- 2 days ago
First broadcast 20th/27th March 1988.
Robert Hardy - Russell Spam/Twiggy Rathbone
Richard Wilson - Dicky Lipton
Caroline Milmoe - Maggie Troon
David Barrass - Jack Thrush
Richard Kane - Greg Kettle
Ian Sears - Police Inspector
Tony Millan - Peasant
Sandy Grizzle - Page 3 Girl (as Sandra Grizzle)
Steve Amber - Sun Hack
Ali Bongo - Self
Wally Thomas - Judge's servant
Christopher Timothy - Advert Voiceover
Tony Aitken - Mr. Pooly
Stella Moray - BBC Producer
Sarah Whitlock - BBC PA
Charles Collingwood - Newsreader
Sara Crowe - Blue Peter Presenter (as Sara K. Crowe)
Steven Law - Foreman
Kevin Quarmby - BBC Security Officer
Linzi Drew - Stephanie
Robert Hardy - Russell Spam/Twiggy Rathbone
Richard Wilson - Dicky Lipton
Caroline Milmoe - Maggie Troon
David Barrass - Jack Thrush
Richard Kane - Greg Kettle
Ian Sears - Police Inspector
Tony Millan - Peasant
Sandy Grizzle - Page 3 Girl (as Sandra Grizzle)
Steve Amber - Sun Hack
Ali Bongo - Self
Wally Thomas - Judge's servant
Christopher Timothy - Advert Voiceover
Tony Aitken - Mr. Pooly
Stella Moray - BBC Producer
Sarah Whitlock - BBC PA
Charles Collingwood - Newsreader
Sara Crowe - Blue Peter Presenter (as Sara K. Crowe)
Steven Law - Foreman
Kevin Quarmby - BBC Security Officer
Linzi Drew - Stephanie
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:02Take a look at the front page of this nameless rival newspaper, Dickie, and tell me what you see.
00:09I see a story claiming that Elton John's Cocker Spaniel was having a gay affair with one of the Queen's
00:16courties.
00:17A story which nowhere appears in today's Crucible, because?
00:22Because I spiked it, Mr. Rathbone.
00:26You spiked it?
00:29Excellent.
00:31Since you took the helm of my newspaper, Dickie, you've raised the standard of journalism higher than I ever dared
00:38hope.
00:39Readers are deserting us in their thousands.
00:43For the first time in nine months we've been overtaken in the circulation race by the son.
00:51We'll win them back in no time at all, sir, with integrity.
00:59And of course we will, Dickie, with integrity.
01:06Okay, everyone, this is a special Crucible reconstruction of last week's real-life murder tragedy.
01:12The family of a high court judge, all found slaughtered at home, so we want it done with taste and
01:18sensitivity.
01:19Okay, right, everyone, positions!
01:24How's it looking, Maggie?
01:26Well, apart from the fact that none of these people look remotely like the real murder victims, and the fact
01:33the judge was never found holding a knife, he'd already gone by the time the police got there.
01:39Perfect.
01:39Great!
01:41Great!
01:41Okay, Andy, let's try and knock a few off quick before Dickie...
01:47It's the best murder yarn since Lord Luke and Dickie.
01:51Four corpses and a judge who's done a vanishing act.
01:54It's not the sort of story we can afford to ignore.
01:57Quite.
01:58Maggie, I gather the police have now launched a nationwide hunt for this man, Hitchcock.
02:02They're furiously known as Throat Hack Beak, and Mr. Justice ripped them up.
02:10What are the chances that we could find him before they do?
02:14Dickie, with respect, the man could be anywhere.
02:16This is your story, Maggie.
02:17I'm giving you first crack.
02:20Whatever up to sex discrimination.
02:24Dickie, you're sure it shouldn't be somebody more experienced looking for him, someone like Greg Kettle?
02:29There is no one like Greg Kettle, Russell.
02:31I'm certainly not sending him out in a lurid mass murder story with all the subtlety of a ferret in
02:36a trouser factory.
02:38I'm putting him in a plane this morning to come with a worsening situation in El Salvador.
02:42El Salvador? Greg Kettle?
02:45There's still too much rubbish percolating through Russell.
02:51As for this moment, I want to see every story before it's printed. Is that clear?
02:55Every story, Dickie? You're talking about well over 200 separate items.
02:58Well, if it's 200 or 300, I want to see every story.
03:02Ladies and gentlemen, as from now, I'm expanding the crucible to carry 1,200 stories a day.
03:11Six separate editions.
03:13Constantly updated to bring the reader all the news as it happens, when it happens.
03:18Starting at 6 a.m. with our normal normal edition, the Rack Plan Regular, and followed thereafter by the noon
03:27review, the tea-time tittle-tattle, the late night's lowdown, the midnight's express, and 3 a.m. by the homeward
03:37-wandering drunk Extra.
03:39Well, that incidentally, let me refute this rumor that I'm in any way launching a no-holds-barred circulation war
03:46against our competitors competition in Fleet Street will continue to be what it's always been.
03:52Clean, fair, and mature in every respect.
03:58Clean, fair, and mature in every respect.
04:29Here we are, Mr. Kettle.
04:32As you can see, places in San Salvador are not nearly as bad as the news reports will have you
04:38believe.
04:38I'll be the judge of that, Inspector, as an ambassador of Her Majesty's Press.
