- 10 hours ago
First broadcast 20th January 1994.
Sidney Myers seeks Arthur's help, having been erroneously diagnosed with a fatal illness and asked a skinhead to kill him so his wife got the insurance money.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Andrew Sachs - Sidney
Peter Kelly - Bernie
Sheila Steafel - Sadie
Liam McKenna - Skinhead
Danny Earl - Skinhead's Mate (as Daniel Earl)
Diana Berriman - Betty
Susan Derrick - Woman in Brighton
Roderick Nicolson - Traffic Cop
Stephen Reynolds - Receptionist
Nick Hobbs - Policeman
Sidney Myers seeks Arthur's help, having been erroneously diagnosed with a fatal illness and asked a skinhead to kill him so his wife got the insurance money.
George Cole - Arthur
Gary Webster - Ray
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Andrew Sachs - Sidney
Peter Kelly - Bernie
Sheila Steafel - Sadie
Liam McKenna - Skinhead
Danny Earl - Skinhead's Mate (as Daniel Earl)
Diana Berriman - Betty
Susan Derrick - Woman in Brighton
Roderick Nicolson - Traffic Cop
Stephen Reynolds - Receptionist
Nick Hobbs - Policeman
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:28I'll see you next time
00:59I'll see you next time
01:00I must say I was deeply grieved when Dave told me about your sad loss, Betty
01:03Henry was a credit to his profession
01:05The thin blue line can only be further weakened by his tragic demise
01:09That's very kind of you to say, sir
01:11This country needs police officers of his calibre
01:13To stem the rising tide of lawlessness
01:15And politics of self-serving greed that pervade this great land of ours
01:19Well, yeah
01:20So what sort of money were you hoping for on this?
01:22Well, I don't really know
01:24Henry used to look after the financial side of things
01:26A friend of mine thought we might be worth about 5,000
01:29Bit on the optimistic side, I'd say
01:32There's been a definite down-market curve in the demand for caravans
01:36Since the advent of your hippie traveller
01:38There has
01:40Which is why I dashed round as soon as Dave told me you were thinking of selling it
01:43As a bereaving widow
01:45And one of our own, so to speak
01:46I feel it is my duty to protect you
01:49From those who would exploit your vulnerability
01:51Thank you, Arthur
01:52I appreciate that
01:54Rest assured, by the time you come back from visiting your daughter
01:57I will have obtained the best possible price for this
01:59And please, don't ask me to accept a commission
02:03I do it in memory
02:05May he rest in peace
02:06It's me who'll be resting in peace now he's gone, Arthur
02:14He was a copper, Arthur
02:15He flopped over in his grave if he thought he was out of it
02:18Do I detect a note of mistrust, do you know?
02:20Well, I may not have got on very well with me brother-in-law
02:23But Betty is my sister
02:24And all she's got to live on now is a police pension
02:27She needs all the dough she can get
02:28It warms the cockles to know I've got your personal endorsement on this, Dave
02:32Yeah, well, I've told her to put an advert in the local newsagent's window
02:41All right?
02:42Yeah, all right
02:49Oh, God, please
02:52Oh, God, please
03:15Don't be silly, Tommy
03:17Caravan in this condition
03:18I'm looking at six grand minimum
03:21No, no, no, sorry
03:22We can't do business
03:23Tell her
03:26What's that?
03:27I don't know
03:28Well, you'd better get it open
03:29Get it open?
03:31Do that game
03:32What?
03:33Arthur, is that you?
03:34For God's sake, get me out of here
03:36Who's that?
03:37It's Sydney, Arthur
03:38Sydney?
03:38The blood is bursting my head
03:40At least turn me the right way out
03:43I always get the delivery man back to cart him away
03:46I heard that
03:47What is this, Sydney?
03:48Some kosher religious ritual I'm unaware of?
03:53A ritual?
03:54I'm trapped in this timber tomb and this is a ritual?
03:58Oh!
03:59I'm here, Sydney
04:00Oh!
04:02A simple question, Sydney
04:04But what are you doing being delivered here in a crate?
04:06So, it's an unusual way to travel
04:09I have my reasons
04:10I can't wait to hear them
04:11Sit down
04:12A terrible thing happened
04:14It started when I was told I had a terminal illness in my body
04:18And where else could you have it?
04:20I came for protection and this is the sympathy I get
04:22Ray, get the man a cup of tea
04:24A very large vodka I could manage
04:25Right
04:27So what is this protection you're on about, Sydney?
04:30Someone is trying to kill me
04:33That would be God, would it, Sydney?
04:36I'm getting these pains, right?
04:38I go to the doctor
04:39He sends me to a specialist
04:40Two weeks later I get the prognosis
04:42An agonising death in a matter of weeks
04:45I decide to kill myself
04:47Oh yeah, I can see the logic in that
04:51I once said to my lovely wife
04:52God bless her
04:53Should have security when I'm gone
04:54Do you understand?
04:55Yeah, if you're talking insurance policies, Sydney
04:57I think another look at the small print
04:59Will tell you that suicide puts the kibosh on sums assured
05:03So tell me about it
05:04I'm in a daze for daze trying to figure a swindle
05:07And then fate took a hand
05:10It was like a sign
05:12I'm in this pub
05:13And there's this loony with, can you believe, a spider tattooed on his face
05:17Ranting on about wanting to exterminate anyone who doesn't support his football team
05:24Perfect, I tell myself
05:25Perfect?
