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Watch Free Bert Season 1 Episode 1 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:05Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Rob, happy birthday to
00:22you.
00:31Thank you guys so much for celebrating me tonight. It means the world to me. But now, the entertainment
00:38part of the night. America's favorite party boy comedian, the genius Bert Kreischer!
00:53Rob Lowe, everybody. Right? Right?
01:05Thank you. Thank you. It's so nice to celebrate Rob's birthday with you guys. I absolutely adore
01:11this man. He's one of the greatest guys I've ever- Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
01:18Do it again. Do what?
01:21The shirt thing. Just put it back on, take it off again. You want me to do it again?
01:24Yeah, yeah. It's my birthday. It's your birthday.
01:28Who's with me?
01:33Okay.
01:42Yeah?
01:43Rip that shit. I even ripped that fucking width and take it off! Take it off!
01:51Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!
01:56Take it off! Take it off!
02:04It's all they wanted on? They flew me out of here for this so I can take my shirt off
02:0715 fucking times?
02:08I'll catch up with y'all in a second. I'll see you at Drop-Off Reap. Hi, girl.
02:12Wait, are you even listening to me? What are you doing right now?
02:14I met a new parent orientation, Bert. This place is so incredible.
02:18Especially the LD department. Isla is going to thrive here.
02:21This is what I'm talking about. I should be there with you guys.
02:24Helping the girls get situated. Partying with other dads and shit.
02:27No, it's okay. Really. I got it.
02:29And I'm missing it for this? To be a stripper for Rob Lowe?
02:32Hey, Dasha. Leigh-Anne.
02:33Are you sure we met at Drop-Off the other day? No?
02:37Did you just get dissed by another mom?
02:38Yeah, these bitches don't mess around.
02:40I hate to say it, honey, but we might have to up our game if we want to fit in
02:44here.
02:44Up our game? Ho, ho, ho. We are who we are, and we have to embrace that.
02:48If they don't like us for who we are, then fuck them.
02:50I don't know. Sometimes you gotta get along to get along, honey.
02:53But we gotta maintain our dignity, right?
02:55Dirty boy, you got one more shirt rip in ya?
02:57Jesus Christ, this guy's insatiable.
02:59Yeah, sure thing, Rob. Give me one second. I'm just wrapping up.
03:01All right, I gotta go. I love you.
03:02Yeah, I... Hello?
03:05Man, thank you so much for coming up. You crushed it.
03:08Of course, dude. Happy to do it.
03:09Oh, my God. You are a funny, funny man.
03:13If you take that shirt off, oh, my God!
03:16Ah, thank you.
03:17How did you come up with it?
03:20The shirt?
03:21Yeah, yeah.
03:23Well, you know, I...
03:25I guess I'm more comfortable without a shirt.
03:29Why?
03:30Makes no sense, right?
03:32Here's what I'm wondering.
03:34What if you cut all the other stuff way down?
03:38You mean the jokes?
03:39The filler, yeah.
03:41I mean, is it really necessary?
03:43I mean, it's really just a race to get the shirt off, no?
03:47And then a race again to put it back on so you can take it off again?
03:51Yeah, I don't know if I ever looked at it like that.
03:53I mean, I don't know why you're not busting that motherfucker off 20 times a show.
03:58I don't know if my whole set could be that.
04:00Could it not?
04:01I mean, that's what's got them rolling in their seats.
04:03And you know why?
04:05Because it's universal.
04:07The shirtless fat guy.
04:09I mean, it transcends language.
04:12It transcends culture.
04:14It's funny in China.
04:15It's funny in Indonesia.
04:17It's funny in a random mud hut in Mozambique.
04:19Yeah.
04:20Yeah, that's true.
04:22But I...
04:23I think people are coming to see me for more than me just taking my shirt off.
04:27Hmm, maybe.
04:29But I think you need to ask yourself, would they still come if you didn't?
04:36Anyway, food for thought.
04:38Well, I'm not sure if you just get through the ball.
04:42Well, I don't know if you're doing anything.
04:52Wait.
04:52All right.
04:57I don't know if you're coming out.
04:59Stay away!
05:01I don't know if you're coming first.
05:02I'm going to go.
05:04How are you looking for this?
05:06I'm not going for you.
