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Short filmTranscript
00:00:22For the next 90 minutes, you will be tranquil and at peace with your reality.
00:00:28As you listen to the sound of my voice, feel your body fall into a deep state of relaxation.
00:00:35You are listening to an Inner Awareness Incorporated guided personal affirmations recording.
00:00:42I have power.
00:00:45I am confident.
00:00:46A success story.
00:00:49People think I am an interesting person.
00:00:52I communicate lovingly.
00:00:56Okay, hold on.
00:00:57Feel radiant and abundant.
00:01:00Hold on.
00:01:01Okay, radiant.
00:01:02David.
00:01:03Abundant.
00:01:04Are you drunk again?
00:01:06No, I just had a little drink at lunch.
00:01:08It's 9.30 in the morning.
00:01:11So?
00:01:12I don't judge when you eat lunch.
00:01:13Okay, I was going to wait until after the session to tell you this, but apparently our female customers would
00:01:17like the voice of a heterosexual man feeding them their affirmations.
00:01:21Excuse me?
00:01:22Think about it.
00:01:23Insecure women want a straight man to tell them to love themselves.
00:01:25No, I'm not gay.
00:01:26I just have a gentle voice.
00:01:28David, you're gay.
00:01:29Just accept yourself as you are and all your problems will disappear.
00:01:33I don't have any problems.
00:01:34Like your drinking problem, for one.
00:01:36I don't have a drinking problem.
00:01:37And your denial problem.
00:01:38I don't have a denial problem.
00:01:40A lot of people want to work with me.
00:01:42I was on a hit TV series.
00:01:44That was a kid's show.
00:01:46So?
00:01:47That was 25 years ago.
00:01:49It's a classic.
00:01:51You're now doing shitty non-union voice work because that's the only acting gig you can get.
00:01:56I've never liked working with you.
00:01:58Okay, fine.
00:01:59You're fired.
00:02:05Now that we're relaxed, take a deep breath and repeat these affirmations to yourself.
00:02:11Let's start.
00:02:12If I don't fit into an imperfect world, I am better than the world I live in.
00:02:19I am in control of my life.
00:02:23I am responsible and well-loved.
00:02:29I am well-adjusted.
00:02:31I lead by example.
00:02:35I have a healthy body and mind.
00:02:38There is nothing to fear.
00:02:42What do you mean stage three?
00:02:43It's spread below the skin.
00:02:45This is pretty far in.
00:02:50We should talk about treatment options.
00:02:52I'm okay, actually.
00:02:55I understand you may be upset, but you need to deal with this.
00:02:58You can't cover this up with a bandage.
00:03:00This is skin cancer.
00:03:01Didn't your mother ever tell you if you didn't have anything nice to say not to say anything at all?
00:03:06Make a follow-up appointment with Janine on your way out.
00:03:10We need to come up with an aggressive treatment program.
00:03:13In the meantime, try to stay out of the sun.
00:03:17I take steps to be more healthy.
00:03:21I am resourceful.
00:03:23I find happiness in every moment.
00:03:28Every day, I get better and better.
00:03:33I have a rich and supportive social circle.
00:03:40Every decision I make helps shape my destiny.
00:03:45I have not peaked.
00:03:47My life is on the cusp of greatness.
00:03:53Wacky Street.
00:04:02David, open up.
00:04:03You're late with the rent again.
00:04:04That's really weird.
00:04:05I put a check in your mailbox this morning.
00:04:07You're lying.
00:04:08I hate liars.
00:04:09That's why I divorced my husband.
00:04:10I'll put another check in your mailbox tomorrow, okay?
00:04:13Put that cigarette out.
00:04:15This is a non-smoking building.
00:04:16You know that.
00:04:17Okay.
00:04:18I'll do it immediately.
00:04:20Have a great day, Miss Kim.
00:04:26I am what they call a success story.
00:04:29I can help shape the world of tomorrow from the wisdom I've learned from my past.
00:04:58I am known for my generosity.
00:05:07I am a servant of my community.
00:05:10I help others achieve their goals.
00:05:13Did you get it?
00:05:14Of course I got it.
00:05:15Here you go.
00:05:17I got your change, too.
00:05:20Thanks, mister.
00:05:21We've been standing out here trying all day.
00:05:23No problem.
00:05:23I like helping the youth of today.
00:05:25Thanks.
00:05:26Have a good future.
00:05:29Enjoy the tequila.
00:05:37Do you think you can lend me some money?
00:05:38You need money again.
00:05:40You need to call Mom and Dad.
00:05:41Oh, no, no, no.
00:05:42I've cut them off.
00:05:43Okay.
00:05:43Then you need to see somebody else.
00:05:45Call the psychiatrist.
00:05:46You need to talk to somebody.
00:05:48You need help, David.
00:05:49No, no, no, no.
00:05:50I don't need to talk to anybody.
00:05:51I don't need help.
00:05:51I want to help other people.
00:05:53Who do you want to help?
00:05:55Teenagers.
00:05:55You don't have any skills.
00:05:57Okay.
00:05:57Go to college or something.
00:05:58You can get a job.
00:05:59I don't need to go to college.
00:06:01I can get a job.
00:06:02This is what you don't understand.
00:06:04I'm an actor.
00:06:05I can be anyone.
00:06:07I can do anything.
00:06:08You need to go, David.
00:06:12Why?
00:06:14Because you're an embarrassment.
00:06:20You're cut off.
00:06:42You're cut off.
00:07:13Student Support Counselor.
00:07:17Perfect.
00:07:20As someone who makes a career out of helping youth, it's best to relate to them on every
00:07:25level possible.
00:07:27What teenagers need to hear more of is praise.
00:07:31If they know that we respect them, they will learn to respect themselves.
00:07:36Teenagers are complicated, but they're a lot like us.
00:07:45I give myself the power to build from my past and inhabit a new person.
00:07:55My name is Roland Brown. I'm a high school guidance counselor.
00:07:59My name is Roland Brown. I'm a high school guidance counselor.
00:08:04My name is Roland Brown. I'm a high school guidance counselor.
00:08:12What a youth counselor needs to do more of is praise.
00:08:17Teenagers are complicated, but they're a lot like us.
00:08:21The youth of today are my responsibility.
00:08:24You really have to operate on their level to get them to open up to you.
00:08:27For someone who makes a career out of helping youth, it's best to relate to them on every
00:08:31level possible.
00:08:33Teenagers are complicated, but they're a lot like us.
00:09:02My name is Mr. Roland Brown. It's a pleasure to meet you.
00:09:12I don't know how to get where I'm going, but I know I'm growing every day.
00:09:19And if I fall, I'll get back into it, cause I know I'm doing it my own way.
00:09:28Hi. My name is Roland Brown. I'm a high school guidance counselor.
00:09:35Okay.
00:09:36And for someone who makes a career out of helping youth, I should probably relate to them on every
00:09:40level possible.
00:09:42Are you going to buy something?
00:09:44Well, the youth today are my responsibility. Do you happen to know what they're smoking?
00:09:47Like drugs?
00:09:48Oh, no.
00:09:49Uh, cigarettes.
00:09:50Um, I'm a high school guidance counselor, so it actually helps my job if I know this
00:09:54kind of thing.
00:09:55I don't know.
00:09:57Just give me the strongest cigarettes you have, please.
00:10:06I love your, um, cardigan.
00:10:08Okay.
00:10:25What is that?
00:10:28Roland Brown.
00:10:30My name is Roland Brown.
00:10:32Roland Brown.
00:10:38Hi.
00:10:39I'm here for the job interview with Principal Newman.
00:10:41Mr. Brown?
00:10:42Yes.
00:10:43You're two hours early.
00:10:45I'll see if Mr. Newman can see you now.
00:10:47Just have a seat.
00:10:47Okay.
00:10:58Get in a fight?
00:10:59Fuck you.
00:11:00I think that wasn't called for.
00:11:02I said, fuck you, faggot.
00:11:04Fuck you.
00:11:06Fuck you.
