- 6 minutes ago
First broadcast 11th February 2009.
Archie agrees to provide the wine for the wedding of Roxy, the daughter of old school chum Maurice.
Michael Begley - Orson
Michelle Butterly - Angelica Butler
James Cartwright - Neil Butler
Meryl Fernandes - Roxy Robinson
Dorian Healy - Edward 'Teddy B' Butler
Rik Mayall - Maurice Robinson
Shane Richie - Archie Daley
Jenna Russell - Petra Bennett
Simon Scardifield - Cop
Lex Shrapnel - Jamie Cartwright
Michael Simkins - Charles Cupid
Meera Syal - Jess Robinson
Archie agrees to provide the wine for the wedding of Roxy, the daughter of old school chum Maurice.
Michael Begley - Orson
Michelle Butterly - Angelica Butler
James Cartwright - Neil Butler
Meryl Fernandes - Roxy Robinson
Dorian Healy - Edward 'Teddy B' Butler
Rik Mayall - Maurice Robinson
Shane Richie - Archie Daley
Jenna Russell - Petra Bennett
Simon Scardifield - Cop
Lex Shrapnel - Jamie Cartwright
Michael Simkins - Charles Cupid
Meera Syal - Jess Robinson
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:05you always show up when the old work's finished
00:07hey some of us are born for greatness
00:09the rest are here to shift the heavy stuff
00:11so i trust you had no problem with kermit the frog
00:13there's no more french than you are
00:15look oh jamie look at it
00:17look there's not been a 500 nick at all
00:19but it ain't the exact stuff you asked for
00:22well i implicitly stated did i not i want to
00:24look chateau feuway
00:26kermit said he acquires it before the labels go on
00:28so you can call it anything you like
00:31archie
00:32oh maurice what a lovely surprise
00:35how are you pal
00:36this is jamie my business associate this is maurice
00:38yeah one of my oldest mates
00:39we're in the same class at school we were
00:41you went to school
00:42no no i went to school
00:43and i made up for the excuses as to why that delinquent wasn't there
00:46well i was mastering big business even back then
00:48and on that very subject i've got your vino
00:50varatis freshly squashed by a french maiden's big toe
00:53oh formidable
00:54only the very best for your precious roxy's wedding
00:56and at a bargain two grand
00:58you know plus delivery
00:59that is marvellous
01:00well let's crack open a sample to celebrate
01:03hey come on let's not spoil the anticipation for the big day maurice
01:05now come on let me treat you
01:07treat you to the finest seller
01:10excuse the disarray gents
01:12i'm not actually open for a couple more days
01:14oh
01:15oh that is an audacious little bouquet
01:19oh
01:23it's a deft balance of power and elegance
01:25yeah yeah i'm getting a
01:26an earthy scent and a like you know like a ripe fruit
01:33and i'm getting a sensitive touch of the plums
01:36oh golly you know you're fruit of the vine don't you aren't you
01:40one of my many dallances
01:41thank you boris
01:42almost too many to mention
01:43oh thank you petra
01:45so how is the lovely jess
01:47jess
01:48don't ask
01:49she's reached that stage in every woman's life
01:51where nothing's a surprise and everything's a disappointment
01:54well she must be paid hit that just for our honeymoon
01:57well it's bad before but she's doing my head in with this damn wedding
02:00it's just a disaster all round
02:02last night my nephew's band split up over creative differences so there's no music
02:07then the photographer tells me that i gave him the wrong date
02:09so i've got to find another one sharpish
02:11but i can't tell jess or she'll hang me up by the eyelids
02:14relax gringo there's no such thing as a crisis
02:17only opportunity yet to be ravished
02:20now i can supply the live music and get you a top of the range snapper for a very reasonable
02:25price
02:25archer you'd be saving my life
02:26you know what i mean including the wine
02:28that's nearly five grand let's call it six
02:29no i'm only joking four
02:32but that's magnificent
02:35but it still leaves me with the problem of her fiancé
02:38yeah what boy could possibly follow in the footsteps of his father-in-law right
02:41last time he stood her up at the altar
02:43stood her up at the altar
02:46plus tonight is his stag do and i know there's no way he's going to get through that unscathed
02:50well once again you're in the right place you see
02:52now a job of this import
02:53i have got the very man
02:55who can mind him
02:57okay
02:58but listen
02:58the wedding's at twelve o'clock sharp and nobody must know anything about this
03:02morris
03:02word is my bond
03:03i will have that boy he's an uptools in one piece
03:06let's call it five grand all in yeah
03:09plus expenses
03:10i'll pay him double if you deliver
03:15don't get this straight man i've got to mine somebody you don't know who's being mine here a lot of
03:20guardian angel
03:21that's enough
03:50you'll think i'm a bleeding stalker
03:52if there's anything to be had he would make sure he got it first you know like flashy jobs to
03:55flash your girlfriends
04:24it's time for a little bit of payback my son
04:26see you later
04:26see ya
04:27see ya
04:47Clapham, mate.
