- 2 hours ago
Hacks - Season 5 - Episode 02: Number One Fan
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00:03I'm back! Back in New York!
00:08I'm back! Back in New York!
00:13Learn how to drive, you jabroni!
00:15I'll see you at the bottom of the fuckin' Hudson!
00:21It's so great to be back in New York.
00:22Yeah.
00:23Rats! Rats!
00:24No way!
00:27Here I am, in the sink, with a fistful of dollars.
00:33And baby, you better believe I'm back! Back in New York!
00:41I'm back!
00:41You come bearing gifts.
00:43Oh, wow. I see that.
00:44Hi, pretty.
00:49Oh, look at that. Look at that view.
00:51That's gorgeous.
00:56You know, I can't accept bribes.
00:58Bribes?
00:58I don't see bribes.
00:59Oh, no, this is...
01:00I just have a blood sugar.
01:01I want to buy some food.
01:02I want to buy some food.
01:03I want to buy some gifts.
01:06Uh...
01:06Well, I heard that you were, understandably, less than pleased
01:10that I announced I was doing a show at your esteemed venue
01:13before I had actually booked it,
01:15and I just wanted to come in person and apologize and say,
01:17I cannot wait to work together.
01:19You're right.
01:20I was very pissed off.
01:21Because that is not how things work around here.
01:24No.
01:24I-I'm sorry.
01:26And if you would come to me, I would have told you
01:28that I don't think you're right for MSG.
01:30I think you're right for, uh, Radio City.
01:33I think you're right for Webster Hall.
01:35Ha!
01:36I know this bitch didn't just say Webster Hall!
01:38Oh, okay.
01:39I can tell you're a whole deal.
01:42She is.
01:43But we do feel very strongly that the Garden is the best venue
01:46for someone of Deborah's stature.
01:47Okay.
01:48The talk show was great,
01:50but you don't have the comps.
01:52You haven't toured in years.
01:54You barely have any social media presence.
01:56It's just...it's too much of a gamble.
01:58I will sell out.
02:01And even if I don't, what does it matter to you?
02:03I mean, we will front the rental cost.
02:04You'll be off the hook.
02:05It's not just about the money.
02:06If you are playing MSG,
02:08you are the center of cultural conversation.
02:11I mean, our venue is a major part of New York City's history.
02:14We can't just let anyone perform here.
02:16I'm sorry.
02:17Isn't there a live true crime podcast playing tonight?
02:19Murder My Stupid Ass Please has over 90 million monthly listeners.
02:23It is hosted by two of the most popular people in America.
02:26They swayed the presidential election.
02:29You know, I think you might be underestimating Deborah's fans
02:31because they are rabid.
02:32They abducted me once.
02:34I got free, but I didn't call the cops
02:35because they are so sweet.
02:38My point is, they're enthusiastic,
02:40and these tickets are gonna sell.
02:42I just don't see it.
02:43This won't be just a stand-up show.
02:44This will be historic.
02:46I'm taking down Bob Lipka and his censorship of me
02:49and speaking truth to power.
02:50This is bigger than just me.
02:52I'm sorry, Deborah.
02:54I'm so sorry.
02:56I-I-I should not have wasted your time
02:58with this petty gifting business.
03:02How do two shares of Berkshire Hathaway Class A stocks, huh?
03:05Thank you so much for coming by.
03:07Absolutely, thanks.
03:09We'll leave these with your assistant.
03:09Thanks for your time.
03:12Have a nice day, I guess.
03:15That MSG Booker is dumb.
03:17And her leather jacket was stupid.
03:18No, it was a full-grain leather and a sophisticated cup.
03:21Fine! She's rich, cool, and ruining our lives.
03:23Look, we just need to reignite the base.
03:26The Little Debbies would help me with anything.
03:27Do you remember in 93?
03:29They started that hunger strike
03:30so I could get reinstated as the spokesperson for Snackwells?
03:33Or when they crashed the Eileen Fisher website
03:34the day your cashmere dusters dropped?
03:36Yeah, exactly.
03:37What about that autograph convention in Vegas you passed on?
03:39The Little Debbies will love that.
03:40You're a genius!
03:42All right, we get my biggest fans together in one place,
03:44I shower them with love and affection,
03:46and then we ask them to organize a grassroots movement
03:49to get me Madison Square Garden!
03:51Yes.
