- 8 hours ago
Only Child S02E05-6 (2026)
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TVTranscript
00:00Chili Chili Chili Chili Chili Chili Con Conny Chili Chili Con Conny Chili Chili Con Conny
00:11Ken Pritchard's Chili Chili Con Conny
00:16I tell you Bess will not be able to resist my famous Chili your mother never could
00:23She will be putty in my hands
00:32Oh there you are, are you enjoying your book?
00:35Don't enjoy Stanislavski Dad, you learn, you embrace, you transcend
00:42You've got cowboys innit? Sure, oregano, oregano please
00:49Erm, I've been meaning to say about the other day in the woods with Emily
00:55I don't know what you saw or what you think you saw, erm, but it's nothing
01:00Right, right, okay
01:02Yeah
01:03Er, what is that I meant to have seen?
01:07Are you saying that you didn't see?
01:11I don't know
01:12Did you see anything?
01:16No
01:18Sorry, just ignore me
01:22Oregano?
01:24I thank you
01:27You mean the kiss?
01:35It is really important that when Beth comes round that you don't mention that me and Emily kissed
01:41Right
01:43Say no more
01:45Really?
01:47Great
01:47That was easy
01:49But I can mention it to Beth
01:51Sit back down again
01:55Don't mention it to anyone
01:58Mention it?
01:59No
02:01Don't mention it
02:02Well, er, which is it Richard?
02:04Let's go with
02:05Don't mention it
02:05So, I've not to mention it now
02:07Mentioning it was never an option
02:10Let's take mentioning it off the table
02:12Got you
02:13Do you?
02:15No
02:17Okay
02:19It's very simple
02:19Just don't talk about me and Emily in the woods at any point in time to anyone
02:27Mention it? Now yes, don't mention it
02:29It was only if I don't mention it
02:30Is that the way you always do it by the way?
02:33What?
02:34Kiss
02:34What's wrong with the way I kiss?
02:36When you kiss a lady on the mouth
02:38My life might be in the toilet
02:40But watching my dad when she's own hand is a low I will not stoop to
02:54What's doing it?
02:55Er, that damp patch up there
02:57I should have painted that before Beth came over
03:01That's the first thing she's going to see when she walks in here
03:03I don't think so
03:05No?
03:06No
03:06I think she's far more likely to see the fly graveyard here
03:09Oh, that's your fault for making me put the spiders outside
03:13Right, you hoover that up and I'll paint over that
03:16Dad, how many times you're too old to be going to have ladders at your age?
03:18Look, I'll hoover and you just ignore the paint
03:20I'll use the good ladders if that puts your mind at ease
03:23No, it's the fact you still keep bad ladders is my point
03:28I er, I wanted to ask you something, son
03:30Oh yeah?
03:33Salt pies
03:37It's er, it's about Beth and your mother
03:41Do you maybe not want to eat something, Pyle?
03:44Oh, never mind
03:44Are you enjoying that?
03:46Mmm, that's really
03:46I'm good
03:47We were too at this, actually
03:49Yeah, but that's why I said not to do it
03:51Mmm
03:51Don't have another bit?
03:53Oh, yeah
03:57Well, it was just the other day
04:00I thought I saw your mother
04:03I mean, it was just for a second, you know
04:05and I knew it wasn't her
04:07but er, well, I kinda went a bit tingly
04:12and I was wondering maybe if it was a message from your mother
04:16to say that me seeing Beth was hurting her feelings
04:23Do you want to know what I think?
04:25I do
04:27I think the dead don't send us messages
04:32I just think they want us to carry on with our lives
04:38Okay
04:40Of course
04:41Thanks, son
04:43Sure
04:45Anytime
04:47And just maybe to clarify a wee bit, you know
04:51It couldn't actually have been your mother, could it?
04:54Like a ghost or something
04:57Dad, come on
04:58Don't be silly
04:59There's no such thing as ghosts
05:19Why are you wearing your painting clothes?
05:21Well, what else am I gonna paint in?
05:23No, no, we've been through this, you're not painting in anything
05:25I'm not painting naked, Richard
05:27You're not painting at all?
05:28This'll only take five minutes
05:29Alright, fine
05:30End up in hospital, see if I care
05:32Oh
05:32Don't be so bloody dramatic
05:33I'm just trying to look after you
05:35I don't know why you insist on making it so difficult
05:39Oh, and he's using the bad ladders
05:40Well, this is brilliant
05:42These are not the bad ladders, Richard
05:45It's just not as new as the good ladders
05:47Dad, they're a death trap
05:50Alright, fine, okay, you've got your way again
05:52I'll do it
05:53I'm not asking you to do it
05:54Dad, I'm doing it
05:55Alright, up you go then
05:56Well, I'm obviously not using these
05:57Where are the good ladders?
05:58Well, they're out the back
06:00Why?
06:00Because I feel bad for these ladders
06:02And if I keep the other ladders outside
06:03Well, these ladders feel a bit more important
06:06Like they still have some kind of use in life, you know
06:09Sorry, are these Pixar ladders?