04:48What's that?
04:50Clapham.
04:52You've a caveat, what?
04:58Jess?
05:02Oh, my God, you remembered.
05:04Wow, look at you.
05:07You haven't changed my niota.
05:09Oh, you've aged pretty well yourself.
05:10Well, cos Mike's surgery works wonders, you know.
05:12What are you doing here, then?
05:13Oh, I wasn't planning, I was in the vicinity, so...
05:16Why was Maurice round here earlier?
05:19Pull over just here, mate, just on the side.
05:24Keep the change, yeah?
05:25Oh, cheers, pal.
05:48It's coming back to me now, Jess, cos, yes, I remember, if I'm not mistaken, I had my very first
05:54dance with you.
05:55Oh, well, you were pretty hot on your feet yourself, as I remember rightly.
05:58Well, my dearest soon put a stop to all that, amongst other forms of pleasure.
06:01Oh, well, that's marriage for you.
06:03Oh, well, not anymore, actually.
06:04See, I'm in the early stages of divorce.
06:07It's best for everyone.
06:08I almost envy you, Archie.
06:10Don't watch.
06:11Jess, I thought you and Maurice, you know, you were like the perfect couple.
06:14Yes, so did I.
06:16Things have been, um, pretty stultifying for a while now.
06:21Sometimes I wonder if I chose the wrong husband.
06:28Yeah, well, we all make mistakes that way.
06:32So preoccupied with his bloody luxury bathroom shops and his precious daughter.
06:37Yeah, she's yours, too.
06:38No, no.
06:39Roxy's the best thing that's ever happened to us, but now she's leaving home.
06:43Everything's going to change, isn't it?
06:47I want Roxy to have the best day of her life.
06:51Well, she will.
06:52I'm sure of it.
06:53But I don't trust Maurice.
06:56And that is why I'm asking you, as one of my oldest friends, Archie,
07:01you keep an eye on things tomorrow.
07:04You and I understand each other, don't we?
07:08I promise you, Jess, the wedding of the century.
07:13Trust me.
07:28So, how's the main curing in Romeo?
07:31He's a surly git.
07:33You two have got a lot in common, then, haven't you?
07:35Yeah.
07:36We both hang out in very dodgy geysers.
07:40What's that?
07:42Oh, my God, that's Teddy B.
07:44I don't know.
07:45He's cuddly with me.
07:46No, no, no.
07:47That's an ironical moniker.
07:48He went to the same school as us he did.
07:50He got his dirty dosh from being a very dangerous dude.
07:53Yeah, he's known as the great white of the Lone Shark family.
07:56Well, I couldn't hear him, but from their ding-dong, I'd say Neil owes him big time.
08:01Well, you know what this means, don't you?
08:02Yeah.
08:03We back off completely.
08:04Oh, don't be such a plumb.
08:05We should have danger money to the bill, don't we?
08:06That's all.
08:07This ain't what I signed up for.
08:08Jamie, I made a promise, all right?
08:11Promise that can't be broken.
08:13Then the price has to be right.
08:15All right.
08:16I'll raise your feet to three.
08:17Five.
08:17Four.
08:18Five.
08:19Okay, five.
08:19But this kid needs proper minding, all right?
08:21I want you to be on your metal like a...
08:23like a tightly coiled spring.
08:24All right.
08:25Relax.
08:26All right.
08:27We've got salt into your boxes.
08:28Go on, boys.
08:29Here you go.
08:30Go on, mate.
08:31Go on.
08:31Hey.
08:32It's all right.
08:33It's done, Bobby.
08:35I've got to take a bit of air, isn't it?
08:36I love you.
08:37I love you.
08:40I love you.
08:42I love you.
08:48Hey, Charlie Cupid, it's Archie Daly.
08:50Shoot that poison arrow to my heart.
08:54Yeah, sorry, mate.
08:55Well, I thought it was funny.
08:56Yeah, all right.
08:58Do what?
08:59Oh, Charlie, I'm sorry to hear that, mate.
09:02Come on, listen.
09:02You know what women are like.
09:03She'll be back tonight begging for forgiveness.
09:06Oh, really?
09:07What a pilot.
09:08Oh, I'm sorry.
