- 2 hours ago
Half Man - Season 1 - Episode 01
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00:01Oh
00:53I'm not speaking about this.
00:58You don't have to speak.
01:00You have to listen.
01:03Really?
01:06You picked today.
01:09My fucking wedding.
01:16Come on, Truman, stop messing.
01:21Put your top back on.
01:34Oh, fuck's sake.
01:44Oh, Nihil.
01:53Come here.
01:55Come here.
02:02I'm proud of you, yeah?
02:05You know that.
02:12You look gorgeous, so you do.
02:14Huh?
02:15I tell you, if I wasn't family, I'd get up and underneath that kilt right away.
02:20No, Ruben, don't.
02:21What?
02:22I tell you, you look gorgeous.
02:24Come on, show me.
02:24There's nothing to show, Ruben.
02:25I've got boxes on underneath for Christ's sake.
02:27Oh, boxes.
02:29Stop teasing me, you little mate.
02:33Oh, hey.
02:34Here.
02:35Come here.
02:35Look at me.
02:36Look at me.
02:38That's it.
02:41Hey, mate.
02:42Hmm?
02:43Hey.
02:44We may not flow through each other's veins, but we flow through each other's brains.
02:49You get me?
02:50Please, I don't think that...
02:50One more time, eh?
02:52For old time's sake.
02:54I just need to hear it.
02:57Before I lose you forever.
02:58You're not serious.
03:01Go on.
03:01Say it.
03:03What am I?
03:08Your brother from...
03:16You're not a lover.
03:23Beautiful.
03:36No!
03:51Come on.
03:53Give us your best, you little fike.
04:04What is this name?
04:06Oh, fucking Stickles.
04:09Indiana Jones.
04:12That film is gay as fuck.
04:14I'm gonna have these.
04:16No, please.
04:16Gus.
04:18You fuck.
04:20You can keep one.
04:22Okay?
04:23I'm not a monster.
04:25Pick one.
04:29Second to last.
04:30Good.
04:52Open up.
05:00Okay, degenerate.
05:01Settle down.
05:02Settle down.
05:05Right.
05:06As we know, the prelim exams start this week.
05:10Are we aware of how important they are?
05:16Prelims are your safety net.
05:18For whatever reason, you miss your finals.
05:21You get hit by a bus.
05:22You come down with a bubonic plague.
05:24These exams are your get out of jail with an appeals card.
05:28Have I emphasized their importance enough?
05:32Okay, Dennis.
05:34Positively spellbinding.
05:37Right.
05:37Moving on.
05:39I should probably make you aware that a new student will be joining the class from tomorrow.
05:43One Reuben Pallister.
05:46What?
05:49Something that matter, Kennedy?
05:52No, it's just...
05:54Did you just say...
05:55Reuben Pallister?
05:58That's right.
05:59A new pupil you can show off your sparkling personality to.
06:04Reuben will be transferring from Pullman Young Offenders Institute.
06:07And will be re-sitting two years.
06:10Which means he'll be a little more feral than the rest of you.
06:13Any questions?
06:17Nobody.
06:18Good.
06:18Open your jars.
06:19We'll pick up where we left off yesterday.
06:22Page 16.
06:26Kennedy.
06:27Did you listen to what I just said?
06:30What?
06:30Yeah.
06:31Of course.
06:33What did I just say then?
06:37Reuben's back.
06:50Mum, it's Niall.
06:51Honey, I'm working.
06:52What is it?
06:53It's Reuben.
06:54He's out.
06:54He's coming to school.
06:55Look, now is not the time, all right?
06:57He's not staying with us, is he?
06:58We can talk about this when I pick you up.
07:00But Mum...
07:21You should have said I've hungered then.
07:22Don't piss yourself!
07:23You're a 15-year-old boy.
07:26Given your life, I don't need to give you respect.
07:33Look, I'm sorry, okay?
07:35I should have told you.
07:37And keep him with the theme of surprises.
07:39He's moved into your room.
