- 17 hours ago
Kevin Nealon Loose in the Crotch
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TVTranscript
00:04Well, this is what I look like.
00:07Um, but so anyway, get this, and then I gotta wrap it up.
00:15I wanna take more risks in life, you know what I mean?
00:17I'm sick and tired of playing it safe.
00:20Not crazy risk, I'm not gonna skydive, you know, or take a carnival cruise.
00:24You know what I'm saying?
00:25Oh, not crazy.
00:28By the way, did you read about this skydiver a couple years ago?
00:32This guy was insane.
00:33He broke the world's record.
00:35He went up to the Earth's atmosphere in a hot air balloon.
00:3724 miles up in the sky, and he jumped out of the hot air balloon with just a parachute on.
00:42Free fell for almost 24 miles before he pulled his cord.
00:45Insane.
00:46This guy broke the sound barrier by himself.
00:48He was falling faster than the speed of sound.
00:50This guy was falling faster than the speed of sound.
00:53And it's a good thing his shoe opened up.
00:55Otherwise, that would have been a big mess to clean up.
00:58Can you imagine?
00:59They would be cleaning him up, and then they would hear,
01:02Shhh!
01:19Take a break.
01:20We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen.
01:27I've got to be honest with you.
01:28I think it's going great.
01:30We're starting off well.
01:31You know what I mean?
01:31It's a good vibe, a good energy.
01:34But I think it's going good.
01:36And just keep that pace up.
01:37And we're back, ladies and gentlemen.
01:38If you just joined us, man, we are having a good time tonight.
01:43Oh, my God.
01:44This crowd, you guys are the best.
01:46Seriously.
01:49How's it going up here in the front row?
01:50Why would anybody sit in the front row at a comedy club?
01:53I have no idea.
01:54It's like you're asking for it, you know?
01:56You know, luckily, I'm not a tack dog.
01:58I'm not one of these people that goes after you and, you know, embarrasses you or anything.
02:01What's your name?
02:08What's your name?
02:09Ah.
02:11Don't you hate it when the server brings your coffee to you with one finger in there?
02:14There you go, honey.
02:14Honey, come back with your order in a minute.
02:18Or three fingers.
02:18There you go, honey.
02:19I'll be right back with your order.
02:21Or they do that washing machine thing.
02:23There you go, honey.
02:23I'll be right back.
02:24I'll be right back.
02:26Want me to warm that up for you?
02:27Let me warm that up for you right there.
02:28There you go, honey.
02:29There it is.
02:30There you go.
02:31There you go.
02:33People drink coffee sometimes because they're not morning people.
02:37I can't talk to you yet.
02:38I haven't had my coffee yet.
02:39I'm not a morning person.
02:40I think they're not afternoon people either.
02:42You know what I mean?
02:43When can we talk to you?
02:44When is that window?
02:45Like after your morning coffee and before your evening cocktail?
02:48When can we do that?
02:51Now, I stopped going to Starbucks.
02:53And I'll tell you why.
02:55Rip off.
02:57Five dollars for tall coffee.
02:59Excuse me?
02:59Five dollars for tall coffee, which is really a small coffee.
03:02But they call it a tall coffee because they figure psychologically you won't mind spending five bucks on a tall
03:08coffee.
03:08But I know what's going on.
03:09It's a small coffee.
03:11So I ordered a tall coffee.
03:12I gave him a dollar.
03:14The guy goes, it's five dollars, sir.
03:16I said, well, I call that dollar five dollars.
03:21That's my tall dollar.
03:23That's my tall dollar.
03:25He goes, you want me to leave room for cream in your coffee?
03:26No, not for five dollars.
03:27Fill it up for the room, pal.
03:29Put the cream in my mouth.
03:30It makes money to get home.
03:34It's not that I'm cheap.
03:35I just don't like to get ripped off.
03:36You know what I mean?
03:37And I like a deal.
03:38Who doesn't like a deal?
03:39Do you know where I get my eyes?
03:41End of the day, I go down to the fish market.
03:43It's free.
03:44No, it's free.
03:45It's totally free.
03:46Take what you need.
03:46Don't get greedy.
03:47Don't get greedy.
03:50I got something that has changed my life.
03:52It has changed my life.
03:53I used to think it was a gadget.
03:55It's called a Toto heated toilet seat.
03:57Are you familiar with these?
03:59Are you?
04:00Do you have one?
04:01You have one?
04:03Let's talk Toto for a while.
04:05Did you get yours new?
04:08You did?
04:11Aren't they great?
04:13I'm on it all the time.
04:14You can't get me off of that thing.
04:15I'm surprised I'm here tonight, to be honest with you.
04:18Oh, I love that thing.
04:21And it's so warm.
04:23It heats our whole house.
04:24It's just so cozy.
04:26You know what I mean?
04:27And it's got that spray, right?
04:29Coming up from the bottom.
04:30What's your name?
04:31Diane.
04:33Let's talk about that spray for a minute.
04:35Coming right up.
04:36Bullseye every time.
04:37Every time, Diane.
04:39You love it.
04:40Yeah.
04:42Ours has three different settings.
04:44All pretty intense.
04:46All pretty intense.
04:47The most gentle, the one I use, fire hydrant.
04:51That puts out the fire.
04:53Sure.
04:53Sure.
04:54The second setting, colonoscopy.
04:59No, thank you.
05:00No, thank you.
05:02The top setting, fracking.
05:06No, thank you.
05:07Our water bill has gone up $500 a month.
05:10You could power wash your house with that thing.
05:14And it's got the blow dryer.
05:16Diane, you got the blow dryer in yours?
05:17Oh, yeah.
05:18I was going to say, your hair looks really full and shiny tonight.
05:22Good looking hair.
05:24Remote control?
05:26Why not?
05:26But for what?
05:28Why do you need that?
05:29It's all right here.
05:30And then I realized what it's for.
05:32It's to prank your friends the first time they come over.
05:36They don't know you got the spray coming up from underneath.
05:40So what I do is, I get that remote.
05:44I wait around the corner.
05:46I give them like 30 seconds to settle in.
05:50And then, I frack them.
05:55I hear a loud scream in there.
05:57And then it's quiet for like a half an hour.
06:00And then I get a little nervous.
06:03So I frack them again.
06:06If I ever move from that house, I'm taking that remote with me.
06:08And occasionally, I will drive by that house just to see if somebody's home.
06:13But that is not a gadget, is it?
06:17I'll tell you what a gadget is.
06:18This thing, I don't know why people buy this thing.
06:20Those little round vacuum cleaners.
06:21You know, the Roomba, I think it's a Roomba.
