- 21 hours ago
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00:00Chilly Chilly Chilly Chilly
00:03Chilly Chilly Chilly
00:04Chilly Con Conny
00:06Chilly Chilly Con Conny
00:09Chilly Chilly Con Conny
00:11Chilly Con Conny
00:12Ken Pritchard's Chilly
00:13Chilly Con Conny
00:16I tell you
00:18Bess will not be able
00:20to resist my famous chilli
00:22Your mother never could
00:24She will be putty in my hands
00:31Oh there you are, are you enjoying your book?
00:35Don't enjoy Stanislavski Dad, you learn
00:39you embrace
00:40you transcend
00:41You've got cowboys innit? Sure
00:44Oregano, oregano please
00:48Erm
00:49I've been meaning to say about the other day
00:52in the woods with Emily
00:54I don't know what you saw
00:56or what you think you saw
00:58Erm, but it's nothing
01:00Yeah, right, right, okay
01:02Yeah?
01:05What is that I meant to have seen?
01:07Are you saying that you
01:09didn't see?
01:10I don't know
01:12Did you see anything?
01:16No
01:18Sorry, just ignore me
01:22Oregano?
01:22I thank you
01:24I thank you
01:27You mean the kiss?
01:35It is really important
01:37that when Beth comes round
01:38that you don't mention that me and Emily kissed
01:41Right
01:43Say no more
01:44Really?
01:46Great
01:47That was easy
01:49But I can mention it to Beth
01:51Sit back down again
01:55Don't mention it
01:57to anyone
01:58Mention it?
01:59No
02:01Don't mention it
02:02Well er, which is it Richard?
02:03Let's go with
02:05Don't mention it
02:05So I've not to mention it now
02:07Mentioning it
02:09was never an option
02:09Let's take mentioning it
02:11off the table
02:12Got you
02:13Do you?
02:14No
02:16Okay
02:18It's very simple
02:19Just don't talk about me and Emily
02:22in the woods
02:24at any point in time
02:26to anyone
02:27Mention it
02:28No, it's don't mention it
02:29It was only ever don't mention it
02:30Is that the way you always do it by the way?
02:33What?
02:34Kiss
02:34What's wrong with the way I kiss?
02:36When you kiss a lady on the mouth
02:38My life might be in the toilet
02:40But watching my dad when she's own hand is a low
02:43I will not stoop to
02:54What are you staring at?
02:55Er, that damp patch up there
02:57I should have painted that before Beth came over
03:01That's the first thing she's going to see when she walks in here
03:03I don't think so
03:05No?
03:06No
03:06I think she's far more likely to see the fly graveyard here
03:09Oh, that's your fault for making me put the spiders outside
03:13Right, you hoover that up
03:14and I'll paint over that
03:15Dad, how many times you're too old to be going to ladders at your age?
03:18Look, I'll hoover and you just ignore the paint
03:20I'll use the good ladders if that puts your mind at ease
03:23No, it's the fact you still keep bad ladders is my point
03:28I, er, I wanted to ask you something, sir
03:30Oh yeah?
03:32Ugh, salt pies
03:37It's, er, it's about Beth and your mother
03:41Do you maybe not want to eat something, Pyle?
03:44Oh, never mind
03:44Are you enjoying that?
03:45Mmm, I don't know
03:46Wouldn't you?
03:47We were too at this, actually
03:49Yeah, but that's why I said not to do it
03:51Don't have another bet?
03:53Yeah
03:53Yeah
03:57Well, it was just the other day
04:00I thought I saw your mother
04:03I mean, it was just for a second, you know
04:05And I knew it wasn't her
04:07But, er, well, I kinda went a bit tingly
04:11And I was wondering, maybe, if it was a message
04:15From your mother
04:16To say that me seeing Beth was hurting her feelings
04:23Do you want to know what I think?
04:25I do
04:26I think
04:28The dead don't send us messages
04:32I just think
04:33They want us to
04:35Carry on with our lives
04:38Okay
04:40Of course
04:41Thanks, son
04:42Sure
04:45Any time
04:47And just
04:48Maybe to clarify a wee bit, you know
04:51It couldn't actually have been your mother, could it?
04:54Like a ghost or something
04:57Dad, come on
04:58Don't be silly
04:59There's no such thing as ghosts
05:02Ah, sure
05:19Why are you wearing your painting clothes?
05:21Well, what else am I gonna paint in?
05:23No, no, we've been through this
05:24You're not painting in anything
05:25I'm not painting naked, Richard
05:27You're not painting at all?
05:28This'll only take five minutes
05:29Alright, fine
05:30End up in hospital
05:31See if I care
05:32Oh, don't be so bloody dramatic
05:33I'm just trying to look after you
05:35I don't know why you insist on making it so difficult
05:39Oh, and he's using the bad ladders
05:40Well, this is brilliant
05:42These are not the bad ladders, Richard
05:44It's just not as new as the good ladders
05:47Dad, they're a death trap
05:50Alright, fine
05:50Okay, you've got your way again
05:52I'll do it
05:52I'm not asking you to do it
05:53Dad, I'm doing it
05:55Alright
05:55Up you go then
05:56Well, I'm obviously not using these
05:57Where are the good ladders?
05:58They're out the back
06:00Why?
06:00Because I feel bad for these ladders
06:02And if I keep the other ladders outside
06:03Well, these ladders feel a bit more important
06:06Like they still have some kind of use in life, you know
06:09Sorry
06:09Are these Pixar ladders?
06:11Listen
06:11These ladders have seen me through countless paint jobs and gutter clearances
06:16I built your cot with these ladders
06:18Why the hell were you using a ladder to build a cot?