03:51When is it?
03:52Three weeks, the 21st.
03:53That's Ava's birthday.
03:55It's fine.
03:55Are there any other options?
03:56No.
03:57No, no, no.
03:57Honestly, I don't care about my birthday.
03:59I really don't.
04:01You have to at least take the day off.
04:03And hang out with who?
04:05I only have one friend, remember?
04:07What are you talking about?
04:09Remember the last night in Singapore
04:10you said it was weird you were my only friend?
04:13You probably don't remember.
04:14You're pretty drunk, girl.
04:16It's fine.
04:17Don't worry, I didn't survive growing up in Massachusetts
04:19by letting a drunk person's insults affect me.
04:22Seriously, you should do it.
04:23So should I book it or?
04:25Yeah.
04:26Yeah.
04:27Here, Jimmy, get the shot.
04:33Perfect.
04:34What?
04:34That's what we've been waiting for?
04:36Yeah.
04:36For content.
04:37Ah, it's fun.
04:38She wanted content.
04:39I'm looking for my baby.
04:43Been searching for a long, long time.
04:47I got to find my baby.
04:50Got to get this feeling off my mind.
04:54Need to hurt her so bad.
04:57Good morning, my favorite ladies and Damien.
05:00So we've talked to the organizers, slipped them a hundo,
05:02and guess what?
05:03They moved Heather Locklear to the other side of the building.
05:05Good.
05:06She stole my exact shade of blonde in 98.
05:08And look, I know you want to be out by three,
05:10so I'm going to talk to Billy Baldwin
05:11and see if he'll give you his time slot in the photo studio.
05:13Perfect, yeah.
05:13I don't want to be here too late.
05:14Okay.
05:15I'm going to head to the table.
05:16All right.
05:16See you over there.
05:18And you.
05:20Happy birthday, birthday girl.
05:22Oh, tickling you.
05:23Oh, thanks.
05:24I know we normally get you a gift,
05:25but we are a little low on funds this year.
05:26I'm sorry about that.
05:27Don't even worry about it.
05:28Oh, my God.
05:29I finished your mall girl script last night.
05:30Ava.
05:31It is so good.
05:33Oh.
05:33Yeah, I laughed.
05:34I cried.
05:35It's like, it's emotional and cinematic.
05:36It's really special and I can't wait to send it around.
05:38Oh, my God.
05:39Amazing. Thank you.
05:40I'm proud of you.
05:41Oh.
05:42Coffee birthday girl.
05:44Wow, this is a really fancy tray.
05:46Had it custom made.
05:47Heaters built in, USB charging, patent pending.
05:51You're a really good assistant.
05:53You know, in Hollywood, it's not about good or bad.
05:55It's about power.
05:57Nice watch.
06:02Can I get your autograph?
06:03Oh, honey, I would love to sign this, but I can't legally.
06:07I love you guys.
06:09Ha!
06:12There they are.
06:12They're probably just filming at the mallet.
06:15Hey, my little Demmys!
06:22Hi.
06:26Hello.
06:28Oh, wow.
06:30The DV Industries Swiss Army Knife.
06:31It's got it all.
06:32It's got the tweezers.
06:33It's got the brow spoolie.
06:35I mean, come on.
06:36Who could ask for more than that?
06:38Very rare item.
06:39Actually, it's widely available on the internet.
06:41Which you'd know if you were still active on the DV message boards.
06:44Um, how would you, how would you like to...
06:46Just your name, please.
06:47Okay.
06:53It's great to see you.
06:56Hey.
06:57How's it going?
06:58Oddly icy.
07:00Well, I just met the actor who gave Dawson a blowjob on the Bowdoin season.
07:03Barry, so I'm feeling starstruck and amazing.
07:05One autograph.
07:06Hi there.
07:07Hi.
07:08Hi.
07:09Oh, hey.
07:09Sorry, uh, I think the line starts back there.
07:11Oh, no.
07:12I'm actually here for you.
07:14I am a huge fan.
07:16Of me?
07:18Yeah.
07:19I was obsessed with Girl Town and you always wrote the best episodes.
07:22Oh, my God.
07:23I left college for that job.
07:24I know.
07:26And then I followed you on Twitter.
07:28Even now, I'll just randomly look up your old tweets sometimes.
07:30Oh, no.
07:31Don't do that.