05:26Don't forget my head is in a turmoil
05:38I wait for him to go to the gents
05:39I schlep in after him
05:42We're alone
05:43I tell him I hate football
05:45In particular his team
05:46And for a sum would he kill me
05:48Big mistake
05:49He wanted to do it right then
05:51In the toilet
05:52Without payment
05:54So, what happened?
05:56It took all my powers of persuasion to tell him there's a more rational way of going about this
06:01This was not an easy thing to do
06:04He has a very unreasonable attitude
06:07Anyway, cut a long one
06:08He agrees to a deal
06:10Money changes hands
06:11And I tell him the rest he can collect from my person when he, um, does the business
06:16As a matter of interest, Sydney
06:18How much?
06:20500 quid, half up front
06:22This maniac's willing to commit a murder for a mere monkey
06:24I bartered him down from a grand
06:27When he mullers me, what can he do, Sue?
06:29Well, it makes good business sense
06:30I tell him I need a fortnight to settle my affairs
06:33Then it's, uh, open season on Sydney Myers
06:36And I go home to my Sadie
06:41As soon as I get through the door, she's on me, rabbiting on
06:44I'm pleased she's happy, but I'm confused
06:47Why?
06:48I'm dying and she's happy
06:56Turns out I'm not dying
06:58The doctor rang to say there was a mix-up with my tests
07:02I then remembered the loon I'd hired to kill me
07:04Well, you would, wouldn't you?
07:06So, what did you do?
07:07Well, I went back to the pub
07:08No sign of him
07:10Yeah, uh, uh, Sydney, uh, why don't you take your coat off?
07:13So, am I to assume from your unusual delivery here today
07:17That you still haven't located him?
07:19I spent the next fortnight schlepping around trying to find him
07:22Nothing
07:23People start to think I'm acting strange
07:25Sydney, you are acting strange
07:27Sadie's giving me weird looks, hardly speaking
07:29Well, it does occur to me that she might be worried
07:32Not being cognisant with the situation, if you get my meaning
07:36I should tell her I've conspired to arrange my own murder
07:38And I'm having contract problems
07:40A trouble shared is a trouble halve, Sydney
07:42As long as it's not shared with me
07:44Arthur, the fortnight is up
07:45A deranged person will be looking for me
07:48And I've told him where to look
07:49If you really think this nutter's after
07:51Why not let the old bill sort it out?
07:53Well, they could get out of control
07:54Oh
07:55Well, policemen, suddenly
07:57They're looking for clues and motives
07:59Worse, they're studying the company books
08:01Ah, I'm glad to see you got your priorities right, Sydney
08:04So, yesterday, it's evening
08:07I'm still at the factory, worrying what to do
08:09Everyone's gone home
08:10I dare leave the building
08:12What if he breaks in?
08:14So, I go down to the loading bay
08:16I put this address on a crate
08:18And leave a note for the foreman
08:20To see that it's shipped special delivery first thing
08:22Brilliant, eh?
08:23It's not without a modicum of ingenuity
08:25I grant you that, Sydney
08:26Nobody knows where I am
08:27Except you and Ray
08:28Aren't we the lucky ones?
08:30Yeah, this is all very interesting
08:31But what do you expect me to do?
08:32Well, you have connections
08:33And Ray is a minder
08:35I need protection
08:36You've got to find and stop this madman for me
08:39This could be very complicated
08:40I have funds
08:41I need money up front
08:43Are we talking cost?
08:44His life is in danger and he wants to negotiate
08:46Well, shouldn't he haggle a little?
08:48Look, let me put it this way
08:50Dying could ruin your living
08:52Such logic
08:53Listen and learn
08:54The man's a master
08:56All right, Arthur
08:57Tell me the damage
08:59Oh, er, er, er, well, er, I mean, there's, er, accommodation in a safe house
09:06Er, food, sundries
09:08Round-the-clock protection
09:10What shall we say? Er, two grand
09:14So we'll say a grand now and the other half when you've done the business?
09:17Yeah, I think I can accommodate you on those terms, Sidney
09:21Help yourself
09:23He couldn't ring to tell me himself?
09:25We thought it better that someone should be with you when you learn what happened
09:30First I'm told he's dying of cancer
09:32Then he's not
09:32Then you told me he arranged for someone to murder him
09:36And this person is trying to
09:38Upset?
09:39Me?
09:40I just want to reassure you that I've got everything under control
09:43Really?
09:44Absolutely
09:44And how much is this protection costing, Arthur?
09:48Please, Sadie, you and Sidney are friends
09:50I'm not keeping accounts
09:52Accounts I like, they can be checked
09:53Look, Sadie, I know you're upset
09:56And I hope you don't mind my saying this
09:57But I find your attitude a bit confusing
10:01I mean, Sidney could be in serious danger
10:03You really think so?
10:05Well, put it like this
10:06Until we're sure, can we afford to take the chance?
