- 2 hours ago
Hacks - Season 5 - Episode 05: D'Amazing Race
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:10Look at that speed Damien he's clocking at nine miles per hour oh let's get his info
00:18hmm the Harris team is looking good they were the laughing stock of the hospitality Olympics
00:22last year but they've really turned things around they've got a strong anchor she's quick but I
00:29worry about precision we're only staffing the best of the best at the diva oh is that what
00:34you're calling the casino mm-hmm the diva I like that diva oh look at that little one he lets
00:45the
00:45sock of the vacuum pull him he'll be less prone to injury smart I like his passion no
00:59can't do it horrible the trivia call it call it yes who do you think you are I am I
01:06am Ray
01:08motherfuckers we did good come on let's go you need to be perfect work for this work for this
01:13this is where a hotel succeeds or fails a well-made bed it's almost all there is look at him
01:19in the
01:19vest I like the way he handles the top sheet go Sophie go go I do not want to bring
01:25you tonight
01:26prove me wrong he's a surgeon quick but measured efficient but not careless fold that talk
01:33hospital quarters we went over there Sophie Jesus Christ check check
01:48I am the best bedmaker in the world
01:54girl I see you moment of truth yes good girl see I'm on your side girl
02:05you know what I miss go fish mom mom hi guys mom I need you oh no honey is Aiden
02:13leaving you
02:13this is what men do they leave okay you got to make sure that all the vehicles are in your
02:19name
02:19no are they no no no no mom they're finally doing celebrity amazing race oh remember you said that
02:28you would go on it with me if they ever made it oh oh yeah no DJ you know that
02:33I'm gagged I can't do
02:34any TV no performing for months nice try I called your lawyer you called Stuart well that's what you
02:39get for suing me for criminal negligence for breaking grandma's teapot okay Stuart and I have developed
02:44a lovely working relationship and he says you're in the clear as long as this season airs after the
02:49non-compete expires and it does so suck it no you are not allowed to do a reality show that
02:55has always
02:55been our rule mom this is really important to me okay you know it's important to me amazing race got
03:02me sober excuse me I think four hundred thousand dollars worth of rehab got you sober nope that failed
03:08episodes of the amazing race got me through some really dark times okay Phil Cogan is my higher
03:13power and you promised me that if I got sober we would go on it together okay okay you're right
03:19now think about it yeah think about it but I need an answer by five o'clock okay plus if
03:23we win we get a
03:24million dollars which covers my allowance for the year well honey I I think all that money goes to
03:30charity oh fuck really that's so stupid you know what I'm sure there's a workaround I still want to do
03:35it I'm gonna go practice driving on the wrong side of the road Christ yeah look I don't think
03:42it's the worst thing in the world for you to go on a reality show I mean there'll be a
03:45big announcement
03:45revealing the cast and you can get him to plug MSG in the press release you know she's right
03:50reality shows do give celebrities fresh relevance that's true but the problem with reality shows is
03:56you cannot control the narrative I mean that's why I've turned down Andy Cohen more than every twink on
04:01Fire Island and they can make you look however they want I mean don't worry about me but I mean
04:05they could really make DJ look like a fool I mean she doesn't seem to worry to me yeah and
04:11having her
04:12as my teammate would probably be out on the first leg I could be home in a week you do
04:18need to sell
04:18tickets well I guess it looks like I'm doing the amazing race girl I cannot wait to watch your ass
04:26it's gonna be great oh that's bad too food waste is so depressing you know this is the fourth blackout
04:40we've had this year it's the sixth two happened during separate 12-hour naps you were taking
04:45not sleeps naps and you slept those nights too it's even worse thank God I'm such a good napper I'd
04:53be
04:53even more stressed out about the climate crisis and don't monitor my sleep it's private but he's
04:58fascinating Jimbo what's up hey so I just finished lunch with Jessica Duncan and I have great news
05:09she loves the who's making dinner idea she wants to hear it are you serious yeah she flipped out it
05:15are you peeing what call me back if you're peeing I can talk to you in a second no I'm
