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Abolish Everything - Season 2 - Episode 07: Abolish Those Rabbits That Are So Big They’re Like the Size of Dogs
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TVTranscript
00:06In New York City's storied underground, our radical movement gathers again.
00:11We're talking about Obama calling you a queen.
00:14What about mixed-race guys covered in grease?
00:20Our mission?
00:21To liberate society from its gravest, stupidest ills.
00:25Our secondary mission?
00:27Fun!
00:28In just a moment, four brave abolitionists will face off against each other and the political establishment.
00:34Their goal? To win this cartoonish sack of cash with a dollar sign on it and an invitation to our
00:40World Championship season finale.
00:42But to do it, they'll need to convince the crowd on the other side of this curtain.
00:46This is the fight of our lives. This is the future we've been waiting for.
00:52This is Abolish Everything.
01:03Tonight's abolitionists, Sam Corbin, Yadoye Travis, Patrick Willem, and Chinay Ikoro.
01:23Thank you so much for watching Abolish Everything. I'm your host, Chandler Dean.
01:30Before we begin, I am ashamed and disgusted, yet required by our twisted system to introduce the political establishment.
01:41Josh Nassar, Meredith Dietz, Lily Dew, and Chief Justice of the political establishment, Andy Vega.
01:56Look at these people.
01:57You just know when they drop something on their foot, they say some shit like, oh, good heavens.
02:03I am out of competition, but I'll be delivering this evening's first testimony.
02:06Are you ready to abolish everything?
02:10Without further ado, my time starts now.
02:15My friends, sometimes society presents us with a no-win situation.
02:20A scenario where no matter what cards you play, you are destined to lose.
02:24That is why we need to abolish instrumental breaks in karaoke songs.
02:35What do I do with my body?
02:41Let's start here.
02:43Karaoke is humiliating enough when the song is going.
02:47I know that God does not want us to abuse the power of song this way.
02:52Why else would I get COVID every time I do karaoke?
02:58Still, we do our best and we select songs that sound amazing in our heads.
03:03You think, I'm going to sing Freebird.
03:06No, you are not.
03:08You are going to sing 16 bars of Freebird and then quietly listen to 235 bars of a midi guitar
03:16solo.
03:18Vladimir Lenin once said,
03:22There are decades when nothing happens and there are weeks when decades happen.
03:26Both of those sentences are referring to you singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
03:34Now, what can you do with yourself during a karaoke instrumental break?
03:38Well, you can do the most half-assed dance of all time.
03:43Yes, you need the TV to tell you what to sing.
03:46But everyone's going to love your freestyle choreo.
03:50You can verbally riff while the music goes.
03:54This can only get you so far.
03:56Sure, you can say, shout out to the birthday girl and everyone's going to woo.
04:01But guess what?
04:03That bought you five seconds.
04:05And you've burned up your best material.
04:09Face it.
04:10No matter what, you will eventually find yourself performing the most popular instrumental break activity,
04:16staring into the abyss and having a panic attack.
04:23I've thought long and hard about this,
04:25and I really think there's only one thing you can do to make these instrumental breaks worth it.
04:29If you want the instrumental break to be a net good,
04:31you must bring a saxophone and wail a killin' solo.
04:40But unfortunately, unless you're my dad
04:47or some kind of avant-garde performance artist,
04:53that's just not going to be in the cards for you.
04:55Anyway, I don't feel I can properly express my passion about this subject in words alone.
05:00I must do it through song.
05:05One, two, three, clap your hands.
05:07Four, five, six, steal a glance.
05:09Without you, I've got no chance.
05:11So raise a glass and let's just dance.
05:31Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:37Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:54Abolish instrumental breaks of karaoke songs.
05:59I yield my time.
06:01The political establishment will now have the opportunity to rebut me,
06:04and their time starts now.
06:05Chandler, I think it's a very important time, this instrumental break.
06:08It's a moment where people who don't normally have the spotlight can take a chance
06:13and say something they wanted to say to someone their whole life.
06:16Look at someone that they want to date and tell them,
06:19you're beautiful, like, I think me and you could do be together.
06:24I know usually you don't look at me, but now you have to,
06:27because we're at a friend of a friend's party,
06:29and like, maybe after this, like, me and you go get cotton candy or whatever.
06:37Okay, so that felt excruciatingly long, right?
06:42That was 23 seconds.
06:44I was timing it right here.
06:46Chandler, you have my phone number, correct?
06:48Uh, yes.
06:49Would you mind texting me that picture of your dad playing the saxophone?
06:55It was my understanding that this was already your background
06:59and in your Hidden Photos album.
07:02Uh, no, I'm in the Hidden Photos album.
07:05Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
07:07Josh Nassar, what's going on?
07:09I know, Chandler, for this one, I'm cool, Josh.
07:20Hey, Chand, what's up, baby?
07:23Without instrumental breaks,
07:25I can't snap my fingers at the beginning of Summer Lovin'.
07:31Remind me that one line in Summer Lovin'
07:33that you really believe in and still stand by?
07:35Oh, oh, oh, I'm a car.
07:41Could I ask my fellow panelists,
07:44uh, where and when are you from?
07:47Where and when?
07:50Josh has told me for months he's gonna do Cool Josh.
07:53He's asked a single biographical question
07:56about what Cool Josh is,
07:57and he's flubbaxed.