06:21In all my time, these ladders have laddered it
06:23These ladders are part of the family
06:25Okay, just so I get this straight
06:27You keep Buzz Lightyear out there to keep old Woody here's nose enjoying
06:30Is that Albie Lightyear's boy that works at the library
06:33What's he got to do?
06:34Okay, right
06:35I'm getting the good ladders
06:38Take no notice
06:47Sally, hi
06:48Richard, how are you?
06:50Well, you know
06:51Getting by
06:52Well, I wish you were
06:53Then I'd get my 10%
06:55Well, has anything come in?
06:56No, but I'm working on a plan for that
06:59Safe space, yeah?
07:01Sure
07:01The thing is, I've just come back from a course on diversity
07:04Which I was made to attend for reasons I'm not allowed to go into
07:06Some specky twat in HR's idea, you know
07:10Yeah, I'm starting to see why they made you do the course
07:12Anyways, one thing I learned was
07:14Apparently some disabilities are invisible
07:18Okay
07:19Yes, so what should we put you down for?
07:23What...
07:23What can we put me down for?
07:26You need a USP, Richard
07:27This could be it
07:28All I'm saying is if we add an invisible disability to your CV
07:31We might actually get you some auditions
07:34I don't have an invisible disability
07:36Prove it
07:37Well...
07:38Well, I can't
07:39Well, exactly, you see
07:40So, we are on the same page then
07:42No, no, we're not on the same page
07:44And I'm going to pretend this conversation never happened
07:46Why don't we start with snow blindness
07:48And see if we get any bites
07:50Always a pleasure, Sally
07:52Peppa gave me a list of every invisible disability tootsweet
08:01Help
08:03Mr. Pritch
08:04Help
08:05Mr. Pritch
08:06Help
08:09Help
08:09Mr. Pritch
08:11Help
08:12Oh my God
08:14Oh, I've fallen over the ladders
08:16Okay, right, just hang on a minute
08:18Let's get this up
08:21Okay, right, let's get you up
08:23Oh, my bag, my bag, my bag, my bag
08:24Right, change of plan, let's get you down
08:26Where's Richard?
08:28He's outside
08:29Okay, right, stay there, obviously, and I'll go get him
08:32No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
08:33He hasn't seen me
08:34Just please, don't mention it to him
08:36That's it, just help me up into the armchair
08:38No, I don't think I can do that
08:40Oh, please
08:41Please, Emily
08:42Let's just keep this between you and I
08:44He'll only get me into trouble
08:50Shut up
08:53Okay, okay, fine
08:54Here we, darling
08:55What would I do without you?
08:57No
08:57One, two, three
09:01Careful
09:02Careful
09:03Gentle
09:07Oh
09:11How are you feeling?
09:12Yeah, I'm all right, I'm all right, I'm all right
09:15Er, Mr Pritch, I wanted to catch you before Beth came over
09:21About what you might have seen in the woods the other day
09:24Oh, you're okay, you're okay
09:26I've already been brief to keep doing about the kiss by his lordship
09:30Oh, great
09:33And here, don't worry
09:34I'm going to talk to him about his technique
09:37He'll be ready for you the next time
09:40Oh, oh, okay
09:43Oh, the television, television
09:49Emily
09:50Hi
09:51Richard, hi
09:52Hi
09:53I was just chatting to your dad about
09:56You know, and
09:57How it would be great if you didn't mention anything about the
10:00The, er, you know, to Beth
10:02Yeah, er, he knows
10:06Knows what?
10:07That you've not to mention what you've not to mention
10:11Yes, yes, yes, yes
10:12I'm not going to mention it
10:14Great
10:15And if I do mention it, it'll be an accident
10:16Okay, erm, can you just be really deliberate about what you talk about?
10:21You know, stay clear of anything to do with, er, you know, kissing or lips or woods
10:26You don't leave me much else, is it?
10:27Dad, you could talk about literally anything else
10:29All right, all right, all right
10:32Cool
10:33Well, that seems sorted then
10:34Erm, actually, I do need to talk to you about something, too
10:38Definitely
10:40Dad, could you give us a minute?
10:46No
10:47No
10:53Yeah, sorry about him, I don't know what that was all about
10:57Okay, welcome to MTV Cribs
11:01This is where all the magic happens
11:04I mean, I joke, but it often was just me in here with an amateur magic kit
11:07It's smaller than I remember
11:09Yeah, I think that's because we've grown
11:10Yes, I didn't think the room had shrunk, Richard
11:13No
11:17So, how are you?
11:19I'm good
11:21Am I good? Don't know
11:22Erm, I need to talk to you about something
11:24That's so good, because I need to talk to you, too
11:26Since we kissed, it's like this fog has been lifted from my brain
11:30And I was worried you might have regretted it or you'd pretend it hadn't happened
11:34I'm going to New Zealand
11:37What?
11:42I'm going to New Zealand
11:47Sorry, just to be clear, this is with Tim
11:51It is
11:54Would it be weird if I came with you?
11:55Yeah
11:56Yeah, I thought the minute I said that, I thought it sounded weird
11:59I'm sorry
12:01Hey, forgot about it
12:04I mean, we could have an actual proper conversation about it, if you like
12:09No, it's fine, you're with Tim now, on the other side of the world, so it is the definition of...
12:18Oh, fine
12:20I'm sorry
12:23Actually, I'm not sorry
12:26I've found out of saying sorry all the time
12:28You know, I say sorry to people on the street who walk into me, I mean, what is that?
12:33And why do I do that?
