- 13 hours ago
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00:02Okay, ready?
00:04That's a load of bloody nonsense.
00:06Aye, yes, or?
00:06I've been driving for 50 years.
00:08I learned to drive in an ice cream van, for Christ's sake.
00:11You learned to drive in an ice cream van?
00:13Yes, things were a wee bit more relaxed in my day.
00:16But honestly, God, why have I got to re-sit my tests anyway?
00:19You drove into a swimming pool?
00:20Once.
00:21That's not a three-strike system, Dad.
00:23Right, okay, you're tested at two o'clock,
00:24so we've got a few hours to go through everything.
00:26Now, first up, they're going to test your eyesight, okay?
00:29So you have to be able to read a licence plate from 20 metres away.
00:32CV-59MXT?
00:35Yeah, not your own.
00:37Okay, here we go.
00:411, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.
00:57Yeah, this is fine.
00:58Yeah, Judge.
00:59I can see you quite clearly.
01:01No, you have to come here.
01:02What are you eating?
01:03Eh?
01:04Come here.
01:05I can't hear you from there, Richard.
01:0919, 18, 17, 16, 15.
01:12Can you hear me now?
01:14Eh?
01:14Course you can't.
01:1514, 13, 12, 11.
01:18Oh, 11, eh.
01:19Great.
01:20How can I help you?
01:21The number, please?
01:2220 metres?
01:24Oh, yes, yes, you mentioned.
01:25Yeah.
01:26Yeah, I did.
01:27So follow me.
01:3012, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.
01:38Now?
01:39Yes.
01:40Now?
01:41Yes.
01:41No, sorry.
01:41You've gone again.
01:4419, 18, 17, 16, 15.
01:49Okay.
01:50Have you been to the toilet?
01:51Yes.
01:52Number one and number two.
01:54Right.
01:54Then another number one, but I just remained seated for that one.
01:57I don't need to know that, Dad.
01:59Okay.
02:00So I think we should do this under test conditions to get you prepared.
02:04So for the next couple of hours, I won't be Richard.
02:07I'll be Benjamin.
02:10You imagine?
02:11You?
02:12Oh, me.
02:13Right.
02:16Eh, do you mind?
02:18I'm taking time out of my busy schedule to help you.
02:22All right.
02:23Schedule.
02:24Still.
02:24Aw, it's from Beth.
02:26She's tagged me on a picture of her new sunflower plant on Facebook.
02:31Isn't that lovely?
02:32I'll just give her a wee poke.
02:35Lovely.
02:36Thought you'd given up on Facebook.
02:38I didn't.
02:39But then Beth showed me how to use it properly.
02:41And she doesn't roll her eyes when I ask questions.
02:45I post all the time now.
02:47Do you?
02:50Dad, what are these?
02:52These aren't posts.
02:54They're complaint emails you've written on your wall.
02:57What wall?
02:58Albion Bank.
03:00B.T.
03:01To whomever it may concern, my landline hasn't been working for six weeks now.
03:06Hmm.
03:07Despite repeated emails.
03:08Well, you mean Facebook posts.
03:10When will you be sending someone out?
03:13Oh.
03:15I worry about my son when he is in the house alone as he will have no way of communicating
03:20with me if he needs his dad.
03:22I mean, what the hell?
03:24You posted it on Facebook.
03:25That'll be why no bugger's replying to me, is it?
03:27I mean, what were you thinking?
03:28You just type it anywhere and somehow it'll get to them.
03:32Eight hundred likes.
03:34All laughing emojis.
03:36Emily.
03:37I'm happy to go round and let him out for a pee.
03:40Oh, amazing.
03:41Oh, she's very funny, her.
03:43Very funny.
03:44Outdoor swim done.
03:46And off to brunch with my fave.
03:48That'll be Tim.
03:49Yes, I know that.
03:51Okay.
03:52Lesson number one.
03:53Checking your phone in the car is an automatic fail.
03:56No more distractions.
03:58No more phones.
03:59Okay?
04:03Sally!
04:04Hi!
04:05Richard, how are you?
04:07I'm, er...
04:08What it is, I just heard from a little birdie that there's going to be a Detective Manners
04:11spin-off.
04:13Seriously?
04:14Now, I don't know which character it's going to focus on, but I'll find out by the end
04:17of the day.
04:18I mean, it has to be you, doesn't it?
04:20Your character was the best character as far as I'm concerned.
04:23Erm, well, thanks Sally.
04:24Yes.
04:25Which one were you again?
04:27Dr. Sparrow.
04:29Spell it.
04:30S-P-A-R-R-O-W.
04:33Yes, that's right.
04:34Unforgettable, Richard.
04:35I'll be in touch.
04:38Well, that was interesting.
04:41Sorry, I can't say anything about it yet.
04:43Oh well, that's fine.
04:44What it is, is it probably means I'm going to get my own TV show.
04:47By the way, I tell you I bumped into Catherine Rutherford the other day and her wee granddaughter.
04:51Many times.
04:52They've apparently decided to go on their first family holiday together and they can't decide...
04:57Can't decide whether to go to Portugal or Turkey.
05:00Oh.
05:02Where did they end up choosing?
05:03What do you mean where do they end up choosing?
05:05It's your story.
05:06You know they chose Turkey.
05:07Who did?
05:09Starting from now, I'm Benjamin.
05:12And when you think it's safe to do so, turn on the engine.
05:14Oh.