07:59Whoa, whoa.
08:02He's timeless.
08:04Chandler, similar question to Meredith.
08:05You have my number, right?
08:07That is correct.
08:07Delete it.
08:09I don't agree with that.
08:10Delete it.
08:11Hey.
08:12Absolutely not.
08:14Yes, Cool Josh.
08:16Dr. Dean, the sultan of sweet.
08:20Yes?
08:21At the beginning,
08:22you said we all find ourselves
08:24in a no-win situation.
08:26Yeah.
08:28Not me.
08:29I always win.
08:32I mean, I have to agree with that.
08:34Why just because you aren't able
08:36to seize an opportunity
08:37should it be eliminated
08:38for all their people?
08:39The Olympics don't go away
08:40just because you can't run fast,
08:41and there needs to be
08:42that karaoke break
08:43so that everyone here knows
08:44this white girl
08:45can bust it down sexual style.
08:48Oh, I love me a white girl.
08:52And what year did you say that in?
08:55What year did you say that in?
08:56And what race are you
08:58as Cool Josh also?
09:01Guys, you're just never going
09:04to convince me
09:04that anything belongs
09:06in an instrumental break
09:07other than a killin' sax solo,
09:08and if you're not convinced,
09:10then I guess we just have to go
09:12to Exhibit A, My Father.
09:13Yeah!
09:14Whoa!
09:32What those fingers do, Mr. Dean?
09:40What do you have to say
09:41to that, Cool Josh?
09:43Oh, what do I have to say?
09:45Well, I want to piggyback off
09:46of what Lily said.
09:47Uh, when's your dad
09:49gonna finger me?
09:50And that's time!
09:55Now, I could be misremembering.
09:57We could look at the tape.
09:58I'm not sure that's what Lily said.
10:01That's what I said.
10:04All right.
10:05Are you ready
10:05for your first abolitionist
10:06of the night?
10:10Our next abolitionist
10:12is a fantastic comedian
10:13and a crossword columnist
10:15for the New York Times.
10:16Please welcome Sam Corbin.
10:31Abolish email sign-offs.
10:42Friends, friends, recipients,
10:46people I've moved to BCC
10:48to spare their inboxes.
10:50It's time to admit
10:52that email sign-offs
10:54serve no purpose.
10:56No professional or personal relationship
11:00has ever been improved
11:01or clarified
11:02by the right email sign-off,
11:05but mental health states
11:06around the world
11:07have withered
11:08by wondering
11:09whether the occasion merits
11:11a sincerely
11:12or an all best.
11:15even as we speak
11:17countless hours
11:18are being lost
11:19to people
11:19trying to gauge
11:20whether it's more normal
11:21to sign your name
11:22with or without
11:23a space
11:24after the dash
11:25but before your name.
11:31And for what?
11:33When you send an email,
11:35people already know
11:36who it's from.
11:39That's what the from box is for.
11:47So there's no need
11:49to say anything
11:50after your email
11:51except maybe
11:53sent from my Blackberry device
11:55on the Rogers wireless network
11:57if necessary.
11:58That's from 2012 and Canada.
12:02And let's face it,
12:04there is no email sign-off
12:05that doesn't introduce
12:06an unsettling degree of intrigue
12:08into your correspondence.
12:10Okay?
12:11For example,
12:12sincerely.
12:13That is unnecessarily formal
12:15and it implies
12:16the possibility
12:17of insincerity
12:19and thus deceit.
12:21Now I want to know
12:22what you're hiding.
12:24Do you hope
12:25this email finds me well?
12:26Are you excited
12:27to have me connect with you
12:28at my earliest convenience?
12:29I just don't know anymore.
12:33Yours?
12:34What kind of yours?
12:37Is it Jason Mraz?
12:39I'm yours?
12:40Or is it
12:42Last Slice of Pizza?
12:43All yours?
12:44It's ambiguous at best
12:46and at worst,
12:47it's racist.
12:48Because yours
12:50implies possession.
12:52And I, for one,
12:54accept the results
12:55of the Civil War.
13:04Best?
13:05When did this email
13:06become a contest?
13:09Signing best
13:10is like
13:11pulling up to
13:12your person
13:13you're sending your email to
13:14at a traffic light
13:15and then revving your engine
13:16to let them know
13:17you're about to drag race.
13:19And I'm competitive,
13:21so if you send me this,
13:22I have no choice
13:23but to hit you back
13:24with the all best
13:25which of course
13:26is the infinity plus one
13:27of email sign-offs
13:28or the yours sincerely
13:30which is the fuck you
13:32I'm a better person
13:33of email sign-offs.
13:35And then there's
13:36cheers.
13:37Now,
13:38that just sounds British
13:39or like I'm inventing
13:41people who applaud
13:42when I enter
13:43and leave a room.
13:52Looking forward
13:53with gratitude
13:55in anticipation.
13:57All of these
13:58just read like
13:59stage directions
14:00for an exit
14:00we can never make.
14:03Because we are trapped
14:04in a death spiral
14:06of exchanging correspondence
14:08and we're just trying
14:09to sound more casual
14:10over time.
14:11So first it's
14:12warmly Sam.
14:13Then it's just Sam.
14:15Then it's just S.
14:16And suddenly
14:16I'm signing hugs
14:17and kisses
14:18to my real estate broker
14:19for a follow-up?