05:19making coffee I
05:20although I have peed over on the phone before okay um anyway I want to get you and Debra in
05:26a room
05:26with her is Debra excited because this could be really big um I have not yet I haven't talked to
05:31Debra yet well you need to ASAP also I do need to flag one issue with the rights apparently when
05:39Frank died he left them to Kathy please tell me you mean to Jimmy why would I mean Kathy and
05:43Jimmy now
05:44Kathy her sister the one who hates her I even tried to grease the wheels I gave her a call
05:48today but
05:49she wanted to get off the phone because she said I was quote an enabler of her abuser who which
05:53I
05:53think is unfair but you know what we all have our narrative so whatever whatever to her she's a
05:57fucking bitch okay well uh I'll I'll talk to Debra let me know what our girl says and if she
06:03is not
06:04happy don't tell me just internalize it I think you're packing too much stuff you really have room for six
06:13rolls of toilet paper oh you can't just downgrade your toilet tissue out of nowhere I haven't had time to
06:17build up any kind of a tolerance it's a shock to the system I mean you can go to the
06:21hospital
06:21totally um hey while I have you so you know how I have that blind script deal mm-hmm well
06:29um I I figured
06:31out what I want to do uh I want to reboot who's making dinner oh um yeah it would take
06:38place in the
06:39same house but instead of a young couple it would follow some uh Gen Z friends who have to all
06:43live
06:44together to afford it I could pitch it and then you could just like totally rewrite it if you wanted
06:47to like just whichever whichever version works for you I feel like yeah done with but um I just want
06:52to run it by you because I really don't want to do a reboot of who's making dinner oh okay
06:58but you should
07:00uh no no no no I I wouldn't want to do it without you no no no I I'm moving
07:06forward with the garden but I give you my
07:09blessing are you sure I mean I know it's like triggering for you when people rewrite your story well I
07:19would trust you to do it
07:24thanks I won't let you down I know but you know I don't have the rights so I can't help
07:30you with that
07:46look at that headshot it's at least 20 years old we have two offers already and two others are
07:54writing so if you're interested I suggest you come in aggressively okay great thanks
08:02what the hell are you doing here nice bones Kathy not you the house how did you find me do
08:09you still
08:09have that P.I. following me P.I. what P.I. he died is there somewhere we can sit if
08:18we must
08:22I was surprised you weren't at the christening what we we both were I'm I'm AJ's godmother
08:28I am AJ's godmother oh god DJ must have had two christenings you want to alternate months
08:38so um listen I know why you're here I talked to Jimmy against the advice of my healer
08:44Debra you are not getting the rights to that show the thing is they're not they're not for
08:48Debra they're for me huh sure no really they are what are you going to do with them nothing
08:53well you don't know that I journal so what's your price you obviously need the money I don't
08:59remember you having a passion for selling real estate you weren't even good at playing house
09:03well you always made me be the maid well you were a natural I'm surprised you could remember anything
09:08at all I read that you had a psychotic break live on air no surprise there hope you're getting help
09:15just like you got help in the 90s with Prozac how did you I had DJ go through your trash
09:20like a good
09:21little girl okay my sisters let's turn the volume down Kathy is there anything we could do to change
09:27your mind well there is one thing no no let's go what when we were little our mother had these
09:38salt
09:39and pepper shakers do not waste your breath they were cherubic porcelain little blonde girls she used
09:45to say they looked exactly like us we loved them that's why we started shaker collections of our own
09:50then when mom passed Debra stole them from me I never stole them mom said she always wanted me to
09:56have them I'll give you the rights if you give me back the shakers which is never gonna happen
10:00see she's deliberately crushing your dreams it's sadistic really this woman is sick
10:11let's leave okay don't even think about coming back without those shakers
10:19oh windows cracked candles are lit there's mold run run
10:26hello
10:29I'm sorry I would pay anything I just can't I can't do that I get it I get it it's
10:37okay
