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Watch Free Bert Season 1 Episode 2 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:09This guy's got a small dick.
00:12You know the kind of guy that drinks with a straw and pisses sitting down?
00:17I bet his dick's so small a white people mistaken for Joe Rogan.
00:29Now, I think that was taken just a little out of context, and if you back it up, there was
00:33a little bit of a build.
00:34I think we've seen enough. That was extremely triggering.
00:37That was downright offensive.
00:40Yeah.
00:40Okay? Now I can take it.
00:42My penis is obviously much bigger than this man here is suggesting, and I can prove that easily if need
00:49be.
00:49But to have to watch my wife wake up to an email chain where this disgusting video is being passed
00:56around to all the parents?
00:58Wait, you're going to read what?
00:59Bert!
00:59What?
00:59I feel violated.
01:01Me, too.
01:02There's a clear no cell phone policy in that club. That's what we should be looking for.
01:06Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. That's your issue here?
01:08Oh, maybe we just call it a wash since we were all violated equally?
01:12You know what it is? I actually feel unsafe. This man is a bully.
01:17I'm the bully?
01:18Yeah.
01:18Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop writing. What are you writing down?
01:21I can't disclose that.
01:22Something has to be done here. Miriam?
01:25Maybe it's best if Mr. Kreischer stays off campus for a while, and Georgia does her work from home for
01:31a few days just until things blow over.
01:33Does that work for you guys?
01:34Yes. Thank you, Miriam.
01:35What the fuck?
02:03What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
02:06Isla, I will leap across this table.
02:09And do what?
02:11What? You need to apologize to them.
02:13Him apologize? That guy?
02:16For what? For having an inspired set? Some are comparing to an early Richard Pryor? Or am I apologizing for
02:21exercising my First Amendment right? Are we taking away the freedom of speech now? Is that what we're doing?
02:25What are we even talking about?
02:26Bert? What?
02:27She just got kicked out of school. Yeah. And you got banned from campus.
02:32Oh, I'd like to see them enforce that.
02:33Well, they do have security guards. Who? Carl and Sanjay? You think I can whoop those fools?
02:38Thank you, Isla. I ran naked with the bulls in Pamplona. I'll blow the doors off two rent-a-cops
02:43from Beverly Hills.
02:44Whether you can or can't, and I would argue you 100% cannot, that is not the point.
02:49Well, what's the fucking point?
02:51The fucking point is you need to stop and find something else to focus on, okay? Like anything else.
02:57You can focus on me, guys. I got a ton of shit to dump on your plate.
03:00Wait, what's going on with you?
03:01Wait, what kind of shit are you dealing with?
03:02All I'm asking is for you to try to behave like a normal person. Is that too much for you?
03:10It's a big ask.
03:11Wait, where is she going?
03:12Georgia.
03:13Wait, where are you going?
03:14To clean up your mess.
03:29Hey.
03:30Hey. You are beautiful. Do you hear me? You can't let them change you. You can't let
03:38any of these motherfuckers change you. When you're fighting a bull, you don't run away from
03:45it. You run right the fuck at it.
03:58Her tits are flawless. I mean, perfect. I think if she had more sets of tits, she'd be a tolerable
04:05person.
04:07That last one wasn't actually bad.
04:10Yeah, that was a good joke.
04:11It was a good joke, but she was upset. This is exactly what I was hoping to avoid.
04:15Oh, the ugly side.
04:17Oh, there you go. Now you're getting it.
04:19But tell me those two phony motherfuckers didn't deserve to get lit the fuck up.
04:22Of course they did, but do we always have to be the ones to do it?
04:27Yeah, but if we don't do it, who's going to do it?
04:28Uh, maybe no one. At least not yet.
04:31So what you're saying is, people get to do retarded shit, and we can't call them on it
04:36and make them feel like assholes for it?
04:38It's just a pitch, okay? Look where it's gotten us. Headmaster's office, suspension,
04:44our daughter hating you. I mean, this is not worth it.
04:47It's not, right?
04:48Uh-uh. We just need to bite our tongues until we settle in.
04:53And then we get to light people up?
04:57Yeah, sure.
05:13Good morning.
05:16Hey.
05:18Hey.
05:22I'm sorry, okay?
05:24I may have overdid it a little bit.
05:26Wow, full of me to watch it, huh?
05:28Shut the fuck up, Isla.
05:29Isla. Can you forgive me?
05:32It's fine. Just don't let it happen again.
05:35Hold on. It was that easy. You don't hate me?
05:39No.
05:40Oh, she's way past that.