07:32Anyway, then I saw my bad because I heard that you'd worked on it.
07:37Yeah.
07:37I'd never even seen Deborah before.
07:39I mean, it's kind of crazy how you've changed the whole trajectory of her career.
07:44She's mad lucky to have you.
07:46I wish you said that a little louder, but thank you.
07:49Will you sign your Times Magazine cover?
07:53I...
07:53Yes.
07:54I...
07:54I've never...
07:55Never signed anything for anyone before.
07:57Wow.
07:58This is amazing.
07:59I really now understand why parasocial relationships are replacing real ones.
08:04But seriously, thank you for all that you contribute to society.
08:09Any time.
08:14I'll catch you around.
08:16Yeah, I'll be around all day.
08:17Cooley.
08:18Cooley.
08:20Cooley.
08:21I can't tell you.
08:22Sorry.
08:23Please.
08:23It's on me.
08:25Thanks.
08:25Thanks for coming.
08:27Take care.
08:27Oh, Ezekiel.
08:28Nice to see a familiar face.
08:30What can I sign for you?
08:31I've actually signed something for you.
08:33It's my resignation letter.
08:35As president of the Debra Vance fan club, Southwest Branch.
08:37Is he?
08:38You...
08:38You've been a pillar of the Little Debbie community for years.
08:41I heard that Kathy Griffin is looking for an infusion into her base.
08:44So I am taking my talents elsewhere.
08:47Okay.
08:47Okay.
08:48What...what is going on?
08:49What is the problem?
08:50The problem is that you went Hollywood.
08:54I did not go Hollywood.
08:55Yes, you did.
08:57You haven't sent out Debra's do's and don'ts in almost two years.
09:00I don't know what to do and what not to do.
09:02Sometimes I just sit in the dark.
09:03Yeah.
09:04You discontinued your car insurance plan.
09:07And now I'm uninsured.
09:09Oh, honey.
09:10You gotta have insurance.
09:11And you discontinued the Debra Vance red light mask.
09:14I liked the burns.
09:15It eventually turned to tan.
09:16Yeah.
09:17You won't admit you're a lizard.
09:21Hey!
09:22Get into a single file line or you will be tased.
09:25Do not fuck with me!
09:30You should address the lizard thing without gaining traction.
09:35Who's next?
09:36And you really don't mind switching with Debra?
09:38Oh, no, no, no. Not at all.
09:39That ranch you did against Lipka?
09:41Gold.
09:42Legend.
09:43Guy's a friggin' animal.
09:44Tell me about it.
09:45Plus, she always invites me to her Fourth of July party.
09:47I never go, but, uh, the invite's always nice.
09:50Well, you're gonna be on the list forever, man.
09:52We appreciate you.
09:53Ever too big, Jimmy.
09:55Never too big.
09:56My man.
09:56All right.
09:58Okay.
09:58Now, that's a guy I could be friends with.
10:00I love him.
10:00Exactly what I like to hear from you, boss,
10:02because I do not want to see you fall prey to the male loneliness epidemic.
10:05No.
10:06I know.
10:06It's terrible, man.
10:07Uncle Maury shot himself in the head.
10:09It's Renee O'Connor.
10:10Of course, yeah.
10:11Who's that?
10:12From Xena, Warrior Princess.
10:13The show.
10:14The show on the WB.
10:14Oh, TV show.
10:16Yeah.
10:16I haven't made it to TV yet.
10:17I'm still making it through all the movies.
10:20She's Xena.
10:21No, that's Gabrielle.
10:22That's Xena's battle partner, her confidant.
10:24She's a traveling bard.
10:25Well, you gotta go say hi.
10:27Hell no.
10:27I would be so nervous.
10:28I would faint.
10:29No, I couldn't.
10:30I mean, I've seen every episode multiple times.
10:31I even still have a recurring dream that I'm helping Xena save Prometheus so that humans
10:35don't lose their capacity for healing and fire.
10:37Jimmy, you're meeting her.
10:38You'll regret it if you don't.
10:40Come on.
10:40You think?
10:40I know so.
10:42Okay.
10:43Okay.
10:43God, I wish I had a beta blocker.
10:44All right, let's go.
10:45Woo!
10:47So, are you working on anything else other than writing for Debra?
10:50Yeah.
10:51Yeah, I actually just wrote a movie about a girl who lives at the mall.