06:24These things are more of a cat toy than anything else.
06:27They don't even work.
06:28I don't think they work.
06:29We left our front door open.
06:30It went out.
06:30Our front door was gone for four days.
06:32We were worried sick about that Roomba.
06:35And then I'm driving home one night.
06:37I'm at a stoplight.
06:38It's crossing in front of me on the crosswalk, delivering food.
06:44I don't like those automatic flush toilets.
06:46It doesn't give you a chance to inspect your work.
06:51Turn around.
06:52It's gone.
06:53What?
06:54How do you know you don't have tapeworm or blood in your stool?
06:57Where's my cell phone?
07:00You know what I mean?
07:00You make the slightest little move sometimes and it flushes prematurely.
07:03Right?
07:04Like you bend over, just get a little bite of a tuna sandwich or something.
07:08Where's my tuna sandwich?
07:09It's gone.
07:11But I guess people forget to flush.
07:13So the city finally goes, okay, enough.
07:14We're ready.
07:14We're putting in the automatic flush toilets.
07:16Yeah, I get it.
07:18I forget too.
07:19Get this.
07:21I go to Chicago.
07:22I forgot my laptop on the plane.
07:24I was furious.
07:25You know how I get it.
07:26Oh.
07:28I remember walking away from the gate.
07:30I even heard the announcement.
07:31If someone has left a valuable item on the plane, please come back and claim it.
07:35And I remember at the time thinking, how can people be that stupid?
07:40It was my laptop.
07:42You know who was on my flight, by the way?
07:43Jon Hamm.
07:45The actor Jon Hamm.
07:46I was going to say hi to him, but then I thought, eh, I don't want to go back and
07:50coach.
07:50You know what I mean?
07:53That's not really for me back there.
07:55That's not for me.
07:58I like to entertain myself.
08:00I don't know about you.
08:01Obviously not.
08:03I like to go to a dinner party.
08:05You got a minute?
08:06Okay.
08:07I like to go to a dinner party if I'm invited.
08:11And halfway through, I like to excuse myself and come back ten minutes later.
08:15And loud enough for the guests to hear, I go to the host.
08:20Hey, do you guys have a plunger?
08:25And a mop.
08:26And a mop.
08:28And some duct tape.
08:30Some duct tape.
08:32So listen to this.
08:33Oh, my God.
08:33I forgot to tell you this.
08:35I totally forgot this.
08:37I was going to come out and tell you this right off the bat.
08:40I'm so angry tonight.
08:44Get this.
08:45And then I got to go.
08:48I took an Uber.
08:49Shut up.
08:50I took an Uber last night.
08:53And the guy was Latino.
08:54I can't speak Latino.
08:56I took four years of Latino in high school, so I can't speak Latino.
09:00And this guy, I'm trying to communicate with him.
09:02I can't.
09:03And I'll find out at the end he's from Armenia.
09:05Okay?
09:06And the guy is texting and driving the entire way.
09:09It made me livid.
09:10You know how I get.
09:11Oh.
09:13It's illegal.
09:15It's dangerous.
09:15And I didn't say anything to him because I hate confrontation.
09:17I swear to God.
09:19I avoid it at all costs.
09:21I really do.
09:21But I texted him from the back seat.
09:23I said, you better stop texting and driving right now.
09:26Five poop emojis.
09:29I laid into him.
09:31And then a smiley face emoji.
09:33Because I'm a people pleaser when it comes down to it.
09:35You know that.
09:35You know that.
09:36And it's not easy being a people pleaser.
09:38I feel badly when I disappoint people.
09:41You'll see.
09:43You'll see.
09:47But yeah, he didn't answer my text.
09:49I texted him back.
09:49I said, hey, did you get my text?
09:51And I said, are you mad at me?
09:53Do you hate me?
09:54It's hard being a people pleaser.
09:57But the texting and driving thing.
09:59Here's the problem.
10:00People do die from that.
10:02I do it because I'm a good driver.
10:03I'll be honest with you.
10:05But other people shouldn't do that.
10:07My peripheral vision is astounding.
10:08Am I right, the guy in the chair over here?
10:10Right there.
10:10I wasn't even looking.
10:11You didn't see me look over there.
10:12I was like, wow, right there from the peripheral zone.
10:15My peripheral zone is like, let me show you where it is.
10:18I'll show you where it ends.
10:19Still there.
10:20Still there.
10:21Still there.
10:22Not moving at all.
10:23That's what I do.
10:25That's how I do it.
10:26Sometimes I'll be texting and driving.
10:28I'll look up.
10:29I'm in a different city.
10:30How did that happen?
10:31I don't know.
10:32I wasn't paying attention.
10:33I wasn't paying attention.
10:36But what is going on with emojis?
10:38Isn't that enough already?
10:39Can people remember how to write and get their point across?
10:42Right?
10:44I mean, people don't, you know, hey, I had a good time with Josh yesterday.
10:47Happy face emoji.
10:48Oh, thank you for adding that on.
10:50I wasn't sure what you were talking about before that.
10:52People don't do that in regular conversation, right?
10:55I had a really good time with Josh yesterday.
11:00I had a really good time with Josh.
11:00But your sister's crazy.
11:03Do you see what she did yesterday?
11:06So angry at her.
11:09But you know what?
11:10I've been driving like over 50 years, and I've never been in one accident.
11:13Not one accident.
11:15I was in one accident, but it didn't go on my record.
11:18Why?
11:19Hit and run.
11:22Why would you want to hang around for bad news?
11:24That's all I'm saying.
11:26Take a break.
11:30And we're back, ladies and gentlemen.
11:31If you just joined us, we are here at the beautiful Irvine Stadium.
11:35And what a crowd.
11:367,000, 8,000 people.
11:38I'm not quite sure.
11:43So get this.
11:45I go to CVS Pharmacy last night.
11:47It's about 8 o'clock.
11:48Totally empty.
11:49All the lights are on.
11:51Nobody's in there except for me.
11:52I'm like, what is this, a prank or something?
11:54You know?
11:54I only needed a few items.
11:55A couple rolls of paper towels and duct tape.
11:59And I find it.
12:01I go to the cash register.
12:02There's no cashiers up there.
12:04It's just self-checkout lane.
12:06When did we start working at CVS Pharmacy?
12:08You know what I mean?
12:08They're going to have a stock of shelves pretty soon.
12:11Giving out flu shots.
12:12We're not qualified to do that.
12:13I don't remember filling in an application.
12:15Do you?
12:16Or an interview?
12:17I don't.
12:19And so I self-checkout.
12:21I check those items out.
12:22And then they ask me if I want any bags.
12:24I go, no.