09:09Well, she could be anywhere around the world.
09:10How can't she?
09:12Yeah.
09:12Hey.
09:13Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
09:14Charlie, Charlie, calm down.
09:15Come on.
09:15Pull yourself together, all right?
09:17Now, listen.
09:18Got a little something for you.
09:19How do you fancy applying your trade-hound and a few quid singing at a wedding?
09:22Yeah?
09:22One, two, three, go on.
09:26Oh, it's in the bottom.
09:27Oh, it's in the bottom.
09:29It's in the bottom.
09:29Oh, it's in the bottom.
09:31Oh, it's in the bottom.
09:43Listen to me, okay?
09:44Yeah?
09:45moving images all I need from you are wedding snaps I want to try and you know
09:53recreate the cover of the glossy magazines yes you know what hold on one
09:57second stay there hello yes hello sweetheart no everything's good nothing
10:03to report darling mm-hmm hey don't you worry about that I'll be there before
10:07anyone else yeah even if I've got kidnapped the
10:10register myself you know yes definitely all right yeah hold up hold on one second
10:14sweetheart awesome abby Morris hey what's that no it's embedded as we speak
10:40I don't know what's that no I can't be on you I drive a taxi yeah what are you following
11:00me for
11:00are you one of Teddy B's boys I've no idea who you are never mind Teddy I think you're lying
11:09I think you should sling your hook
11:14it's not a very good idea that's what you're wrong
11:34go on let him go please no you're making a big
11:38mistake here I'm quaking in my boots not like that I mean one mates nailing me yeah right yeah right
11:46excuse me officer for me be so bold to intercede let me digress that indeed these boys are just like
11:53blood brothers dealing with this Archie not doing a very good job you see the bit of horseplay's got a
11:57hand that's all and my colleague here will be dropping charges post haste he's too late but you've
12:03got to let him go he's he's getting married in a morning ding dong the bells ain't gonna chime we
12:09can
12:09pay us bail money connect your wages yeah what kind of cabbie are you I sorted your bail money that's
12:21all you need to know you better tell me exactly what's going on here before I give you another
12:26bloody hiding let's get a few things straight mate firstly you did not give me an hiding second you're
12:32on your own now but for the record it's my job to mind you someone wants to make sure you
12:38go to
12:38your wedding in one piece who your loving father-in-law to be Morris she's staying at my place tonight
12:46think of me as your babysitter
13:01yeah it's all good mate it was only in his pit by 2 a.m. you're kidding yeah a few
13:05drinks few laughs
13:06no fights no drugs not even a sniff of a seeking cheese drink I knew I could rely on you
13:10yeah it's all part of the service ain't it I handed to you ma I mean you really do things
13:16in style
13:17don't you ah there's the mind of the rockers idea actually she always wanted to get married
13:21underneath tower bridge oh that's lovely that isn't it wake up sunshine is your alarm call
13:28wedding bells rise and shine
13:41this is awesome you're waiting for Tom for the night but a perfect visual
13:44all the film maker really yeah just not today really I'm a bit of a film buff myself
13:49would I be familiar with any of your work I don't know you might have seen college girls go
13:53our house films mostly in a quiet taste so they tell me
13:58there he is Charles Cupid the man with the gold plate and the tonsils this is Morris
14:06so good of you to step in such short notice Charles so you're the condemned man are you
14:10no no no Charles this is Morris no he's the he's the father of the bride no groom ETA any
14:15minute now
14:18it was a day just like this when I got married
14:23well let me know when I'm on
14:26be at the bar
14:30he's not seriously going to be artistic temper
14:33man seriously wait to get a load of his careless whispers
14:38Angelica do you know Archie
14:40no
14:44Neil's mum his dad walked out on them when they were kids
14:47so he has not been invited it's the best all around
14:50I can imagine
14:51hello darling all right
14:52nice to see you
14:53wow Jess look at you
14:56everything all right?
14:57yeah bullshit shape and Bristol fashion
14:58Ross is late where is she?
15:00she's right behind me she's funny
15:01she'd better be
15:05not even a kiss on the cheek never mind a compliment
15:10I think you look ravishing
15:19see everything's in the safest of hands
15:21oh beautiful
15:23there you are
15:24lovely
15:24lovely
15:29Jamie please tell me you're on your way here
15:31Neil's gone AWOL
15:32he's gone what?
15:33AWOL
15:33you're going to lost him again
15:37I didn't lose him he done a runner
15:38listen we can discuss the semiotics later
15:40but we don't get a penny back
15:41unless we get the groom back
15:42we could be anywhere
15:44what what?
