- 9 hours ago
Only Child S02E03-4 (2026)
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TVTranscript
00:02Okay, ready?
00:04That's a load of bloody nonsense.
00:06Aye, yes, or...?
00:07I've been driving for 50 years.
00:08I learnt to drive in an ice cream van, for Christ's sake.
00:11You learnt to drive in an ice cream van?
00:13Yes, things were a wee bit more relaxed in my day.
00:16But honestly, why have I got to re-sit my tests anyway?
00:19You drove into a swimming pool?
00:21Once.
00:21That's not a three-strike system, Dad.
00:23Right, okay, you're tested at 2 o'clock,
00:24so we've got a few hours to go through everything.
00:26Now, first up, they're going to test your eyesight, okay?
00:29So you have to be able to read a licence plate from 20 metres away.
00:33CV-59MXT?
00:35Yeah, not your own.
00:37Okay, here we go.
00:421, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.
00:57Yeah, this is fine.
00:58Yeah, Judge.
00:59I can see it quite clearly.
01:01No, you have to come here.
01:02What are you eating?
01:03Eh?
01:04Come here!
01:05I can't hear you from there, Richard.
01:0919, 18, 17, 16, 15.
01:13Can you hear me now?
01:14Eh?
01:14Course you can't.
01:1514, 13, 12, 11.
01:18Oh, 11.
01:19Ah, ah.
01:20Great.
01:20How can I help you?
01:22The number, please?
01:2320 metres?
01:24Oh, yes, yes, you mentioned.
01:26Yeah.
01:26Yeah, I did.
01:27So follow me.
01:3012, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.
01:38Now?
01:39Yes!
01:40Now?
01:41Yes!
01:41No, it's all right.
01:41You've gone again.
01:4419, 18, 17, 16, 15.
01:49Okay.
01:50Have you been to the toilet?
01:52Yes.
01:52Number one and number two.
01:54Right.
01:55Then another number one, but I just remained seated for that one.
01:57I don't need to know that, Dad.
02:00Okay.
02:00So I think we should do this under test conditions to get you prepared.
02:04So for the next couple of hours, I won't be Richard.
02:08I'll be Benjamin.
02:10You imagine?
02:11You?
02:12Oh, me.
02:13Right.
02:16Do you mind?
02:18I'm taking time out of my busy schedule to help you.
02:22All right.
02:23Schedule.
02:24Still.
02:25Aw, it's from Beth.
02:27She's tagged me on a picture of her new sunflower plant on Facebook.
02:31Isn't that lovely?
02:33I'll just give her a wee poke.
02:35Lovely.
02:36Thought you'd given up on Facebook.
02:38I didn't.
02:39But then Beth showed me how to use it properly.
02:42And she doesn't roll her eyes when I ask questions.
02:45I post all the time now.
02:47Do you?
02:50Dad, what are these?
02:52These aren't posts.
02:54They're complaint emails you've written on your wall.
02:57What wall?
02:58I'll be in bank.
03:00B.T.
03:01To whomever it may concern, my landline hasn't been working for six weeks now.
03:06Hmm.
03:07Despite repeated emails.
03:08Well, you mean Facebook posts.
03:10When will you be sending someone out?
03:14Oh.
03:15I worry about my son when he is in the house alone as he will have no way of communicating
03:20with me if he needs his dad.
03:22I mean, what the hell?
03:24You posted that on Facebook.
03:26That'll be why no bugger's replying to me, is it?
03:28I mean, what were you thinking?
03:28You just type it anywhere and somehow it'll get to them.
03:33800 likes.
03:34All laughing emojis.
03:36Emily.
03:37Emily.
03:37I'm happy to go round and let him out for a pee.
03:40Oh, amazing.
03:41Oh, she's very funny, her.
03:43Very funny.
03:44Outdoor swim done.
03:46And off to brunch with my fave.
03:48That'll be Tim.
03:49Yes, I know that.
03:52Okay.
03:52Lesson number one.
03:54Checking your phone in the car is an automatic fail.
03:57No more distractions.
03:58No more phones.
03:59Okay?
04:04Sally.
04:04Hi.
04:05Richard.
04:06How are you?
04:07I'm, er...
04:08What it is, I just heard from a little birdie that there's going to be a Detective Manners
04:12spin-off.
04:13Seriously?
04:14Now, I don't know which character it's going to focus on, but I'll find out by the end of
04:18the day.