12:25But I take 10 bags.
12:26Because that's what they owe me for all the work I just completed.
12:29And a cherry swizzle and a National Enquirer I took, too.
12:33And then I remembered I forgot toothpaste.
12:36So now I've got to go find the toothpaste aisle.
12:38I can't find it anywhere.
12:40This guy comes in from outside.
12:43This customer.
12:44He comes up to me.
12:44He goes, do you work here?
12:46I said, yes.
12:47Apparently so.
12:50He said, what time do you guys close?
12:51I said, I guess when I leave.
12:55He said, are you guys hiring?
12:56I said, yeah.
12:57You're hired.
12:57Tell me where the toothpaste is.
12:58Where do you keep the toothpaste?
13:02I said, yeah.
13:07I said, yeah.
13:08And there's no other employee around with a key.
13:10I'm the only one working last night.
13:13And I don't have a key.
13:16So I pick the lock with a toothpick.
13:18I take out my toothpaste.
13:20I'm out of there.
13:21But now here's my big concern.
13:22Was I supposed to show up to work tonight?
13:26I thought, yes.
13:27So I did show up to work tonight.
13:29I'm actually on my break right now.
13:31And I got to go soon.
13:35But do you see what's happening?
13:36We are being duped into working for these former employees at this company.
13:40We're not getting paid.
13:42You go to these burger joints now.
13:43It's the same thing.
13:44Build your own burger.
13:45No, you build my burger.
13:46I just built an omelet down at the cafe this morning.
13:49You build it.
13:49I don't have a permit to build food.
13:52I'll go to a key if I want to work and build something.
13:55And you go to these concerts.
13:56At the concerts.
13:57You know, the bands make you work.
13:59You know, you got...
14:05No, guys, we're not in the band.
14:06We're not in the band.
14:07You didn't see us at the sound check earlier today, did you?
14:10No, we're not going to be in the tour bus later,
14:12snoring a coke off the toilet seat.
14:13No, it's not us.
14:15The worst one.
14:16Oh, my God.
14:17Amber Alert.
14:18No, we're not going to help you find some kid.
14:19That's your idea.
14:21You be the hero.
14:21We didn't sign up for that.
14:23I don't even know this kid you're talking about.
14:25I got stuff at my house I can't find.
14:26I don't call you.
14:27Hey, man, I can't find my car keys.
14:29The last time I saw them, they were on the counter.
14:30No, no, thank you.
14:32And they never tell you when they find the kid.
14:35I've been looking for a Jennifer for the last 20 years.
14:40This is very difficult for me tonight
14:43because this is the anniversary of the passing of my cat, Pierre.
14:49And let me just tell you something.
14:50I'm not a cat person.
14:51I'm not a cat person.
14:53I don't like cats.
14:54I'm happy for them, you know?
14:55But I had Pierre 27 years ago, my cat, and he was the best cat ever.
15:01I mean, he was so loving and gentle.
15:05And I had a pair of jeans that I loved.
15:07Oh, my God, I love these jeans.
15:09You know how you get a pair of jeans once in your life,
15:11and they'll get the perfect fit?
15:13It was like, you know, snug on the hips,
15:15tight in the butt, loose in the crotch.
15:17Most of the time.
15:18Most of the time.
15:20And he loved, he loved those jeans.
15:23Anytime I had them on, he would jump up on my lap.
15:25He would not get off.
15:26He just loved them so much.
15:27So when he died,
15:29I thought it might be nice to bury him in those jeans.
15:31So I wrapped him up in the jeans,
15:33and I buried him in the hole.
15:35And you know what?
15:3627 years later, to this day,
15:39I really, really miss those jeans.
15:41Because really, it was the jeans that I missed.
15:43The cats are a dime a dozen, to be honest with you.
15:45You know what I mean?
15:47You know, I try to look at the bright side of stuff.
15:49You know what I mean?
15:50You gotta stay positive.
15:51What are you looking at?
15:54When someone comes up to me on the street,
15:55they say, I got good news, I got bad news.
15:57What do you want to hear first?
15:58I say, the good news.
15:59And they tell me the good news.
16:01Then I run away.
16:03Why would I want to hang out for bad news?
16:06You gotta be optimistic.
16:07I've been telling you that all night.
16:08You don't listen to me.
16:11When I see an adult wearing braces,
16:13it makes me happy.
16:14Because I know they have hope for the future.
16:17Otherwise, why make that investment
16:19if you're not gonna be around?
16:21And then the other hand,
16:22when I see an adult wearing diapers,
16:24it makes me sad.
16:25The lengths people go to look young,
16:27it's just, it's really upsetting, isn't it?
16:30It's upsetting.
16:35I stand before you right now
16:36with a totally replaced left knee.
16:38And you know what?
16:39I feel like a 21-year-old
16:41who's been in a horrible boating accident
16:44with no insurance.
16:50It's arthritis.
16:52It's patchwork as you get a little bit older.
16:53But I tell people it's from playing football.
16:56But it's really arthritis.
16:58It's genetic.
16:59My mother had tons of arthritis.
17:00But she did play football.
17:02She did play football.
17:04But yeah, I got the bad genes.
17:07Good genes are with the cat.
17:08And the Hulk.
17:13So, I know.
17:14I know.
17:16I know.
17:19But you know,
17:19it's kind of inconvenient
17:20when you have the,
17:21even though it works,
17:22going through life,
17:24like the airports
17:24and security,
17:26x-ray,
17:27you gotta let them know.
17:28And they've put you through
17:28the big machine,
17:29the professional machine.
17:31So I got it now.
17:32I just go,
17:33they know.
17:34That's what I love.
17:35Now I've had a few of these done,
17:36like I said.
17:37So it's more like
17:37a third base coach
17:38giving signals
17:39to a first base runner.
17:40You know?
17:44So get this.
17:46I go to the hospital
17:48and I've been before
17:49because I had a few
17:49of these things done
17:50so I know what's going on.
17:51And they prep you.
17:52They put you in this little room
17:53and they hook you up
17:54to that little IV
17:55and they start dripping
17:56stuff in you.
17:57I don't know what it is.
17:58I don't care.
17:58And I just love it so much.
18:01I just,
18:02I cannot.
18:03I love everybody.
18:04I love the world.
18:06I think everything I say
18:07is funny,
18:08like tonight.
18:11And I got my opening line
18:12all ready for these surgeons.
18:13I know they're in that room
18:15waiting for me to come in
18:16and I can't wait.
18:18I can't wait.
18:19They wheel me down
18:19and they push me
18:20through those doors
18:20and it's really cold in there
18:22and that's how I like it.