10:37thank you for trying amazing race contestants take your places please
10:57oh my god this is the best day of my life thank you so much for doing this well you're
11:01welcome
11:02sweetie but just remember our deal okay you're representing the family yeah so went on camera
11:06no swearing right no unladylike behavior no talking back okay when in doubt ask yourself
11:13WWMD what would mommy do I know what would mommy do don't talk back I didn't I talked with we
11:20said
11:20the same thing okay hey everyone yes I would officially like to welcome you all to the amazing race
11:31now since this is our first celebrity race why don't we just talk a little bit about why you
11:37were taking part Drew and Jonathan what inspired you to be here today well we love to compete so
11:43not if but when we win very confident yeah yeah okay we're gonna be donating our prize money to the
11:49Alzheimer's Association we have a family member who died from Alzheimer's so we're going on this journey
11:54for the patients and doctors who are running the much harder race the one for a cure okay that's a
12:00great cause great cause yeah yeah yeah now uh J.R. and Richard we are playing for the United Negro
12:07College Fund right who also support HBCUs throughout the country yeah and the million dollars that we are
12:13going to win correct that's just a fraction of the 26 million dollars that the United Negro College
12:18fund donates every single year to scholarships awesome another great cause now what about you
12:25Deborah and DJ Vance I'm here to promote my comeback show at Madison Square Garden September 11th
12:35okay how about we get this race started everybody
12:40are you ready for your life-changing adventure yes we are let's go good luck travel safe
12:48go
12:55oh this is gonna be interesting
13:08okay drive yourselves to LAX and fly to Oaxaca Mexico when you land make your way to Campo Los Molinos
13:13you have $50 for this leg of the race
13:17mom this wedding I already stink
13:19no no no honey we have talked about a racerback cut on you
13:22stop it get in the car
13:38your next flight to Oaxaca Mexico
13:40hola
13:41we want the same flight they're getting
13:42yes yes please please
13:43hi Deborah I'm like I'm I love you so much I have to say I went as you for Halloween
13:48all
13:48of middle school about the fucking shit kicked out of me worth it
13:51no I'm obsessed with you
13:53Jordan just told me you do comedy too
13:57you have to tell you that
13:58well now that I know I'm obsessed we should totally work together the blonde comedy girls
14:04you're a comedian
14:05yeah well I can also talk really really really fast and what else oh I can do ASMR
14:10do you feel that do you feel it on the back of your neck she's major she's a generational talent
14:14and this is online comedy
14:16well I've also done Broadway and the Hollywood Bowl
14:19yeah she sold out in like under two seconds
14:21yeah it was super fun
14:23so should we make this official
14:25alliance
14:26allianciana
14:27allianciana
14:28we can call ourselves the funny honeys
14:31I don't think so thanks
14:34wait no mom
14:35mom no no alliances are a huge part of the race
14:37okay so listen what if there's a puzzle and we can't figure it out don't you want them to give
14:42us a hint on their way out
14:43that happens literally all the time
14:45absolutely not
14:46she says we're both comedians how dare she compare herself to me
14:49oh god
14:49they will get last and we will win this race
14:52come on let's go
14:56go
14:57don't be afraid to push
14:58don't be afraid to push
14:59don't be afraid to push
14:59get out of my bicycle
15:01go
15:22We need to go there.
15:24Are you paying attention?
15:26This is very important.
15:28We are in a race for one million doleros.
15:31RAPIDO! RAPIDO!
15:50Ah, damn it!
15:51I was hoping they'd be stranded and abducted.
15:54Where are the kidnappers from Sinaloa drug cartel when you need them?
15:57Oh, it's a roadblock. That means only one of us can complete the challenge.
15:59Okay, okay, okay, okay.
16:01Who's the big cheese?
16:03This one's addressed to me.
16:05Mom, every single contestant is a celebrity, okay?
16:07Get up! Get up!
16:08What's wrong with your fingers?
16:09Transport a wheel of cheese down the hill using a traditional antique cheese rack.
16:11Once there, you'll receive your next clue.
16:11Oh, yeah. I understood every word of that.
16:13Transport a wheel of cheese down the hill using a traditional antique cheese rack.
16:17Once there, you'll receive your next clue.
16:20Huh? Okay.
16:21All right, okay. This sounds complex.