05:07I'm not going to go.
05:07I'm going to go.
05:13All right, girls, come on, get your stuff, let's go.
05:16Hey, what the fuck's going on here?
05:18Where are you guys going?
05:19Uh, we have school.
05:20Oh, wow.
05:21I heard Rob Lowe treated you like a piece of meat.
05:24He didn't treat me like a...
05:26Who told you that?
05:27Mom.
05:28Well, I didn't say it in so many words.
05:30I think I used more of like a dancing monkey analogy.
05:32Thanks, hon.
05:33You're not so upset about that, are you?
05:35I'm not upset, but I'm just in my head about it.
05:37It's like, he flew me out, we had drinks, he laughed hysterically.
05:41He says I'm his favorite comedian, but I don't think he knows I do stand-up comedy.
05:45Hey, hey, hey, don't let Rob Lowe get in your head.
05:48But is that how people see me?
05:49Is that why they come to my shows?
05:51You know what?
05:51You're spinning out.
05:52You just need to get out of your head, take a break, focus on something else.
05:57Like what?
05:58I don't know, anything.
05:59Like you guys?
05:59No.
06:00I mean, yeah, sure.
06:02Yeah.
06:02You're like, hang on, that does make sense.
06:04When you think about it, there's a lot going on in this house.
06:07New school and stuff?
06:08Well, I don't know if that's the specific.
06:10No, when you're right, you're right.
06:11It's a good point.
06:12Here's what I can do.
06:12Get more hands-on with the family, right?
06:14Dump all this manic energy on you guys.
06:16Oh, what?
06:17Yeah.
06:18Wait, why do you look hot?
06:19I told you, I'm up in my game.
06:21We need to fit in at this school, okay?
06:24I'm going to get involved.
06:25We're going to make friends.
06:27We're all going to play nice.
06:28What's the fun in that?
06:29I mean, do you want to learn how to read?
06:31Yeah, like ever.
06:34Wow, we're going there.
06:36I have a learning disability.
06:38Oh, here we go.
06:39And you guys are shaming me for it.
06:41What the actual thing?
06:42Hey, hey, hey, we got to tone that back and we got to go.
06:45We don't want to be late for drop-off.
06:46Hold on.
06:47Can I do it?
06:48Let us leave.
06:49Please, I need this.
06:50Okay, I've got it.
06:52Look, you're exhausted.
06:53No, I want to go.
06:55Oh, you don't want me to go.
06:57You guys didn't even wake me up.
06:58You were going without me regardless.
07:00You think I'm going to fuck it up, don't you?
07:02I just don't want to mess up a good thing, you know?
07:04It's like with any relationship.
07:05You leave with your best stuff and then once you get in,
07:07you slowly reveal the ugly side.
07:10The ugly side?
07:11Obviously.
07:12Guys, guys, what are we talking about right now?
07:14This is fucking drop-off.
07:16How can I fuck up drop-off?
07:17I'm sure I can find a way.
07:18Yeah, you'll figure it out.
07:20Stop it.
07:20I'm going.
07:21I'm doing drop-off.
07:22I can do this.
07:23I will do this.
07:24Can I please do this?
07:26Please, can I do drop-off?
07:27No.
07:28Please, come on, come on, come on, come on.
07:29I should drive at this point.
07:30Give me the keys.
07:32No, no.
07:34Are you fucking serious?
07:35Do I need a shirt?
07:36Yes.
07:36Yes.
07:37Yeah, you need a shirt.
07:42Oh, wow.
07:43This school is fucking nice.
07:45Isla, how much is tuition?
07:47Mom told me not to tell you, so I can't.
07:48Sorry.
07:49Should I follow this around?
07:51Yeah.
07:51Oh, cool.
07:52There's a black kid.
07:54Oh, all right.
07:56Do I get out, or is this it?
07:57This is definitely it, Tash.
07:59Okay.
08:00I'm getting out.
08:01I'm getting out.
08:11What's going on with her?
08:13Why is no one talking to her?
08:14Because she's a major loser and has no friends.
08:16Really?
08:17Mom didn't tell me about that.
08:19Oh, Mom.
08:20Bless her heart.
08:20She tries her best, but she doesn't have your fastball.
08:22No.
08:28The fuck?