18:23You know me.
18:24And I see those surgeons.
18:25They're over in the corner.
18:26They got their green scrubs on
18:27and they're sorting
18:28through the tools.
18:29I see them.
18:29I go,
18:30hey,
18:31you guys work here?
18:34I didn't even get to hear
18:35a little laughter
18:35from that crazy funny line.
18:37I wake up like five hours later
18:39in the hospital room
18:40and I expected them all
18:41to come running in.
18:42Oh good,
18:42you're awake.
18:43That line you said
18:43in the operating room?
18:44Do you guys work here?
18:45That was hilarious.
18:45We fell out of our Crocs.
18:46That was so funny.
18:47Oh my God.
18:48Do you guys work here?
18:49Yeah,
18:49of course we work here.
18:49But that's why it was funny
18:51because,
18:52yeah,
18:52anyway,
18:53but they never came in.
18:54They never came into the room.
18:56But,
18:58this nurse comes in
18:59and the first thing
19:00he says to me is,
19:01have you had a bowel movement yet?
19:04Worst icebreaker
19:04I've ever heard in my life.
19:08I said,
19:08he wants to know
19:09who's been asking?
19:09What's the word on the street?
19:10Somebody saying something about that?
19:12He goes,
19:13no,
19:13it's just our policy
19:13that we can't send you home
19:15here at the hospital
19:15until you've had a bowel movement.
19:17Coincidentally,
19:18the same policy
19:19they have here at this club.
19:22You'll see.
19:23You'll see.
19:24I said,
19:24well,
19:24I don't think I had a bowel movement yet
19:26unless it happened in the OR
19:27after my opening line,
19:28like an encore kind of a thing.
19:30But unlikely
19:31because I don't work with props.
19:32I don't work with props.
19:34I said,
19:34what happens if I can't have a bowel movement?
19:35He goes,
19:36well,
19:36I'll just give you an enema.
19:37And right then
19:38there was a little movement
19:39in my bowel.
19:41But not enough to send me home.
19:45I said,
19:45well,
19:45you can't give me an enema.
19:48He goes,
19:48no,
19:48it's what I do.
19:49It's my job.
19:50I said,
19:50well,
19:50take a break.
19:51I'll have a cigarette.
19:53I'll do this myself.
19:54I don't need an enema.
19:55I've been doing this for years.
19:56I know,
19:56I have been actually.
19:57I said,
19:58I know what I'm doing.
19:58And sure enough,
20:00two weeks later,
20:00I was out of there.
20:04I was just thinking about this.
20:07what is the smallest denomination of money
20:11you would pick up off the ground,
20:12off the street,
20:13at the risk of throwing your back out these days?
20:17It used to be a quarter for me,
20:19or a nickel,
20:19a dime,
20:19a penny,
20:20anything like that.
20:20But now,
20:21you know what?
20:21It's got to be paper.
20:22I thought it was.
20:22It's got to be paper.
20:23Now,
20:23that's not to say if there was a nickel
20:24next to that dollar,
20:26I would not sweep that up as well,
20:28within a foot,
20:29within a foot.
20:31And then I started thinking,
20:32what's the smallest piece of food
20:33I would pick up off the street,
20:35at the risk of throwing my back out?
20:38And then I came to the conclusion,
20:41it would probably be a donut.
20:44Now,
20:44that's not to say if there was an M&M next to it,
20:47I would not sweep that up too as well,
20:49and bring it back up with me.
20:52Now,
20:52I follow the 10-second rule,
20:54and that starts ticking down
20:55after I come across the food.
21:00You know,
21:01I used to make donuts.
21:01This is true.
21:02I made donuts at Dunkin' Donuts.
21:03I worked the night shift,
21:0410 to 5.
21:05And,
21:06during the day,
21:06I worked as a lifeguard,
21:08and that's not a good combination.
21:10I slept through three drownings.
21:14One of them,
21:14at Dunkin' Donuts.
21:18I think one of the things you have to remember,
21:20oh my God,
21:20this is taking forever.
21:25I had a smart watch,
21:26but I got rid of it,
21:27because it was just so annoying.
21:29You know,
21:29I thought it was so smart.
21:31I did.
21:32I mean,
21:32I'll be walking around,
21:33I have a little buzz,
21:33I look at it,
21:34looks like you're walking.
21:35Yeah,
21:35I am walking.
21:37So intuitive.
21:40A couple hours later,
21:41looks like you're working out.
21:42Yeah,
21:42I am.
21:43Good call.
21:43Good call.
21:45Later that night,
21:46looks like you're having sex.
21:47Sort of.
21:51Looks like you're going back in the drawer,
21:52my friend.
21:54You ever go to the Apple store,
21:56and they tell you to put the code in your phone,
21:58and then they look away like,
22:00you know,
22:03you know,
22:03like some woman just started breastfeeding,
22:05and they go,
22:06oh,
22:08oh, man,
22:09I've been so stressed out lately.
22:10And it's not your fault.
22:11Don't beat yourself up, man.
22:12Come on.
22:13Go easy on yourself.
22:15Don't do that.
22:17I eat a lot when I'm stressed.
22:18Oh, my God,
22:18you should see what I eat.
22:19It is such junk.
22:20I love sugar,
22:22cookies,
22:22cake,
22:23ice cream.
22:23If I were to come over to your house,
22:25and you brought out a platter of warm,
22:27homemade chocolate chip cookies,
22:29which I would expect,
22:32I would eat every single one of those cookies
22:34with no embarrassment.
22:34Even online,
22:35when they go accept cookies,
22:36yeah,
22:37I accept cookies.
22:40And they accept milk.
22:43My wife looked at me the other day.
22:45She goes,
22:45those pants are looking a little tight on you,
22:47those jeans.
22:47I said,
22:48yeah,
22:48because you got the heat up too high in the dryer.
22:51She goes,
22:51no,
22:51I think you got the stack of cookies up too high in your plate.
22:55I said,
22:55well,
22:55I've been wearing the same size jeans for 30 years,
22:57so I think it's the dryer.
22:58She goes,
22:58well,
22:59you believe what you want to believe.
23:00And,
23:00you know,
23:00I like to prove a point.
23:01So I dug up my cat Pierre.
23:07And I unraveled him from those jeans,
23:09cat hair flying everywhere.
23:11And I tried those jeans on and guess what?
23:14Little tight.
23:16But still,
23:17loose in the crotch most of the time.
23:23But yeah,
23:24I mean,
23:24it's salt.
23:26I love salt too.
23:28Popcorn.
23:29Who doesn't like popcorn?