10:10I don't know what I think he is
10:14Maybe he's gone a little crazy, you know
10:16No, no, no
10:17I mean, I know Sidney can be a bit eccentric
10:19But, I mean, do you really think he'd make up something like this?
10:23Arthur, he had himself posted to you in a box
10:26You don't think that indicates a troubled mind?
10:29Well, you may be right
10:31But until we're sure, I think you should let me handle things
10:34But shouldn't we inform the police?
10:36No, no, no, no, no
10:37Sidney was most specific about that
10:39The legal side could get very nasty
10:42Arranging your own demise
10:44If you get my meaning
10:45I don't think I can take much more of this
10:47That is why I am here
10:49To help you shoulder the burden in your hour of need
10:53And, um
10:54Could you throw a few bits of clobber and toiletries into a bag?
10:58For Sidney
11:01You know, I can't imagine anyone wanting to harm my...
11:14Oh no, no, no, wait
11:56so how long did he say he'd be well not long is what he said yeah but you know
12:00arthur for this i'm paying him good money
12:25of course she's upset she's your wife but the moment she knew you were in my safekeeping
12:30relief and gratitude spread across her boat like a ray of sunshine and she's going to stay away from
12:35the house and go to her mother's she is so where are you taking me a haven of refuge far
12:41from the
12:42maddening crowd a safe house where you can rest your weary to randomly sort your little problem
12:46out what's all this then don't worry that is all part of my overall strategy in you get sydney
12:52in you go no no no lay on the floor on the floor floor yeah put this blanket over your
12:56head
12:57there was some reason for this is there well we can't take the risk of you being spotted on the
13:01open road can we open road
13:29extended wind mirrors i don't get it yours is not the reason why red
13:34money i'm paying you to lay on the floor like a beast and suffocate
13:48tell me i'm not thinking what i'm thinking
14:15what is this what's going on arthur standard protection
14:19procedure, Sydney. Keep an eye out. You'll be out of sight. You'll have all the creature comforts
14:23for the journey. Journey? What journey? I'm sorry, Sydney. Security demands. That remains
14:27privileged information. I work on the need-to-know principle and client confidentiality.
14:31I'm the client. Precisely. Oh, what? What? I thought I saw someone. Keep away from the
14:36windows. Wait a minute. Right, let's get this thing hooked up and get off the manor. Yeah, Arthur, you can't
14:41take this.
14:41It's Dave's sisters. I have an arrangement with her. Does she know about that?
14:54Mate for the M25. We're heading south. South? Where's south? Wrighton. What? You're going to park him up on the
15:00coast?
15:01Personally, I'd rather dump him on the beaches of Normandy. The further away Sydney is, the less ag I'll have
15:05to suffer.
15:08I'm sure about this. Well, it's the least I can do to help a fellow human being in Stuck.
15:13Come on, Arthur, the man's in Fantasyland. So, who am I to deny him his dreams?
15:27Yeah, I thought he was your friend.
15:29Always remember, Raymond, a friend in need is a pest. But try as I may, my charitable nature always will
15:35out.
15:36And business is business.
15:37So, why didn't you just stick him into a hotel?
15:39Too exposed. Cuts into the overheads.
15:42Is all yours.
15:43It lights!
15:56When she's to club.
15:58Arthur, you can't really believe that this hooligan, who probably doesn't exist anyway...
16:01Gee, come on, come on.
16:04He's actually out there trying to kill Sydney.
16:06Raymond, I am, like a lawyer, simply acting on my client's instructions.
16:10That sort of man's wacko, Arthur. He's definitely a suitable case for treatment.
16:17What did he look like?
16:20He didn't happen to be wearing a trilby hat, did he?
16:26What?
16:27Well, blatant over his head.
16:31Does Dave know you're borrowing his sister's caravan?
16:33Dave isn't in the frame.
16:35It's a private arrangement, I told you.
16:37And I don't want you mentioning it to him.
16:40Yeah, so what's the plan?
16:42Well, we locate this caravan site that the AA told me about.
16:45And then we park Sydney up and let him roast for a few days...
16:48Er, rest secure for a few days while we decide what to do.
16:52Well, there's nothing much we can do, Arthur.
16:54Watch and wait, Bray. Watch and wait.
16:56Watch and wait for what?
16:58Developments.
16:59Developments?
17:00Arthur, what are you going on about?
17:03Tactics.
17:04I'll give up.
17:06You do know, I suppose, it's an offence to carry someone in a caravan when it's being towed.
17:10So who's to know?
17:12Besides, the man's on the open road, on his way to a sojourn by the seaside.
17:16What more could he ask for?
17:32Oh, God!
17:34Oh, God!
17:34I don't want to say, I want to be in!
17:36Oh, God!
17:38Oh, God!
17:44Oh, God!
17:54What's that?
17:57Sydney's hanging out the window.
17:59Yeah, oh, Arthur.
18:00No, you probably just want some fresh air.
18:04Nearly.
18:22I hope you've got a good excuse.
18:24Arthur!
18:26Tell them I'm hitchhiker.
18:27Say you've just picked me up.
18:28Don't be stupid.
18:28They would have checked out the reg number of the radio.
18:30Oh, sir.
18:35Is this your car and caravan, sir?
18:37Um, as a matter of fact, it's, um, it's this gentleman's here.