04:18I mean, it has to be you, doesn't it?
04:20Your character was the best character as far as I'm concerned.
04:23Erm, well, thanks Sally.
04:25Yes.
04:25Which one were you again?
04:27Dr. Sparrow.
04:29Sparrow.
04:29Spell it.
04:30S-P-A-R-R-O-W.
04:33Oh, W.
04:33Yes, that's right.
04:34Unforgettable, Richard.
04:35I'll be in touch.
04:38Well, that was interesting.
04:41Sorry, I can't say anything about it yet.
04:43Oh well, that's fine.
04:44What it is, is it probably means I'm going to get my own TV show.
04:47By the way, I tell you I bumped into Catherine Rutherford the other day and her wee granddaughter.
04:51Many times.
04:52They've apparently decided to go on their first family holiday together and they can't decideā¦
04:57Can't decide whether to go to Portugal or Turkey.
05:01Oh.
05:02Well, where do they end up choosing?
05:04What do you mean where do they end up choosing?
05:05It's your story.
05:06You know they chose Turkey.
05:07Who did?
05:09Starting from now, I'm Benjamin.
05:12And when you think it's safe to do so, turn on the engine.
05:20Is it safe?
05:22Yes.
05:23It is safe.
05:24It is perfectly safe.
05:25Now, let's go.
05:31Check your mirrors.
05:33Check your mirrors.
05:34Check your mirrors.
05:35Check your mirrors.
05:36Check your mirrors.
05:36There it is.
05:37There it is.
05:40Oh look.
05:41See.
05:41That's 17 degrees there.
05:43See that.
05:49And we're on.
05:52It's okay.
05:53It's okay.
05:55engine on biting point and gas
06:03it's good engine on
06:06biting point gas
06:11okay right what you need to do i know how to start a bloody car evidence would suggest otherwise
06:18it's you you're making me nervous that's not me is it it's benjamin i hate to tell you
06:24but benjamin's turning out to be an almighty prick
06:34and we're off that's set up to 18 now yeah maybe think about second
06:41hey why have we stopped what did you say i just asked you to put the car into second gear
06:46oh
06:47all right we're turning right up ahead
06:53i can't drive the car and listen to you at the same time it's a driving test you need to
06:58take
07:04instruction
07:04that's down to 17 now what's this obsession with the temperature
07:09hey
07:22good okay mr pritchard in a couple moments time i'd like you to attempt a reverse parallel park
07:30oh look there's tim oh god i'll just give him a wee beep no the horn is to alert your
07:36presence to
07:37other drivers not to greet pedestrians i always think it's polite to beep somebody you know
07:42what is it with you and beeping at people the minute you recognize them honestly it's like
07:45when you used to drive me to school you'd beep at anyone who passed who was wearing a school uniform
07:48it was madness every morning i'd end up waving at my entire class i look like the queen
08:02richard you beeped well my dad did again hello what are you two up to then quick driving lesson
08:07bit of father-son bonding eh yeah i miss that but on a day like today when the old sun
08:12parts those
08:13dark gray clouds i think yeah that's him shining down on me yeah apparently he's meant to rain later
08:21mr pritch um do you mind if i call you mr pritch oh yes yes yes well my dear old
08:26mum she's coming
08:27with me to avimor next week i'm running a 10k and um she just wondered if you'd mind keeping her
08:33company at the finish line oh lovely i've actually just finished giving her a wee poke there
08:39um you tell your mother i'd be absolutely delighted okay take care and uh stick with the driving richard
08:47yeah no no i can drive it's him that can't drive i passed my test when i was 17 10
08:5310. give him a wee
08:56beep i'll just drive
09:05what are you doing who are you waving to that was jordan dimmster you don't need to beep every time
09:13you don't even watch that this thing we've ever been wet our face we're close friends then
09:22come on i'm coming
09:25what are you doing you're driving oh it'll get cold
09:36what are you doing
09:37oh my god
09:38i can't stop you
09:42is that me they're tooting
09:48so did i pass is that a serious question you mean i failed multiple times
09:56hey
09:58well what do we do now i don't know dad i didn't realize things had gotten so bad
10:04oh away
10:06there's one or two wee hiccups
10:09nothing major
10:10what about when you nearly hit that lollipop lady
10:12well what the hell was she doing standing in the middle of the bloody road anyway
10:17look
10:19maybe she just
10:20use the bus from now on
10:22i mean it's free oh it's free when it turns up
10:26we're gonna have to postpone your test
10:28oh come on for heaven's sake what's happening let's not be defeatist
10:32not being defeatist i'm being realistic realistic
10:36realistic richard can i tell you something son
10:4190 percent of my life is spent working around the things i'm not allowed to do anymore i'm not
