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مسلسل Can You Keep a Secret مترجم - Episode 1
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00:23I shouldn't drive with that. Blind spot.
00:26Yeah, I know.
00:27It's dangerous, Harold. It's illegal.
00:35It's meant to commemorate Dad, but if we don't plant it soon, it'll die.
00:38Which would make it not a memorial if Dad, more of a reenactment.
00:41But today's not good, cos I've got Widow Club with Billy and Jean and Pamela.
00:45Pamela's not a widow.
00:46I know, but Jean worries that she's lonely. It's annoying.
00:49Sweet, though.
00:51We have good fun, to be fair.
00:53We have our own secret handshake, like the Masons.
00:56I'd like to see that.
00:57Yeah, well, you can't. You're not a widow.
01:04Pigfish has struck again.
01:05Oh, no, don't tell me.
01:06I've got to buy him a chippity.
01:07Now, he's a criminal, not a stray cat.
01:10I just want to keep him out of trouble.
01:12He is the trouble. He puts petrol pumps up his arse.
01:15It's a cry for help, Harry.
01:17If you did that, would you want to be judged or cared for?
01:19Well, I wouldn't do it.
01:20He can't say that with any certainty.
01:22I'd have to be at a pretty low ebb to start doing that.
01:24Anyway, you know, petrol makes me sneeze.
01:26Right, look, I'm gonna be late.
01:28Can you pick the boys up tonight?
01:29Yeah, of course, yeah.
01:30Good lad.
01:31Love you.
01:32I love you. Woof, woof.
01:33Meow.
01:34Woof, woof.
01:37Tea, wasn't it?
01:38Ah, yes, please.
01:39Well, we haven't got any bags, sir.
01:40That's coffee.
01:41Actually, we haven't got any milk, so that's Jakob.
01:47Do you mind if I stretch while we chat?
01:50It's very important after jogging.
01:52Right.
01:52Except you don't jog.
01:54Of course I jog.
01:55You just saw me.
01:57Are you joking?
01:57That was not jogging.
01:58What was it then?
01:59Walking.
02:00You're wearing furry slippers.
02:02Harold, would you for once, for the love of God and all that is holy,
02:06not find something to criticise?
02:09Yeah, sorry.
02:10I mean, I did bring a list, but I guess I can wait.
02:12But I'm very glad you're here.
02:14Clearly.
02:16Got something for you?
02:17Oh, no, you've not been to the charity shop again, have you?
02:27Jesus Christ.
02:29The money from your dad's life insurance finally came through.
02:32In cash?
02:33What do you do, take insurance out with the cartel?
02:35No, that was my decision.
02:37You know how I feel about the banks after what they did to Noel Evans.
02:42There you are.
02:43£10,000.
02:45I'll get you a carrier bag.
02:49Oh, my gosh.
02:52Harold.
02:53What's wrong?
02:55Are you crying?
02:57Oh, sorry.
02:58I thought I was cheering you up.
03:00Well, by reducing my dad to a bag of cash.
03:03I was impressed by how much we got for him.
03:09I didn't think I'd miss him like this.
03:12It's just, you know, on TV shows, people say, you know, she's my mum, but she's also my best friend.
03:17Yeah.
03:18Well, obviously, we've never heard that.
03:21Mm-hmm.
03:22Now he's not here, I've realised that was my best friend.
03:26Oh, Harold.
03:27You really should have friends your own age.
03:31You're all right, though, aren't you?
03:34Yeah.
03:34Sort of.
03:35I mean, the doctor's put me on antidepressants.
03:38What?
03:39He hasn't.
03:39It was a she, actually.
03:40Harold, why have they done that to you?
03:43You're not depressed, are you?
03:44You've got nothing to be depressed about.
03:47Why don't you come and talk to me?
03:48It's not a big deal.
03:49It's not.
03:50I mean, lots of people take them.
03:51Yeah, but they're people from broken homes.
03:54Tattooed whack-its with proper problems, like, erm...
03:57There's a pig fish.
03:58You know pig fish in town?
03:59Oh, yeah.
04:00Yeah.