15:45he could be bloody anywhere
15:46listen Jamie there's no time for excuses all right
15:48this job is not done
15:49until the kid's got a ring on his finger
15:50and he's contemplating his conjugal
15:51well too late aren't we
15:53didn't you say the boat had to sail at noon?
15:55yes
15:56that's all I know
15:57but listen just get here as quick as you can
15:59and don't worry about the boat
16:01I'll sort it out
16:02hurry up
16:03moment
16:03moment
16:04moment
16:04moment
16:04moment
16:05So, let's go.
17:10I'm going to try to jog on.
17:13Hey, everybody.
17:14Nice round of applause for Charles Cupid.
17:19I've just been told by the captain there is a slight hitch in the engine room.
17:26I'll tell you what, why don't we start the festivities now, yeah?
17:30Yes!
17:31Hey!
17:32Yeah, so let's crack open some fine bottles of wine.
17:35Help yourself, everybody.
17:37Plenty more where that comes from.
17:38But very soon, the bride and the bridegroom will be making their arrival down the gangplank onto the ship.
17:44So, we're going to be making our way down the Thames, and we're going to be going past Westminster.
17:49That'll be on that side.
17:51And then we'll be coming underneath Tower Bridge, and that's where they'll be exchanging their vows.
17:59It's wedding day.
18:08Where is he?
18:10I'll ask you one more time.
18:11When our two lovers, Roxy and Neil, who's going to be here any minute now, will be here apparently, are
18:19about to take the plunge, metaphysically.
18:23You know, just like in Titanic.
18:39They're all waiting for you.
18:41Well, it's no good. I'm not going.
18:43If you're going to dub that girl a second time, the least you can do is tell her to her
18:46face.
18:46Well, he's done it again, hasn't he?
18:48It was because of Maurice that I backed out last time.
18:52He told Roxy I didn't have a good enough job.
18:55Can you imagine that?
18:57He's had to get me to work for him in his stupid bathroom shops.
19:02I said no. He went ballistic.
19:05Now I can't even go on my own stag do without him sending you as a bloody guard dog!
19:08Is that me trying to look out for you?
19:11He might be useful for getting any kind of trouble.
19:13What's that supposed to mean?
19:14Nothing, just he's...
19:15Well, he's got plenty of money if you need it.
19:17No, you listen.
19:19And you listen good.
19:20I don't want anything from him.
19:27Look, I love Roxy.
19:30Right, and I do. I mean it. I love her so much.
19:33It's just a dad I want nothing to do with.
19:35And are you going to run out on that gorgeous girl?
19:37Just because it saves him.
19:41Just remember, marriage is for life.
19:44And not just for Christmas.
19:54There's something wrong, isn't there?
19:55That must be out of petrol or something.
19:57That is not what I'm talking about, and you know it.
19:59Jess, trust me.
20:00Love is a path to the heart that knows its own way.
20:02You are stalling, Archie.
20:04All right, all right.
20:06Meal's delayed, but it's nothing to worry about, OK?
20:08Do you know where he is?
20:11No, well, not exactly.
20:13Right, then that's it.
20:14I will not have my daughter humiliated by this waste of any longer.
20:19Morris, you've just got cold feet.
20:22Just give him another chance.
20:23He's just a little misunderstanding about last night, that's all.
20:28What is going on, Morris?
20:31OK, look, I have Neil followed last night.
20:36I just wanted to make sure he didn't get himself into any trouble, or skip the country again.
20:40You just couldn't leave him alone, could you?
20:43You had to stick your big, bloody booty and ruin everything!
20:46I just wanted to have the best for my daughter.
20:48That's what I wanted.
20:49Where's Neil?
20:51Your father's got something to tell you, Roxy.
20:55You're scaring me.
20:59He's here!
21:00Hey!
21:01He's here!
21:02That's easy!
21:04Ha-ha-ha!
21:05No!
21:06He's here!
21:07He's here!
21:07He's here!
21:10He's here!
21:12He's here!
21:15Yeah, I said, I promised you, didn't I?
21:19Ha-ha!
21:20Wow!
21:21What a beautiful bride!
21:22What a beautiful bride!
21:30Well, boy, I think you're lovely, madam.
21:33Hey!
21:34You took your time, didn't you?
21:35Don't you start!
21:36You've got no idea!
21:37Well, I was the one who stopped the big boat sailing off!
21:39Yeah?
21:39Well, Neil says this whole mess is Morris' doing.
21:42Oh, you're going to take the word from a scruffy young hood, are you?
21:44Look, he might not be up to the level of your posh mates, but I think he's all right.