05:20Is it safe?
05:22Yes.
05:23It is safe.
05:23It is perfectly safe.
05:31Check your mirrors.
05:33Check your mirrors.
05:34Check your mirrors.
05:35Check your mirrors.
05:36Check your mirrors.
05:37Check your mirrors!
05:39Check your mirrors.
05:40Check your mirrors!
05:40Oh, look!
05:41Check information!
05:41That's 17 degrees there.
05:43See that?
05:48And we're on!
05:52It's OK!
05:54Engine on
05:57Biting point
05:59And gas
06:02That's okay
06:03Engine on
06:06Biting point
06:09Gas
06:11Okay, right
06:12What you need to do
06:13I know how to start a bloody car
06:16Evidence would suggest otherwise
06:18It's you, you're making me nervous
06:20That's not me, is it?
06:21It's Benjamin
06:22I hate to tell you, but Benjamin's
06:26Turned out to be an almighty prick
06:33And we're off
06:35That's set up to 18 now
06:37Yeah, maybe think about second gear
06:40Eh?
06:41Why have we stopped?
06:42What did you say?
06:44I just asked you to put the car into second gear
06:46Oh, alright
06:50We're turning right up ahead
06:52I can't drive the car
06:55And listen to you at the same time
06:56It's a driving test
06:57You need to take instructions
07:04It's down to 17 now
07:06What's this obsession with the temperature?
07:09Eh?
07:10Eh?
07:21Good
07:23Okay, Mr Pritchard
07:24In a couple of moments' time
07:26I'd like you to attempt a reverse parallel park
07:28Oh, look there's Tim
07:31Oh, God
07:32I'll just give him a wee beep
07:34Eh, no
07:35The horn is to alert your presence to other drivers
07:37Not to greet pedestrians
07:39I always think it's polite to beep somebody, you know
07:41What's it with you and beeping at people the minute you recognise them?
07:44Honestly, it's like when you used to drive them to school
07:46You'd beep at anyone who passed who was wearing a school uniform
07:48It was madness
07:50Every morning I'd end up waving at my entire class
07:52I'd look like the Queen
08:01Richard, you beeped
08:03Well, my dad did
08:03Again?
08:04Hello
08:04What are you two up to then?
08:06Quick driving lesson
08:07Bit of father-son bonding, eh?
08:09Yeah, I miss that
08:10But on a day like today
08:11When the old sun parts those dark grey clouds
08:14I think
08:14Yeah
08:15That's him
08:17Shining down on me
08:18Yeah, apparently he's meant to rain later
08:21Mr Pritch
08:21Um, do you mind if I call you Mr Pritch?
08:23Oh, yes, yes, yes
08:24Well, my dear old mum
08:26She's coming with me to Avimor next week
08:28I'm running a 10k
08:30And, um, she just wondered if you'd mind keeping her company at the finish line
08:34Oh, lovely
08:36I've actually just finished giving her a wee poke there
08:39Um, you tell your mother
08:41I'd be absolutely delighted
08:44Okay
08:45Take care
08:45And, uh, stick with the driving, Richard
08:47Yeah
08:48No
08:48No, I can drive
08:50It's him that can't drive
08:51I passed my test when I was 17
08:52Turn
08:53Turn
08:54Turn
08:55Give him a wee beep
08:56Watch us drive
08:58What are you doing?
09:06Hey, hey, hey
09:07Who are you waving to?
09:09That was Joe Dimster
09:10You don't need to beep every time
09:13Who even wants that?
09:14Sing me, mum
09:15And watch our face
09:16We're close friends, then
09:22Come on, come on
09:23Come on, I'm coming
09:25What are you doing?
09:26They're driving
09:28Aw, it'll get cold
09:34Shit
09:36Oh, you're so mad
09:37Oh my God
09:38We can't stop you
09:41Is that me, they're tooting?
09:48So, did I pass?
09:51Is that a serious question?
09:53You mean I failed?
09:54Multiple times.
09:56Eh?
09:58Oh, what do we do now?
10:00I don't know, Dad.
10:02I didn't realise things had gotten so bad.
10:04Oh, how we?
10:06It was one or two wee hiccups.
10:08It was a nine major.
10:10What about when you nearly hit that lollipop lady?
10:12Well, what the hell was she doing standing in the middle of the bloody road anyway?
10:17Look, maybe she just used the bus from now on.
10:22I mean, it's free.
10:23Oh, it's free when it turns up.
10:26We're going to have to postpone your test.
10:28Oh, come on, for heaven's sake.
10:30What's happened? Let's not be defeatist.
10:32I've not been defeatist. I've been realistic.
10:34Realistic?
10:36Realistic, Richard?
10:38Can I tell you something, son?
10:40Ninety percent of my life is spent working round the things I'm not allowed to do anymore.
10:45I'm not allowed to go hill walking.
10:47I'm not allowed to eat grease.
10:48If I see somebody with bright green hair and pins sticking out their face,
10:53I'm not allowed to mention it.
10:55If I don't get my licence back, that is just one more thing in my life that's closed off to
11:00me.
11:00And you know what?
11:01There comes a point when you just think to yourself,
11:04what is the use?
11:07What's my use?
11:12Okay.
11:13I suppose we could give it one more try.
11:18Really?
11:20If you listen to me and do exactly as I say.
11:24I will, son. I will. I will.
11:27Engine on.
11:31Mirrors.