12:34I don't want to be the sorry person anymore
12:36I want to be the person who in ten years' time can say, oh, New Zealand
12:41Yeah, I used to live there actually, you know? I want to be that person
12:46But you could lie about it
12:48But I want to go, I want to do things, I want to be in a Fleetwood Mac song, you
12:53know?
12:54I want to go my own way
12:56Well, if I could name another Fleetwood Mac song, Landslide, of which there are a lot in New Zealand
13:02I did a geography project on it in my fourth year at school
13:04But the only thing I have to be sorry for is that we kissed
13:10I don't do that
13:13I don't cheat
13:16I take it Tim didn't say
13:19No
13:20And I don't want him to ever find out
13:25It was a mistake, Richard
13:28Yeah, totally
13:32Richard! Where's the door?
13:35Can you not get it?
13:39No
13:42Hello, Richard
13:43Have you been crying?
13:45No
13:46You look like you've been crying, doesn't you, Tim?
13:48Yeah, bottom lip's definitely quivering there, mate
13:51Do you want to come in?
13:53Yeah, great
13:57Emily
13:57Hi, babe
13:58What are you doing here?
14:00I just thought I'd give Mum a lift
14:02What are you doing here?
14:03Oh, well, I knew you'd be giving your Mum a lift
14:05Because you're so bloody nice
14:07So I thought I'd meet you here
14:09Yeah
14:11And I'm here because I live here
14:16Hello, Beth
14:18What did he say?
14:19He said, hello, Beth
14:21Hello, Ken
14:25What did he say, Richard?
14:27Dad, can you just come through?
14:29No, no, I'm fine here
14:31Do you want us to come through, Ken?
14:32Do you want us to come through, Ken?
14:39What did she say, Richard?
14:41Shall we just go through?
14:42Yeah, yeah
14:43Why don't you bring them through here, Richard?
14:51Sorry about my appearance
14:53I was going to get changed
14:54I seem to have lost track of time
14:56Oh, I think you look nice
14:58I like an elasticated waistband on a man, don't I, Tim?
15:02She does, yes
15:05Hey, Richard, why don't you pop through and get some drinks for people?
15:09Maybe check in the chilli while you're at it
15:12Why can't you?
15:14Well, you might not just do that, please
15:23You couldn't pass me my book, could you?
15:27Yes, I could pass you
15:29I'd be happy to
15:34There you go
15:37Well, you couldn't pass me a tissue as well, could you?
15:40What?
15:41Yes, as well, yes
15:42I can do that
15:47I knew it
15:48You went up the ladder, didn't you?
15:49Yes
15:49And you fell off
15:50Yes
15:50Oh, Ken, are you alright?
15:52No, no, no, don't feel sorry for him
15:53I told him this would happen, didn't I?
15:55Yes
15:55Yes, yes, yes, yes
15:56What, and then you thought, oh, just keep it a secret for the whole evening
15:59And to top it off, you make Emily cover for you?
16:02Well, I'm keeping that many secrets at the moment
16:04It just seemed a natural thing to do
16:06Um, I think me and Tim should probably get out of your hair
16:08No, no, no, no, no, no, don't go on his account
16:11Honestly, it's that living with a bloody babysitter
16:13Maybe that's because you make me act like a babysitter
16:15Guys, would it help if we ran through some conflict resolution techniques?
16:19Lift the mood?
16:20Probably not
16:21No
16:21I mean, what if you'd actually hurt yourself, and for what?
16:23Just to make a point?
16:25Everything's a bloody lecture with you
16:26Er, fellas
16:27No, hold on
16:28All I want is for you to take care of yourself
16:30But instead you just insist on pretending you're a 25 year old instead of a 75 year old
16:34Seriously, guys
16:35Hold on, Tim
16:36Er, no, it's just that
16:37I really need to say this
16:37Sorry, guys, I don't want to stifle your truth
16:39It's just that the kitchen
16:40Sure you are
16:41You are an agent of chaos
16:43I refute that
16:47You see?
16:48Exactly my point
16:58Well, the good news is the rice is still fine
17:06That's most of it away
17:07I'm sorry about this, Beth
17:08Oh, not to worry
17:10I wasn't that hungry anyway
17:12We could do something else
17:16Have you got any board games?
17:18I do
17:19Where is that pub quiz one, Richard?
17:22No, it's out of date
17:23We're not going to eat it
17:24No, it's in it
17:25It's outdated
17:25I mean, one of the questions was
17:27Name the three sugar babes
17:30Is that wrong?
17:31Oh, yeah, it's wrong
17:32Because there's six sugar babes in total
17:34After all the line-up changes
17:35You know, with Heidi, Amal and Jade
17:37Coming in afterwards
17:38Whereas the question only relates to the original three
17:41You know, Mutia, Keisha and Siobhan
17:45Sorry, I don't know why I know
17:47So much about the sugar babes
17:49I know a game we can play
17:52Wee
17:54So, I'm a woman?
17:56Yes
17:56I'm Scottish
17:57That's right
17:59But I'm not an actor, musician, novelist or athlete of any kind?
18:05No
18:07I'll give up
18:08No, you can't give up
18:09Come on, you're almost there
18:11And why am I almost there?
18:12You've just got to keep asking
18:13Well, I...
18:15Am I a war correspondent?
18:17No, you're not
18:18But in time you could be
18:21What?
18:22Ugh!
18:24Who the hell is Celeste Frick?
18:27Who the hell is Celeste Frick?
18:29She is a reporter on the Forrest Gazette
18:33Easier than yours, to be fair
18:34No
18:35Right, okay, my turn
18:37Am I a fan of this person?