00:11:07Oh, fuck you.
00:11:08No.
00:11:10Fuck you.
00:11:11Principal Newman can see you now, Mr. Brown.
00:11:13Hey, you just told me to fuck off.
00:11:15I did nothing of this sort.
00:11:16He's lying.
00:11:16You'll have to excuse Desmond.
00:11:17He's our resident discipline problem.
00:11:19I understand that.
00:11:21Just for the record, I said fuck you, not fuck off.
00:11:24Hey, you just did it again.
00:11:33You look so young for what you have down here.
00:11:35Well, that's the thing about being around teenagers all the time.
00:11:38I mean, it keeps you looking young.
00:11:39Don't you find that yourself?
00:11:41No.
00:11:42Well, maybe not you.
00:11:45Did you have any specific approach to youth counseling at your previous school?
00:11:48Yes, I did.
00:11:50What a youth counselor needs to do more of is praise.
00:11:54If we respect them, they will learn to respect themselves.
00:11:58Teenagers are complicated, but they're a lot like us.
00:12:02Well, they're certainly complicated.
00:12:04You can really help build their confidence, whether it's to solve their day-to-day problems
00:12:08or helping them plan their future.
00:12:12By solving the day-to-day problems, you can properly plan your future,
00:12:17if that makes any sense, which I think that it did.
00:12:22Ten years at your previous school, why did you leave?
00:12:24Oh.
00:12:25Well, I got a divorce.
00:12:27I moved away.
00:12:28I was married to a woman.
00:12:30I have her photograph.
00:12:30Would you like to see it?
00:12:31That won't be necessary.
00:12:33Okay.
00:12:35A regular counselor, Mr. Fisher, passed away a few days ago.
00:12:38I hate it when that happens.
00:12:39I'm sorry.
00:12:40And I'm going away on a very important conference for a few weeks,
00:12:43and I will not leave these children without a counselor.
00:12:45We're looking to make a decision in the next 24 hours.
00:12:48I'm assuming you can start immediately.
00:12:50Absolutely.
00:12:50I'm raring to go.
00:12:51I'm really anxious to help the youth of the future and today.
00:12:57It's a pleasure to meet you.
00:12:59You exude radiance, Mr. Newman.
00:13:05Hey.
00:13:08Oh, hi.
00:13:09Who are you?
00:13:10My name is Mr. Brown.
00:13:12I was just interviewed to be your new guidance counselor.
00:13:15The last one died.
00:13:17That's not gonna happen to me.
00:13:18I have a healthy body and mind.
00:13:21You do know it's illegal to be drinking alcohol on school property, right?
00:13:24Yeah, of course.
00:13:25I pay attention to the rules and my drink of choice is green tea.
00:13:30Okay.
00:13:32Mr. Brown, I can spot an alcoholic from a Malawi.
00:13:34Just like her mom.
00:13:36Okay.
00:13:37I don't know what you're talking about.
00:13:39And I don't know about your mother, but my body is a temple.
00:13:43I'm very choosy with what goes in it.
00:13:45It's a very spiritual place.
00:13:46You are insane.
00:13:48Misha.
00:13:48Stop.
00:13:48Oh.
00:13:49Well, thank you.
00:13:50Okay, girls.
00:13:51Um, I'll see you later.
00:13:53Hopefully.
00:13:54Okay.
00:13:55Bye.
00:13:57We're watching you, Mr. Brown.
00:13:59Terrifying, girls.
00:14:11God damn it, just call.
00:14:18I have no問題 at the hospital.
00:14:19Come on.
00:14:21There's nothing perhaps on your back, but you can find out very few banks.
00:14:23We make a dream of Angela rather than nothing.
00:14:24Those are all great things to do with your arse.
00:14:27Rowland Brown here.
00:14:31Rowland Brown speaking.
00:14:32Hi, Rowland.
00:14:33This is Brenda.
00:14:34Hi.
00:14:34From endorson High School.
00:14:38Of course.
00:14:40I know this is quite sudden.
00:14:42We're going to be back.
00:14:43Could we ask you to start tomorrow?
00:14:45Yeah, I can start immediately.
00:14:47Absolutely.
00:14:47Oh, that's wonderful. Oh, thank you, Roland.
00:14:50Okay.
00:14:51We'll see you bright and early tomorrow.
00:14:52Alright, thank you.
00:14:53I appreciate it. Okay, thanks.
00:14:55Okay, bye now.
00:14:55Bye-bye.
00:14:58Roland Brown, you just got a job.
00:15:18Hey!
00:15:18No, it's not...
00:15:20Watch it, eh?
00:15:20Watch out!
00:15:24Beg it.
00:15:26Fuck you.
00:15:32Okey-dokey, I set up your account so you can now access the system.
00:15:37Pretty much everything's on there.
00:15:38Great.
00:15:39You know, I'm the one in charge here until Principal Newman comes back.
00:15:45Would you like to meet your new colleagues?
00:15:47So, test.
00:15:49When was the French Revolution?
00:15:50Right.
00:15:50She said in the 1960s.
00:15:52Can we do something?
00:15:53Hello, everyone.
00:15:54Brenda, kinda in the middle of something, do you mind?
00:15:56I'd like to introduce you to our brand new guidance counselor.
00:15:59This is Mr. Roland Brown.
00:16:01Hi.
00:16:03Mr. Brown, you call me if you need anything, okay?
00:16:05I have my own extension.
00:16:06Okay.
00:16:06Okay, bye-bye.
00:16:07You know, now that Newman's on vacay, the power's gonna go right to her little head.
00:16:10She is so effing annoying.
00:16:13Effing?
00:16:14People are still using that as a replacement for fucking?
00:16:17What?
00:16:20Um, I was just effing joking, of course.
00:16:23Andrea, they call me Miss Sims.
00:16:26You wore a lot of crushed velvet in the 90s, didn't you?
00:16:30Excuse me?
00:16:31You just had that look.
00:16:32What does that mean?
00:16:32What are you talking about?
00:16:34Hi.
00:16:35Mr. Schlitz.
00:16:36Hey.
00:16:37Mrs. Schlitz.
00:16:38Oh my God, brother and sister.
00:16:40We're married.
00:16:43Gross.
00:16:44I'm Scott Howe, the gym teacher.
00:16:45You look like you're in great shape.
00:16:49You know, it was really great to meet all of you.
00:16:50Uh, I'm sure we're all gonna become really close friends, but I should probably go.
00:16:55Troubled teenagers await.
00:16:57Bye now.
00:17:04Every task is a step closer to my dream.
00:17:09I am in harmony with my surroundings.
00:17:12I prepare for my life.
00:17:17My life is important.
00:17:22I am a professional.
00:17:24Excellent guidance counselor.
00:17:26I really wanna help you.
00:17:28That is my passion.
00:17:29That is what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life.
00:17:31Roland Brown.
00:17:32Roland Brown.
00:17:34Roland Brown.
00:17:34Roland Brown.
00:17:37Hi.
00:17:38Can I help you?
00:17:39Um, I have an appointment with Mr. Fisher.
00:17:43Mr. Fisher is dead.
00:17:46Oh.
00:17:47Um.
00:17:49Can I talk to you?
00:17:52Yes.
00:17:52Yes.
00:17:53What's your problem?
00:17:54Um.
00:17:55It's a friend thing.
00:17:57Mmm.
00:17:58A problem with a friend.
00:18:00I mean, I have no friends.
00:18:03And why do you think that is?
00:18:05Um.
00:18:07Mr. Fisher said that I should join extracurricular activities like prom committee or cheerleading.
00:18:13But I don't wanna join any extracurricular activities.
00:18:17They're all mean there.
00:18:19I just wanna know how to, you know, be myself when I'm not alone.
00:18:24Like, interact with other people.
00:18:27I'm shy.
00:18:30Um.
00:18:31What's your name?
00:18:33Rhonda.
00:18:34Rhonda.
00:18:35Well, um, Rhonda, maybe, uh, listen to Mr. Fisher.
00:18:39The dead man.