06:11Listen, these ladders have seen me through
06:14Countless paint jobs and gutter clearances
06:16I built your cot with these ladders
06:18Why the hell were you using a ladder to build a cot?
06:20In all my time, these ladders have laddered it
06:23These ladders are part of the family
06:25Okay, just so I get this straight
06:28You keep Buzz Lightyear out there to keep old Woody here's nose and joint
06:31Is that I'll be Lightyear's boy that works at the library?
06:33What's he got to do with it?
06:34Okay, right, I'm getting the good ladders
06:38Take no notice
06:48Sally, hi
06:48Richard, how are you?
06:50Well, you know, getting by
06:52Well, I wish you were
06:53Then I'd get my 10%
06:55Well, has anything come in?
06:56No, but I'm working on a plan for that
06:59Safe space, yeah?
07:01Sure
07:01The thing is, I've just come back from a course on diversity
07:04Which I was made to attend for reasons I'm not allowed to go into
07:07Some specky twat in HR's idea, you know
07:10Yeah, I'm starting to see why they made you do the course
07:12Anyways, one thing I learned was
07:14Apparently some disabilities are invisible
07:19Okay
07:19Yes, so what should we put you down for?
07:23What?
07:24What can we put me down for?
07:26You need a USP, Richard, this could be it
07:28All I'm saying is if we add an invisible disability to your CV
07:31We might actually get you some auditions
07:34I don't have an invisible disability
07:36Prove it
07:37Well, I can't
07:39Well, exactly you see, so we are on the same page then
07:43No, no, we're not on the same page
07:44And I'm going to pretend this conversation never happened
07:47Why don't we start with snow blindness and see if we get any bites?
07:51Always a pleasure, Sally
07:52Peppa gave me a list of every invisible disability, totesweet
08:01Help!
08:03Mr. Pritch?
08:05Help!
08:06Mr. Pritch?
08:07Help!
08:09Mr. Pritch?
08:12Help!
08:13Mr. Pritch?
08:13Mr. Pritch?
08:13Oh my God!
08:14Oh!
08:15I've fallen over the ladders!
08:16Okay, just hang on a minute, let's get this up
08:21Okay?
08:22That's all right
08:23Oh my God!
08:24Oh my God!
08:25Right, change of plan and let's get you down
08:26Where's Richard?
08:28He's outside
08:29Okay, right, stay there, obviously, and I'll go get him
08:32No, no, no, no...
08:33He hasn't seen me
08:35Just please, don't mention it to him
08:36Just help me up into the armchair
08:38No, I don't think I can do that
08:40Oh, please, Emily
08:43Let's just keep this between you and I
08:44He'll only get me into trouble
08:49shut up
08:52okay fine
08:54what would I do without you
08:57one two three
08:59careful
09:02gentle
09:07how are you feeling
09:12yeah I'm alright I'm alright
09:16Mr Pritch I wanted to catch you
09:18before Beth came over
09:21about what you might have
09:23seen in the woods the other day
09:24oh you're okay you're okay
09:26I've already been briefed to keep
09:28doing about the kiss by his lordship
09:30oh great
09:33and here don't worry
09:34I'm going to talk to him about his
09:37technique he'll be ready for you
09:39the next time
09:40oh okay
09:43oh the television television
09:49Emily
09:50hi
09:51Richard hi
09:52hi
09:53I was just chatting to your dad
09:55about
09:56you know
09:57and
09:57how it would be great if you didn't
09:59mention anything about the
10:00you know
10:01to Beth
10:02yeah
10:03he knows
10:06knows what
10:07that you've not to mention
10:09what you've not to mention
10:11yes yes yes
10:12I'm not going to mention it
10:14great
10:14and if I do mention it
10:16it'll be an accident
10:17okay
10:18can you just be really deliberate
10:20about what you talk about
10:21you know stay clear of anything
10:22to do with
10:23you know kissing
10:24or lips
10:25or woods
10:26you don't leave me much else
10:27is it
10:27dad you could talk about
10:28literally anything else
10:30all right all right all right
10:32cool
10:32well that seems sorted then
10:34um
10:35actually I do need to talk to you
10:37about something too
10:38definitely
10:40dad
10:41could you
10:41give us a minute
10:46no
10:53yeah
10:54sorry about him
10:55I don't know what that was all about
10:56okay
10:58welcome to
10:59MTV Cribs
11:01where all the magic happens
11:04I mean I joke
11:05but it often was just me in here
11:06with an amateur magic kit
11:07it's smaller than I remember
11:09yeah
11:09I think that's because we've grown
11:11yes
11:11I didn't think the room had shrunk Richard
11:13no
11:16so
11:17how are you
11:19I'm good
11:21am I good
11:22don't know
11:22um
11:23I need to talk to you about something
11:24that's so good
11:25because I need to talk to you too
11:26since
11:27we
11:28kissed
11:28it's like this fog