10:46allowed to go hill walking i'm not allowed to eat grease if i see somebody with bright green hair and
10:51pins sticking out their face i'm not allowed to mention it if i don't get my license back
10:56that is just one more thing in my life that's closed off to me
11:00and you know what there comes a point when you just think to yourself
11:05what is the use
11:07what's my use
11:12okay
11:14i suppose we could give it one more try
11:18really
11:20if you listen to me and do exactly as i say
11:24i will can i will i will
11:27engine on
11:31mirrors
11:34oh who's there seeing jen unbelievable
11:41hi ken
11:42dr sparrow good to see you behind the wheel again ken
11:45i don't suppose you give us a lift to the pub we need to open and we're running a bit
11:49late
11:49afraid no
11:50all for good of you ken
11:51yeah yeah thanks lads don't mention it
11:54yeah so being anywhere nice the old marriage counseling again she can't get enough of us
12:00i asked if she did loyalty cards
12:03she didn't laugh
12:05not even a flicker
12:07yeah how's that all going
12:09that's fine
12:09grand
12:10grand
12:14oh what's that my love
12:17just what you said in there
12:19what did i say in there
12:21just about me using laughter as a way of not dealing with things
12:26i didn't say that did i
12:30yes
12:30which is fine
12:35i suppose she said it but you sort of did a nod along
12:39a nod along
12:40this traffic's taking quite a while isn't it
12:42right
12:45so did you mean to nod along or
12:48well i suppose if i did nod along then um
12:51you know maybe she might possibly have something
12:54so you agree with her i think it might be um temporary traffic lights
12:58i don't i don't agree with her you don't do it all the time
13:01it is it's uh temporary traffic lights
13:03i do it some of the time do i
13:07maybe some of the time maybe
13:10maybe
13:11you see that's up to 19 degrees now
13:14is that that's strange
13:25i think we might just walk the rest of the way lads
13:27are you sure
13:28yeah i mean the pub's right there to be fair
13:32thanks for the lift
13:33no worries
13:43why come on lights green
13:51you said you had the keys you feckin eejit
13:55turn the wheel keep turning the wheel stop turning the wheel and checking your blind spot
14:01where is that again
14:03good this is good just maintain the speed
14:08oh and braking to a halt
14:13and brake on
14:15great you're doing great
14:17don't patronize me she cannot win with you
14:34oh
14:35oh god
14:37uh change of planning me it's your turn
14:39hey
14:39now
14:42now dad
14:43oh
14:43oh
14:44you lost your bloody mammals
14:55okay nice well done
14:57sure where the hell am i going
14:58just follow tim for a bit
15:00what follow tim yeah that's right
15:02following a pedestrian that's part of the test now is it
15:04you never know they update it all the time
15:07okay right right all right all right all right
15:11there he is there he is keep up i'm keeping up i'm keeping up right floor it
15:15oh this is blooming mad that you will pass this test or not what the hell has got it in
15:20into
15:21all right richie
15:25what am i likey
15:26are you okay digsy
15:28aye i'm fine
15:31hello darren sorry about the hurt
15:34ah no worries oh nice petunias
15:37i am yeah
15:38yeah i mean i mean the flowers oh they are yeah
15:42i'm getting into hot hot
15:44hot hot
15:46hot
15:46horticulture
15:47that's the one
15:48ah well that's good son that's great
15:51aye
15:51that that'll keep you out of trouble
15:54yeah
15:54oi
15:55keep that back
15:56take care yeah
16:01oh great now tim's gone well done
16:05well that'll be me failed again is it
16:15there you go what's happening
16:18well thankfully she updates her stories quite a lot so i'm sure she'll post through their meetings
16:21soon
16:25it's not a stalking i'm saying nothing
16:30sounds a wee bit like stalking to me though well that's not saying nothing is it
16:34oh come on why is it so important that we have to find out where they're meeting anyway
16:38because i think tim is about to propose to emily
16:41you're a big galoot you honestly why didn't you tell her how you felt about her years ago
16:48i don't know it's just always been this potential between me and her
16:52i guess i felt that as long as it stayed potential then i couldn't mess it up like everything else
16:59but now the idea that there won't even be a chance and that i've waited too long
17:08yes we're in we're at bonnie appetit right let's go
17:11right let's go let's go all right
17:12so what's the plan i don't know oh marvelous
17:29what now
17:31i don't know just observe i suppose that's your big romantic gesture is it just a spy on her just
17:38give me a minute
17:42why is she laughing so much that's our thing listen i don't mean to rush you but my test isn't
17:48half an