00:18:40Why don't you join prom committee?
00:18:43Aren't you supposed to help me?
00:18:45I'm your guidance counselor, so, yes.
00:18:48You sure?
00:18:52I'm gonna go to class now.
00:18:54Okay.
00:18:57Um.
00:19:03Shit.
00:19:08Attention, students.
00:19:09We have a new interim guidance counselor with us.
00:19:11His name is Roland Brown.
00:19:13And if you have any problems, go see him in room 205.
00:19:19Okay.
00:19:19Here.
00:19:20What's that?
00:19:26You got the job.
00:19:28Yes, girls.
00:19:28I'm your new guidance counselor.
00:19:30My name is Roland Brown.
00:19:34I'm not sure if you've noticed, but this is a bully-free zone.
00:19:37Bully-free zone.
00:19:38Bully-free zone.
00:19:39I mean, great pie.
00:19:41Now, uh, what happened to your face?
00:19:43They don't make bandages for black people.
00:19:46It's like they want us to cover up our cuts with your pink skin.
00:19:49Um, you can bully people anywhere else in the school,
00:19:52but just not in the parameters of this office, okay?
00:19:55Why are you so nervous?
00:19:56Don't you two have a class to go to or something?
00:19:59We don't go to class.
00:20:01Do we, Gabrielle?
00:20:02No, school sucks.
00:20:03Well, if it's a waste of your time, why don't you just drop out?
00:20:07Sorry?
00:20:08Drop out of school.
00:20:09Aren't you supposed to tell us to stay in school?
00:20:11I forgot.
00:20:12Um, stay in school, girls.
00:20:14Do you even know what you're doing?
00:20:16I know what I'm doing.
00:20:17I'm going to be helping youth at this school.
00:20:19I think you need some help yourself.
00:20:21Come on, Jab, let's go.
00:20:22Your glasses are crooked.
00:20:25Freak.
00:20:41Oh, Mr. Brown.
00:20:42Hi.
00:20:43Did they kill you yet?
00:20:46Who?
00:20:46The kids.
00:20:48Was that how the last guidance counselor died?
00:20:52No, that's just an expression.
00:20:57You didn't bring a lunch?
00:20:59No, I forgot.
00:21:00So, what's your story?
00:21:02What do you mean?
00:21:02Your deal. What's your deal?
00:21:04I don't have a deal.
00:21:05Mr. Howell doesn't seem to think you're very heterosexual, Sam.
00:21:10Well, I'm sorry to disappoint.
00:21:12You're not on a low-carb diet, are you?
00:21:14Yeah!
00:21:31Hi.
00:21:31What are you doing in the boys' washroom?
00:21:33This is the girls' washroom.
00:21:35Oops.
00:21:36What are you doing in the girls' washroom?
00:21:39Oh, I was just eating a bag of chips.
00:21:43Anyway, I'm going to go to my office.
00:21:46Hi.
00:21:46I was just leaving.
00:21:47Sorry about that.
00:21:48Bye.
00:21:53Okay, could you tell me, do you plan on getting married someday?
00:21:57Yeah, well, yeah, I guess if we don't move or anything like that.
00:22:01Wait, would you like a private marriage, Patrick?
00:22:06No.
00:22:06You'd like one with a lot of people?
00:22:08Describe how your dream wedding would be.
00:22:11Okay, I want, like, everybody I know there.
00:22:14Everybody.
00:22:15You're friends, like, your relatives, my relatives, and...
00:22:18Jesus Christ, you scared me.
00:22:20David, where's my check?
00:22:22I actually just got a job.
00:22:23I can give you my rent after I get my first paycheck, okay?
00:22:26When's that going to be?
00:22:27In a couple of weeks.
00:22:28Fourteen days.
00:22:29One day late, I'm going to throw your shit out myself.
00:22:32Do you think we could make it fifteen days, just in case?
00:22:36Thirteen days.
00:22:37Okay, you're really mean.
00:22:38Do you know that?
00:22:51Rhonda.
00:22:53Mr. Brown, please call me Scott.
00:22:56Scott.
00:22:56I'm not just a gym teacher.
00:22:58I have many interests.
00:22:59I also write.
00:23:00And by writing, of course, I mean sitting behind my desk and masturbating to Internet porn.
00:23:05Do you write at all?
00:23:07Sometimes.
00:23:08Well, perhaps we can write together sometime.
00:23:10I have to go.
00:23:11Excuse me.
00:23:14Get off the road!
00:23:15Honey, it's fine.
00:23:16Jesus Christ.
00:23:18Please leave me alone.
00:23:19I know what your problem is.
00:23:20I think I can help you fix it.
00:23:22I used to be just like you.
00:23:23You used to be a youth counselor?
00:23:25What are you talking about?
00:23:25A wheel won't roll without a bit of grease.
00:23:28There's nothing wrong with my bike.
00:23:30I'm not talking about your bike.
00:23:31You know what I mean?
00:23:32No, I have no idea what you're talking about.
00:23:34Well, you should.
00:23:35Life gets a lot better when you grease your own wheels.
00:23:39I don't want to learn anymore like I did.
00:23:41They all want to get up and act, and I just need to equate them with the basics, like breathing
00:23:46into their anuses.
00:23:47Did you hear about Brent Warwick?
00:23:49Oh, looks like we have another student ex-Belle.
00:23:51What happened?
00:23:52He was caught selling marijuana on school property.
00:23:56Duh-uh.
00:23:57Yeah, it's bound to happen sooner or later.
00:23:59Seems like the population of problem students is always expanding.
00:24:03These things perpetuate themselves.
00:24:05Drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, teen pregnancy.
00:24:10Yeah, and then we the taxpayers end up spending the rest of our lives paying for their adolescent mistakes.
00:24:15Some of these kids are just hopeless.
00:24:17Yeah.
00:24:18You remember when teenagers used to be normal?
00:24:21Look, I got to go to class.
00:24:22Oh, when a class is bad for your self-esteem.
00:24:24I'm not stupid.
00:24:26You can't even spell, Jack.
00:24:27You're dyslexic.
00:24:29Just skip English class and spell with me.
00:24:32Take one.
00:24:33Peer pressure's back in style.
00:24:39Look.
00:24:40There's our insane youth guidance counselor.
00:24:42Hey, but what's he doing?
00:24:44I hate the school.
00:24:46Fuck!
00:24:46It's not that bad.
00:24:47I'm so cursed.
00:24:49Do you have a crush on him or something?
00:24:50No.
00:24:56Some rules are meant to be broken.
00:25:00I stand against injustice.
00:25:03I can take charge and change the world.
00:25:11Hey, Brenda.
00:25:12Yeah, I'm well.
00:25:13I'm wondering if you can call in Rhonda.
00:25:14She's kind of plain.
00:25:16Oh, you mean Rhonda Langdon?
00:25:17Yes, she is quite plain, isn't she?
00:25:19I would be happy to do that, Mr. Brown.
00:25:21Absolutely.
00:25:25Would Rhonda Langdon kindly report to the guidance office?
00:25:29Rhonda Langdon, please report to the guidance office.
00:25:36Hello, Rhonda.
00:25:38Hello.
00:25:40So, if this is about me not joining prom committee.
00:25:43Prom committee is for idiots.
00:25:45Sit down.
00:25:46I'm going to show you something.
00:25:50That's me.
00:25:51I didn't have any friends, so I made one out of my mom's pantyhose.
00:25:56And then I brought it to school.
00:25:58I've never been that far gone before.
00:26:00I don't suggest making a friend out of your mom's pantyhose, because you'll be labeled a freak.
00:26:05I'll make a note of it.
00:26:07Yeah.
00:26:11As a guidance counselor, I should encourage kids to be themselves, right?
00:26:15I guess so.
00:26:16Yeah.
00:26:17And I'd be a hypocrite if I weren't myself while giving advice, right?
00:26:23Yeah, I guess.
00:26:24Yeah.
00:26:25I'm not your typical guidance counselor.