10:54Oh, such a good idea.
10:55Got my tickets.
10:56I am so russat.
10:58You are so sweet.
11:00Shit, wait.
11:00This is just occurring to me.
11:02Are you gonna have to leave Debra?
11:03No, no.
11:04I mean, especially not after what she did for me at late night.
11:07Hmm.
11:10So, what's your, like, dream?
11:13You know, I've always wanted to create my own show.
11:16I was voted, uh, most likely to show run my high school yearbook.
11:20I mean, I did create the superlative, but still.
11:22I really hope this isn't weird that I know this, but, um, it's your birthday today, right?
11:27Yeah.
11:28Yes, it is.
11:29And you're turning 30, right?
11:32Yeah.
11:33Poof.
11:33Pretty big milestone.
11:35Are you, like, freaking out about where you're at in your life?
11:38No.
11:39Not...
11:39I mean, no, not really.
11:40I don't think.
11:41Should I?
11:42No.
11:42No, I'm not.
11:44Well, I'd love to get you something for your birthday.
11:47Like a cupcake or...
11:48You don't have to.
11:50But if they have chocolate cake, I'd take chocolate icing.
11:52Or if they have vanilla cake, I still would want chocolate icing.
11:55But if Funfetti's in the mix, of course, I'd have...
11:57They just have corn muffins.
11:58Perfect.
12:00It's your day.
12:02Why are you performing only at Madison Square?
12:04Can I end up for us with New Hampshire?
12:06I mean, we're important, too.
12:07We built a revolutionary war fleet.
12:09And we so appreciate that.
12:11You stopped doing your annual Christmas conference call.
12:14Now, how are we supposed to sync up on microthing?
12:16You never published another book of Debokus,
12:18and the regular Sudokus are just too hard.
12:21I'm mad you left QVC, and I'm mad you didn't leave QVC earlier.
12:26Work it out.
12:27I miss Marcus.
12:28Damien never sends us locks of your hair.
12:32You didn't endorse a candidate in the presidential election,
12:35so I didn't vote.
12:37And now my kids won't talk to me.
12:39I sent you two suspicious packages,
12:40and didn't even receive a cease and desist letter.
12:43You used to care.
12:44Okay, that's it.
12:45I need a break.
12:46Ten-minute break.
12:49These people are impossible to please.
12:52I mean, my fans seem to think I owe them every single moment of my life.
12:55Think of it this way.
12:56Today, you are being paid to be LDAP.
12:58For some people, that's a kink.
13:03Oh yeah, this is classic Abby, yeah.
13:05Oh, she looks the exact same.
13:07Did you know it was actually the fans that saw Xena as a guest character on Hercules,
13:11and they were so enthusiastic that they actually helped get the spin-off series made?
13:14Grassroots movements are always so inspiring.
13:17That is, until they turn bloodthirsty.
13:19Next!
13:20Here we go, here we go.
13:21We paid?
13:22Hi, I'm Renee.
13:24Hi, I'm Renee.
13:24I'm you're Renee.
13:24No, I'm Renee.
13:25You're Renee.
13:26I'm Renee.
13:27I'm Jimmy.
13:27You're Jimmy, okay.
13:28I am so starstruck.
13:29I'm so sorry.
13:29This is weird because, um, so, okay, I'm a manager in L.A.,
13:32so I never get starstruck, but I think that you are such a talent,
13:35and the series meant so much to me.
13:38I was so lucky to be a part of that world.
13:39Have you ever thought about doing a rewatch podcast?
13:42You know, they're really big right now, where you go through old episodes and discuss them.
13:44I don't think enough people want to hear me talk about that.
13:46Girl, shut up!
13:48We love the show.
13:49We've watched it all.
13:50People would love that content.
13:51Like, the Hope storyline, you know?
13:53When did you realize your daughter was going to be evil?
13:55Was it from the beginning, or did it slowly dawn on you?
13:57Well, her father was a wicked demigod, so it kind of tipped it off for me.
14:00Right.
14:01Mysteriously impregnated at a demon ritual?
14:03I was like, that's going to come back.
14:04Yeah, it did.
14:04Yeah.
14:05Do you mind if we get a photo?
14:07Of course.
14:08I'm sorry, I'm sweating.
14:09I'm just kidding.
14:10All right.
14:11Yay!
14:12Ah!