17:49hour you're all right oh no you don't oh so you're allowed to beep now are you stay there
18:00emily tim uh i thought that was you hello richard hi what are you up to uh just giving my
18:08dad a final
18:09driving lesson before his test because i can drive right ah sort of i mean don't call you three prang
18:15pritchard for nothing none of those were my fault guys oh thank you looks nice thank you
18:24i should let you eat because otherwise it'd be weird
18:28well uh tell mr pritch good luck from us i take it you've uh called the swimming pool to warn
18:33them
18:34he's back on the road yeah i should shouldn't i oh this is nice catching up we should do this
18:50more
18:50often the three of us or i could bring someone right bring your dad no i meant a girl if
18:55i met a girl
18:56i would bring a girl yeah yeah just just let us know was there anything else no that's all folks
19:08i've never done that before in my life oh yeah how'd that go
19:24i was meaning to ask actually uh what's the food like here uh well we don't know because uh some
19:31guy keeps interrupting us before we can take a bite oh right right um well do you want to take
19:37a bite
19:37now well you want to watch oh yeah yeah okay sure i'll i'll try some moist
19:48and how how does it uh taste like eggs oh excellent or should i say excellent no no i've
19:55also been meaning to ask um uh you know this one tim what is an egg is a vegetable or
20:01what food
20:02group would you put it in then egg is a member of the protein food group egg is a member
20:08of the
20:08protein food of course of course excellent i've done that one did you fall over today well i think
20:14i've um i think i've got the information i came for uh so i i uh i shall bid you
20:19head you
20:23okay bye go back come on you can do it go go go go go back i'm sorry i'm sorry
20:34to do this mister
20:34you just keep your hands on the table where i can see them wait are you in on this is
20:40this one of your
20:41jokes that i don't get yeah i just want to make it clear i have nothing to do with this
20:45okay well i
20:46wanted to show you i'm getting my own tv show oh well that's that's that's great richard but um
20:53now might not be the best time yeah i wasn't gonna say anything but uh you forced it out of
20:57me tim
20:57yeah it's a doctor spiral spin-off okay well that that's amazing congrats man is that everything
21:06is that everything is that everything okay well while you're thinking about it what is it you wanted
21:13to show me so no don't what's going on richards just don't make any decisions no what do you mean
21:19what does he mean i really don't know i just wanted to show you my dad's old ring oh oh
21:25did they
21:25clean it up all right yeah they did a really good job actually it's your dad's it's your dad's ring
21:35i saw my flowers in the jewelers and i thought i i don't
21:46saved by the horn yeah this has been this yeah i'm gonna go now
21:59i'm not hungry anymore no me either thanks for getting me out of that no i beeped you because i
22:07wanted you to go into the shop and put my lottery on no no just drive as quick as you
22:11can all right
22:12so how did that go i can't feel my legs oh i do right i'll just uh start my mirrors
22:18don't forget the
22:22mirrors just take your time you're shouting i'm panicked i'm sorry okay nice and easy engine on
22:32biting point accelerator
22:46go on get out i'm dry
22:53ah just nip in and do my lottery nope no no no it took a minute for heaven's sake
23:05who put that there
23:18all right richie what will you like
23:38ken pritchard don't mention it
23:44that's me if you'd like to follow me look i'm i'm sorry the driving lesson got about out of hand
23:51earlier you'll be fine dad and just so you know you have plenty of uses
24:01like a multi-tool
24:04yeah exactly
24:13good luck
24:23sally hi richard how are you please tell me you've got good news
24:27well you know i just might now tell me what was your character called again dr sparrow
24:35hello hello not judge basquia then
24:45oh my god
24:47oh my god
24:47you all right
24:48you all right
24:49what
24:54i failed
24:59so we remind ourselves to be in the here and now not in the past
25:05we're going to end by taking a few relaxing breaths
25:11in and out
25:15in and out
25:22in and out
25:27and relax
25:30thank you
25:34oh good you're awake that television's still not working
25:43wait for that engineer again
25:46numbers on the dining room table
25:48i think you must be the only man still alive to use one of these
25:52i'm not calling the engineers again they've been out twice already dad
25:55remember they told us we're just in a black zone for satellites
25:58what are you telling me that forest is more of a black zone than space
26:01well in forest no one can hear me scream
26:03hey
26:03or say anything
