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8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Season 29 - Episode 01: Jon Richardson & Judi Love, Rob Beckett & Katherine Parkinson, Spencer Jones
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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr Jimmy Carr!
00:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:04Ta-da!
00:05Hey!
00:07What?
00:09Thank you very much.
00:11I...
00:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:16Manage your expectations.
00:18Now, have we got a show for you?
00:20That remains to be seen.
00:22I'll tell you what we do have.
00:23Go wild and crazy.
00:24I'll bring them all out at the same time.
00:25We've got John Richardson, Rob Beckett, Judy Love,
00:28Katherine Parkinson, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley.
00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:32That's something.
00:33That's the show.
00:34Hey, calm down.
00:37Get in there.
00:39Right.
00:42OK.
00:44Oh, yeah.
00:46Spoiler alert.
00:47Uh, John wins.
00:50OK, everyone, we're ready to go.
00:51Let's do this.
01:27Hello and welcome to Out Out Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:33OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, we've got team captain John Richardson.
01:44Big dog daddy, that's what I'm talking about.
01:47Well, one of those words is factually correct.
01:51Really? Yeah, and it's not big or dog.
01:54You've got to hand it to John, because he's so small, he can't reach it by himself.
02:00It's... People meet me and they genuinely think I'm about three foot two.
02:05And John's teammate Judy Love.
02:11Judy once went to a concert to see her favourite band, Blue, and got so excited that she threw her
02:17bra on stage, killing all four of them.
02:25Who's your favourite member of Blue? I love Blue.
02:27I think it was Simon. Simon was lovely. But the bra was, yeah, it did. It was like, it was
02:33like a tent.
02:34Like, one love. It was just like, yes.
02:37Up against him this evening, we've got team captain Rob Beckett.
02:46We do a lot of jokes about Rob's teeth, but, er, to be serious for a second, if you are
02:50feeding him, remember flat palm and let him come to you.
02:53LAUGHTER
02:56LAUGHTER
02:58They're great teeth.
03:00Thanks.
03:00Are they, are they veneers or are they, they're your own teeth? Because they're good to do.
03:05Who would get that done?
03:06Sorry, I'm...
03:08LAUGHTER
03:09They are big, aren't they?
03:10No, they're not.
03:11And when I laugh, it looks like they're running out.
03:14LAUGHTER
03:15Joining Rob tonight, it's Katherine Parkinson.
03:18APPLAUSE
03:22Katherine is an actress in her 40s, so there's still lots of parts for her on television.
03:27Whether she wants to play a divorced mother of five, an ageing spinster, or a kindly grandmother.
03:32There's all kinds of opportunities.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:36I'm only just in my 40s, I'm nearly out of my 40s, but, so thank you.
03:40LAUGHTER
03:41John, now you recently... Hello.
03:43You voiced Grouchy Smurf in the Smurfs movie. How did you get that wrong?
03:47Why were you cast, do you think?
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49Well, I think Fanny Smasher Smurf had already been cast.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:55Yeah, it's, er...
03:58It's in the deleted scenes, but it's well worth checking out.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:01If you nip out to the toilet, there's a chance you missed my entire input to the film.
04:06Technically, I was in a film with Rihanna.
04:08And she doesn't know who the hell I am.
04:11LAUGHTER
04:12You were in a film, haven't you? You were like a bird that commentates on films.
04:16Yes.
04:17And you were in Cinderella, which we love.
04:19Yes, I was in Cinderella, but...
04:21Really, did you do what?
04:22Active.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25What part in Cinderella?
04:27I was the pervert trying to get off of her.
04:30LAUGHTER
04:30It's good they let you keep the glasses, though.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:35Can I, erm... Go on.
04:36I can tell you that, I mean, part of the reason we watched that is because, erm, my husband originally
04:42had that part, but they, erm, had him in his costume and he did a scene and they thought he
04:47looked too pervy.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:49So they've got someone who looks pervy.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:53Well, I think, though, Camilla Cabello looked very young as Cinderella.
04:56She looked very young and my husband is, is, yes, my age.
04:59And a convicted pervert.
05:02OK.
05:03Judy, what would be your perfect day off?
05:05Er, I think it'd be at home not having to do any kind of maths or work with numbers and
05:12words and shit like this.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:16I don't want to cook, I don't want to talk to no-one, I don't want to, no, I don't
05:20want to do anything.
05:21I'll be honest, you get bored of it.
05:22You asked me, what, who said I'd get bored? I've got kids.
05:24When you say you've got kids, how many kids you got?
05:26Two.
05:27Yeah, two.
05:28How old are they, Judy? One's 20.
05:29One's, yeah, but...
05:31That doesn't count, you're not on the front line of a three-year-old.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:34Er, Rob.
05:35You got a mascot?