14:12Smile big!
14:14Bigger!
14:15Ah!
14:16Cuties!
14:16Not that big, not that big.
14:17Split the difference.
14:18Split the difference.
14:18You have to just start over and get all new fans.
14:21I mean, there are people born every day, right?
14:22I gotta tell you, I mean, as someone who just got their first fan, you really need to cherish
14:26these men.
14:26It's been 12 minutes and I said 10.
14:28Oh!
14:29Okay, hey, just try to keep it together.
14:32Right?
14:32No promises.
14:36Hello.
14:37How can I do better for you?
14:39Oh, no.
14:39I just wanted to say thank you.
14:42Oh.
14:44You're welcome.
14:45For what?
14:46Well, my mom and I have been, like, huge fans of yours ever since Live Free or Diet.
14:51And we came to Vegas and we saw you at the Palmetto.
14:54And then we were, like, literally quoting your jokes for 10 hours the entire car ride home.
15:00It was, like, the best weekend.
15:02I'm so glad.
15:04Anyway, we made you something to say thank you.
15:10It's you, Barry, and Kara.
15:13Wow.
15:15And we made this completely out of natural seeds and grains.
15:1829 types.
15:20Whew!
15:20We were sorting yellow peas for an entire winter just to nail your light honey blonde.
15:26It's gotten a little warped because we made it three years ago.
15:29But you haven't been to any of these, so we couldn't get it to you.
15:32But here you go.
15:33Oh.
15:36That's beautiful.
15:38That's beautiful.
15:40Is your mom here so I can thank her?
15:42Oh, no.
15:44She passed.
15:46In May.
15:48I'm so sorry, honey.
15:51She would be so happy that I was finally able to get this to you.
15:55She really loved you.
16:08I need a minute.
16:12It's okay.
16:13Damien, it's okay.
16:18Aw.
16:19Aw.
16:22Aw.
16:27Aw.
16:29Aw.
16:31Aw.
16:32Aw.
16:33Swin' hair.
16:33It's carpool tunnel.
16:35You need one of these.
16:36No, it's not that, it's...
16:40It's...
16:41Ah.
16:42Fan art's so ugly it moves you to tears.
16:45Something like that.
16:47I once had a guy paint a portrait of me using his stamp pad and his anus.
16:53It's framed in my bathroom.
16:54No, no, it's not that it's ugly.
16:56I mean, it's just that this woman and her mother
17:04spent months of their lives making this.
17:07Oh, yeah, but so what?
17:09They love doing it.
17:11They support us.
17:12We show up for them.
17:14That's the frickin' deal, Mama.
17:16Well, that's the thing.
17:17I haven't been showing up for them.
17:20And they're very mad at me for it.
17:23They'll forgive you.
17:26I don't deserve it.
17:28I just came here to exploit them
17:30because I need their help.
17:34Well, just tell them what you need.
17:37They want to feel like they're in a relationship with you
17:39and that you need them more than anyone else.
17:42And it sounds like you might.
17:44The truth will set you free, baby doll.
17:48That's all they want.
17:54That and a T-shirt that only some people are allowed to get.
18:15Little Debbie's, I have news.
18:20Madison Square Garden won't give me a date
18:22because they say I'm not big enough to play it.
18:25So I came here to get you
18:29to rally for me,
18:31which is unfair
18:35because you're right.
18:37I have neglected you.
18:41And I am so sorry.
18:44Hold on.
18:45They're saying you're not big enough to play MSG.
18:47Fuck that!
18:48The Garden would be lucky to have you.
18:52Well, in time, I hope that I can regain your trust.
18:55They don't get to tell you what you can and can't do.
18:58That's our job!
18:59We're the greatest comedian of all time!
19:02Yes!
19:03So the Knicks can play MSG but not Deborah Vance?
19:07Misogynistic bullshit!
19:08I don't care if you are a lizard.
19:10You deserve to play MSG!
19:12Yes!
19:13As president of the Little Debbie's Tucson chapter,
19:16this will not stand.
19:17Wait, sorry. Sorry.
19:19I thought you were my fan.
19:21What are you talking about?
19:22That's Cindy.
19:22She's the third generation Little Debbie.
19:24That's right.
19:25I'm here for Deborah.
19:27I just wanted to replace you
19:28and write for her, you stupid bitch.
19:30Oh, my God.