21:48That was cutting him a bit fine.
21:49Oh, don't you start, Morris.
21:50You've got no idea.
21:51And the cost of this venture is still rising.
21:52Well, we said ten grand, tops.
21:54How much?
21:54Plus expenses.
21:55Morris, look.
21:57This is not about money, my friend.
22:00It's about her.
22:01Your beautiful daughter.
22:04Her big day.
22:06Her beautiful wedding.
22:07That you've wanted for so long.
22:09For your beautiful, perfect Roxy.
22:12Yes.
22:14I suppose you're right.
22:21That's terrific.
22:23Stupendous.
22:24Well done, Archie.
22:25Always makes the whole thing worthwhile.
22:27Ha!
22:27Mm!
22:28Mm!
22:29Did you get away with that?
22:31Oh, you know.
22:32It's a death balance of power.
22:33And elegance.
22:35Yeah.
22:35Like paying me 500 when you're making ten grand.
22:38I was planning to give you the bonus if you come up with the goods.
22:41Cash on delivery?
22:41Put that away.
22:42You want until they've exchanged marriage rounds and consummate their marriage.
22:45Hey.
22:46Once they sort it out and get this ship started, only a tidal wave can stop us.
22:49Ha!
22:53homepage.
22:56Ha!
22:57outta the way!
23:04Teddy B.
23:05You distract him, I'll keep Neil out of the way.
23:09Baby B!
23:10Way too long!
23:12Not long enough, Daley.
23:13Like your school trousers.
23:16I'm here, sunshine.
23:17What are you doing?
23:18Oi, get off me!
23:19Best days of our lives, eh?
23:20I remember flushing your head down above.
23:23Yeah, indeed.
23:24While forcing you to sing Bohemian Rhapsody, if I rightly recall.
23:27That's right.
23:28From start to glorious finish.
23:30Right, I'm talking a good morning on guitar solos.
23:33Yeah, I had a cue around the toilet block for that little entertainment.
23:38Yeah, well, you know.
23:39I could forget those jolly japes, Teddy, but I am not one to bear a grudge.
23:43I am.
23:45What are you doing?
23:47It's him.
23:48It's Teddy B.
23:48What?
23:49Look, whatever you owe him, he's here to collect.
23:52He's only gone and you're staying here till we've got rid of him, all right?
23:56You don't want to go in here.
23:57No, look, you see, it's a private party.
23:59Teddy, you...
24:01I told you not to come, Dad.
24:03Dad?
24:04I told you I'd find out where it was.
24:07You're not welcome here.
24:07I'm here to support my boy.
24:09It's a big step, getting married.
24:11I just wanted to show you that I care.
24:14You think you can make up for 20 years, not being there just like that?
24:20You've got to start somewhere.
24:24Yeah, well, maybe I won't go through with it now, you know.
24:26No, no, no, that'd be a big shame.
24:28After all this bother.
24:30And I, she's a lovely little girl.
24:32Please.
24:33Son.
24:33I've gone through a lot of bother myself.
24:42Okay.
24:43You're on.
24:44Teddy.
24:46What's the matter?
24:46I might see a little silhouette of a man.
24:50Star of this.
24:52Let your ball back is not the happening bathroom, and this is the happening age when...
24:56Teddy.
24:58Fantastic.
24:59Oh, first-rate.
25:01Fabulous.
25:01You could make it.
25:03Morris knows him, too.
25:04Well, I'm out here in the same class at school, but I won't call it my house.
25:08Jess.
25:09Jess.
25:10Jess.
25:12Do you remember the jet?
25:13How can I not?
25:15Oh, hi.
25:16Oh, hi.
25:17Really, mate.
25:20To meet you, would you like some wine or drink, Teddy?
25:26Look, I can't believe you, Morris.
25:28You knew Teddy B was Neil's dad all along.
25:30Well, of course I did.
25:31What's the problem?
25:32Well, why didn't you mention it?
25:35Look, he wasn't invited.
25:36I told you, he's estranged.
25:38Really?
25:38Well, he's about as estranged as you can bloody well get.
25:40What?
25:40You still bother about that Bohemian Rhapsody thing?
25:43I'm not talking about that, am I?
25:45Oh, Archie, he's mellowed.
25:48People can change.
25:50Yeah?
25:51Yeah.
25:51Well, you've obviously forgotten where he came from, Morris.
26:00What is with the Bohemian Rhapsody?
26:04No, I'm not.
26:09So, I'm not the smart, but that boat was definitely hiding something.
26:12Yeah.
26:12But he needs to chill out before he's continuously conversed.
26:16Remember your mind, Neil.