11:32Mirrors.
11:34Oh, look at the earth, Ian and Jen.
11:36Unbelievable.
11:41Hi, Ken.
11:42Dr. Sparrow.
11:43Good to see you behind the wheel again, Ken.
11:45I don't suppose you give us a lift to the pub.
11:47We need to open and we're running a bit late.
11:49Afraid no.
11:50Awful good of you, Ken.
11:51Yeah, yeah. Thanks, lads.
11:53Don't mention it.
11:54So, been anywhere nice?
11:56The old marriage counselling again.
11:58She can't get enough of us.
11:59I asked if she did loyalty cards.
12:03She didn't laugh.
12:05Not even a flicker.
12:07How's that all going?
12:09That's fine.
12:10Rand.
12:10Rand.
12:13Oh, what's that, my love?
12:17Just what you said in there.
12:19What did I say in there?
12:21Just about me using laughter as a way of not dealing with things.
12:27I didn't say that, did I?
12:30Yes.
12:30Which is fine.
12:34I suppose she said it, but you sort of did a nod along.
12:39A nod along?
12:40Because traffic's taking quite a while, isn't it?
12:42Right.
12:45So, did you mean to nod along her?
12:48Well, I suppose if I did nod along, then, you know, maybe she might possibly have something.
12:54So, you agree with her?
12:56I think it might be temporary traffic lights.
12:59I don't agree with her.
13:00You don't do it all the time.
13:01It is.
13:01It's temporary traffic lights.
13:03I do it some of the time, do I?
13:07Maybe.
13:07Some of the time.
13:08Maybe.
13:10Maybe.
13:11You see, that's up to 19 degrees now.
13:14Is it?
13:14That's strange.
13:15Mm-hmm.
13:25I think we might just walk the rest of the way, lads.
13:27Are you sure?
13:28Yeah, I mean, the pub's right there, to be fair.
13:32Thanks for the lift.
13:33No worries.
13:43Why?
13:44Come on.
13:45Light's green.
13:51You said you had the keys, you feckin' aegis.
13:55Turn the wheel.
13:56Keep turning the wheel.
13:58Stop turning the wheel.
13:59And checking your blind spot.
14:01Where is that again?
14:03Good.
14:04This is good.
14:05Just maintain the speed.
14:08Oh, and braking to a halt.
14:13And brake on.
14:15Great.
14:16You're doing great.
14:17Don't patronise me.
14:19I cannot win with you.
14:34Oh.
14:35Oh, God.
14:37Change of planning.
14:38You turn.
14:39Hey, now.
14:42Now, Dad.
14:43Oh, God, God, God, God.
14:44You wash your bloody manners.
14:55Okay, nice.
14:56Well done.
14:57Sure.
14:57Where the hell am I going?
14:58Just follow Tim for a bit.
15:00What?
15:00Follow Tim?
15:01Yeah, that's right.
15:02Follow the pedestrian.
15:03That's part of the test now, is it?
15:04You never know.
15:05They update it all the time.
15:07Okay, right.
15:08Right.
15:08Oh, right.
15:09Oh, right.
15:09Don't, right.
15:11There he is.
15:12There he is.
15:12Keep up.
15:13I'm keeping up.
15:14I'm keeping up.
15:14I'm keeping up.
15:14I'm throwing it.
15:15Oh, little shiz.
15:16Bloomin' mad.
15:17Did you want to pass this test now?
15:19What the hell has got an injury to you?
15:21Oh, right, Richie?
15:25What am I like, eh?
15:27Are you okay, Diggsie?
15:28Aye, I'm fine.
15:31Hello, Darren.
15:33Sorry about the hurt.
15:34Ah, no worries.
15:35Oh, nice petunias.
15:37Ah, yeah.
15:38Aye, I mean the flowers.
15:40Oh, they are, yeah.
15:42I'm getting into hort...
15:44Hort...
15:45Hort...
15:45Hort...
15:46Hort...
15:47Horticulture?
15:47That's the one.
15:48Ah, that's good, son.
15:50That's great, eh.
15:51That'll keep you out of trouble.
15:54There's ya.
15:54Oi!
15:55Keep that back!
15:56Take care, yeah?
15:59Get back here!
16:00Oh, great.
16:02Now Tim's gone.
16:03Well done.
16:05Well, that'll be me failed again, is it?
16:15There you go.
16:16What's happening?
16:18Well, thankfully she updates her stories quite a lot,
16:20so I'm sure she'll post through their meetings soon.
16:25It's not a stocking.
16:26I'm saying nothing.
16:30Sounds a wee bit like stocking to me, though.
16:32Well, that's not saying nothing, is it?
16:34Oh, come on!
16:35Why is it so important that we have to find out where they're meeting, anyway?
16:38Because I think Tim is about to propose to Emily.
16:41Yeah, big galoot, ye.
16:44Honestly, why didn't you tell her how you felt about her years ago?
16:47I don't know.
16:49There's just always been this potential between me and her.
16:52I guess I felt that as long as it stayed potential,
16:55then I couldn't mess it up like everything else.
16:59But now the idea that there won't even be a chance,
17:01and that I've waited too long.
17:08Yes, we're in.
17:09We're at Bonny Appetit.
17:10Right, let's go.
17:11Aye, let's go.
17:11Right, so what's the plan?
17:13I don't know.
17:14Oh, marvellous.
17:29What now?
17:31Well, I don't know.