05:36Yes, I do, I have got a mascot, actually.
05:38Erm, so, one of my favourite pastimes, erm, a little hobby of mine, is tripping up children.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:44Erm, when you've got kids, you're a lot of parties, soft plays, and there's always a couple
05:48of idiot kids that are being mean to your kids, so a little, as they're sprinting past,
05:53being able to have a little leg out...
05:55LAUGHTER
05:56..just to catch them on the run and...
05:58LAUGHTER
05:58Ever do it to your own child, or...?
06:00No, no, don't, no.
06:01No, I don't, I don't just do it to all children, it's just, you know, I'm getting older,
06:04kids are getting younger and quicker and stuff like that, so what I've got is, I've had
06:07some special shoes made to help me with the tripping up, cos it can get difficult,
06:12I've got these, they're only a prototype, I think they're going to take off.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:22APPLAUSE
06:24Can you see these out here? I'd like to see these...
06:27Yeah, see, like, obviously, I've got them to look like normal shoes that people don't notice.
06:31LAUGHTER
06:32Yeah, no, I'll come round and show you what...
06:34Oh!
06:35I don't have to...
06:36LAUGHTER
06:37LAUGHTER
06:38It's not really that...
06:39What's that?
06:39What's that?
06:40What?
06:42Well, you can tell, you can tell, you can tell when you know...
06:48LAUGHTER
06:51They're cool, they're really cool, yeah.
06:54They're right, aren't they?
06:54I think they might catch on.
06:54It's like a classic pair of sort of laced-up trainers.
06:58LAUGHTER
06:59Say you're at a party, you just sat down having a chat.
07:02LAUGHTER
07:02You're having a drink.
07:03Kid run past in a coffee shop, fuck off!
07:07And then you're just easy to go, twat!
07:11LAUGHTER
07:11Can you run in those?
07:12What's that?
07:13Can you...?
07:13I'm not chasing kids.
07:14LAUGHTER
07:15You look like someone who chases kids, if I'm honest.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:30Oh, nice rhythm.
07:31Oh, my God, very good.
07:32Brilliant, thank you.
07:34Well, that was...
07:35That was close, though.
07:37You nearly went.
07:38Yeah, so, if you want a pair, let me know I'm going to start a...
07:41Crowdfunder.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:43LAUGHTER
07:46LAUGHTER
07:47It's quite long.
07:50Rob, Becky, everyone.
07:51It's got lots of shoes.
07:57It's sort of...
07:59Oh, my...
08:00Catherine, um...
08:02Catherine, have you got a mascot?
08:03Yeah, but it's nothing like that.
08:04I mean, you've created yours.
08:06Have you made those yourself?
08:07Yeah, absolutely.
08:08That's...
08:09I mean, this is...
08:10This is shop-bought, what I've got.
08:12And it's just to relieve tension in the drawer.
08:15But when I first got it, I did...
08:17I used it this way for quite a while,
08:19until somebody...
08:21So it was actually this way.
08:22What...
08:23And you do it, put it...
08:24Oh, my God.
08:25Oh, my God.
08:26Oh, my God.
08:26What is going on there?
08:27It looks good.
08:29That's very briefly, like, the same work that I've had done.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:33It'll have bits of my dead skin on it now, but...
08:36Not a problem.
08:36Go ahead.
08:38LAUGHTER
08:39It's nice, isn't it?
08:42It doesn't look great.
08:44Someone...
08:45Someone's going to Photoshop something in there, Rob.
08:49As it pushes back, it unlocks the jaw.
08:52It does, it does.
08:53Because they're white as well, it looks like your teeth are sort of escaping.
08:57LAUGHTER
08:58It's going to pull them back.
09:00Judy, have you got a mascot?
09:02I have...
09:03Because when I come on the show, I get a bit nervous.
09:06I'm always worried about, like, what's going to be the end result.
09:10But because of that, I thought, let me just relax myself.
09:13I've got my crystal ball, so I can get predictions.
09:18Ooh.
09:19Yeah.
09:19I can see things, like, now I can see this gorgeous, gorgeous woman.
09:24Very, very...
09:25Oh, God, look at her.
09:26Just hot.
09:27Oh, sorry, that's me.
09:28Sorry.
09:29But I can see lots of little things.
09:32I can see John at home by himself arguing with a thermostat.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:40I'm not paying these prices, I'll put a cardigan.
09:42Yeah, yeah.
09:44Susie, I can see Susie in the afterlife having a conversation.
09:48Well, actually, pulling up God because he said Pacific instead of specific.
09:53Have a break, girl.
09:55Have a break, do you know what I mean?
09:57OK.
09:57Yeah, I can see...
09:58Hang on.
09:58Susie's dead in that.
10:00Yeah, but she's not...
10:01She buried the lead on that.
10:02How did she die?