18:39Yes
18:39Stephen Bartlett
18:40No
18:41Gary Neville
18:41No, wait
18:42Jake Humphrey
18:43No, no, no, you need to ask more general questions
18:45Gordon Ramsay
18:45And the game's over
18:46Oh, no
18:47You haven't done me yet
18:49Am I still active?
18:51Date Colonel
18:54Cheers
19:15Oh my gosh
19:19Wow, what a guess!
19:21Bye bye!
19:22Yes!
19:23Thank you!
19:30Yes, yes, yes, yes!
19:35Praise you guys!
19:38The Earth's atmosphere is primarily composed of what?
19:43Two gases!
19:45Heart attack!
19:45High farts!
19:47I think you're along the right lines!
19:51Yes!
19:51Farts and hydrogen!
19:54Yes!
20:10Mind if I join you?
20:12Surprised you made it down the stairs.
20:13Yeah, well the pains these are the top of the whiskey kicking in.
20:18That and the dihydrocodine.
20:21Should you be taking that without a prescription?
20:23Oh, do shut up!
20:25Oh!
20:28Trouble is, I am 25 up here.
20:32I mean, I can get my head around not being able to drive.
20:36Well, almost.
20:39But being told you can't do a wee bit of painting, really.
20:44That's why I...
20:46That's why I keep the bad ladders.
20:48I know exactly what they're going through.
20:55Emily's moving to New Zealand with Tim.
21:00Yeah.
21:03That won't last forever.
21:09Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, son.
21:17I can't believe I'm going to quote Tim, but he once said,
21:22all we have is the future.
21:25And he's right.
21:28Everything else just goes by in a flash.
21:32I shouldn't have waited so long.
21:33I should have just done what my heart was telling me to do from the start.
21:41What?
21:43No, no, no.
21:44Nothing.
21:44Nothing at all.
21:45They sent me out to tell you that charades are starting.
21:48They're very excited about it.
21:53Oh, that's me seized up again.
21:55That's your fault for making me sit on this wall.
21:58My fault? Are you winding me up?
22:00You'll need to help me up.
22:01Go ahead.
22:05Tell them it'll be an hour.
22:07Don't be so bloody cheeky.
22:11Oh, it's a book.
22:13A book!
22:14I got it.
22:15Yeah, you're supposed to guess the name of the book, Mum.
22:16Oh, yes, of course.
22:18Moby Dick.
22:19Right, I need to mime it first.
22:21Is it How to Cope with Anxiety by Martine Koston?
22:24How would I mime that?
22:25I don't know, but it's a really good book.
22:28Okay.
22:30Film.
22:32Two words.
22:33First words.
22:34First words.
22:35High fidelity.
22:37Piss off!
22:38How do you just keep getting each other's, like...
22:41It's like you shared the same brain or something.
22:45Okay.
22:46No, I have a good one.
22:47No, but I just...
22:48On you go.
22:55Phrase.
22:56Phrase.
22:56Phrase.
22:57Phrase.
22:58Phrase.
22:59Phrase.
22:59Five words.
23:01First word.
23:02You.
23:03Points.
23:04Circle.
23:05Drawing.
23:06Woman.
23:06Lady.
23:08Biff.
23:08Give.
23:09Biff.
23:11Yes!
23:11It's me!
23:13Second word.
23:14Second word.
23:15Sound alike.
23:16Writing.
23:17Tablets.
23:18Tiny.
23:19Blocker.
23:20Eating.
23:21Snacks.
23:21It's a picnic.
23:22Pill.
23:22Pill.
23:23Sounds like pill.
23:24Pill.
23:24Pill.
23:25Dill.
23:25Will.
23:26Nill.
23:27Will.
23:27Will.
23:28It's will.
23:29Third word.
23:31You.
23:32What?
23:33Me.
23:34Mum.
23:37Will you.
23:38Beth.
23:39Will.
23:39You.
23:40Dad.
23:41Shut up, Richard.
23:42Fourth word.
23:43Oh, I'm having this.
23:44So much fun.
23:45Sounds like carry.
23:46Baby.
23:48Carrying the baby.
23:50Sounds like carry.
23:51Right.
23:51Come on.
23:52Larry.
23:53Barry.
23:54Mary.
23:59Fifth word.
24:01Me.
24:05Oh, Ken.
24:06I'd love to.
24:07Mum.
24:08Maybe take a minute.
24:10Also, can I just point out that my dad's on very strong peen killers right now.
24:14It's okay.
24:15I know what I'm doing.
24:23You'd better kiss the bride.
24:26And I'll make sure it's a better one than Richard gave Emily.
24:30What?
24:32Richard kissed Emily.
24:36Yes.
24:37But we're not supposed to mention it.
24:49Oh, yes.
24:52Sorry, but the person you are trying to reach can't take your call right now.
24:56Please leave your message after the tone.
24:58Hello, Beth.
24:59It's Ken here.
25:00Ken Pritchard.
25:01Yeah, again.
25:03You can't take my call right now.
25:06So I'm leaving you a message after the tone.
25:10Cheery-bye then.
25:12Emily.
25:13Can't take your call right now.
25:14Please leave your message after the tone.
25:17Emily.
25:18Hi.
25:19It's Richard again.
25:22But you'll already know that because my name comes up on your phone.
25:26Well, unless you've deleted my number, in which case it is 07700900.
25:33But then the phone would have logged that as well.
25:36But just in case, the final three digits are 5, 2, 1.
25:43Yeah, I'm actually just going to hang up now.
25:48So, cheery-bye then.
25:53Cheery-bye then.
26:01Just trying you here, Beth.
26:02Want to say sorry for not telling you about Richard and Emily kissing at the time.
