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Watch Free Bert Season 1 Episode 6 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:06You
00:06You'll split my balls or literally on fire
00:12First 48 are always the worst it'll be smooth sailing it. I hope so. Mr. Barclays is next week
00:17Oh, please. He'll be yanking it non-stop by then from your lips to God's ears
00:36So mrs. Kreischer is it your assertion that you baked these cookies yourself using vegetable oil? Yes
00:43At least that's what the label said, but you're questioning the validity of that
00:47Well, it's the only plausible explanation for how peanut oil got into my cookies
00:52And do you have any way of proving that this mislabeling occurred? Do you have any way of proving?
00:59that it didn't
01:03All right, see let's grab some lunch
01:08Wow
01:09You were something in there. Yeah, okay. Good
01:13Happy to help anyway. I can't I just want to make this right. Oh, I so appreciate that. Yeah
01:19I mean, welter did say it's a long shot though. Seriously. Yeah, he's kind of worried. It'll come across far
01:25-fetched
01:26Huh? I know that's for me, too
01:28And he mentioned something about how the jury might find the whole thing complete bullshit
01:33Does that make sense? I mean
01:36Yes and no. Yeah
01:38Look, they say cases are won and lost in jury selection. So I think if we're smart about that
01:43Sure, sure. But I think the concern he had there was that no one in the jury pool would be
01:48stupid enough to buy any of this crap
01:50I don't know. I'm not a lawyer
01:52Why? That's disappointing
01:55Well, I guess we took it as far as we could
01:57Hmm. There is one last thing Walter said we could do, but I don't want you to feel uncomfortable
02:02You know what? I will do whatever it takes to help you win this thing
02:05Great. I'm so happy to hear you say that. I'll schedule the polygraph for tomorrow
02:11Polygraph?
02:16Maybe I could try to beat it. I could take a couple of Xanax, get my blood pressure down
02:20Jesus, what am I saying?
02:23Oh, you put up a good fight, hon
02:25Sometimes it's best to know when to fold them
02:26Yeah
02:27It's easy to know when
02:29Yeah, it's tough to watch
02:32So, the guys never figured out who leaked the surgery?
02:35Landon didn't, he never got on your phone?
02:38Mm-mm
02:38He didn't even try to log in from a different device, nothing?
02:40No, they're not tech savvy, I guess
02:42Doesn't Randy own a software company?
02:45Oh, I think it went under
02:46Probably because he fucking sucked at it
02:48And Kirsten?
02:49What, are you writing a fucking book? I haven't heard from her
02:52Well, just goes to show you
02:53Blackmail doesn't work, you know
02:56As long as you're willing to stand strong
02:58Some semblance of a spine
03:00Yeah
03:11Dad, get your ass in here!
03:14What is...
03:14Oh, fuck me!
03:16What is happening?
03:17Fuck, it fucking tore
03:18It fucking tore!
03:19They're gonna fall out
03:20They're gonna fall
03:20I'm telling you, they're gonna fall out
03:22They're gonna be on the fucking ground
03:24Ground, ground, ground
03:25I did not expect this to happen at all
03:27I have a lot of people to thank, so let's get through it
03:29First, let me say thank you to the student body
03:31Who clearly have excellent taste
03:33Uh, now, it's the people who got
03:37Hi
03:40What do you think?
03:41My sparkles material?
03:44They should be so lucky
03:47Thank you
03:48I have to admit though, it does feel really weird
03:50To like, fit in
03:51After being an outcast for so long
03:55Yeah, exciting times
03:58But in the off chance that tonight
04:00Your name isn't the one that's announced as a winner
04:03I just want you to know
04:04I'm proud of you
04:06Thanks
04:07But winning would be cool
04:09Yeah
04:09You know, a lot of people say runner-up
04:11Is sometimes as good, if not better, than winning
04:15Really? People say that?
04:16Of course winning's important
04:17But there's so much to learn when you lose
04:19Yeah, that's true
04:20But I still rather win, so
04:22You know who won?
