- 6 hours ago
Hacks S05E06-7 (2026)
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TVTranscript
00:02we finished the staircase frame a couple hours ago fiber optics in process terrific we ordered
00:07the oak floors that you like oh good wonderful but there is a matter uh we should discuss what
00:12um i don't really want to say this since you threw paint in my truck when i got the banisters
00:16wrong
00:16plus suggesting anything other than rose gold was demented totally um but the building's gonna be
00:21more work than we discussed what are we talking well the electrical's not up to code the hvac
00:25needs to be completely gutted the estimates on the theater are skyrocketing because of the
00:29custom lighting and the pyrotechnic capabilities well a vegas show without pyrotechnics is like
00:33a lap dance in broad daylight i won't be caught dead doing it all in all we're looking at an
00:37additional 20 million dollars to get the diva operational and that's just a conservative
00:40estimate oh god just to say it it would save us a ton if we didn't have the devers statue
00:46well
00:47how are people supposed to make an entrance if not between my legs where's the joy the the whimsy
00:52where's the the wow factor the wow factor well i mean people love this design the underwear mirror
00:58for upskirt selfies will be a destination in and of itself it's just that it just seems technically
01:03unnecessary unnecessary is there a gas leak in here actually there is and that's probably gonna
01:08cost oh my god okay okay okay maybe if we book a headliner we can use some of the advanced
01:12ticket
01:13sales to fund this okay i'll get on that you try to find an outside investor is now a bad
01:19time to
01:20discuss why we can't convert a chlorine pool to pink champagne yes yes ma'am
01:36so what happened what happened we took our room you didn't hear this from me but she had the best
01:40night of her life no oh it's depper could you give me one second well so you shouldn't be talking
01:46to me about this stuff why not hello hi i need your help we're building that state-of-the-art
01:50theater
01:50at the diva and we need a comic for a residency who can bring in a ton of pre-sales
01:54do you know
01:54of anyone deborah you know you don't have to fish for compliments with me as kayla would say you are
01:58the number one living legend and you would slay the boots down on the diva chiquita banana
02:03it should be you you should do it no no no no my residency days are behind me oh uh
02:07do you know
02:08bruno fox is he related to red fox i don't think so because one is black and one is white
02:12but you know
02:12what i never assume you don't know what their mom was doing okay anyway he's like a super popular
02:17podcaster and stand-up he's got a huge following um oh he does his travelocity ads but i actually
02:21find quite funny i don't even hits get bad oh that guy oh he'd be good can you get him
02:26uh yeah yeah i
02:28can get him great let me know will do
02:34this is so weird to be back here well she already took down the pictures i put up we've been
02:40gone for
02:40over two years also why would she keep up pictures of you and your college friends
02:43because we're hot and fun well look what the cat farted in let's suck and queeper
02:49you too poor cat great to see you guys if you're looking to poach clients there's a dial at the
02:54center right down the street oh my goodness wow that's really funny so look i'm gonna keep this
02:59brief please we have an opportunity for one of your clients as you may have heard deborah vance is
03:03opening a casino hotel in downtown vegas and we would like bruno fox to be the very first comic
03:08in residence wow wow bruno he has a lot of balls in the air right now this is a huge
03:14opportunity for
03:15stand-up right i mean you know that vegas residency means a steady paycheck shows every night of the
03:19week a lot more money than you make on the road oh yeah yeah well you know i'll try to
03:23remember to
03:24mention it to him the next time i talk to him yeah let's see what he says yeah yeah yeah
03:26the next time
03:27you talk to him could be right now if you just no i'm not oh we'd love to but we
03:30got to go right now
03:30because we've got massages the kind where you come oh together we're gonna go yes wait are you
03:35serious are you really gonna walk out and just later dildos oh my god i know they're gonna present
03:40this to bruno like it's a total waste of time just to fuck with us so sadistic reminds me of
03:43how i
03:43used to treat this one girl my summer camp so mean you know what fuck them we are gonna go
03:49to bruno
03:49ourselves and present this offer directly hell yeah i knew you had that dog in you all right here we
03:54go he's performing this weekend in kalamazoo michigan we are going central time kinky it's eastern
04:05to be asked to be a food tester dream come true well it's perfect i mean you have flyover state
04:10taste and josefina has the most refined palate of anyone i've ever met pistachio cream in an entree
04:15i'm feeling crazy for this so what if we like this chef's food you guys are gonna just poach him
04:20for
04:20marty yep damn nice bowl rice is hot though well it's not personal it's just business oh excuse me
04:28i love a little crunch big sleigh oh deborah i've been working on the opening joke so what about
04:33this um hello madison square garden i've been silenced for 18 months to let me finally say this
04:37big pants only look good if you're tall yeah i don't want to talk about pants i can't believe
04:43we can't figure out this opener no i know i think we have writer's block we gotta get some new
04:46energy
04:47going you know we could try cold plunging helps joe rogan helps him do what all right good point
04:52so i put out some feelers to some friends in the vc world about funding for the diva
04:56that was graham sweeney's office he's a young tech developer big portfolio he immediately responded
05:01and wants to find a meet with you oh great and he asked for ava to come to what me
05:07why oh my god
05:09do you think this is like an indecent proposal situation where he'll only give you the millions
05:12if he has one fabulous night with miss ava daniels millions please he could get you with a donation
05:17to green peace and some combat boots that's true no one is asking you to have sex but these vc
05:25guys
05:25are freaky and we need the money so if he asks to eat sushi off you you know play ball
05:28all right fine
05:30i'll go but i'm telling you if there's a philadelphia roll in my titty i'm eating that shit
05:33marcus set up a meeting and you after this i'm taking you to a parking lot to practice walking in
05:38high heels now that is a crispy skin
05:50so i come out of the men's room and i see a trans guy standing there waiting right
05:54i look him in his eyes i say bro i do not mean this like it sounds but do not
06:00go in there
06:03whoo thank you thank you let's go get this son of a bitch
06:12bruno fox yo can we come in
06:15okay bonjour this is my partner kayla schaefer how you doing pleasure um sorry to accost you right
06:21after your set which was amazing by the way so funny we couldn't stop smiling and laughing thank
06:25you but we have a very attractive offer for you i mean if it's a cock thing maybe but i'm
06:29pretty much
06:30retired from gay stuff oh it's not a cock thing no no we're managers from l.a schaefer and lusack