07:42What?
07:42No way.
07:43What did you think that second bed was for?
07:44We were almost begging you to ask.
07:46I thought it was for guests.
07:47He is a guest.
07:48No, he's not.
07:49He's a psycho.
07:50He bit someone's nose off.
07:51I've seen the guy too.
07:52It's horrible.
07:53His wife left him and everything.
08:03Look, you're not to talk about this, okay?
08:05Nobody in this town knows about that.
08:07The last thing that boy needs is folk whispering.
08:09Don't bite people's noses off then.
08:11No, shh.
08:11You're not to speak this way in front of Maura, all right?
08:13Oh, you always put her first.
08:15She was only supposed to be living with us for six months
08:17and now her kid is moving in.
08:18Come on, Mum.
08:19He's a psycho.
08:21Her son getting out is a big deal.
08:23He's been away for two years.
08:24For Christ's sake, this is happening, Niall,
08:27so get used to it.
09:22Remember me, Bambi?
09:24Last time I saw you, you were about yay high.
09:33Grown at least two feet since then.
09:35Maybe more.
09:36You've got the exact same size head, though.
09:39Creeping me out a bit.
09:46You're helping or what?
09:48We can't have this shit up.
09:50I'm off for bringing Buds home.
09:51Yeah.
09:56Get to it then, Bambi.
09:57Grab a bag.
09:58Get her stuff in.
10:07Yeah.
10:08Take that poster down and put this up.
10:26Put her up, then, you dick.
10:54What the fuck are you staring at?
10:58What?
11:00Nothing.
11:01Nothing.
11:24Ah!
11:26Looks like Pallister's a no-show.
11:29Off to a great start.
11:31All right, everyone, open your jotters.
11:33We'll pick up from yesterday.
11:39Right, what's going on here?
11:50Kennedy.
11:52Open your jotter.
11:55No.
11:57Open, boy.
12:06Who did this?
12:08On up, come on.
12:13Er...
12:14Me, sir.
12:15You?
12:16You called your own mum a dyke?
12:18No, I called someone else's mum a dyke.
12:21Really?
12:22I know first-hand from your essays.
12:24Your grasp of irony isn't that strong.
12:28So, come on.
12:29Who did this?
12:34My mum is not a lesbian.
12:36I beg your pardon?
12:37I said...
12:38My mum is not a fucking lesbian.
12:44Come with me.
12:45Go off me, you nonch!
12:47What did you say?
12:48You don't like to touch young boys, do you?
12:50You fucking old poof!
12:53I'm just wondering if there's something else we should be worrying about.
12:56What are you insinuating?
12:57All I'm saying is I've seen a change in Niall recently.
13:00And what change is that then?
13:01Well, he's gone from being a committed, gifted student to one that acts out in most lessons.
13:05Sir, go on.
13:06I know you want to.
13:07Well, we have to call into question Niall's rather unusual state of affairs at home.
13:10You don't know anything about my damn home.
13:14Just did it.
13:31I know you're up there.
13:38What?
13:45Is that your dad?
14:10You don't mind a big hug, eh?
14:15I don't think I can't see you, boy!
14:18Who's he by the fuckin' collar?
14:20We've all come on!
14:22I'll get, I'll get mine.
14:23I'll move with a bitch!
14:26Don't shoot her!
14:27Fuckin' Dale!
14:31Not a word, okay?
14:32Not a fuckin' word!
14:36I can't, I can't believe it!
14:39I don't want you to shut your mouth!
14:41Fuck!
14:42You don't tell anyone about this!
14:44Do you understand?
14:45This never happened!
15:04Son!
15:22Get back with the lips!
15:23It's hard to get your head in today!
15:23Then it's hard to coming whenever you to see autos Endless
15:27All right!
15:28That minute you do this!
15:31Do the best day before you find yourself!
15:31Be 48audi!
15:33He was a head expert!
15:33Oh, my God.