00:26:27I'm actually going to help you.
00:26:31You're not really into prom committee, are you?
00:26:33I mean, you look like you're wearing the equivalent of a burlap sack.
00:26:38Can you help me with my shyness?
00:26:41It's with boys, right?
00:26:42I want a boyfriend, but I don't know how to, you know.
00:26:48What kind of boys do you like?
00:26:51I'm attracted to dumb people.
00:26:54I may have inherited it from my mom.
00:26:56Or my dad, you know.
00:26:57It's hard to know who.
00:26:58They're both idiots.
00:26:59I have the exact same problem you have.
00:27:02You like dumb guys?
00:27:03No.
00:27:03Straight is an arrow here.
00:27:05Oh, actually, I took archery at camp, and arrows aren't straight.
00:27:08They're pretty flexible, and they bend a lot when they're in flight.
00:27:11Okay, I'm saying I'm shy.
00:27:13Oh.
00:27:15But you know what helps it?
00:27:16What?
00:27:19Self-medication.
00:27:22Let's do a shot.
00:27:24Okay.
00:27:26You're going to like this.
00:27:35Starting something new is totally amazing and worthwhile.
00:27:39Again.
00:27:46All right.
00:27:47For your next class, flirt with the dumbest boy.
00:27:51Okay.
00:27:53Bye, Rhonda.
00:27:57That is how you do it.
00:28:11Rhonda.
00:28:14He looks really dumb.
00:28:17Yeah.
00:28:22Hi.
00:28:23Hi.
00:28:26Could you help me need this?
00:28:28It's kind of hard.
00:28:31Huh.
00:28:32Yeah, one's kind of hard, too.
00:28:34Uh, I'll see what I can do.
00:28:37Thanks.
00:28:40Maybe we should make it a bit wet.
00:28:43You're okay.
00:28:50I think it's working.
00:28:51Yeah.
00:28:54Feels good.
00:29:03Mr. Brown!
00:29:04Mr. Brown, thank you.
00:29:05I want to have a date.
00:29:06His name is John.
00:29:08He likes to play euchre.
00:29:09He wants to work in politics.
00:29:10He's so nice and so dumb.
00:29:12Oh, Rhonda.
00:29:14Dumb politicians.
00:29:15We don't need any more of those.
00:29:16You just send them to me, and I'll talk them out of that career choice.
00:29:21Have a good day.
00:29:33Every day is a new beginning.
00:29:38My life is full of purpose and motivation.
00:29:44Today, I put my full thrust in my inner guidance.
00:29:49I am so motivated that others get motivated just by being around me.
00:29:56Everything I put my heart and mind into, I can accomplish.
00:30:01I am well loved.
00:30:03People respect me.
00:30:15I create my own reality.
00:30:23Hey.
00:30:24You again.
00:30:25Yep.
00:30:26How's life as a guidance counselor?
00:30:28You know, it's really amazing.
00:30:30You really have to operate on their level to get them to open up to you.
00:30:35The strongest smokes I have?
00:30:37Yes, please.
00:30:39And you know what?
00:30:40While we're at it, why don't we get some of these cupcakes?
00:30:42You know?
00:30:43I'm off my diet.
00:30:44I don't really care about anything anymore.
00:30:48I need to give you money, don't I?
00:30:50Sorry.
00:30:51I'm forgetful of these days.
00:30:52Okay?
00:30:54Okay, you have a really good day.
00:31:03Great job, Roland Brown.
00:31:05Your nails are so beautiful.
00:31:07Shut the door, Jabriol.
00:31:09Hi, girls.
00:31:10How are you?
00:31:11What happened to your glasses?
00:31:12Oh, I switched to contact lenses.
00:31:17I have something for you.
00:31:20What's this?
00:31:21It's just a gift.
00:31:22Okay, can we be honest with you?
00:31:23I'll be honest.
00:31:24I don't like honesty.
00:31:25Why?
00:31:26Because everybody lies.
00:31:27You need some serious help.
00:31:29What'd you do with Rhonda?
00:31:30Jabriol, let me talk.
00:31:32Rhonda Langdon, the shyest girl in school, asked out John McDonald.
00:31:37Yes, good for her.
00:31:38Now she's getting banged left, right, and center, and apparently it's all because of you.
00:31:42No, I don't think so.
00:31:43Rumor is that you got her drunk.
00:31:45Okay, that was self-medication on her part.
00:31:47I had nothing to do with it.
00:31:49Grab a chair, Jabriol.
00:31:50Did you see a fruit fly in here?
00:31:52Grab a chair.
00:31:54I think it followed me from my apartment.
00:31:56That's kind of embarrassing.
00:31:57Have you ever had that?
00:31:58When fruit flies follow you from place to place?
00:32:01Who's that?
00:32:03That's my wife.
00:32:04Or ex-wife.
00:32:05This isn't your wife.
00:32:06This is a freaking cutout from a magazine.
00:32:08Okay, guys.
00:32:09Okay, fuck it.
00:32:10Let's just do this, okay?
00:32:13This is a bully-free zone, but we clearly are breaking a rule right now because you guys are bullies
00:32:17and you're bullying me, one for you, one for you.
00:32:22Oh, we should cheers.
00:32:24To bully-free zones.
00:32:28Oh, my God.
00:32:28Oh, hi, girls.
00:32:30What you doing?
00:32:31Oh, we're just having a group session here.
00:32:33That sounds fun.
00:32:34Yeah.
00:32:34After lunch, I'm going to be sending Brent Morgan to speak with you.
00:32:37He's an angry young fellow, and I can't handle him anymore, so I'm going to send him in to you
00:32:44to do your magic.
00:32:44Okay, great.
00:32:47Really?
00:32:48Group session?
00:32:49It sounds so perverted.
00:32:51Okay, girls.
00:32:51Let's not be inappropriate.
00:32:53Now finish your drinks before we get cut.
00:33:01No, stop.
00:33:03What's going on with you?
00:33:14Just remind you, Mr. Law Prince, the rule still applies.
00:33:19Spoking must be done off school property.
00:33:37This school can fuck itself with a rusty fucking pole.
00:33:43You must be Brent.
00:33:45It's a pleasure to meet you.
00:33:46Call me Ghost.
00:33:47Have a seat, Ghost.
00:33:50They fucking expelled me.
00:33:52What do they fucking expel you for?
00:33:54I dealt some pot on school property.
00:33:56And they're expelling you for that?
00:33:58Yeah.
00:33:59Hey, now what the fuck am I going to do?
00:34:00What are my parents going to say?
00:34:02They're going to kick me out.
00:34:03I tried to tell them that, but no one fucking listens to me.
00:34:07Okay, if I've learned anything from the teaching staff, they're not very good fucking listeners.
00:34:11Have a seat.
00:34:19How much were you selling the pot for?
00:34:21I just sold one gram for 12 bucks.
00:34:24You could charge way more for that, you know.
00:34:27You know, aren't you supposed to talk to me straight?
00:34:30Hmm.
00:34:32I have no money.
00:34:36But I have this bottle of vodka.
00:34:38With taxes, it's about $16.
00:34:40So, why don't we trade one gram of your cheap pot for this?
00:34:48Are you serious?
00:34:49Dead serious.
00:34:51Sick.
00:34:53All right.
00:34:56Amazing.
00:34:57You know what?
00:34:58The world is afraid of teenagers who know how to make money.
00:35:01They're afraid of you, guys.
00:35:02Yeah.
00:35:03Everyone's afraid of ghosts.
00:35:04But I ain't afraid of no ghosts.
00:35:08How are your grades?
00:35:10They're mostly ignominious.
00:35:12I don't know what that means.
00:35:14It just means I should be ashamed of them.
00:35:17I think I can change your grades to match your intelligence.
00:35:24I don't think I've been this high since the 90s.
00:35:28Here you are.
00:35:30Oh, God.
00:35:32You've got terrible marks.
00:35:34School doesn't challenge my intelligence, so why should I go?
00:35:40Well, do you think you might want to switch schools to a more challenging one?