18:42Some problem, obviously.
18:43If you wouldn't vote flying getting out of the car, sir.
18:48I suppose you know it's an offence to carry passengers in a caravan while mobile, sir.
18:52Oh, yes, I've got...
18:53Good grief!
18:54Raymond!
18:55No.
18:55It's your Uncle Sydney!
18:56How did he get in there?
19:01Oh, oh, oh.
19:05Oh.
19:07It's terrible.
19:11Oh, what can you do, officer?
19:14The man's non-compass.
19:16He should be institutionalised, but, uh, you know what it is.
19:19Family.
19:21How he snuck in there without my nephew seeing him, I'll never know.
19:24Got a licence.
19:25Your nephew, has he, sir?
19:27Oh, yes.
19:27Yes.
19:29Yes.
19:52All in all, not a bad result.
19:54Lucky I was there to speak up for you.
19:56Speak up for me?
19:57I've got a ticket down to this lunacy.
19:58Ah, small endorsement, that's all.
20:00Make you be more careful next time.
20:03Well, at least you got one thing right.
20:05Yeah?
20:05Yeah, there's definitely madness in the family.
20:07Oh, this I can believe.
20:09Sydney, you feeling better now?
20:11I felt better when I had pneumonia.
20:14Oh, what's happening, Arthur?
20:16Where are you taking me?
20:17Oh, I'm glad you asked that question.
20:19Now that we're out of the smoke and into the safety zone,
20:21I can tell you, Brighton.
20:24You're taking me to the coast?
20:27London by the sea.
20:28You'll love it.
20:29Stand on me.
20:30Well, maybe if we stay at the Grand, I could learn to like.
20:32Would that we could, Sydney.
20:34Would that we could.
20:34But you have charged me with your safety,
20:37and that makes me honour-bound to make that my number one priority.
20:41Now, the Grand is much too public for a man
20:43in your circus and position in life.
20:45You might be recognised.
20:47Remember the Spider-Man?
20:48Who knows how far his tentacles will stretch?
20:51So what do you have in mind?
20:52A nice select caravan sight up on the Downs.
20:55Lovely views, I'm told.
20:58Hey, Ray, pull over.
21:00Stop the car.
21:01I'm feeling nauseous.
21:02Ah, release of tension, Sydney.
21:04Not unexpected.
21:05There's a nice little diner along here, as I remember.
21:08We'll stop and have a mixed grill.
21:10You'll feel as right as ninepence.
21:11Oh, no!
21:18Ah.
21:21Bad move, Sydney.
21:23Bad move.
21:25I don't think you'd stand for it, Arthur.
21:27You've definitely upset him.
21:28Upset him?
21:29The man was nearly ill in my hat.
21:31I've had this tit for over 20 years.
21:33Part of my persona.
21:35Erling Dawes bought this hat.
21:36Yeah, well, don't go off about it.
21:37Here it comes.
21:39Sydney, you're looking better already.
21:41Why didn't you tell me you suffered with travel sickness?
21:44I'd have got some pills before we left.
21:45What kind?
21:46Cyanide?
21:48Cyanide.
21:48That's what I like to see.
21:50Humour in adversity.
21:51Cyanide.
21:52Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:54Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:56Cyanide.
21:57That's very good.
21:59A lot of our own came down here to live in Brighton.
22:02During and after the war.
22:04Got in on a black market.
22:05Oaky antiques.
22:06Good earner.
22:08Then there were the racetrack mobs.
22:10Little Dickie and his film, Brighton Rock.
22:12Those were the days, eh, Sydney?
22:14I was selling schmutter in Bethnal Green.
22:17What do I know from Brighton?
22:18You're feeling better now, then, Sydney.
22:21Incarcerated and hurled around in a tin box
22:23till I suffer wounds to the head and sickness.
22:26I feel wonderful.
22:28I'm at my peak.
22:31A few hazards on route, Sydney,
22:33is a small price to pay for ultimate security.
22:37But don't worry.
22:37We'll be there in about 30 minutes.
22:39Nothing can go wrong now.
22:43Howdy, help.
22:44Hold on.
22:44On my board.
22:48Stop.
22:49Stop.
22:56Save me, save me.
23:00I've got it, I've got it.
23:02I've got it.
23:14I've got it.
23:14That's the joy of mobile homes.
23:17If necessary, go camp here for the night, Sydney.
23:20Oh.
23:20Oh.
24:02Loved an onion, did the Prince Regent?
24:04Yeah, and a tart, by all accounts.
24:06Yeah, he liked his grub.
24:08I'm talking about courtesans.
24:09Oh, especially a drop of shellfish.
24:16Which way now?
24:17Oh, hold on, hold on.
24:19I've got to get my bearings.
24:20I've been yonked since I was down here.
24:22Of me you have to bring.
24:23I thought you know the way, Arthur.
24:25Left.
24:26No, no, right, along the front.
24:28Oh, I don't know.
24:29Hang on, look, I've got the directions in front of me.
24:43Cocker, look at that, Sydney.
24:45None of the jerry-built rubbish here.
24:47They knew how to bung up a building, that Regency firm.
24:50And with our mobile homes.
24:54There's boats down here.
24:55Arthur, this can't be right.
24:56We should have gone left.