26:05what if i plugged the television into the computer
26:08oh what if i connected the toaster to the boiler
26:10or the kettle to the washing machine
26:12you're making a point here
26:13yes i am
26:14but it wouldn't work
26:14that's one
26:15so there's absolutely nothing i can do to get the television working
26:18looking to get in cable again
26:19i do not want the cable
26:21and i will tell you for why
26:23barbara cooks in at number four
26:25she got the cable
26:26it went awesome
26:42she fell down a manhole
26:44okay we won't get cable then
26:46listen we'd better get a move on
26:47we've got to get the train to abbey more
26:49that race starts out
26:50dude how many times dad i'm not coming
26:52why not
26:52well a i don't really want to watch emily cheer on her boyfriend doing a run
26:56and b you me and trains it just always ends in disaster
26:59like when
27:00like when i was filming in paris and i paid for you and mum to come over on the
27:03eurostar for your 70th
27:04your mother and i were in brussels for my 70th
27:07yeah exactly because you got the wrong eurostar
27:08and do you remember when you got there and i asked you to stay put because i'd come
27:11there to brussels to meet you
27:12uh where were you when i got there
27:14i think it could have been paris
27:15because you got the eurostar back to paris
27:18yeah i'm glad i did my meditation i'm really feeling the benefit of that
27:21listen emily is going to be there and you said you wanted to let her know how you feel
27:26oh dad that was a glaive eye talking i've missed the boat with emily
27:30i just have to accept that and move on with my life
27:32well i can't go without you
27:35why you know full well why oh come on we've been through this a thousand times right the train ticket
27:41is on your phone all you have to do is put the phone train ticket side down and scan it
27:45on the qr code
27:46what is a qr code no i'm not going through that again
27:50listen when i worked on the trains a train ticket was something you held in your hand
27:55a bit like that that is not a train ticket why does everything have to happen through a
28:00bloomin phone nowadays i mean what was wrong with the old ways you wouldn't even let me carry
28:05money in my pocket anymore dad you were carrying 34 pound 60 in loose change your trousers almost
28:10fell down in asda that is because i forgot to put a belt on come on it's just the way
28:14things are now
28:15everything's digital yes well i'm not
28:20agreed
28:27arms i mean um hi emily and tim and beth and everyone not just emily okay i called your dad
28:37about him sorting me out with some glue
28:44richard have you seen my prick stick
28:46pritt stick and no i haven't gene used to use it for the christmas cards you know to stick them
28:52down
28:53she read somewhere that licking the envelopes gives you the squirts oh lovely
29:00i like your t-shirt
29:03suckers yeah it's latin for juice yeah it's a small energy drinks company i started a few years back
29:09they're publicly endorsing me for this run is it definitely pronounced like that suckers yeah pretty
29:16so you're endorsing yourself with your own company called suckers yeah great just thought i'd check
29:26hey how'd you get on uh yes good and you don't need to pee now so mission accomplished in that
29:32sense yeah it's a bloody thing sorry again we can't fit you in the car ken it's just that there's
29:38not a lot
29:38of room what with the tim's energy drinks suckers yep that's all right though i'm more than happy to
29:46get the train it's absolutely no bother oh it's some bother are you having problems with your
29:51television oh don't remind me i'm actually thinking about getting one of those dodgy sticks
29:56dad how many times they're illegal no they're not what do you think dodgy means they are a bit
30:01illegal mr pritch glenn joyce has one oh that'll be the same glenn joyce who had a weed farm
30:05growing in her attic she was as surprised as anybody else to find that up there yeah if
30:09only she'd seen the security footage of her buying 800 led lamps
30:16yeah or or wondering why she always had the munchies yeah up high
30:22uh yeah sorry exactly here it is oh that's great it's for my go tim sign i always make one
30:32hold it
30:32up for him running past don't i you sure do only now i have to stick pictures of him onto
30:37it since
30:38the incident the incident well there was this race a few years back where another tim was running he ran
30:46past the sign and apparently i looked quite a bit like his mum what it was richard he hadn't seen
30:52her
30:52in 20 years they'd had a big falling out and he thought she'd come back to bury the hatchet
30:57he was quite down when he realized but it did make him decide to reach out to her oh oh
31:05that's nice yes