14:21I'm not even
14:22an XO person.
14:24Does this look
14:24like an XO person?
14:30No.
14:32And in case
14:33because I know
14:34they will
14:35lest the political
14:36establishment
14:36try to make it
14:37seem like
14:38I'm overreacting.
14:39I'm reading
14:39into something
14:40that isn't
14:41actually there.
14:42Let me point out
14:43that host Chandler Dean
14:45in explaining
14:46this show
14:46sent two emails.
14:47The first was
14:48best
14:49and the second
14:49was thanks.
14:53Now I don't know
14:54what kind of
14:55fucked up mind game
14:56is going on
14:56between this
14:57and this
15:00but I refuse
15:01to play.
15:02I will not
15:03spend time
15:04wondering whether
15:05Chandler Dean
15:06is mad at me.
15:07I refuse
15:08to be
15:09negged
15:09into silence
15:10and I
15:12am leaving
15:13this tradition
15:13in the dust
15:14coldly
15:15worst regards
15:16with booze
15:17insincerely
15:19abolishing
15:20email sign-off.
15:33So you think
15:34it would be
15:35wrong to say
15:36something like
15:36with queer
15:37love.
15:40You don't
15:41support that.
15:42You don't
15:42support that.
15:43You don't
15:43support happy
15:44Kwanzaa.
15:50And also
15:51warmly
15:52is essential
15:53for cool
15:53Josh
15:54because otherwise
15:55people would
15:55think he's
15:55temperature-ly
15:56cool Josh.
15:58What's wrong
15:59with being
15:59temperature-ly
16:00cool Josh?
16:00Because he's
16:01not temperature-ly
16:02cold.
16:02Look at him.
16:03He's sweating.
16:04He's cool Josh.
16:04I'm freaking
16:05wet as hell.
16:08He actually
16:09just signed off
16:10an email to me
16:11by saying
16:12he's freaking
16:12wet as hell.
16:14That's cool.
16:16Hold on a sec
16:17Sammy baloney.
16:18I can't
16:19abolish this.
16:21My sign-off
16:22is A.
16:25Now let me
16:26ask you
16:26does that
16:27need to be
16:27an email?
16:29Yeah.
16:30Do you think
16:31it should have
16:31been a meeting?
16:33I do.
16:34I think we
16:35should meet
16:35face-to-face
16:36and do finger
16:36guns in person.
16:37I don't
16:38they don't
16:38convey.
16:39Oh another
16:40person trying
16:40to finger me.
16:44Sam
16:46have you
16:47considered
16:48that you
16:49don't need
16:50to change
16:50your email
16:51sign-off
16:51every time
16:52you have
16:53it auto
16:53filled in
16:54your email
16:54so that
16:55every time
16:55I reply
16:56to an email
16:57they are
16:58getting my
16:59actor's website
17:00which I have
17:00in fact
17:01forgotten
17:02is at the
17:02signature of
17:03my email
17:03when I'm
17:04emailing
17:05the sweet
17:05green
17:05corporation
17:06because my
17:07points are
17:08not going
17:08through
17:08that they
17:09can see
17:10my headshot
17:11and co-star
17:12role
17:13that's actually
17:14below the
17:15sign-off
17:15you know
17:16insert
17:16whatever
17:17Sam
17:17www.here's
17:19my LinkedIn
17:20like I'm
17:20not I have
17:21no issue
17:21with that
17:22the issue
17:23is trying
17:23to express
17:24a sentiment
17:25that doesn't
17:26need to be
17:26there
17:26all we need
17:27is your
17:28website
17:28just end
17:29the email
17:29and then link
17:30to your
17:30website
17:31add your
17:31phone number
17:32I don't
17:32care
17:33but doesn't
17:34doesn't
17:34politeness
17:35and norms
17:36keep us
17:37in a box
17:38so that
17:38we can
17:39form our
17:40feelings
17:41in a way
17:41that doesn't
17:42break out
17:42into
17:43chaos
17:44into a way
17:44where cool
17:45Josh is
17:45outside wet
17:46on a playground
17:48or falling
17:50around from a
17:50building
17:51and attacking
17:51the security
17:52guard saying
17:53water balloon
17:54fight
17:54water balloon
17:54fight
17:54we need
17:55to make
17:55sure he
17:56is busy
17:56writing
17:57email
17:57sign-offs
17:59cool Josh
18:00is there
18:00email in
18:01the time
18:01that you
18:02exist
18:08leave me
18:09out of
18:09this one
18:11I just
18:12think
18:12I disagree
18:13with you
18:13as AI
18:14takes over
18:15I'm
18:15personally
18:15desperate
18:16for every
18:16scrap
18:17of human
18:17expression
18:17that's
18:18available
18:18to us
18:19and maybe
18:19you lack
18:20a little
18:20bit of
18:20the creativity
18:21that sets
18:21us apart
18:22from the
18:22robots
18:22so
18:25I've come
18:26up with
18:26some alternatives
18:27for you
18:27you could
18:28say cheers
18:28looking forward
18:29to it
18:30looking back
18:30at it
18:31full of
18:31fear
18:32socially
18:33fiscal
18:33and
18:34liberally
18:34conservative
18:37where
18:38was
18:39Hillary
18:39during
18:39Benghazi
18:40and
18:41of
18:42course
18:42A
18:43oh
18:44A
18:46A
18:46A
18:47I agree
18:48with that
18:50that was
18:51an AI
18:52joke
18:52AI
18:52and that
18:53time
18:57our next
18:58abolitionist
18:59is a terrific
18:59stand up
19:00and the host
19:00of the show
19:01Jaded Forum
19:01give it up
19:02for
19:02Yadoye Travis
19:11okay
19:13alright
19:14I'm gonna get
19:14right to it
19:15I believe
19:15we need to
19:16abolish
19:16the law