19:33So you didn't like any of my tweets?
19:34They're not jokes.
19:35They're thought poems!
19:37Okay.
19:38Deborah, who do we talk to about this?
19:41Amanda Weinberg at MSG-Entertainment.com
19:461, Madison Square Garden Plaza, Suite 3H.
19:51Deborah, we will get you that motherfucking venue.
19:54That's a promise.
19:55You know what?
19:56If you can do that,
19:57I'm making the tickets $20
19:58so you all can come!
20:01And you know what?
20:02I'm bringing back Deborah Ploss.
20:05And you know what else?
20:06This year's Christmas theme
20:07is fuchsia and cherry,
20:10the 1997 Redux!
20:18It's good, actually.
20:19I didn't think it would be,
20:20but the macchiato, perfect memory.
20:22What?
20:22Jimmy.
20:22The macchiato is really good.
20:23Jimmy.
20:24Jimmy.
20:24Oh, Renee.
20:25Hey.
20:26You know,
20:26I want to thank you for your advice.
20:28I reached out to Lucy
20:29and she loves the Xena re-watch podcast idea.
20:32Lucy Lawless knows my idea?
20:34Yeah.
20:34Well, you know,
20:34it's really nice to talk about business
20:36with someone who is familiar with my work.
20:38I never had a rep pitch me any ideas,
20:41much less actually watch the whole show.
20:42What?
20:43People are insane.
20:44People are sick.
20:44People are sick.
20:45Sick people.
20:46Piece of shit.
20:47I'm sure your roster is crowded,
20:49but would you ever consider representing me?
20:53Us?
20:53Yes!
20:54Absolutely.
20:55All right.
20:55Well, then,
20:56I mean,
20:56I probably should give you,
20:58you know,
20:5810% of what I made today.
21:00No, no, no.
21:00That's not necessary,
21:01but thank you.
21:02Are you okay with hundreds?
21:04Yes.
21:05Love them.
21:05We are.
21:06I will take those.
21:07Wow.
21:08We can use the money.
21:09Okay, well,
21:09this was amazing.
21:10Consider yourself a client
21:11of Schaefer and Lussac.
21:12Yeah, let me put you on an email
21:13with Lucy and I next week.
21:15When you're back in LA,
21:15we'll take you to dinner.
21:16You like Greek?
21:17I love Greek.
21:18I don't eat octopus, though.
21:19Anymore.
21:20They're too intelligent.
21:21That's right.
21:26Eric Estrada looked amazing.
21:30Oh, my God.
21:33Oh, my God.
21:35What?
21:36Surprise.
21:37This is crazy.
21:39We love you, girl.
21:42Happy birthday, love.
21:45Oh, happy birthday, honey.
21:48Look who's here.
21:50Oh, wow.
21:51Hi.
21:51Hi.
21:52Penny Regan.
21:53It's me.
21:53Yup.
21:54Hey, how are ya?
21:55Nice to see ya.
21:56Hi.
21:57It's so nice to see you.
21:58It's been forever.
21:59Eighth grade graduation.
22:00How could I forget?
22:01Yeah, when Deborah called,
22:02I told her how inseparable
22:03you two were
22:04and how it would mean
22:05the world to you
22:06to be together
22:07on your 30th.
22:07So here we all are?
22:09Absolutely.
22:09Yup.
22:10Yup.
22:10How are you?
22:11Amazing.
22:12Yeah.
22:13I married Greg Holland.
22:15The ma'am?
22:16Um,
22:17he ran through a glass door.
22:19His cousin drowned in the quarry.
22:20Oh, yes, Greg.
22:21He used to put girls
22:21in his hockey bag.
22:22Him.
22:23Anyway,
22:23we have four kids under six.
22:25Whoa.
22:25Yup.
22:26Whoa.
22:26Yup.
22:26All natural.
22:27Good for you.
22:28Anyway,
22:29needless to say,
22:29I am thrilled to be here.
22:30Yeah, I bet.
22:31I should tell you,
22:32Mr. Mercer just died.
22:33Oh, that's so sad.
22:34No, it's not.
22:35He was a pedophile.
22:36Convicted.
22:36Multiple times over.
22:39Let's party.
22:40Come on.
22:42Oh, my God.
22:45Oh, my God.
22:46And we got just a few
22:48of your favorite things.