10:03She doesn't die by being tripped up, does she?
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07But what I mainly can predict is that we're going to win...
10:12The silence!
10:13That was killing!
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16Of course, Susie, let's enjoy while we've got it.
10:18OK, John, have you got a mascot?
10:20Yes, well, it's a business venture, really, Jimmy.
10:22Oh!
10:23So I've gone into music, tribute bands, a lot of coin in tributes.
10:28So I found this guy who does Elvis, first of all.
10:31He was my first act, but he was a bit...
10:33Well, he was shit.
10:34So people would ask who he was.
10:36So we had to rename him Elvish.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:40So sometimes, sometimes you want to update an act
10:43while you're doing the tribute.
10:44So I've got a modern Johnny Cash, called Johnny Contacts.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:51And I sort of brought all the songs up into the modern age.
10:55He's got a song about Dodgy Market called Ring of Fire Sticks.
10:58LAUGHTER
10:59I've got a one-man Led Zeppelin, cos I can't afford all of them,
11:03so that's Les Zeppelin.
11:06LAUGHTER
11:07I've got loads of these.
11:08I've got a one-man Iron Maiden.
11:10Brian Maiden.
11:12LAUGHTER
11:13I've got as many of these as you want.
11:14One-man take that, Jake that.
11:16Oh, that is.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:18And then I saw the Oasis gigs, and I thought,
11:20well, there's got to be coin in that.
11:21I thought, one thing that puts people off going to the Oasis gigs,
11:24I think there's a bit of a reputation for being quite laddy
11:26and quite unpleasant, or piss-throwing and all that.
11:29So I thought, how do you change that?
11:30Well, you just... The music speaks for itself,
11:32so you just make it less laddy and less toxic.
11:34So I've got a tribute band called OA Sisters.
11:37LAUGHTER
11:38And I'm delighted to say, making their TV debut,
11:41I've brought them along tonight.
11:42So, ladies and gentlemen, OA Sisters are here.
11:46APPLAUSE
11:56So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late,
12:02but we're walking on by.
12:06LAUGHTER
12:07My soul slides away
12:13Don't look back in anger
12:15I heard you say
12:18APPLAUSE
12:24You were slightly OK.
12:27You were?
12:28The only key that I need
12:30is the one that I'm going to scrape down your fucking car.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:34You know, you are a woman with a soup spoon
12:38in a world full of steak.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:43I've had a fucking enough of this.
12:45I'm...
12:46..fucking enough.
12:47You?
12:48You weasel in cardigan-wearing little squat.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:53You better pay us what you owe.
12:55Yeah, I agree with her, actually.
13:06And over in Dictionary Corner, please welcome Spencer Jones.
13:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:19All right.
13:20Spencer, good to have you back.
13:21What have you been up to recently?
13:23I've been, um...
13:24Everyone's got a dodgy offy that they go to.
13:26But what I like to do,
13:27when I go to the dodgy offy,
13:29give the boys the red stripe,
13:30empty the bag,
13:31put the bag on your head like that,
13:33put that round that ear like that,
13:34and then round that ear like that,
13:35and then...
13:36..oh-oh.
13:38LAUGHTER
13:38HE HOOK HE HOOK HE HOOK HE HOOK HE HOOK HE HOOK HE HOOK HE HOOK!
13:42You might...you might get signed by George Bailyn.
13:45I'll take it.
13:46Want some more?
13:46Yeah!
13:49I'm sure the best thing I came up with in lockdown.
13:51All right?
13:52I'll be honest.
13:53It's the only thing I came up with in lockdown.
13:57Happy Mother's Day!
14:05I've got banned! I've got banned from TikTok for that.
14:09Oh, my God!
14:12There's one other thing. There we go.
14:15Sometimes when you're visiting a hospital, you know, it's a sad time.
14:18People are dying.
14:19But they've got plenty of these knocking around, which you can nick.
14:22You know, no-one will have a go at you.
14:24You can do sort of like, you lie! It's fine!
14:31Move! No, no, no.
14:33It's too cheap.
14:35Anyone got work tomorrow?
14:38Me too.
14:40What you can do, when you put one finger in like that,
14:43and then that one comes through there like that,
14:44and then that finger go in there like that,
14:46and then that one and that, and then...
14:48Oh, my God!
14:53And they'll be dying, but they'll be laughing.
14:56And then what you can do, you squeeze it like that,
14:58and then twist it like that, and then...
15:00and he's like that.
15:01LAUGHTER
15:02APPLAUSE
15:03THEY LAUGH
15:03THEY LAUGH
15:04THEY LAUGH
15:06THEY LAUGH
15:07APPLAUSE
15:08OK.
15:10APPLAUSE
15:10Point to jump.
15:13And with Spencer, of course, it's Susie Dent.
15:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:19Last Valentine's Day, Susie Dent co-wrote a romantic radio drama.
15:24I listened to it, Susie, and I'll be honest with you,
15:25I was bored stiff.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:28Susie, what words make you laugh?
15:31Uh, lots of words make me laugh.
15:33In the historical dictionary,
15:35there's a word for someone who wishes bad luck upon someone else,
15:39and they are described as ill-willy.
15:41If you are kind towards someone, you are good-willy.
15:44And if you really wish death and destruction on someone,
15:47you are evil-willy.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:49And these are all from the 17th century.
15:51I can't imagine you've ever been described as being good-willy.
15:54LAUGHTER
15:56LAUGHTER
15:56And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
16:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:04Rachel, have you ever been tempted to get a tattoo?
16:07You know, I feel like everyone's got one except me,
16:09so I would quite like to get one.
16:11My brother's got absolutely loads,
16:13but you've got to get it right, haven't you?
16:14You've got to get something meaningful and something you don't regret.
16:16So I'm thinking of getting your face, like, here,
16:21so, like, the mouth can be my belly button,
16:23because, basically, I really want to know what it looks like
16:25to see your face on real human skin.
16:29LAUGHTER
16:32APPLAUSE
16:36OK, the prize that seems to be competing for tonight
16:38is this, the Countdown Fencing Kit.
16:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:09I thought they were beekeeping.
17:12One in the blue, let's see your face!
17:14Hey!
17:14I knew the second one was a brother.
17:16I knew it.
17:17I don't know, it was just something in his walk.
17:19I said that to you.
17:19You said, you said, I could tell from his walk he was black
17:21and I didn't know what to say.
17:24LAUGHTER
17:25Literally.
17:27I whispered it to John, I was hoping John would say it,
17:30but I didn't want it to get cancelled,
17:31but I just saw it in his walk.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:34I don't know what that man is called, but, um...
17:38RUN!
17:39LAUGHTER
17:41OK, let's Countdown everyone.
17:43Time for the first game.
17:43Rob and Catherine, you get the first pick of the letters.
17:46A vowel, please. Yeah.
17:48Can you have an E?
17:48A consonant, please.
17:51N.
17:52Another vowel, please.
17:54A.
17:55A consonant.
17:56G.
17:57Another vowel, please.
17:59I.
17:59A consonant.
18:00S.
18:01Another consonant, please.
18:03L.
18:04A vowel.
18:05U.
18:06And another vowel, please.
18:10LAUGHTER
18:11Can I have an E stop a second?
18:13When you said that, the crowd ood, which I felt like
18:16you'd made a bad decision, but I wasn't listening from your
18:19Oh.
18:20Do we think that's too many vowels?
18:22Can I...
18:22Consonant, please?
18:23Consonant.
18:24Very unusual that someone messes up the picking of the letters.
18:28OK, while you crack on with that, I've got a side hustle.
18:31I'm a couples therapist.
18:33LAUGHTER
18:35OK.
18:37Right.
18:38Have a look.
18:41Next.
18:49This is, uh, this is Mark Obama and Oprah Woofrey.
18:53LAUGHTER
18:55And your time starts now.
18:57Uh, well, where should we begin?
18:59OK, well, tell me about your sex life.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03So you just do it doggy style, do you?
19:06LAUGHTER
19:07Mark Obama, you're saying she won't let you bury her bone anymore?
19:11LAUGHTER
19:13You've got, if you don't mind me saying, real dog breath.
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16How did you two meet?
19:17LAUGHTER
19:18Dogging.
19:20LAUGHTER
19:20Mate, I think you should leave her, she's a bitch.
19:25LAUGHTER
19:25LAUGHTER
19:27LAUGHTER
19:27Well, I see you two have, uh, made up now,
19:29so that'll be £500, please.
19:32LAUGHTER
19:34OK, round of applause, everyone, for our dogs and their handlers.
19:38APPLAUSE
19:44Rob, how many?
19:45Six.
19:46Catherine, how many?
19:47Six.
19:48Six, OK.
19:49Judy?
19:50Six.
19:50John, how many?
19:51Seven.
19:52OK, Rob, what's your six?
19:53Aliens.
19:54Catherine, your six?
19:55Claws.
19:56Oh, nice.
19:57Judy, your six?
19:58I had uncles.
20:00John, for the win, your seven.
20:03Uh, glances.
20:05Oh!
20:06Wow!
20:07He was really good, wasn't he?
20:09Seven points to John.
20:10APPLAUSE
20:12Uh, Susie, could they have done you better?
20:14You could have had lunacies for eight.
20:16So, at the end of that, John and Judy are in the lead with seven points.
20:19APPLAUSE
20:22On to our first numbers round.
20:24Judy, you get your pick of the numbers.
20:27Uh...