19:23and now
19:24of course
19:24I recognize
19:25that the law
19:26provides the
19:26basis by which
19:27things can be
19:28abolished
19:28and thereby
19:29providing the
19:30ontological
19:30foundation
19:31for this show
19:32and for this
19:33argument
19:33but what I do
19:34not recognize
19:35is whether or not
19:36that was a
19:36proper use of
19:37the word
19:38ontological
19:38I
19:39I do not
19:41know
19:41but what I can
19:43do is I can
19:44offer the bold
19:44argument that
19:45this show
19:45is about the
19:46only fruitful
19:47thing that
19:47the law
19:48has offered
19:49throughout
19:50history
19:50and now
19:51you may say
19:52but Yadoye
19:53think of all
19:53the other
19:54shows that
19:54have used
19:55the law
19:55as a narrative
19:56device
19:56and to that
19:57I say
19:57every single
19:59legal drama
20:00is better
20:00as wholesale
20:01fantasy
20:05imagine
20:06imagine a world
20:07where you watch
20:08law and order
20:08and the thing
20:09falls down
20:16I am physically
20:17fine
20:20imagine a world
20:21where you watch
20:22law and order
20:23and you watch
20:24ice tea
20:24unzip a clearly
20:26murdered body
20:27and you can say
20:28to your partner
20:28oh I wonder
20:30what happens
20:31in this episode
20:33and you can
20:34really mean it
20:36cops
20:37becomes a show
20:38where people
20:38just beat
20:39each other's
20:40ass for no
20:40reason
20:42just cause
20:43they kinda
20:44feel like it
20:45and training day
20:46is a way
20:47better movie
20:47if PCP
20:49is just
20:49kinda cool
20:52isn't that
20:53fun
20:54and now
20:55it gets
20:55not fun
20:56for a second
20:56I believe
20:57laws exist
20:57so that we
20:58not so we
20:59can create
20:59a more just
21:00world
21:01but so we
21:01can create
21:01a powerful
21:02illusion of
21:03peace
21:03in order
21:04to build
21:04confidence
21:05in the
21:05unimpeded
21:05movement
21:06and infinite
21:06growth of
21:07capital
21:07but they
21:08otherwise
21:08serve no
21:09application
21:09outside of
21:10Hollywood movies
21:11and I believe
21:12Vladimir Lenin
21:13said that
21:14just to stay
21:15on theme
21:15for the
21:16fucking show
21:21laws exist
21:22so that we
21:23can make it
21:23very clear
21:24that if
21:24if an
21:26Epstein list
21:27existed
21:29which it
21:30does not
21:32that we
21:33would highly
21:34disapprove
21:34of that
21:35guy
21:35and the
21:35people
21:35on those
21:36lists
21:37even
21:37international
21:38law
21:38relies on
21:39the threat
21:39of violence
21:40from an
21:40administration
21:41with no
21:42enforcing body
21:43to speak
21:43of
21:43and therefore
21:44is reduced
21:45to the
21:45same
21:45dance
21:46as I
21:46am
21:46which is
21:47figuring
21:47out
21:47when it's
21:48appropriate
21:48to post
21:49about
21:49multiple
21:49ongoing
21:50genocides
21:50in between
21:51reposting
21:52show
21:52promotions
21:53and its
21:53own
21:53subway
21:54takes
21:55clip
21:59yeah
22:01yes
22:03yes
22:04yes
22:04in this
22:04winding
22:05analogy
22:05the UN
22:06and the
22:07ICC
22:07are also
22:08doing
22:08subway
22:09takes
22:11and
22:12everyone
22:12100%
22:14agrees
22:14except
22:14two guys
22:15which for
22:16the analogy
22:16I guess
22:17are Mark
22:18Zuckerberg
22:18and Benjamin
22:19Netanyahu
22:19but those
22:20are just
22:20the actual
22:21guys
22:21so the
22:22metaphor
22:22doesn't
22:23work
22:23that good
22:25my bad
22:25I wrote
22:26it today
22:28I'm
22:28sorry
22:30I think
22:30at this
22:31point
22:31we have
22:31to accept
22:32that the
22:32western
22:32system
22:33of laws
22:33was designed
22:34to perpetuate
22:34the fantasy
22:35that Rudy
22:36Giuliani
22:36was once
22:37an asset
22:37to society
22:39and that
22:40our
22:40legal
22:41framework
22:41is just
22:41fodder
22:42for superhero
22:43movies
22:43so that
22:44the Avengers
22:44have a
22:45status quo
22:46to protect
22:46and so that
22:47we can have
22:47movies where
22:48fictional
22:48stand-ins
22:49for real
22:49Palestinians
22:50stand in
22:51a dusty
22:51field
22:52and shout
22:52Superman
22:54and actually
22:54receive help
22:56some of y'all
22:56didn't watch
22:57the movie
22:59it wasn't
23:00that good
23:00for Palestinians
23:01as you think
23:03and I believe
23:04in a world
23:04without laws
23:05that doesn't
23:06succumb to the
23:07Hobbesian vision
23:07of an inherently
23:08evil humanity
23:09we might be able
23:10to disabuse
23:10ourselves
23:11of the notion
23:11of an all-powerful
23:13sovereign leader
23:13that since the
23:14days of the
23:14enlightenment
23:15has transmuted
23:16itself from
23:17the divine
23:17right of a
23:18god-king
23:18into the
23:19elected rule
23:19of a president
23:21and his
23:21beloved
23:22corporate daddy
23:24we might be
23:25able to
23:25self-organize
23:26based on
23:27concrete
23:28and democratic
23:28debate
23:29without
23:29blinding
23:29ourselves
23:31with national
23:32myth building
23:32and having
23:33to negotiate