11:29has been lifted
11:30from my brain
11:31and I was worried
11:32you might have regretted it
11:32or you pretend it hadn't happened
11:34I'm going to New Zealand
11:37what
11:41I'm
11:42I'm going to New Zealand
11:47sorry
11:48just to be clear
11:49this is
11:50with Tim
11:52it is
11:54would it be weird
11:55if I came with you
11:56yeah
11:56yeah I thought
11:56the minute
11:57the minute I said that
11:58thought it sounded weird
11:59I'm sorry
12:01hey
12:01forgot about it
12:04I mean
12:05we could have an actual
12:06proper conversation about it
12:08if you like
12:09no it's fine
12:10you're
12:11you're with Tim now
12:12on the other side of the world
12:14so
12:14it is the definition of
12:18fine
12:20I'm sorry
12:23I'm sorry
12:23personally I'm not sorry
12:26I've found out of saying sorry
12:27all the time
12:28you know I say sorry
12:29to people on the street
12:30who walk into me
12:32I mean what is that
12:32and why do I do that
12:34I don't want to be
12:35the sorry person anymore
12:36I
12:37I want to be the person
12:38who in ten years time
12:39can say
12:40oh New Zealand
12:41oh yeah
12:42used to live there actually
12:43you know
12:44I want to be that person
12:46but you could lie about it
12:48I want to go
12:49I want to do things
12:51I want to
12:51be in a Fleetwood Mac song
12:53you know
12:54I want to go my own way
12:56well if I could name
12:57another Fleetwood Mac song
12:59Landslide
12:59of which there are a lot
13:01in New Zealand
13:02I did a geography project on it
13:03in my fourth year of school
13:05but the only thing
13:06I have to be sorry for
13:07is
13:08is that we kissed
13:11I don't do that
13:13I don't cheat
13:16I take it
13:17Tim didn't see
13:19no
13:20I don't want him
13:21to ever find out
13:25it was a mistake
13:26Richard
13:28yeah
13:29totally
13:31Richard
13:33where's the door
13:35can you not get it
13:39no
13:42hello Richard
13:43have you been crying
13:45no
13:46you look like you've been crying
13:47doesn't he Tim
13:48yeah
13:49bottom lip's definitely quivering there mate
13:51do you want to come in
13:53yeah
13:53oh great
13:53okay
13:56oh
13:57Emily
13:58hi babe
13:58what are you doing here
13:59well I just thought I'd give mum a lift
14:01oh
14:01what are you doing here
14:02oh well
14:03I knew you'd be giving your mum a lift
14:05because you're so bloody nice
14:07so I thought I'd meet you here
14:09yeah
14:11and I'm
14:12I'm here
14:14because I live here
14:16hello Beth
14:18what did he say
14:19he said hello Beth
14:20oh
14:20hello Ken
14:25what did he say Richard
14:27Dad can you just come through
14:29no no
14:30I'm fine here
14:31do you want us to come through Ken
14:39what did he say Richard
14:40shall we just go through
14:42yeah
14:42yeah
14:43why don't you bring them through here Richard
14:52sorry about my appearance
14:53I was going to get changed
14:54I seem to
14:55lost track of time
14:56oh I think you look nice
14:58I like an elasticated waistband
15:01on a man
15:01don't I Tim
15:02she does
15:03yes
15:05hey Richard
15:06why don't you
15:07pop through
15:07and get some drinks for people
15:09hey
15:09maybe
15:10check in the chilli
15:11while you're at it
15:12why can't you
15:15well you might not just do that
15:16please
15:23couldn't pass me my book
15:25could you
15:27yes
15:27I could pass
15:29yes I'd be happy to
15:34there you go
15:37well you can
15:39pass me a tissue as well
15:40could you
15:40oh
15:40tissue as well
15:42yes
15:42I can do that
15:46I knew it
15:47you went up the ladder didn't you
15:49yes
15:49and you fell off
15:50yes
15:51oh Ken are you alright
15:52no no no
15:53I don't feel sorry for him
15:53I told him this would happen didn't I
15:55yes
15:55yes
15:56yes yes yes
15:56what and then you thought
15:57oh I'll just keep it a secret for the whole evening
15:59and to top it off you make Emily cover for you
16:01well I'm keeping that many secrets at the moment
16:04it just seemed a natural thing to do
16:06um I think me and Tim should probably get out of your hair
16:09no no no no no no
16:10don't go on his account
16:11honestly it's that living with a bloody babysitter
16:13maybe that's because you make me act like a babysitter
16:15er guys
16:16would it help
16:17if we ran through some conflict resolution techniques
16:19lift the mood
16:20probably not
16:21no
16:21I mean what if you'd actually hurt yourself
16:23and for what
16:23just to make a point
16:24everything's a bloody lecture with you
16:26er fellas
16:27no hold on
16:28all I want is for you to take care of yourself
16:30but instead you just insist on pretending you're a 25 year old
16:33instead of a 75 year old
16:35seriously guys
16:35hold on Tim