17:32Just observe, I suppose.
17:34That's your big romantic gesture, is it?
17:36Just to spy on her.
17:38Just give me a minute.
17:43Why is she laughing so much?
17:44That's our thing.
17:45Listen, I don't mean to rush you,
17:47but my test isn't half an hour.
17:49You're all right.
17:52Oh, no, you don't.
17:54Oh, so you're allowed to beep now, are you?
17:57Stay there.
18:00Emily.
18:01Tim.
18:02I thought that was you.
18:03Hello.
18:04Richard.
18:05Hi.
18:06What are you up to?
18:07Just giving my dad a final driving lesson before his test.
18:11Because I can drive.
18:12Right.
18:13Ah, sort of.
18:14I mean, don't call you three-prang-pritchard for nothing.
18:16None of those were my fault.
18:17Good case.
18:18Oh.
18:20Looks nice.
18:24I should let you eat.
18:26Because otherwise it'd be weird.
18:28Well, tell Mr Pritch good luck from us.
18:31I take it you've called the swimming pool
18:33to warn them that he's back on the road, yeah?
18:35I should, shouldn't I?
18:45This is nice.
18:48Catching up.
18:49We should do this more often, the three of us.
18:51Or I could bring someone.
18:52Right.
18:53Bring your dad.
18:53No, I meant a girl.
18:55If I met a girl, I would bring a girl.
18:57Yeah, yeah, just let us know.
19:04Is there anything else?
19:05No.
19:07That's all, folks!
19:08I've never done that before in my life.
19:09Oh.
19:15How'd that go?
19:19No!
19:25I was meaning to ask, actually, uh, what's the food like here?
19:28Uh, well, we don't know, because, uh, some guy keeps interrupting us before we can take
19:33a bite.
19:33Oh, right, right.
19:35Um, well, do you want to take a bite now?
19:38What you want to watch?
19:40Oh, I'll.
19:41Yeah, yeah, okay, sure, I'll, I'll try some.
19:45Moist.
19:48And how, how does it, uh, taste?
19:50Like eggs.
19:51Oh, excellent.
19:52Or should I say egg-cellent?
19:54No.
19:54No.
19:55I've also been meaning to ask, um, uh, you know this one, Tim.
19:58What is an egg?
20:00Is that a vegetable, or what food group would you put it in?
20:04An egg is a member of the protein food group.
20:07Egg is a member of the protein?
20:08Oh, of course, of course, egg-cellent, I've done that one.
20:12Did you fall over today?
20:13Well, I think I've, um, I think I've got the information I came for, uh, so I, I, uh,
20:18I shall bid you head you.
20:20Uh, yeah.
20:22Okay.
20:23Bye.
20:25Go back.
20:26Come on, you can do it.
20:28Go, go, go.
20:30Go back.
20:32I'm sorry, I'm sorry to do this.
20:34Mister, you just keep your hands on the table where I can see them.
20:38Wait, are you in on this?
20:40Is this one of your jokes that I don't get?
20:42Yeah, I just want to make it clear I have nothing to do with this.
20:45Okay, well, I wanted to show you...
20:47I'm getting my own TV show.
20:50Oh, well, that's, that's, that's great, Richard, but, um, now might not be the best time.
20:54Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything, but, uh, you forced it out of me, Tim.
20:57Grrrr!
20:58Did I?
20:59Yeah, it's a Doctor Spiral spin-off.
21:01Oh, okay, well, that, that's amazing.
21:04Congrats, man.
21:05Is that everything?
21:06Is that everything?
21:09Is that everything?
21:10Okay, well, while you're thinking about it, what is it you wanted to show me?
21:14So?
21:14No, don't!
21:15What's going on, Richard?
21:16Just don't make any decisions now.
21:18What do you mean?
21:18What does he mean?
21:20I really don't know.
21:22I just wanted to show you my dad's old ring.
21:24Oh!
21:24Oh, did they clean it up all right?
21:26Yeah, they did a really good job, actually.
21:27It's your dead dad's, it's your, it's your dad's ring.
21:33I, I, I, I saw my flowers in the jewellers and I thought, I, I, I, I'm saved by the
21:46horn.
21:48Yeah, it's just been, it's, yeah, I'm going to go now.
21:59I'm not hungry anymore.
22:00No, me either.
22:04Thanks for getting me out of that.
22:06No, I beeped you because I wanted you to go into the shop and put my lottery on.
22:09No!
22:10No, just drive, as quick as you can.
22:11All right, so how did that go?
22:13I can't feel my legs.
22:14Oh, I do.
22:15Right, I'll just, uh, sort my mirrors.
22:18No, forget the mirrors!
22:19No, no.
22:23Just take your time!
22:25You're shouting!
22:26I'm panicked!
22:27I'm sorry, okay?
22:29Nice and easy.
22:30Engine on!
22:32Biting point!
22:34Accelerator!
22:39Engine on!
22:41Engine on!
22:41Accelerator!
22:42Accelerator!
22:46Frank, go on.
22:48Get out, I'm dry.
22:52Ah, just nip in and do my lottery.
22:55Nope.
22:56No, no, no.
22:57It only took a minute, for heaven's sakes.
23:01God.
23:05Who put that there?
23:08God.
23:18All right, Ritchie.
23:20What will you like, eh?
23:37Ken Pritchard?
23:40Don't mention it.
23:44That's me.
23:45If you'd like to follow me.