04:23John F. Kennedy
04:24They shot him
04:25You know what they say
04:27Heavy is the crown
04:28I've never heard that
04:29I don't think
04:30Either way
04:31It's kinda nice to know your name was in the conversation, right?
04:33I don't really give a fuck about the conversation
04:35Yeah
04:36Well, it's out of our hands
04:37Well, thank you dad
04:38It's out of our hands
04:39Yeah
04:39Alright
04:40Dad?
04:41Yeah?
04:42One more thing
04:42I just wanna say thank you
04:44Hmm?
04:45For everything
04:46Um
04:47I have to admit
04:48I doubted you
04:49Like, every step of the way
04:51But
04:52You really came through
04:53So, thank you
04:56Yeah
04:57You're welcome
04:59Love you
05:00Yeah, I love you too
05:08Go straight down the hall
05:09Have a great night
05:10Hi Shane
05:12Hey
05:12Well, don't you look nice
05:14Thank you, Ms. Rossmeyer
05:15It was quite the process
05:16It took all hands on deck
05:17Okay
05:18Hey, go somewhere
05:19Just go
05:20Go
05:20Georgia, you can check in down the hall
05:22Perfect, thank you
05:23We are so proud of you
05:24You got this
05:25Thank you guys
05:26Go get them
05:29You're not nervous, are you?
05:31No
05:33I imagine you've played a room this size before
05:35Yeah
05:36I have
05:37Usually they're a little more wasted, but
05:39You know
05:41Right
05:41And you had your stick to fall back on
05:44Hey
05:44Yeah
05:46Yeah
05:46Yeah
05:47Yeah
05:48All right, I gotta go
05:48I love you
05:49Okay
05:49Break a leg, I love you
05:50All right
05:51Awesome
05:52Duquette
05:54Hey, can I ask you about the funding for the new gym coming
05:58Oh my God, what a huge win
06:01And it wouldn't have been possible without your husband
06:03His vote put it over the top
06:05His vote, yeah
06:07He has been such a great addition to the Barclays community
06:10I gotta say, he's really surprised me
06:15Yeah
06:16Yeah
06:16You would need both
06:19Mrs. Kreischer
06:22You have a minute?
06:33You have an opening joke?
06:35Besides yourself?
06:40Yeah, Kirsten
06:41As a matter of fact, I do
06:43Great
06:45Well, I just wanted to check in
06:47Make sure you're feeling okay with the new arrangement
06:50I'm really happy with it
06:51It feels like a nice tweak on what we originally set up, right?
06:55Yeah
06:56It's so much better
06:58And my dad just had way more leverage
07:00You don't do what he wants
07:02Your whole world crumbles
07:05It's just clean
07:06You know
07:08You don't have to do this
07:10Is this really the way you want to win?
07:13Where does this need for popularity come from, Kirsten?
07:18Are you trying to fill some sort of a void?
07:21Hey, kiddo
07:22I'm here
07:24And I'm listening
07:27Yeah, that bullshit doesn't work on me
07:29Okay, got it
07:31Okay, well I'll let you do your thing
07:33I imagine you have some
07:36Button reinforcement to tend to
07:49I'm a little concerned about Bert
07:52Have you noticed any unusual behavior?
07:55Yeah
07:57You could say that
07:58Well, I feel I'm partially at fault
08:01Maybe we overcorrected a bit
08:03You think?
08:04Worried he's running with the wrong crowd
08:06And he's in too deep
08:09Acceptance is like a drug, Leanne
08:11And they've got Bert hooked on it
08:14Okay, now you're scaring me
08:16Well, you might want to buckle up for the next part
08:20Have you ever heard the name
08:22Jean
08:25Magnuson?
08:40Simple fucking orgy impact you
08:41But you had to get high out of your fucking stuff
08:43It's not that big a deal
08:45Oh, it's not that big a deal
08:45The kids in a fucking wheelchair
08:47Because of you
08:47Hey, hey, hey
08:48Look at me
08:48That wasn't me
08:49That was Ezekiel
08:50Hey, what the fuck is going on here?