16:22I think I should do this one.
16:23You're not that coordinated.
16:24No, no, no. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.
16:25Hopefully, you can complete this quick and catch up to the other teams.
16:28Wait, honey, honey, you're flyaways.
16:30Stop!
16:30Okay.
16:30All right. Can she take that again?
16:50What are you doing? Are you tying it? Just tying the cheese!
16:56Hey!
16:57That's it, teacher!
16:59I wanted to say before, um, I know you got canceled. It's mere campaign and everything.
17:04I just want to say, like, from cancel queen to cancel queen, like, it hurts the soul,
17:08helps the wallet. Just if I could give you any advice, you know, who am I to say?
17:12I'm, you know, 19.
17:16Okay, baby! You got this!
17:22That's it, girl! Come on, honey!
17:24No! No!
17:26Grant every footstep, but don't hunch. You're on camera.
17:30Steady. Steady!
17:32Trisha! Where are you?
17:36Oh, there's it. You got this, Trish!
17:40Okay. Okay.
17:43Oh, my God!
17:52Nice and easy.
17:56Oh!
17:57Oh!
17:57Shit!
17:58Oh, my God!
17:59Okay.
18:00Oh!
18:01Oh, my ankle!
18:02Honey, stop whipping. Stop whipping. It shows weakness.
18:04All right.
18:05Sweetie, one more thing.
18:07You're gonna have to get back up and grab the cheese and finish the challenge, okay?
18:13She's good. She's good.
18:16Tina of the time, and she's good.
18:17You're ito!
18:28Bye.
18:29Bye.
18:32Bye.
18:54Ava.
18:55Woo! Oh, hey.
18:58What are you doing?
18:59Me? Just me?
19:00Yeah.
19:01Oh, nothing.
19:02Uh, er, I just came down to get a midnight snack,
19:04but then by the time I got here, I was not hungry anymore
19:06because the house was so big and it took me so long to get down here.
19:08Totally.
19:09What's up with you? What are you doing up?
19:10Just walking the dogs.
19:12Okay. At this hour? That's curious.
19:14Well, when Debra's out of town, they get super anxious
19:17and just, like, shit everywhere.
19:19Oh, whew. Oh, sorry. I'm so tired.
19:23Oh.
19:25I gotta go to bed.
19:26Uh, but, yeah, it was good to see you.
19:29Good night.
19:30I'm gonna go. This is me. I'm headed this way.
19:32I know.
19:33Good night.
19:34Okay, good night.
19:35Good night, Damien.
19:36Okay.
19:38Wow.
19:40Now I kind of want a snack.
19:44Somebody help me right now.
19:48Bad situation, babe.
19:50I'm in a bad situation.
19:53I'm in a bad situation.
19:54I'm in a bad situation.
19:55I'm in a bad situation.
19:56I'm in a bad situation.
19:58I'm in a bad situation.
20:00That's the last clue.
20:01That means we're the last team.
20:02I have to beat that idiot woman.
20:04Look, we can still make up time, okay?
20:05We can make up time.
20:06Because in this race, the game's not over
20:09until you're standing on that mat
20:10and Phil says you're eliminated.
20:12All right.
20:12It's another roadblock.
20:13Who's got milk?
20:15Ooh.
20:15Okay, now, sweetie, why don't you sit this one out?
20:17What?
20:17Rest your ankles.
20:18What? No!
20:19Mom, what if it's a food challenge?
20:20We both know you are not gonna be caught dead
20:22eating full-fat dairy on camera,
20:23so I will be doing it.
20:24Well, that's true,
20:25but you didn't do so well in the last roadblock.
20:27This is my dream, all right?
20:29And I said I would be doing the roadblock,
20:30so the rules say that I have to do the roadblock.
20:33Okay?
20:33All right.
20:34Milk a goat.
20:35Milk a goat.
20:35Until you have two quarts.
20:36When you think you have completed this task,
20:38present your milk to the goat farmer
20:40to receive your next clue.
20:41No problem.
20:42Okay.
20:42All right.
20:43To the right.
20:43To the right.