04:00Yeah, you know that he puts petrol pumps...
04:02Yeah, I know.
04:03Right.
04:04Did you know that Pamela has to clean off the nozzles?
04:06If anyone should be on antidepressants, it's her.
04:11I didn't know you felt like this.
04:14Didn't know you felt anything.
04:18Is it my fault?
04:20No.
04:22Maybe a bit is.
04:23You know, 85%.
04:25But I can't pin it all on you.
04:26No, because your dad deserves his fair share.
04:30Oh, Harold.
04:32I'm sorry.
04:33So am I.
04:40What?
04:43Nothing.
04:44I just...
04:48Mum.
04:53Look.
04:55Can you keep a secret?
04:58What is it?
05:00Wait there.
05:26Oh, my God.
05:30Dad.
05:31Oh, my God.
05:32I didn't want to do it.
05:34I didn't want to do it.
05:57I didn't want to do it.
06:09you're probably wondering what's been going on no not at all oh I think he's
06:14being sarcastic are you being sarcastic of course I'm being sarcastic why didn't
06:19you tell me we thought it best to lie low until the money came through they're
06:23very nosy those insurance people yeah some might say for good reason
06:28fair point you let me think you were dead for two months yeah we've been meaning to
06:33tell you but it's been complicated complicated yeah has it because right now
06:39you're acting like you forgot about the bins out okay we'll take that as
06:44feedback yeah did you put the bins out it's not Tuesdays oh William have you
06:49missed the bin no sorry I thought it was Thursday it is Thursday no the bins go out
06:53on a Tuesday I don't know about your bins but today is Thursday is it so we have
06:56missed the bins then stop over the bins please stop how are you alive well it's
07:03actually it's quite a funny story really
07:06it was a normal Wednesday evening we've been watching TV
07:12Border Force Australia if you've seen it it's very very good
07:16some of the stuff they try and smuggle in is extraordinary especially dare I say
07:20the Chinese oh don't be racist not being racist
07:23they're just fascinated by their ingenuity there's one couple travel all
07:28the way from Shanghai to Sydney with 700 boiled eggs hidden in cuckoo clocks
07:34what's all that about don't care oh anyway your mother went to make a cup of tea
07:40I'll be the one who makes it then shall I thank you very much
07:49and and we didn't have any tea bags you never have any bloody tea bags don't swear
07:53oh please just get on with it so I nip to the shops
08:02should have checked your blind spot oh shut up Harold when I got back your dad was completely zonked
08:10out for the count it's my own silly fault really sometimes I struggle to remember when I've taken my
08:16parky pills and that night I was meant to take my date o'clock and I am but then I
08:21remembered that
08:22I'd forgotten to take them earlier in the day so I thought aha I'll take a double dose now and
08:30catch up
08:30unfortunately because of the Parkinson's what I'd forgotten to remember it is that I'd actually not
08:35forgotten to remember to take them earlier in the day in fact I remembered earlier that that I would
08:41more than likely forget to take them later so I took a double dose earlier in order to get ahead
08:47for when I forgot later which all in all long story short I took 16 pills which frankly is enough
08:55to
08:55tranquilize a hippopotamus and that's a full-size one not not one of the pygmy ones although they are
09:01lovely aren't they you know the little snouts and everything you know the snuffly noises anyway yes
09:11he completely stopped breathing William William wake up don't be silly now stop it William oh look
09:22he's here the girls are here look there's your favourites yum yum yum no William stop mucking about
09:34Susanna Reid's got a skirt on no William oh god oh god oh god so I called for an ambulance
09:45but they
09:46were all busy so then I called the GP now unfortunately the GP around here is Dr. Harper why unfortunately
09:55because since Covid Dr. Harper has developed very very very bad health anxiety she's a doctor with
10:07health anxiety yeah poor woman every working day her own personal Vietnam I don't really want to touch
10:14him but but he's no he's not breathing I really don't like doing these what do you mean these dead
10:19bodies he's dead looks it doesn't he well I don't know I'm not I'm not a doctor I'll double check