20:27No, just do it.
20:28Ten.
20:29Ten?
20:30You can have up to four big ones.
20:32Yeah.
20:33And then the rest little ones.
20:34So, I'll pick...
20:37Ten.
20:38No.
20:39What numbers?
20:40Well, you don't get to pick the numbers, that's why it's fun.
20:44So, you get to say two big or three big or four big.
20:47OK, so, three big ones.
20:49Three big ones.
20:49Oh.
20:50And how many?
20:51Four.
20:51I don't think we were going to win this round.
20:53LAUGHTER
20:54Four small ones.
20:56Shall we go for three small ones?
20:57Three small.
20:57Yeah, three small.
20:58How many numbers can we pick all together?
20:59Six?
21:00It's changed.
21:01Has that changed?
21:02They haven't even changed the fucking chair.
21:06Bang!
21:06Richard Whiteley died in that chair.
21:08They haven't changed the fucking head.
21:10LAUGHTER
21:11It was different last time when I was picking numbers.
21:15It's exactly the same.
21:16You predicted the future tonight, you didn't see this coming.
21:18LAUGHTER
21:20OK, three small ones.
21:21Seven, nine, and ten.
21:24You've got your ten.
21:25And the big ones.
21:26Fifty, twenty-five, and one hundred.
21:29Oh, yes!
21:29I remember that.
21:30LAUGHTER
21:32112.
21:32OK, your target is 112.
21:34Your time starts now.
21:36Do you have to use it?
21:37I'm sorry.
21:39I'm sorry.
21:41I'm sorry.
21:41Right, I'm going to do it.
21:43Oh, I know.
21:47еюсь, I will stay my life.
22:08Woo!
22:08Woo!
22:12We're going running!
22:12Woo!
22:14We've got it running!
22:16Woo!
22:16We've got it running!
22:17Well, Rob, did you get it? Yeah
22:22Really quick you don't have to use all the numbers do you? Yes, okay?
22:35Did you get it well if I knew that we didn't have to use all the numbers of course I
22:40would have bloody got it
22:41I would have got it. I got 99
22:54Yeah, I did how did you get less than a hundred?
23:02100 take away 50 equals 50
23:07Take away 25 equals 25
23:1125 take away 10 left 15 and then
23:17I did this thing to a hundred was a hundred and fifty
23:21I did seven and nine which was 16 and took away 16 from 150
23:28Which was 99?
23:38Wow Judy do you want to be my accountant?
23:47I hope so having sort of whooped and sort of been all pleased with myself that I had I did
23:52get it I think
23:53Talk us through it. So nine take away seven is two. That was the hard bit. Thank you
23:57Plus ten is twelve plus a hundred is a hundred and twelve. Yeah
24:06John did did you get it I did 50 over ten plus seven for the twelve
24:11Yeah, that would do
24:12Nice
24:1210 points for both teams
24:15And here is your teaser the words are wang sight the clue is is it a hoi in here?
24:20That's wang sight is it a hoi in here?
24:22See you after the break
24:40Welcome back the answer to the teaser the words were wang sight the clue was is it hot in here
24:45is of course sweating
24:46Okay, so John and Judy are in the lead. They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is
24:51just for Rob and Judy
24:53Huh?
24:54So Judy your turn to choose the letters
24:56Vowel
24:57Yep, nailed it
24:58E
24:59Consonant
25:00T
25:02Consonant
25:03John while this is while this is going on we should probably
25:05Vowel
25:07Vowel
25:08I put just Pilates
25:09Oh, yeah, great
25:11Vowel
25:11Shall we?
25:12Yeah, we should we do it
25:14Continent
25:15T
25:15It's not that I'm not interested. I just think this is going to be shit
25:22And E
25:24I've actually only hired one machine so we're both going on at the same time so if you go there
25:28Yeah?
25:28Yeah, you grab that
25:32Was it lentils again was it?
25:36Okay, your time starts
25:38Now
25:39Can you feel the burn?
25:41lithium
25:55literary
26:08Thegi
26:08der
26:18So John Jim do you mind if I just take the tip out
26:23I've got tear if that's anything
26:27Judy love have you got your phone now? I was just checking the spelling
26:34So sorry John
26:39Yeah
26:40That reform Pilates explains why they're so fucking it's amazing. It's really good. I liked it. Yeah, but it's nice
26:47to be intimate
26:49Judy how many five six?