04:43Here is a list of my breakfast requirements, which has the force of law.
04:48You'll note I am entitled to four slices of black pudding under the Geneva Convention.
04:54I will treat this with the respect it deserves.
05:06Excuse me.
05:07You are official representative of Queen Elizabeth.
05:11My face is well known at Buckingham Palace.
05:13You must help us.
05:15The political situation is worsening.
05:18Repression, persecution everywhere.
05:20I see.
05:23And your name is?
05:25No, no, please.
05:26Well, I'll just put peasant.
05:30What exactly is your problem?
05:33Eastern morning, I leave our home in the village.
05:36I come into town to see the man who will buy a horse.
05:39When I return, my father, my two brothers, have been arrested and imprisoned for no reason at all.
05:45I see.
05:46Yes.
05:47You're about to sell your horse.
05:51Excuse me?
05:52Your horse.
05:53You're selling it.
05:55Why?
05:56Well, he's very old horse.
05:59The man at the factory pays a...
06:00Factory?
06:01What sort of factory?
06:02The factory.
06:03They buy old horses.
06:05But this is not...
06:05No, no, no, not to Vince Wurtz.
06:06You're planning to sell off your horse to be melted down for glue.
06:11Is that it?
06:12So this one now reads, News at 10, Alistair, in Bogey or Nose, Bristle Poser.
06:18Was it or wasn't it?
06:20No, no, I'm sorry, Mr. Ratbear.
06:22You get millions of homes...
06:23Yes, I will.
06:24I don't like to rush you, Dickie, but the noon reviews do parole in 25 minutes.
06:29Which of these have you checked?
06:30I don't like check, Russell.
06:32Don't you see?
06:33In game of the three-hand report left in Soweto, hundreds of callers jammed IT and switchboards
06:38with offers of tissues and hankies, and a Tory MP has already slammed the IBA, calling
06:43for sweeping nostril checks.
06:45Look, shut down the heavy cuff, will you?
06:48They're covering as a page lead, and spike those two.
06:51Why roast Hubby to re-wed Pornpix Paula?
06:54What?
06:55So we spike 20 ways to tell if your teenager is a tie-boy.
06:59Yes.
07:00And we spike the new Anglo-Irish Accord talks?
07:04Yes.
07:05And we print when you're waiting condoms?
07:07Yes.
07:08No, Russell!
07:10You're not there!
07:10You know, I didn't mean...
07:15I hope you're not from one of them rubbish newspapers.
07:19I haven't got any time for rubbish newspapers.
07:23I prefer the ones with the naked ladies in them.
07:27The quality end of the market, eh?
07:30Got some of their fat throng on this, of course, but...
07:34In what way?
07:36Lady Hitchcock.
07:38She was on that sofa there with her throat gashed.
07:41Oh, you mean her head hadn't fallen off and rolled into the fireplace,
07:45like they said in the store?
07:46That must have been a typing error.
07:49And, son and daughter-in-law,
07:51were they not half-naked upstairs in a position from the Kama Sutra?
07:54No, no.
07:55They were playing chess in the front room.
07:58So, um, I don't suppose you've any idea where he might have sloped off to, the old boy?
08:04I haven't, but, er, rumour has it, as there was a fancy woman.
08:12Fancy?
08:13Now, a few weeks ago, he had me make up a huge bunch of red roses
08:19and sent them off by special delivery.
08:23I, er, held on to the address.
08:28Miss Marion Jane Ramble,
08:31all my deepest love
08:33from your dearest darling, Jimsy.
08:37Hmm.
08:39What time did you want to go?
08:40Oh, I don't know.
08:41Oh, darling.
08:42Morning, Mr. Lipson.
08:44Anything wrong?
08:45Anything wrong?
08:46I've just been stopped by six masked men at Stepney Tube
08:49and forced at knife point
08:50to buy a dozen copies of my own newspaper.
08:56Misguided crucible fanatics, Nicky.
08:58We applaud their motives, but not their methods.
09:01And furthermore, I thought it was agreed
09:03we were running the new Soviet missile offer on the front page,
09:06instead of which
09:07I find this little gem from Kettle.
09:10A new and hideous atrocity
09:12is all set to rock the population
09:15of striped horn El Salvador
09:17when poor, unwanted, happy the horse
09:21goes to the final counter
09:23to be callously melted down
09:26and sniffed by teenagers.
09:30But you approved it, Dicky.
09:32It's the most mindless drivel I've ever read.
09:35Don't you remember?
09:36Four o'clock this morning on the phone
09:38just after I'd read out
09:40Sue Pollard's Wacky Cures for Cancer.
09:44It's inane, Pap, and it goes no further.
09:48Do you understand?
09:56Sit in.
09:59Stay with you, boy.
10:05Heel.
10:18Room service?
10:20I'd like two more bottles of chilled Shablis
10:22and some hay.
10:25604.
10:29Pave 17, column 3.
10:31This one, Dicky.
10:32A two-line filler
10:33on the Icelandic ambassador's statement
10:36about mackerel quotas.
10:40Spam.
10:41Greg!
10:42How's it going with Pedro the peasant?
10:44No problems with the purchase, Russell.
10:46I've got the bill of sale here
10:47written on the back of a warrant
10:49for his daughter's arrest.
10:51Heel the horse is now the official property
10:53of the Daily Crucible newspaper
10:55and safely tucked away
10:56where evil hands
10:57can no one get.