08:33Who's this bitch?
08:36That's Kirsten Vandersall.
08:38Pretty much runs the joint.
08:41Miss Barkley, it's three years running.
08:43Sounds important.
08:45Who's the stud with her?
08:4612 o'clock.
08:47Zach Hodge Kiss.
08:50Model looks but personality, total dead.
08:52Oh.
08:53They've been together since 6th grade.
08:54Hmm.
08:56Wow.
08:56Blowing right past her.
08:58Does anyone at this school know I'm her dad?
09:00Maybe I should take a lap.
09:01No, no.
09:02I don't think that'll move the needle at all.
09:04Is there any other dad here that's been on Kimmel 6 times?
09:07Look, obviously, I love your shit.
09:09I talk you up in every circle.
09:11But these kids, man, they live in a different world.
09:14Operate on different platforms.
09:15Okay.
09:16I'll call my agent.
09:17Get on a Twitch.
09:17Get on a live stream.
09:18Talk her up.
09:19Make her popular.
09:20Bob's your uncle.
09:20It's not that easy.
09:21Even if you could get on one, you'd have no idea what you're doing.
09:24It's a whole different animal.
09:25Please.
09:25You don't think I can handle it?
09:26Okay.
09:27Say I didn't warn you.
09:28Okay.
09:28Hey, have a great day.
09:29I love you.
09:30I love you.
09:31I fucking love you.
09:33I fucking love you.
09:36Drop off successful.
09:40The Nappy Boy Radio Podcast.
09:43Live with your boy.
09:44Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
09:48So have we started?
09:50Huh?
09:51Is this it?
09:52Is it streaming?
09:53Oh, yeah, for about 30 minutes now.
09:55For real?
09:56Oh, yeah.
09:56I appreciate you putting me on, man.
09:58You're really big over at Park Ridge Academy, where my daughter's at.
10:01Who's that?
10:02My daughter's just, we should probably talk a little bit about her.
10:04Oh, shit.
10:05I just got a text.
10:06Hold on.
10:06Hold on.
10:07George of Chrysler.
10:07Hold on.
10:08Yep.
10:08Send him in.
10:09Hey, send him in.
10:10We got a guest coming in.
10:12Woo!
10:12Hey, man.
10:14What's up with my boy?
10:15My God.
10:16How you doing?
10:17Absolutely.
10:18Yes, sir.
10:20Hey, man, y'all already know Pac-Man up in these big for real, though.
10:23Smel me.
10:24Hell yeah.
10:25Pac-Man, you know Park, right?
10:26Hell yeah.
10:27How you doing?
10:27I'm a comedian.
10:28You know what I'm saying?
10:28Nice to meet you, brother.
10:29Big fan.
10:30I'm a huge fucking fan.
10:31You guys got kids?
10:34My daughter just transferred into Barclay, 8th grade.
10:37Cool.
10:37Remember those days?
10:38Good luck, my boy.
10:39Right.
10:40Walk right in there.
10:41Handjobs.
10:4113th break.
10:44That's the way it starts.
10:45You know what I mean?
10:46I don't know about that.
10:47Can we edit this?
10:49No, this is live.
10:50This is live.
10:51Just give me a second, because we got to switch gears.
10:52I got to ask him a question.
10:54Like, what's the shirt situation?
10:55God, it's so funny.
10:57I'm actually going through, like, a little bit of a questioning.
11:01I did a private party for Rob Lowe.
11:04And he, you know what I'm saying?
11:05Almost Fire.
11:05I have no idea who the fuck that is.
11:07Do not listen to fucking Rob Lowe.
11:09Don't listen to Rob.
11:10Yeah, fucking Corey Feldman told me to stop doing
11:12cocaine.
11:13You think I did that?
11:13No, the fuck you talking about?
11:15What the fuck is wrong with you?
11:16Hey, but on the real though, don't question that shit, bro.
11:19It's fucking gangsta.
11:20For real?
11:21Yes, bro.
11:21That's what I need to fucking hear.
11:23You ain't got no fucks to give.
11:24Zero fucks.
11:25Zero gang.
11:26No shirt gang.
11:27I fucking love this.
11:57Hi.
11:59Hi.
12:00Georgia, is it?
12:00Um, yeah.
12:02Kirsten Vanderthal.