10:26what's he called again William William can you hear me William William William
10:44yeah no do you have the time what for for the form time of
11:00she's just crap
11:19oh did you manage to record the rest of border force I really want to know why that man's cricket
11:25bag was
11:25full of live crabs what you massive twat it turns out I hadn't died no shit why didn't you tell
11:36someone
11:36it was a mistake we tried I was on hold with the GP all bloody morning it's broken Britain Harold
11:44anyway then I went over to see the um oh what do you call it the house of death the
11:49coffin shop
11:50funeral director yes yes wait why there was no body well you'd have thought that wouldn't you
12:01it's dead you can't speak you can't tell you can I didn't lose it somebody lost it didn't it
12:05good afternoon madam hello I hope you can help me it's about my husband of course name William Fendon
12:12William Fendon you see the thing is he's been declared dead and um so sorry for your loss would
12:19you excuse me for one very quick moment good news what I found him who the book in there whose
12:29paperwork you lost I didn't lose it you bloody did anyway sorry about that would you like to see him
12:37who William he's just through here no no that's the thing you see William isn't dead no of course
12:47is that the death certificate yes and see that's what I was trying to tell you professional advice
12:52get lots of copies you'll need them for the bank's savings and of course any life insurance policies
13:06um well I suppose a quick peek wouldn't hurt
13:13I'll admit that was a bit naughty
13:32I hope you're happy with what we've done
13:36yes he did he looks lovely my darling William
13:47if you want to have a final moment with him please go ahead
13:51no that's all right thank you please I'm not here
13:58okay
14:05there there
14:11thank you um Marcus
14:13for this it's an honour Mrs. Fendon
14:16thank you
14:19some people like to have a final kiss
14:23yes
14:24yes
14:24yes
14:26do they
14:28do they
14:29oh yes
14:30I'm not here
14:35right
14:36thank you for that
14:44they definitely do this do they
14:47mm-hmm
14:47oh yes
14:50okay
14:59on the lips
15:01exactly the things I do for this family
15:04Shubh Diwali
15:08it's our special thing that we say
15:11we had a funeral
15:12you tell me we just cremated some old blood we never met
15:15yes
15:16which actually isn't much different from a lot of blokes funerals not least my own father's
15:22this is too much
15:23yeah
15:24it's too much
15:26but you know
15:28when life gives you lemonade
15:32you don't go out anyway
15:34oh no at least I've got the choice
15:36well you've had the choice for 68 years
15:39what are you going to start missing now
15:41laser quest
15:42popping round Geoff's for a coffee and a crumpet
15:45who's Geoff
15:46exactly
15:47Geoff has lived in this village ever since we moved in
15:50and do you know what he'd say if I told him
15:53oh William's died
15:54er
15:55oh dear
15:56no
15:57he'd say who's William
15:59because my darling the wonderful thing about you
16:01is that you might as well have been dead for the last 30 years
16:05in fact
16:06the only person on this planet
16:08who's going to miss you
16:09is me
16:10yeah
16:10and Harry
16:12well
16:13yeah
16:13and the grandchildren
16:14oh
16:15let's not push it
16:17but that's the point isn't it
16:19imagine what that money could do for them
16:24we've been model citizens haven't we
16:28you know we've paid our taxes
16:30we've paid our bills
16:31we haven't been arrested
16:33much
16:35and that ghastly insurance company
16:38paid all that money
16:39all those years
16:40and
16:41what did they say when you got your Parkinson's
16:43wasn't covered
16:44yeah
16:45exactly
16:46the game is rigged
16:48and we're
16:49we're the goodies
16:50we followed all the rules
16:51and what have we got to show for it
16:52sweet Fanny Adams' empty Fanny
16:56that's what
16:57in the middle of nowhere
16:59in this dingy house
17:00with a dodgy boiler
17:01and a garden
17:02full of fox shit
17:07it's Geoff
17:08the one who shoves petrol pumps up his jacksy
17:12no that's pig fish
17:14oh
17:17it's insane
17:19yes
17:19and I can understand why
17:21you might feel a bit put out
17:22put out?