06:34we represent deborah vance among others um and we just wanted to talk to you about a stand-up
06:39opportunity that we think you might like look man sorry but when i'm off stage i can't be about to
06:44work anymore you know okay okay um i am down to go out don't want to party hmm um i'm
06:51100% down for
06:52that okay yeah let's do it what do you think then i mean there's a little bar down the street
06:56called
06:56kokis do we need a reservation for kokis no but we do need someone to drive can you all drive
07:02us
07:02we got a subaru we rented so let's do it music to my ears the car play doesn't work but
07:05that's
07:06all right because i'll just sing for us hope you like nelly frittato kidding me i'm a nelly boy
07:09okay let's get some beers for the ride though right
07:18hi hello good evening right this way i'll go get mr sweeney what did she say this dress is so
07:25tight
07:25i can't hear in it also does not leave room for underwear i think my bush is leaving an invitation
07:29well well well deborah vance in the flesh this is such an honor i'm graham sweeney graham good to meet
07:34you likewise and ava hey what's going on hi i'm so psyched you could come too i'm a huge fan
07:41of
07:41both of you thank you so i guess you're probably wondering why i wanted to meet with you well no
07:46i'm never surprised when a man's interested in meeting me i bet you're not uh well would you
07:51mind if i do a little presentation sure okay please come set me right
07:57land will be right out with some drinks she makes a bomb martini grab a seat please all right
08:04now you ladies comfortable not really okay first a little bit about me i got my start streamlining
08:11the way hospitals buy and receive medical tubing oh i used to sell a cat themed blood pressure monitor
08:15see so you get it genius so now that i've conquered the health care industry it's time for me to
08:20move
08:20into my next venture which is an llm generative ai model i'm calling quick scribble
08:28ah it's an ai chat bot that helps people sound like the most optimized funniest smartest version
08:33of themselves it's like photoshopping your voice for anybody who's looking to punch up the way that
08:37they speak or write or make jokes this will help okay take for example a a bridesmaid at a wedding
08:45she wants to make a funny toast but she's a bank teller sorry so when you say she you mean
08:50an ai person that you invented that i've prompted yes cool let's see how she does
08:55sarah's always loved to have fun maybe a little too much fun if you know what i mean
09:03sex now that sucks shit right yeah but what if she had had help crafting that toast by none other
09:10than comedy goddess deborah vance love her it might sound a little something like this
09:15according to the talmud every bride is beautiful on her wedding day the talmud is of course the
09:22drag queen who did sarah's cheek contouring today boom goes the dynamite even grandpa's deaf ass is
09:27laughing at that one not bad yeah it does sound like me yeah so um how did you train it
09:34to sound
09:34like deborah already well by scraping material it's online oh so they stole it technically right now
09:40it's not regulated and that's why i've come to you i want to compensate you and i don't just want
09:44what's online i want the real deborah vance oh well then you should have met me three noses ago
09:49well they nailed it it's a sexy ass nose now look i want your full library and for you to
09:55work with
09:55the ai itself training it yeah can i ask um why us because deborah has the perfect voice for quick
10:02scribble i mean you have such mass appeal that's why you have the number one late night show in america
10:07you tell it like it is but in a funny way and that's what everybody wants to be well this
10:11does
10:11kind of prove my long-standing theory that my way is best and everyone else is wrong exactly see i
10:17want
10:17that and when i heard that you were looking for investment in your casino i was like well this is
10:20the coolest opportunity for us to partner up so ladies should we talk about the nuts and bolts let's
10:26yeah okay so we've got three blocks it is getting so late we got to bring up the residency as
10:33soon as
10:33he gets back because i don't know how much longer i can stay out come on you stayed up all
10:37night for
10:37the fiona apple pre-sale you can do it tonight she never goes on tour it was either wheel it
10:40was a
10:40big thing for me all right hey there he is can we get another round please wow another round indeed
10:46i haven't drank as much since i rushed you were in a frat no almost i wouldn't fuck the goat
10:51and i
10:51reported them to the dean but you know what i'm proud of that because it led to much healthier rush
10:54policies on campus that's just the kind of guy he is he would never fuck any animals
10:58no one okay anyway so listen deborah vance um is opening a casino in las vegas and they're
11:03looking for a comedian to do a residency and we think that comedian should be you
11:09a vegas residency that's right huh thank you i can get off the road finally that could be a good
11:16thing for me bruno vegas come on i mean raw seafood bars as far as the eye can see strip
11:22clubs on every
11:23block i mean it's the promised land for guys like us this is probably the tequila talking but
11:29yeah i'm in yeah yeah okay amazing we are doing it huh come on all right come on all right
11:35so listen
11:35we're gonna head back to la tomorrow but we'll be in touch with details well you can't leave we can't
11:41no i have another show tomorrow night come on we gotta go out afterwards celebrate get drinks
11:46oh well look if we're gonna work together i need to get to know you guys we gotta bond you
11:50know
11:50stay stay please okay okay all right yes now one question who's getting the bag
11:59oh cocaine um i just i was really looking forward to reading before bed your question i already got
12:05it oh my gosh okay fine i can only do two lines you have given me so much to think
12:10about this is
12:11really really interesting fantastic pitch yeah i have a couple questions i mean look ava i know how
12:17much you've contributed to deborah's recent material so if i want to accurately capture her
12:21true voice i need you involved okay so when we hand over the material you can ensure that it's just
12:26going to be used for bridesmaid speeches and not to make like hitler seem young and funny to
12:29red-pilled dark web gooners well we're not in the business of censoring our customers
12:36right don't try to argue with her you'll get nowhere next thing you know you'll have donated
12:39ten thousand dollars to some barista's top surgery i don't know what happened to the term
12:43boob job that's what they called it when i had one ava ai is here and it's here to stay
12:47so you
12:48either get on board or you get left in the past see that is a big part of why i
12:52hate it this this
12:53forced inevitability people like you are always saying that it's happening whether you like it or
12:57not but you're the ones making it happen okay and you could easily stop it if people could say
13:02that they didn't want it but you don't want to give people a choice so you just say oh the
13:05train's
13:06already on the tracks and you don't let people decide for themselves i'm sorry it is technological