23:47Nope.
23:47Look, I'm, I'm sorry the driving lesson got about out of hand earlier.
23:52You'll be fine, Dad.
23:54And, just so you know, you have plenty of uses.
24:01Like a multi-tool.
24:04Ah, exactly.
24:15Good luck.
24:23Sally, hi.
24:24Richard, how are you?
24:25Please tell me you've got good news.
24:27Well, you know, I just might.
24:29Now, tell me, what was your character called again?
24:31Dr. Sparrow.
24:35Hello?
24:36Not Judge Basquiat, then.
24:45Oh, my God.
24:47You all right, you're right?
24:49What?
24:55I failed.
24:59So we remind ourselves to be in the here and now, not in the past.
25:05We're going to end by taking a few relaxing breaths.
25:11In and out.
25:17In and out.
25:22In and out.
25:27And relax.
25:30Well done.
25:34Oh, good.
25:35You're awake.
25:36That television's still not working.
25:43Wait for that engineer again.
25:46Numbers on the dining room table.
25:48I think you must be the only man still alive to use one of these.
25:51What?
25:51I'm not calling the engineers again.
25:53They've been out twice already, Dad.
25:55Remember, they told us.
25:56We're just in a black zone for satellites.
25:58What, are you telling me that Forrest is more of a black zone than space?
26:01Well, in Forrest, no one can hear me scream.
26:03Hey, or say anything.
26:05What if I plugged the television into the computer?
26:08Oh, what if I connected the toaster to the boiler?
26:10Or the kettle to the washing machine?
26:12You're making a point here.
26:13Yes, I am.
26:13That it wouldn't work.
26:14That's one.
26:15So there's absolutely nothing I can do to get the television working.
26:17Looking to getting cable again.
26:19I do not want the cable.
26:21And I will tell you for why.
26:23Barbara Cooksnet number four.
26:25She got the cable.
26:26It went off on.
26:42She fell down a manhole.
26:44Okay, we won't get cable then.
26:46Listen, we'd better get a move on.
26:47We've got to get the train to Abbey more.
26:49That race starts out too.
26:50How many times, Dad?
26:51I'm not coming.
26:52Why not?
26:53Well, A, I don't really want to watch Emily cheer on her boyfriend doing a run.
26:56And B, you, me and trains, it just always ends in disaster.
26:59Like when?
27:00Like when I was filming in Paris and I paid for you and Mum to come over on the Eurostar
27:03for your 70th.
27:04Your mother and I were in Brussels for my 70th.
27:07Yeah, exactly, because you got the wrong Eurostar.
27:08And do you remember when you got there and I asked you to stay put because I'd come there
27:11to Brussels to meet you?
27:13Where were you when I got there?
27:14I think it could have been Paris.
27:15Because you got the Eurostar back to Paris.
27:18Yeah, I'm glad I did my meditation.
27:20I'm really feeling the benefit of that.
27:21Listen, Emily is going to be there and you said you wanted to let her know how you feel.
27:26Oh, Dad, that was a glaive eye talking.
27:28I've missed the boat with Emily.
27:29I just have to accept that and move on with my life.
27:32Well, I can't go without you.
27:34Why?
27:35You know full well why.
27:37Oh, come on, we've been through this a thousand times.
27:39Right, the train ticket is on your phone.
27:42All you have to do is put the phone train ticket side down and scan it on the QR code.
27:46What is a QR code?
27:47No, I'm not going through that again.
27:49Listen, when I worked on the trains, a train ticket was something you held in your hand.
27:55A bit like that.
27:56That is not a train ticket.
27:58Why does everything have to happen through a bloomin' phone nowadays?
28:02I mean, what was wrong with the old ways?
28:04You wouldn't even let me carry money in my pocket anymore.
28:07Dad, you were carrying £34.60 in loose change.
28:09Your trousers almost fell down in Asda.
28:11That is because I forgot to put a belt on.
28:13Come on, it's just the way things are now.
28:15Everything's digital.
28:16Yes, well, I'm not.
28:20Agreed.
28:27Arms.
28:27I mean, um, hi Emily, and Tim, and Beth, and everyone, not just Emily.
28:35Okay.
28:35I called your dad about him sorting me out with some glue.
28:44Richard, have you seen my prick stick?
28:46Eh, pritt stick, and no, I haven't.
28:49Jean used to use it for the Christmas cards, you know, to stick them down.
28:53She read somewhere that licking the envelopes gives you the squirts.
28:56Oh, lovely.
29:00I like your t-shirt.
29:01Oh.
29:02Suckus.
29:03Yeah, it's Latin for juice.
29:05Yeah.
29:06It's a small energy drinks company I started a few years back.
29:09They're publicly endorsing me for this run.
29:11Is it definitely pronounced like that?
29:14Suckus.
29:15Yeah.
29:16Pretty sure.
29:16So you're endorsing yourself with your own company called Suckus.
29:21Yeah.
29:22Great.
29:23Just thought I'd check.
29:25Hey, how'd you get on?
29:27Eh, yes, good.
29:29And you don't need to pee now.
29:31So, mission accomplished in that sense.
29:33Eh, it's a bloody thing.
29:34Sorry again, we can't fit you in the car, Ken.
29:36It's just that there's not a lot of room, what with Tim's energy drinks.
29:41Suckus.
29:42Yep.
29:43Oh, that's all right.
29:45I'm more than happy to get the train.