23:34with the
23:34will of
23:34slave masters
23:35who filled
23:36their mouths
23:36with and I
23:37quote
23:37nigger teeth
23:40that was a
23:41punchline
23:44abolish the
23:45law
23:45I yield
23:46my time
23:55well yeah
23:59abolish the
24:00law
24:00damn
24:02you got
24:03me
24:05you got
24:05me rubbing
24:06my chin
24:06thinking
24:07right now
24:08oh
24:10this is
24:11one of the
24:11most disgusting
24:12things I've ever
24:12seen in my life
24:14this is
24:15just some of
24:16the stuff in
24:16your lawless
24:17world
24:19this is the
24:20world that I
24:20want by the
24:21way
24:23crass abuse of
24:24black hair care
24:25products
24:26this is the
24:27world that I
24:28want
24:29when when
24:29cool josh was
24:30transforming
24:31behind the scenes
24:32he was putting
24:33the gel in his
24:34hair and he
24:34goes
24:36does anyone
24:37know where
24:37any high
24:37schoolers are
24:40and then he
24:40goes to
24:41teach
24:43uh-huh
24:44uh-huh
24:44oh
24:45I'm a
24:46convicted
24:46school teacher
24:49I would also
24:50like to say
24:50that that
24:51photo that
24:52you showed
24:52of Donald
24:53Trump and
24:54Jeffrey Epstein
24:55I thank you
24:57so much for
24:57cropping me
24:58out of it
25:01and I am
25:01so happy to
25:02do that
25:03but your
25:03metaphors
25:04confuse me
25:04greatly and
25:05use a lot
25:05of big
25:05words I
25:06would have
25:06appreciated
25:06you putting
25:07them on the
25:07powerpoint
25:08so I could
25:08learn things
25:10but I do
25:11love Instagram
25:12clip shows
25:13and I think
25:14Ice Cube
25:14would crush
25:15interviewing kids
25:16in the park
25:17oh my god
25:17100% agree
25:19100% agree
25:22it was
25:23it was iced tea
25:24but
25:25I will
25:26racism at work
25:29here's my
25:29question
25:30I don't
25:31need laws
25:32because I
25:32already have
25:33a place
25:33where I
25:34go
25:34where there's
25:35no law
25:35I go out
25:36into the
25:36middle of
25:37the ocean
25:37to do
25:38whatever
25:39I want
25:39and then
25:40when I
25:40come back
25:40to land
25:41I'm
25:42civilized
25:42lawlessness
25:43so you agree
25:44with me
25:44everywhere is
25:45the ocean
25:45is that
25:46what you're
25:46saying
25:47imagine a
25:47world where
25:47everywhere is
25:48the ocean
25:49yes
25:50everywhere
25:51everywhere is
25:51the ocean
25:52you can
25:52just piss
25:55you see it
25:57oh my god
25:58abolish the law
25:58everywhere is
25:59the ocean
26:00with no
26:00with no laws
26:01against public
26:02urination
26:02I'd have a
26:03clean record
26:03imagine this
26:05everywhere is
26:07ocean
26:07you can
26:08just piss
26:08it's beautiful
26:09wait wait wait
26:10wait wait wait
26:11if you could
26:12just piss
26:13then why do
26:14you guys keep
26:15bringing up
26:15this vladimir
26:16linguine guy
26:17and that's
26:18time
26:21oh my god
26:22the lectern's
26:22back
26:27our next
26:28abolitionist
26:28is a fantastic
26:29filmmaker and
26:30director of the
26:31nebula original
26:32film The Dinner
26:33Plan
26:33let's hear it
26:34for Patrick
26:35Willem
26:45war
26:49disease
26:51the cancellation
26:52of the show
26:53Mindhunter
26:54we live
26:56we live in a
26:58cruel world
26:58surrounded by
26:59horrors that
27:00border on
27:01incomprehensive
27:02but
27:03we also
27:04live amongst
27:05pure
27:06wonderful
27:07things
27:07that make
27:08life worth
27:08living
27:09fresh cookies
27:15cozy
27:16sweaters
27:20adorable
27:21small mammals
27:25but
27:26sometimes
27:26sometimes
27:28those pure
27:29wonderful
27:29things
27:30things become
27:30corrupted
27:31mutated
27:32and transformed
27:33into something
27:35monstrous
27:36which is why
27:36today
27:37I demand
27:38that we
27:39abolish
27:40those rabbits
27:41that are way too
27:42big so they're
27:42like the size of
27:43dogs
27:48rabbits
27:49now let me be clear
27:50I'm not opposed to
27:52all oversized rabbits
27:54some are okay
27:56the tricks rabbit
27:59seems like a fun guy
28:00I say let him have a bite
28:04this guy
28:08totally fine
28:09he likes going to the movies
28:11I like going to the movies
28:12I think we'd be friends
28:15internationally revered musician
28:17slash actor
28:18slash pro wrestler
28:19bad bunny
28:24counterintuitively
28:24he is a good bunny
28:26and personally
28:27I think it would be cool
28:28if he was even bigger
28:31but
28:32this thing
28:35shoot it
28:36into the sun
28:39now of all the horrors
28:40in the world
28:41why are these vile beasts
28:42my top priority
28:43for abolishment
28:44well for three reasons
28:46number one
28:48they're simply too big
28:51let's break this down
28:52with science
28:53okay
28:53so
28:54as you can see
28:55from this chart
28:58as a rabbit size
28:59increases
29:00it steadily becomes
29:01less endearing
29:03we start up here
29:04with cute whittle bun bun
29:05and move across
29:07toward Easter bunny
29:08also while I'm here
29:10quick side abolish
29:11is that allowed?