05:42Now that Zach Koshkis started DMing her.
05:44What?
05:45How would you know that unless you went through my phone?
05:46Because I went through your phone, bitch!
05:48How do you know my password?
05:49Oh, hey, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Isla, stop it. Isla.
05:52Zach Koshkis DM'd you?
05:54Like Zach Koshkis, Kirsten Vanderfox's boyfriend, Zach Koshkis?
05:57Oh, that's so dumb. Where have you been? He invited George over to watch a movie.
06:02Whoa. What's he want with you?
06:04Really?
06:05No, I didn't mean it like that. I meant like, what's he want with you? Like, what's he want with
06:08you?
06:08What? No, baby. No, I'm just saying like, he doesn't give you the time of day and then all of
06:13a sudden he invites you over to watch a movie?
06:14Okay.
06:15Sounds a little suspect, doesn't it?
06:16It does raise some red flags.
06:17Okay, okay. Well, maybe he likes me. Have you ever considered that?
06:22It crossed my mind for a second, but it seems so absurd I just completely moved on from it.
06:28Get out of my room.
06:29Yep.
06:30Get out.
06:31Isla, let's go. Hey, fucking great job on the DMs.
06:34Maybe he just likes her.
06:36This is Zach Koshkis we're talking about.
06:38Okay.
06:39Kids are shooing for Mr. Barclidge. He can pull any girl in that class. What's he want with our daughter?
06:44Wait a second.
06:45Oh, this should be good.
06:48Her virgin hands.
06:49What?
06:50Think about it. He doesn't know her name two days ago. I go on a live stream. It blows up,
06:54obviously. I say she's never given a hand job. Word gets out. It spreads like wildfire. Boom. She's every middle
07:00school boy's fantasy.
07:01Really? Wouldn't he want experienced hands?
07:04He's already got one experienced hand. What's the fun in that? He invites her over to watch a movie? Come
07:08on. How transparent is that? Kids don't watch movies these days, hon. He's setting her up for a total jerk
07:14-a-thon.
07:14God damn it. He thinks he's slick. He doesn't know who he's fucking with.
07:18I would think that he would want experienced hands.
07:21What have I done? Now every boy in that class is going to want to plant their flag in her
07:25palms. We got to get in front of this.
07:27Do we gotta?
07:28Baby. Close your eyes.
07:32Okay.
07:33Do you remember the day Georgia was born?
07:35Mm-hmm.
07:36And the nurse laid her on your chest and it was just the three of us. I don't know where
07:39Georgia took that little baby hand and she wreathed up and stroked your face.
07:42Yeah.
07:43Now imagine that hand wrapped around Zach Hotchkiss' cock.
07:46Cum.
07:47Sticking between her fingers. Teenage jizz.
07:50Just in her palm, on her knuckles, in her fingernails. That's what we're up against, Leanne.
07:54Oh God.
07:55Oh да, you're right.
07:57You need to stop this.
07:58There she is.
07:59Oh God.
08:00Let's go. Come on.
08:01Oh no no no no.
08:10Put that phone down immediately.
08:12What? Why?
08:13You heard him. You put it down.
08:15We're nipping this in the bud. You're not going to Zach Hotchkiss' house. You can text him that. I'll wait.
08:20You just told me to put it down.
08:22You pick it up, and then you text him,
08:24and you just put it right back down.
08:26I can't go to my friend's house to watch a movie.
08:28That's fucking ridiculous.
08:29That's what you think this is all about?
08:30Well, what do you think it's about, Dad?
08:32Well, we were wondering if maybe Zach has ulterior motives.
08:39Like...
08:39He wants to do a handjob for you?
08:41Isla? We can take it from here?
08:42Is that really what you think?
08:44That's where all the information I have is leading me, yes.
08:47Well, maybe you're right.
08:49Maybe that is what he wants.
08:51And maybe that's what he's gonna get.
08:54Excuse me?
08:54Hey, you started this.
08:56It's up to me to finish it.
08:58Or finish him. Whatever you prefer.
09:01Oh!
09:01I prefer neither of those!
09:04Damn it!
09:07Well, that backfired.
09:08Yeah, I know, Isla.
09:09Yeah.
09:10What's the move now, Captain?
09:12Where's this little shit live?
09:13Beverly Park. Gated. Guardhouse. Hole nine.
09:17It's gonna be tough.
09:18Fuck.
09:19All right.
09:20I'll shake him down at school.
09:21No!
09:22You're banned.
09:23Maybe I could try talking to my pickup or something.