24:58Right.
24:58Left.
24:59Right.
25:03Client satisfaction.
25:04That's my creed, Sydney.
25:05Oh, there's boating on the downs.
25:08This marina wasn't here before.
25:10Nor was that one-way system.
25:12It's all changed.
25:13It's all changed.
25:15Are you certainly, Gavin?
25:17We'll just have to march on.
25:19Arthur, you've got us lost.
25:20Again.
25:22These lights lodged in the ramp wall of the tree, aren't they?
25:27Over the lights.
25:28Over the lights.
25:28Go on, straight up.
25:30Straight up.
25:33The racetrack's over there somewhere.
25:35And the sight's bang near it, according to this.
25:39Moses didn't take this long to find the promised land.
25:48There it is.
25:49There it is, over there.
25:50Look.
25:51Chuck a left, Ray.
25:52Chuck a left.
25:53Where?
25:54Where?
25:54Over there.
25:56Look.
25:56There's the rails.
25:58You must be choking.
26:14This is ridiculous, Arthur.
26:15This is definitely another Nicky.
26:17Oh, stop going off.
26:18Another five furlongs and we'll be home and hoes.
26:33You can forget that.
26:35That's well secure.
26:37Right.
26:38Return to post.
26:41We'll go and see if we can find a way round to that road.
26:54I'd say to go in was good to firm, wouldn't you, Sidney?
27:02This is a select site?
27:04It is, it is.
27:05So how come no one's here?
27:07Well, that should tell you how select it is.
27:10Go on, back, back, back.
27:12Left hand down, left hand down.
27:14That's it, that's it, that's it.
27:15Whoa.
27:17Perfect.
27:19Come on, Sidney.
27:20You'll be in direct.
27:20Touch with nature's bounty, yeah?
27:22It's the Samaritans I should be in touch with.
27:24That's the spirit.
27:25I knew you'd be pleased.
27:26Right, come on.
27:27Let's get this thing unhooked.
27:29Well, no, I do that, do you?
27:30Because I don't.
27:30Yeah, of course.
27:31Put those leg thingies down at the back
27:33and wind that jockey wheel down at the front.
27:36Look, we can't hang around here all night.
27:37Sidney's had a long day.
27:39He wants to get his head down.
27:39Come on, Sidney.
27:44Here we are.
27:45Here you go.
27:47Oh, yeah, all right.
27:51No, Arthur.
27:52No.
27:53That is not our deal.
27:54You're not leaving me here alone.
27:56Well, look, be reasonable, Sidney.
27:57Ray and me can't dwell, can we?
27:59We've got to schlep lively back to town
28:01and track down this tattooed assassin and eliminate him.
28:04Eliminate him?
28:05Well, reason with him.
28:06If that don't work, a few right-handers might work the oracle.
28:09I'm telling you now, Arthur, I'm not paying you two grand
28:12to be dumped in the wilderness on my own.
28:13It's only for one night.
28:15No!
28:16And candles I've got for lighting.
28:18No food.
28:20Sidney, I do not expect you to understand the finer aspects of security,
28:23but I do expect you to respect my judgment in these matters.
28:26As far as provisions are concerned,
28:28I'll see they're delivered first thing in the morning.
28:29I want you should return my check.
28:31I do not understand this attitude.
28:33You tell him, Ray.
28:34Tell him what?
28:35Well, tell him the enormous expense I've already incurred
28:37acquiring this deluxe sanctuary
28:39so that he should have the best possible protection.
28:41And is it my fault?
28:42There's no eating?
28:43It's someone else's.
28:44My lawyer will be dealing with whoever's responsible.
28:46Arthur.
28:47Sidney.
28:48Tomorrow I cancel the check.
28:49No, no, no, no, no.
28:50Don't let's be hasty, Sidney.
28:52Look, I tell you what.
28:53Ray will stay with you.
28:54Don't be silly, Arthur.
28:56I can't let you deal with this loonies after Sidney.
28:58It could get physical, and that's my department.
29:00Ray's right.
29:00He goes, you stay.
29:03I haven't brought my jammies.
29:33Sidney, Sidney, Sidney, are you awake?
29:38Well, I am now.
29:40Ain't it quiet?
29:42You wake me up just to tell me it was quiet?
29:45Her indoors don't like me being away all night.
29:48No.
29:49Give me a break, Arthur.
29:51I'm going to sleep.
29:53I can't.
29:54It's too quiet.
29:57Oh.
30:06No.
30:09Call of nature.
30:13I can't hear anything.
30:15No!
30:16What's that?
30:17What's that?
30:18What's happening?
30:21It's perfect.
30:23It's perfect.
30:23It's perfect.
30:36Sidney!
30:41Sidney, come!
30:42Come!
30:43Sidney!
30:44Sidney!
30:45Sidney!
30:47Sidney!
31:06Oh, God.
31:09This is protection.
31:11Sidney!
31:12Oh, God.
31:13Oh, I thought.
31:17Yeah.
31:20You didn't happen to pick up my jacket and my mobile phone before you jumped, did you?
31:51Oh, God.
32:20Oh, my God, Sidney, wake up!
32:23Wake up!
32:25It's disgusting, huh?
32:26It's disgraceful.