29:12I don't care
29:14abolish the Easter bunny
29:18yeah
29:18as far
29:20as far as secularized
29:22Christian iconography goes
29:23just be Santa
29:24or be nothing
29:26so anyway
29:27as we move across
29:28the x-axis
29:29and the rabbit size
29:30increases
29:31you must keep
29:31asking yourself
29:32the important question
29:34could this animal
29:35destroy an able-bodied
29:37first grader?
29:39as soon as the answer
29:41is
29:41maybe
29:43then the rabbit's
29:44likability
29:45goes
29:45sploosh
29:46straight down
29:47into what I call
29:48the monster blood zone
29:50named for R.L. Stine's
29:52iconic monster blood books
29:54about a mysterious
29:54substance that causes
29:55monstrous unnatural growth
29:57which brings me to
29:58reason number two
30:00they scare me
30:05here's a thought
30:06here is a thought
30:08that should never
30:09cross my mind
30:10hmm
30:10I wonder if that
30:12rabbit
30:13could kill me
30:16the food chain
30:17the food chain
30:18is meant to go
30:19plant
30:19rabbit
30:22fox
30:23human who exclusively
30:25eats fox
30:25and then vampire
30:29but these
30:30Flemish giant rabbits
30:32which can grow to the size
30:34and weight of Siberian huskies
30:36completely disrupt the chain
30:37this thing
30:41could kill a fox
30:42just by hopping on it
30:45and then what's next
30:46your daughter
30:50your best friend
30:51Chris
30:53Dame Judi Dench
30:57which finally
30:58brings me to reason number three
31:02international security
31:05recently
31:06a farmer in Germany
31:07figures
31:08has been selling
31:10his giant rabbits
31:11to the government
31:12of another country
31:13and what country
31:15would that be?
31:17North Korea
31:20now North Korea
31:22claims
31:22that they're buying
31:23these rabbits
31:24for food
31:24and sure
31:25you could take them
31:26at their word
31:26but I say
31:28that Kim Jong Un
31:29is actively breeding
31:30an army of giant
31:31man-eating rabbits
31:33monstrosities
31:33that will conquer
31:35the rest of the world
31:36and I'm brave
31:38for saying this
31:39by the way
31:41in retaliation
31:42to the speech
31:42North Korea
31:43will undoubtedly
31:44hack Nebula
31:45like they did
31:45to Sony Pictures
31:46because of the movie
31:47The Interview
31:47and they'll release
31:48all of my slack threads
31:50where I claim
31:50I can beat up
31:51the guy from Reacher
31:53but that is a risk
31:54that I am willing
31:55to take
31:56to get my message out
31:59and so once
32:00and for all
32:00abolish those rabbits
32:02that are way too big
32:03so they're like
32:03the size of dogs
32:04I yield my time
32:12Well Patrick
32:12I have to be honest
32:13I long ago
32:14learned how to
32:15tune out
32:15when a man
32:16screams at me
32:16about something
32:17being too big
32:22I've had the honor
32:23to do Abolish Everything
32:24several times
32:25and I have to tell you
32:26you do win
32:28for by far
32:29the most Freudian
32:30presentation
32:30I've ever seen
32:33I'll take it
32:35Now you sound like me
32:44My son
32:45wants to be a rabbit
32:50and as a father
32:52I want the best
32:53for my kids
32:55but the idea
32:57that he would only
32:57be a tiny little hair
33:00it doesn't sit
33:01right with me
33:02He should be
33:03a big boy
33:04a big giant rabbit
33:06who eats
33:06carrots
33:08carrots you've never
33:09seen before
33:12If you take this
33:13away from my son
33:14I will find you
33:15on the subway platform
33:18and I will
33:18give you a tour
33:19of the bathrooms
33:20that people
33:20don't know about
33:24That's all
33:25I have
33:28so many
33:29questions
33:30What I want
33:31to know is
33:32where does
33:33the Duracell rabbit
33:34fall
33:34on that graph
33:36That's a
33:37You didn't
33:38consider speed
33:39That's a regular
33:39sized rabbit
33:40and he goes
33:41and he goes
33:42I actually have
33:43additional
33:44materials
33:45Oh my
33:48You see
33:48the Duracell rabbit
33:49walks on two feet
33:51on his hind legs
33:52and so if you
33:53look at this
33:53rabbit chart
33:54as it becomes
33:55more human
33:56there's a curve
33:57here
33:58and I believe
33:58the Duracell rabbit
33:59lands somewhere
33:59around here
34:00Peak likeability
34:02Peak likeability
34:04He's okay
34:05He's okay
34:05What about the
34:06Energizer bunny
34:07Where does it land?