29:47It's absolutely no bother.
29:48Oh, it's some bother.
29:50Are you having problems with your television?
29:51Oh, don't remind me.
29:53I'm actually thinking about getting one of those dodgy sticks.
29:56Dad, how many times?
29:57They're illegal.
29:58No, they're not.
29:58What do you think dodgy means?
30:00They are a bit illegal, Mr Pritch.
30:01Gwen Joyce has one.
30:03Oh, that'll be the same Gwen Joyce who had a weed farm growing in her attic.
30:06She was as surprised as anybody else to find that up there.
30:09Yeah.
30:09If only she'd seen the security footage of her buying 800 LED lamps.
30:15Yeah.
30:16Or wondering why she always had the munchies.
30:19Up high.
30:22Er, yeah, sorry.
30:24Exactly.
30:25Here it is.
30:26Oh, that's great.
30:28It's for my Go Tim sign.
30:30I always make one hold it up for him running past, don't I?
30:33You sure do.
30:34Only now I have to stick pictures of him onto it.
30:37Since the incident.
30:39The incident?
30:40Well, there was this race a few years back where another Tim was running.
30:45He ran past the sign and apparently I looked quite a bit like his mum.
30:49What it was, Richard.
30:51He hadn't seen her in 20 years.
30:53They'd had a big falling out and he thought she'd come back to bury the hatchet.
30:57He was quite down when he realised.
30:59But, er, it did make him decide to reach out to her.
31:04Aww.
31:05Aww, that's nice.
31:06Yes.
31:08Turns out she died five years previous and he had no idea.
31:12So now, I'll stick pictures on.
31:27What are you doing?
31:29You're going to miss your train.
31:30No, no, I'm not going.
31:32What?
31:33I told you, I don't know how you do the tickets.
31:35Once again, technology has destroyed my time on the trains.
31:39You mean when you took early retirement instead of learning how to use the card machine?
31:42I'll be fine here.
31:44Just get a physical ticket at the station.
31:47I don't want to anymore.
31:48But, Dad, all you've been talking about all week is how you were looking forward to spending time with Beth.
31:52That's the reason you're going.
31:53Was going.
31:55I know what you're doing here.
31:57I don't know what you're talking about.
31:58You know fine well what I'm talking about.
32:01You're thinking I'll just sit here looking sad until he gives in and comes with me.
32:05Well, that's just not going to happen.
32:17That's that lock.
32:19You think?
32:22Why have you got a bag?
32:23It's only a 45 minute journey.
32:25That's exactly enough time to watch an episode or something.
32:28Is your generation incapable of sitting with their own thoughts for any length of time?
32:33I mean, honestly, why have you always got to be attached to a device?
32:36I'm not attached to a device just now, am I?
32:38Oh, one minute.
32:41Sally, hi.
32:43Oh, Richard, hello.
32:44Bad news on the panto, I'm afraid.
32:45It's a no.
32:47Really?
32:47I thought it went well.
32:49Yes, they thought you were just a little bit too upbeat.
32:52Too upbeat for panto?
32:53Yes, they were looking for a little more nuance in your portrayal.
32:57The character was called Hoinky Doinky.
32:59Yes, they said there was a little too much hoik and not enough doink for them.
33:03Also, they didn't like you breaking the fourth wall.
33:06It's a panto!
33:07It's all to do with the director's vision or something.
33:10I wasn't really paying attention, to be honest.
33:12Anyway, it's not the end of the world.
33:14No.
33:14Oh, yes, it is!
33:18Too soon, sorry.
33:19Bye, Sally.
33:20Okay, still waiting to hear back on the Crimewatch reconstruction.
33:26Train now approaching platform two.
33:28It's the spot real service to Edward O'Wayne Lane.
33:33So are you going to do this ticket thing for me or not?
33:36No.
33:37I'm not.
33:37Because you have to learn how to do this stuff yourself, Dad.
33:41Come on, don't look so worried.
33:44Here's a nice girl there.
33:45Can I not show her my ticket?
33:47No.
33:47Why not?
33:48Because this is quicker.
33:50They just seem quicker to me.
33:51Dad, you can't stand in the way of progress all your life.
33:53Excuse me, darling.
33:54Oh, apparently you can.
33:55Would you mind just opening a barrier for me and I'll just show you my ticket?
33:59It's just I'm useless with this thing.
34:01I'd much rather leave the house without it.
34:04You do leave the house without it.
34:05Yeah, no problem.
34:06Uh, no, we're fine, thanks.
34:07What?
34:08We don't need your help.
34:09So you don't want me to open the barriers for him?
34:11That's right.
34:12I really don't mind letting him through.
34:13A lot of older people are...
34:14We're fine.
34:15Thanks.
34:17There's no need to be rude.
34:18What does I mean rude?
34:19I thought you were rude.
34:21Did you think he was rude?
34:22I thought it was a little bit rude, yeah.
34:23Why are you still here?
34:25Oh, I...
34:26Okay, that was rude.
34:27Sorry.
34:28No, no.
34:30Come on, Dad.
34:31We can do this.
34:32Just the way I showed you, right?
34:33Unlock your phone.
34:352157.
34:36It's probably best not to do that out loud, but one bath at a time.
34:40Find your ticket.
34:41Yeah, okay.
34:43Yeah.
34:43No, that's your home screen.
34:45Is it?
34:46Look at that.
34:47And that's the calculator.
34:49Is there a calculator in there?