10:59Sensational, Greg.
11:01Snacks from the jaws of death.
11:03The world breathes again
11:05as the Crucible averts
11:06another international tragedy.
11:08Happy the Hoofers,
11:09happy ending.
11:11Death threat nag
11:13cheats bone-melt
11:15glue-pot doom.
11:18A heartbreak horse
11:19lives to
11:21nay
11:23another
11:24day.
11:26What do you say, Dicky?
11:28Do we run it?
11:29No.
11:30Drive, drag!
11:31There's our tea time splash.
11:34Uh,
11:35Greg,
11:36a word of warning.
11:38We just had a tip-off
11:39that a gang of cutthroats
11:41from the Daily Star
11:42may be coming over
11:43no telling what they might try
11:44to scoop us on this story,
11:46so, uh,
11:47keep your eyes open.
11:48Have no fears, Russell.
11:50The star won't get a look in this time.
11:52Happy the Horse
11:53is in the Crucible's custody
11:54and that's where he'll stay.
11:55Rest assured.
11:59Hi-ho silver!
12:02It's Happy the Horse Week
12:03in your new
12:0424-hour Crucible
12:05with a black beauty a day
12:07on page 4.
12:08I get my oats
12:09with the Crucible.
12:10Plus,
12:11it's heartwarming,
12:12it's hit-making,
12:13it's horse age.
12:14All your favorite stars
12:15get together
12:16on this sensational
12:17fundraising symbol
12:18to pay the legal fees
12:19in our fight
12:19to get Happy the Horse
12:21back from the start.
12:22The mirror and sun
12:24are a pain in the bones.
12:27The mainland express
12:29are a love of darkness.
12:32The Crucible's
12:34always the greatest of course.
12:37And we are the ones.
12:40We are the ones.
12:43We save Happy
12:45and we the horse.
12:47You can't afford
12:48not to buy it.
12:49So gallop on down
12:50to your newsagents today
12:51for the white-hot
12:52Crucible.
12:53The paper
12:54with integrity.
12:56I'm disgusted, Dickie,
12:57that the fate of our circulation
12:59should depend upon
13:00some scrawny nag
13:01with a one-way ticket
13:02to the knacker's yard.
13:04What are the responsible values
13:06in the press today?
13:07I tell you where they are.
13:08They're in the men
13:09and women of the retail trade
13:10who labor every hour
13:12that God sends them
13:13to sell our publications.
13:14And that's why
13:14this gala dinner tonight
13:16for the Rathouse
13:17News Vendor of the Year
13:18is so important to us all.
13:20You'll be making
13:21the presentation
13:22to the winner,
13:23Mr. Rajeed Patel
13:24of Hackney,
13:26whose chirpy philosophy
13:28is an inspiration
13:30to us all.
13:32The Crucible
13:33is the one for me
13:34every time,
13:35says Mr. Patel,
13:36age 63.
13:38The Mirror and Son,
13:39they're just a
13:39pain in the bum.
13:42As for the Men Express,
13:44they're nothing
13:45but a lump
13:45of dog's mess.
13:48Fifteen minutes,
13:48Dickie,
13:49and don't forget
13:50the award.
13:53The Award.
13:56Oh!
14:13Go away!
14:15I don't want
14:15to talk to you.
14:19Miss Randall,
14:20it's Maggie Troon here
14:21from the Daily Crucible
14:22newspaper.
14:24We're trying to trace
14:25Mr. Justice Hitchcock
14:26and we think you might
14:27know where he is.
14:28I don't know anything!
14:29Go away!
14:33Miss Randall,
14:34every police officer
14:35in the country
14:35is after this man
14:36for mass murder
14:37and we know
14:39you are having
14:39an affair with him.
14:40We know you've been
14:42sleeping together
14:42for several years,
14:43Miss Randall.
14:44Now,
14:45are you going to
14:45open this door
14:46or do you want
14:46to continue discussing
14:48your intimate
14:48sexual fornications
14:50in public?
14:59Shh!
15:03Oh, no, Russell,
15:05but I have found
15:05his auntie
15:06who wasn't terribly
15:07helpful.
15:09Violent,
15:09but not terribly
15:10helpful.
15:11Well, I'm trying
15:12to chase up
15:13some story
15:14who might have
15:14some bit on the
15:14side.
15:15Well, I'm a bit
15:16stumped at the
15:16moment.
15:18Well, no.
15:19Well, yeah,
15:20the police cleared
15:21everything out
15:21of his desk.
15:22There was only
15:22his typewriter
15:23left, so...
15:25Oh, God!
15:26The typewriter!
15:27How could I have
15:27missed that?
15:29Um, no, no, no,
15:30no, sorry, Russell.
15:31Listen, I've just
15:31had an idea, okay?
15:33Um, I'll ring you
15:33back later, right?
15:34Bye-bye.
15:39Today, the world
15:40teeters on a precipice
15:42such as we have not
15:42seen since the
15:43Cuban Missile Crisis.
15:45Will Happy the Horse
15:46be returned to the
15:46Crucible, or will
15:48the law of the
15:49jungle, as practiced
15:50by the evil brigands
15:51of the Star, be
15:52allowed to hold sway?
15:53And don't forget,
15:54the Queen is said to
15:55be taking a personal
15:56interest.
15:57Really?
15:58Yes, I just said
15:59it.