08:52We have a leak
08:53Yeah, we've discussed that, Glenn
08:54No, no, no, a different kind of leak, Bert
08:56Zach is new sack ruptured
08:57So now he's got a leak
08:58He's got spermatic fluid
08:59Who's it out everywhere
09:01All cause this fucking cocksucker fucked up
09:03Relax
09:03You better pray to the fucking god
09:05This doesn't ruin his chances tonight
09:07I will fucking hate you, Liam
09:09I will fucking hate you, Liam
09:10I will fucking hate you
09:10Do something, Glenn
09:12Fuck
09:12Well, you heard him
09:14I swear to god, Emma
09:15This is on me now?
09:16On top of all the other stuff?
09:23So, this guy was like a friend of theirs?
09:26They were inseparable
09:28Until they weren't
09:30What happened?
09:33Gene got spooked
09:35Wanted out
09:37Only problem was
09:40He knew too much
09:42So they killed him?
09:44What?
09:45No
09:46Oh
09:47Well, the way that he said it totally made it seem like
09:50They ruined him
09:52Found a pressure point
09:54And squeezed
09:57Till he couldn't take it anymore
09:59His whole life imploded
10:01He lost everything
10:05His wife
10:07Kids
10:09That's awful
10:11You're not suggesting this could happen to Bird
10:13Are you?
10:15Eh
10:16I'm sure I'm just being paranoid
10:18It's not like they have something they can use against him
10:22Right
10:22We're probably fine
10:26Forgot we had this talk
10:29Yeah, forgot
10:31Oh
10:33Ladies and gentlemen, your headmaster, Miriam Rossmire
10:44Good evening
10:45Good evening
10:46And welcome to the 8th grade Mr. and Ms. Barclay's coronation
10:52Our school's most prestigious honor
10:55It represents the values we hold so dearly
10:58Honesty
10:59Honesty
11:00Integrity
11:01Compassion
11:02Past title holders include
11:04Academy Award winner Colin Firth
11:06Entrepreneur and Influencer Emilia Gray Hamlin
11:10And
11:11Dance Moms Champion
11:12JoJo Siwa
11:16Now, before I bring out our MC for the evening
11:20I'd like to thank all of our generous donors
11:23The Davenports
11:26$750,000
11:27Hey
11:28You good?
11:29Yeah, I'm fine
11:31Why?
11:31I don't know
11:32You don't seem like yourself
11:36Is there anything that you want to tell me?
11:40No
11:41Nothing I can think of
11:42No, nothing
11:43Not even that you lied about voting to defund the LD's apartment
11:46The entire reason that we came to this school
11:48What the fuck hurt?
11:50I didn't know
11:51They tricked me
11:52And hey, I'm gonna fix it
11:53We just gotta stay in these guys good graces
11:55I'll keep my board seat and it's all gonna be fine
11:57At what cost?
11:58Whatever the fuck it takes, Leanne
11:59Okay?
12:00We're so close to sticking the landing
12:01We can't throw it away now
12:06They found out it was you who told Kirsten, didn't they?
12:09And now they're using it against you
12:11But for what?
12:14No
12:16Tell me that you're not actually thinking of
12:18It's Ms. Barklage
12:19Not a fucking Senate seat, okay?
12:21And trust me
12:21You know, George will get over it so much quicker
12:23Than it'll take for us to start over
12:25Remember, hey
12:26We're doing this for our girls
12:28Are you sure about that?
12:30This man would be receiving it
12:31Without further ado
12:33Burt Kreischer
12:49Thank you, Miriam
12:50That's my dad
12:51Wow
12:52Colin Firth and Jojo Siwa
12:54Now that's a sex tape I'd pay for
12:57No?
12:58Nothing?
12:59All right
13:00We got a lot of kids in the room
13:01So I figure I'd start off with a fun joke
13:03What did Mr. T say
13:05After he pushed 50 Cent in the pool?
13:08How fitting the pool?