34:09Are those
34:09different guys?
34:13Is there a Duracell rabbit?
34:16Did I make that up?
34:17Is that just the
34:18Energizer bunny
34:19I can't think of?
34:20No
34:20I never said that
34:22My son knows a lot
34:24Sorry
34:25Josh
34:25Hang on a second
34:27Cool Josh
34:27Thank you
34:29If we're talking
34:30about different
34:31kind of rabbits
34:31where does
34:32B-Rabbit
34:33Eminem's character
34:34from 8 Mile
34:35fall on this?
34:41He's up here
34:42He's as likable
34:43as they come
34:44Daddy
34:44one more question
34:50Early in your
34:51PowerPoint
34:52you said
34:53let me be clear
34:54why you
34:55quoting Obama
34:58And that's time
35:03Our final abolitionist
35:05is a performer
35:06at the Upright Citizens
35:07Brigade Theater
35:07and the co-host
35:08of the monthly comedy show
35:09Close Friends
35:10Put your hands together
35:11for Chanae Icaro
35:22Thank you
35:23Thank you everyone
35:24Allow me to set the scene
35:27You're out with your friends
35:28and you look great
35:30You go up to the bar
35:32and you lock eyes
35:33with the guy
35:34across the room
35:35Like magnets
35:36you're drawn to each other
35:37You look in his eyes
35:39He looks in yours
35:40and for a moment
35:42the possibilities
35:43of your future together
35:44are infinite
35:46But then he opens his mouth
35:48and he says something
35:50so insidious
35:53so egregious
35:54that all of that
35:55comes crashing down
35:57So that is why today
35:58I have come to abolish
36:00white men calling me
36:01a black queen
36:03Yes
36:05Thank you
36:06Thank you
36:12Gotta go
36:15Yes
36:15And I think
36:16just looking around this room
36:17I'm pretty sure
36:18we're already on the same page
36:19that any white man
36:20who calls me a black queen
36:22should be eligible
36:23for jail
36:26Yeah
36:26I think our phone
36:27should just automatically
36:28start calling 911
36:30But
36:31in doing this presentation
36:33I was forced to
36:34kind of dig a little deeper
36:35you know
36:35just figure out why
36:37this makes me so distraught
36:38So
36:38you know
36:39I did some soul searching
36:40I went on some long walks
36:42and
36:42I came to the conclusion
36:44that
36:44that shit's just annoying
36:48I don't like it
36:51Like a white man
36:52will call me
36:53a black queen
36:53one time
36:54and for the rest of his life
36:56he'll say
36:56he's done the work
36:58okay
37:00but let's back up a little bit
37:02let's actually
37:03let's unpack this term
37:05black queen
37:06okay
37:06because by putting the identifier
37:09black
37:10in front of queen
37:11you are implying that
37:13it would be unclear
37:14that a queen
37:15could just be black
37:16which
37:17it gets a little dicey
37:20like
37:21okay
37:21if the scale is from
37:22racist to not racist
37:25it's almost like
37:26you tried so hard
37:28to be not racist
37:29that you accidentally
37:30bounced off the side
37:31of the page
37:32and it landed back
37:32at racism
37:34all the way around
37:36I think we're all
37:37on the same page here
37:38black queen
37:39don't call me that shit
37:40that's in the trash
37:42but
37:42what about
37:44queen
37:47okay
37:48so yeah
37:48now the conversation
37:49gets a little bit
37:49more nuanced
37:50because
37:51some people
37:52are allowed
37:52to call me a queen
37:54so I've decided
37:55to put together
37:56a list of people
37:57who are allowed
37:57to call me a queen
37:58if you identify
37:59as any of these groups
38:00feel free to clap it up
38:02these are the people
38:03who can call me a queen
38:05any gay guy
38:07yes
38:10my bodega guy
38:13Diego did you come
38:16okay
38:18Obama
38:23yeah obviously
38:25Obama is not here
38:26unless
38:27no
38:28okay
38:31white woman
38:32you made the list
38:33you made the list
38:34yeah
38:35y'all made it on there
38:37keep calling me that
38:37I like that
38:40my dog
38:40if he could talk
38:43wouldn't that be
38:44so cute
38:45oh my god
38:47straight white men
38:50it was a trap
38:52you still can't say it
38:57everyone who just
38:58wooed to be ashamed
38:59of yourselves
38:59are you even listening
39:00to me
39:02but it's okay
39:03it's okay
39:03I also made a list
39:05of things that
39:06straight white men
39:07can call me
39:08because I want to make sure
39:09that you know where you stand
39:11okay so these are things
39:12that white guys
39:13can call me
39:15my name
39:16that's a great one
39:22and that's the list
39:23thank you
39:24thank you
39:25abolish white men
39:27calling me a black queen
39:28thank you