16:02Dickie who?
16:04Dickie?
16:05What's that?
16:07Tragedy struck at
16:08the gala dinner.
16:10Apparently, during
16:11the cabaret, Dickie
16:12went up on the
16:12stage to help a
16:13conjurer with a
16:14magic trick.
16:15Yeah.
16:17And halfway through
16:17the act, the conjurer
16:18died of a heart
16:19attack.
16:20And now Dickie's
16:21trapped in a box
16:23with 15 razor-sharp
16:25swords speared
16:26through him.
16:28Well, give him our
16:29best wishes and we
16:30hope he's out soon.
16:34Right then.
16:35When you're waiting
16:37condoms, that was
16:38one he approved,
16:39wasn't it?
16:40Gentlemen, I have
16:42now examined all the
16:43legal documentation
16:44at gray length.
16:46I, Pedro the
16:47peasant, sell Happy
16:49the horse exclusively
16:50to the Crucible for
16:52$100.
16:53I, Pedro the
16:55peasant, sell Happy
16:56the horse exclusively
16:58to the star for $100.
17:01And I'm afraid only
17:03one interpretation is
17:04possible.
17:05You are both owners of
17:06Happy the horse.
17:08Both the owners?
17:08What are you doing?
17:09Hey, no!
17:10Join ownership or I
17:11take him away.
17:12You understand?
17:13You will both leave
17:14El Salvador this afternoon
17:16and you will take this
17:17of course and I will
17:18with you.
17:18It's my horse.
17:19Yes, sir.
17:20And no more of this
17:21trivial school playground
17:23squabbling.
17:24The United Nations
17:25shall be out of this
17:26way.
17:26No mistake!
17:28I don't want to talk to you.
17:29Go away!
17:31This is a tragedy no one
17:33could have foreseen,
17:34Dickie.
17:38My blood chills to the
17:39plasma when I think
17:41what horrors, spam,
17:43may be perpetrating
17:44back in that newsroom
17:45right now while you
17:46lie here like a human
17:47pincushion.
17:49Perhaps you could just
17:50try pulling the swords
17:51out.
17:51No, no, don't try
17:52to move, Dickie.
17:52That could be fatal.
17:54This is a job for the
17:55expert.
17:57Ah, come in.
17:58Come in.
18:04Who's that man?
18:08Addy Bongo, Dickie.
18:09Magic consultant to
18:10Paul Daniels.
18:12He'll have to skewers
18:12out of you in no time.
18:14Ah, right.
18:15This is the bong now.
18:32Okay, caballeros.
18:33Join on his ship,
18:34I think we agree.
18:3650-50, sign here, please.
18:38Oh, come on, come on.
18:39Where is he?
18:39I'm not boarding that
18:40plane till I've seen
18:41that horse.
18:42The horse is here,
18:44senor, no problem.
18:45Rodriguez.
18:5650% each, yes?
18:59It's simple.
19:00We saw him in half.
19:05Now there are no more
19:07arguments.
19:08Have a good flight,
19:09gentlemen.
19:11Good.
19:42My darling,
19:44Can't, Linda, just a line to say how much I'm missing you
19:51since our last moment together?
19:59It's Linda Copeland.
20:07I'm speechless, Russell.
20:11Speechless? In what way, Dickie?
20:13After five hours spent in a box with some simpleton in a fez
20:17performing hocus-pocus in my face,
20:20I was prepared to come back here and find almost anything.
20:24But I was not, in my wildest nightmare, prepared for this.
20:31It's a miracle.
20:36Sword-up horses stitched together again.
20:42Happy the horse last night,
20:44we need a big thank you to the daily hotel.
20:48Only hours after a callous kidnap attempt by the star
20:52had resulted in him being sworded in half by police officers.
20:56The plucky little steed survived an amazing 11-hour mercy operation
21:03in which top Brazilian doctors rush to El Salvador
21:09to sew his body back together again.
21:15The British public aren't stupid.
21:19They'll see through this load of trapers.
21:22Turn up if she was a sell-out.
21:23We've put on a million copies.
21:25What?
21:28Mr Rathbone's throwing a special champagne breakfast
21:30at the Rats Hotel to celebrate our circulation victory.
21:33This is all due to you, Dickie.
21:39Without your vision and guiding light,
21:42we should be as sightless spirits wandering through the void.
21:47You are the crucible, Dickie.
21:50And you, Russell, are the mirror and sun.
22:16Miss Copeland?
22:23Miss Copeland?
22:25Miss Copeland?
22:26Are you in here?
22:31Miss Copeland?
22:33Miss Copeland?
22:34Miss Copeland?
22:36Miss Copeland?
22:50Miss Copeland?
22:53Miss Copeland?
22:55Miss Copeland?
22:57Miss Copeland?
22:58Miss Copeland?
22:59Miss Copeland?
23:00Miss Copeland?
23:00Miss Copeland?
23:04Let's see if I've got this right so far.
23:06The family of a high court judge are all found murdered,
23:09but the judge themselves gone missing.
23:10We tracked down a woman we think he's been having an affair with,
23:13and why don't she's been hacked to death as well.
23:16I don't know if you've got a strong stomach, Mr Lipton.
23:20My God.
23:22These are appalling.
23:23Well, police photographers.
23:25Can't expect quality.
23:28Notice the couple there, the son and daughter-in-law.