00:35:44What do you mean?
00:35:46Well, isn't there that smarty-pants school down on Glen Road?
00:35:49Yeah, Glen Bard.
00:35:52Glen Bard?
00:35:52That's an advanced school, yeah.
00:35:54There we are.
00:35:55We're going to call Glen Bard.
00:35:56Go, go, go, go, go, go.
00:36:00I'm done with the tip of a pencil.
00:36:03I've always wanted to do that.
00:36:07Yes, this is Roland Brown calling.
00:36:11I'm the vice...
00:36:12Oh, no.
00:36:12I'm not the vice pencil.
00:36:14I'm the guidance counselor at Gruson High, and I'm calling about a transfer.
00:36:18And he needs to switch schools to a more challenging academic situation as soon as possible.
00:36:26Um...
00:36:27Yes, he lives in the district.
00:36:30Mm-hmm.
00:36:329 a.m.
00:36:33Tomorrow?
00:36:34Yeah, he can do that.
00:36:36You have a really awesome day.
00:36:37Okay, thanks.
00:36:38Bye.
00:36:40Okay, if you want an education, you show up there tomorrow and impress them.
00:36:46Dude, you know, you're the first person who's ever listened to me at this school.
00:36:51How'd you get to be so sick?
00:36:53Let's just say I exist in the space between caring too much and not giving a fuck.
00:37:12I am wonderful.
00:37:14I am great.
00:37:15I am perfect.
00:37:17Just the way I am.
00:37:19Have you ever thought that, like, the apocalypse has already happened?
00:37:22And we just exist in the mistakes that the past left behind?
00:37:26Totally.
00:37:27Don't be one of those people who was goth in high school and they went normal and started
00:37:30doing yoga and drinking coconut water.
00:37:33They're the worst.
00:37:34People get all worked up because I'm not happy all the time, but it's like happy and sad are
00:37:38the exact same thing.
00:37:39It's just filler until you get back to neutral.
00:37:42I feel like we're Siamese twins.
00:37:45You don't need to lose 30 pounds, Megan.
00:37:46You're perfect.
00:37:47No, I do.
00:37:49I'm overweight.
00:37:50Who the hell says that?
00:37:51My doctor.
00:37:51Okay, doctors are assholes.
00:37:53They make tons of money off of delivering bad news.
00:37:56The world doesn't need another teen girl on a diet.
00:37:59The world needs more rebels.
00:38:01I think this world is really shitty.
00:38:03And if you fit into it, that makes you shitty too.
00:38:07You're seriously the most amazing person I've ever met in my entire life.
00:38:12I've only been here a week.
00:38:13I don't mind him.
00:38:14He seems intriguing.
00:38:16You mean you want to fuck him?
00:38:18I regret.
00:38:18I'm being considered for valedictorian.
00:38:21The issue isn't my grades.
00:38:22Apparently, it's my clothes.
00:38:23They say I'm promiscuous.
00:38:25They never call boys promiscuous.
00:38:28The world doesn't like it when girls enjoy sex.
00:38:30What if I like having sex?
00:38:31Am I just supposed to pretend like I don't?
00:38:32No, quite the opposite.
00:38:34I think if you want to be a slut, be a damn slut.
00:38:38He's the strangest man I have ever met.
00:38:40There's got to be something wrong with him.
00:38:42Students like him.
00:38:43Oh, there's definitely something wrong with him.
00:38:47He's more in common with the students than he does with us.
00:38:52I want you to be an inspiration for all the other sluts out there.
00:38:56And you can let them know that they can be smart, intelligent sluts just like you.
00:39:26Do I look like Gozer from Ghostbusters to you?
00:39:29Oh my god, I couldn't place it.
00:39:31Okay, maybe make me more goth than Zool.
00:39:35Yeah, I can do that.
00:39:36You know, I feel like I'm finally coming into my own.
00:39:39Right?
00:39:40But I don't mean Otto Felicio by that.
00:39:43Let's cheers.
00:39:46Mmm.
00:39:47Mmm, really good.
00:39:48So good.
00:39:49Mmm.
00:39:49You are so fucking cool.
00:39:52You are fucking cool, too.
00:39:54Who wears two-toed hair?
00:39:57What does he even do in his office all day?
00:39:59Have you ever noticed how small and beady his eyes are?
00:40:02That's a sign of very low intelligence.
00:40:05Oh, yeah.
00:40:05He dresses like a ventriloquist dummy.
00:40:08Why is it with a corduroy suit?
00:40:10That's exactly right.
00:40:10I wonder what his home life is like.
00:40:38I don't feel pain.
00:40:42Hey.
00:40:42Hey.
00:40:43I just wanted to say thanks for the bandage.
00:40:45I'm actually working on another batch, but obviously I hope you don't need to use them.
00:40:49Oh, okay.
00:40:49Well, I just wanted to say a quick thing.
00:40:51No, come in, come in, come in, come in.
00:40:52Please talk to me.
00:40:59Why do you drink so much?
00:41:00I just think the world is better off with people who like themselves in it.
00:41:04And I just happen to like myself a hell of a lot better when I'm drinking.
00:41:08If you ask me, I don't call it drinking.
00:41:11I call it making the world a better place.
00:41:16I don't mean this as insulting, but you don't fit in here, do you?
00:41:22I'm an embarrassment.
00:41:32Do you have any idea what it's like to go for auditions and everyone's confused because
00:41:38you're reading the boy part?
00:41:39So if you don't fit in here, take that as a compliment.
00:41:44Dyslexia is not a big deal.
00:41:46It's actually a gift.
00:41:47You know, a lot of successful people have it, like Tom Cruise, Whoopi Goldberg, and
00:41:53Tracy Gold, and she was also anorexic.
00:41:57You're really strange and confusing.
00:42:01Okay, I know this might sound funny, but when I look at you, it's like I'm looking in the
00:42:05mirror.
00:42:07Really?
00:42:08Yeah, except obviously I'm not, um, you know, dyslexic.
00:42:16Stay cool.
00:42:18Stay cool, Mr. Brown.
00:42:21The greatest thing to ever happen to dyslexia is this little thing called spellcheck.
00:42:26You gotta use that.
00:42:28I don't have a computer, but...
00:42:30Oh, take one.
00:42:31I don't need a...
00:42:32No, it's a gift.
00:42:33You're crazy.
00:42:34I know I'm crazy.
00:42:35It doesn't matter.
00:42:35Take the computer.
00:42:36I'm gonna go to class.
00:42:37No, no, no, no.
00:42:38You sure you don't want it?
00:42:39You sure?
00:42:39Okay, it's got spellcheck on it.
00:42:41Okay, you can borrow it anytime.
00:42:59Oh, hi.
00:43:00Um, I'm wondering if I could speak with a Denise Crane, the mother of Jabri-El Crane?
00:43:07Yeah, I can hold.
00:43:09Hello?
00:43:11Uh, hi.
00:43:11Uh, this is Mr. Brown calling.
00:43:13I'm the guidance counselor at, uh, Grison High, and I'm calling about your daughter Jabri-El.
00:43:18Shit.
00:43:19What has she done this time?
00:43:20Don't worry.
00:43:21She'll get the appropriate punishment.
00:43:22Uh, okay.
00:43:23Um, she has some sort of bruise or a cut on her face.
00:43:27I'm wondering if you could let me know how she got that?
00:43:30Listen, you mind your own business.
00:43:32Okay, you don't understand.
00:43:33She's done nothing wrong.
00:43:34Well, that's a surprise.
00:43:36Okay, why do you say that?
00:43:37She's an embarrassment.
00:43:39Okay, an embarrassment?
00:43:41Like you're on the phone charm as the part of the family?
00:43:45Bitch.
00:43:53Uh, hi.
00:43:55Is this, um, Cassandra Crane?
00:43:58Yes.
00:43:58Uh, I have you down as a secondary contact for Jabri-El.
00:44:01I'm the guidance counselor at her high school.
00:44:04Oh, is she okay?