16:15so boys
16:18I am not sure
16:19whether you heard all that commotion last night
16:28no we were asleep
16:29both of us
16:34no right well that's okay then ignore me
16:59fuck you staring at
17:02just seeing if you're alright
17:03why wouldn't I be
17:04it's just last night
17:06fuck last night
17:07no yeah absolutely
17:10fuck last night
17:18so you nervous or
17:19how the fuck would I be nervous
17:21well first day of school
17:23this is dull Kenny
17:24that's where the fairies go
17:25hey soft cock
17:27are you a boyfriend?
17:30ignore them
17:32these guys bothering you Bambi?
17:33nah it's just
17:34banter
17:35take after your Monday
17:36you little faggot
17:37great banter
17:42these guys bothering you Bambi?
17:46I'll ask you again
17:48are these guys bothering you?
18:00what's that enough?
18:01go to school
18:02what?
18:02go to school you're not a witness
18:03if you don't see what happens
18:04just fucking go
18:08go to school
18:09go to school
18:09go to school
18:10go to school
18:10go to school
18:13go to school
18:13go to school
18:14go to school
18:21go to school
18:21go to school
18:21go to school
18:23go to school
18:24go to school
18:24go to school
18:26go to school
18:26go to school
18:26go to school
18:40and at the heart of this relentless conflict
18:43lies a love story.
18:47Ah, Mr. Pallister.
18:49Nice of you to fit us into your busy schedule.
18:52Boys and girls, this is Ruben.
18:54Ruben will be joining us from now on.
18:58Where's his school uniform?
19:00On your mother's floor.
19:03That's enough, everyone.
19:06A desk at the back.
19:10And for the record, my mum's dead.
19:12Two extra points for nihilism.
19:20Right, as I was saying,
19:22two households like families,
19:25both in a bitter feud like us.
20:00You've been working out, Niall?
20:02Certainly has.
20:04Now there's only an inch of space
20:05when I cut my hand around his bicep.
20:07Used to be at least two, three maybe.
20:09I'm going somewhere around.
20:10No, don't.
20:13Sit down, you little killjoy.
20:23We need you to persuade Ruben to go to the exam tomorrow.
20:27What?
20:28No way.
20:28Niall, please.
20:29Mm-mm.
20:30Do this for us.
20:31What are you doing?
20:33I'm being here.
20:34Stop that, I'm not a kid.
20:35That's exactly what you're doing.
20:37Off me.
20:37Oh, come on.
20:38Do this for me.
20:39Go on, go on.
20:40Come on, Niall.
20:41I need you to do this.
20:42Come on.
20:43Please.
20:43Go off me.
20:45Come on.
20:45Come on, just this one thing.
20:46Oh, please.
20:47I said go off me.
20:57I'll take it from you.
21:11OK, that's...
21:12You left a fairly sizable nice fire on our part.
21:16But she's making all the effort in the world.
21:18I don't care.
21:20We're not friends.
21:21We never will be.
21:23Come on.
21:24You fancied the pants off of her when you were a wee in.
21:27Remember the love letters we'd send to her?
21:28How's on Valentine's Day?
21:34Fine.
21:35Playtime's over.
21:39Look, will you speak to him at least?
21:41No!
21:42No, he's terrifying.
21:44Oh, come on, Niall.
21:45You wouldn't believe how hard Mora had to work to get Ruben into Dalkenny.
21:49She changed her postcodes and everything.
21:52He's on probation too, so he needs to show up and pass this prelim.
21:55Or the school will kick him out.
22:10He's on probation.
22:12He's on probation.
22:15He's on probation.
22:18He's on probation.
22:20He's on probation.
22:23He's on probation.
22:26He's on probation.
22:26He's on probation.
22:26Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
22:34Things got right due to what I never said
22:36until me mouth becomes dead, which ain't not all that clever.
22:44And it's not saying one thing, no, not another,
22:47rather, rather, is it anything I haven't said, whatever.
22:54What'd you see?
22:55Oh, what do you mean?
22:56Am I speaking foreign?