23:30What? They're still sitting at a chess table.
23:33The board and the piece is still laid out in front of them.
23:37Macabre.
23:38There's something wrong with that picture.
23:39I just wish I could work out what it is.
23:42And then what about the canary?
23:44Exactly.
23:46What canary?
23:48When I found a girlfriend's body,
23:49there was a dead canary lying on the floor of its cage.
23:53Well, canaries aren't noted for the high suicide rate, Mr Lipton.
23:57There's something very dodgy about this whole story.
23:59And very dangerous.
24:00I'm not sure it's safe for you
24:01to be investigating all this violence and brutality.
24:04I've covered Labour Party conferences.
24:06I'll manage.
24:08I'm having a meeting with Mr Rathbone now.
24:11Well, stick with it for the moment then, Maggie.
24:13I'm hoping for a good, honest story from this in the end.
24:16God knows we need one.
24:18See you, Mr Lipton.
24:2125 years ago, Terence Rathbone had a dream.
24:25He dreamt of a place of magic, fun and excitement on a high-yield investment basis.
24:31A happy land where children laugh and sing and dog turds are a thing of the past.
24:36Now, everyone can share in that dream at Rat World.
24:41A fantasy land for all the family at non-explosive admission classes.
24:44At Rat World, you'll gaze in wonder at our life-size animated models of the royal family.
24:49So quite like they're almost real.
24:52For the first time, you can go inside the palace
24:55and watch the Queen scrubbing her toenails in the bath
24:58and her hurling four-letter obscenities at each other
25:01and Prince Andrew going to the lavatory.
25:04Yes, there's something for everyone at Rat World.
25:08Visit Brit Eklund's house of toy boys
25:10for a special public show of her favourite sexual positions every hour.
25:15Then, why not take a trip to the wonderful world of the loony left
25:19where everything is topsy-turvy.
25:22Lesbians frolic in the woods.
25:24Money goes on trees
25:25and labour counsellors meet to discuss their spending policies.
25:29Yes, Rat World
25:30for a dazzling day out amid nature's miracles.
25:34Near Falling Bridge in Hampshire,
25:35formerly the New Forest.
25:42I don't know what to say, sir.
25:45I mean, the New Forest used to be home to deer and ponies.
25:49Conservation of the local fauna was our top priority, Dickie.
25:52We had them all skinned and turned into robots.
25:56Extinction becomes a thing of the past.
25:59But all these shows and attractions, this is everything you hate.
26:02This is what we're trying to eradicate in The Crucible, isn't it?
26:07Yes, of course it is.
26:08Oh, we shouldn't have had Russell Spam on board as creative advisor.
26:13Still, warts can be ironed out.
26:16I didn't build Rat World as the ultimate in tacky commercialism.
26:20I built it as a monument for the nation.
26:26I'm sorry.
26:27I cannot endorse it in this present form.
26:29I cannot publish these adverts in The Crucible.
26:32Now, if you'll excuse me,
26:33I have urgent things to attend to downstairs.
26:35Yes, yes, well, uh, good morning, Mr. Rathbone.
26:41Yes, Dickie.
26:42Good morning.
26:53And finally,
26:56our resident psychiatrist, Dr. Lillian Schwarzkopf,
27:00for her weekly column,
27:02On the Couch with Lobotomy Lil.
27:06Dear Lill,
27:08I have just undergone the distressing experience of a mastectomy.
27:12It has left me totally shattered
27:14and unable to cope with life anymore.
27:18Lil replies.
27:21Cheer up, lovey, and keep your pecker up.
27:26OK, so you're a knock-a-down on most women,
27:29but you're still one-up on Marty Kane.
27:33Your contracts all expire at the end of the month.
27:37They will not be renewed.
27:40Go on, out, all of you.
27:43And now, kettle.
27:47Firing is too good for a man
27:49whose mission to El Salvador
27:51as political correspondent
27:53resulted in a horse being sawn in half.
27:56I am therefore demoting you
27:59to the lowliest rank possible
28:01on a national newspaper.
28:02As from now, you are show business editor.
28:06Really, Mr. Lipton, are you sure?
28:08Not another word, Greg.
28:09Out.
28:10I've got a lot to do.
28:12But Greg, what's going on?
28:14What was your list?
28:15Morning, Dickie.
28:16I'm Mr. Fallon Kane.
28:18Just a spot of vermin control, Russell.
28:20Talking of which brings me to what
28:22must be one of the greatest single mysteries
28:24in modern civilisation.
28:27Who is it that writes the captions
28:29for the page three girls?
28:30Oh, sorry, Jim.
28:31What species of deformed mutant
28:34could sit down and compose lines like these?
28:39Cockney Corker, Susie Tomkin, 17,
28:42is a real brainy beauty.
28:44She's got an old level in geography.
28:47Well, fellas, we know one thing.
28:49Her contours have certainly put her on the map.
28:55A tree died for this, Russell.
28:59Well, you can't get her.
29:01She's a lump of plastic with teeth.
29:03The women here are just about as real
29:05as the robots in Rat World.
29:07Well, as from now, they're out.
29:10There will be no more topless girls
29:13in this newspaper.
29:14What?
29:15What?
29:20Where is me more than I can say, Russell?
29:23I wish I'd never set eyes on it.
29:25Dickie Lipton's old medical records.