26:06P.S.
26:06Are we still engaged?
26:08Cheery-bye now.
26:09How did you know I wrote that?
26:10Because you posted it on the forest WhatsApp group.
26:12Now the whole town knows about me and Emily.
26:14I did no such.
26:15Oh, I did?
26:16Oh, how have I done that?
26:19Oh, that's the replies coming in now.
26:21Oh, brilliant.
26:23What a fantastic way for everyone to know that I'm in love with Emily.
26:26Just as she's about to fly halfway around the world with her boyfriend.
26:30Gordon Cope.
26:31I wonder if he still kisses with his eyes open.
26:33Lol.
26:33What were you doing kissing Gordon Cope?
26:35I wasn't kissing Gordon Cope.
26:36He was just there.
26:37It was a school party.
26:38We were all playing spin the ball.
26:40I mean, I tried to sneak out.
26:41I'd never kissed a girl before.
26:42But then it landed on me and Emily.
26:44And of course I wanted to kiss her.
26:46She's not in front of the whole room.
26:47But then they all started chanting,
26:48Kiss her!
26:49Kiss her!
26:49And I did.
26:50But I just didn't realise that you had to close your eyes when you were kissing someone.
26:53So for years after, everyone called me...
26:56The Cyclops kisser.
26:57You see, this is why I wanted to talk to you about your technique.
27:00Obviously I don't kiss like that now.
27:03What, people still remember it?
27:04Oh, are you happy?
27:07Are you?
27:07That I can never leave the house again?
27:09How to make an already awful situation even worse,
27:12The Autobiography by Ken Pritchard.
27:14That's a terrible title for my autobiography.
27:16Oh, have you got a better one, have you?
27:17Yes, I have as a matter of fact.
27:19It was rhetorical!
27:20Shh!
27:21What have it?
27:22Pritchard and Prejudice by Ken Pritchard.
27:25Here.
27:26Or you could have pride in Pritchard, I suppose.
27:30Please stop!
27:37Are they still talking about how bad I am at kissing?
27:39No, no.
27:41They've moved on to something else now.
27:44What?
27:45How bad are you at acting?
27:50I hate his accent in Detective Manners.
27:52I'm using my real accent.
27:54He's completely wooden.
27:56One dimensional.
27:57Let's just hope he kisses better than he acts.
28:00Well, on the upside, it's good to hit rock bottom early in the day.
28:04I really freeze up your afternoon.
28:07Oh, apparently rock bottom has a basement.
28:11I thought people in forest liked me.
28:13I thought they were proud I was from here.
28:16No one on this is rooting for me and Emily to get together.
28:19I thought the whole town would be behind us like the end of a Richard Curtis film.
28:22Who's he again?
28:23He'd do The Wicker Man.
28:25No, Richard Curtis.
28:27Love Actually.
28:28Oh, I never saw that one.
28:29Notting Hill?
28:30Four weddings and a funeral?
28:31Oh, yeah, yeah.
28:32You see, there's a funeral at the end of The Wicker Man.
28:35Oh, this one just says useless twat.
28:45Sally!
28:46Hi.
28:47Richard, something's coming.
28:50Really?
28:51Why do you need me for this?
28:52Because Emily normally reads the parts in and it's my first TV audition in months.
28:56I'm not missing out on it.
28:58Right.
29:01Who am I playing again?
29:02You're playing anyone apart from Sebastian.
29:05You understand?
29:07That's the face you do when you don't understand but you're pretending that you do.
29:10Uh-huh.
29:10Uh-huh.
29:11Uh-huh.
29:11Okay, is that uh-huh as in you do understand or uh-huh as in you don't understand?
29:15Absolutely.
29:16Sure, okay.
29:17So what I've done is I've highlighted all the parts you're playing.
29:20Okay, so if the line is highlighted, you say it.
29:23Right?
29:23Okay.
29:29Richard Pritchard, represented by Sally Monteith.
29:32Um, and can I just say, even if I don't get the part, I think the script is fantastic.
29:37Don't creep, Richard.
29:37It's not becoming.
29:38Can you just...
29:40Right.
29:41Right, let's just, let's just try on it.
29:50What are you doing?
29:51It says there's jazz music playing in the background here.
29:54Yeah, we'll take that as red.
29:55Oh well.
29:55Please yourself.
29:56For the benefit of the tape, we're taking the jazz music as red.
30:00Can you not talk to the tape?
30:01Just do the lines.
30:07Good evening.
30:09I wasn't sure you were going to turn up tonight.
30:12Good evening.
30:14I wasn't sure you were going to turn up tonight.
30:19Did you have any trouble finding the place?
30:22Did you have any trouble finding the place?
30:26Yes.
30:36But you managed to get here without being seen.
30:39Yes.
30:41Drink?
30:41Quite heavy, if you're asking.
30:43Does it say that there?
30:44No.
30:45What does it say there?
30:45It says yes.
30:46Say yes then.
30:47Yes.
30:48The money on the table.
30:51Is it the amount we agreed on?
30:53Yes.
30:54Okay, now the waiter arrives.
30:56Oh, the waiter.
30:56Yes, the waiter.
30:59Yes?
31:00I'd like a martini.
31:01Would you like a martini?
31:04Yes.
31:06What?
31:07Is that all I ever get to see?
31:08I think my character would...
31:09You don't have a character.
31:11Right, just skip forward to when the German officer enters.
31:13Hmm.
31:15Ah.
31:17Fredericks.
31:17Are you well?
31:18Yeah.
31:19I mean, this is a bloody wind-up.
31:21Mademoiselle Arnault, this is General Fredericks.