23:31You ever been eating popcorn in somebody's house
23:33and start wondering if their popcorn bowl
23:34was also their throw-up bowl?
23:41Because it is our house.
23:44Bagels.
23:44I like bagels.
23:46I like to order the everything bagel
23:47and then ask the server to put the everything on the side.
23:51Because I may not want all of the everything.
23:53I may want some of the everything.
23:56Alcohol,
23:57not so much for me.
23:58A couple glasses of wine once in a while,
23:59but not so much.
24:00My friend Steve had a big problem with drinking.
24:03Oh my God,
24:03Steve,
24:04he really hit rock bottom
24:05and we were really concerned
24:07and we loved him.
24:08So we decided that we would do an intervention.
24:10And I have never been part of an intervention
24:12on this side before.
24:13You know what I'm saying?
24:17And the night we were going to go over there,
24:19we were all so nervous,
24:20we started having a few drinks.
24:24And then a few more after that.
24:26And by the time I got to his house,
24:27I was so wasted.
24:29He was my designated driver to get me home.
24:33But the intervention did take place about a month later,
24:35but it was for me this time.
24:40Do you know what the most stressful job in the world is?
24:43Air traffic controller.
24:44But not if you don't take it seriously.
24:51I grind my teeth at night now.
24:52I grind my teeth.
24:53Any teeth grinders here?
24:55I can hear them.
24:57I can hear your teeth grinding.
25:00I can wear a night guard at night.
25:02And a retainer on the bottom.
25:05Sexy.
25:07And get this, six months ago,
25:08I found out I have sleep apnea.
25:10So now I can wear this full face mask
25:12with a hose pumping air in and out,
25:14on top of the night guard and a retainer,
25:16and probably a few cookies in there.
25:21And my wife rolls over.
25:23She sees me.
25:23She goes,
25:24Jesus Christ.
25:28She's like,
25:29sleep on somebody in ICU.
25:35And then I start getting all jealous.
25:37I go,
25:37how do you know what that's like?
25:37Are you seeing somebody in ICU?
25:39How much longer do they have?
25:40One of the visiting hours.
25:41I'll stop by.
25:43I was thinking about getting a dog.
25:45Dogs are calming, right?
25:47My friend goes,
25:49I was going to get a bulldog.
25:50My friend goes,
25:50don't get a bulldog.
25:51They don't last that long.
25:52They're so inbred for centuries.
25:54They're so unhealthy.
25:55Their organs are screwed up.
25:56They have that underbite.
25:58Nobody wants that.
25:59You know what I mean?
25:59And they got their lungs.
26:01They have difficulty breathing.
26:02And you know what?
26:03I researched it.
26:03He's right.
26:05You ever get down and listen to a bulldog try to breathe?
26:07It's sad.
26:08It's sad.
26:09They sound like this.
26:13Help me.
26:14Help me.
26:16And I know that dog would be fighting me for my retainer and for that mask.
26:21And nobody would get any sleep.
26:25Take a break.
26:26That is not worth the awe thing.
26:30But you just, you get it.
26:31And we're back, ladies and gentlemen.
26:35I've been thinking about something.
26:37I bet I'd be a really good dad if I was home more with my kid.
26:41You know what I mean?
26:42No, I bet I would.
26:43I really think I would.
26:46When he was 10, he recognized that I was an older father and he was not happy about it.
26:51And it never crossed my mind.
26:52I never anticipated that.
26:54And I went into his bedroom.
26:57And I could tell he'd been crying.
26:58Puffy eyes, tears on his cheeks.
27:01I go, what's the matter, buddy?
27:03Because I don't know his name.
27:04I'm never home.
27:05What the fuck is his name?
27:10I said, I've just been thinking.
27:11I'm 10 now and you're 63.
27:13When I'm 20, you're going to be 73.
27:15When I'm 30, you're going to be 83.
27:16You're not going to be around for a lot of my life, are you?
27:21I said, buddy, buddy, buddy, what's this fucking happened?
27:29I said, I'm going to be around for a long time.
27:30Don't you worry about that.
27:31I'll be around when you graduate.
27:32I'll be around when you get married and when you have kids.
27:34I'll be around for all that stuff.
27:35But you've got to make that happen in the next four years.
27:40Otherwise, yeah, you're probably right.
27:42I won't be around.
27:43He said, no, I'm serious, Dad.
27:45Dad, he doesn't know my name either.
27:48Nobody knows anybody at our house.
27:53He said, there's kids in my class in fifth grade.
27:55Their parents are in their mid-30s and you're 63.
27:57I said, okay, all right, let's stop right there.
27:59That means nothing.
27:59That means absolutely nothing because there's no guarantee in life.
28:02You don't know what's going to happen.
28:04You can't predict that.
28:05I said, who's to say that your friend's parents in their mid-30s
28:08aren't going to die in a fire car crash tomorrow?
28:10You don't know that.
28:11Or a murder-suicide.
28:12That could happen.
28:13Believe me.
28:13I've known some.
28:15Some murdering clown could come into your bedroom tonight
28:17and strangle you with a blown animal.
28:19You could die in a dentist chair, for God's sakes.
28:23Just give him a little kiss on the forehead.
28:26He said, you get a good night's sleep.
28:27We'll talk about this in the morning.
28:29If you wake up.
28:33But I love being a father.
28:36Do you know, when he was six, he came into our bedroom Christmas morning.
28:39He goes, I want the truth.
28:40Is there a real Santa Claus or are you guys the Santa Claus?
28:43What do you do in that situation?
28:45Do you lie to him so that one day he finds out you continue to lie
28:48and he'll never believe you again?
28:49Or are you honest with him?
28:51So, I had to choose my words carefully
28:54because my wife thinks there's Santa Claus too.
29:02So, we decided that we would be honest with him
29:04and his body just went limp.
29:06He was so distraught and he was so choked up.
29:10I said, but it's bigger than that.
29:12You know, Christmas has a significant and profound impact
29:15on the global economy.
29:16You know what I'm saying?
29:17And it increases spending and that improves, you know, retail sectors
29:22and overall economic growth.
29:25And he looked at me.
29:26He goes, and does that include tariffs too?
29:29Or is that something else or?
29:34And he walked out of the bedroom.
29:36He was so sad.
29:37And he comes back like five minutes later.
29:39And he goes, and the Easter bunny?
29:42Easter bunny?
29:43No, no Easter bunny.
29:48And I said, the worst of it is,
29:52we're not your real parents.
29:56So, pack up, buddy.
29:58Hit the road.
30:03My nephew's son's name is Echo.
30:07It's a California name.
30:09His middle name is Echo.
30:14Get this.
30:16This is the irony of life.