32:27It's an outrage to human dignity.
32:31Yes, it is.
32:33But it is short wearing a warm coat.
32:35Try freezing to death in a pyjama, Tom.
32:37I'm talking about this.
32:44Unsuspecting citizens looking for a simple night's rest
32:47should not be exposed to displays of nether regions in public places.
32:52Come on.
32:53Well, she'll write letters of strong disapproval to the local council about this.
32:57The Ministry of Ag and Fish will hear a thing or two as well.
33:00No garments, no money.
33:02What are we going to do, Arthur?
33:04Don't despair, Sidney.
33:05I've taken good care of you so far, haven't I?
33:07Huh?
33:08Now, what we need to do is find a phone.
33:11Hello, operator.
33:12I want to make a reverse charge call to London, please.
33:15Yeah.
33:31No reply.
33:32My guess is that the boy is already out and about tracking down the quarry.
33:36I am the quarry.
33:38And I have to tell you there's an option to this.
33:39Maybe it's better we should find me.
33:41That's the spirit, Sidney.
33:43Positive thinking.
33:44No, no, no.
33:44Enough is enough, Arthur.
33:45We find a hotel, we check in, we have a bath, eat some food.
33:49How are we going to do that?
33:51Look, may I remind you, due to circumstances beyond my control, we are bereft.
33:55Folding, credit cards, ID and my mobile all gone to a fiery fate.
33:59Of this I need reminding.
34:01Oh, and while we're on the subject, I need you, when it's convenient, to write me out another cheque.
34:06That one was also doomed to the flames.
34:08I'm phoning the emergency services.
34:10No, no, no, no.
34:11That is not a good idea, Sidney.
34:13Explanations will be required.
34:15Details demanded.
34:17Probes and enquiries made.
34:18And what are the publicity?
34:20I mean, smoking the local press get a smell.
34:22The publicity alone could cost your life if the Spider-Man cop any clue to your whereabouts.
34:28No, no.
34:28My sworn remit was total protection for you and this I will do.
34:33Arthur.
34:33Sidney.
34:34Does the term Schlemiel mean anything to you?
34:36Billy Jacks.
34:37I've got it.
34:38Billy Jacks.
34:39Do you remember Billy?
34:40Used to run a spieler by the Winchester in the 70s.
34:42Had to do a runner because of a misunderstanding about some marked cards.
34:46Now you want to reminisce?
34:47No, no, no.
34:47This is where he decamped to.
34:49Brighton.
34:49He got married and settled down.
34:51Someone told me.
34:52Hey, he could be in a book.
35:07Hello?
35:08Hello?
35:09Who is it?
35:11Yeah?
35:12What do you want?
35:13Good morning, madam.
35:14I wonder if you can help.
35:16I'm trying to locate a Mr. Billy Jacks.
35:18I understand he resides at this abode.
35:20Who are you?
35:21My name is Arthur Daly.
35:24I'm a close friend of Mr. Jacks from yesteryear.
35:27I did try to telephone but there appears to be a fault on the line.
35:31That's because it's been cut off.
35:33Ah.
35:34Would you be Mrs. Jacks perchance?
35:37You're an old friend of his, you say?
35:40A dear and trusted friend, I can assure you.
35:42I see.
35:43Just wait there a moment.
35:44Is Billy...
35:46What did I tell you?
35:48Right result.
35:49I sincerely hope so, Arthur.
35:51I can't take much more of this.
35:53Don't worry, Sydney.
35:54You won't have to.
35:55Billy's one of our own.
35:56He'll see us all right.
35:57You have my personal guarantee.
36:01Now sod him well clear off.
36:03And if you find him, you tell him from me he's dead.
36:07Where next?
36:09Siberia?
36:10Oh!
36:48Nothing like the ozone for clearing the silences, is it?
36:54Well, you can't knock the view.
37:01Two cups of tea and two rounds of toast each, please.
37:08Excuse me, pal. I wanna work with you.
37:10Oh, yeah? Who are you, then?
37:14You can't phone Dave?
37:15Er, well, no, no, because, you see, he won't be at the Winchester at this time of day.
37:20What's up, Bellum at home?
37:21I can't remember his number, can I?
37:24I mean, my little black book was cremated along with everything else.
37:28God knows how many contacts and addresses I sacrificed there.
37:32OK. I'll phone Xavier at her mother's.
37:35We'll find a post office and I'll get her to send a money order.
37:37On a Sunday.
37:39Anyway, the post office won't park with a tanner unless you've got a brief to flash.
37:42And ask yourself this.
37:44Do you want to panic her?
37:46Do you want to wail in?
37:48To eat, get some dry clothes and shelters, what I want, is what I'm paying for.
37:53Maybe.
37:53Maybe.
37:54Oh, my God.
37:56Come on, old boy.
37:58Come on.
37:59Time to get you back to the hospice.
38:01If one does what one can to help her enjoy their final days.
38:06Time for your big purple tablets.
38:07The ones you like so much.
38:15OK, OK, so what's the bloody joke then, eh?
38:18Your pal Sidney.
38:19He's the joke.
38:20Oh, yeah?
38:21Yeah.
38:23That's a right load of cobblers he's told you for starters.
38:25Yeah, total rubbish.