13:09r-a-p-e rape you said it not me oh okay okay let's let's all just take a breath
13:14i wish i could
13:15take a breath i'm strapped down in this motherfucker i can't breathe in here deborah now why should we
13:19believe that this app is this amazing thing that is going to change the world obviously you want us
13:23to believe that because you stand to profit from it so of course you're going to tell us that it's
13:26happening no matter what and it's inevitable okay oh my god this is exactly like when like a
13:30fucking random ass diner puts a sign out front that's like best waffles in america and it's like
13:33yeah according to who the people trying to sell the fucking waffles i am not trying to sell you bad
13:37waffles trust well yet again she's managed to bring waffles into the conversation okay lots to
13:42think about here graham yeah thanks so much i'll uh i'll give it a thought i'll talk to my people
13:46thanks jever yeah
13:51sorry i'm good
14:01i hate this place it's not like an old bicycle seat
14:03it's not that bad and we needed to save money so let's just try and go to sleep
14:08i just normally sleep naked well sorry but tonight you're not sleeping naked okay okay jimmy
14:21what is going on over there
14:23it's so itchy my clothes are making me itchy okay you can take off your clothes underneath the covers
14:28but then in the morning you're putting them back on under the covers okay yay
14:32take off my lady boxers okay i don't need to play by play just do your thing
14:40why are you taking them off like that that's how i always take them off i'm disrobing you do this
14:44alone what yes hello i've been waiting for you down in my office oh god can we crack a window
14:56it smells like king tootin commons tomb in here sorry i just i got distracted researching the ethics
15:01of ai turns out really bad yeah well everything's unethical if you think about it too much as my
15:06manicurist says can you changing then don't think about oh my god oh you want me to whitewash
15:11my manicurist people have accents okay i'm just gonna move past that one look before you meet
15:15with this guy again you should know that large language models like quick scribble are really
15:18really bad for the environment it's an app everyone uses apps aren't all apps bad for the environment
15:23yes but ai uses servers that need 15 times more energy and they build them in poor communities look
15:27at this in memphis an ai plant is stealing all the fresh water and blasting the air with nitrogen oxides
15:33i see and how much energy are you using keeping 400 tabs open on your browser see i can play
15:39this
15:39game too deborah no come on i sold my malaysian palm oil farm can i have this no i am
15:46lending my
15:47name and my expertise to a program that is going to make people's lives easier well what about the
15:51economy okay i know you care about that i mean ai has already destroyed massive sectors of the
15:56workforce yeah well you know if your job is replaceable let it be replaced i'm sorry that's
16:00how the market works oh my god okay well what about me ai is absolutely going to take away jobs
16:05from writers it already has not if you're good if you're good you can't be replaced did you know
16:09that in the 80s there was a woman in miami who would do my entire set verbatim and honestly before
16:14my lift she might have looked better than me too but she couldn't recreate my stage presence and
16:19neither can a computer you're missing the point okay maybe you will be fine but there are a ton of
16:23people who won't be okay this is causing a cataclysmic reshaping of our society that's going to doom
16:28us honey please please it's 9 a.m okay well i'm sorry i i cannot in good conscience participate in
16:33this so if you use any of my work i will sue you on what grounds the one cool thing
16:38about the american
16:38legal system is that i can sue you even if i have no legal standing i learned that from you
16:44okay fine i will just do this deal with material i've written without you now can we please stop
16:50talking about this and go downstairs and work no i'm gonna go outside and look at a tree maybe you
16:56take your toaster to paint
17:06if you were a letter what letter would you be you would definitely be an s unpredictable all right
17:12and there we go three long-handed iced teas oh no thank you but long islands make me horny what
17:18they make you horny no okay how would you even know that everybody at tennis camp knew that you're
17:22trying to dance with everyone okay we all talked about it it's on now that's awesome okay
17:26cheers to us cheers indeed okay bruno i think we need to talk about the specifics of the
17:32devalicious residency resident residents see what is your earliest availability and maybe we could
17:38talk about um an on sale date we can get your poster done guys guys guys guys guys you're making
17:42me
17:42like nervous all right like no don't be nervous come on man what is that voice don't be nervous i
17:48said
17:48i don't want to talk business it's boring i want to have fun okay let's play a drinking game get
17:53to
17:53know each other better get a little bit more comfortable i'm up for a drinking game at all
17:57time what do you got so me and my besties play a game where you go around in a circle
18:01and you say
18:01the worst thing that you've ever done and if your worst thing is worse than theirs you gotta take a
18:06drink
18:07jimmy you go first oh no let's play flip do it do it do it okay okay okay okay this
18:13is actually bad
18:15um we got a pr box of free sephora products for a client and i took them back to sephora
18:21and returned
18:21them for store credit no i know i know i know i know i've been carrying that around it's it's
18:26not how i
18:27normally am but i was just out of this beard lube i have this particular kind of cream that i
18:30shaved with
18:31and i needed to get it okay so bruno your turn yeah no i'm good i'm good oh come on
18:35i just told
18:35my sephora thing so now i kind of feel weird okay fine i'll go i'll go i had a good
18:39one okay the worst
18:40thing every day was i poked holes in my dad's condoms because i wanted a sister and then he used
18:45those condoms with his mistress and then got her pregnant and she wanted to keep it but i ended up
18:49being a boy so now we have like a creepy half-brother who no one talks to at events oh
18:52i really love
18:53robert i try to make him feel welcome whenever i see him he stinks okay bruno now that you know
18:57the rules
18:57your turn what's the worst thing you've ever done it was six years ago this coming august
19:06what was i was leaving my exes and we just got in one of these fights that we would get
19:12into all
19:12the time where we were just saying awful fucking shit to each other man just trying our hardest to
19:18hurt one another i was driving i was so pissed off and i couldn't see straight
19:26and he was just there he was just suddenly there out of nowhere and i slammed on the brakes
19:31i slammed on the brakes and it was too late man
19:35it was too late
19:38that sound that sound i can hear it all the time i hear it when i try to sleep
19:43it's like it haunts me he was dead
19:50and what would driving him to the hospital have done he was gone so i just drove and drove
19:55and it's kept
19:57you gotta turn yourself in
20:01what bruno think about the family that poor family but they need closure bruno you can't keep