29:28As a young actor in rap,
29:30he suffered a severe nervous breakdown
29:31brought on by the pressures of playing
29:33King Lear and Widow Twanky
29:35on alternate nights.
29:37He made a good recovery, of course,
29:40and has been in perfect mental health ever since.
29:45Nevertheless, Russell...
29:46Well, you've got me worrying as well now, sir.
29:49For who's to say that
29:51further emotional stress, fatigue, and confusion
29:54might not once again
29:55push him over the precipice
29:57into the twilight zone of madness?
30:03Script day 50 brings us up to week 46,
30:07which is one of yours, Tony.
30:09Then Jillian's,
30:11in which we finally discover
30:13the identity of the child's father.
30:16Any points, anyone?
30:17Yes.
30:18I'm not very happy with the master storyline,
30:21I'm afraid,
30:22though I've drawn up a few changes.
30:24In the first week's episode,
30:26Angie killed herself with a meat cleaver.
30:29After her new lover
30:30goes off with Kenny Everett.
30:33And Doc Cotton becomes pregnant.
30:36After Livian gunmen
30:38occupy the local laundrette.
30:40Following an invitation
30:41from the left-wing council.
30:43Also, I've rejigged
30:45your script for tomorrow, Jonathan.
30:47The man who gave me
30:48the new script pages to type up.
30:50All right, come on.
30:51You've no right to be in here.
30:52But I presented my documentation
30:53at the gate.
30:54I told you,
30:55possession of a BBC licence
30:57does not grant you
30:58the right to direct programmes.
31:08I hope the information I've given you
31:10will be of use
31:11in fathoming out
31:12this grisly affair
31:13at number 15.
31:14Oh, I'm sure it will.
31:17Thanks.
31:17And I've really enjoyed
31:18our three-hour discussion.
31:20But I think...
31:20Incidentally,
31:21some of the other reporters
31:22who've interviewed me
31:23thought I was a little bit strange.
31:25Yeah.
31:26Yeah?
31:27But just because you saw
31:28a yeti going into her house?
31:30Very valuable, aren't you?
31:31I'm not certain it was a yeti.
31:33It was very dark at the time.
31:36It could have been a yeti
31:37or Bigfoot,
31:39as it's colloquially known.
31:41Or indeed,
31:42some other gigantic species
31:44of ape-related extraterrestrial
31:47from another world,
31:48say,
31:49Jupiter
31:49or
31:51Uranus.
31:52It was very large
31:54with huge lumbering feet.
31:56Feet.
31:57Terrific.
31:58Well, thanks for all the leaflets
31:59and...
32:00Incidentally,
32:01if you did wish to know more
32:02about my strange sightings
32:03and discoveries,
32:05why not pop in one night
32:06to our local society?
32:08It's the South Peckham
32:09and District UFO
32:10and Intriguing Phenomena Society.
32:14Spadufoits.
32:16And my name's Pooley.
32:18That's P-O-O-L-Y.
32:23Trevor.
32:24Pooley.
32:25The first evening I get free.
32:27OK, well,
32:28all the best then.
32:29Thanks for your information.
32:30Nice to have met you, Miss Troon.
32:32Oh, nice to have met you,
32:33Mr. Lupe.
32:37Russell,
32:38you're just trying to confuse me.
32:39It doesn't make sense.
32:40How can Dirty Dan's cousin Susie
32:43be having an affair
32:43with a former Nazi war criminal?
32:45It's quite clear
32:46it's a great copy, Dickie.
32:48A man named, uh,
32:49Jim Barnes.
32:51Yes,
32:51but Jim Barnes
32:52isn't a former Nazi war criminal.
32:54Yeah, of course he is.
32:56What?
32:57Just because he played
32:57like a star-poo officer
32:58and a low-a-low?
33:00No, no, it isn't real.
33:02It's just a TV series.
33:04So is EastEnders, Dickie.
33:06Yes,
33:06but in EastEnders
33:07he's not a Gestapo officer.
33:10No, he isn't in EastEnders, Dickie.
33:12He's in Brookside.
33:15How can you be having an affair
33:16with Dirty Dan's cousin
33:18if she's in EastEnders?
33:19She isn't in EastEnders.
33:21She's in Brookside.
33:23But you just said
33:24she was Dirty Dan's cousin.
33:25She is.
33:28How can Dirty Dan's cousin
33:30in EastEnders
33:31be his cousin in Brookside?
33:33She isn't Dirty Dan's cousin
33:35in EastEnders, Dickie.
33:37But you just said she was.
33:39No.
33:39She's Dirty Dan's cousin
33:40in real life.
33:44But, but,
33:45how could you be
33:46Dirty Dan's cousin
33:47in real life
33:47when Dirty Dan
33:48doesn't bloody well exist?
33:50There's no such person
33:51as Dirty Dan.
33:52He's just a...
33:52Jack!
33:53Jack!
33:54What happened to you?
33:55The pickets on the front gate
33:56it took me half an hour
33:57to get through.
33:58Pickets?
33:59Well, we settled
34:00a sogut dispute weeks ago.
34:01It's not sogut, Russell.
34:03It's worse than that.
34:05Much worse.
34:07As the crippling strike
34:08by Page Three Girls
34:09enters its second week,
34:10sales of all the major tabloids
34:12have tumbled by 60%.