31:08turns out she died five years previous and he had no idea so now i'll stick pictures on
31:27what are you doing you're gonna miss your train no no i'm not going what i told you i don't
31:34know how
31:34to do the tickets once again technology has destroyed my time on the trains you mean when
31:40you took early retirement instead of learning how to use the card machine i'll be fine here
31:44just get a physical ticket at the station i don't want to anymore but dad all you've been talking
31:49about all week is how you were looking forward to spending time with beth that's the reason you're
31:53going was going i know what you're doing here i don't know what you're talking about you know
31:59fine well what i'm talking about you're thinking i'll just sit here looking sad until he gives in
32:04and comes with me well that is just not gonna happen
32:18that's that locked you think
32:22why have you got a bag it's only a 45 minute journey that's exactly enough time to watch an
32:26episode of something is your generation incapable of sitting with their own thoughts for any length
32:32that time i mean honestly why have you always got me attached to a device well i'm not attached to
32:37a device just now am i oh one minute
32:42sally hi oh richard hello bad news on the panto i'm afraid it's a no
32:47really i thought it went well yes they thought you were just a little bit too upbeat
32:52too upbeat for panto yes they were looking for a little more nuance in your portrayal
32:57the character was called hoinky doinky yes they said there was a little too much hoink and not
33:02enough donk for them also they didn't like you breaking the fourth wall it's a panto it's all
33:08to do with the director's vision or something i wasn't really paying attention to be honest
33:12anyway it's not the end of the world no oh yes it is too soon sorry bye sally okay
33:20it's still waiting to pay back on the crime watch reconstruction
33:33so are you going to do this ticket thing for me or not no i'm not because you have to
33:38learn how to do
33:39this stuff yourself to come on don't look so worried there's a nice girl there can i not show her
33:46my
33:47ticket no why not because this is quicker yeah they just seem quicker to me dad you can't stand
33:52in the way of progress all your life excuse me dying oh apparently you can would you mind just
33:57opening a barrier for me and i just show you my ticket it's just i'm useless with this thing i'd
34:02i'd much rather leave the house without it you do leave the house without it yeah no problem
34:06uh no we're fine thanks what we don't need your help so you don't want me to open the barriers
34:11for
34:11that's right i really don't mind letting them through a lot of older people are fine thanks
34:17you need to be rude i wasn't being rude i thought you were rude did you think he was rude
34:22i thought
34:22it was a little bit rude yeah why are you still here okay that was rude sorry come on dad
34:31we can do
34:31this just the way i showed you right unlock your phone two one five seven it's probably best not to
34:37do
34:37that out loud but uh one battle at a time find your ticket yeah yeah no that's your home screen
34:47and that's the calculator there's a calculator in there just give me the phone would you right
34:53okay scanner's there qr code on the scanner barriers open you walk through okay
35:02i just want me to just let you through yes please
35:15no want me to keep them open for you no no i don't because some people are able to do
35:21things in the
35:22correct and proper way so you want me to close on yes please
35:36that's all you needed to do do you see how simple that was
35:41i'll just scan it again no i won't let you scan it twice
35:46oh do you want me to open the barriers for you
35:51yes please
35:57very good very good that's how you do it give me that phone don't you
36:02i'm downloading your return ticket now and you're scanning that qr code on the way back if it kills
36:07me yes yes whatever you say where exactly are we going here i've got to see
36:13oh what's it now well i'm actually bursting for the toilet why there's a toilet on the train the
36:18train toilet must not be used whilst the train is stationary that's the first thing you learn when
36:24you become a conductor well you just need to hold on to it then oh you'd love that wouldn't you
36:27which
36:28bit of that would i love and could you not have mentioned this before we got through the barrier well
36:31i just need to go before i come through the barrier right can you be done and back in six
36:37minutes yes
36:38oh maybe your new pal could let you out right bring coat c seat 41. coat c seat 41 yes
36:46yes
37:01uh excuse me sorry i've actually got that seat boot
37:19oh
37:20thank you
37:31oh my
37:32what
37:34what's he doing
37:39no
37:42Oh, sorry, can I...