20:10living like this okay it's eating you alive you're killing yourself look at you you're on the road
20:13all the time you're drinking way too much you're self-medicating you're totally scaring us you never
20:17want to talk about work it's weird the only way through is out you've got to turn yourself in brother
20:25you're right i can't live this fucking lie anymore
20:27what the fuck man i'll call 911 i guess
20:31yeah
20:35hello i am kayla shaffer and i am reporting a murder that my friend did
20:49grand hello
20:50hey come on hello gorgeous
20:53oh nice to see you again
20:56you hungry you want a uh piggy
20:58oh i think i'll pass
20:59okay
21:00hey uh thanks for meeting me here
21:02yeah yeah you're a big uh soccer fan
21:04yeah they're on that french team right there in the blue unis
21:08i'd be there right now but it's a lot more important to me to lock down this deal with you
21:13well i'll tell you what once my casino is open i'll make sure you have your own seat at the
21:17diva sportsbook lounge
21:19okay so you're in my lawyers looked over the terms and they gave it to you okay
21:23ah yes eulogies everywhere just got a whole lot fucking funnier
21:27you are gonna make so many people funny
21:29oh well
21:30and i bet pretty soon you're gonna be using it to write your own material
21:34oh well i doubt that well you are because it's gonna be so good you're gonna want to
21:38no i don't think so
21:41yes you will because everyone's gonna be using it so if you want to keep up with the other comedians
21:45you're gonna have to
21:45but i want to write the jokes i like doing the work
21:48so you're telling me that if you got stuck on a punchline and you had a tool at your disposal
21:52to help you with that you wouldn't use it
21:53absolutely not there's no shortcut
21:55yep but here's the thing there is i created it you're welcome
21:59well okay fine yes there is but using that shortcut then makes it something else it makes it
22:05not art um i'm sorry but your joke about laser hair removal is art
22:11okay you're right it's pretentious to call it art
22:13but that laser hair removal joke is something i arrived at after trying a million other versions
22:18every time that joke didn't work not only did i make it better
22:21but it made me a comedian because to become one you have to do it and fail
22:25and do it and fail over and over and over until you figure out who you are
22:29lady stop squawking at me all i'm trying to do is make your life easier
22:35but it shouldn't be
22:36why are you trying to optimize the creative process i mean that's one of the things we've actually figured out
22:40we're good there you know we have been ever since caveman told stories about bears
22:43i mean fix the ozone come up with a cure for cancer
22:45oh my god cancer again
22:47look it sounds a little bit like you don't really respect quick scribble
22:49i respect your business acumen i do i do but art is only art because the humanity behind it
22:54plenty of artists are already using it
22:56well fine that's a right doesn't mean i have to respect them
22:58oh excuse me i didn't know shakespeare had a beehive
23:01oh okay that was good that was good see you came up with that all by yourself
23:07aren't you proud
23:09yeah this is clearly not gonna work
23:11yeah take care
23:11guess not okay you take care too
23:13you know what lady i can get any comic i want to train my ai
23:17kill tony said he'd do it for free
23:19yeah you do that by the way one of your guys just scored an own goal
23:23oh fuck
23:25fuck
23:27what
23:28just watch the game
23:38what are you doing out here
23:41listening to the crickets while i write
23:44watching the stars communing with nature
23:45you know while i still can
23:51you got your blood money
23:54no i decided against it
23:57very serious
23:59yes
24:00yes
24:02whoo score one for the good guys i am so glad i got through to you
24:06no no this was an amoral decision based on a nerd being a loser to me
24:10if you say so
24:11please this was not all you
24:13if i was that susceptible to your influence i would have become a communist
24:16the moment you first darkened my doorstep
24:18whatever
24:19whatever
24:19oh god
24:23all right
24:23know that that's behind us
24:25let's see if we can tackle the real existential problem of our time
24:29this goddamn opening joke
24:31oh yeah
24:31i've been uh
24:32been working on a couple things
24:33check that out
24:40okay
24:40guess i didn't figure it out
24:42well no but
24:44that's okay
24:45we will
24:46or we won't
24:48but at least it'll be on us
24:50hell yeah
24:53i gotta be honest i haven't written anything in like 30 minutes i accidentally dropped my pen in the pond
24:59but i've been thinking
25:06housekeeping
25:06housekeeping
25:15oh my god
25:16why is it
25:17oh wait oh my god
25:19where are my clothes
25:19where are my clothes
25:20i'm sorry
25:21did we have sex
25:22no
25:22why am i naked
25:23oh my god
25:24did kayla and i have sex
25:25who's kayla
25:25my partner
25:26then wouldn't be okay if you had sex
25:28no she's my business partner
25:30this is a work trip
25:31what is going on
25:32did you guys have sex
25:33no
25:34okay well he's naked
25:35you gotta give him privacy
25:36whoa
25:37come on
25:37it's so weird
25:39what was up for this hotel
25:40kayla
25:41what happened last night
25:42well
25:43we convinced bruno to turn himself in after a hit and run
25:46that was crazy
25:47god fuck that's right
25:48and then what
25:49and then the last long island really got you
25:51you could barely walk
25:52it's kind of sweet seeing you so vulnerable like that
25:55then we found out that the hotel has bedbugs
25:56bedbugs
25:57oh oh my god
25:58i know
25:59i i was like bedbugs are real
26:01we freaked out
26:02we burned all our clothes
26:03you burned our clothes
26:04we burned our clothes
26:06you were the one that lit the first match honey
26:08why did you let me sleep here if there are bedbugs
26:10let you
26:11i don't let you do anything
26:12i'm not in charge of anyone's actions but my own
26:15i am really getting it
26:17oh my god
26:18no wonder you were so itchy
26:19of course there were bedbugs
26:20anyways
26:20i got us new clothes at sassafras
26:22what the fuck is sassafras
26:24it's a teen clothing store for girls
26:26it's the only place that was open
26:27but they have some really cute stuff in there
26:29it's also so important for girls in the community to have a place they can go
26:32get cute stuff that doesn't sexualize them
26:35i don't care good for them
26:36you should care i talked to mandy about it
26:37who the fuck is mandy and why are we talking about her
26:39the owner of sassafras
26:40she has a small business owner and you just yelled about her
26:43okay i'm sure she's lovely i just want to get dressed
26:45this is highly inappropriate kayla
26:47here here's your clothes put it on
26:50last time i ever helped you with anything
26:52just kidding
26:54hurry up we're gonna miss the flight
26:55oh my god are you sure we're walking the right way
27:03i think so where the f is it i swear i parked here
27:05we've been walking forever and these stupid sugar floaties are giving me horrible blisters
27:09get over it you look good
27:12oh no it's deborah
27:14i'm gonna have to tell her about bruno
27:16hey
27:16hey
27:17i know you've been working on getting us bruno fox for the diva
27:20but i've changed my mind
27:21oh no why
27:23we're scaling way back