26:17And whatever you're doing, don't take your minces off, Teddy B.
26:21And there's nothing left here to remind me.
26:26Yeah.
26:27Awesome.
26:28Now, a party.
26:29Why don't we concentrate on the happy couple?
26:31That'd be good.
26:32Listen, you keep your grubby paws away from the bride or the heart.
26:34Everyone else is there going, love, yeah?
26:35You're going to be swimming with the fishes.
26:38Hey.
26:39Look at this.
26:40Pretty soon we're going to be sailing.
26:41Exactly.
26:42What's going on with me, Morris and Teddy?
26:44No idea, sweetheart.
26:46Something's not right.
26:48Hey.
26:49Come on, I've got everything in hand.
26:50Trust me, you've got nothing to worry about.
26:53Good God.
26:54Couldn't even get decent wine.
26:57Turn around and see me cry.
27:00There's so much I need to say to you.
27:06It's so much wine.
27:09You're the only one who really needs me.
27:12Angelica, you look lovely.
27:15Awesome.
27:16So take a look at me now.
27:42The music's even worse.
27:44What was he thinking?
27:47Yeah, nothing can stop us dancing, though, eh?
27:50Oh, you can't be serious.
27:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:52I'll take your mind off it.
27:53There's no such thing as a crisis.
27:55Only an opportunity.
27:57Oh, that's what I love about you, Archie.
27:59No matter what happens, your glasses always are full, eh?
28:02Come on.
28:19Take a look at me now.
28:34Come on, Teddy. We're practically related.
28:36Some things are more important than that, Moe.
28:39You came to me for help, remember?
28:41Yes, because I had a problem shifting an investment property.
28:44But I told you it was only a matter of time.
28:45Why am I a hedge fund?
28:47Look, it's not just me. The credit crunch is crucifying everyone, Teddy.
28:50It's not affecting my trade.
28:52So I want your cheque in my pocket before this wedding's over.
28:56Or you'll find out why.
28:58But I thought we were friends.
29:00Don't believe in them.
29:02One way or another, I'm getting my money back today.
29:07I warned you, Moe, not to mix business with family.
29:28Oh, see, you haven't lost your touch.
29:30No, that's the bowl. That's the chateau of the food.
29:33Ah, you know what I mean?
29:35You're going, man.
29:36It's all about having the right partner, isn't it?
29:38Yeah.
29:39Shame about the choice of song, though, eh?
29:41That's right, because I'll get them to sing our chain melody.
29:43Oh, no, wait.
29:45Actually, um, if I was to ask you something personal, would you give me a straight answer?
29:54Yeah, of course.
29:58I'm going to start with you.
29:59I was inches away from the major opening.
30:00You bet my bloody good reason for this.
30:02I am.
30:03You'll squeak at me, Moe.
30:04I was a man threatening dead to Teddy B.
30:11Come on, then.
30:12Spit it out.
30:13I don't know what you're talking about.
30:15Don't lie to me, Morris.
30:17You've been acting like a man possessed.
30:19I wonder why.
30:20Look, I'm trying to make the best of this.
30:21I could do without you yanking my chain.
30:24Look, if you have any interest at all in saving this marriage,
30:27you will stop talking to me right now.
30:29Look, for once in your sad, pathetic middle life,
30:32just back off.
30:33Leave me alone.
30:38Are you OK?
30:40In 20 years, he has never talked like that to me before.
30:45Hey.
30:46Come on, Jess.
30:47It's all I'm here for you.
30:49No, that's it, Archie.
30:51Our marriage is over.
30:52Whoa, Jess.
30:53Hold on.
30:53He's going through a lot.
30:55He's just hit some very choppy waters.
30:57Well, he can go and jump in and brook.
30:59Like, careful.
31:02Where's Morris gone?
31:03Oh, I think Jess have had a round.
31:05Now he's walked off in the huffs, hasn't he?
31:08Oh, look, we're cast enough.
31:09We've got to make sure he's still on the boat.
31:11Find him before Teddy does.
31:12Right, see if I can find him.
31:25I'll show you.
31:28I'll show you.
31:34I'll show you.
31:42Oh, I've done this before.
31:43Look, look, folks, now you all are together, how do you fancy a nice family snack?
31:48Yeah, no, no, nothing. Nothing.
31:51Oh, Dad, get off me!
31:54You've been out of my way, you know?
32:05No, no, please, no. No.
32:18Oh, what have you done?
32:22There you go!
32:28You know, daughter's wedding, eh?
32:32I just want one more sip of my nectar first.
32:35No! No! Morris, you stay there!