37:44Actually, I need to...
37:50Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
38:01Oh, yes.
38:03You're watching something already.
38:05You haven't.
38:06The train's not even moving.
38:08There you go.
38:09Ham and cheese.
38:12Bottle of water.
38:13Don't worry, it's sparkling.
38:16Lovely picket of cheese and onion first.
38:20And...
38:20A twirl.
38:22We're sharing that, mind.
38:23One finger each.
38:26Welcome aboard this Scotchdale service to Wick.
38:29Wick?
38:30Are we on the right train?
38:33...Dingwall, Alnace, Invergordon and Wick.
38:35Who the hell are you?
38:54What the hell is he?
38:59Is he pointing me up?
39:00Dad!
39:02Come here, Dad!
39:04Come here, Dad!
39:09Dad!
39:11My laptop.
39:13My laptop!
39:22Ah, eh, excuse me.
39:24I'm sitting in there.
39:26Thank you very much.
39:28I'll let...
39:28I'll get...
39:29Ah!
39:30Ah, that was close.
39:32Ha, ha, ha.
39:33Disaster averted.
39:34Ha, ha, ha!
39:37Huh?
39:38Ha!
39:45Huff.
40:15Hello there, excuse me, I'm
40:17I was just wondering, there's a lot of runners going about the place, you know, giving it that
40:22I don't suppose you've seen any men in lycra about the place, running about, you know, tight
41:01It'll be nice, isn't it?
41:03Oh, yeah, yeah, he's different
41:08Good luck, there he's now, go team, team, come on, sir
41:16Oh, I did it
41:24Oh, Richard
41:24Oh, you made it then, where's Ken?
41:27He's not here
41:27I know
41:29I meant he's not showing up here
41:30What, have you lost him?
41:31I didn't lose him, he lost himself
41:33You mean he's missing?
41:35It's okay, Mum, we'll have a circus and then we'll talk this through
41:39Yeah, yeah, we got split up on the train, I ended up in Beaulieu, I've got his phone, look, it's
41:42a long story
41:43Right, well, surely he'd just make his way back to Forrest
41:45Er, he wouldn't be able to buy a ticket
41:47Why?
41:48Some guy who made him stop carrying cash
41:50Richard
41:51It's okay
41:52I know the event organisers
41:54They'll keep an eye out for him
41:55They've got people stationed all around the circuit
41:57Hey, hi, yeah, it's me
42:00I just...
42:00No, 39 minutes, 26 seconds
42:03Yeah, no, I think it is a new personal best
42:07Sorry, yeah, listen, I need you to just do something for me
42:09Er, Beth, why don't you and Tim take the town, you know, streets, tea shops, that sort of thing
42:15Pikes, scones, what have you
42:17Aha, yeah, me and Richard will take the woods
42:19Look, chances are he's probably got lost trying to find the finish line
42:22Yeah, no, I'm sure you're right
42:23Yeah, well, pasta for breakfast is controversial these days
42:26But, to be honest with you, I think he gave me the edge
42:28Tim
42:30Your grey hair, yeah, glasses
42:34Yeah, just, um, shoes, he's wearing shoes
42:43Jean?
42:48No, no, no, it couldn't be
42:51Sorry to bother you
42:54It's just I thought
42:57But it couldn't be
43:07Mr. Britch
43:08Mr. Britch
43:11Mr. Britch
43:16Ah, my ankle
43:19Oh, God
43:20Right, hold on
43:22Don't touch it
43:23What did I just say?
43:25Sorry
43:26Let's get this off
43:32All the others were in the wash
43:33Well, that is just lovely
43:39Okay, does it hurt if I do this?
43:41Ah
43:42What about this?
43:43Ah
43:44Oh, that's interesting
43:45Is it broken?
43:46No, but I realised I can do this
43:48Ah, ah, ah, ah
43:51Staying alive, staying alive
43:53You're supposed to be a nurse
43:56Trust me, that is vanilla
43:57Compared to what we usually get up to
43:59It's fine, you've just twisted it
44:01But, uh, what do I do now?
44:03Have you made a will?