27:25i selflessly have given up on the idea of erecting a giant statue of myself
27:29it's a tragedy jimmy you should have seen the breasts
27:31and we are scrapping the whole idea of a big theater entirely
27:35instead it's going to be a proper comedy club
27:37you know intimate old school you know a place where emerging comics have a chance to hone their voices
27:42i actually think that's really cool
27:43great well i hope you didn't go to any trouble
27:45oh no no trouble at all
27:47okay let's talk soon
27:49bye
27:50well she doesn't want bruno so i guess we got bed bugs for nothing
27:54oh i think that's it
27:55yes
27:56thank god
27:58my car
27:58hey wait wait wait we paid for parking wait
28:02daddy
28:03what the hell
28:04my god have you no dignity cover up
28:07uh i am covered it's a full blouse
28:09i'm talking to jimmy
28:10you look like two hannah montanas
28:12hannah montana was two people you fucking moron
28:14we got bed bugs and we had to go to sassafras
28:16what about the chokers
28:17they complete the look
28:18apparently they complete the look
28:20i'm taking your porsche back kayla
28:22what
28:22you can't take back a 31st birthday gift
28:24you crazy psycho
28:25see i heard what you did
28:26you talked bruno into turning himself in
28:28why didn't you just leverage it
28:30offer to keep his secret if you did your stupid fucking residency
28:33it's about closure for the family
28:35well losing your car is just the beginning kayla
28:38you see our most valuable asset
28:40it's not our money
28:41it is the schaefer family name
28:43and you are sullying it
28:44whatever
28:44who cares
28:45i'm not paying for your bullshit anymore
28:47your trust fund's gone
28:49wait what
28:50and say goodbye to your fancy office
28:52good luck running your pathetic fucking company now
28:55let's go
29:02fuck
29:07madison square garden
29:08please welcome to the stage
29:10deborah
29:11back
29:22hi
29:23thank you back bitch
29:25you honky ass
29:27oh
29:27we want our money back
29:29you're not funny
29:51i'm a dsa member
29:54what's going on you okay
29:56yeah yeah i think so
30:01why do you have a bat
30:02i thought the proletariat was rising up and giving you what you deserved
30:04and i was going to decide what side i was on when i got here
30:06no it was a dream
30:07it was a nightmare
30:09i was on stage
30:10wait i thought we weren't allowed to talk about our dreams
30:11no there's a rule that you're not allowed to talk about your dreams
30:14okay
30:14so there i was
30:15i was at madison square garden
30:16i was on the stage
30:17i looked down
30:18i am completely naked
30:20i i look out in the audience
30:21and everyone
30:22everyone is my sister
30:24and she kind of laughs
30:26and then my teeth started falling out
30:27okay
30:28that's clearly an anxiety dream
30:30you're just stressed about the garden
30:31it's okay
30:31we just need to keep working on the material
30:33i know
30:33your outfit
30:34no i said material
30:35i know
30:36i need to start picking up fabrics
30:37i gotta talk to my stylist
30:38i mean
30:38that's why i was naked
30:39you know
30:40although
30:40i looked incredible
30:43okay
30:43yeah
30:43all right
30:44i'm gonna call my stylist
30:45and put together some looks
30:47all right
30:48good night
30:49oh
30:50jesus christ
30:51okay
30:51do you have any Klonopin up here
30:52my heart is racing like a jackrabbit
30:57incredible
30:59okay
31:00okay
31:04every day
31:05it's getting closer
31:07going faster than a roller coaster
31:10love like yours will surely come my head
31:14oh
31:14fuck
31:16who the fuck
31:19are you on a drive
31:23what the fuck
31:25oh fuck
31:26my boba
31:30oh shit
31:32ow
31:33ow
31:33ow
31:37hello
31:38hey
31:39can you come pick me up
31:40i'm at the urgent care in diamond point
31:41you okay
31:42yeah i'm fine
31:43it's just a hairline fracture
31:44i got hit by one of those self-driving cars
31:47you know we never got to vote on that
31:48they just started showing up
31:49i would have voted no
31:51anyway they um
31:52they asked if i could uh
31:54have someone pick me up
31:55in case i take the lycadon they gave me
31:56which i definitely already did
31:57so
31:58oh honey i can't
31:59i i'm
32:00i'm in miraval in arizona
32:02in fact i'm in a towel
32:03i'm about to step into the sauna
32:05what
32:05yeah we're trying to
32:06poach their spa director for the new casino
32:08so you know damien and i made a quick trip
32:10oh
32:10okay
32:12all right
32:12never mind
32:13hey i could send dj
32:14but just a warning
32:15she might take a while
32:16you know she's only comfortable making right turns
32:17it's okay
32:18it's okay
32:18i'm getting another call i figured out
32:19okay bye
32:21meryl marco
32:22what is up
32:23are you in la
32:24no uh why
32:25i just saw deborah run a red light in beverly hills about two minutes ago and i was hoping maybe
32:29you were here
32:30well uh deborah's not in beverly hills i literally just talked to her she's in arizona
32:34so
32:34that was definitely her blonde beehive hairdo rolls royce with a diva plate
32:39listen uh remember the last time i saw you i loaned you my umbrella would you send it to me
32:42but only dhl i don't know what is going on with the post office at this point and don't get
32:47me started on fedex
32:48copy that no problem i'll send it your way
32:50well it's nice to hear from you
32:51you good
32:51not really
32:52bye
32:55okay
32:56good morning
33:02oh hi
33:04oh how's your arm
33:06that's fine
33:06uh how was miraval
33:08oh
33:09orgasmic
33:10really did you
33:11deborah diana is here
33:12oh good good send her in
33:14you're psychic
33:14no no
33:15i had to bring in the big guns to help me decide what to wear at msg
33:17my stylists were a flopperino
33:19dad
33:21die
33:21oh look at you you look like a million bucks
33:24hey red
33:25thank you so much for coming
33:26we're gonna get you a nice outfit okay
33:28aha the six of cups
33:31we are going into the past deb
33:32vintage
33:33oh i've been thinking new it should be old
33:35oh
33:37i'm getting a vision
33:39here she goes
33:40you're wearing white deb
33:41and you look like an angel
33:44white dress okay
33:44new
33:45slacks
33:46and
33:48sparkles
33:48up the wazoo
33:49oh my god
33:50does it have a white
33:52chiffon beaded top
33:57yes
33:57oh my god
33:58that
33:58that is carol burnett's look from her final show
34:01this is perfect
34:02i mean not only is it a piece of comedy history
34:04i'll be referencing one of my heroes
34:05is it this
34:06yeah that's it
34:10ecco
34:11god no good
34:11so you want me to track it down
34:12no no need
34:13all of carol's looks were designed by bob mackie
34:17shig
34:18call bob m
34:21hello
34:21bobby it's deb
34:22sorry for the cold call
34:24i mean you know how i'm doing the garden later this year
34:26yeah i need a jumpsuit
34:27yep if i do something for you
34:29i gotta do something for share
34:30then the next thing you know
34:31sabrina carpenter is outside my door
34:33with a sewing machine and a gun
34:35i don't need a new design
34:36do you remember carol's white look from her final episode
34:39of course
34:39i i had it for years
34:41but i donated it to a charity auction
34:43do you remember who won it
34:44it was actually one of your fellow stand-up comics
34:46but i shouldn't say who
34:48rosie o'donnell
34:48no
34:49rita rudner
34:49no
34:50kelly kilpatrick
34:51mm
34:51i couldn't say
34:52oh yeah i heard
34:55kelly fucking kilpatrick