30:19My wife got pregnant on a pull-out couch.
30:23How did that happen?
30:25I don't know.
30:25I wasn't paying attention.
30:26I wasn't paying attention.
30:29Um, I watch these YouTube videos
30:33of these kids playing the guitar
30:36and piano and they're shredding it.
30:38And I'm thinking,
30:38oh my God, how are they so good?
30:41But I've seen it so much now
30:42that I'm used to it.
30:43It doesn't impress me anymore.
30:45I have to see a baby
30:46coming out of the vagina
30:47playing a fiddle
30:48to be impressed.
30:50Do you know what I mean?
30:51Mostly for the mother.
30:55You know, I gotta tell you something.
30:57And then I swear to God,
30:58I'll be gone so quickly
30:59it'll make your head spin.
31:03I, um,
31:04you don't know
31:05what's gonna happen in life.
31:06You really don't.
31:07We were talking about that earlier
31:08before the commercial.
31:09And, um,
31:11it's so crazy.
31:12I lost a couple of really good friends
31:13in the last few years.
31:14And you know what that's like.
31:15Unfortunately, it's devastating.
31:16What do you do about it?
31:17You can't do anything about it.
31:18It's part of life.
31:18You have to accept it.
31:19I had a really good friend,
31:21Tom.
31:23Tom Rosbicki.
31:24Best buddy ever.
31:25We were like brothers.
31:26And it's hard to talk about Tom
31:27because we were so close.
31:29But I want to keep his memory alive,
31:31his name.
31:32And Tom and I, uh,
31:36we did everything together.
31:37We went to the same schools,
31:39um, same jobs,
31:40same friends.
31:42And a couple of years ago,
31:44he, um,
31:45had a little something on his back.
31:46I saw him on the beach.
31:47I said, Tom,
31:47you should check that out.
31:50So,
31:52he goes to the doctors
31:54and they do a biopsy
31:55and it turns out
31:56that it was, um,
31:58inoperable
31:58and they gave him three months.
32:02Three months to live.
32:03How do you process that?
32:04You know?
32:05How do you make sense out of that?
32:08You can't.
32:09I just decided
32:10that I would love on him
32:10every minute
32:11for those next three months.
32:16We had a party for him
32:17and we had
32:18his favorite food
32:21and we had, uh,
32:22his playlist.
32:23Sorry.
32:24And we had, like,
32:25everything that he loved
32:26and we danced with him
32:27and we,
32:30we hugged him
32:30and we said goodbye to him.
32:36And that three months
32:37came quicker
32:37than any of us wanted it to.
32:40And he was still alive.
32:44In four months,
32:45he's still alive.
32:46In five months,
32:47in six months,
32:48he's still alive.
32:48And now he's embarrassed
32:49that he's still alive.
32:52He's avoiding everybody.
32:54Eight months,
32:55nine months,
32:56ten months,
32:56he's still alive.
32:57Eleven, twelve months,
32:58he's still alive.
32:59But then on the evening
33:00of December 20th,
33:012020,
33:02exactly 6.21 p.m.,
33:04he was still alive.
33:07But now he's not
33:08coming outside
33:08of his apartment
33:10because he feels
33:10like a fraud.
33:11Yeah, I get it.
33:12We spent a lot of money
33:13in that stupid death party.
33:15And here he is all,
33:15hey, guys,
33:16what's going on today?
33:16What's going on today?
33:17You're going on today.
33:18You're going on and on and on.
33:19What's up with that?
33:19You're supposed to be dead.
33:20Got kicked out of five hospices.
33:22All those trips
33:22to Disneyland for free?
33:24What about the gift cards
33:25we gave you?
33:25We thought you would
33:26never spend.
33:28The watch you took back
33:29from me that you gave to me.
33:30What's going on, guys?
33:30What's going on?
33:33Well, get this.
33:34Two weeks later,
33:35I have a little party
33:36for myself.
33:37He shows up
33:37to my birthday party
33:38wearing braces.
33:49The next day,
33:50he goes off to the Bahamas.
33:51I'm thinking,
33:51hold on.
33:52No judging.
33:53Maybe he's looking
33:54for a place
33:54to spread his ashes.
33:55No.
33:56He got a timeshare
33:57in the Bahamas
33:58with his new fiance.
34:01Well, guess what?
34:03Three months exactly
34:04from that date,
34:04he did die, thankfully.
34:08But not from the disease.
34:10Not from the disease.
34:11It was a freak accident.
34:13He got hit by a car.
34:15I was texting and driving.
34:16I did not see him at all.
34:17I swear to God.
34:19And I hit him hard, too.
34:20Twice.
34:20I slammed into him.
34:21Two times at least.
34:24That's the hit and run
34:25I was referring to earlier.
34:27Had it not been for those braces,
34:29I wouldn't even notice him.
34:32$17,000 worth of damage
34:33to my car.
34:34$17,000.
34:36How do you process that?
34:37You can't.
34:38You have to accept it.
34:39I had that car for a long time.
34:41I love that car.
34:44I had that car since third grade.
34:47I was walking around.
34:48I didn't even recognize it.
34:49I didn't recognize it.
34:50I come around the front.
34:51I notice that Tom's braces
34:52are embedded in the bumper of my car.
34:54That's how hard I hit him.
34:57And I thought,
34:58wait a minute.
34:59Hold on a minute.
35:01Why not leave the braces
35:02in the bumper
35:03and see if it straightens it out
35:04by itself?
35:06And it did.
35:07And it did.
35:08Take a break.
35:15So, we're back.
35:17You know,
35:18I have my mother's
35:19phone number
35:20in my contact list
35:21still because,
35:22well, she passed away
35:22five years ago.
35:24But, um,
35:25I have a thing about
35:26people that pass away
35:27in my contact list.
35:28I don't delete them
35:28because it just seems
35:29so insensitive.
35:30I leave them in there.
35:31But I will put one of those emojis
35:32with the X's for the eyes
35:33next to them.
35:34That way, you know,
35:35I don't call them
35:36and get all bummed out.
35:36Oh, that's right.
35:37You died.
35:38You know what I mean?
35:40So, yeah.
35:41So, I call my mother
35:43a couple weeks ago,
35:44the phone number,
35:44and this guy named Hector
35:45answered the phone.
35:48He goes,
35:49Hola, que pasa?
35:50And, you know,
35:51I go,
35:52Hey, Hector.
35:55This used to be
35:56my mother's phone number,
35:57and I thought
35:57I was going to hear
35:58her voice when,
35:59you know,
35:59you answered.
36:00Oh, what does she sound like?
36:02Maybe I do an impression
36:02of her.