00:44:06I'm not sure.
00:44:08Tell her Auntie Cass, Mrs. Stern, she can come visit me in Winnipeg anytime.
00:44:12Can you let me know if things are okay at her home?
00:44:15She needs to get out of that house.
00:44:16Can I ask why?
00:44:18There are problems there.
00:44:19I can't really talk about it on the phone.
00:44:21Is she okay?
00:44:22You know, us embarrassments, we gotta look out for one another.
00:44:25I'll be in touch if there's an issue.
00:44:27But don't worry.
00:44:28She's in good hands.
00:44:29Okay.
00:44:29Bye.
00:44:31Hello, Mr. Brown.
00:44:33May I sit?
00:44:34Um, actually, I'm only licensed to help teenagers, so I apologize.
00:44:38Oh.
00:44:38You're gonna have to go.
00:44:40I'm not here for your help.
00:44:43And I think you know that.
00:44:46I also don't need my wheels greased, whatever that means.
00:44:50Why are you here?
00:44:51I was wondering if you'd like to meet me for dinner tonight.
00:44:54Just a little chat.
00:44:58Would you be buying?
00:45:00Yeah, yeah, of course.
00:45:01Um, would it include drinks?
00:45:05Well, I don't drink, but yeah, of course.
00:45:08Okay.
00:45:11Okay.
00:45:12Um, I'm saying yes, but it's only because I'm hungry.
00:45:17Well, I'm very aware of how hungry you are.
00:45:30There's a reason why I asked you out for dinner.
00:45:34I'm sorry I asked me out?
00:45:36No, no, no, no, no.
00:45:37This isn't a date.
00:45:38I know what you are.
00:45:40You must know it, too.
00:45:42Do you mind if we get two more of these as soon as possible?
00:45:47You're a very sexy man.
00:45:49You could be taking advantage of it.
00:45:51You know, if you don't mind, I prefer special.
00:45:53You could be yourself, you know.
00:45:56You have a lot of fun being yourself.
00:46:01Actually, he doesn't drink.
00:46:09I know I come on strong, but don't let that intimidate you.
00:46:12You don't intimidate me at all.
00:46:14You're a gym teacher.
00:46:15I think I can help you become more comfortable with yourself.
00:46:20I'm so sorry, but it's been driving me nuts all night.
00:46:24You played Peter on Wacky Street, didn't you?
00:46:26I think you had me mixed up with somebody, so...
00:46:29Wacky Street?
00:46:30It was my favorite show as a kid.
00:46:32You're my favorite character.
00:46:33I've never heard of it.
00:46:34I'm sorry.
00:46:35We're good.
00:46:36But that's crazy, because you look, like, exactly like the grown version of this child actor.
00:46:40No, sorry.
00:46:41Not me.
00:46:43You don't mind.
00:46:44Yeah, I'm so sorry.
00:46:45Enjoy your date.
00:46:53So, uh, you ever want to talk or anything?
00:46:59I don't want to talk.
00:47:01Why don't you either?
00:47:03No, no, no, no.
00:47:07Can you unlock the door, please, if you don't mind?
00:47:10Okay.
00:47:19David, where are you?
00:47:21Are you peeing sitting down?
00:47:24Miss Kane, would you mind?
00:47:25I'm going to the bathroom.
00:47:26Oh, listen, princess.
00:47:27I don't give a crap.
00:47:29It's been 13 days.
00:47:30If I don't see a check in my mailbox by noon tomorrow, I'm throwing your shit out on the lawn.
00:47:48I practice forgiveness.
00:47:58I choose to harmonize with positive energy in the universe.
00:48:08I preserve my happiness with my thoughts and beliefs.
00:48:21I respect my body.
00:48:26I eliminate all of the failures in my life.
00:48:41Oh, my God.
00:48:56Oh, my God.
00:49:21Oh, my God.
00:49:24Get off the road.
00:49:26Get off the road.
00:49:34Thank you for dinner last night, but I'm actually quite busy right now.
00:49:38Hello, David.
00:49:40Who's David?
00:49:41Oh, I know who you are.
00:49:44I'm Roland Brown.
00:49:45No, you're a sad, sad man, and you need to get some help.
00:49:50My agent set this up.
00:49:51This is just preparation for a role.
00:49:54I'm just doing some research.
00:49:55Wow.
00:49:56I expected you to be a better actor.
00:49:59Okay.
00:49:59I'm not acting.
00:50:00I should call the police, but I'll be honest.
00:50:03I don't like cops.
00:50:05Could you please leave my office?
00:50:07I'm going to let you come clean on your own.
00:50:09And when Principal Newman comes back, you need to tell him.
00:50:14Okay.
00:50:15Get out of my office.
00:50:19You could be yourself, you know.
00:50:40I'm going to let you go.
00:50:44What?
00:51:02Hello?
00:51:03Hi, this is Ginny Gold calling you back.
00:51:05You said you had some information about my brother.
00:51:08Yeah, I do.
00:51:39Mr. Brown?
00:51:44Mr. Brown?
00:51:46Mr. Brown?
00:51:47Oh my goodness, are you okay?
00:51:49Hi.
00:51:50No one is coming back this afternoon, a day early.
00:51:52I just wanted to give you some ring.
00:51:54Oh God, I've got to get my check.
00:52:04I don't want that.
00:52:06Are you all right?
00:52:08You know the gym teacher, the gay one?
00:52:11He's the worst.
00:52:12I wouldn't know.
00:52:13The teaching staff ignore me.
00:52:15All adults are assholes, Brenda.
00:52:17Especially teachers, agents, and landlords.
00:52:20Mr. Brown, are you sure you're okay?
00:52:22Yeah, I've never been better.
00:52:23I'm good.
00:52:24Hey baby, where are you going?
00:52:26Talk to me for a second.
00:52:27You know it like a nice ghetto booty.
00:52:29What the fuck?
00:52:29Hold on a second.
00:52:30Jab, do you need my help?
00:52:32Fuck off, baby.
00:52:33Fuck off.
00:52:34Oh my God.
00:52:37Oh my goodness.
00:52:39Stop.
00:52:40Stop.
00:52:40Mr. Brown, you're superior to know better.
00:52:42He started this.
00:52:43Oh my goodness.
00:52:44You cannot be fighting with the students.
00:52:46That's not what I am.
00:52:47Desmond.
00:52:48Desmond, stop it.
00:52:49Don't get on me.
00:52:51Roll away.
00:52:52Oh my gosh.
00:52:54I don't want to say, Desmond, you're a fucking bully.
00:52:57Get that camera away.
00:52:59You piece of shit, you're a pinball.
00:53:01Oh my gosh.
00:53:01Control yourself.
00:53:03Roll it.
00:53:04Wait.
00:53:07I didn't do anything.
00:53:08Get out of the place.
00:53:13What are you doing here?
00:53:14You're cut off.
00:53:15What are you doing, David?
00:53:16Who are you?
00:53:17And why are you calling him David?
00:53:19He's my brother and he's got some problems.
00:53:23I don't have any problems.
00:53:25They like me.
00:53:26You guys like me, right?
00:53:29I made you a happy slut.
00:53:32Don't walk away.
00:53:36Rhonda, you wanted a boyfriend.
00:53:38You said you like dumb guys and now you're dating one.
00:53:41You think I'm dumb?
00:53:43No.
00:53:44You're the smartest guy I ever met.
00:53:45Let's go.
00:53:46She's lying.
00:53:49You guys don't like me anymore just because my name's David?
00:53:55What the hell happened while I was gone?
00:53:58Hi, Newman.
00:53:59Um, how was your vacation?
00:54:05The police have been called.
00:54:06Okay, could I get my check?
00:54:08Are you kidding?
00:54:09I've been here working for two weeks.
00:54:11This was not a volunteer position.
00:54:13I worked very hard.
00:54:14There's a check made out to Roland Brown.
00:54:17How are you planning to cash it, huh?
00:54:18Did you even think that through?
00:54:21Well, no.
00:54:22Shut the front door, David Gold.
