right, tell me
50:48Do you need me to go?
51:00Your pleasure
51:04I envy you
51:05Do you want me to be fortunate yet?
51:08This
51:10Love
51:11Love
51:11Love
51:12Love
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