34:14But the girls' newly formed union,
34:16the Democratic Federation
34:17of Luscious Lovelies,
34:18are determined to stay on strike
34:20until their members
34:20at the crucible
34:21are reinstated.
34:23General Secretary
34:24Mandy Papworth, 18,
34:25said,
34:25We're not as brainless
34:26as people think.
34:27If necessary,
34:28we'll take our case
34:29to amputation.
34:31In the meantime,
34:31her members today
34:32launch an attack
34:33on a new front
34:33by demonstrating
34:34outside the entrance
34:35to Rat World,
34:37the multi-million pound
34:38amusement park
34:39of crucible owner
34:40Terence Rathbone.
34:42Thousands of potential
34:42customers turned back
34:43refusing to cross
34:44the picket line.
34:45The man who started
34:46the whole dispute,
34:47Mr. Richard Lipton,
34:49now being dubbed
34:49in rival newspapers
34:50the tit-finder general,
34:52was a reporter
34:52earlier today
34:53outside the crucible's
34:55premises in East London.
34:56No, I do not propose
34:58to bring back
34:58topless girls
34:59in the crucible.
35:00To be frank,
35:00I find naked bosoms
35:01quite distasteful.
35:02Well, stop toasting them, then.
35:06Quite distasteful
35:07and an insult to women.
35:08And I, in turn,
35:09to preserve and protect
35:10those values
35:11I hold most dear,
35:12the simple values
35:12of human dignity.
35:25This page three dispute
35:26is getting out of hand,
35:27Dickie.
35:28It was with unbridled
35:29horror that I heard
35:30last night
35:30how you were beaten up
35:31in an alleyway
35:32by a gang
35:32of curvaceous cuties.
35:34For all our sakes,
35:36this must be settled.
35:37As a lifelong socialist,
35:38I cannot stand by
35:39and see innocent,
35:40sexy sizzlers
35:41thrown on the scrap heap.
35:42I cannot deny
35:44an individual
35:45the right to work,
35:45for denying an individual
35:46the right to work
35:47is the effect
35:48of a bad curry
35:49in the bottom of my heart.
35:53Without in the least
35:54usurping your authority,
35:55I've referred this whole dispute
35:56to ACAS,
35:58and I trust you'll abide
35:59by their decision.
36:01ACAS?
36:05Right.
36:06Incidentally,
36:07I hope you'll let me know
36:08if the strain
36:09is getting too much,
36:10Dickie.
36:11If I thought all this
36:12was turning you
36:12into a mindless,
36:13gibbering wreck,
36:15I'd have it on my
36:16conscience forever.
36:17More Valium.
36:21Yeah,
36:22enough reporter fans
36:23snooping around
36:24this morning, I hear.
36:25This is about the only
36:26place left now
36:27you can get any privacy.
36:44yes,
36:45I can confirm
36:46that a deal
36:47has been worked out
36:48in this dispute,
36:49and I've been asked
36:49to read the following
36:51statement.
36:54From midnight tonight,
36:56the girls will resume
36:57normal working,
36:59in return,
37:00the management
37:01of the daily crucible
37:02have agreed
37:02to reinstate
37:03all photographs
37:04of bare breasts
37:06backdated
37:07to the 1st of March.
37:10So,
37:10there'll be 13 pairs
37:12of them
37:12on page 3
37:13tomorrow.
37:15A new pay structure
37:16will be phased in
37:17with differentials
37:19linked to nipple size.
37:22And for skilled
37:23and highly skilled
37:24models,
37:25those with more
37:26than one facial expression,
37:29there will be
37:30an incentive scheme
37:31involving
37:32Nick Kershaw's phone number.
37:38Which one
37:38do you think,
37:39Dickie?
37:40Page 3,
37:41pick strike spiked,
37:43tit finder general
37:44dealt no blouse
37:45body blow
37:46as dreamboat
37:47dolly deal
37:47gives green light
37:48to press picks
37:50fleshpot jackpot.
37:52Pardon,
37:53Russell.
37:53Huh?
37:55Oh,
37:55or this one.
37:56Chest flash
37:57chick fans
37:58cheer chart
37:59of a cheesecake.
38:00Boob band man
38:02in bust
38:03bare back down
38:04as no bra
38:05breast bird
38:06barbie
38:06bites dust.
38:10I'm sorry,
38:10Russell,
38:11I don't seem
38:11to be able
38:12to understand
38:12what you're
38:13saying to me
38:13anymore.
38:14That's what I think,
38:15Jack.
38:17Shovel with the
38:18spread,
38:18Dickie.
38:21TV starlet
38:22spills all
38:22in the first
38:23installment
38:24of her sizzling
38:25bonk and tell
38:27memoirs.
38:28Former actress
38:29Goldie Finch
38:30tells it like it is
38:31behind the scenes
38:32and between the sheets.
38:34Over the next week
38:35I will reveal
38:36Blob,
38:38how I put on
38:39black suspenders
38:40for Friar Tuck.
38:43Blob,
38:44how I lost
38:45my virginity
38:46to a Dalek.
38:49Blob,
38:50how I was
38:51ramished
38:51at a showbiz orgy
38:52by Roland Rat
38:54and Orville the Duck
38:56and ended up
38:57in a Soho nightclub
38:59snorting
39:00copasootie.
39:02Russell,
39:03do you think
39:04I don't know
39:04what you're trying
39:05to do to me here?