16:36er no it's just that
16:37I really need to say this
16:38sorry guys
16:38I don't want to stifle your truth
16:39it's just that the kitchen
16:40sure you are
16:41you are an agent of chaos
16:43I refute that
16:47you see
16:48exactly my point
16:59well the good news is
17:00the rice is still fine
17:06that's most of it away
17:07I'm sorry about this bit
17:09oh not to worry
17:10I wasn't that hungry anyway
17:12we could do something else
17:17have you got any board games
17:18I do
17:20where is that pub quiz one Richard
17:22no it's out of date
17:23we're not going to eat it
17:24no it's in it
17:25it's outdated
17:26I mean one of the questions was
17:27name the three sugar babes
17:30is that wrong
17:31oh yeah it's wrong
17:32because there's six sugar babes in total
17:34after all the line up changes
17:35you know with Heidi and Mal and Jade
17:37coming in afterwards
17:38whereas the question only relates to the original three
17:41you know with Chia Keisha and Siobhan
17:45sorry I don't know why I know
17:47so much about the sugar babes
17:49I know a game we can play
17:52we
17:55so I'm a woman
17:56yes
17:57I'm Scottish
17:58that's right
17:59but I'm not an actor, musician, novelist
18:03or athlete of any kind
18:05no
18:08I'll give up
18:08no you can't give up
18:10come on you're almost there
18:11and what way am I almost there
18:12you've just got to keep asking
18:14well I
18:15am I a war correspondent
18:17no you're not
18:19but in time you could be
18:21what
18:24who the hell is Celeste Frick
18:27who the hell is Celeste Frick
18:29she is a reporter
18:30on the Forrest Gazette
18:33easier than yours to be fair
18:35right okay my turn
18:37am I a fan of this person
18:39yes
18:39Stephen Bartlett
18:40no
18:41Gary Neville
18:41no wait
18:42Jake Humphrey
18:43no no no you need to ask more general questions
18:45Gordon Ramsay
18:45and the game's over
18:46oh no you haven't done me yet
18:50am I still active
19:16oh my god
19:19Wow, what a guess!
19:22Bye-bye!
19:22Yes!
19:23Thank you!
19:25Perfect!
19:29Oh yes, yes, yes!
19:32Yay!
19:38The Earth's atmosphere is primarily composed of what?
19:44Two gases!
19:45Hard to turn!
19:46How far?
19:47I think you're along the right lines!
19:51Yes, far from hydrogen!
19:54Yes!
20:10Mind if I join you?
20:12Surprised you made it down the stairs.
20:14Yeah, well the pains these are the top of the whiskey kicking in.
20:18That and the dihydrocodine.
20:21Should you be taking that without a prescription?
20:23Oh, do shut up!
20:25Oh!
20:28Trouble is, I am 25 up here.
20:32I mean, I can get my head around not being able to drive.
20:36Well, almost.
20:39But being told you can't do a wee bit of painting, really.
20:45That's why I...
20:46That's why I keep the bad ladders.
20:48I know exactly what they're going through.
20:55Emily's moving to New Zealand with Tim.
21:00Yeah.
21:03That won't last forever.
21:09Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, son.
21:17I can't believe I'm going to quote Tim.
21:20But he once said...
21:22All we have is the future.
21:25And he's right.
21:28Everything else just goes by in a flash.
21:32I shouldn't have waited so long.
21:33I should have just done what my heart was telling me to do from the start.
21:41What?
21:43No, no, no.
21:44Nothing.
21:44Nothing at all.
21:46They sent me out to tell you that charades are starting.
21:49They're very excited about it.
21:53Oh, that's me seized up again.
21:55That's your fault for making me sit on this wall.
21:58My fault?
21:59Are you winding me up?
22:00You'll need to help me up.
22:01Go ahead.
22:05Tell them it'll be an hour.
22:07Don't be so bloody cheeky.
22:12Oh, it's a book.
22:13A book!
22:14I got it.
22:15Yeah, you're supposed to guess the name of the book, Mum.
22:17Oh, yes, of course.
22:18Moby Dick.
22:19I need to mime it first.
22:22Is it How to Cope with Anxiety by Martin Koston?
22:24How would I mime that?
22:25I don't know.
22:26But it's a really good book.
22:28Okay.
22:30Film.
22:32Two words.
22:33First words.
22:35High fidelity.
22:37Piss off!
22:38How do you just keep getting each other's like...
22:41It's like you shared the same brain or something.
22:45Okay.
22:46No, I have a good one.
22:47No, but I just...
22:48On you go.
22:54Talking.
22:55Phrase.
22:56Phrase.
22:57Phrase.
22:59Five words.
23:00Five words.
23:01First word.
23:02First word.
23:03You.
23:03Points.
23:05Drawing.
23:06Woman.
23:07Lady.
23:08Biff.
23:08Give.
23:09Biff.
23:11It's me.
23:13Second word.
23:15Sound alike.
23:17Writing.
23:18Tablets.
23:18Looking.
23:19Tiny.
23:20Blocker.
23:20Eating.
23:21It's a picnic.
23:22Pill.
23:23Pill.
23:23Sounds like pill.
23:24Pill.