38:27So convince me then, eh?
38:29In the first place, I wouldn't kill anyone.
38:32Not for a poxy 500 quid.
38:34I ain't a complete nutter.
38:36No.
38:36Not complete.
38:38I ain't saying I didn't take his dosh.
38:40Be a mug not to, considering.
38:42But it wasn't about knocking him off he was propping me about.
38:45No.
38:45There was some geezer he wanted me and my mates to put in hospital for a couple of weeks.
38:49That's odd.
38:50Well, who was that then?
38:52I don't know.
38:53Bernie something or other?
38:55Bertie?
38:57Beattie.
38:57That was it.
39:01Hello, Sadie.
39:03Where's Sidney?
39:05First, I thought he was taking the piss.
39:09What do you take me for? Some kind of prat?
39:11A prat? Never.
39:12You look a nice boy.
39:13A nice boy?
39:13I think I'll rearrange your face right now.
39:16No, no, no, please wait.
39:17So I listen to what he's got to say, don't I?
39:19What was that?
39:21I'm offering money and you want to hurt me?
39:24How much money?
39:25Shall we say 200 pounds sterling?
39:28Shall we say I'll smash your kneecaps?
39:30With a club hammer?
39:31For nothing?
39:33300.
39:35500.
39:36Oh!
39:36Then my children starve!
39:39How do I know this geezer ain't some nutter and it's me that takes the battering?
39:43We've got friends.
39:44They can't help me.
39:45Oh!
39:47So I took his dosh, promised I'd oblige and that was that.
39:51Yeah, we had a right nice drink up, didn't we?
39:55So if he's looking for his money back, he's out of luck.
39:58Unless you fancy yourself as a debt collector.
40:00Don't you even think about it, pal.
40:03Hey, you listen.
40:04Did he tell you why he wanted this geezer out?
40:06Wasn't interested, was I?
40:07As far as I'm concerned, I'm dealing with a nutter.
40:10Yeah.
40:11You could be right.
40:14Now, just leave the talking to me.
40:16This sort of gaff, they respect the voice of authority.
40:22And you say your luggage is following, sir?
40:24Oh, absolutely.
40:25Yeah, and our credentials.
40:27When my people get here from London.
40:33That is unfortunate.
40:35We seem to be completely full.
40:41Such authority, I'm impressed.
40:45Oh, come on.
40:51It's not a problem, Sidney.
40:53If at first you don't succeed.
40:58Sling you up a pair of you.
41:00Go on, get out of it.
41:01How dare you.
41:02I'm a respectable businessman.
41:03Writs will be issued.
41:05Assault charge is filed.
41:06Stand on me.
41:08Sidney, bloody cheek.
41:10It's the last time they get my patronage.
41:12The tourist border here from me, mark my words.
41:16Arthur.
41:17Sidney.
41:18You're not a well man, do you know that?
41:20Be honest, Sidney.
41:21You don't look all that jolly yourself.
41:26Here, listen, one more thing.
41:27You didn't have anything to do with sticking him in a crate and sending him parcel post, did you?
41:32Don't be afraid.
41:49Don't be afraid.
41:59It was like, I'm gonna go away and help you.
42:02Try and think of it as an adventure, Sidney.
42:05Man against the elements, that sort of thing.
42:10I mean, Joseph didn't turn at him when he was schlepping round Bethlehem looking for digs, did he?
42:16No.
42:18Because him and his missus knew that if all else failed, the Lord would provide.
42:23Even if he was a bit young at the time.
42:26Jesus wants me for a Sunday, to shine for him each day.
42:35In every way try to please him, as hope, as hope, as play.
42:44A Sunday, a Sunday, Jesus wants me for a Sunday.
42:53A Sunday, a Sunday, I'll bring you a Sunday for me.
43:04Him.
43:10Here, Dave.
43:12Ray, where's that bloody Arthur? And what's he done with my sister's caravan?
43:16Oh, you know about that, do you?
43:19Well, all I know, you and he were seen bunging a bloke in the back with a blanket over his
43:22head and driving off.
43:23What's it all about?
43:24Well, get us a drink, Dave.
43:27Tell you the truth, I'm not too sure myself.
43:32So it's not blues.
43:34But would they supply you with a smart whistle, gratis?
43:36I shouldn't be seen dead in a suit like this.
43:38No, you've got to admire the Sally-Anne.
43:41You won't catch me ducking up when they come round to Winchester with their collecting box and their copters of
43:45war cry.
43:47Care and compassion, that is what it's about.
43:51Do you mind?
43:54Oh, that is disgusting.
43:57You put yourself together and get a job.
44:04Oh, no.
44:05Now, don't worry, Dave. The caravan's OK.
44:07Oh, it's not the caravan. Now, that is important enough.
44:09But guess who was in here last night looking for Sydney?
44:12Who?
44:12Only the bloke you'd hire to have hospitalised by them two loons you was on about.
44:16The Bosch.
44:17Who's he?
44:19Bernie the Bosch Beatty.
44:20Big-time blagger and major psychopath.
44:23Yeah, but what would he want with Sydney?
44:25I don't know.
44:27But you can bet it wasn't to exchange presentry.
44:29He's not called the Bosch for nothing.