13:11If you want to date Zack
13:13You should date Zack
13:14And he is physically able to receive
13:16Said handjob
13:17A lot of parents have a no blanket policy
13:19Not us, not us, not us
13:21All right
13:22Let's announce Mr. Barklage, huh?
13:24Miriam, the envelope, please
13:30Thank you
13:32This year's Mr. Barklage crown goes to
13:38Zack Hotchkiss
13:40Yeah!
13:41Yeah!
13:41Woo!
13:47Zack, wheel yourself up here, buddy
13:58And now, for Ms. Barklage
14:03Miriam, the envelope, please
14:08Thank you very much, Miriam
14:33This is a big moment
14:35Someone's life is about to change
14:37The ultimate honor
14:40Acceptance by your peers
14:41It's what we all want
14:44I know I did
14:46And I got it
14:47I went from being a pariah
14:50To on the board
14:51In just a matter of weeks
14:53And all I had to do
14:55Was change every single thing about me
15:01And compromise
15:02Every value
15:03I've ever had
15:08I turned into someone
15:09I didn't even recognize
15:11Just for a seat at the table
15:15And tonight
15:17I'm supposed to open this envelope
15:18And say someone's name
15:20No matter what the card says
15:22Cause that's the deal I made
15:23With Landon Vanderthal
15:26I got manipulated
15:28Brilliant tactic, actually
15:30He blackmailed me
15:31While he was getting his dick sucked
15:32To the strip club
15:34He threw me off my game
15:36Dill
15:37Dill
15:37Carl, Sanjay
15:39Need you in the auditorium
15:40ASAP
15:40Because
15:41I was afraid to tell my daughter the truth
15:44I was using my world class pedophile powers
15:46To seduce her boyfriend
15:49Sweetie, Zach was using you to get to me
15:52I only have myself to blame
15:55I cut off my own balls
15:58But I realize now
16:00You can't take your balls for granted
16:02Can you, Zach?
16:05So tonight
16:06I'm reclaiming mine
16:11Listen up, fuckers
16:13I'm done giving the fuck
16:15And unlike a lot of the lips, tits, and asses in this room
16:18I'm done being fake as fuck
16:20Carl, do you copy?
16:22I'm done fucking wearing this shit
16:24I've been tucking my shirt in for two months
16:27It's so uncomfortable
16:29What the fuck are you people doing?
16:31I'm done changing in my car
16:33I'm done carrying a goddamn garment bag
16:36I'm done showering at a country club
16:39With uncircumcised men
16:40I'm done sauntering with uncircumcised men
16:43I'm done with uncircumcised men
16:45I'm done sitting back
16:47While a bunch of pussy pics from women in this room
16:49Get passed around and analyzed
16:51Ladies, if your gynecologist is Dr. Shestak
16:54I get a new gynecologist
16:58And I will not sit silently
17:01While votes are bought
17:03On the board by the parents with the deepest pockets
17:06Guys, a new gymnasium
17:08Our kids are white
17:09They're not going pro
17:10We need to keep the LD department
17:13And I know that because my vote was bought
17:15And they said ask no questions
17:17Carl, Sandy, where the fuck are you guys?
17:19Well, I'm gonna start asking some fucking questions
17:22Like what the fuck are we teaching our kids?
17:25That if you put on a uniform and you conform
17:28Lose your uniqueness, lose your originality
17:30Dole down your sparkle
17:32That that's the Barklage way
17:34For the simple price tag of $47,000
17:37And every ounce of your dignity
17:39Well, fuck that
17:41So here's what I'm gonna do
17:42I'm gonna open this fucking envelope
17:45And read whatever goddamn name is on this fucking card
17:49Because I am my own man
17:51I will not be bought
17:52I'm a fucking lone wolf
17:54Who sits on top of the mountain
17:55Paws crossed, howling at the moon
17:57And I don't care who I piss off
17:59Ladies and gentlemen, who's ready for Miss Barklage?
18:04Gotcha!
18:08This year's Mrs. Fucking Barklage is
18:15Kirsten Vanderthal
18:16Oh my god!