22:57Dance, I saw you dance.
22:58You tell anyone about this, I will put you to sleep.
23:01Do you understand?
23:01I won't.
23:02I mean, I thought I was great.
23:04I thought I was great.
23:30What do you want?
23:32Just a quick something that's come to me just now, in the moment.
23:39I was thinking about the exam tomorrow.
23:41Fuck off.
23:42Right, you are.
24:10You're dead.
24:18What about him?
24:21How old were you again?
24:26I was eight.
24:28When I died.
24:32What did he do again?
24:39He was a writer.
24:42I don't remember that.
24:45Well, he worked in a pub mainly but he wanted to be a writer.
24:50And what did he write about?
24:55Working in a pub.
25:04He was really good though.
25:06I've read all his stuff.
25:08He was so close to getting published in the end.
25:11What stopped him?
25:14Well...
25:15Death.
25:30That's why I want to give it a shot myself, you know?
25:32You're right too.
25:34I keep a diary.
25:36That doesn't count.
25:37Try saying that to Anne Frank.
25:39Who?
25:41No, she was just...
25:45No, it doesn't matter.
25:56What happened to Gus?
26:02He'll survive.
26:07I just thought with the knife you'd done something, you know, really bad.
26:15Almost did.
26:17And I'm up against the wall with it, guppy and like mad.
26:21I whispered, it'll be over soon.
26:25So he thought for a second I was going to stick it in him proper.
26:29It'll be over soon.
26:34I love seeing that.
26:37You really get a sense of what a cunt looks like when they think they're going to die.
26:42You sort of infant, like, is all innocent and shit that's weird.
26:48It'll be over soon.
27:00Night, Bumpers.
27:04Night.
27:11Night.
27:17Where's your bulldog now eh?
27:18Look off.
27:19Not when you tell us where Guts is.
27:20I don't know.
27:21I know you live with that inbred prick.
27:22You're bound to have said something.
27:23We don't talk.
27:27Oi!
27:42Leave me alone.
28:10Leave me alone.
28:38Leave me alone.
28:41I'm a son of a bitch.
28:42Woo!
28:43Woo!
28:44Come on!
28:45Come on!
28:45Pallister.
28:46Nice of you to join.
28:47Please refrain from shouting out.
28:49It's only prelims.
28:50Where am I sitting?
28:51There's an empty chair there, two rows along.
28:54Please move quietly.
28:56Huh.
28:56Come on.
29:08Come on.
29:11Come on.
29:20Come on.
29:23Come on.
29:24Come on.
29:36Come on.
29:38Come on.
29:40Come on.
29:44Pallister. I started later than everyone. Well, I'm afraid the onus is on you there.
29:48Piss off, Jenkins. I shagged your mum in her onus.
29:53Pallister, get back here. Pallister, don't you walk away from me, son. Oi, I'm speaking to you.
30:31All right, guys. Not long now.
30:45Pallister.
30:54Pallister.
31:17the school fund oh jesus what now reuben passed he passed the prelim you can stay in school now
31:29oh really yeah you helped him didn't you oh no last night i heard you talking
31:43thank you i mean that
31:49i know we haven't always seen eye to eye mainly because you're a little brat who blames me for
31:54everything i do think you could be a positive influence on my boy
32:04thanks
32:07i think
32:15now that feels weird let's never do that again
32:23so
32:49i've got to keep it down bambi's sleeping
33:03isn't it a bit weird doing this with a wee nile in the room no i don't care i passed
33:07the prelims today and i did it in a speck of the time of the other fucking room stop it
33:11reuben if i swear anymore i'm gonna put my back out
33:16i don't care about him here i don't i just don't want my mama rubbing one out all of you
33:23yeah take these off
33:25i don't care
33:25ahora vågarui
33:26i don't care i love her
33:47Okay, here, here.
34:09Caught you, Niall Kennedy.
34:10What?
34:11No, I was sleeping.
34:12Fuck off.
34:13We saw you.
34:14I wasn't.