44:04Oh, hilarious
44:06Nothing
44:06Just give it a few minutes
44:16It'd be funny if we ended up having to eat each other
44:24I always forget that sometimes
44:27Silence is fine
44:30Yeah
44:44Ah
44:45That bumble bee man
45:00No, I need to stop
45:01Again
45:03Really, personally
45:05Right, if zombies ever attack
45:06Remind me never to make a run for it with you
45:10Watch out
45:18I'm sure Tim's got an ankle support with him
45:20I don't need Tim's ankle support
45:24Tim's ankle support
45:26It's quite a good name for a band, actually
45:29Hi, we're Tim's ankle support
45:31This is a song about the first time that you properly fall in love
45:34Are you in love with them?
45:36What?
45:36Sorry, what did you say?
45:37Nothing, nothing
45:38No
45:38Me too
45:42Do you not like Tim?
45:44Em, what, me?
45:46Not like, Tim, Tim, I mean
45:49I don't know, what does it even mean to like someone in the current climate?
45:53Okay, you don't like him
45:54I'm not a fan, but
45:55I, I, I don't know, it's
45:57He just doesn't seem like your type
46:01What is my type?
46:03Guys from forests, mainly
46:05Yeah
46:05Imagine wanting a change from that
46:09I know he seems a bit much sometimes
46:12But he's sweet
46:15He's comfortable in himself
46:18You know, he's a go-getter
46:20Things seem possible around him, you know
46:23He's actually thinking of moving to New Zealand for a year
46:26Is he?
46:27Is he?
46:27Really?
46:27Oh
46:29Yeah, I've heard it's beautiful
46:32He's asked me to go with him
46:33But the weather's meant to be terrible
46:35And I've heard it's prohibitively expensive
46:38This wellness retreat reached out to him on Instagram
46:41They want him to do a mind, body and soul workshop
46:43Whatever that is
46:45And I could get a nursing job easily enough
46:47Well, you've looked into it
46:50Well, a little bit
46:51I mean, it's New Zealand
46:53Sure
46:53And you've probably completed forests
46:55Anyway, by now
46:58I haven't made my mind up yet
47:00Cool
47:05Sorry for bringing up zombies earlier
47:07You know how scared you are of them
47:09What?
47:11Any horror film, really
47:13Every time we'd rent one
47:14You'd watch it with your eyes closed
47:15Yeah, but that's because
47:16It's the score that makes it scary
47:18So it's actually braver just to listen
47:21And you'd always fall for the jump scares
47:23Well, they shouldn't just come out of nowhere like that
47:25Oh, so you are scared of them
47:26No
47:26No?
47:27No!
47:28Alright
47:29Sorry for bringing it up
47:30Thank you
47:35Maybe we should look down by those trees
47:37Jesus!
47:39So immature
47:45Oh, bollocks
47:49So there you are
47:51At his ankle
47:53Where the hell have you been?
47:55Where the hell have I been?
47:57Coach C, Sheep 41
47:59Where the hell were you?
48:00I'm sorry, who's this?
48:02Oh, hey, I ended up joining a search party for this fella
48:06And I found him
48:07Matches his description perfectly
48:09He joined your own search party, of course he did
48:11Hey, Ken!
48:15Oh, you silly man
48:18You had me so worried
48:21Don't do that again
48:23Hey, you should replenish your fluids
48:25Take a sip of my suckers
48:26Have you guys been here long?
48:29No, we just got here
48:30So you didn't see anything?
48:32What?
48:32Nothing
48:34Can you take me back to my family now?
48:36Yes, I'll take you back to your family now
48:39She's been banging on about that for some time now
48:53What a day
48:55Where did your laptop end up?
48:58Glasgow
48:59Oh
48:59I had my whole life on that laptop
49:03Oh, look at that
49:05I was going to watch the untouchables tonight
49:08He puts one of yours in the morgue
49:10You put one of his in the hospital
49:13That's the other way about it
49:14What?
49:15He puts one of yours in the hospital
49:16You put one of his in the morgue
49:18That's the Chicago way
49:20Who are you doing?
49:21Honestly, I give up
49:23Right, Dad, I'm knackered
49:24Go on to bed
49:26Night, night
49:27Okay
49:28Good night, son
49:39You can stream it
49:41Oh, what?
49:42Watch it online
49:43Don't need the satellite for that
49:47There you go
49:48Marvellous
49:49Start in a minute
49:49Oh, thanks, son
49:54Oh, jeez
49:58Oh, jeez
49:59Oh, jeez
50:00Oh, jeez
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