00:54:23Okay, do you think we could maybe stop shutting the front door and get back to shutting the fuck up?
00:54:28Who are you anyway?
00:54:29Come on, hold it down.
00:54:30What happened to you?
00:54:32We trusted you.
00:54:33We gave you a chance.
00:54:35We did.
00:54:36Really?
00:54:37Newman?
00:54:37Oh, my God.
00:54:41Identity theft.
00:54:43To go back to high school.
00:54:45There's nothing more repulsive to a teenager than taking life advice from someone who went to school to help teenagers.
00:54:50They're all out of touch.
00:54:52Kind of like you.
00:54:54Being in touch with teenagers is not something to be proud of as an adult.
00:54:58You bought them alcohol.
00:55:00You served it in the school.
00:55:02You sold them weed.
00:55:04No, no, no, no, no.
00:55:05I did not sell them weed.
00:55:06That was a fair trade.
00:55:08Listen.
00:55:10Everybody knows that teenagers are going to drink and smoke drugs.
00:55:13If you do it with them, everybody has fun.
00:55:16Oh.
00:55:20You are a very troubled man.
00:55:24They're going to arrest you.
00:55:28No, they won't.
00:55:30Hey.
00:55:34Brenda!
00:55:44All I feel is the warm optimism surrounding me.
00:55:54Things are looking up.
00:56:07Things are looking up.
00:56:14Stuff.
00:56:22Jesus.
00:56:24Jesus.
00:56:38I want your shit off my property by sundown.
00:56:41You're really mean, you know that?
00:56:44Yes.
00:56:48Fuck.
00:56:51Shit.
00:57:20I don't care.
00:57:22You can't pay rent.
00:57:24I hate you.
00:57:25I'm leaving.
00:57:26I swear to God, you leave here and don't come back.
00:57:29I'm telling you right now.
00:57:30No, no, no.
00:57:34No, no, no.
00:57:35No, no, no.
00:57:37No, no, no, no.
00:57:45I don't care.
00:57:46I don't know.
00:57:48I don't care.
00:57:48No, no, no.
00:57:54No, no, no.
00:57:54I don't care.
00:58:04No, no, no.
00:58:32Hey, Mr. Brown.
00:58:37Did you follow me?
00:58:39It's cold.
00:58:40Come under the blanket.
00:58:48Thanks.
00:58:52I ran away from home.
00:58:55It was your mom, wasn't it?
00:58:56That's why you're wearing the bandage.
00:59:01Hey, thanks for having my back today.
00:59:03No problem.
00:59:06Desmond kicked my ass.
00:59:10Are you okay?
00:59:12I'm not gay, by the way.
00:59:14I don't even like penises.
00:59:16Every time I look at mine, I think of a baby turtle wearing a beige turtleneck.
00:59:21I just want to cut it off.
00:59:23The world would be a better place if penises weren't in it.
00:59:25Just think about it.
00:59:30Well, Mr. Brown, if we didn't have penises, then there wouldn't be any babies.
00:59:36Exactly.
00:59:37World peace.
00:59:41When's the last time you used it?
00:59:43I just peed on that tree over there about ten minutes ago.
00:59:45No, I mean, like, really used it.
00:59:48My aunt, she won a juicer in a raffle once, and she hated it because it took up too much
00:59:54space in her kitchen.
00:59:55Then she used it.
00:59:57Now all she drinks is carrot juice.
01:00:01Maybe you just need to start loving your penis, Mr. Brown.
01:00:05When I was a kid and I had a bad day, a slushie always made me feel better.
01:00:11I miss the days when I could fix everything with a slushie.
01:00:17We need slushies.
01:00:31Mr. Brown.
01:00:33Mr. Brown.
01:00:35Um, how much money do you have?
01:00:37I don't have any money.
01:00:39I'm homeless.
01:00:41God.
01:00:43What are we gonna do?
01:00:44I don't know, but I'll do it with you.
01:00:46No, no, no.
01:00:47You can't come into my world.
01:00:49It's a strange and confusing place.
01:00:50You don't want to be a part of it.
01:00:51Look, I don't have anywhere else to go, and you're the only one that listens to me.
01:00:54Really?
01:00:55Yeah.
01:00:57You know, come to think of it, you're the only one who listens to me, too.
01:01:00Then we should stick together.
01:01:02It's pretty typical that the only one who gets me is a dyslexic teenager.
01:01:05I mean that in a spiritual way.
01:01:07Okay, look, we need to get money.
01:01:08Maybe we should, like, rob a bank or something.
01:01:11We can't rob a bank.
01:01:12You'll never graduate high school.
01:01:15Well, we need the money.
01:01:17If we're gonna steal, I want to rob something that's bad for the world.
01:01:20Like what?
01:01:22I don't know.
01:01:24We need a car.
01:01:26I think I know the perfect car we could steal.
01:01:36What are you doing?
01:01:37Oh, God.
01:01:38Hey, Desmond.
01:01:39What the hell are you doing?
01:01:41You just want to cause trouble, don't you?
01:01:43And that's what makes you happy?
01:01:44And I wouldn't be doing my job as your guidance counselor if I didn't, like, attempt to make
01:01:48you happy, right?
01:01:50What are you getting at?
01:01:52Do you know how to hotwire a car?
01:01:55There we go.
01:01:57You're really good at this, Desmond.
01:01:59I actually need to use that.
01:02:00Sure.
01:02:00Thanks.
01:02:03Apologize to Jab.
01:02:06For what?
01:02:07What do you have to say to this guy?
01:02:09You're an asshole, Desmond.
01:02:11Mm-hmm.
01:02:11So?
01:02:12Ow!
01:02:13I'm sorry.
01:02:14Okay.
01:02:16Perfect.
01:02:19Fine.
01:02:23So why are you guys stealing a car?
01:02:26It's none of your business.
01:02:30Hey!
01:02:30Hey!
01:02:31Hey!
01:02:32No!
01:02:33No!
01:02:35No!
01:02:36No!
01:02:37No!
01:02:39No!
01:02:39No!
01:02:39No!
01:02:40No!
01:02:43You know what?
01:02:44Mr. and Mrs. Schlittstone deserve a yellow car.
01:02:46We deserve a yellow car.
01:02:51Where are you, you idiot?
01:02:53Just running away with your little boyfriend Mr. Brown.
01:02:55Bitch!
01:02:56Whatever.
01:02:57You're dumbass, hello?
01:03:02Did you just throw your phone out the window?
01:03:04Yeah.
01:03:05I don't want to talk to her anymore.