23:24Dill.
23:25Will.
23:26Will.
23:28It's will.
23:29Third word.
23:32You.
23:33What?
23:33You.
23:34You.
23:34Mum.
23:37Will you.
23:38Beth.
23:39Will you.
23:40Dad.
23:41Shut up, Richard.
23:42Fourth word.
23:43Oh, I'm having us.
23:44There's so much fun.
23:45Sounds like carry.
23:46Baby.
23:47Baby.
23:48Oh, yeah.
23:48Carrying the baby.
23:50Sounds like carry.
23:51Right.
23:52Cameron.
23:52Larry.
23:53Barry.
23:54Mary.
23:59Fifth word.
24:01Me.
24:05Oh, Ken.
24:06I'd love to.
24:08Mum.
24:08Maybe take a minute.
24:10Yeah.
24:10Also, can I just point out that my dad's on very strong painkillers right now.
24:14It's okay.
24:15I know what I'm doing.
24:24You'd better kiss the bride.
24:26And I'll make sure it's a better one than Richard gave Emily.
24:30What?
24:33Richard kissed Emily?
24:36Yes.
24:37But we're not supposed to mention it.
24:40Sorry.
24:49Oh.
24:50Yes.
24:52Sorry, but the person you are trying to reach can't take your call right now.
24:56Please leave your message after the tone.
24:58Hello, Beth.
24:59It's Ken here.
25:00Ken Pritchard.
25:01Yeah.
25:02Again.
25:03You can't take my call right now, so I'm leaving you a message after the tone.
25:12Emily.
25:18Hi.
25:19It's Richard.
25:21Again.
25:22But you'll already know that because my name comes up on your phone.
25:26Well, unless you've deleted my number, in which case it is 07700900.
25:33But then the phone would have logged that as well.
25:36But just in case, the final three digits are 5, 2, 1.
25:43Yeah, I'm actually just going to hang up now.
25:46Yeah.
25:47So, um, cheery bye then.
25:53Cheery bye then.
26:08Cheery bye then.
26:09How did you know I wrote that?
26:10Because you posted it on the Forrest's WhatsApp group.
26:12Now the whole town knows about me and Emily.
26:14I did.
26:14No such.
26:15Oh, I did.
26:16Oh.
26:17How have I done that?
26:20Oh, that's the replies coming in now.
26:22Oh, brilliant.
26:23What a fantastic way for everyone to know that I'm in love with Emily.
26:26Just as she's about to fly halfway around the world with her boyfriend.
26:30Gordon Cove.
26:31I wonder if he still kisses with his eyes open.
26:33Lol.
26:33What were you doing kissing Gordon Cove?
26:35I wasn't kissing Gordon Cove.
26:36He was just there.
26:37It was a school party.
26:39We were all playing spin the ball.
26:40I mean, I tried to sneak out.
26:41I'd never kissed a girl before.
26:42But then it landed on me and Emily.
26:44And of course I wanted to kiss her.
26:46She's not in front of the whole room.
26:47But then they all started chanting,
26:48KISS HER!
26:49KISS HER!
26:49And I did.
26:50But I just didn't realise that you had to close your eyes when you were kissing someone.
26:53So for years after, everyone called me...
26:56The Cyclops kisser.
26:57You see, this is why I wanted to talk to you about your technique.
27:01Obviously I don't kiss like that now.
27:03A lot of people still remember it.
27:05Oh, great.
27:06Are you happy?
27:06Are you?
27:07That I can never leave the house again?
27:09How to make an already awful situation even worse.
27:12The Autobiography by Ken Pritchard.
27:14That's a terrible title for my autobiography.
27:16Oh, have you got a better one, have you?
27:17Yes, I have as a matter of fact.
27:19It was rhetorical!
27:20Shh.
27:21What have I?
27:23Pritchard and Prejudice by Ken Pritchard.
27:25Here.
27:26Or you could have pranked on Pritchard, I suppose.
27:30Please stop!
27:37Are they still talking about how bad I am at kissing?
27:40No, no.
27:41They've moved on to something else now.
27:45What?
27:45How bad are you at acting?
27:50I hate his accent in detective manners.
27:53I'm using my real accent.
27:54He's completely wooden.
27:56One dimensional.
27:57Let's just hope he kisses better than he acts.
28:00Well, on the upside.
28:02It's good to hit rock bottom early in the day.
28:04It really frees up your afternoon.
28:07Oh, apparently rock bottom has a basement.
28:11I thought people in forest liked me.
28:13I thought they were proud I was from here.
28:16No one on this is rooting for me and Emily to get together.
28:19I thought the whole town would be behind us like the end of a Richard Curtis film.
28:22Who's he again?
28:24He'd do The Wicker Man.
28:25No, Richard Curtis.
28:27Love Actually.
28:28Oh, I never saw that one.
28:29Notting Hill?
28:30Four weddings and a funeral?
28:32Oh yeah, yeah.
28:32You see, there's a funeral at the end of The Wicker Man.
28:35Nope.
28:36This one just says useless twat.