31:25A very great pleasure.
31:26We talked about the accent.
31:27It needs the accent, Richard.
31:29A very great pleasure to meet you, mademoiselle.
31:32Or should I say, meet you again?
31:36It was you I saw sneaking around my quarters last night, wasn't it, eh?
31:41I'm afraid you are going to have to come with me.
31:45And scene.
31:45No, don't say and scene.
31:47Why not?
31:47Because I'm the actor.
31:48I want to say scene.
31:49Right, come on.
31:50Let's do another one from the top.
31:55Good evening.
31:56Oh.
31:57Hold that thought.
31:57Hold that thought.
31:59Oh, it's from the forest.
32:01What is up?
32:02Hey.
32:03What are they calling me now?
32:05Why can't they just start digging up the allotment without giving any notice?
32:08This is all your fault, you know.
32:10I could have been up there already if you hadn't insisted on staying in.
32:13So that I could pretend to be a bloody Nazi.
32:16I'll.
32:17Er, hi.
32:18I meant hi.
32:19Just put the damn phone down.
32:21I need to get the audition to Sally before two o'clock.
32:23Which means I've got no time to edit out your nonsense.
32:26Never mind a bloody audition.
32:28This is about saving a place your mother held most dear.
32:31I can't be...
32:32Okay.
32:33That's the scene.
32:34That's all.
32:35Okay.
32:36Hello Darren.
32:38Alright.
32:39Tizzy.
32:40Alright Richie.
32:43You alright mate?
32:45I meant to be meeting my dad here.
32:47My real dad like.
32:49Found out who he was.
32:51Turns out he didn't move to America and invented a floppy disk.
32:56Found him a few weeks back but it took me a while to...
33:02Sent him a letter saying I'd be here at half ten if he wanted to meet me.
33:06Maybe he got held up.
33:08Or eh.
33:09Maybe he got the day wrong.
33:11I mean that's dad's fear.
33:12That's what my dad would do.
33:13Erm.
33:14Or maybe he wanted to come.
33:17But got a bit scared.
33:23Oi you thieving git.
33:25The tree.
33:28Oh.
33:29Right.
33:31Take care mate.
33:34Alright Richie.
33:35Come up.
33:38Richard are you coming or what?
33:40We shall not be moved.
33:42We shall not be moved.
33:43We shall not be moved.
33:45We shall not be moved.
33:47We shall not be moved.
33:47We shall not be moved.
33:47The drink of drugs really took its toll on my work.
33:50We shall not be moved.
33:50I was a frogman betrayed you see.
33:53We shall not be moved.
33:53And I started seeing things under the water.
33:56We shall not be moved.
33:57So I got let go.
33:58After claiming I had a conversation with Shergar in the Thames.
34:02We shall not be moved.
34:03We shall not be moved.
34:04Is there literally anyone else here I can talk to?
34:07What's going on?
34:07Who's in charge here?
34:09I am.
34:10Well which one is it?
34:11Me.
34:12My days of playing second fiddle to you Pritchard are over.
34:16For it is not in the stars to hold our destiny.
34:19But in ourselves.
34:22We gave written permission for work to begin on this land weeks ago.
34:26I have been emailing the save our allotment email address constantly to no response.
34:32The contact I was given was Horace Williams.
34:38Well Richard, are you going to answer the lady?
34:41What?
34:42Written permission or no.
34:44This is an outrage.
34:45The people have the power.
34:47And the people shall not be moved.
34:50Yeah.
34:51They pass around.
34:52Exactly.
34:53And free Nelson Mandela.
34:55What? No.
34:56No.
34:56No, but it's that type of thing isn't it?
34:59We shall not be moved.
35:00We shall not be moved.
35:02We shall not be moved.
35:04We shall not be moved.
35:06We shall not be moved.
35:07We shall not be moved.
35:09We shall not be moved.
35:09Excuse me.
35:10Do you mind moving?
35:10Sorry if you could just move.
35:12Move.
35:13We shall not be moved.
35:14Emily.
35:15I don't think so buddy.
35:16I just need to speak to her for a minute.
35:17I said no man.
35:19Look I don't want a confrontation here but you need to know that I am trained in stage
35:22combat.
35:22Well I think you should probably know that I am a black belt in taekwondo.
35:25Well you, you also need to know that my hamstring is a bit tight actually and it wouldn't
35:29be a fair fight.
35:30Yeah and you wouldn't be able to run away as fast.
35:31And can you, can you just stop standing there with your fists clenched?
35:34I mean honestly this was just a big misunderstanding.
35:38Hello Ben.
35:39Ken.
35:39I've been speaking with mother and we think it's only right that she shouldn't talk to
35:42you right now.
35:43Hello Ken.
35:44Ladies will you please just let me do my job and protect you?
35:46Protect us from who?
35:48Them?
35:48Who should she?
35:48How could kissing him be a misunderstanding?
35:51I mean you can't exactly get us mixed up.
35:53I mean look at him.
35:54You get me in the gym for six months and I'll look like you.
35:57Six?
35:58Yeah well only if I trained you and you followed a strict diet regime.
36:01Oh I'd take your head deal if I was you son.
36:03He's not actually offering it dad.
36:05Are you?
36:05No.
36:06Yeah I thought so.
36:07Ladies and gentlemen please create a pathway as work is about to commence.
36:14Quickly attach yourself to the person next to you.
36:16We're forming a blockade or a wall as you will to stop the diggers getting in.
36:22Why have you got so many pairs of handcuffs?
36:23Do you really want the answer to that question?
36:25Why do we even need handcuffs?
36:26Why don't we just sit down to stop the diggers?