36:05I said,
36:05no, but I'll know
36:06it's you now
36:06because you told me
36:07you were going to do that.
36:08And he hung up on me.
36:10But what Hector doesn't know
36:11is because he has
36:11my mother's phone number now,
36:13by default,
36:14he's my emergency contact.
36:20Guess what?
36:21When my grandmother died,
36:23totally shocked us
36:24because,
36:24well, first of all,
36:25she'd never done that before.
36:27She'd never done that before.
36:28It's like the first time ever.
36:30She lived to be
36:31101 years old.
36:33Two days after
36:34her 101st birthday,
36:36she woke up
36:37and she told her nurse,
36:38she said,
36:38Today's the day
36:39I'm going to die.
36:40It's like she knew it.
36:41She put on
36:42her favorite outfit.
36:43She went to the cafeteria.
36:44She had her favorite breakfast.
36:46Came back to her bedroom
36:47and sure enough,
36:48blew her brains out
36:49with a .357 magnet.
36:52How did she know?
36:54You know what I'm saying?
36:55How do people know
36:56that kind of stuff?
37:02Take a break.
37:04Okay, I find the audience
37:05has become very judgmental
37:07at this point
37:07and very lackadaisical.
37:10I think at that point.
37:12So try to pick it up
37:13a little bit
37:13when we come back
37:14and I'll do my best too.
37:16I know we feed off
37:16each other's energy.
37:18So that's something
37:18to keep in mind.
37:19And we're back,
37:20ladies and gentlemen.
37:21We are here
37:22and this crowd,
37:23as you can hear,
37:24they are going crazy
37:25and I appreciate that.
37:27I do appreciate that.
37:29Thank you so much.
37:30Thank you so much.
37:31But yeah,
37:32you could extend your life.
37:33You could extend it
37:33a little bit
37:34if you do the proper research.
37:35You go on these
37:36ancestry sites,
37:37$90 it costs.
37:39They send this little kit
37:40comes with a test tube,
37:41a little vial.
37:42You put a little saliva in there.
37:43You send it in
37:43and three weeks later
37:44you get back
37:45this trove of information
37:46about your ancestors,
37:47where they're from,
37:48the illnesses they had
37:49and you can kind of
37:50take that
37:50and kind of work with that
37:51and navigate around it.
37:52I thought,
37:53I'm on board for that.
37:5590 bucks,
37:55why not?
37:56I did 23 of me.
37:57They sent me the kit,
37:5890 bucks.
37:59It's in my mailbox.
38:00I cannot wait
38:01to go out there
38:01and get it.
38:02Well, guess what?
38:03On the way out there
38:04to get it,
38:05I noticed that somebody
38:06had spit on my car windshield.
38:07I was furious.
38:08You know how I get.
38:12I thought,
38:12who would spit
38:12on my car windshield
38:13like that?
38:14And then I realized
38:15for $90
38:15I could find out
38:16exactly
38:16who spit on my car windshield.
38:22So I scooped it up.
38:23I put it in
38:23that little vial.
38:24I sealed it up
38:24and I sent it in.
38:26And I waited
38:26three weeks,
38:27four weeks,
38:29finally get back
38:29to the information
38:30I was waiting for.
38:31Guess what?
38:32Turns out
38:33it was bird shit.
38:42Somebody spit bird shit
38:43on my car windshield.
38:48But this company's so good
38:49they told me
38:49exactly where it originated.
38:50It came from a seagull
38:51from Northern California.
38:5430% sparrow,
38:5510% owl.
38:57That's a party bird
38:58right there.
39:03Do you know
39:04that my great,
39:06great,
39:06great,
39:07great grandfather
39:07was in the Civil War
39:09reenactments?
39:12And they were so,
39:13so authentic
39:16and accurate
39:18back then
39:18because they would
39:19go on the battlefield
39:2022 minutes
39:21after the original
39:22soldiers would
39:23come off the field.
39:25And one time
39:26they went on
39:26too early
39:27and were just massacred.
39:31Let me share
39:32this very brief story
39:33with you
39:33for the next 45 minutes.
39:38I came back
39:38from the pandemic
39:40after it was over.
39:42I wanted to make sure
39:42before I came back
39:43and some guy
39:45broke into our house.
39:46this guy smashed
39:48the back window.
39:48He comes into
39:49the living room.
39:50There's broken glass
39:51everywhere.
39:51He goes up,
39:52I keep saying he,
39:53but it could have
39:53been a she.
39:54I want to be sexist.
39:56So this bitch
39:56comes into our house,
39:57right?
40:01It was a person.
40:02I don't know who it was.
40:03I don't know who it was.
40:04In and out pretty quickly.
40:05They go upstairs.
40:06They take a couple
40:07of handbags
40:08and a couple of watches.
40:09I don't collect watches.
40:10But the thing
40:10that was the most
40:11sentimental to me
40:11that that person took
40:13was just a simple
40:14rawhide necklace
40:14that had a little urn
40:16at the bottom
40:16that held some of my friend
40:17Tom's ashes in it
40:19as well as some braces.
40:23And the weird thing was
40:24Tom gave me those ashes
40:25before he died.
40:27That's how guilty
40:28he felt about not dying.
40:30He was slowly
40:31cremating himself
40:32as a down payment
40:33until he died.
40:39I waited a long time
40:40before I got married.
40:41I waited a whole other marriage
40:43before I got married.
40:45I did.
40:45I did.
40:46So get this
40:47and then I got to go.
40:50I met my wife
40:51at a costume party
40:52one Halloween.
40:54She came as a slinky.
40:55That was her costume.
40:56I thought that's pretty clever.
40:57I'd like to talk to her
40:58for a little bit.
40:59But I remember
40:59the first time I saw her
41:00oh my God.
41:01She was coming down the stairs.
41:03Wow.
41:04Wow.
41:06She's amazing.
41:07She's taking two at a time.
41:08She's really good.
41:10Had she not gotten stuck
41:11on the bottom step
41:12I never would have
41:13talked to her.
41:14But you know what?
41:15It worked out
41:15and we talked
41:16for like an hour
41:17and finally got
41:18a little courage.
41:18I said hey
41:19you want to go upstairs?
41:21She goes
41:22I can't.
41:23I'm a slinky.
41:24I can't.
41:25But do you know
41:26this is true.
41:27She went home that night
41:28and she immediately
41:29called her mother.
41:29She said mom
41:30I just met the man
41:31I'm going to marry.
41:33And I went home
41:34and I told my wife
41:35I said hon
41:39I just met the woman
41:41I'm leaving you for.