09:25What the fuck's that gonna do?
09:26We gotta scare the shit out of this kid.
09:28Isla, can you get me a schedule?
09:29Done song.
09:29Wait, how are you even gonna get...
09:30Don't worry about it.
09:31Okay, look.
09:32This is what we just talked about.
09:33We can't get into any more trouble.
09:34Hey, these are extenuating circumstances.
09:37Remember?
09:38Baby jizz hands.
09:39Oh, okay. Baby what?
09:40Don't worry about it.
09:41Don't worry about it.
09:41Listen, I will be in and out so quick,
09:43they won't even know I'm there.
09:43Okay, what about the guards?
09:44Isla, what do we know?
09:47Carl and Sanjay clock in at 6am.
09:53Sanjay takes his lunch at 11.45,
09:55leaving Carl alone for anywhere between 30 to 45 minutes,
09:58depending how long Sanjay's in the shitter after he eats.
10:02And that's our window.
10:08Four.
10:09Okay.
10:13What the fuck am I doing?
10:16Okay.
10:20Hey, Mrs. Chrysler.
10:22You forget something?
10:23Oh, yeah.
10:24Well, I don't know if you heard, but Georgie got suspended,
10:27so I'm just here picking up some of her...
10:29Oh, we heard.
10:29We got your husband's picture up in here.
10:31Oh, yeah.
10:32You don't need to worry about him.
10:34He will not be anywhere near here.
10:36He got your message loud and clear.
10:38Okay.
10:45Hey, what time do you get off, Carl?
10:49Oh, Mrs. Chrysler.
10:52What about your husband?
10:54Oh.
10:55Don't worry about him.
10:56We don't need to be thinking about him.
10:58Oh, okay.
11:26Hey, what are you doing here?
11:29Hey!
11:29God damn it, Isla.
11:30What happened to the 30-minute dump?
11:32Carl!
11:32Carl!
11:33Come in!
11:34Carl!
11:34Bird Chrysler is on campus.
11:35I repeat.
11:36Bird Chrysler is on campus.
11:37Come in!
11:38Sorry.
11:39Where were we?
11:47Carl!
11:48Come in!
11:51Please.
12:00Angel, huh?
12:03I would've pegged you as a moose guy.
12:07You know who I am?
12:09Uh, yeah.
12:11You're George's dad?
12:12Damn right I am.
12:13You've been poking around her DMs lately.
12:16Why the sudden interest?
12:18What do you mean?
12:19She's cool.
12:20Cool?
12:21Cool like a pair of inexperienced, clammy hands.
12:24Huh?
12:25Let me tell you what I know.
12:27You never want to be on a dad's bad side,
12:29where he feels like he can't communicate with you anymore,
12:31so he has to break into your house in the middle of the night
12:34and strangle you in your bed.
12:36Now, let me tell you what you don't know.
12:39I have a Desert Eagle .50 caliber,
12:41and sometimes when I get really drunk,
12:43I like to hold it next to a pillow
12:44and pretend it's a little boy's head.
12:45Mr. Chrysler.
12:46Hey, Doc.
12:47How you doing?
12:48What are you doing on campus?
12:50Oh, I'm just chatting to my boy Zach here.
12:52Isn't that right, Zach?
12:53You're threatening me.
12:54What?
12:55Threatening you?
12:56Buddy, that's locker room talk.
12:58God, kids these days are so soft.
13:00Zach, go to class.
13:04I'll see you later, buddy.
13:08Sorry, Dr. Jeff.
13:09He passes by somehow.
13:11It's okay, Sanjay.
13:13He's here to see me.
13:15You sure?
13:16Carl should be on his way.
13:17We have zip ties and everything.
13:19Zip ties?
13:19I would love to see you try to put a zip tie on me, big boy.
13:22Oh, I'll get this on you,
13:24and then I'll go to town on your ass.
13:26Oh, you'll go to town on my ass?
13:28Jeff, do you hear what he's saying to me?
13:29Nobody's going to town on anybody's ass.
13:32I'll take it from here, Sanjay.
13:34Yeah, he'll handle it from here, Sanjay.
13:45Oh.
13:49Why don't you come to my office?
13:56What you got going on tonight?
13:57Oh, I'm probably just, you know,
14:00flying in different schools.
14:02Oh, I gotta go!
14:03Thank you so much!
14:04Bye!
14:05Oh!
14:06Yo!
14:07Yo!
14:09Damn.
14:14Is this related in any way
14:16to the Kirsten beatdown you took the other day?
14:19I wouldn't exactly say it was a beatdown.