20:44To the right.
20:46Okay, there it is.
20:46There it is.
20:47You got it.
20:47You got it.
20:48Just grab the gear.
20:52Jesus.
20:53She really is multi-talented.
20:55Aren't these goats so cute?
20:57I'm gonna get like six or seven when I get home.
20:59I don't like them.
21:00They're demonic.
21:01Why are their eyes so far apart?
21:03I'm done.
21:04Oh, we're done.
21:05Yay.
21:05Good to see you.
21:07Hey, hey.
21:09Don't, don't.
21:10Hold on.
21:11Hold on.
21:11Hold on.
21:12Get over there.
21:14Get your boobs easy for me.
21:16DJ, DJ, why don't you watch the nice man
21:17do it for a minute before you try?
21:19I don't need to watch the man, okay?
21:21Don't you remember when I had that
21:22past life regression therapy
21:23and I found out I was a milkmaid
21:24who was secretly a princess?
21:25I got this.
21:26Sure.
21:27You have to hold.
21:29Okay, well, she's being a bitch.
21:30That's not, that's not my fault.
21:32Pinch the top of the teat, DJ.
21:33The top of the teat.
21:34Hey, mom, hey, mom.
21:35If you could shut up for a second,
21:36that would help.
21:37You're distracting me, okay?
21:38What, the top of the teat?
21:39What does that mean?
21:39Which end is the top?
21:40Just, just watch the guy.
21:42Watch the guy
21:43and then do it the way he's doing it.
21:45Don't yell at me.
21:46Shut the fuck up.
21:47I need to watch the guy.
21:48Deborah.
21:48It's a roadblock.
21:49You cannot help your partner.
21:50I know, Elise.
21:52Gotta relax into it.
21:54Oh.
21:55Huh?
21:56Huh?
21:57You gotta relax into that past life.
21:59Oh, my God.
22:11Look at you guys.
22:14Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
22:16Calm down.
22:17It doesn't work,
22:18but I will hit you with it.
22:20And don't you dare touch anything
22:22in this shop, you harlot.
22:24I remember you.
22:25You threatened to smash a limoge vase
22:27to strong on me
22:29and to sell me to Deborah Vance.
22:30I did.
22:30I did do that.
22:31I was in a desperate situation,
22:33and I am once again
22:34in a desperate situation,
22:36but I come in peace.
22:38I need your help.
22:39Just some information.
22:41Ha!
22:41Go straight to hell.
22:43I'd never help you.
22:44Well, that's too bad to hear.
22:48Seems like you've got
22:49a lot of, um,
22:50inventory around here.
22:52And I did happen to notice
22:54some items on your website
22:55are heavily discounted.
22:58Maybe times are tough?
23:00Whew.
23:01Your generation
23:02doesn't understand antiques,
23:04but it'll come around.
23:05It's always cyclical.
23:07Well, if you want to wait
23:08for that to happen,
23:09be my guest.
23:10But what if I told you
23:11that I could take
23:12half your inventory
23:13right now
23:14at market value?
23:15I wouldn't believe you.
23:16You're lying piece of shit.
23:19That's wise.
23:20I can't.
23:21But I know someone who can.
23:23Marcus!
23:28Sam.
23:30Mr. Vaughn.
23:31You're looking fit.
23:34I'm decorating and furnishing
23:35an entire new casino
23:36with all vintage pieces.
23:39If you help my friend here,
23:40I'm sure we can make a deal.
23:42What's the style?
23:43Art Deco.
23:44Where?
23:44The old Paradiso.
23:45Fabulous.
23:46I need someone
23:48who can make me
23:49an exact replica of these.
23:54Why would you ask
23:55an antiques dealer
23:58where you could get a fake?
24:00Well, I seem to remember
24:02a certain psychotic bitch
24:04telling me
24:05that you once fooled her
24:07with a counterfeit
24:08Georgiou of sconce.
24:09I remember because she called it
24:10the worst betrayal of her life.
24:12Mind you,
24:12her husband porked her sister.
24:15So I need to know
24:16who your forger is
24:17because he's obviously very good.