22:50The entire Jack and Box menu,
22:52a cranberry kombucha.
22:54Oh, yes,
22:54cupcakes from a queer bakery.
22:56And, of course.
22:57Oh, my God.
22:58For two cheese rolls
22:59and pompaccino pop-a-melt.
23:01I had them flown in this morning.
23:02I missed these rolls.
23:08The spray cleans the screen
23:10while the brush wipes the crumbs
23:12from the keyboard.
23:14Thank you so much.
23:15Please use it.
23:16I will.
23:16Sorry.
23:17Ladies and gentlemen,
23:18we have one last surprise.
23:21Please give a warm welcome
23:22to Jesse McCartney.
23:27Yes, bitch!
23:31This one goes out
23:32to the most special girl
23:33in the world.
23:34You know who you are?
23:35It's me.
23:37Happy birthday.
23:38I heard about this
23:38in my middle school journal.
23:40It's coming true.
23:41I know.
23:42I read your journals.
23:44That's why he's here.
23:47I don't want another
23:48pretty face
23:50I don't want just
23:51anyone to hold
23:52I don't want my love
23:54to go to waste
23:55I want you
23:57and your beautiful soul
24:00Yeah
24:04I know that you
24:07are something special
24:09And to you
24:11I'd be
24:12always faithful
24:14And I want
24:17to be
24:18what you
24:19always needed
24:20Then I hope
24:22you see
24:22the heart in me
24:24I don't want
24:25another pretty face
24:27I don't want
24:28just anyone to hold
24:29I don't want
24:30my love
24:31to go to waste
24:32I want you
24:34and your beautiful soul
24:37Okay, I'm sleeping
24:39in late tomorrow
24:40You can bowl
24:41your own cantaloupe
24:42Good night
24:43Night
24:44Well, you know what
24:45I'm going to say
24:46good night now too
24:46I have a 4.15 a.m. flight
24:49to Papayate
24:49to see my boyfriend
24:50in the senior world
24:51windsurfing competition
24:52I'm sorry, you have a boyfriend?
24:54Well, I emailed you about him
24:55I emailed her
24:56Uh, no
24:56I don't think you did
24:57Well, I'm seeing someone, Ava
24:59and it's become physical
25:01the first since your father
25:02Well, depends what you count
25:04Oh, God
25:05Uh, well
25:06I love you
25:07Okay
25:07Bye
25:07Mwah
25:08Good night
25:08Good night
25:09Bye
25:10Awesome
25:13Wow
25:13Oh my God
25:15That was a successful party
25:17Yeah
25:18It's so many friends
25:19who showed up for you
25:21And that Jenny
25:22You know, the one who
25:23drank vodka
25:24out of one of my
25:25really nice wine glasses
25:27Yes, Jenny Regan
25:28The girl I only befriended
25:30so that I could play
25:30with her hermit crabs
25:31and then she stopped
25:32being my friend
25:33when she got her period
25:34before me
25:36Oh
25:37Friend's a friend
25:38Yeah
25:38And you got a lot
25:44There's a lot of them here
25:44Debra
25:46Did you only throw me
25:47at this party
25:47because you feel bad
25:48about what you said
25:49on the boat in Singapore?
25:50No
25:52I'm
25:52I mean, it's your birthday
25:54You deserve a party
25:55A birthday party
25:56Wow
25:57You ever heard one of those?
25:58Guilt looks good on you
26:00Debra, you don't have
26:01to feel guilty about that
26:03You're not wrong
26:06You are my only friend
26:09What hurt me
26:10was that you said
26:10it was weird
26:11because I don't think it is
26:15You know, I think
26:15you're the reason
26:16that I
26:18haven't been there
26:19for the Little Debbies
26:21I used to spend
26:22so much time
26:22with my fans
26:23but it wasn't
26:26for them
26:26It was for me
26:28I mean
26:29they were my friends
26:32because I never
26:33really had any
26:35Yes, you did
26:36You had friends
26:37You've always had friends
26:38You have tons of friends
26:39You know
26:39I was
26:41popular
26:43I never had
26:44a best friend
26:49Well, I mean
26:49you know
26:51my sister
26:52you know
26:53would know how that went
26:55So I just relied
26:56more and more
26:56on
26:57the Little Debbies
26:58and
26:59it was as much for me
27:01as it was for them
27:04But then I met you
27:09And I didn't need them
27:10so much anymore
27:12Well, it makes sense
27:15I'm your number one fan
27:19Hey!
