00:10Slime boy!
00:14Legs are numb and the phone is out.
00:17Who will earn my like today?
00:19Gasp!
00:20I mean, they were only dating for a year.
00:24Good for Liam.
00:25Aren't you happy for your brother?
00:26No!
00:27He's beating me now.
00:28He's engaged and I have nothing, all right?
00:31He's only four months older than me.
00:33How is that possible?
00:34God, I have nothing to show for myself.
00:36Everybody hates me because I haven't accomplished anything.
00:39Oh, Noel, that's not why people hate you.
00:43That's it!
00:44I should set up an online dating profile.
00:46I'm a catch after all, right?
00:50Right?
00:51Which is nothing to be embarrassed about.
00:54There, done!
00:55Now to see all the hits I'm getting.
00:58And now to see all the hits.
01:01All right, third time's a charm.
01:06Oh, hello.
01:07Hello, my sexy man.
01:10Okay.
01:10We already need credit card info to big time sex with you.
01:14God damn it!
01:15Odd guy, you fool.
01:16You come on too strong.
01:18I thought he'd be my Mr. Right.
01:20So, you called me in to help spice up your dating profile, huh?
01:25No, you broke into my apartment because the butterfly you were chasing flew in through my window.
01:29Challenge accepted.
01:30Let's see what I can do here.
01:31Oh, yeah, here's your problem.
01:32Under job, you said you were the last honest man.
01:35Ah, women hate that.
01:36Hell, everybody hates that.
01:38It's what I am.
01:39And now you're a doctor.
01:41I'm not a doctor.
01:42Now you're a doctor in this, aren't you?
01:43How tall are you?
01:44Six five?
01:44Seven three?
01:45I'm 5'11 and three quarters.
01:47Six five.
01:47And you're a veteran of, uh, what's a good one?
01:50What's a good war?
01:51Oh, this is absurd, okay?
01:53Just take it down.
01:54Okay, well, you already have 300 hits.
01:56301, 302, 314.
01:58Jeez.
01:58Can you make it say I fought ISIS?
02:00Buddy, I can make it say you beat him.
02:15Oh, and I'm not permitted to be scared.
02:18This is so typical of Americans.
02:20Uh, aren't you American?
02:22I'm a citizen of the world, baby.
02:27Hey, you!
02:29Okay, well, I have the fingers of a nine-pound ball, you.
02:32It's the ball who should be in Paris, not me.
02:34Ugh.
02:36Because the spinning top, say it with me, represents reality.
02:41Ah!
02:42Wait, you left your parachute.
02:44I no longer fear hell in its torment.
02:48I should just throw in the towel.
02:50Maybe get into craft beers or something to keep my mind occupied
02:53while I circle the train.
02:55Jesus, Noel, you went on three dates.
02:57Maybe let Swan Boy and me help you on the next one.
02:59That's rich.
03:00How could you two help me?
03:01I could sell you performance-enhancing shoes.
03:03You don't have any of those.
03:04Yeah, the magic was in you the whole time.
03:06Pay up.
03:07No, I meant we could hide in the bushes and give you advice.
03:10Like Cyrano de Bergera?
03:12Just lie!
03:13This shit is not complicated.
03:15Ugh, Swan Boy, the only thing you know how to do
03:17is end relationships.
03:19Oh, glad to see we're just laying it all out there.
03:24Cyrano?
03:24Cyrano, yes, de Bergera. Let's go.
03:26Hmm.
03:32She's not coming.
03:33Can I come out of the bushes now?
03:35Ow.
03:36Why bother?
03:37Why do anything?
03:38It's hopeless.
03:39Yeah, that's my default tape.
03:41Ow.
03:42Liam and Mariah!
03:43Oh my God, are they okay?
03:45No!
03:46It's great!
03:48They broke the engagement off.
03:49Oh no, why?
03:51Ah, Swan Boy, the only thing you know how to do
03:54is end relationships.
03:56End relationships.
03:57End relationships.
03:59Swan Boy.
04:02Mmm.
04:04Swan Boy.
04:05Oh, fuck.
04:07Swan Boy, did you break up Liam and Mariah's engagement?
04:10Who?
04:11My brother and his fiance.
04:12You did, didn't you?
04:13You took it to heart when I told you
04:15all you know how to do is end relationships
04:16and so you ended theirs.
04:18Whoa, buddy, hold the phone.
04:19That's the nicest thing you've ever done for me.
04:21Hell, that's the only nicest thing
04:22you've ever done for me.
04:23Yeah, our bar for you is so low.
04:27Nice, nice work.
04:28All right, sure.
04:29What the hell?
04:30I broke them up.
04:31Viewer, I have no idea
04:32what the hell they're talking about.
04:34My best guess,
04:35two people fell out of love.
04:36Happens every day.
04:37I wasn't really the protagonist of this one,
04:39so I tuned a lot of this episode out.
04:41Glad to see I came out on top, though.
04:43Ah.
04:44I guess what they say is true.
04:47Certain butterflies are toxic
04:48and should not be eaten.
04:50.
04:50.
04:51.
04:52.
04:52.
04:53.
04:54.
04:55.
04:55Transcription by CastingWords
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