17:23I'm not emotionally switched on
17:25am I?
17:26and we did want that money for you
17:28and Neha and the boys
17:30there's more where that came from
17:32yeah I know
17:32I've seen the bag
17:35how much did you get?
17:38250,000
17:39Jesus Christ
17:40you've stolen a quarter of a million quid
17:42we haven't stolen anything
17:43we've simply taken back what we paid in
17:46yeah
17:46well plus a little bit more
17:48don't be pedantic
17:49those were expenses
17:50you two
17:52are weapons grade bonkers
17:55balls
17:56that's Billy and Gene
17:57shmoo
17:58must you do that
17:59every time?
18:00take it upstairs then
18:05oh
18:06shoot
18:07shoot
18:08don't swear mother
18:08shut up Harold
18:09you patronising chode
18:11chode
18:12I don't think you know what that means
18:12wait let ourselves in
18:13as you don't mind
18:14no let's not
18:15come on
18:17hi
18:17how are you?
18:19why am I in here?
18:20I'm alive
18:21did you hear about Geoff at the Londis?
18:23no
18:24he fell head first into the croissant display cabinet
18:28and they don't know whether it's a plastic of the case
18:30or a stale croissant
18:31but something sliced his face right up
18:34oh lord
18:35yeah
18:35he'll have a big scar now
18:37he'll be unrecognisable
18:38wouldn't a big scar on your face make you more recognisable
18:42which one's Geoff?
18:44the one with the big scar
18:45no this is interminable
18:47no it's not so bad
18:49it's best when Pamela's not here
18:51why?
18:52well because Billy's inarchaleptic and Jane's completely blind
18:56so when it's just the two of them and your mum
18:58I can be in there with them eating the posh biscuits
19:01without any requirement to make conversations
19:04it's pretty good really
19:05surely they hear you munching?
19:07no
19:08because I suck all the chocolate off first
19:10and then I let the biscuit melt in my mouth
19:17I told Geoff he needs stitches
19:19but he can't go to the hospital now
19:21because they've ditched the Durston route
19:23yeah it's broken Britain Jean
19:25and he can't afford a cab so
19:29oh hello
19:32can I use your bog Deb?
19:34yeah make yourself at home
19:38you'll regret saying that
19:41oh that's so me off
19:42what do you mean?
19:44well once the idea of a piece put in my head
19:46I can't think about anything else
19:47are you serious?
19:49once the wee wee wolf is at the door
19:51he doesn't don't know for an answer
19:52he's like a Jehovah's wolf
19:57poor old Geoff eh?
20:01will you excuse me a minute?
20:06he's like a second
20:08ok
20:14okay
20:50Where has she learned that word?
20:52She knows I'm sensitive about being of stocky stature.
20:56Dad?
20:57Just a moment.
21:10Oh, Dad.
21:16This is a low.
21:26Girls, would you mind dropping this into Jeff on your way home?
21:32It's just a little contribution towards his taxi from me.
21:35You're a good soul.
21:37Well, no act of kindness is ever wasted.
21:40It is on, Jeff.
21:42That'll all go on only, friends.
21:52You're still there.
21:53What have you been doing all day?
21:54I can't even begin to explain.
21:56Hang on.
21:57Two cod meals, please.
21:58And a savoy, battered.
22:00And a pickled egg, and a curry sauce, and a can of pop, and one of them chopped brownies for
22:04afters.
22:05Listen, please make sure you're back for bath, okay?
22:07I can't face that alone.
22:09I'm feeling very touched out.
22:10Why do you keep using that in the wrong context?
22:12I really feel it.
22:14Harry, touched out is when you've spent all day being terrorised by toddlers.
22:17Yeah, I know.
22:18Believe me, I feel it.
22:20Bye.
22:24Right, I've got to go.
22:26Oh, Shane.
22:27We haven't had a chance to catch up, you know, as a family.
22:29Oh, yeah.
22:30You want to catch up?
22:30Okay, cool.
22:31What's new?
22:32Well, let's see.
22:32Well, in between mourning you, Dad, and worrying about you, Mum, and being diagnosed with depression,
22:37I did finally sign up for a Nectar card.