14:21Looked like one from where I was sitting.
14:23You're nothing with your shirt on.
14:25That cut deep, didn't it?
14:27No.
14:28No, I didn't.
14:29Not at all.
14:29This whole shirtless thing.
14:34Where does it come from?
14:36Why is it so important to you?
14:38Why do people keep bringing this up?
14:39Well, you kind of lead with it pretty hard.
14:42It's just me.
14:43It's like freedom and fun and fuck everyone else,
14:45and who gives a fuck?
14:46Middle finger to the world,
14:47I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks type shit.
14:50What if I said it's all a defense mechanism?
14:54Like, you actually do give a fuck,
14:57and you desperately want to fit in,
14:59so you intentionally sabotage yourself
15:02so that no one else gets to decide.
15:05The shirtless, rebellious, fat party guy
15:09is what everyone wants you to be.
15:15Who does Bert want to be?
15:18I don't know.
15:20I never thought about it.
15:22Well, maybe it's time you did.
15:24Maybe it's time you tried something new.
15:29Like what?
15:30For example, instead of waging war with a teenager,
15:34maybe you try a more mature approach,
15:37like sitting down with his parents.
15:39Getting them hammered,
15:40find their weakness,
15:40use it against them.
15:41I'm smart. I like that.
15:42No, no, no, no.
15:43No one's going to be impressed
15:44with how much beer you can chug.
15:46Have an honest conversation.
15:49Be open.
15:50Be vulnerable.
15:51People really do that.
15:52And talk less.
15:55Much less.
15:56And listen.
15:57Ask questions.
15:59Show interest in their lives.
16:01That sounds fucking crazy.
16:03You want your daughter to fit in, right?
16:05Maybe it starts with you fitting in,
16:07blending in,
16:08and living life
16:10with your shirt
16:13on.
16:17Wow.
16:22That's a huge fucking note, Doc.
16:25Yeah.
16:25It's a total rethink.
16:26It's like asking Gallagher to stop smashing watermelons.
16:30No.
16:31That's not at all.
16:32Like asking Carrot Top to loose the trunk of toys.
16:35These are horrible comps.
16:36Well, the point is your thing's not working.
16:40So why not make an adjustment?
16:43Start small.
16:46Something with sleeves.
16:49And buttons.
16:53Something like this.
16:55Wait.
16:56Something like that?
16:57Or that?
16:59Go on.
17:00Take it for a spin.
17:02Can I help you?
17:03No.
17:03No.
17:05No.
17:06No.
17:07No.
17:09No.
17:10No.
17:10No.
17:10No.
17:16No.
17:32No.
17:33I'm Burt Kreischer.
17:34Oh my God, I didn't recognize you with a shirt on.
17:37And not insulting people at a comedy club.
17:39That's fair.
17:40I deserve that.
17:43Can I come in?
17:50Thank you so much.
17:51What a beautiful foyer you have here.
17:55There you go.
17:57Yeah.
18:05So, what's up?
18:08Well, I don't know if you heard of this brewing romance
18:11between your son and my daughter, but I thought, you know,
18:14the best way to deal with something like this is to sit down,
18:17man to man, and just talk about it, like two adults.
18:22Well, I appreciate that.
18:23Yeah.
18:24I mean, if I've learned anything from this Vanderthal debacle,
18:28they said the best way to approach relationships is to be honest and
18:32open and just be vulnerable.
18:36Huh.
18:37Makes a lot of sense.
18:38You know what I always say?
18:40If we're not going from our mistakes, why are we even making them?
18:43Totally.
18:44Yeah.
18:44What's that from?
18:45Who said that?
18:46Just me.
18:48Just now.
18:50Wow.
18:50Good for you.
18:51Yeah.
18:52So I was wondering if maybe you could sit down and talk to Zach,
18:56maybe say, you know, George is a little young to be dating.
19:01Yeah, sure, I can talk to him.
19:04He's just been pretty emotional lately.
19:08I don't want to pile on.
19:09Oh.
19:11What's going on?
19:15It's, uh, I probably shouldn't talk about it.
19:23You can, if you want.
19:28Be vulnerable, huh?
19:30That's my motto.
19:33It's just, uh, Zach's having surgery in a couple of weeks and he's, uh,
19:44he's pretty nervous about it.
19:46Hey.
19:48I'm listening.
20:00Zach was actually born without a scrotum, which prevented his testicles from dropping
20:08since they had nowhere to go.
20:09Sure.
20:10That makes sense.