34:50Oh, just give me the phone, would you?
34:51Right.
34:53Okay.
34:53Scanner's there.
34:55QR code on the scanner.
34:57Barrier's open.
34:58You walk through.
34:59Okay?
35:03I just...
35:04Just...
35:08Just...
35:09Want me to just let you through?
35:10Yes, please.
35:14No!
35:15Want me to keep them open for you?
35:17No!
35:18No, I don't.
35:19Because some people are able to do things in the correct and proper way.
35:24So you want me to close on?
35:25Yes, please.
35:36That's all you needed to do?
35:37Do you see how simple that was?
35:41Will I just scan it again?
35:42No, I won't let you scan it twice.
35:45Oh.
35:46Do you want me to open the barriers for you?
35:51Yes, please.
35:56There you go.
35:57Very good.
35:57Very good.
35:58That's how you do it.
35:59Just give me that phone, won't you?
36:02I'm downloading your return ticket now, and you're scanning that QR code on the way back
36:06if it kills me.
36:07Yes, yes.
36:08Whatever you say.
36:09Where exactly are we going here?
36:10I've got to see.
36:13Oh, what is it now?
36:14Well, I'm actually bursting for the toilet.
36:17Aye, there's a toilet on the train.
36:18The train?
36:19Toilet must not be used whilst the train is stationary.
36:22That's the first thing you learn when you become a conductor.
36:24Well, you'll just need to hold on to it then.
36:26Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
36:27Which bit of that would I love?
36:29And could you not have mentioned this before we got through the barrier?
36:31Well, I just need to go before I come through the barrier.
36:34Right, can you be done and back in six minutes?
36:37Yes.
36:38Oh, maybe your new pal could let you out.
36:41Right, we're in Coat C, seat 41.
36:44Coat C, seat 41.
36:46Yes, yes.
36:52Ticket barriers are in operation at this station.
37:01Excuse me, sorry, I've actually got that seat booked.
37:31Oh, my.
37:33What was he doing?
37:39Oh, my.
37:40Oh.
37:42Oh.
37:43Sorry, can I...
37:44Oh, my.
37:44Sorry, I need to...
37:45Yeah.
37:46Can you...
37:47Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
38:01Oh, yeah.
38:02You're watching something already?
38:05You're not.
38:06The train's not even moving.
38:08There you go.
38:09Ham and cheese.
38:12Bottle of water.
38:13Don't worry.
38:14It's sparkling.
38:16Lovely packet of cheese and onion crisps.
38:19And a twirl.
38:21We're sharing that, mine.
38:23One finger each.
38:26Welcome aboard this Scottsdale service to Wick.
38:29Wick?
38:30Are we in the right train?
38:32Dingwall.
38:33All this.
38:34Invergordon and...
38:35Who the hell are you?
38:48Who the hell are you?
38:53Oh, what the hell are you going to see?
38:58Is he pointing me up?
39:01Dad!
39:02We're bringing you that season here.
39:04We're bringing you that season here.
39:10Dad!
39:11Laptop.
39:13My laptop!
39:22Excuse me.
39:24I'm sitting in there.
39:25Thank you very much.
39:27I'll let that go.
39:30Oh, that was close.
39:33Disaster averted.
39:34Yeah!
39:36Yeah.
39:36Yeah!
39:38Bye.
39:44Bye.
39:53Bye.
39:57Bye.
40:01Bye.
40:15Hello there, excuse me, I was just wondering, there was a lot of runners going about the
40:21place, you know, giving it that. I don't suppose you've seen any men in lycra about the place,
40:26running about tight.
41:01Nice, isn't it? Oh yeah, it's different. Good luck, there he is now! Go team! Team! Come on, my son!
41:23Oh, Richard! Oh, you made it then. Where's Ken? He's not here. I know. I meant he's not showing up
41:30here.
41:30What, have you lost him? I didn't lose him, he lost himself.
41:33You mean he's missing? It's okay, Mum. We'll have a circus and then we'll talk this through.
41:39Yeah, yeah, we got split up on the train, I ended up in Beaulieu, I've got his phone. Look, it's
41:42a long story.
41:43Right, well, surely he'd just make his way back to Forest. Er, he wouldn't be able to buy a ticket.
41:47Why? Some guy made him stop carrying cash.
41:50Richard! It's okay. I know the event organisers. They'll keep an eye out for him.
41:55They've got people stationed all around the circuit. Hey, hi, yeah, it's me. I just...
42:0139 minutes, 26 seconds. Yeah, no, I think it is a new personal best.
42:06Sorry, yeah, listen, I need you to just do something for me.
42:09Er, Beth, why don't you and Tim take the town? You know, streets, tea shops, that sort of thing.
42:15Pikes, scones, what have you.
42:17Aha, yeah. Me and Richard will take the woods.
42:19Look, chances are he's probably got lost trying to find the finish line.
42:22Yeah, no, I'm sure you're right.
42:23Yeah, well, pasta for breakfast is controversial these days, but to be honest with you, I think he gave me
42:28the edge.
42:28Tim.
42:29That was a tough one to do.
42:30Grey hair. Yeah. Glasses. Yeah, just, um, shoes. He's wearing shoes.
42:43Gene?
42:47No, no, no. It couldn't be. Sorry to bother you. It's just I thought...
42:57But it couldn't be.
43:07Mr. Pritch!
43:08No!
43:10Mr. Pritch!