34:15I was sleeping.
34:15Liar.
34:16At least admit it, you little scrote.
34:18You were perving.
34:19Pervy little Niall Kennedy, eh?
34:23So tell me, did you see anything that you liked?
34:33Quite something, huh?
34:35Is this the first time you've seen a naked woman?
34:40In the flesh.
34:45And what do you think?
34:47She...
34:50She looks...
34:50What would you do to her now, if she could have you away?
34:56Go on.
34:59I would...
35:01I'd ask her for her permission.
35:03Obviously.
35:04Fucking loser, aren't you, Bambi?
35:06Touch my breath, Niall.
35:08What?
35:23Here.
35:23Let's see how he's getting on, shall we?
35:26What?
35:26No, no, no, no.
35:27Wait, wait, wait, wait.
35:27No, no, no, no, no.
35:28That's fine, Bambi.
35:29Just relax.
35:31Okay?
35:31Let her do her thing.
35:47Wow.
35:49Nothing.
35:50What's going on?
35:51You got something against Mona?
35:52Is it my boobs?
35:53What?
35:54No, it's just...
35:55This isn't how I pictured it.
35:57How did you picture it, then?
35:58More than one woman.
36:01That's it, isn't it?
36:02Niall here loves group sex.
36:05No, no, I don't.
36:06Oh, little Niall Kennedy loves a bit of group sex.
36:10Well, I could assume different characters if you like.
36:14I could be Candy, a blonde bombshell who lives next door.
36:19Or I could be Svetlana, Russian warrior of the North.
36:27Oh, she's incredible, isn't she, now?
36:29There's something to keep her.
36:31Uh-uh.
36:32Svetlana is kept by no one.
36:34How's he getting on now, then?
36:37Come on, son.
36:38I got full marks on my stantegrides back in the day, Niall.
36:41I know you love a nerd.
36:45Here.
36:47Just focus on how things feel.
36:49Give me your finger.
37:01Oh, hello.
37:03Here we go, my man.
37:06You ready?
37:11There we go.
37:12Oh, my God.
37:17Oh, did you go?
37:21Oh, he's a geek big loosely.
37:23Oh, I'll do all this man.
37:24Oh, my god.
37:24Do you?
37:30Oh, asshole.
37:32That's it.
37:33That's it, that's it.
37:34Easy, boy, easy.
37:36Stead, steady.
37:40Come on...
37:46Oh, wow, he's a grower, young Niall.
37:57Sorry.
37:58Back you go, mister.
38:00No, no, no, wait.
38:00Stop fighting. You let her do her thing.
38:04Here, I'll hold her a break.
38:06What?
38:16Oh, hold it, son. Hold it.
38:20For the marathon.
38:41Wow, he's really going for it now.
39:09For fuck's sake, did you just call me?
39:13You fucking did, you mink.
39:15Oh, no. For her feet are all.
39:17Now, son, you need to pull out.
39:18Fuck's sake, I better not be pregnant.
39:20I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. It just came out of nowhere.
39:23Relax, son. It's fine.
39:25But, I mean, like, what happens now?
39:28Will I get the virus?
39:31What?
39:36Do you mean AIDS?
39:52Lie back, you daft cunt.
40:01So, is that it, then?
40:05That's it, Bambi.
40:06, bbbb, whh, tch.
40:12uW vs.
40:16Wee, tch, tch.
40:28And we're all.
40:33Tch, tch.
40:35Tch, tch, tch.
40:36Tch, tch, tch, tch.
40:36Tch.
40:36Tch.
40:36Tch, tch.
40:36Tch, tch.
40:54I was just thinking, do you have any hash?
41:06We can bake Niall Kennedy. Dark Horse, my man.
41:18Niall Kennedy, eh? Sex God, drug fiend.
41:37I'm not going to die.
41:38I'm not going to die.
42:14Well, I get the virus.
42:18Oh, I feel like an idiot.
42:22Nah, you're good.
42:26I know what you did.
42:29As in?