44:31If he gets the hump with you, he boshes you with bars of wine.
44:37Are you with sugar?
44:38Stay here on my own with bums and winos, just you can forget.
44:41Shh, shush.
44:42I hear you.
44:43Have you no sensitivity for these poor wretches?
44:45There, but for the grace of Sydney, remember.
44:49And what's safer sanctuary than one of his many mansions?
44:52No, Arthur, no.
44:53Now, you get on the telephone, you talk to somebody, and you get me out of here.
44:56All right, don't hear the flap.
44:59I'll tell you what I do.
45:00You stay here and have seconds or something, and I'll go and see what I can sort.
45:06I'll come with you.
45:09It's no good.
45:10Nothing.
45:12You know, he's either got it switched off or he's let the battery run out.
45:15Well, you better get back down there, Ray, a bit lively, and give him the office.
45:18Here, and while you're at it, tell him to bring my sister's caravan back pronto.
45:22It's not even insured.
45:24Any damage, and it is strictly down at Arthur.
45:31What's he saying?
45:32What's he saying?
45:32Oh, my God.
45:33Oh, my God, not the bosh.
45:38Yeah, well, I don't know what he wants him for.
45:40Yeah, but if Sydney arranged to have him done over, and he's found out about it,
45:43it don't take too much working out, does it?
45:46Right.
45:47Yeah, all right, well, hang on a minute.
45:49Yeah, I want a word.
45:52Okay.
45:53Yeah, go on then.
45:55Yeah.
45:58What are you doing there?
45:59Never mind what I'm doing there.
46:00You get down here right away.
46:03Yeah, right.
46:04Hold on, Dave wants a word with you.
46:06Oh, God.
46:07Yeah, and by the way, he knows you've got the caravan.
46:09Well, he's a bit worried.
46:10It ain't insured.
46:13Now, Arthur.
46:15Arthur.
46:20He's hung up.
46:22Yeah.
46:25Sidney's still with them, is he?
46:28Don't suppose you care to tell us what all this is about, would you?
46:34A man can't fib a little to protect his family?
46:37Fib a little?
46:38Fib a little?
46:39You've been telling diabolical porkies all along, and now you've shoved me in the frame
46:43with a Bosch.
46:44Have you any idea how many wheelchair cases are down to him?
46:47What can I say?
46:48It's my fault the man got an early release.
46:49Oh, you are disturbed.
46:51The Bosch asked you to look after his money while he's doing his porridge, and you steal it?
46:55Well, I'd be reasonable, Arthur.
46:57He stole it first.
46:58Anyway, I didn't steal.
47:00I, um, invested.
47:02A hundred grand?
47:04Did I hear any complaints from him when the business was going well?
47:07So I'm to be blamed?
47:09The bank's about to foreclose?
47:10Oh, such tragedy.
47:13A fortnight and more, I'm out of shtuck.
47:15The house sale completed.
47:17All the factory stock sold, and I disappear.
47:20A new name, a new life.
47:23In seven years, I'm officially declared dead, and Sadie, God bless her, cashes in my life
47:27policy and joins me to retire in the sun.
47:30It's a wonderful plan.
47:31Except for one mistake.
47:32You I have to pick to give me an alibi.
47:34Alibi?
47:35Well, of course.
47:36As soon as that tattooed crazy and his mates are dealt with the Bosch, I was going to tell
47:39you all about it.
47:40An extra earner you would have got for this favour, believe me.
47:43Extra earner?
47:44Certainly.
47:45When inquiries are made about my disappearance, you confirm that I hired you to protect me.
47:51You say I didn't say from whom, you were just doing your job.
47:54So it's your fault you left me alone for an hour, and I'd gone when you returned.
48:00It's nothing personal, Arthur.
48:01It's business.
48:02Sister, sister.
48:04Is this somewhere I can lie down?
48:06I'm not feeling all that.
48:18Arthur.
48:18Arthur.
48:19Arthur.
48:19Leave me alone.
48:19I'm making my funeral arrangements.
48:21It's the Bosch.
48:22She's here.
48:22What?
48:23No.
48:24No, Bernie.
48:25No.
48:25No, I swear.
48:26It's nothing to do with me.
48:27He told me terrible porties.
48:29Terrible.
48:30I know, Arthur.
48:32I know, Arthur.
48:34Ray told me.
48:37God bless you, Arthur.
48:39It's good to see you after all these years.
48:44And Sydney?
48:47Sydney?
48:49But I should find you in this place.
48:53Praise the Lord.
48:55God bless you.
48:58Hallelujah.
48:59Hallelujah.
49:00Ten years in the shovel and he's seen the light.
49:02He's come to forgive.
49:04Hallelujah.
49:05Hallelujah.
49:08All the Christian soldiers
49:13Marching out to all
49:15May the cross, O Jesus
49:21Know him, know him, know him
49:24Christ the royal master
49:30Is the grace of hope
49:35Who will turn to Christ
49:38See the cross
49:42Of the Christian soldiers
49:48Marching out to all
49:51With the cross of Jesus
49:57How we not be born
50:01Oh, my God
50:04I know him
50:10And he's dead
50:13May the cross
50:13Can i tell you
50:14I know him
50:16Gloria
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