26:53Five six, okay, Rob. How many did you get okay? We're behind I've got a solid six long after I'm
26:58just gonna
26:58I'm going in for a seven. Okay. All right, so Judy. What is your six? I've got stereo
27:06Two E's the stereo. There's two E's here, right? Yeah, there are two E's. Sorry. Yeah
27:17I'm sorry to have to do this, but you're fired. Yeah
27:21Yeah
27:22Anyway, sorry stereo very good
27:23Thank you
27:26Rob your risky seven
27:28Yeah, well, I know
27:30First of all, I'm fucked up
27:33It was risky anyway, but it's even riskier now that I've included a third E
27:49I've got a place as a backup for seven if that's allowed. No, it's just Rob
27:53Okay
27:57Teachy's not in but treaties. Yeah, it is a tree
28:10Six points to Judy lost
28:14Susie Spencer could they have done any better toastier for eight?
28:18Tearious for eight and treaties for eight right now time for John and Catherine to go head-to-head
28:23I Catherine your turn to pick the numbers pick a big number
28:33Yeah, because two plus four equals six
28:37Judy write that down it might come in handy later
28:40All at once we have ten six five four and then your big two fifty and twenty four
28:47Help me please now the target 223
28:50I feel sick. Okay. Your time starts now
29:24Okay, so your target was 223
29:28John, did you get it?
29:30224
29:30A little bit disappointed. Catherine, did you get it?
29:33Oh
29:34224
29:35But I was very pleased with that
29:37You also got 224
29:39You also got 224
29:39Okay, alright, how did you get it?
29:40That's what I was going for
29:4125 times 10
29:4225 times 250
29:445 times 4
29:45Oh
29:45You got it
29:465 times 4, 20
29:475 times 4, 20
29:49Take away 20 from 250
29:51And then 230 minus 6
29:53Yep
29:54224 went away
29:55John, how would you have done it had you not been an idiot?
29:58If I hadn't recently been penetrated in the workplace
30:00LAUGHTER
30:0350 times 4 is 200
30:06200
30:06200
30:07Add 25
30:08225
30:09And then 10 over 5 is 2
30:10Yep, well done
30:12APPLAUSE
30:15So, John, you didn't get it in time, so seven points for both teams
30:18APPLAUSE
30:20Time now to go across the dictionary corner
30:22Spencer, what have you got for us?
30:24Well
30:27When I was younger, my Nan and Grandad had a
30:31A really, really aggressive parrot called Bobby
30:34And Bobby was ringside for every single argument my Nan and Grandad ever had
30:39And he learnt a lot of their swear words
30:41So I'm going to show you Bobby right now
30:43But firstly, I've got to put this here, like that
30:46And
30:47Like that
30:48Like that
30:50Like that
30:51You're going to work, Dad
30:52Yeah, and going to work
30:53Yeah
30:54Like that
30:55And so that's like that, yeah
30:57And then, grab that
31:00Like that
31:02Like that
31:03Like that
31:04Like that
31:04Like that
31:06Like that
31:09Every day stuck in this cage
31:12I just wanna fly away
31:20Every day looking at these walls
31:25But no one hears my calls
31:30Who's a pretty boy? I'm a pretty boy
31:32Who's a pretty boy? I'm a pretty boy
31:34They ask me all the time
31:37They're always asking me
31:41Holding this together
31:44Holding this together
31:46And some whole lot of feathers
31:51Oi!
31:53Stop that, you dirty bugger!
31:55Stop that, Derek!
31:56No!
31:57No!
31:58No, that's not my milk
32:00That's my milk!
32:01No, you can't part there
32:03No, stop that
32:04That is not my smell
32:06I did not fart
32:08Come out there!
32:10Come out there!
32:11Stop it, Derek
32:12I thought it'd be dead by now
32:13Anyway, just like that
32:15Spencer Jones, everyone
32:22And here is your teaser
32:23The words are
32:24R-snob
32:25The clue is
32:26Thank you, my lady
32:27That's R-snob
32:28Thank you, my lady
32:29See you after the break
32:46Welcome back
32:47The answer to the teaser
32:48The words were
32:49R-snob
32:49The clue was
32:50Thank you, my lady
32:51It was, of course
32:53Baroness
32:53Well done
32:58Well done
32:59Well done
32:59Well done
32:59If you could do it
33:00Well, we can score some fucking points
33:02It might be helpful
33:03Now, the keen-eyed viewer might have noticed
33:06That I've added an extra player
33:08It's because Rob and Katherine are lagging behind
33:11So I thought I'll give you an extra team member
33:13Please welcome everyone
33:14Comedian John Totill
33:17Very good to have you, John
33:19John Totill
33:20It looks like if you asked A.I. to draw a picture of Henry VIII before he let himself go
33:25I think I look a bit like your long-lost son
33:29Oh, my God
33:32You do not look like a family
33:34Yeah, absolutely
33:35Hello, darling
33:37Yeah
33:37I don't know, I feel like I'm being dragged into the gingers, to be honest
33:43How old are you?
33:45I am almost your age
33:46I'm 28
33:4728
33:48Almost his age
33:52Wow
33:53Wow
33:54How old are you?