32:37Now, listen, Morris, please listen to me, right?
32:40Now, there is another way out of this, OK?
32:43I've heard it, brother, my big love is Archie.
32:45No, I told you I understand and I appreciate it.
32:47I can hear your cries for help, but please, Morris, OK, I can help you out, all right?
32:54Just give me the wine!
32:55Morris! No, hey!
32:57I will not be parted to your euthanasia!
33:00One more... Hey, stop!
33:02One more move, and the chateau of four gets it!
33:06Ah!
33:09Not in love, and not in love, and not in love!
33:15Enough!
33:17It's my job to get this guy married in one piece, and I don't care who you are!
33:21Nobody is going to stop me!
33:31Come on.
33:32Sit down.
33:36I was just desperate.
33:38My credit has run dry.
33:40Teddy was my last resort.
33:42Look, you've got a string loader shop, it's a driver full of cars, not to mention a bloody
33:45big out.
33:45Yeah, and his mortgage to the hill.
33:50But my shops have gone bankrupt.
33:53My business went barely up a while back.
33:56I thought it was just a blip, so I borrowed on the strength of it.
33:59But the debt just got fatter and fatter, and I couldn't get another loan from the bank,
34:03let alone afford a wedding like this.
34:06I can't even pay you your five grand.
34:08Wait, wait.
34:09Hold on, I thought it was ten grand.
34:11I'm a pitiful mess, Archie.
34:13I can't hardly learn any longer.
34:16My mind's made up.
34:17Wait!
34:19What about the wedding?
34:21Maurice, you know, I've promised Jess.
34:23Jess?
34:24She won't want to know me when she hears that I'm penniless.
34:27Oh, what, you think that's all she cares about?
34:29That's all I am, Archie.
34:31People who've only ever seen me is a bank balance.
34:34You know, when we were kids in school, we used to look up to you.
34:38Yeah, you were up there on a pedestal, we were jealous.
34:41You had the perfect life, you had it all.
34:43You got no idea how much it would cost to keep up that illusion?
34:46No, no.
34:47No, look, I'm not talking about the money.
34:49I'm talking about your perfect wife and perfect family.
34:52It's overrated.
34:54Yeah.
34:54The likes of me can only imagine that sort of life.
34:57You're going to chuck it away, just like that.
34:59I've devoted my entire life to being a success.
35:02And I refuse to be just another tragic loser.
35:08Oh, excuse me.
35:10Since you put it like that.
35:12Well, go on, then.
35:14Jump, you always like to make the splash.
35:16Eh?
35:16Either that, or get with the Bleeding Club, Sunshine.
35:19Because guess what?
35:20Getting up in the morning is tough on everyone.
35:21But you don't see the rest of us banging on about it.
35:24Hold on a minute.
35:24No, no, you hold on a minute, Maurice.
35:26People like you, oh, you make me sick.
35:29You have it all, and you don't realise it yet.
35:31You just want that little bit more, don't you?
35:33Oh!
35:34Look, Maurice.
35:35We're nearly there.
35:36Hurrah!
35:37So, I'll tell you what.
35:38Now's your chance, Maurice.
35:40Go on, jump!
35:42How dare ya?
35:54What shall I do, Archie?
35:57Well, at this point, Maurice, you've got no choice.
35:59Except to be ball-tightly honest.
36:02Yeah.
36:02Hmm.
36:04I'll tell Teddy you're sorry.
36:05You're gonna sell the house, cut the cards, at least pay him back some of it.
36:07Then play the family card to the hill.
36:11Do you really think that'll work?
36:13Right now, Maurice.
36:14That's all you've got.
36:19What about Jess?
36:20That's a hard tool to Jess.
36:22She'll be fine as long as she doesn't find out, you know, about your little swimming expedition.
36:31And it seemed to me
36:33You lived your life like a candle in the wind
36:38One more two out of you and I'll blow your bloody candle out.
36:42You look beautiful, Roxanne.
36:44Stop it, Mum.
36:45I can't just pretend everything's gonna be alright.
36:47It will be, darling.
36:49Trust me.
36:50Where's my dad?
36:51Ah, well...
36:53In the toilet?
36:53Tell us where he is.
36:54I can't.
36:55I mean, I don't...
36:59Look, Archie's gone looking for him, alright?
37:01Look, you know something, Jamie.
37:03He is my husband and I want to know what he's up to.
37:10It's Teddy B.
37:12Turns out, Maurice, I was in a fortune.
37:16Right.
37:18Hold up.
37:19Don't do anything stupid.
37:20I'm gonna sort this out proper.
37:21Neil, come back here!