34:57that stupid bitch hates me
34:59i've never known why
35:00um
35:00you were pretty mean to her after she came out of the vmas
35:03i believe the exact quote was
35:05she should go back into the closet and pick something else
35:09okay fine
35:10just you know it's probably where the weird energy started
35:13we'll just have to win her over
35:15damien
35:16book my apology booth at spago's
35:18oh by the way
35:19i had a client who paid me in salami
35:21do you guys want some
35:23i think it's pretty good
35:24smells good
35:31hey
35:31should we have mimosas and be bad
35:35what do you want deb
35:35i just wanted to clear the air
35:38from when you called my daytime show oprah for racists
35:40i didn't say that
35:42oh you did
35:43you also said kelly's show is like if the l word stood for lame
35:46well what i should have said was
35:48you're like if the l word stood for lovely
35:51uh-huh
35:53so
35:54you're doing the garden
35:56hope they have enough wheelchair ramps for your fans
35:59or just cut out the millman live streaming directly into hospices
36:03oh kelly you
36:06you
36:06you still got it
36:10deborah
36:11so sorry to interrupt
36:12i'm a huge fan
36:13uh
36:13but someone
36:14left their phone in the car again
36:16i thought it was in my bag
36:18sorry kelly this is ava ava kelly
36:20hi nice to meet you
36:21i'm sure you get this all the time
36:22but when you guys started as lieutenant lavandra pax on star trek the next generation
36:25it was like the first time i actually saw myself on screen
36:27well that's not the first time i've heard that
36:30but i i thank you
36:32oh my god deborah is that coffee
36:33it's decaf
36:34is it
36:34no
36:36you know if you have caffeine this late you won't sleep and if you don't sleep i don't sleep
36:40she has been having the worst nightmares and then i wake up and i can't get back to sleep
36:43and i get the night sweats anyway but i've never been able to sleep completely nude
36:46because you know pajama pants give me really bad rash
36:49honey honey
36:50we're about to eat
36:51sorry
36:52really nice to meet you
37:01what
37:02i should have known
37:04i am so sorry
37:06that's okay
37:07for
37:08for
37:09no wonder you've been so bitter and frustrated and jealous all these years
37:14it is so obvious
37:15what's so obvious
37:16that you're gay
37:23okay
37:23oh deborah i'm so sorry
37:25that i didn't realize sooner
37:26and you know what
37:27that's on me
37:28because it must have been so hard for you watching me live my truth out and proud
37:32but look if you don't want to talk about it here i get it
37:36right
37:37hey
37:37what are you doing this weekend
37:39i i i don't know
37:40um
37:40why
37:41well why don't you come up to our place in montecito for the weekend and we'll catch up
37:45huh we'll really talk
37:46and bring your girlfriend she is adorable
37:51oh
37:53we're there
37:54haha
37:55hey let's get those mimosas
37:57yeah
37:57i need one
38:00by the way who to wife
38:01um her name is monica
38:03she's younger
38:04uh you'd think she was a gold digger but now apparently she has family money
38:08hey
38:09wonder bread
38:10oh
38:10cha-ching
38:22is that damien again
38:23yeah
38:25okay i'm not trying to be annoying but i feel like you're hiding something from me
38:28i don't know what you're talking about you're being paranoid
38:31okay well meryl marco said she saw you in beverly hills when you told me you were at mirrorball
38:35so
38:36well meryl was confused
38:38and i'm not being dishonest
38:40okay
38:41oh by the way kelly kilpatrick thinks i'm gay and you're my secret wife so we have to spend
38:44the weekend pretending to be lesbian lovers so i can get that carol burnett jumpsuit
38:47what
38:48welcome girls who's ready for a naughty little weekend
38:52me
38:52come
38:55and this is the living room
38:57oh
38:58wow kelly this is
38:59absolutely beautiful
39:00it's stunning
39:01yeah thanks
39:02hi
39:03hi
39:03oh gosh
39:05hi
39:06hi
39:06welcome lovebirds
39:08we're so excited to have you girls staying with us
39:12deb
39:12eva
39:13this is my muse
39:14my treasure
39:15and thanks to the ontario government since 2013
39:182013
39:18my wife
39:21deborah
39:22come here
39:23oh
39:24deborah
39:25merci
39:26cashier it's so nice
39:28and you must be ava
39:31guilty
39:31hi
39:32wow you smell so good
39:34and uh beautiful posture
39:36oh
39:37thank you
39:38once a ballerina always a ballerina
39:40darren aronofsky dedicated black salon to me
39:42that was messy
39:46well uh let me let me show you to your room
39:48this way
39:49okay
39:50i know it's a hike but it's worth it
39:52i'm sure
39:54the cream room
39:55it's lovely
39:56well good you enjoy yourselves girls
39:58thanks
39:58and if you need anything just holler
40:00thank you
40:01absolutely
40:03mhm
40:04deborah this is fucking insane
40:06i'm not pretending to be a lesbian couple with you
40:08i need that jumpsuit please it means a lot to me
40:11i guess it wouldn't be too bad to spend some time with the wife
40:13call me chandler because i'm gonna fuck monica
40:16you're my girlfriend
40:18do not flirt with her and blow up my spot
40:20you and i are in a committed loving relationship
40:23you're sleeping in the tub
40:24i am not sleeping in the tub
40:25okay
40:26you know what if you want me to do this
40:27you gotta give me a thousand dollars
40:30yeah
40:33fuck i should have added more
40:38sorry
40:39forgot to say negroni's at six
40:41ah
40:42thank you
40:48give me an extra five hundred
40:51get in the tub
40:55oh it's so nice having drinkers over
40:57nobody really parties anymore
40:59it's true
41:00it's true
41:01it's so sad
41:02and we celebrate our friend's sobriety
41:04but we also mourn it
41:07oh
41:08well
41:08you poor thing
41:10what happened
41:11sports injury
41:13i love jocks
41:14uh
41:14she dated dean kane at princeton
41:16well this one was daydreaming
41:17and got hit by one of those self-driving cars
41:19oh no
41:20i was looking for a girl
41:22whose looks stopped traffic
41:23instead i got one that gets plowed over by it
41:26i have to forgive deborah
41:27she's always a little grumpy
41:28when this hand is out of commission
41:30oh
41:32well you know
41:33if you need help with
41:35anything this weekend
41:37yeah i can think of a few things
41:39ava
41:39watch out dev monica likes redheads
41:41did you know that uh redheads actually need more anesthesia during this week
41:45kelly
41:45that blazer is fabulous
41:47is it vintage
41:48yeah
41:48you know murph griffin actually used to own this
41:51i had it tailored of course
41:52but i i think it's got a kicky vibe
41:54kelly has a whole walk-in for her vintage hollywood collection
41:57really i would love a tour
41:59well maybe we'll do that after dinner
42:01but how did you two meet
42:02oh that's a boring story
42:04i disagree my love
42:06i'll tell it
42:07so we were actually set up by our mutual friend jimmy
42:09who just knew we would hit it off
42:11and we actually met for the first time at deborah's house
42:13because obviously we needed to keep it very hush-hush
42:15very discreet
42:16and uh yeah she hated me
42:19doc martens
42:20no makeup
42:20always talking about transit and public housing
42:22and uh you know we just kind of went back and forth
42:25back and forth
42:26the connection was undeniable
42:27but i think our spark is in our fighting that would be bigger
42:31it comes into play in the bedroom a lot too as well
42:33isn't that right dev