28:45Sally!
28:46Hi.
28:47Richard!
28:48Something's coming.
28:50Really?
28:51Why do you need me for this?
28:52Because Emily normally reads the parts in and it's my first TV audition in months.
28:56I'm not missing out on it.
28:58Alright.
29:01Who am I playing again?
29:03You're playing anyone apart from Sebastian.
29:05You understand?
29:06Uh-huh.
29:07That's the face you do when you don't understand but you're pretending that you do.
29:10Uh-huh.
29:10Uh-huh.
29:11Uh-huh.
29:12Okay, is that uh-huh as in you do understand or uh-huh as in you don't understand?
29:16Absolutely.
29:16Sure, okay.
29:17So what I've done is I've highlighted all the parts you're playing.
29:20Okay, so if the line is highlighted, you say it.
29:23Right?
29:23Okay.
29:28Richard Pritchard, represented by Sally Monteith.
29:32Um, and can I just say, even if I don't get the part, I think the script is fantastic.
29:37Don't creep, Richard.
29:38It's not becoming.
29:38Can you just...
29:40Right.
29:42Right.
29:42Let's just...
29:42Let's just try one.
29:50What are you doing?
29:52It says there's jazz music playing in the background to you.
29:54Yeah, we'll take that as red.
29:55Oh, well.
29:55Please yourself.
29:56For the benefit of the tape, we're taking the jazz music as red.
30:00Can you not talk to the tape?
30:01Just do the lines.
30:07Good evening.
30:09I wasn't sure you were going to turn up tonight.
30:13Good evening.
30:14I wasn't sure you were going to turn up tonight.
30:20Did you have any trouble finding the place?
30:22Did you have any trouble finding the place?
30:24The highlighted line.
30:26Oh, yes sir, sir.
30:27You said that.
30:28Yeah, I did.
30:32Did you have trouble finding the place?
30:35Yes.
30:36But you managed to get here without being seen?
30:39Yes.
30:41Drink?
30:42Quite heavy, if you're asking.
30:43Does it say that there?
30:44No.
30:45What does it say there?
30:45It says yes.
30:46Say yes then.
30:47Yes.
30:48The money on the table.
30:51Is it the amount we agreed on?
30:53Yes.
30:54Okay, now the waiter arrives.
30:56Oh, the waiter.
30:56Yes, the waiter.
30:59Yes?
31:00I'd like a martini.
31:01Would you like a martini?
31:05Yes.
31:06What?
31:07Is that all I ever get to say?
31:08I think my character would...
31:10You don't have a character.
31:12Right, just skip forward to when the German officer enters.
31:15Ah.
31:17Fredericks.
31:18Are you well?
31:19Yeah.
31:20I mean, this is a bloody wind-up.
31:22Mademoiselle Arnault, this is General Fredericks.
31:25Yes.
31:25A very great pleasure.
31:26We talked about the accent.
31:27It needs the accent, Richard.
31:29A very great pleasure to meet you, mademoiselle.
31:33Or should I say, meet you again?
31:36It was you I saw sneaking around my quarters last night, wasn't it, eh?
31:41I'm afraid you are going to have to come miss me.
31:45And seen.
31:45No, don't say unseen.
31:47Why not?
31:47Because I'm the actor.
31:48I want to say seen.
31:49Right, come on.
31:50Let's do another one from the top.
31:55Good evening.
31:56Oh.
31:57Hold that thought.
31:58Hold that thought.
31:59Oh, it's from the forest.
32:01What is up?
32:03Eh.
32:04What are they calling me now?
32:05Why can't they just start digging up the allotment without giving any notice?
32:08This is all your fault, you know.
32:10I could have been up there already if you hadn't insisted on staying in.
32:14So that I could pretend to be a bloody Nazi.
32:16I'll.
32:17Eh, hi.
32:18I meant hi.
32:19Just put the damn phone down.
32:21I need to get the audition to Sally before two o'clock.
32:24Which means I've got no time to edit out your nonsense.
32:26Never mind a bloody audition.
32:28This is about saving a place your mother held most dear.
32:31I can't but.
32:32Okay.
32:33That's a sign.
32:35That's all.
32:35Okay.
32:36Hello Darren.
32:38Alright.
32:39Daisy.
32:40Alright Richie.
32:43You alright mate?
32:45I meant to be meeting my dad here.
32:47My real dad like.
32:49Found out who he was.
32:51Turns out he didn't move to America and invent the floppy disk.
32:56Found him a few weeks back but it took me a while to.
33:03Sent him a letter saying I'd be here at half ten if he wanted to meet me.
33:06Maybe he got held up.
33:08Or eh.
33:10Maybe he got the deer on.
33:11I mean that's dad's fear.
33:12That's what my dad would do.
33:13Um.
33:14Or maybe he wanted to come.
33:18But got a bit scared.
33:23Oi you thieving git!
33:26The tree.
33:28Oh.
33:29Right.
33:32Take care mate.
33:34Alright Richie.
33:35Come on.
33:38Richard are you coming or what?