39:06Do you think
39:07I can't see
39:08that all this
39:09is just to try
39:10and make me crack up?
39:12Sorry, Dickie.
39:13Well, it hasn't
39:13worked, has it?
39:14Because I know
39:16what your game is.
39:17Hmm?
39:18I know what a tissue
39:19of lies
39:20all this is, Russell.
39:21Yes, Dickie?
39:22Yes, I know
39:23because Sooty
39:24told me.
39:27Thank you, Sooty.
39:30Right.
39:31And from now on
39:33Sooty and I
39:34are taking
39:34no nonsense
39:35from anyone.
39:37Isn't that right, Sooty?
39:39Oh, look,
39:41here comes Sooty.
39:46Yes, we're first
39:47with the news again
39:48as the white-hot crucible
39:50brings you
39:50the burning issues
39:51of the century,
39:52the sensation
39:52of medical secrets
39:53of the East Enders.
39:55Top-level investigative
39:56journalism triumphs again
39:58as we uncork
39:59the amazing
39:59urine samples
40:00of the soap superstar.
40:02Yes, it's all
40:03in their specimens.
40:05Who's threatened?
40:05Who's diabetic?
40:06Which well-known character
40:07is an alcoholic?
40:08And just who
40:09has an embarrassing
40:10complaint
40:10that needs two injections
40:12a week
40:12till it clears up?
40:14Top-level
40:14Street urologist
40:15tests the water
40:16and tells all.
40:17All this
40:18plus a chance
40:18to win a year
40:19at Rat World
40:20with the dummy
40:21Queen and Prince Philip.
40:22Only in the crucible
40:23tomorrow.
40:24The paper with
40:25integrity.
40:28Words
40:29cannot describe,
40:30gentlemen,
40:31the outrageousness
40:32of this tasteless drivel.
40:34Quite aside from
40:35how you came
40:36to acquire
40:37these unspeakable
40:38specimens
40:39in the first place.
40:40I and the BBC
40:42want to know
40:43what you propose
40:44to do
40:44to make amends
40:45for this atrocity.
40:48I understand
40:49your feelings,
40:49of course.
40:51I don't fully
40:52sympathize with them.
40:53I can only ask
40:54you to be assured
40:54I'm in total
40:55command of the situation
40:57and that I...
40:58Oh, my God,
40:59no soup.
41:00What are you doing
41:01with that metal bar?
41:03Did you dare
41:04to...
41:04I don't...
41:05I don't...
41:35Afternoon. I'm Maggie Troon from the Daily Crucible newspaper.
41:39I wonder if you could spend...
41:41Not today, darling. We're very busy men.
41:43Why don't you op it like a nice girl, eh?
41:46Right.
41:47I suppose you've heard that the woman from next door here was found murdered.
41:52I don't know if you've ever saw...
41:52Look, we don't know anything and we haven't seen anyone.
41:55And if we had, we wouldn't tell the press.
41:57Because they're the scum of the earth.
41:59OK?
42:03Thanks for your help, then.
42:07Are you using timber or high tensile steel for these roof truss collars?
42:14Timber?
42:16I don't give much for your compressive stress ratios.
42:21See ya.
42:44Oh, my God.
42:57Bigfoot.
43:07Live from the University of London, we bring you Miss Brainy Breasts of Britain.
43:13Introduced by your host, Richard Lipton.
43:16And at the end of that run, Stephanie, you have scored no points of any time.
43:22Passed on 36.
43:24The letters in USA stand for United States of America.
43:39And may we have our next contender, please.
43:43Miss Rat World.
43:48Miss Rat World is an 18-year-old mechanical robot.
43:53Her hobbies are megalomania, self-publicity, and lifelong socialism.
43:57Her ambition is to go around the world and buy it.
44:03Great, may I have the jar of human organs, please?
44:08And you have 10 seconds to decide whether these are...
44:11Dirty Danes gallstones over the Ducks kidney stones...
44:15Or Martin Gates...
44:35Yes?
44:36Now, once the glue has everything is dry, you can paint the front of it any colour you want.
44:40This is one here that I did earlier.
44:43And I'm sure if your mummy got one of these for Mother's Day,
44:45she'd be absolutely thrilled to bits.
44:47And the good thing about it...
44:54It was a mistake anyone could have made, Mr. Rathbone.
44:57It seems that when Dickie came to in the BBC studio set of the series Casualty,
45:02where we'd left him for a lie-down,
45:04he thought it was a real hospital.
45:06And he got out of the bed and stumbled naked into the studio next door
45:10during a live broadcast of Blue Peter.
45:13We can but hope that the shock of exposing his genitals
45:16to millions of schoolchildren at tea time
45:20will not impede his return to full health.
45:22And I, for my part, will personally ensure that his rest cure
45:26at the London Rat Health Clinic is made as comfortable as possible
45:29and that he's fully shielded from any upset that might unhinge his mind.
45:35Well, I feel as fit as a fiddle again
45:37and ready to get back to work at the crucible again
45:39and may I thank you, Mr. Rathbone, from the bottom of my heart
45:42for your kindness, understanding, tireless importance.
45:48Impressed, Dickie?
45:49How may do it beats me?
45:52As from tomorrow, this automated robot will have pride of place at Rat World
45:56in the new exhibit,
45:57Great Flashouts of the 20th Century.
46:00Impressed, Dickie.
46:01Get well soon.
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