33:55Come on here, Bob
33:5539, so actually, from where I'm from, old enough
33:58Yeah
34:01So, John, welcome to the show
34:03Now, you used to be a teacher, is that right?
34:04Yes, that's right, yeah
34:05I used to work in a primary school
34:06I'm certainly worried that I've been brought on here to support the losing team
34:10But I was not a good teacher
34:11But I was not a good teacher
34:12I was a really bad
34:13I was, in the words of one of my own students, a dogshit teacher
34:16I taught year four
34:18I taught year four
34:20Do you think you're going to help this team?
34:21No
34:22Oh
34:23I can't do a countdown
34:24I really can't
34:25I can't even count down
34:26Do you know what I mean?
34:27Counting up?
34:28You should see me counting up
34:29Fucking hell
34:29One, two, three
34:30I could go on
34:33You only practiced once a year at New Year's Eve, didn't you?
34:36Well, no, I used to practice in wet play
34:37Wet play?
34:39Horrible phrase, isn't it?
34:40Wet play
34:42If I'm honest, if you're a woman over a certain age
34:45Wet play is a good word
34:48John, have you a mascara?
34:50I do, yes, yes
34:52This is my clarinet
34:53Oh
34:53Now, there you go
34:54I don't make much sense as a person
34:56Unless you know
34:57That all I did
34:59For the first
35:0018 years of my life
35:02I know
35:02Was practice clarinet
35:03Wow
35:04Now, I haven't come here to brag or anything
35:06But between you and me
35:07I am what you would call
35:09Seriously good at the clarinet
35:10Wow
35:10And you know that's true
35:12Because why would I lie about that?
35:14I'm not coming here going
35:15The thing is, guys, I'm really good in bed
35:17I'm not
35:17I'm nothing to write home about in bed whatsoever
35:19What I'm really good at
35:21Is the clarinet
35:21You wouldn't lie about it
35:22With the clarinet in your hand
35:25You don't whip that out
35:26For wet play, do you?
35:30Can we get a little sample of this?
35:32Of course you can
35:45Of course you can
35:46Do you know what I mean?
35:47Wow
35:50Musical
35:51Musical
35:51Yeah
35:52It's all right
35:53It is a mad big girl
35:54It is a mad big girl
35:55It is a mad big girl
35:55It is a mad big girl
35:56It is a mad big girl
35:56There's not a dry seat in the house
36:00We're going to fuck you up
36:01John Totill
36:02Look what those fingers can do with a clarinet
36:06Wait till he gets on a biro
36:08Okay, John Totill, your turn to pick the letters
36:11Oh great
36:12Could I please have a vowel
36:14Yeah
36:14He's already more confident than us
36:15I don't know
36:16Could I have a consonant?
36:18M
36:18Another consonant please
36:19D
36:20Vowel please
36:21I feel so confident
36:22I feel really safe
36:23I
36:24Another vowel please
36:26A
36:28Could I have a consonant please?
36:30T
36:30Another consonant
36:32N
36:33A consonant please
36:34T
36:34And one last vowel please
36:36And
36:37Thank you
36:37An E
36:38Can you do this and play the countdown theme on the clarinet at the same time?
36:41I'll give it a go
36:42I'll put this song to me
36:43Yeah
36:45Absolutely, yeah
36:46Okay
36:47And your time starts
36:48Two, three, four
36:49Now
37:14Don't stop
37:27I've got seven
37:28John what have you got?
37:30I've got zero
37:30He's got nothing
37:31You've got nothing you were playing the clarinet
37:32I was playing the clarinet
37:32I've got an alibi
37:33Yeah
37:34Catherine you've got
37:35Seven
37:35Judy
37:36How many?
37:37Six
37:37Five
37:38Five
37:39Five
37:40Five
37:40Five
37:40Five
37:40Five
37:41Five
37:41I've got a name
37:41Dante
37:43Nice
37:44Classy
37:45Eight
37:46Okay
37:46John how many?
37:48We're all having fun over it
37:50Think we've done well
37:50You slide your eight in
37:51What's your eight?
37:53I did that on the pilates earlier
37:56Catherine what's your word?
37:57Tainted
37:58Tainted
37:59Tainted
37:59Oh nice
38:01Rob your seven
38:02Tainted
38:02Touch movie between
38:04Look at it
38:05Do you know what?
38:06Do you know what?
38:07I love John Richard
38:08Lovely car
38:09But when he's winning
38:10This little weasel comes out
38:13Okay, John what is your eight?
38:16Dominate
38:16There we go
38:17There we go
38:18Okay so that's eight points to John
38:21Okay Spencer
38:22Susie could they have done any better?