24:21Well,
24:22lucky for you,
24:24you're looking at him.
24:27God, I love this town.
24:30Can I use your bathroom?
24:32No.
24:34I don't see anything.
24:36Well, are you looking?
24:37Of course.
24:38Of course I'm looking.
24:39I don't know.
24:40I should be running
24:41if I saw it.
24:41Don't be sacked.
24:42Wait, sit down there.
24:43Sit down there.
24:43Look, look, look.
24:44There it is.
24:45Hot.
24:46Finally.
24:46Come on.
24:47Ready?
24:47Okay, ready?
24:51This will be the one.
24:52This will be the one.
24:53This is it.
24:54Okay.
24:54Okay, detour.
24:56Detour.
24:56All right.
24:57Break or dance.
24:58Break.
24:58Enter a room filled
24:59with 10,000 Mexican ceramics
25:00and smash them on the floor
25:01until you find one
25:02containing a clue.
25:03Dance.
25:03Put traditional clown makeup
25:05on each other
25:05then learn a clowning dance
25:06from a demonstration.
25:07Once you successfully
25:08complete the dance
25:09to your judge's satisfaction,
25:10you will receive
25:10your next clue.
25:11Okay.
25:12Okay.
25:12I think we should do
25:13the pottery.
25:14What?
25:14I mean, that's simple.
25:15Something any idiot can do.
25:16Why are you gesturing at me?
25:18I'm not.
25:18I'm gesticulating.
25:19I'm Italian.
25:20You're not Italian.
25:21No.
25:21Mom, that'll take forever.
25:23We are already coming in last.
25:24We've got to make up time.
25:25If we get the clown dance
25:26on the first try,
25:27we can pass somebody.
25:28We can get out on the first try.
25:29Why?
25:29Let's just try.
25:30We're just not.
25:31We're...
25:31Look, look.
25:32I'm not going to put on clown makeup
25:34and do a silly little dance
25:35with you.
25:37I...
25:38I will look stupid.
25:41No, you're worried
25:42that I'm going to look stupid.
25:43You think I'm going to
25:44embarrass myself, don't you?
25:46Well, yes, I do.
25:47I do.
25:47I don't think you're going to
25:48learn a clowning routine
25:49and I don't think
25:50that you were a milkmaid
25:51in a past life, okay?
25:52A princess who chose
25:54to be a milkmaid.
25:57What about your leg?
25:57You cannot dance
25:58with that ankle.
25:59What are you talking about?
25:59I just got that steroid shot
26:01from the Mexican street doctor.
26:02My tits itch,
26:03but my ankle's feeling great.
26:05Do you want a chance
26:06at beating that girl?
26:07Yes.
26:08Do you?
26:08Yes.
26:08We're not going to do it
26:09standing around
26:10smashing pottery for hours.
26:11Yeah, well,
26:11think about Grandma's teapot.
26:13You were pretty good
26:13about breaking the...
26:14Shut up about Grandma's teapot.
26:18Let's go.
26:25And Charlie.
26:26And Charlie.
26:27And Chaplin.
26:27And Chaplin.
26:28And Bonnie.
26:30You know how.
26:31Well, I don't know.
26:31Hold on a second.
26:32It's got to be a clown.
26:33Do you look...
26:33How's this?
26:36Finally.
26:36It took us like eight tries,
26:38y'all.
26:38It's hard.
26:39Good luck.
26:40Roll down.
26:41Up a high.
26:42We're so fun and nice.
26:43Let's go.
26:43We're done.
26:44That was great.
26:44That was great.
26:45It's in your arms.
26:45That was so fast.
26:46Come on.
26:47You.
26:48We'll take you.
26:48Just do it.
26:50Oh, God.
26:51This is...
26:52Uno, dos, tres.
26:54Un, da, ocho.
26:57Okay.
26:58We got the girl.
26:58We got the girl.
26:59Oh, that was so much fun.
27:00What?
27:01The judges were like getting emotional watching us.
27:03It was really sweet to see.
27:04Done.
27:05All right.
27:06Mom, we got to go.