43:11No!
43:14Mr. Pritch!
43:15Mr. Pritch!
43:16No!
43:17Ow!
43:18My ankle!
43:19Oh, God.
43:21Right, hold on. Don't touch it.
43:23No!
43:23What did I just say?
43:24Sorry.
43:27Let's get this off.
43:32All the others were in the wash.
43:34Well, that is just lovely.
43:39Okay, does it hurt if I do this?
43:42What about this?
43:43Oh, that's interesting.
43:45Is it broken?
43:45No.
43:46But I realised I can do this.
43:48Ah!
43:49Ah!
43:49Ah!
43:50Ah!
43:51Staying alive!
43:52Staying alive!
43:53You're supposed to be a nurse!
43:56Trust me, that is vanilla compared to what we usually get up to.
43:59It's fine, you've just twisted it.
44:01But what do I do now?
44:03Have you made a will?
44:04Oh, hilarious.
44:06Nothing.
44:07Just give it a few minutes.
44:15It'd be funny if we ended up having to eat each other.
44:24I always forget that sometimes silence is fine.
44:30Yeah.
44:30I'm not.
44:44Ah!
44:46That pummeled be man!
44:59No, I need to stop
45:01Again
45:03Really, personally
45:05Right, if zombies ever attack
45:06Remind me never to make a run for it with you
45:10Look at that budge app
45:18I'm sure Tim's got an ankle support with him
45:20I don't need Tim's ankle support
45:24Tim's ankle support
45:26It's quite a good name for a band, actually
45:29Hi, we're Tim's ankle support
45:31This is a song about the first time that you'd properly fall in love
45:34Are you in love with them?
45:36What?
45:36Sorry, what did you sing?
45:37Nothing, nothing
45:38No, me too
45:42Do you not like Tim?
45:44Erm, what do you mean?
45:46Not like Tim?
45:47To Tim, I mean
45:48I don't know, what does it even mean to like someone in the current climate?
45:53Okay, you don't like him
45:54I'm not a fan, but
45:55I don't know, it just doesn't seem like your type
46:00What is my type?
46:02Guys from forests, mainly
46:04Yeah, imagine wanting a change from that
46:09I know he seems a bit much sometimes
46:12But
46:14But he's sweet
46:16He's comfortable in himself
46:18You know, he's a go-getter
46:20Things seem possible around him, you know
46:23He's actually thinking of moving to New Zealand for a year
46:26Is he, really?
46:27Oh, yeah, I've heard it's beautiful
46:32He's asked me to go with him
46:33But the weather's meant to be terrible
46:35And I've heard it's prohibitively expensive
46:38This wellness retreat reached out to him on Instagram
46:40They want him to do a mind, body and soul workshop
46:43Wherever that is
46:45And I could get a nursing job easily enough
46:47Well, you've looked into it
46:50But a little bit, I mean
46:52It's New Zealand
46:53Sure, and you've probably completed for us
46:55Anyway, by now
46:58I haven't made my mind up yet
47:00Cool
47:05Sorry for bringing up zombies earlier
47:07You know how scared you are of them
47:09What?
47:10Well, any horror film, really
47:12God, every time we'd rent one
47:14You'd watch it with your eyes closed
47:15Yeah, but that's because
47:16It's the score that makes it scary
47:18So it's actually braver just to listen
47:21And you'd always fall for the jump scares
47:23Well, they shouldn't just come out of nowhere like that
47:25Oh, so you are scared of them?
47:26No
47:26No?
47:27No!
47:27Alright
47:29Sorry for bringing it up
47:31Thank you
47:35Maybe we should look down by those
47:36Jesus!
47:39So immature
47:44Oh, bollocks
47:49Sure, there you are
47:50At his ankle
47:53Where the hell have you been?
47:55Where the hell have I been?
47:57Coach C, Sheep 41
47:59Where the hell were you?
48:00I'm sorry, who's this?
48:02Oh, I ended up joining a search party for this fella
48:06And I found him
48:07Matches his description perfectly
48:09He joined your own search party, of course he did
48:11Hey, Ken!
48:14Oh, you silly man
48:18You had me so worried
48:21Don't do that again
48:23Hey, you should replenish your fluids
48:25Take a sip of my suckers
48:26Hey
48:27Have you guys been here long?
48:29No, we just got here
48:30So you didn't see anything?
48:32What?
48:32Nothing
48:34Can you take me back to my family now?
48:36Yes, I'll take you back to your family now
48:39She's been banging on about that for some time now
48:53What a day
48:55Where did your laptop end up?
48:58Glasgow
48:59Oh
49:00I had my whole life on that laptop
49:03Oh, look at that
49:04I was going to watch the untouchables tonight
49:08He puts one of yours in the morgue
49:10You put one of his in the hospital
49:12That's the other way about it
49:14What?
49:15He puts one of yours in the hospital
49:16You put one of his in the morgue
49:18That's the Chicago way
49:20What are you doing?
49:21Honestly, I give it
49:23Right, Dad, I'm knackered
49:24I'll go in the beds
49:26Night, night
49:27Okay
49:28Good night, son
49:39You can stream it
49:41Oh, what?
49:42Watch it online
49:43Don't need the satellite for that
49:46There you go
49:48Marvellous
49:48It'll start in a minute
49:49Oh, thanks, son
49:54Oh, thanks, son
49:56Oh, thanks, son
49:59Oh, thanks, son