20:11So the, the doctors had to, had to construct this artificial sack, which held up fairly
20:17well until a couple of months ago, until the, the lining started to tear.
20:20Jesus Christ.
20:21Yeah.
20:22So now, unfortunately, he's going to have a top to bottom scrotal reconstruction and
20:26his second orchopexy.
20:27Number two.
20:28You believe that?
20:29What's an orchopexy?
20:30So that's the procedure when they, they staple the nuts to the sack and then they staple
20:35the sack to his inner thigh, you know, just to, to, to induce the drop.
20:39You know, it's.
20:41Oh my God.
20:42Yeah.
20:43Yeah.
20:47It actually feels good to, to get that out.
20:50Thank you for listening.
20:52Not a lot of people do that anymore.
20:55Yeah.
20:55I love listening.
20:57Sometimes I like it better than talking.
21:00It's just who I am.
21:04Okay.
21:05So you just sound out the letters of the word.
21:07Okay.
21:07What does that say?
21:09I see.
21:10Are you kidding?
21:11Zach blocked me.
21:13Huh.
21:13Why is the P even there?
21:15Oh, the P is silent, baby.
21:16Just, you know, something.
21:17Who the fuck decided that?
21:18Hello.
21:19Oh, hi.
21:22I've been texting you.
21:23Is everything okay?
21:25Yeah.
21:26Absolutely perfect.
21:27What's with the shirt?
21:28Yeah.
21:28Where'd you find that?
21:29What, this?
21:30Yeah.
21:31I'm trying out a new look.
21:32What do you guys think?
21:33Why?
21:34If it ain't broke.
21:35It is broke.
21:36You know what?
21:38You're right.
21:40Honey, I may have come in hot the other day and overstepped a little bit.
21:44But if you want to date Zach, you should date Zach.
21:50What's going on?
21:51Are you fucking with me?
21:52Mm-mm.
21:52Mom, is he fucking with me again?
21:54I honestly don't know, sweetie.
21:56No.
21:56I just took a step back and realized you have great judgment.
22:01And hey, I trust you.
22:04Okay.
22:04So, hypothetically, if I were to decide to, let's say, give Zach a hand job, you'd be fine with that?
22:13Hey.
22:14If that's what the moment calls for, and Zach obviously is physically able to receive said hand job, then go
22:22for it.
22:24Doesn't matter anyway, because he's not texting me back.
22:27Guess he came to the census, huh?
22:28Shut the fuck up, Isla.
22:30No one likes your voice.
22:31I'm obviously with you.
22:32So can you shut us?
22:38Okay, okay, okay.
22:39Sit down right now.
22:40Okay, okay.
22:41What is going on?
22:46Zach Hodgkiss doesn't have a scrotum.
22:50What?
22:50I mean, he had one.
22:51But it was artificial and it ruptured or something, and now they have to build him a new one.
22:54Wait, wait, wait, wait. He has an artificial scrotum.
22:56I don't know.
22:57I'm not a fucking doctor, Leanne.
22:58Jesus Christ.
22:58His nuts didn't have anywhere to go.
23:00They never dropped, so they've got to build a sack, so they have somewhere to go.
23:02But I think you're missing the point.
23:03What is the point?
23:04The point is, it is a very long road to a hand job for this kid.
23:09Oh.
23:10Right?
23:10We get to look like cool, supportive parents the whole time, knowing no one's jacking anyone off.
23:15Oh, wow.
23:16Oh, it's like a gift from God.
23:18I know.
23:19How did you find this out?
23:20His dad told me.
23:22What?
23:22Yeah.
23:23I put on Dr. Jeff's shirt, went over to his house, had an adult conversation.
23:26The dude ended up crying on my shoulder.
23:29Dr. Jeff's shirt?
23:30Yeah, this is Dr. Jeff's shirt.
23:31I went to his office.
23:32He has a ton of them.
23:32It's like he's obsessed with them.
23:33It's all this idea.
23:34And guess what?
23:35Randy Hotchkiss fucking loves me.
23:37Oh.
23:37And he's going to put in a good word with the Vanderfox for us.
23:41Wow.
23:42Yeah.
23:43Okay.
23:43Who's the ugly side now?
23:45Not this guy.
23:46I can't believe I've been doing it wrong for so long.
23:49It was so easy.
23:51How about you keep the shirt on?
23:52Oh.
23:53And I show you my scrotum.
23:54Yeah.
23:55This is the change I needed.
24:01And it's long overdue.
24:05The old bird, a thing of the past.
24:09This is who I am now.
24:41Talk to you next time,
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