27:06We got to go.
27:07We got to go.
27:08We don't know the dance.
27:09We just have to try.
27:10We can do it one more time.
27:10Listen to me.
27:11We are in last place.
27:12I know that.
27:13If we could get this on the first try,
27:14we have a shot.
27:14Mom, look at me.
27:16Let me try.
27:16Please.
27:17Let's go.
27:18Go.
27:18Go.
27:18Go.
27:27Sorry.
27:28I didn't throw it.
27:29I didn't throw it.
27:29That's my bad.
27:30That's my bad.
27:31Go again.
27:31Go again.
27:36It's the...
27:37I did the wrong foot.
27:38We're good.
27:39You got it?
27:39Yeah.
27:39You know where you went wrong?
27:40Yeah.
27:40Okay.
27:47I kicked it on four.
27:48I kicked it on four.
27:49She kicked it on four.
27:50That I saw.
27:51Start over.
27:51Start over.
27:52Go.
27:52Quick.
27:56Can I help?
27:57I've got it.
27:58I've got it.
28:00No!
28:02Yeah!
28:07Yeah!
28:09Oh, shit.
28:11Fuck.
28:13Hop on!
28:14Come on, Jack.
28:15Yeah.
28:38What?
28:38No!
28:39I really thought I got it that time.
28:41Felt good to me.
28:42Debra and DJ?
28:44No, Phil, no.
28:45No, no, no, no, not Phil.
28:46No, Phil, come on.
28:47No, no.
28:48No.
28:49Come on.
28:50Oh, come on.
28:52Obviously, I'm here for a reason.
28:54Ah!
28:55I know it's been a hard couple of days.
28:57And, DJ, you've had your injury and been struggling
28:59with this clown challenge.
29:01I mean, a little bit.
29:02You've been here four hours.
29:03I know.
29:04And all the other teams have checked into the pit stop.
29:07Oh.
29:07Debra and DJ, I'm really sorry to tell you
29:10that you've been eliminated from the race.
29:13Ugh.
29:15We didn't do it.
29:18But you know what we didn't do?
29:19Actually, Phil, we didn't quit.
29:21So you can hold your head high.
29:22Yeah.
29:22You gave it everything.
29:23Yeah.
29:24Yeah?
29:24Yeah.
29:25I know you're upset, but are you pleased
29:26you came on the amazing race?
29:28That's the best thing that I've ever
29:30done in my whole life.
29:32Honestly, Phil, this race, it challenges
29:33every single part of you.
29:36That's what I wanted.
29:37You know, I got to milk a goat.
29:38Yeah.
29:39I got to see two different cities in Mexico.
29:44But most of all, I got to spend more time
29:47with my mom than I have in years,
29:49and that's really all I wanted.
29:52You feel like you really bonded with your mom?
29:54Yeah.
29:55It was beautiful.
29:57You feel the same way, Debra?
29:59Yeah.
30:00Same.
30:03Um, Phil, can I ask a favor?
30:05I can't get you back on the race.
30:07No, no, no, I understand.
30:08We're eliminated.
30:09But if I could just take one more crack at this dance,
30:12I know I could nail it.
30:14Are you serious?
30:14I'm serious.
30:15We got so close this last time.
30:17I don't know if you were watching,
30:17but we got so close, didn't we?
30:19We did.
30:20Yeah.
30:21Absolutely.
30:21I mean, give it another shot.
30:24Actually, Mom, this one's for us.
30:28Okay?
30:29Okay, we can do this.
30:30We can do this.
30:31We can do this, okay?
30:31We can do this.
30:33Mm-hmm.
30:36Okay.
30:42Oh, fuck me!
30:43Fuck!
30:44Shit!
30:45Just forget it.
30:45Just fuck it.
30:46You know what?
30:46I don't even care.
30:47I never care.
30:48I don't care, Phil.
30:50Stop fucking filming me!
30:52It's done.
30:53It's over.
30:54Go!
31:05Oh!
31:08Yeah?
31:09Oh my.
31:11Oh.
31:13They're just how I remember them.
31:16Good.