36:28What are you doing?
36:29Eh?
36:30This way I can keep an eye on you.
36:31Oh great.
36:32Make sure the gate is blocked.
36:34We must form a human centipede.
36:37Oh okay I think you mean chain Mr Williams.
36:39You better.
36:40Keep your positions.
36:41Remember your motivation.
36:42You're part of a wall.
36:44If you need to draw on anything draw on your favourite wall.
36:47I'm using Berlin so you can't use that one Richard.
36:50Fine.
36:50That'll be the Great Wall of China.
36:51No I want that one.
36:54Everyone I am the Great Wall of China.
36:57Well I can't see a digger getting through here.
37:02The diggers are already inside.
37:05What?
37:07You didn't think to check.
37:15Right well at least you can unlock us from these.
37:17Where are the keys?
37:18What did you say?
37:19The keys.
37:20For the handcuffs.
37:22As Macbeth said, my dull mind was wrought with things forgotten.
37:27You haven't got them?
37:28No.
37:28Brilliant.
37:31I was a frogman betrayed you see.
37:33Got let go after claiming I had a conversation with Shergar in the Thames.
37:39One of the builders have got to get some bolt cutters.
37:42You should be out of cuffs soon.
37:44Can I get anyone water?
37:45Have you got any sparkling?
37:46Or with added electrolytes?
37:48Just water.
37:51Well, looks like we're going to be here for a while then.
37:54Anyone want to play I Spy?
37:56No.
37:57No.
37:58What about the minister's cat, Richard?
38:01You've been very good at that.
38:02They're a little showy.
38:04No, I'm fine, Mr Williams.
38:09I was worried you'd maybe fallen out with me bed.
38:13The minister's cat is an adorable cat.
38:15No.
38:15Nothing like that.
38:17I've just been doing some thinking.
38:19It's just a sense of messages.
38:21Quite a few, actually.
38:22Somebody needs to do B.
38:24Did you?
38:24Well, I haven't got them.
38:25That's because you don't put your mobile data on.
38:27Oh, God.
38:29My mum never did that either.
38:30It was infuriating.
38:31She thought getting a text message outside the house would bankrupt her.
38:34Don't think anyone else is playing.
38:36The thing is, Ken, I've been thinking about your proposal.
38:41And I know I said yes at the time, but maybe that was a bit rash of me.
38:47She's...
38:51She's saying that she's been thinking about your proposal and...
38:58Even though she said yes at the time, that maybe it's a bit rash.
39:03She's got a rash?
39:04Do you need someone to interpret for me as well?
39:06Tell him, Richard.
39:08He's a lovely man.
39:09A wonderful man.
39:12You're a lovely, wonderful man.
39:15And I'm so very glad I met him.
39:18Even thinking about getting married to him has taught me something.
39:22That maybe...
39:23I can love again.
39:27Maybe in the future, not now.
39:31Just...
39:32Not now.
39:36I'm so very happy that I met you.
39:40And...
39:40Even thinking about marrying you...
39:43Is this you or Meg?
39:45What do you think?
39:46Right, I'm gonna say this in the third person, right?
39:49She says that...
39:51Even thinking about marrying you has...
39:54Taught her that...
39:56She could love again...
39:59But...
40:01Just not now.
40:03Oh, I see.
40:04Not...
40:05Not now.
40:06Not now.
40:07Right.
40:12I am sorry.
40:14You say sorry.
40:15No, no.
40:17Don't...
40:19Don't be sorry.
40:20Come on.
40:21I...
40:22I've just got a...
40:23A wee bit carried away.
40:25Yeah, maybe I did too.
40:31You gonna be okay?
40:32Pancakely?
40:33Yeah, you'll be fine.
40:34How do you turn this mobile data thing on?
40:37Oh, whatever.
40:38You just...
40:41There you go.
40:43Oh.
40:45Well, it's beeping all over the place.
40:47You have seven new messages.
40:49First message received today at 10.34am.
40:54Hello, Beth.
40:55It's Ken here.
40:56Ken, Pritchard...
40:58Again.
40:59You can't take my call right now, so I'm leaving you a message after the dawn.
41:04Then...
41:05Cheery by then.
41:06I'd better call him back.
41:08You just spoke to him, Beth.
41:10Oh, yes.
41:11So I did.
41:13Are you winding me up?
41:15Just trying to get you, Beth.
41:17I want to say sorry for not telling you...
41:18Please tell me you hung up.
41:19It used to be that nothing good has ever come from your mouth that started with,
41:23It used to be that.
41:24It used to be that when you put the phone down, that was it.
41:29It was hung up.
41:30Now it's all blooming buttons and things.
41:32No, there's just one button you press once.
41:34Oh, brilliant.
41:35What a fantastic way for everyone to know that I'm in love with Emily.
41:38Just as she's about to fly halfway around the world with her...
41:50Is...
41:52Is my mobile data on?
41:53I very much doubt it.
41:58I was a frogman betrayed, you see.
42:16Well, we made a great job of looking after the allotment for your mother, didn't we, eh?
42:22See you, though.
42:25Ah, well.
42:27We've still got a train station, haven't we?
42:29Eh?
42:44Oh, hey.
42:45Emily.
42:45Emily.
42:46Please don't go to New Zealand.
42:48What?
42:50Wow.
42:51This guy does not quit.
42:54I actually have to hand it to you.
42:56Assistance is one of the key fundamental tenets of success.
42:58He did a podcast about it.
42:59You don't want to be with him.
43:00He does podcasts.
43:01I've never seen him laugh.
43:03I can laugh.
43:03Well, go on then.
43:05Well, which is now.