12:03This is Cameron, Lexi, and Fiona.
12:05Hi.
12:06Some hot gossip going around about you.
12:08Word is you've never given a handjob.
12:11What?
12:12What are you talking about?
12:13Where'd you hear that?
12:15Oh, my God.
12:16Wait, she doesn't know.
12:19Know what?
12:22Handjobs.
12:27I don't think so, guys.
12:29That's too young.
12:30No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
12:31Georgia, my daughter does not jerk dudes off.
12:34I can promise you that.
12:34If someone broke into our house and was having a gun in my head,
12:37you're like, I'm going to kill every motherfucker in here
12:39unless someone give me a handjob.
12:41We're dead.
12:48Wow.
12:49There's a lot of rules.
12:51What is this, Mein Kampf?
12:52I know, but it's so good for them, especially Isla.
12:56They have this mindfulness mobility program
12:58where they teach them how to meditate.
13:01Isla?
13:01Yes.
13:02Meditate in complete silence.
13:03Yes.
13:04Good luck with that.
13:06You went on a live stream and said,
13:07I've never given a handjob.
13:08Are you kidding me?
13:09Oh, boy.
13:10Well, you haven't.
13:12Have you?
13:13That's not the point.
13:14Baby, it was a joke.
13:15Yeah, I think as a comedian,
13:16you should be free to go there.
13:17Painters got to paint.
13:18Thank you, Isla.
13:19Okay.
13:19Well, I hope it was worth it
13:20because Kirsten Vandertal and all her little friends
13:22are crushing me about it.
13:24A lot of my friends are laughing about it, too.
13:25Really?
13:26It's playing with the younger crowd?
13:27Fuck yeah.
13:28Nice.
13:29Well, no, Vandertal is in the Vandertal Foundation,
13:31the Vandertal Equestrian Center.
13:33Yes.
13:34Yes.
13:35Yes.
13:35My life is over, okay?
13:37You think any guy's going to want to talk to me now?
13:39Well, it's actually not the worst thing in the world
13:41if guys are looking elsewhere for handjobs.
13:42This is such bullshit.
13:43Kirsten posted to fuck with me,
13:45and now everyone's sharing it.
13:46Wow.
13:47Wow.
13:47Thank you, Dad.
13:48Well, hang on.
13:49That's crossing a line.
13:50No, no.
13:52You crossed a line with your big, fat mouth.
13:55Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
13:56I think we're all crossing some lines here.
13:59No, babe, this is a clear violation
14:01of the school's cyberbullying policy.
14:02Says so right here in the handbook, hon.
14:04What do you think of big man?
14:05Have you fucked with her?
14:07Start an online campaign
14:08and turn all her friends against her
14:09and trash her reputation?
14:10No.
14:11Papa Mom Stires.
14:12I like that.
14:12No, he's done enough.
14:13I can find out where she lived
14:14and let's go keep your house.
14:15No, no.
14:16She's right.
14:17We've got to do something.
14:17Hila, stop encouraging him.
14:19Or, hey, hey,
14:21maybe we just leave it alone.
14:22We don't want to rock the boat.
14:24Since when has Bert Kreischer left anything alone?
14:26We're cutting his balls off here, guys.
14:27Hila.
14:28You don't even know what that means.
14:29So?
14:30Okay, listen.
14:31Please just stay out of it, okay?
14:33I'm begging you.
14:34The last time you got involved,
14:36you got us kicked out of the school.
14:37No, we didn't get kicked out.
14:39They asked us not to return.
14:40Very different.
14:41Well, after they threatened us
14:42with their lawyers and stuff.
14:43No, no, no, no.
14:44The family threatened us with lawyers.
14:45I remember.
14:45The school was totally fine.
14:47Not really.
14:47We had lawyers also.
14:48This is so, what?
14:50Make the call.
14:51They're obviously too emotional,
14:52but I'm thinking clearly.
14:53Thank you, Hila.
14:54Wow.
14:55Oh, she's right.
14:56She's right.
14:56She's right.
14:57Yeah, she's right.
15:04I'm always right.
15:05You know what?
15:07We're going to play this one by the book.
15:10I'm going to call the school,
15:11get the principal, parents, kids,
15:12sit down,
15:13and we'll get that little shit
15:14to take that fucking post down.