33:40We shall not be moved.
33:42We shall not be moved.
33:43We shall not be moved.
33:45We shall not be moved.
33:47We shall not be moved.
33:47We shall not be moved.
33:47The drink of drugs really took us to all of my work.
33:50I was a frogman betrayed.
33:52You see.
33:53I started seeing things under the water.
33:56So I got let go.
33:58After claiming I had a conversation with Shergar in the Thames.
34:03is there literally anyone else here i can talk to what's going on who's in charge here i can be
34:09well which one is it me my days of playing second fiddle to you pritchard are over for it is
34:17not in
34:18the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves we gave written permission for work to begin on this
34:25land weeks ago i have been emailing the save our allotment email address constantly to
34:31no response the contact i was given was horace williams
34:38well richard are you going to answer the lady oh written permission or no this is an outrage
34:45the people have the power and the people shall not be moved yeah they pass around exactly and free
34:54nelson mandela what no no no but it's that type of thing isn't it we shall not be moved
35:00we shall not be moved we shall not be moved we shall not be moved we shall not be moved
35:09excuse me do you mind moving sorry if you could just move just move thank you
35:14emily i don't think so buddy i just need to speak to her for a minute i said no man
35:19look i don't want a
35:19confrontation here but you need to know that i am trained in stage combat well i think you should
35:23probably know that i'm a black belt in taekwondo well you you also need to know that my hamstring
35:28is a bit tight actually and it wouldn't be a fair fight yeah and you wouldn't be able to run
35:31away
35:31as fast and can you can you just stop standing there with your fists clenched i mean honestly
35:36this was just a big misunderstanding hello ben ken i've been speaking with mother and we think it's
35:41only right that she shouldn't talk to you right now hello ken ladies will you please just let me
35:45do my job and protect you protect us from who them what's she say how could kissing him be a
35:50misunderstanding i mean you can't exactly get us mixed up i mean look at him you get me in the
35:55gym
35:55for six months and i'll look like you six yeah well only if i trained you and you followed a
36:00strict
36:00diet regime oh i'd take your head deal if i was you son it's not actually offering it that are
36:05you
36:05no yeah i thought so ladies and gentlemen please create a pathway and work is about to commence
36:14quickly attach yourself to the person next to you or forming a blockade or a wall as you will to
36:20stop
36:21the diggers getting in why have you got so many pairs of handcuffs do you really want to answer to
36:24that question why do we even need handcuffs why don't we just sit down to stop the diggers what
36:29are you doing hey this way i can keep an eye on you oh great make sure the gate is
36:34blocked we must
36:35form a human centipede oh okay i think you mean chain mr williams be better keep your positions remember
36:41your motivation you're part of a wall if you need to draw on anything draw on your favorite wall i'm
36:47using berlin so you can't use that one richard fine i'll be the great wall of china no i want
36:52that one
36:54everyone i am the great wall of china well i can't see a digger getting through here
37:02the diggers are already inside what
37:07you didn't think to check thank you
37:15right well at least you can unlock us from these where are the keys
37:18what do you say the keys for the handcuffs as mcbeth said my dull mind was wrought with things forgotten
37:27you haven't got them no brilliant
37:31i was a frogman betrayed you see got let go after claiming i had a conversation with shergar in the
37:38thames one of the builders have got to get some bolt cutters you should be out of cuffs soon
37:43can i get anyone water have you got any sparkling or with added electrolytes just water
37:51well looks like we're gonna be here for a while then anyone want to play i spy no no no
37:58what about
37:59the minister's cat richard you were very good at that they're full of all showy no i'm fine mr williams
38:10i was worried you'd maybe fallen out with me bed minister's cat is an adorable cat no nothing like
38:16that i've just been doing some thinking it's just a sense of messages quite a few actually somebody
38:22needs to do b did you well i haven't got them that's because you don't put your mobile data on
38:27oh god my
38:29mom never did that either it was infuriating she thought getting a text message outside the house would
38:34bankrupt her don't think anyone else is playing the thing is ken i've been thinking about your proposal
38:42and i know i said yes at the time but maybe that was a bit rash of me what's she
38:47saying richard
38:50she's she's saying that she's been thinking about your proposal and
38:58even though she said yes at the time that maybe it's a bit rash she's got a rash do you
39:04need someone
39:05to interpret for me as well tell him richard he's a lovely man a wonderful man you're a lovely wonderful
39:15man and i'm so very glad i met him even thinking about getting married to him has taught me something
39:21something that maybe i can love again maybe in the future not now just not now
39:36i'm so very happy that i met you and even thinking about marrying you is this you i'm
39:45what do you think right i'm gonna say this in the third person right she says that even thinking
39:52about marrying you has taught her that she could love again but just not now oh i see no not
40:06now not now
40:07right okay not not now right i am sorry you say sorry no no no don't don't be sorry come
40:21on