42:31The exam.
42:33Oh.
42:37I've never seen her look at me like that before.
42:42I've seen her cry loads.
42:47You know, but...
42:53I like this.
42:55It works.
43:03What did you make of Mona, then?
43:05Yeah, I liked her.
43:06Yeah, you fucking did.
43:09You can thank me when you're ready.
43:13Someone had to lose your virginity for you, didn't they?
43:17Oh, come on.
43:18You didn't think that was chance, did you?
43:21There's no way a lassie would take time out from sleeping with me to sleep with you.
43:27I set it up.
43:28My way of saying thanks.
43:35Oh.
43:36So come on.
43:38Tell me you loved it.
43:42I loved it.
43:45You did.
43:45Yeah, you did.
43:49I should run a brothel or something.
43:51I'm like the Pied Piper of pussy.
43:59Yeah.
44:10Yeah.
44:15Yeah.
44:21Yeah.
44:34The Pied Piper of pussy.
44:39I'm imagining these massive vaginas with legs following you around.
44:51Hang on, Pappy.
44:54Hang on, Pappy.
44:55Hang on, Pappy.
45:00Hang on, Pappy.
45:16Hang on, Pappy.
45:16Can I ask you something?
45:18Do you know?
45:22Around mums, you know.
45:26Fuck him.
45:31Yeah.
45:32Afraid so.
45:36Does it bother you or something?
45:40No.
45:40I don't really.
45:43As long as they're happy, I guess.
45:47Although they don't seem all that happy.
45:55There's a lot you don't know about.
46:10Yeah.
46:12Got you something?
46:20I'm not going to train you.
46:22Just in case something happens to me, I need to know you'll look after yourself.
46:28Why do you care?
46:32We're family now.
46:33We're family now.
46:35It's the most important thing.
46:39My brother.
46:41If I'm another lover.
46:48Come on, boys.
46:50School.
46:51Bring those thin bags down while you're at it.
46:56This is going to be some morning.
46:58We'll be floating to school after all that.
47:05Hey.
47:09You've got nothing to worry about with our mums.
47:12Ten years time, you'll be at a party somewhere and realise it makes you more interesting.
47:15What's that?
47:16I'm not saying anything.
47:23You haven't got nothing left off.
47:28I don't know anything.
47:33I don't know anything.
50:01One more, Bambi.
50:02Yeah.
50:04Have a sip.
50:15Hey.
50:17Easy.
50:18Sip.
50:18Don't chug.
50:19Come on.
50:21That's it.
50:31Jesus.
50:33You're dripping.
50:37Let's fill the cell.
50:40We're gonna stay here.
50:42All right.
50:44Hey, it's gonna be okay.
50:47You're gonna be fine.
50:51Hey.
50:52Hey, it's gonna be all right.
50:54Don't...
50:54Hey, come on.
50:56Nile.
50:56Please.
50:57No.
50:58Hey, hey, settle.
50:59Settle.
51:00Settle.
51:01All right, settle.
51:02No, no, no, no.
51:03Settle, settle.
51:04Just breathe.
51:05Hey.
51:06Hey.
51:07It's fine.
51:08All right, it's fine.
51:09Just settle a bit.
51:11Settle.
51:12Here.
51:13Follow my breath.
51:19There's no following my breath.
51:21I can't.
51:22Follow it.
51:23I can't.
51:23Try.
51:23Yes, you can.
51:24You fucking can.
51:25Come on.
51:26Come on, follow it.
51:49Hey.
51:50See?
51:52Yeah.
51:55yeah I said go with it go with it no no no no that's it that's a boy just
52:02for you
52:07just keep breathing that's it that's a boy
52:15don't worry you'll be over soon
52:23yeah
52:26yeah
52:27yeah
52:27yeah
52:30yeah
52:33yeah
52:35yeah
52:40yeah
52:44yeah
52:45yeah
52:45yeah
52:46yeah
52:50yeah
52:52yeah
53:12Transcription by CastingWords
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