15:15That's how we're doing it.
15:16No, no, no.
15:17No, no, actually.
15:17Hey, hey, hey.
15:18You don't need to go in.
15:18Yeah, that's a pussy mess.
15:19No, that's not why I love it.
15:21Guys, they wrote the rules.
15:24All we're asking them to do
15:25is follow them.
15:28New science lab looks good, Miriam.
15:30Thanks to your generous donation.
15:32Oh, we feel beyond blessed
15:34to be able to give back
15:35in such a significant way.
15:36It's humbling.
15:37Oh, so humbling.
15:39And the tax write-off
15:40doesn't suck either.
15:41Oh, I bet.
15:42I just totally do.
15:43I bet.
15:43Okay, let's get to it.
15:45I don't want to waste
15:45any more of Dr. Vanderthal's time.
15:47Yeah, we certainly don't want
15:48to delay someone's ass lift.
15:49Oh, he's joking.
15:54Well, thank you both
15:56for meeting with us.
15:57We wanted to talk to you
15:59because your daughter
16:01has maybe been
16:03approaching the line
16:04of what some might consider
16:06bullying.
16:07Might consider?
16:08Bullying?
16:09Please.
16:10Okay, let's call it what it is.
16:12I mean, if we're okay with it.
16:13And not write some rule
16:14in the handbook
16:14that we're not going to enforce
16:15because then,
16:16what are we saying then?
16:17Really, rules are just suggestions
16:18and we get to pick which ones
16:19we give a fuck about
16:20and don't give a fuck about
16:21because, lady,
16:22I cannot give a fuck
16:22way quicker than I can get you
16:23to give a fuck.
16:25I can assure you
16:27no one's okay with bullying,
16:28Mr. Kreischer.
16:29No, of course.
16:29No, he wasn't suggesting that.
16:31All I did was post a clip
16:32of my favorite comedian.
16:33Okay, how is that bullying?
16:35I'm having a hard time
16:35seeing that as well.
16:36Wait, I'm your favorite comedian?
16:38I was talking about T-Pain.
16:40T-Pain's not a comedian.
16:42Hold on, what are we doing here?
16:43This is a bullshit.
16:44I'm wondering
16:45if there might be
16:46some sort of a compromise here.
16:49Compromise?
16:50Yeah.
16:50On rules?
16:51That's the whole point of a rule.
16:53If we don't follow the rules,
16:54then what kind of message
16:55are we sending to our children
16:56that if you're white
16:57and you donate a library
16:58in a Pilates studio
16:59that your daughter gets to do
17:00whatever the fuck she wants?
17:02This joke's just kill me.
17:04Miriam, I'm feeling a little triggered
17:06by all the money shaving.
17:08Yeah, it's pretty egregious.
17:09Is that a violation in the handbook?
17:11It might be.
17:12I'm starting to think
17:12I'm the only one
17:13that read the goddamn handbook.
17:14If I may,
17:15I think emotions are running
17:17a little hot
17:18and maybe we should take...
17:19Who the fuck's this guy?
17:20This is Dr. Jeff,
17:22our school therapist.
17:23Oh, sorry.
17:24He, uh, specializes
17:25in unhinged parents.
17:26Excuse me?
17:27What's up?
17:28Did you hear that?
17:28I missed it.
17:31The point is
17:32your daughter has
17:35unintentionally, I'm sure,
17:36humiliated Georgia.
17:38Hmm.
17:39Well, actually,
17:40I think your husband
17:40might have beat her to it
17:41when he talked about
17:42her waxing knobs
17:43on a podcast.
17:44No, I said she had
17:46never waxed a knob.
17:47That's what I said.
17:47And that is what I do.
17:49I'm a comedian.
17:50Well, you're not much of one
17:51with your shirt on anyway.
17:53Hmm.
17:54No, seriously,
17:55it's a great gimmick.
17:56You know, so much easier
17:57than relying on something
17:58silly like Talon.
17:59Yeah.
18:00Oh.
18:01You're trying to bully me now.
18:03Swing away, sister.
18:04You've never seen
18:05skin this thick.
18:06Well, that's for sure.
18:07Was that a fat joke?
18:08No, no, no, no.