18:17Oh my god!
18:28Wow, wow! Thank you!
18:30Thank you so much! I was so not expecting this
18:33I have so many people to thank
18:35Um, congratulations to you
18:37That's the man that I'm married
18:40That wasn't funny, was it?
18:42Oh, not really
18:42The big man's back, guys
18:44I am back, I was so fucking lost
18:46Yeah, you definitely were
18:48Hey, I am so sorry
18:50You must be disappointed
18:52About me losing Miss Barklage?
18:54Or you setting me up with Zach
18:56Because you knew I couldn't give him a handjob
18:58Wait, when did you figure that out?
19:00You almost pulled it off
19:02So fucking close
19:03Hey, I'm sorry
19:06I messed up
19:07So big
19:08It's when you walked on campus that first day
19:10And no one talked to you
19:10It broke my heart
19:11And I just thought
19:12I wanted to make her popular
19:13And from that moment on
19:14Everything's been spiraling out of control
19:16I hope you ever forgive me
19:18But, I don't want it that way
19:21Oh, fucking integrity on this kid
19:23Whose child is this?
19:24I have no idea
19:25Guys, I wasn't even going to give him a handjob
19:28Wait, who are we going to give him a handjob?
19:30No, I don't even know what that is
19:32Oh fuck, I wish I knew that earlier
19:33Yeah, me too
19:35At least you know your dad's heart
19:37Was in the right place
19:39Even though his brain
19:40Was nowhere to be found
19:42Oh
19:44I love you too
19:45Come on
19:46Come on
19:47And in the immortal words of former Miss Barklage
19:50Julianne Margulies
19:52You are loved
19:54You are worth it
19:55And I will always fight with you
20:00Thank you
20:05Alright guys, ready?
20:06Handjobs on three
20:08One, two, three
20:12Handjobs!
20:13Oh shit
20:15I thought we were friends
20:16Oh come on, no you didn't
20:18You know this isn't over
20:20Once I repair my marriage
20:22And my standing at the school
20:23And do whatever community service I might be facing
20:27I will come for you
20:28Nothing I haven't seen before
20:29Well I just need to use my voice to express how absolutely vile that was
20:34No one gives a fuck about your stupid voice
20:36Does that make sense?
20:39Hey, Leanne baked those cookies
20:41I saw Leanne bake those cookies
20:42And I'll testify in a court of law that Leanne baked those cookies
20:46Me too
20:48Me too
20:52Wait, what are we doing?
20:53We're perjuring ourselves, don't worry about it
20:55Hey Georgia
20:55Oh this is awkward
20:56Hey Zach
20:58I'm sorry
20:59But I led you on
21:01Yeah, I think you misread the situation
21:04It was just being nice to you so I could hang out with your daughter
21:08I actually really like her
21:09You do?
21:09You do?
21:10Okay
21:13Georgia
21:13Georgia
21:14Hit me up
21:15I'll be out of this chair in a couple weeks
21:17And I'll be good to go
21:23Well, well, well
21:25Oh, here we go, it's getting worse
21:27The leopard always shows his spots, huh?
21:31There will be consequences for this
21:32I assume that
21:33In the meantime, Carl and Sanjay will make sure you get to your car
21:38Sanjay, you put those zip ties on me
21:40And it'll be the last thing you do on this planet
21:42Yup
21:44Alright, I'll see you guys later
21:46I love you
21:46We love you!
21:55Hey, Bert!
22:06Yeah, Bert!
22:33Myriam, you may be able to silence me, but you'll never silence all of us
22:38Alright, let's go, buddy
22:41Come on, Bert!
22:43We love you, Bert!
22:44I fucking love you!
22:47We fucking love you!
22:49I fucking love you!
22:51You, Bert!
22:56Bert, Gene Magazine
22:59Call me
23:00We have a lot to discuss
23:10What a problem!
23:19You, Bert!
23:19What a problem!
23:26Have a problem your mind has more done.
23:27Can you talk about nothing and the world...
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