39:34and that's our time
39:35that's crazy
39:36great show everybody
39:38that's crazy
39:39okay
39:39Lily do here
39:41she her hers
39:43I do identify
39:44as your bodega guy
39:45that's kind of where
39:47I fall on that spectrum
39:48couldn't help but notice
39:50you said
39:51noted war criminal
39:53Barack Obama
39:54is allowed to call you
39:55a queen
39:58but white men
40:00are not
40:02yeah
40:03the history
40:04the history there
40:05is just
40:06it's strong
40:07for one group
40:08so you can bomb Syria
40:08and call you a queen
40:11that's allowed
40:12that's allowed
40:13where do you draw the line
40:14also
40:19if we're talking about
40:21Obama calling you a queen
40:22what about
40:23mixed race guys
40:24covered in grease
40:25under the parameters
40:34I outlined
40:34that is allowed
40:36hey
40:37oh
40:38okay
40:39uh
40:40nice
40:46I mean I think
40:47you've posed
40:47such a slippery slope
40:49here
40:49what's next
40:50can those same guys
40:51not tell me
40:52that I'm not like
40:53other girls
40:55if so
40:56what's my personality
40:58what's my stink
41:00can I not
41:01caption my own
41:02Instagram photos
41:03black girl magic
41:04anymore
41:05no
41:07I also feel
41:08super weird
41:09when people
41:10call me a black queen
41:14but I guess
41:15I'm curious
41:16if I didn't see
41:17bi men anywhere
41:18on your list
41:19are you bi phobic
41:23you know
41:25they slipped
41:25through the cracks
41:26here
41:27but um
41:27I'll have to do
41:29more soul searching
41:29on that one
41:30I do appreciate
41:32you taking a census
41:33of Chandler Deem's
41:34fan base
41:38I'm not gonna lie
41:39I shouldn't have
41:40been surprised
41:41by the number
41:41of gay men
41:42that was interesting
41:43could the gay guys
41:45cheer again
41:47that's amazing
41:48security
41:51it felt like
41:52Chandler put them
41:53all back there
41:57cool Josh
41:57I need you to
41:58read what you
41:59wrote here
42:02because wait
42:04wait
42:05will you say
42:06your name again
42:08Chene
42:08don't you mean
42:10Chene
42:15sorry he had
42:16to write that
42:16down
42:17he wrote that
42:18he had to
42:18write that down
42:19that could just
42:20be a thought
42:22it's three y's
42:23oh I had to
42:24think about
42:26it's the first
42:26thing he wrote
42:27down
42:29oh hey
42:31hey
42:31hey
42:31hey
42:32hey
42:32I did
42:33the work
42:33and that's
42:34time
42:37let's welcome
42:38all our
42:39abolitionists
42:40back to the
42:40stage
42:41Sam Corbin
42:43Yadoye Travis
42:46Patrick Willems
42:48and Chene
42:49Icaro
42:55we're now
42:56going to
42:56determine
42:57what is
42:57going to
42:58be
42:58abolished
42:58this
42:58will
42:59be
42:59determined
42:59by
42:59audience
43:00acclaim
43:00using a
43:01proprietary
43:01piece of
43:02abolish
43:02everything
43:02technology
43:03the
43:03Chirometer
43:043000
43:08we've also
43:09placed other
43:09Chirometers
43:10throughout the
43:10room to
43:11ensure a
43:11balanced
43:12reading
43:13and the
43:13winner
43:14will receive
43:14this
43:15counterfeit
43:15sack of
43:16cash
43:16and an
43:17invitation
43:17to our
43:17world
43:18championship
43:18season
43:19finale
43:19so
43:19let's
43:20begin
43:21who
43:21thinks
43:21that we
43:22should
43:22abolish
43:22email
43:23sign-offs
43:28who
43:29thinks
43:29we
43:29should
43:29abolish
43:30rabbits
43:30that are
43:31so big
43:31they're
43:31the size
43:32of
43:32dogs
43:38who
43:38thinks
43:38we
43:39should
43:39abolish
43:39the
43:40law
43:45and
43:46who
43:46thinks
43:47that we
43:47should
43:47abolish
43:48white
43:48men
43:48calling
43:49Cheney
43:49a
43:49black
43:50queen
43:56Cheney
43:57and
43:57Yodoye
43:58please
43:58step
43:58forward
44:01give it
44:02up one
44:02more time
44:02for all
44:02of our
44:03abolitionists
44:07okay
44:08who
44:09thinks
44:09that we
44:09should
44:10abolish
44:10the
44:10law
44:15and
44:16who
44:16thinks
44:16we
44:16should
44:16abolish
44:17white
44:17men
44:17calling
44:17Cheney
44:18a
44:18black
44:18queen
44:20my
44:24friends
44:25we
44:26have
44:26abolished
44:27white
44:27men
44:27calling
44:28Cheney
44:29a
44:29black
44:29queen
44:32congratulations
44:58to Cheney
44:59time
45:00goodnight
45:00well
45:01I'm sure
45:02that the
45:02white
45:03only
45:03water
45:04fountains
45:04tasted
45:04good
45:05wait
45:05wait
45:06till you're
45:06trying
45:06the
45:06iPhone
45:07only
45:07ones
45:08it
45:15you
45:16you
45:22you
45:23you
45:23you
45:23you
45:36you
45:38you
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