22:38So that's great, isn't it?
22:40Oh, don't, because your Dad didn't get a chance to spend his points.
22:43I don't know, there's some wireless headphones.
22:45Oh, what a shame.
22:46Any other regrets?
22:47Like the lying, faking your own death.
22:49Spending no time with your grandchildren?
22:51You're always telling your Mum what a nightmare they are.
22:53Well, yeah, they are a nightmare, but they're our nightmare.
22:56And I'd be grateful to palm them off on you from time to time.
22:58Look, don't get me wrong, I'm really happy you're alive.
23:01I really, really am, but I'm a bit concerned about your decision-making.
23:04Do you mean the Nectar points?
23:05No, Mum.
23:06I mean him, hiding in the loft like a geriatric Anne Frank.
23:09And when he does come downstairs, he pisses himself in the kitchen cupboard.
23:12And then you just reward him with a pack of biscuits like your potty training at Delinquent Cockapoo.
23:16Yes, I've wept myself in every supermarket in town, including both Tesco's, Metro and Express.
23:23I'm actually rather proud of it.
23:25Hmm.
23:25You'd probably get a blue plaque, wouldn't you?
23:27Mum, Dad, please.
23:29Please, this is fraud.
23:30You can go to prison.
23:30Listen, that canoe couple, they went down for years.
23:32Listen, we didn't start this.
23:35I mean, granted, we didn't stop it either, but, you know, who are we to argue with the NHS?
23:42They're the ones who declared your dad dead.
23:45That's better thought for poor Dr Harper.
23:47She'd be mortified if she found out.
23:49Um, do it.
23:49I've got to go.
23:50Hey, hey, hey.
23:51You mustn't tell Neha.
23:53You could put her career at risk.
23:55Well, it's not me who's done that, is it?
24:11Oh, God.
24:13Oh, I just wanted to say before you go,
24:17Oh, do you think nectar points are transferable post-mortem?
24:25I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
24:26It's not the time.
24:27Understood?
24:28At least there's one positive from the secret being ours.
24:31I get to talk to you again.
24:33I know we've put you in a tiny bit of an impossible situation.
24:38We'll respect whatever you decide.
24:40Although, if your mother heard me say that, she'd kill me.
24:44Again.
24:45Yeah.
24:45Yeah.
24:46Oh, and, uh, sorry.
24:49I do take this.
24:51Your mum told me your rent's gone up, didn't you?
24:54These landlords are bloody crooks, aren't they?
25:16What?
25:44What are they trying to do you?
25:45there we go that's very shiny hope you didn't spend too much something's worth
25:52doing it's worth doing properly no is that a magnolia yeah thought so that
26:01won't make it through winter catastrophic wood rot around here thanks
26:05Clive yeah you're welcome remember the very next bag might contain highly illegal contraband
26:17at Brisbane Airport one of the longest serving x-ray operators is Clarence McTeer who has been
26:24scanning passengers luggage since 1987 and we're glad to say that he is back in remission
26:31I can't believe he's actually gone no I know neither can we
26:42and so ends another eventful day on Australia's front line despite the best efforts
26:51Mrs. Vendon yeah I want my money mum come on we're being blackmailed
27:00bloody hell that's annoying found that in my pocket at the ball's club last night
27:05who sent her I don't know what sort of friend blackmails her own mates we're not criminals
27:12we're Wallace and Gromit you two might be but your mum's a penguin with a rubber glove on her
27:17ad you and your parents need to stop being lunatics I am your great uncle Otto from the valley
27:23yeah promise me that you'll find this bastard and nail his bollocks to his backside
27:27who are you Debbie Fendon we're a crime family oh don't be silly crime families kill people
27:33we're just a bit complicated like the Beckons come on
27:55whoo
27:58whoo
28:00whoo
28:01whoo
28:03whoo
28:03whoo
28:05whoo
28:06whoo
28:07whoo
28:07whoo
28:08whoo
28:08whoo
28:08whoo
28:08whoo
28:08whoo
28:08You
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