42:34anyway we were fighting like dogs
42:37and i just left
42:38i up and left
42:39and uh she came chasing after me
42:41i was halfway down her driveway in my car
42:43and she cut me off on her rolls royce
42:45and insisted that i stay
42:46and so i did
42:47i mean how could i refuse
42:48oh hi
42:49we've been together ever since
42:51doesn't it just feel like yesterday deb
42:53yeah sweetie
42:54sometimes it feels like a hundred years
42:56oh
42:59give me a kiss baby
43:10someone's shy
43:10oh come on
43:12come on
43:13you weren't so shy on the car ride up
43:16come on
43:17come on
43:31oh
43:32i love it
43:35we're really happy
43:46what are you doing in here
43:48just uh i was just looking for a bathroom
43:50uh there is an ensuite in your bedroom
43:54yeah i just you know
43:55want to keep the spark alive
43:57wow
44:02i couldn't imagine the spark ever going out with you
44:08you know
44:10kelly and i um
44:13we're open
44:14it's been a powerful information
44:16are you and deborah
44:18are me and deborah in an open relationship
44:20we are not
44:22we are not
44:23i have to say no
44:24i have to say no
44:27but that pause
44:30it tells me you want to be
44:32i will say that i'm attracted to other women
44:35i like that
44:37but let's circle back on that
44:40do you want to see our chicken coop
44:42is that a euphemism
44:43no it's a real coop
44:45oh sure yeah i would love to
44:46yeah
44:48come on
44:54oh my god
44:55kelly this is
44:56this is incredible
44:57it's it's like a life's work
44:59i know
45:00debbie reynolds almost outbid me on the vitamita vegman dress
45:03but i am vicious with a pedal
45:04oh what is this little white number
45:07it doesn't doesn't look familiar
45:08it's from carol's last show
45:10of course
45:11yeah
45:11it's cute
45:12i mean i i would take it off your hands
45:14you know if you wanted to sell it
45:15yeah right
45:16and the really undervalued piece
45:17is bett midler's dress
45:19from carson's last show
45:20i know you're going to want to see that
45:21no i mean sure yeah
45:23but this little white number
45:24come on deb
45:25keep up
45:26a lot more to see
45:29hey damien
45:30how are you
45:31is it an emergency
45:31you've called me like 10 times
45:33no no emergency
45:34i was just wondering um
45:35yeah how did the trip to mirror evolved to ever go
45:37we haven't gone yet
45:38that's next week
45:39so she wasn't there last tuesday
45:41she is lying to me
45:42god i thought we were past this
45:43okay i refuse to get involved in whatever this is
45:45by the way where are you guys
45:46we're in uh montecito at kelly kilpatrick's mansion
45:49we're pretending to be a couple
45:50so we can swindle her out of an old jumpsuit
45:51it's actually really gorgeous out here
45:52i mean
45:54damien
45:55he's gone
46:00you think chapstick lesbian is butcher than soft butch
46:03yes
46:03oh god these kids they love their little categories
46:05i mean back in our day
46:06it was just butcher femme
46:07or big lesbos
46:10i'm kidding i'm sorry
46:11i mean labels are stupid
46:13unless of course it's poochie
46:16thank you so much
46:17oh no she's had enough
46:18oh have i here
46:19i think i'm fine thank you
46:20oh kelly showed me her collection
46:22she has this gorgeous jumpsuit that carol wore
46:24i think we're about the same size
46:26oh let's not talk about that collection
46:27she's always talking about that collection
46:29let's talk about something fun
46:31i don't know
46:33deborah
46:34do you strap
46:36um strap
46:37oh leave my pillow princess alone
46:39no
46:40oh really
46:41yeah
46:41really
46:42deb
46:43interesting
46:44i'm particular about my pillows yes
46:46i'm a cortina soft down kind of girl
46:50what
46:52she's joking
46:53obviously deborah knows that a pillow princess is someone who only likes to receive pleasure during sex
46:57that is not true
46:58no no i do plenty in bed
46:59oh
47:00you know lesbionically
47:02no this is the lazy one
47:03oh yeah i'm the lazy one
47:04no you're right
47:05she does love eating my ass
47:07oh i'm always looking behind me going
47:08quit chilling now
47:10it ain't groceries
47:12tell me more
47:13oh yeah we've been doing shibari that's rope play so she'll kind of tie me up hang me from the
47:17damn
47:17ceiling like a chandelier
47:18we know sia
47:20there's a voice i'm always
47:25coming through
47:34come dance it week
47:40look at our girls
47:44deborah
47:45come on
47:47come and dance with me
47:48come on deborah
47:49oh my god she's limber
47:52you'll be a good little kitty cat
47:54come on down
47:54oh okay
47:55oh okay
47:56okay okay okay okay okay
47:59okay okay
48:04i'll be a good girl
48:07i'll be a good girl
48:09i'll be a good girl
48:09so i can't do it all because i have a good girl
48:17and i can't do it all because i can't do it all because i don't know if you're not going
48:20to be a good girl
48:34Come on, Deb.
48:36We're all dykes here.
48:49Oh, the stars are gorgeous tonight.
48:53Breathtaking, isn't it?
48:55It really is.
49:02Deb, I've been impressed with you.
49:04Your special, the free speech crusade you got going standing up against Bob Lipko.
49:09Now, you really grew up here.
49:12And when I read you spend a night in jail, I did a spit take.
49:14Oh, yeah. How was jail?
49:17You know, I was a lesbian. It wasn't so bad.
49:21A lot of tough ladies working out all day long.
49:23When I was there, I thought, oh, I'm gonna save this for the old spank bank.
49:30So, what's everybody's first celebrity crush?
49:33Mine? Lola Bunny from Space Jam.
49:35I was beating my meat hard to that girl every night.
49:40Good night.
49:42What the hell is wrong with you?
49:43Excuse me?
49:44You have been way out of line all night.
49:46What? You should be thanking me. I was saving your straight ass.
49:49Don't you dare bring up ASS after you said I eat it!
49:52You will not turn this around on me.
49:53You brought me here under false pretenses, which isn't surprising, because I know you were lying.
49:56I have confirmation that you were in Beverly Hills last week.
49:59What, are you tracking me?
50:00I actually wasn't, but that's not the point.
50:02I thought we were finally being honest with each other.
50:04Well, we're clearly not, since you're secretly spying on my whereabouts.
50:07Okay, fine. Whatever. I'm going straight to tub.
50:09Good, fine. Sleep tight.
50:14Fuck it.
50:26Oh, sorry.
50:27I love a midnight snack.
50:29I'm going to have these amazing strawberries and creme fraiche. Do you want one?
50:33Uh-huh.
50:34Oh, good.
50:42Open up.
50:46Hmm.
50:50Kelly and I just got in a fight.
50:51Same with me and Debra.
50:52It's so hard to be with these dominant women who always get their way.
50:57Tell me about it.
50:59Wow, look at us.
51:03Two trophy wives.
51:07Do you ever wonder if late at night, when they're all alone on the shelf, those trophies get to playing
51:16with each other?
51:18Like Toy Story?
51:21Exactly like Toy Story.
51:26Oh.
51:31I was just getting, uh, water.
51:37Good night.
51:47How dare you cheat on me!
51:48I am not cheating on you, because we are not in a relationship. It's a lie, which is your specialty!
51:53Well, if you fuck that nympho trophy wife and Kelly finds out, I won't ever get that chimp soup!
51:56That's not true, because Kelly and Monica are open!
51:59Well, we are monogamous!
52:01What?!
52:01That's what works for me!
52:04Is everything alright in here?
52:06Oh, everything's fine.
52:07Ava?
52:08Ava?