37:31Oh, my God, Maurice, what have you done?
37:35Oh, my God!
37:38Maurice!
37:40What are you lying kids?
37:43You came here just for the money, didn't you?
37:45You don't understand, son.
37:47Don't call me that.
37:49Right, Neil.
37:50I accept it was a little insensitive of me.
37:53At my wedding?
37:54It's a matter of principle.
37:55I couldn't help myself.
37:57I actually thought...
38:00I actually thought that you came here for me.
38:03I am.
38:05I wanted to make up with you too, son.
38:08I was hoping you'd give me another chance.
38:10You're blue, isn't it?
38:20It was supposed to be the best day of my life.
38:23I pushed him too far.
38:26I just never gave him a chance.
38:27I put him under so much pressure.
38:29Don't, Mum.
38:31Whatever he's done, it's not your fault.
38:34No.
38:35It's mine.
38:40Why didn't you tell me, Maurice?
38:44I'm sorry, Jess.
38:46It's not about the money.
38:47It never was.
38:48I mean, it was nice while it lasted, yeah.
38:50But I...
38:52I just want you back.
38:54The way you were when we had nothing.
38:57All we care about is you, Dad.
39:01Well, nearly that, mate.
39:02I don't want anything to do with family.
39:04Not Morris's, not mine, not anybody's.
39:06I've seen you with that girl.
39:08You want to be with Roxy.
39:09I know you do.
39:10You don't know anything.
39:12I know you're better than Morris and Teddy put together.
39:16But I think there's a way you can sort this mess out for me.
39:20That's if you really want to be with Roxy.
39:23Right.
39:24Come on.
39:25Chin's up, chest's out.
39:27I do believe we've got a win to go to, eh?
39:28Yeah?
39:43It's a firing squad.
39:44No, it's a business proposition.
39:46What kind?
39:47Family business.
39:50Let's hear it, dude.
39:51Back off on Morris's death or you'll never see me again.
39:53Now, hold on a second, son.
39:54And he'll pay you back when it suits him.
39:57And you've got to promise me that this stops, and it stops right now.
40:01Or you'll never see me.
40:04Or your grandkid.
40:05We're going to have a baby.
40:10Oh, sweetheart.
40:12That's fantastic.
40:17You've got to promise me.
40:19I won't promise, son.
40:20Oh, no!
40:21No!
40:22Oh, no!
40:24Yeah!
40:32No!
40:33No!
40:34No!
40:35No!
40:36I was blind.
40:38Now I can see.
40:40You made an illegal at a man.
40:46I was blind.
40:47Now I can see
40:50You made a feel
40:52I don't know
40:55Where I'm moving
40:56I'm moving now
40:59Getting out of the darkness
41:05My life shines on
41:07My life shines on
41:10My life shines on
41:16I was loved
41:18And now I'm found
41:20I'm living in you
41:23I got no pain
41:25I was loved
41:28Go on, look like you need it
41:38Archie
41:39Thank you for everything
41:52You saved my life, mate
41:54Hey, that's what friends are for
41:57And
42:00I'm going to pay the bill
42:01Ah, you're a lucky man, Horace
42:06I know
42:08Please don't forget it, mate
42:13Oh, Jamie
42:15It's the hardest 10 grand I've ever earned in my life
42:20I think we've earned the proper drink
42:35Hmm
42:36Oh, Jamie
42:37Oh, good on you, picture girl
42:41I love it
42:42I love it, are we just
42:43I can't pass your dad's off
42:45Oh, Dave will be proud of you, sweetheart
42:47Methinks it's time for a celebratory teacher
42:50So, did you catch the bride's bouquet then?
42:52I think we are in a laughing
42:52If I'd have called that, it'd have been straight in the Thames
42:54No
42:55Weddings are good for one thing
42:56And that is profit
42:58I've got to want just about the money
43:00What other possible reason would be for us to go for all that bond, right, James?
43:03No, exactly
43:04As Charles Dickens once said
43:06All's well, that bodes well
43:08That should just about cover it
43:11What do you let him in there for?
43:13Cover for what?
43:14No legal bills today
43:15Oh, God
43:16I think a divorce is an expensive business, Archie
43:19Yours more than most
43:22Proof, if proof were needed, ladies and gentlemen
43:25That marriage is really bad for you
43:27This is a party, gents
43:28Let's have a little less soul-searching
43:29And a bit more singing
43:30Don't worry
43:31Archie's just building up to his body
43:33Oh, no
43:34Is this the real life?
43:38Or just a fantasy?
43:41Caught in a landslide
43:44Everybody!
43:45No escape from reality
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