38:24Not any better
38:25We've got two other eights
38:26Antidote
38:27And a word I've never heard before
38:28Tomateen
38:29Tomateen
38:30Tomateen
38:31Yes it's a compound in tomatoes
38:32So at the end of that John and Judy are in the lead with 38 points
38:41Tomateen
38:42To Dictionary Corner
38:43Spencer what have you got for us?
38:46Um well currently I'm a bit skint
38:47But eventually you get paid and you go from
38:49I'm just going to have beans and toast tonight to this guy
38:55Just been paid didn't I?
38:58Put your money away mate I'll get these
39:01Uh twelve Zambucas please mate
39:03Does anyone else want twelve Zambucas?
39:05They're all for me!
39:06A while you've been skint
39:07You've been having a little look online
39:09You might have been having a look at a new laptop Susie
39:11Um but that little voice in your head
39:13Once you start it
39:14Starts to get louder and louder
39:16Starts going
39:17I'm going to buy Stebladder
39:20It's useful
39:23Heelys
39:24In my size
39:27So I bought that
39:35And you know like everyone's got a rap song that they swear they know the words to
39:39But they don't know the words
39:41You know that song they don't know the words they just know how every word sounds
39:44Happens in the car with me and a rap song will come and I'll go
39:46Kids I know this one from back in the day
39:48Don't know the words just make up the words
40:17It's like
40:19Are Rob's poll the clue is try and keep a straight face. That's Rob's poll try and keep a straight
40:25face. See you after the break
40:40Welcome back the answer to the teaser the words were Rob's poll the clue was try and keep a straight
40:44face
40:44It was of course bloopers. Okay time for our final letters game John and Judy your turn to choose the
40:50letters go on King late
40:52Wow
40:54Daddy's got this
40:59Why are you brewing that Jimmy's Jimmy's getting his gloves up
41:09So he eats a sandwich fucking serial killer
41:15May I have a consonant, please Rachel may and and a vowel, please. Oh
41:23Got to look two words
41:25And we're gonna stick thank you
41:33Consonant please L and a vowel, please
41:37You and the consonant, please. Oh a vowel, please eat
41:44I'm the consonant, please. Q. Okay. While you do that. I've got a patient to see a
41:49Consonant, please
41:51Okay
41:51Oh
41:55Consonant please
41:56And a final G
42:01Okay, next
42:05Oh you again with the dog breath how's the missus you can brush a little teetons, okay your time starts
42:13now
42:18Okay, how are your canines
42:20Such a good boy
42:21Such a good boy
42:23You want a brush?
42:24Brush, brush
42:24I don't want to want to want to
42:26It's nice, isn't it?
42:38Yeah, I tell you what you get
42:49Is this your dog could you give me a smile there? Cuz it's quite a
42:58Quite a resemblance
43:00Go on you go, you got a mummy
43:05Catherine, John, Rob, how many? I've got a five. Okay, John. I've got a three. I'll let you down. A
43:11three. Catherine, how many?
43:12I got seven Jimmy. Okay, Judy, how many? Surprisingly two
43:18We've got we've got seven Judy and I
43:22We've got a seven. Yeah, Judy. What's your two?
43:26No
43:28John, what's your no, no, no
43:34Yeah, Rob loner loner
43:37John your son
43:40Traditionally on the show you go with the risky one first
43:42I don't I don't give a shit cuz I'm just
43:46I don't give a shit or are you really annoyed? I'm here for shits and giggles mate and I've already
43:49had one
43:56Lounger, Catherine, is that your seven? Well similar. I've got longer
44:04Use for that so it's L O N G U E U R. Seven points to John
44:15Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better? No, lounger was ours as well
44:19Now whenever we have the clarinet played on the show we do something a little bit special the traditional countdown
44:25is a 29-point conundrum
44:26I look forward to losing that you've been you've been patronized Rob and I wouldn't stand for it
44:32Yeah, okay fingers on buzzers. It's time for today's
44:3729 points
44:38Countdown conundrum. She doesn't know where the buzzer is
44:42Wait fair this Judy. We didn't give you a buzzer because we don't think you're gonna need it
44:48Okay, fingers on buzzers. It's time for today's crucial countdown conundrum your time starts go on John. Yeah, at least
44:55look
45:00I haven't got it. Let's restart that
45:18Let's have a look and see you
45:21Judy love
45:21I can't shout that anyway
45:31Let's have a look and see you
45:32Judy love
45:33has got the conundrum
45:39So the the final scores are Robin Catherine and John have 17 points
45:48John and Judy have 74
45:57Judy fucking sit down
46:13I can't help
46:15Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this the countdown fencing kids
46:20The countdown fencing kit
46:35Well fencing geared down and football shirts on for the AFCON final Senegal versus Morocco live Sunday at half six
46:43on E4
46:44Here next on at Channel 4 are the secrets of their comedy genius finally revealed in taskmaster class
46:54Our
46:56You
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