41:44But no
41:45it's fantastic
41:46and I'm married up
41:47this time
41:47and
41:48I'm very comfortable
41:49in this position.
41:50My wife's family
41:51actually comes from
41:52old crypto.
41:58But it is challenging.
41:59Like my wife and I
42:00we have
42:00we cannot agree
42:02on a comfortable temperature
42:03in the bedroom at night.
42:05Is that typical
42:06I think for couples?
42:07I think so.
42:08Like
42:08she likes it 75
42:1076 degrees
42:11like sauna hop
42:12and I like it
42:1460 degrees.
42:15Normal.
42:15You know?
42:17And there's a battle
42:18all night
42:18she gets up
42:19she turns it to 78
42:20or whatever
42:21I turn it down to 60
42:22up to 78
42:23down to 60
42:24it's like
42:25we're exhausted
42:25the next day
42:26we're not getting
42:26any sleep.
42:27So guess what?
42:28She goes out
42:29and she replaces
42:29that thermostat
42:30with a Celsius thermostat.
42:32I can't convert the two.
42:34I don't know
42:34I don't know
42:35if it's hot in the room
42:36now or cold in the room
42:36how am I supposed to know?
42:39So I go out
42:40the next day
42:40and I exchange
42:41our bathroom scale
42:42for a kilo scale.
42:46She thinks
42:46she weighs 50 pounds
42:48and I think
42:49it's 42 degrees
42:50in the room
42:50so everybody's happy
42:51everybody's happy.
42:53I'm not a good apologist.
42:55I go to the grocery store
42:56I'm supposed to pick up
42:57some garlic bread
42:58as well.
42:59I forgot the garlic bread
43:00and I thought
43:01well I'm not going back
43:02you know
43:02she knows what it tastes like.
43:04Well
43:05that was the wrong
43:06the wrong thought process
43:08right there
43:08so I had to apologize
43:09and I'm working on it
43:11but most guys
43:11they don't know
43:12how to apologize
43:12because you know
43:13they're just not sensitive enough
43:14to know the exact words
43:16to use
43:16to validate
43:17somebody's feelings.
43:18Like I was the worst.
43:20Here's how my apology
43:21would start.
43:23Now you listen to me.
43:27There's nowhere
43:28to go after that.
43:29You've got to find
43:30an apology
43:30for your apology.
43:32So get this.
43:35I'm walking by my bedroom
43:36our primary bedroom
43:38and I notice my wife
43:39sitting on the side
43:40of the bed
43:40and she's sobbing
43:42uncontrollably.
43:43I said
43:44what's the matter
43:45buddy?
43:46What's the matter?
43:52She said
43:53I've just been thinking
43:54I'm 28 now.
43:58That's not true.
43:59That's not true.
44:00It's kind of true
44:01but not that true.
44:02I told her one time
44:05we have this
44:06hall pass agreement
44:07you know what that is?
44:08We could be with
44:09one other person
44:09for one night
44:10no questions asked
44:11but I realize
44:11you have to update
44:13your selection.
44:14You can't write
44:14somebody's name down
44:15on a piece of paper
44:16stick it in the drawer
44:17and then pull it out
44:18ten years later
44:18thinking you're going
44:19to collect on it
44:20because things change.
44:22I looked at mine
44:23Mary Tyler Moore
44:33who I used to know
44:34I would see Bruce
44:35all over LA
44:36we would hang out
44:37we'd have conversations
44:38we kind of knew each other
44:39we were just a couple
44:40of Olympians chatting
44:41that's all we were
44:42it's not like a big deal
44:43you know
44:43don't get all excited
44:44about that
44:45but I only met
44:46Caitlyn Jenner
44:47like I don't know
44:47eight years ago
44:48and somehow
44:48she knew me
44:53and I asked Caitlyn
44:55if she would go
44:56on a hike with me
44:56because I have a little
44:57hiking show on YouTube
44:58called Hiking with Kevin
44:59and I hike with a
45:02thank you
45:02thank you
45:03thank you
45:05so I hike
45:06with a different celebrity
45:07every week
45:08in the canyons
45:08of Los Angeles
45:09and Conan O'Brien
45:11Tom Hanks
45:11Sheryl Crow
45:12a lot of fun people
45:13so I asked Caitlyn
45:14if she would do it
45:14and she said
45:15yeah sure
45:16I'll do it
45:20and I was so excited
45:22and surprised
45:22that she said yes
45:23my favorite question
45:24to ask her
45:25on the hike was
45:27Caitlyn
45:28if you could change
45:28one thing about yourself
45:31what would you change
45:34she would get it
45:35she would get it
45:35but on the way home
45:36I was thinking
45:38to go through
45:39that whole process
45:40that whole
45:42transition
45:43with the surgery
45:43and all that
45:44I mean that takes
45:44a lot of courage
45:45to do something
45:46like that
45:47and I don't know
45:48if I would have
45:49the courage
45:50to do that
45:50you know what I'm saying
45:53I certainly wouldn't
45:54rush into something
45:55like that
45:56if I was gonna do it
45:57I mean I
45:57you know
45:59I would do it
46:00very gradually
46:00here's what I would do
46:01and then I gotta go
46:03I
46:04I would start off
46:05by dressing like a woman
46:06for a couple years
46:07that's a no brainer
46:08am I right
46:09after a couple years
46:10I'm still okay with it
46:11maybe I go in
46:12for that surgery
46:13maybe
46:13I don't know
46:14but again gradually
46:16I would do it in the steps
46:17here's what I would do
46:20I would start off
46:21by removing one testicle
46:23don't throw it away
46:24remember where I put it
46:27put it in a safe place
46:28label it
46:29L
46:34six months or so later
46:35if I'm still okay with it
46:36then I go back
46:37for the other testicle
46:38don't throw it away
46:40put it with the first one
46:41keep them together
46:42as a set
46:43R
46:46six months or so later
46:48if I'm still okay with it
46:50then I go back
46:50for the penis
46:52again gradually
46:53here's what I would do
46:57I would remove
46:58an inch a week
47:01and after ten weeks
47:02if I'm still okay with it
47:05then I go back
47:06for the other half
47:07thank you guys
47:08have a great night
47:09thanks for coming out
47:10tonight
47:10I appreciate you
47:11thank you
47:12I appreciate you
47:13thank you
47:18thank you
47:20thank you
47:21thank you
47:30thank you
47:30thank you
47:31thank you
47:31thank you
47:32thank you
47:34thank you
47:35thank you
47:36thank you
47:39thank you
47:40thank you
47:41thank you
47:43thank you
47:43thank you
47:44thank you
47:44thank you
47:45thank you
47:45thank you
47:45thank you
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