18:09I'm sure she didn't
18:10mean it like that,
18:11did you, Kirsten?
18:12No.
18:12No, your mom's right.
18:14I mean, I was just being honest.
18:16You know, I've literally
18:17never seen skin that thick
18:18on a person before.
18:19Like, ever.
18:21I'm sorry.
18:22You think that I am his mom?
18:24Oh, okay.
18:25I'm a little lost
18:26on what the issue is.
18:27It seems like Kirsten
18:28simply posted something
18:29she found amusing.
18:30I don't see any reason
18:31why she has to take it down.
18:33Okay.
18:33I think we're done here.
18:34Yeah, we're definitely done here.
18:36I feel like this could
18:37have been an email.
18:38Let's go, sweetie.
18:39Bye.
18:40They're just gonna leave.
18:41Yeah, great job, Dad.
18:43You really sold that.
18:44That was really good.
18:46Oh, Georgia.
18:47Georgia.
18:49Georgia.
18:51You okay, Mr. Kreischer?
18:53Yeah.
18:54Gangbusters.
18:55It looked like
18:56Kirsten rattled you there a bit.
18:58Please.
18:59I don't get rattled
19:00by middle school girls, okay?
19:01Okay.
19:02Maybe I'm off.
19:03Yeah.
19:04But if I'm not,
19:06my door is always open.
19:08I'm cool.
19:08I'll start therapy at 50.
19:09Well,
19:10I don't think
19:11it would be
19:12be a terrible idea for you.
19:31So,
19:32how'd it go today, guys?
19:33Get Kirsten
19:34and take down that post?
19:35Not yet, Ilo.
19:36Not even close.
19:37He just made everything worse,
19:38actually.
19:39I haven't even been
19:40at the school,
19:41what,
19:41a week?
19:42And you've already managed
19:43to ruin my life.
19:44Twice.
19:45You think you're
19:45the only one hurting?
19:46They called me fat.
19:48They trashed my career.
19:49And they insinuated
19:50that your mother was,
19:51what,
19:51in your mid to late 70s?
19:52Yep.
19:53Something like that.
19:55Those animals.
19:56Look,
19:56I really think
19:57that we just need
19:58to drop it
19:59and try not to draw
20:00any more attention
20:01to ourselves.
20:02I am all for that.
20:03As soon as we get
20:04little Miss Vanderkunt
20:06to come to her senses.
20:07And if she doesn't,
20:08what then?
20:09You gonna call her down
20:10to the headmaster's office again
20:11to make more
20:11of a joke of yourself?
20:12Maybe.
20:13Maybe I will.
20:14You got some problems, dude.
20:16You need to talk to somebody.
20:18Work your shit out.
20:22They're all running
20:23a train on me
20:23in the principal's office
20:24and it's all led
20:25by this prick plastic surgeon.
20:27Dude,
20:28you ever see
20:28a plastic surgeon's wife?
20:29Holy fucking shit.
20:30What a cheat code.
20:31You go to fucking school
20:32so you can marry a four
20:33and turn her into an eight.
20:34You ever see a guy
20:35who has a passion project
20:36like a truck he works on?
20:37That's his wife.
20:38You know this guy
20:39who goes home
20:39and tinkers with her titties.
20:41That's not enough.
20:42Just a little more.
20:43And tight fucking lips.
20:45I guarantee you
20:45when she sucks his dick,
20:47tight lips,
20:47and a hallway of a throat.
20:51I think it's sad
20:52that she got that much work done.
20:54Because if you come in her face,
20:55there's no surprise.
20:57Just...
20:58No expression.
20:59I bet sex with him
21:00is like getting your ears pierced.
21:01You feel a little prick
21:02and it's over.
21:03What is she?
21:03Jerk him off like this?
21:06Just grab it
21:07and rub the top.
21:10Just staring at him
21:11with that dead picture.
21:14How can you tell
21:16if she consents during sex?
21:17She can't move her fucking face.
21:20Is it okay
21:20if I fuck you in the ass?
21:23Can I put a finger in your ass?
21:27I'm sitting in the principal's office
21:29with these two fucking cunts
21:30thinking,
21:30where's a school shooter
21:31when you need one?
21:42It's going to be...
22:00I just like that.
22:02Can I let him go
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