27:20Oh, oh, oh
27:21Oh, you've got
27:2250 minutes left
27:23on your birthday
27:23What do you want to do?
27:33That's my new phone background
27:34Ooh
27:35Someone's smoking the Cheech
27:37Hey, you
27:38You're still here
27:39Oh, yeah
27:41I just fucked Jesse McCartney
27:43What?
27:44Yeah
27:44You cheated on Greg?
27:46Okay, you don't know
27:47our arrangement
27:48Wow, okay
27:49Are you open?
27:50No
27:51Hey, you mind
27:52if I rinse off
27:53in your swimming pool?
27:54I don't like a UTI
27:55Sure
27:56Wonderful
27:56Thank you
27:59Wow
27:59A lot of salt
28:00and pepper shakers
28:00You think you got enough?
28:03Sorry about that
28:04Oh, here
28:04Try this
28:08What is it?
28:09It's my pumpkin
28:10yogurt bread batter
28:11I want to include
28:12a fat-free recipe
28:13in my newsletter tomorrow
28:14Mmm
28:15Because my Little Debbies
28:16are going to need
28:17all the energy
28:17they can get
28:20Absolutely
28:20I was going to say
28:21get out of my head
28:22because when he
28:23when he took the old set
28:30Katie's remains
28:31were never recovered
28:32from that creek
28:33Atticus
28:35Put your shoes on
28:36Honey, we're late
28:36This episode of
28:37Murder My Stupid Ass, Please
28:38is sponsored by
28:38Dev for MSG
28:39Go to change.org today
28:40and add your name
28:41to the petition
28:42Amanda
28:51Oh, good
28:52This is all for you
28:53What?
28:56Oh, my God
28:57They found my home address
28:59Oh, my God
28:59No, I-I-I don't want
29:00anything to do with this
29:01return to sender
29:03Except for the old Navy
29:05I got three other bands
29:06I am being stuck
29:08and harassed
29:09return to sender
29:09grassy ass
29:10grassy ass
29:11I feel so angry
29:13I am alive
29:17We're lost in music
29:19Hello?
29:22Who's there?
29:23My people is everything
29:25Just to go with me
29:27They're kids
29:28Yeah, they're
29:29I'm going to get
29:31out of my way
29:32Out of my way
29:33I'm going to get
29:36One more MSG
29:37I understand
29:38Many of you
29:39have been waiting
29:40for me to speak
29:40on this
29:41So hear me now
29:43I am not a lizard
29:46And I know that is
29:47something a lizard
29:47would say
29:49However
29:50That was really
29:51really believable
29:51though
29:51Yeah?
29:52Thanks
29:53Loved it
29:53Hello?
29:54The harassment
29:55has got to stop
29:56Still don't think
29:57it's a good idea
29:59But I'm giving you
30:00a date at the garden
30:01Oh, okay
30:02Wow
30:03That's fantastic
30:04Yeah, great
30:05Thanks, Amanda
30:06We'll talk real soon
30:11We're going to MSG
30:12Yes!
30:14One!
30:15September 11th
30:16Not 11th
30:17It was the only date available
30:19Great!
30:21Ah!
30:21Here we go!
30:23Ow, that hurt!
30:24God, it's like
30:24high-fiving the hole!
30:26Oh, my God
30:26You're set!
30:31Looked your heart
30:32and now you're gone
30:34Misused your love
30:35I did too long
30:38I never thought
30:39I'd say today
30:42You'd get your cold
30:43and walk away
30:46Come back home
30:48Darling, please
30:50Come back home
30:54Girl, I know
30:55I treated you wrong
30:56But baby, please
30:57Come back home
31:01I hope my baby
31:03knew I killed
31:04The pain within
31:06I made you feel
31:07Once was blind
31:10But now I see
31:11Girl, how much
31:13it means to me
31:15Oh, baby
31:16Come back home
31:18Darling, please
31:20Come back home
31:22Cause I can't stand it
31:25I just can't stand it
31:27Come back home
31:29Ooh, please
31:33Come back home
31:35Baby, please
31:37Oh, baby
31:39Baby, please
31:41Come back home
31:43Girl, I'll never teach you
31:45No more
31:47Please
31:48Come back home
31:50Come back home
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