01:03:09you're awesome
01:03:12i think i know of a place we can rob
01:03:22a tanning salon yes i'm gonna do this on my own okay you stay here okay okay i'm not nervous
01:03:28i'm not nervous
01:03:37can i help you yeah um i'm wondering if i could get 15 minutes in your express net
01:03:44and if you could give me all the cash in your register excuse me i'm hungry and i need money
01:03:53i'm sorry i'm nervous listen i hit the string off my hoodie last night
01:03:57and half of it's about to come out my butt i've had a bad couple of days
01:04:03that's disgusting yeah if i could oh you don't need to feel awkward we have plenty of african-american
01:04:08customers i'm canadian okay jeb get back in the car i have this covered okay this is a hold up
01:04:17this is a hold up lady i got a gun you want to see
01:04:19uh come on let's go let's go
01:04:22hurry hurry hurry hurry as soon as you can more money
01:04:27okay so sorry i'm so sorry really sorry about this
01:04:33thank you you have a really good day i love your tan
01:04:40oh my god
01:04:45come on mr brown come on
01:04:47come on
01:04:48come on
01:04:49come on
01:05:08in what appears to be a robbery spree targeting only canning salons police are seeking the
01:05:14individual seen in this surveillance video anyone with information is asked to call crime foilers
01:05:19dickhead for stealing my car
01:05:22i think it's kind of hot
01:05:27it's like we're fearing stage three melanoma one robbery at a time
01:05:30i don't even know we're rich how much money do we have
01:05:33it's looking like we have a thousand dollars
01:05:35oh my god
01:05:36you're rich
01:05:37my phone's ready
01:05:38hold on a second
01:05:40hello
01:05:40hi this is janeen from dr hotdorn's outfit it's been a couple weeks since you're left
01:05:46hello
01:05:47ah
01:05:48sorry
01:05:49i like them when they're hard
01:05:50i can't
01:06:08i'm not a very good guidance counselor
01:06:11i'm peeing on the side of the road when i'm on the lam with a student
01:06:21look
01:06:22where are we going
01:06:24where are we going
01:06:40everything in this room smells so good
01:06:42i just smelled dna
01:06:46it's disgusting
01:06:48maybe you should chill with the drinking
01:06:51says you
01:06:53oh
01:07:00i know you're not gay
01:07:04i mean i never thought you were
01:07:09sorry
01:07:10i'm sorry
01:07:11what's happening
01:07:15oh no no no
01:07:18i'm your guidance counselor
01:07:20i can't
01:07:22you're not really my guidance counselor
01:07:26i know but can you just pretend
01:07:31i'm sorry
01:07:34i'm sorry
01:07:35i'm sorry i think
01:07:36i'm just gonna
01:07:38i'm just gonna walk it off
01:07:47anytime
01:07:49i'm sorry
01:07:53okay
01:07:53okay
01:08:05One of the strangest local robbing sprees in recent memory occurred today
01:08:09when David Gould, a failed actor posing as a high school guidance counselor
01:08:13along with a local high school student, robbed a series of tanning salons.
01:08:19The suspects started here at Sandy Beach Tanning Salon
01:08:22where they held an employee up at gunpoint.
01:08:25What happened here?
01:08:27Well, it was terrifying. They just barged in.
01:08:30I was like, excuse me, and they had a gun.
01:08:33The sister of David Gould, is there anything at all that you want to say to him right now?
01:08:36Yes, yes there is. David, you...
01:08:38Alongside identity theft, will charges of kidnapping be leveled against David?
01:08:43Authorities say the suspect wanted fame and notoriety.
01:08:46According to sources, he's a psychologically disturbed and pathologically immature man.
01:09:04I am comfortable with my power.
01:09:10I use my power wisely.
01:09:15I look forward to what life has in store for me.
01:09:22It's easy for me to stand up for myself.
01:09:26I have high self-esteem.
01:09:35I am on my way to accomplishing all of my goals.
01:10:01I am on my way to the underpants.
01:10:10I am not.
01:10:29Morning.
01:10:32Have you ever woken up in the morning
01:10:34and all you want to do is watch an episode of Kate and Ellie
01:10:38and then you remember it's been off the air for 30 years?
01:10:43What?
01:10:48I hate those days.
01:11:01Is everything okay, Mr. Brown?
01:11:04I'm sober.
01:11:10Mr. Brown?
01:11:17Why aren't you saying anything?
01:11:19Gabrielle, I actually want to help you, okay?
01:11:22Well, you already have.
01:11:26Um, where are we going?
01:11:27We're making a right.
01:11:29Yeah, well, the highway's that way.
01:11:33Okay.
01:11:47The bus station, are we abandoning the car?
01:11:49This is where you move on.
01:11:52Mr. Brown.
01:11:53I want you to make a deal with me.
01:11:55You take this money and you visit your aunt in Winnipeg.
01:11:57I know it's not ours, but...
01:12:04You know, I'm an optimist.
01:12:05I figure I'll go to prison, I'll see a doctor,
01:12:09I'll sober up, and I'll probably end up having gay sex.
01:12:12I'll let you know if I like it.
01:12:15I want you to repeat after me, okay?
01:12:17Okay.
01:12:19I love myself.
01:12:20I love myself.
01:12:22I'm going to be a success, despite the odds.
01:12:25I'm going to be a success, despite the odds.
01:12:27I've met all of my expectations.
01:12:30I've met all of my expectations.
01:12:32Get out of the car.
01:12:34Get out of the car.
01:12:35No.
01:12:36I mean, get out of the car.
01:12:38Go visit your aunt.
01:12:39She misses you.
01:12:42Wait.
01:12:46Take my computer.
01:12:47It's got spell check on it.
01:12:50Thanks, Mr. Brown.
01:12:51No problem.
01:12:52Hi.
01:12:58This is David Gold calling.
01:13:00I'm the guidance counselor.
01:13:02I just want to make it clear that I kidnapped Jabrielle Crane,
01:13:06and I forced her to join me in the tanning salon robberies.
01:13:10I've since released her, and I have no idea of her whereabouts,
01:13:13but if you want to come and arrest me,
01:13:17I'm at the convenience store at the corner of Sutherland and McRae.
01:13:22I'm so I'm so I'm thinking.
01:13:23I'm so I'm sorry.
01:13:42I don't know.
01:13:43I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm here,
01:13:45but I'm so I'm so I'm so I'm going to go here,
01:13:45I don't know.
01:14:19I believe in myself.
01:14:26If I don't fit into an imperfect world, I allow myself to be imperfect.
01:14:38I let go of my past and firmly root myself in the present.
01:14:46I have flaws.
01:14:55Success is a state of mind.
01:14:59I am not who I thought I'd become, and that's okay.
01:15:09I'm trying my best, and that's good enough.
01:15:16I can be myself.
01:15:21I am free.
01:15:25The real me starts now.
01:15:56No, I want you to repeat after me.
01:16:00I have power.
01:16:03I have power.
01:16:06I'm going to be a success despite the odds.
01:16:09I'm going to be a success despite the odds.
01:16:12I love myself.
01:16:14I love myself.
01:16:16Okay, you guys did a really good job.
01:16:18I just want to take this opportunity to let you know that I'm massively attracted to the
01:16:22three of you right now, and I can say that because I love myself.
01:16:26I also want to let you know that Midnight Express is one of my favorite movies, so if
01:16:29you ever want to take a shower, I've been practicing dropping the soap.
01:16:34I consider my body to be a very spiritual place, but I'm not very choosy about what goes in
01:16:39it.
01:16:40We're going to be really good friends, guys.
01:16:42I'm in cell 2B if you ever want to.
01:16:46You know, whatever.
01:16:56Sometimes I feel like I don't know where to start
01:17:00Sometimes I feel as if I'm falling apart
01:17:03But in the end I know all I can do is follow my heart
01:17:12I'm always going but never coming on
01:17:15I fall asleep but always wake up alone
01:17:19And pay the price to live the life that I've been calling my own
01:17:27But I see everything and moving them straight
01:17:31When I'm awake inside the world of my dreams
01:17:36Refracting light within the blink of an eye
01:17:39And painting rainbows till I run out of sky
01:17:44I was just the last boy
01:17:47I was just the last boy but now how I've been found
01:17:52Burning through the daylight uptight all night
01:17:57Turned and around
01:18:00But just to get by, get by till I come back down
01:18:08Now I'm gonna stand tall, stand up, stand my God
01:18:24I've felt the power of the tiniest spot
01:18:27I've faced the death of every pitch in the dark
01:18:31And I'll keep searching until I finally make my own mark
01:18:39Cause I see everything and moving them straight
01:18:43When I'm awake inside the world of my dreams
01:18:48Refracting light within the blink of an eye
01:18:51And painting rainbows till I run out of sky
01:18:54I was just the last boy but now how I've been found
01:19:02Burning through the daylight uptight all night
01:19:07Turned and around
01:19:09But just to get by, get by till I come back down
01:19:18Now I'm gonna stand tall, stand up, stand my God
01:19:34My inspiration is my love of the sun
01:19:38My motivation is what moves me along
01:19:41And if I'm true to me then I know I can never be wrong
01:19:50Cause I see everything and moving them straight
01:19:53When I'm awake inside the world of my dreams
01:19:58Refracting light within the blink of an eye
01:20:01And painting rainbows till I run out of sky
01:20:05I was just the last boy but now how I've been found
01:20:13Burning through the daylight uptight all night
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