40:21all right i have maybe just got a wee bit carried away yeah maybe i did too
40:31you're gonna be okay pancake yeah you'll be fine how do you turn this mobile data thing on
40:37oh um you just there you go oh well it's beeping all over the place you have seven new messages
40:49first
40:50message received today at 10 34 a.m hello beth it's ken here ken
40:57richard uh yeah again you can't take my uh call right now so i'm i'm leaving you a message after
41:04the dawn sorry bye then i better call him back you just spoke to him oh yes so i did
41:13are you winding me up hey just trying to hear beth i want to say sorry i'm not telling you
41:18please tell me you hung up it used to be that nothing good has ever come from your mouth that
41:23started
41:23with it used to be that it used to be that when you put the phone down that was it
41:29it was hung up
41:30now it's all blooming buttons and things now there's just one button you press once oh brilliant what a
41:36fantastic way for everyone to know that i'm in love with emily just as she's about to fly halfway around
41:40the world with the world is uh is my mobile data on i very much doubt it
41:58i was a frogman betrayed you see
42:16well we made a great job of looking after the allotment for your mother didn't we yeah
42:22see you though
42:25that's well we've still got a train station haven't we okay
42:44oh hey emily please don't go to new zealand what wow this guy does not quit i actually have to
42:55hand
42:55it to you assistance is one of the key fundamental tenets of success he did a podcast about it you
42:59don't want to be with him he does podcasts i've never seen him laugh i can laugh well go on
43:04then
43:05well but just now it's so easy yeah sure i mean i'll i'll i'll laugh like
43:12wait that doesn't count no no where it's me
43:18come on i win do you feel like a winner no not really don't listen to him emily you're gonna
43:25love
43:25new zealand i've made loads of plans for us to get lost in the moment you're forward planning us getting
43:30lost in the moment well yeah you said you wanted to do more of that right tim you're a lovely
43:37guy
43:37okay a wonderful guy in fact and you know i am so very happy that i met you
43:46you know even thinking about moving to new zealand with you has taught me something but
43:51that maybe one day i can move to new zealand in the future wait this is exactly the same thing
43:57that
43:57my mom just said to ken the template's the same sure so you're breaking up with me i'm i'm sorry
44:07you're you're a really lovely guy yeah you're really nice shut up sure well it's there it goes
44:19this might be the wrong time but do you fancy going for dinner tonight too soon it's too soon
44:25yeah yeah i thought it might be richard you have had since we were 16 to ask me out i
44:30mean you could
44:30have asked me out three months ago but you chose to go to norway i've always been plan b you
44:37were my
44:38plan a not now tim sorry no i am gonna go traveling i'm gonna do it on my own you
44:44know for once in my
44:45life i'm gonna do something just for me no i get it but just to be clear you don't want
44:51me to come
44:52with you what's happening i have no idea
45:10you're gonna have to hang around until the police get here i'm afraid police we found bones on the
45:15earth bones what kind of bones chicken bones yeah they stopped digging because they found someone's
45:19kfc human bones oh i sporeolic we don't know but all work will need to be halted until further notice
45:26excuse me excuse me excuse me excuse me
45:37this is a bit distasteful
46:07oh hello i wanted to give you this oh tim's asked me to go to new zealand with him
46:15just till he settles in thought you could look after this till i get back
46:22all right it's a pear tree its blossom is meant to represent lasting friendship
46:35you don't get nothing
46:42kind of heavy
46:48yeah why not
46:54oh bugger i've left my phone it's all right i'll get it
47:15hello there
47:18all right
47:22sorry about earlier i just
47:26couldn't
47:31what you got there it's a plum tree
47:35i like plums
47:39me too
47:55what you got there
47:56for god's sake are we going to get in this brain have you got on the phone
48:00yes dad
48:24so where are you going to go then
48:27tbc
48:28to be continued
48:30to be confirmed
48:32or that tbc
48:38well when you get back i'll still feel the same
48:42well thanks for finally telling me how you feel
48:47even if it wasn't a voicemail from your dad to my ex-boyfriend's mum
48:52well i guess i figured what's the modern-day equivalent of a message in a ball
48:58i can't believe i've messed this up so badly
49:02i'm not saying never richard
49:06i guess
49:07me and you can be tbc for now
49:10to be confirmed
49:12to be continued oh the other one this time
49:17have you ever thought about auditioning for comedy roles i think you'd be quite good
49:21casting directors disagree
49:24why don't you write your own show hello jen
49:31what would i write about
49:34ladies and gentlemen a toast to the greenfield allotment who love to fight another day
49:42and uh well we're celebrating my wife and i would like to announce that we have decided to renew our
49:47wedding vows
49:49oh and you're all invited
49:52oh no no no sorry
49:54shirley
49:55i didn't see you there
49:57three stars on trip advisor indeed
50:01anyway on with the party
50:10you all right yeah i think so
50:15so what now what now
50:19well we're going to get up
50:21we're going to get dressed
50:23and we're going to keep buggering on
50:33sally hi richard i've just heard back it's a no i'm afraid
50:38right but the casting director wants to ask if the other actor was available
50:43which actor the one meeting the other lines
50:51are you taking the piss
50:54you
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