52:10Are you okay?
52:13You know, when you're in a relationship with an older, more powerful woman, it's hard to find your voice.
52:18She is my voice!
52:19Deborah, calm down.
52:21Ava, sweetheart, how'd you really break your arm?
52:23A driverless car with no witnesses?
52:25It seems convenient.
52:26Oh, my God!
52:27I never hit her!
52:28Well, I did it this time!
52:30I'm just gonna say it because I don't think Ava feels safe saying it.
52:34But, Deborah, Ava wants to be ethically non-monogamous with you.
52:37No, she doesn't.
52:38Well, yes I do, but that's not what this is about.
52:40Alright, so, Ava, what is this about?
52:42Well, I'm upset because Deborah is clearly keeping something from me, and it hurts my feelings that she cannot be
52:48honest with me.
52:48Yeah, well, everything hurts your feelings.
52:50Yeah, hurtful things hurt my feelings, Deborah. Sue me!
52:52I have!
52:53Okay!
52:54Okay.
52:55Monica and I have done a lot of couples, and right now you two are in the red zone.
52:58So let's all take a breath, let's get some sleep, and maybe revisit this when your nervous systems have regulated.
53:03Okay?
53:04Sure.
53:06Sorry.
53:07Okay.
53:07Ava.
53:09Good night.
53:29I hate when we go to bed angry.
53:37Good morning.
53:38Hi.
53:40You a coffee person?
53:42Yeah, yeah.
53:42Please help yourself.
53:43Oh, I'm sorry.
53:44Oh, you got it.
53:46How'd you sleep?
53:48Uh, not so well.
53:51Sorry about last night.
53:53Mind if I'm candid?
53:54Please.
53:56Well, it seems to me that Deborah has probably betrayed you in the past, and maybe the truth is that
54:03you're just not fully over it.
54:06And I think that maybe you might be trying to heal that betrayal by oversharing incredibly intimate graphic details about
54:17your relationship and demanding to know everything about Deborah's life.
54:22Yeah, you might be right.
54:25Well, sometimes oversharing is a means of forcing intimacy because you're afraid the other person will withhold it from you.
54:32Yeah, I mean, I guess I do share too much.
54:35I don't know.
54:36I just wish that she wouldn't keep so many walls up after all this time.
54:40The people we love oftentimes are fundamentally different than us.
54:44And for someone like Deborah, lighting our guard down, that gives her the opposite feeling of safety.
54:52They're just different strokes, you know?
54:54Yeah.
54:56That makes a lot of sense.
55:00And once you accept this about her, you're both gonna have much deeper, much more intense orgasms together.
55:08Hope so.
55:11Here's to it.
55:13Thanks, Kelly.
55:15Anytime, babe.
55:19Hi.
55:21Hi.
55:23Coffee?
55:24Thanks.
55:32So listen, I wasn't fully honest with you.
55:35No, no, I shouldn't expect you to share every aspect of your life with me.
55:38I'm sorry I pushed.
55:39No, no, it's okay.
55:40It's okay.
55:41You were right.
55:42I wasn't at Miraval.
55:44I was in Beverly Hills.
55:48Having a medical procedure.
55:49They found a mass and I had it removed.
55:51Oh, my God.
55:52No, no, I'm fine.
55:53My mom did the exact same thing.
55:54She had a kidney removed and she didn't tell me.
55:56Why do people do that?
55:57Because of reactions like this.
55:59Trust me, I'm fine.
56:02But I knew you'd worry.
56:03So, look, here's the...
56:05Here's the doctor's email.
56:09This is your white blood cell count now?
56:10Yes, totally in normal range.
56:12Cholesterol's a little high.
56:13So is everybody's.
56:14Trust me, I'm fine.
56:16Are you sure?
56:17Yes.
56:20Okay, well, thanks for telling me.
56:21I just don't like talking about everything all the time like you do.
56:28Yeah, well, I should probably keep some things to myself.
56:31And I should probably be more forthcoming.
56:35Starting with telling Monica and Kelly the truth.
56:39So we're breaking up?
56:41Yeah.
56:42Well, I hope we can still be friends and live together and work together and have complicated intermingled lives.
56:58Hey.
56:59Hi.
56:59Good morning.
57:00Good morning.
57:00Good morning.
57:01Good morning.
57:02Hi.
57:03Uh...
57:04It's, uh...
57:05I need to come clean with you two.
57:07Oh.
57:07Oh, well, of course.
57:08We're open to, you know, whatever you have to say.
57:12Of course.
57:12The truth is...
57:14I'm not a lesbian.
57:16I've been lying this whole time.
57:17To endear myself to Kelly so that I could talk her into...
57:21Parting with the Carol Burnett jumpsuit.
57:24Just so that I could wear it when I play the garden.
57:30Because my psychic told me I had to.
57:33Oh, my God.
57:35Wow.
57:35Anyway, I am so sorry I lied.
57:38Wow.
57:39I respect your culture.
57:42Deb, after a full weekend of watching you and Ava, I think it is pretty obvious that you're in a
57:47relationship.
57:48It's just so sad that you cannot live your full truth.
57:52Let's get at least one thing out of the closet this weekend.
57:54You can have the fucking jumpsuit.
57:56Oh.
57:56But I'm not gonna play this game with you.
57:58Follow me upstairs to the closet.
58:01Get it and out.
58:02Yes, ma'am.
58:02Ms.
58:05So sad.
58:09Oh, it makes me feel sick.
58:16You know, we had a lovely time.
58:18And now that you know that I'm not in a relationship, my email is MrAvaDaniels at gmail.com.
58:23Out!
58:24I'm sorry.
58:25Oh!
58:28God, you're tragic.
58:30At the end of the day, I'm rooting for him.
58:33My hopeless romantic.
58:35I love you.
58:39Honey, let's adopt another disabled dog.
58:42Oh, baby.
58:43You know, there's pads everywhere and you gotta put the things on the back.
58:46I know, I'm gonna put a pad on you.
58:47No, don't do that.
58:48You know I hate my putting that.
58:49Quit it, quit it.
58:50Well, that was easy.
58:52That was completely insane.
58:57You know, regardless of you being straight, we would never work as a couple.
59:00Oh, absolutely not.
59:02I'm out of your league.
59:08Hey, guess what?
59:09What?
59:12I stole their fancy cookies.
59:14Those are fancy.
59:16Those are Tates.
59:16They sell them everywhere.
59:17What are you talking about?
59:19They taste fancy.
59:20That's just because they're thin.
59:21That's what makes them fancy.
59:22Oh, come on.
59:23You're getting crumbs everywhere.
59:24These are so good.
59:25But they need milk.
59:26Can we stop the milk?
59:27What are you, nine?
59:28So, um, should I tell Damien and Josefina that we hooked up?
59:31Or do you want-
59:31What?
59:32We did not hook up.
59:33That broke his phone.
59:35Jesus.
59:35Jesus.
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