31:17I can feel her.
31:18Oh my.
31:19I can feel Mommy in the pepper shaker.
31:22She's in there.
31:24Oh, thank you, Ava.
31:26Thank you so much.
31:27But how did you convince her?
31:30She doesn't know.
31:33Stole them.
31:34I don't know what Deborah's gonna do
31:35when she realizes you stole them.
31:37I don't wanna know.
31:40Yeah.
31:41Physical, probably.
31:43You must really, really want those rights.
31:46Yeah.
31:47Yeah, I do.
31:50So, do we have a deal?
31:52Yes.
31:53Yes, you've earned them.
31:55I'll have my lawyer call Jimmy in the morning.
31:59Welcome home, guys.
32:02Aw.
32:16I remember boarding groups.
32:20Fun.
32:21They never let Aiden and me pre-board because they don't count MMA as military service.
32:26fucking bullshit.
32:29I'm sorry we lost.
32:31It's my fault.
32:33If you had done the roadblocks, we would have won.
32:35No, you're kinda good at everything and super annoying.
32:39No, that's not true.
32:41I've never been good at failing and moving on.
32:48I'm proud of you.
32:50You let things roll off your back.
32:52During this race, you just threw yourself into everything.
32:55You didn't even care how you looked.
32:56Oh, thanks so much, Mom.
32:58No, no.
32:58That's good.
33:00That's good.
33:04You're tougher than me.
33:06You are.
33:07I mean, I've always cared too much about what people think.
33:12Because I know how hard it is when people make fun of you or call you crazy.
33:20Like they're doing to me right now.
33:25I think that's why I tried to protect you from all that.
33:28And why I didn't let you try trapeze or, you know, release your reggae album or...
33:35Go on QVC?
33:36Yes.
33:40I overcorrected.
33:42I didn't let you try enough.
33:44Because you could have handled it.
33:51You're right.
33:51You do care what the world thinks.
33:54But I've only ever cared what one person thinks.
33:58Who?
34:01Phil.
34:10I can't believe this.
34:11No, no, no, no.
34:11Tell me again.
34:12Tell me again.
34:13She really said I can feel Mommy.
34:16Stop laughing.
34:17I feel really bad.
34:19She cried.
34:20This is the best.
34:23Oh, my God.
34:25Well, you are an evil bitch.
34:27I've never felt closer to you.
34:32Well, let's just hope I make you proud and make a good show.
34:34So it's worth it.
34:36Even if you don't.
34:38Recently, I have warmed up to the value of falling flat on your face and embarrassing yourself.
34:43Okay.
34:44Maybe just say you're going to do great.
34:45Oh.
34:46You're going to do great.
34:47I know.
34:48And live in five, four, three, two.
34:53Welcome back, folks.
34:55Okay.
34:56I am thrilled because we have an amazing new designer here with us today.
35:02Please welcome Deborah Junior Vance.
35:06Okay.
35:07How many times has your baby reached for your earrings and almost pulled your entire ear clean off your skull?
35:14So many.
35:15Well, it's never going to happen again.
35:16Thank God.
35:17Do you want to know why?
35:19Detachables.
35:20Oh, my God.
35:21Because they detach.
35:22Look at them.
35:23That's right.
35:24No more bloody lobes.
35:26Moms get it.
35:27Amazing.
35:28Wow.
35:28These are flying off the shelf.
35:30They are going fast.
35:31If you want your own DeJewelry, you better call in now.
35:35Oh, and I think we have a call right now.
35:37Donna.
35:38Oh, because you are the best thing.
35:43You're the best thing.
35:45You are the best thing.
35:51You're the best thing, baby.
36:02Baby
36:05Come a long way
36:07Baby
36:10You know I hope and I pray that you believe me
36:16When I say this love will never fade away
36:22Oh, because you are the best thing
36:30You are the best thing
36:34You are the best thing
36:40You are the best thing
36:41Ever happened to me
36:48Both of us have known love before
36:53Come on, I promise you like the strength
36:56Walk on out the door
36:59You are the best thing
36:59You are the best thing
Comments