43:06Well, if it's so easy.
43:07Yeah, sure.
43:07I mean, I'll...
43:09I'll laugh.
43:12Wait, that doesn't count.
43:13No, no.
43:13Where is me?
43:17Yeah.
43:18Come on!
43:19I win!
43:20Do you feel like a winner?
43:22No.
43:23Not really.
43:23Don't listen to him, Emily.
43:25You're gonna love New Zealand.
43:26I've made loads of plans for us to get lost in the moment.
43:29You're forward planning us getting lost in the moment?
43:31Well, yeah.
43:32You said you wanted to do more of that, right?
43:33Tim, you're a lovely guy, okay?
43:38A wonderful guy, in fact.
43:40And, you know, I am so very happy that I met you.
43:45You know, even thinking about moving to New Zealand with you has taught me something.
43:49That maybe one day I can move to New Zealand in the future.
43:54Wait.
43:55This is exactly the same thing that my mum just said to Ken.
43:59The template's the same, sure.
44:02So you're breaking up with me?
44:04I'm...
44:04I'm sorry.
44:08You're...
44:08You're a really lovely guy.
44:09Yeah, you're really nice.
44:10Shut up!
44:11Sure.
44:14Well...
44:15There it goes.
44:19This might be the wrong time, but do you fancy going for dinner tonight?
44:22What?
44:24Too soon.
44:24It's too soon.
44:25Yeah, yeah, I thought it might be.
44:26Richard, you have had since we were 16 to ask me out.
44:29I mean, you could have asked me out three months ago, but you chose to go to Norway.
44:35I've always been plan B.
44:37You were my plan A.
44:38Not now, Tim.
44:39Sorry.
44:40No, I am going to go travelling.
44:42I'm going to do it on my own.
44:44You know, for once in my life, I'm going to do something just for me.
44:47No, I get it.
44:50But just to be clear, you don't want me to come with you.
44:53HOT!
44:54HOT!
45:00HOT!
45:01Take a look at this.
45:02Have you seen this?
45:04What's happening?
45:05I have no idea.
45:10You're going to have to hang around until the police get here, I'm afraid.
45:13Police?
45:13We've found bones on the earth.
45:15Bones?
45:16What kind of bones?
45:16Chicken bones?
45:17Yeah, they stopped digging because they found someone's KFC.
45:20Human bones?
45:20Am I a sporeonic?
45:22We don't know, but all work will need to be halted until further notice.
45:26Excuse me.
45:27Excuse me.
45:28Excuse me.
45:33Bones!
45:35Bones!
45:36Bones!
45:37Bones!
45:38Bones!
45:38Guys, I think this is a bit distasteful.
45:50Bones!
45:51Bones!
45:51Bones!
45:52Bones!
45:52Bones!
45:53Bones!
45:54Bones!
45:56Bones!
45:56Bones!
46:02Bones!
46:03Bones!
46:04Bones!
46:05Bones!
46:07Bones!
46:07Oh, hello!
46:08I wanted to give you this.
46:11Oh!
46:12Tim's asked me to go to New Zealand with him.
46:15Just till he settles in.
46:17I thought you could look after this till I get back.
46:22Oh, right.
46:24It's a pear tree.
46:27Its blossom is meant to represent lasting friendship.
46:35You don't get nothing.
46:42Pint of heavy?
46:46No.
46:48Why not?
46:54Oh, bugger.
46:55I've left my phone.
46:57It's alright.
46:58I'll get it.
47:14Hello there.
47:18Alright.
47:22Sorry about earlier.
47:23I just...
47:25Couldn't.
47:30What you got there?
47:33It's a plum tree.
47:35I like plums.
47:39Me too.
47:42Yeah.
47:56For God's sake, are we going to get in this brain?
47:58Have you got on the phone?
48:00Yes, Dad.
48:23So where are you going to go then?
48:27TBC.
48:28To be continued.
48:30To be confirmed.
48:32Oh, that.
48:33TBC.
48:36Well...
48:38When you get back, I'll still feel the same.
48:42Well, thanks for finally telling me how you feel.
48:47Even if it wasn't a voicemail from your dad to my ex-boyfriend's mum.
48:51Well, I guess I figured what's the modern-day equivalent of a message in a ball.
48:58I can't believe I've messed this up so badly.
49:02I'm not saying never, Richard.
49:06I guess...
49:07me and you can be TBC for now.
49:10To be confirmed?
49:12To be continued.
49:13Oh, the other one this time.
49:15What?
49:17Have you ever thought about auditioning for comedy roles?
49:20I think you'd be quite good.
49:21Casting directors disagree.
49:24Why don't you write your own show?
49:26Hello, Jen.
49:31What would I write about?
49:34Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to the Greenfield allotments who love to fight another day!
49:42And, uh, well, we're celebrating.
49:44My wife and I would like to announce that we have decided to renew our wedding vows!
49:48Oh!
49:49Oh, and you're all invited!
49:51Yay!
49:53Oh, no, no, no, sorry!
49:54Shirley?
49:55I didn't see you there.
49:57Three stars on TripAdvisor, indeed.
50:01Anyway, on with the party!
50:03Yay!
50:10You alright?
50:12Yeah.
50:13I think so.
50:15So what now?
50:16What now?
50:18Well...
50:19We're gonna get up.
50:21We're gonna get dressed.
50:23And we're gonna keep buggering on.
50:33Sally! Hi!
50:34Richard, I've just heard back. It's a no, I'm afraid.
50:37Right.
50:39But the casting director wants to ask if the other actor was available.
50:43Which actor?
50:44The one reading the other lines.
50:51Are you taking the piss?